I hardly ever wash my hands

I Hardly Ever Wash My Hands: The Other Side of OCD by J.J. Keeler

Amanda

405 reviews43 followers

March 30, 2012

Living with OCD is clearly not for sissies and JJ Keeler bravely shares her thoughts and her fears in her new book. She shares an unknown side to OCD- her compulsions have nothing to do with handwashing or cleaning- and she uses her sense humor to deflect from the struggles she has experienced with her past thoughts. Keeler reaches out in this book like she's talking to a friend and I hope it would help her readers to understand what living with OCD can be like.

In her biography, I Hardly Ever Wash My Hands: The Other Side of OCD, J.J. Keeler explores with honesty and humor her struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and how OCD manifests itself in her life. She writes in the prologue:
"You might know someone like me. You might be someone like me. I didn't plan this for my life.
It's not like I went to career day at school and thought, Being a lawyer sounds neat. Being a doctor sounds cool. But, I really want to grow up to be in the depths of despair. (pg. x)"

"Maybe you're thinking I wash my hands a little too often, I organize things a little too thoroughly, I make sure my house is a little too clean. But, the truth is, I do none of those. OCD has another side. (pg. xi)"
Keeler isn't obsessively clean or neat or organized. Her OCD takes another direction: obsessions.

Some of Keeler's obsessions are harming obsessions. She acknowledges "By definition, they sound so simple: those of us with harming obsessions have an obsessive fear of harming others. But, they are much more complex. (pg. xiii) And she goes on to explain how they affect her daily life. Simply reading about her thought processes as she tried to deal with her obsessions was enlightening to me, someone who does not have OCD.

While Keeler is funny and writes about grappling with her various obsessions in a smooth, entertaining way, her honesty also allows some of the pain the obsessions have caused to show through, which is heartbreaking. Keeler openly describes the time-consuming rituals she has performed in order to fight off the panic and fear her obsessions caused.

She says of others who also have OCD obsessions: "On one level we know these obsessions aren't a reflection of reality. We tell ourselves not to worry. But, the obsessions persist and pester. They build in our heads until we yearn for reassurance the way a junkie yearns for a fix. (pg. xiii-xiv) and "Sometimes I think people with OCD view the world from inside a 1950's TV: we tend to see things in black and white. Things either have a right way or they have a wrong way. (pg. 35)"

Keeler does and excellent job describing what she was thinking and experiencing when she obsessed over having AIDS: "I can't tell you how many times I've had AIDS. I've probably had it more often than the average person has had a common cold or a sinus infection. I’ve had it more often than the average child has had strep throat or the average athlete has had a muscle pull. I’ve had AIDS more times than I can count. (pg.1)"
Or being scared of bombs: "Whatever the reason, I was scared of bombs, and believed they were everywhere. (pg. 19)"
Or being excessively fearful of getting into trouble: "Getting into trouble was something I feared all through childhood. But it wasn't just a lingering fear that many children have; it was an obsession. (pg. 51).
Or vampires: "Though I know they don't exist, that doesn't stop me from being afraid of vampires. By mentioning this, hopefully people will tell others that this book is about vampires and its sales will increase dramatically. (pg. 83)." (And I hope this mention of vampires will help.)

It is exhausting to just read and consider everything Keeler has to go through when she is obsessing over something - and she obsesses over big things. This is an incredible look at a side of OCD that isn't generally thought of when the disease is mentioned. Keeler does a real service to others by educating us about another aspect of OCD.

She also has random facts about OCD through out the book that are illustrated with little cartoon stick figures. For example" "Random OCD fact number 1: Approximately 3 million people in the U.S. are believed to have OCD. (pg. 11)" Certainly most of us know someone who has OCD - or it is a personal battle.

Last chapter "Dear Friend" is written specifically to those who are struggling with OCD. Keeler wanted to reassure others who are suffering from OCD that they are not alone - especially since only someone else who has OCD can truly understand what they are going through. Keeler shares some knowledge and some strategies she uses to deal with OCD. Reading about some of her personal struggles makes the wisdom she shares to help others master their OCD even more powerful. This was a very powerful chapter and would be worth acquiring the book if only to read it. But read the whole book, especially if you have OCD or know someone who does. Very Highly Recommended

Deconstructing all the traditional myths about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, JJ Keeler has boldly presented I Hardly Ever Wash My Hands with stimulating approach and unexpected humor.

OCD is one of the most misapprehended subjects. It is not just about recurring gesticulations including compulsive hand-washing but overactive imagination and obsessive thoughts. Instead of being neat & clean, the author admits to be a bit messy & disorganized. It is the inability of letting a thought go which creates the trouble. Sometimes it can be reasonable as checking the gas or electric equipments over and over again but having the depressing thoughts appended to your brain like burning of your house or the feeling of hurting yourself can make the scenario worse.

This book is a sincere work involving a serious disease but instead of making you squirm it enables the reader to step in the patients mind, understand her better and admire her with grace. Humor with the subtext of heart-wrenching pain is the USP of this book. It provides encouragement to the sufferers of OCD and a better perceptive of it to their family & friends. Every minute detail of author’s thoughts, obsessions and fears let the reader gripped, making it the most empathetic work on this subject ever. Educational and entertaining both at the same instance.

first-read

1,429 reviews111 followers

I think this memoir of OCD is very useful, considering that the popular conception of OCD sufferers is people compulsively cleaning or washing. That's not always the case. However, I found the complete lack of any information on treatment (other than the author's own suggestions, which are just anecdotal) to be somewhat unfortunate. This book could also have benefited from some editing.

2015 memoir-and-biography mental-illness

This book was brilliant and sad and challenging and funny, sort of all at once. Ms. Keeler lays open her heart and the treasure trove of her memories to teach and grace us with a very unique excursion into a surprisingly common anxiety disorder. She allows us unprecedented access to the intrusive thoughts of OCD that generate: disquiet, dread, fear, and/or worry. The first person view into this world of OCD shows us how these obsessive-compulsive thoughts, and feelings, as well as the repetitive behaviours that can accompany them can consume time, resources, and alienate those affected, causing severe distress. Ms. Keeler delivers all this thought-provoking work with a large dose of humour which keeps one laughing. I was intrigued and it left me wanting more. I won this from Goodreads First Reads and was genuinely pleased to have been given the opportunity to read such a distinctive and captivating book. Also, signed by the author - an honour.

This memoir was raw and honest, and the author writes very well. Her descriptions of the at times incapacitating intrusive thoughts as a person who lives and struggles with OCD are vivid enough to show readers how disturbing they are, but the tone in which the book is written remains matter-of-fact and neutral in a way that is quite comforting, probably especially so to folks who have similar struggles. That said, as a reader who is not someone with this diagnosis, I was left genuinely wishing the book felt more complete in its narrative. Never does the author indicate when exactly she was formally diagnosed, what sort of therapeutic or pharmaceutical treatments she's tried, how those options have helped or not. This book could have been an excellent memoir, but instead reads more like an essay collection than a narrative, and I found that lack of structure to the story unnerving and ultimately, just unsatisfying enough to give it just 3 stars (3.25 if that were an option), rather than 4. I did like the book. I'm not sure I'd recommend it for that reason, though

memoirs-biography psych-soc-fem-pop

This is a book about vampires.

Okay, so not really about vampires, but it does mention them... once.

Mainly, though, it's about the author J.J. Keeler's lifelong struggle with OCD, which in her case manifested in harming obsessions, acute visions of others being harmed or harming them herself.

The whys and hows of OCD aren't dealt with in this book (although it is mentioned that OCD is biological, meaning it's something you are born with, not caused by some trauma). Instead, it focuses on daily life with OCD, how it can grow and develop with little or no cause, and also how to lessen the effects over time. This is a great book for those who suffer from OCD, especially harming obsessions, for those who know someone who does, and also for anyone who simply wants to understand more about it. Keeler is a vivid writer, and it's so easy to crawl right inside her mind.

I sat down and read this book in one go, and not just because I had nothing better to do today. Keeler has an honest and humorous voice that makes her writing very real. I Hardly Ever Wash My Hands is a fascinating glimpse at some of the lesser known facets of this notorious illness.

Commendations for stepping out and sharing, J.J.

[I received this book for free through First Reads and was not required to write a positive or any other type of review. All opinions stated herein are solely my own.]

first-reads

This was a very honest and simple memoir. I rarely read memoirs, but this one was very eye-opening while still being entertaining.

People tend to think of OCD in a very narrow perspective, and this book really helped to highlight some of the lesser known aspects. As someone without OCD, some of the scenarios described in the book seem incredible, but when taken into the context of a mental illness, it just seems scary. The fact that it is so hard to fight and controllable OCD is one of the main things that makes it a such a scary illness.

There were two things that I really loved about the book. The first was the letter to fellow OCD sufferers. It was very heart-felt and moving. The second was the observation that everyone has something crazy in their head, but it can range in strength from a mental illness to a phobia to something that strongly bothers you. I personally have a phobia of numbness, like the freezing you get at the dentist. This observation helps illuminate the fact that OCD sufferers are not alone, and that almost everything is a matter of perspective and degree.

Overall, this was a great book that helps to reveal what a complex illness OCD is. There is a lot more to it than just the standard opinion that OCD sufferes are obsessed with tidiness.

5-stars-in-2013 read-in-2013

One of the main reasons that J.J. Keeler wrote this book documenting her struggles with OCD is to dispel the myth that OCD is limited to excessive hand-washing, tidiness and order. The disease can take many forms, and not all OCD sufferers have the “classic” symptoms the public associates with the disease. (Seriously, how many times have you heard someone say “I’m so OCD … I have to organize my spices alphabetically!”) In Keeler’s case, her OCD took the form of harming obsessions—recurring fears that she had caused harm to someone. Keeler addresses her OCD experiences honestly and with humor —often adopting a light tone that somewhat belies the difficulties of her disease and all the things she experienced. However, from the point of view of the reader, this sense of humor is a welcome relief and makes the book an easy read. If you or someone in your life has OCD, I’d urge you to check out this book to get an “insider’s” perspective of what the disease is like and some of the forms it can take. Keeler also includes practical and helpful information about the disease to help raise awareness and help others facing the challenges of OCD.

Kathy

1,375 reviews18 followers

This is a goodreads free give away book for me. If you think you know what OCD is, I recommend you read this book. Today, we hear a lot about OCD, but just about all of it involves endless washing of hands or organizing. OCD is more than that. Before I read thids book, I hadn't though about OCD as much of anything besides this hand washing or excessive organizing. Now I realize it is far more than that. I think most people would be quite surprised to find out just what OCD involves. Like me, they will never again look at the term or someone diagnosed with it the same again, once they read this book.

Deborah

570 reviews72 followers

Won this book through the goodreads first reads program.

I don't really see the humor other people are mentioning. I thought it odd that she doesn't talk about being diagnosed or her treatment. Chapters seem a little disconnected. It's very hard to relate to the author and her feelings. She can't always determine what is real and what isn't. She thinks things have happened just because she thought about it.

nf-people non-fiction owned

Pam

396 reviews55 followers

Like I say in my video: you don't know OCD til you watch someone struggle with it.

This is one of the best ocd memoirs I've read. Not only is it tastefully hilarious, but her struggle is described with extremely skilled insight. As someone who's struggled with OCD since age 8, many times I felt she could have been narrating my life. This book was written in 2012 and I so wish resources such as this had been out there when people like me were struggling in the 90s and before, when mental illness was much more taboo. This book accomplishes the important task of helping people know how debilitating and painful OCD is and that it is much different than the typical stereotype of cleanliness, quirkiness, and order; a stereotype that has caused many problems and for sufferers to even doubt what they're suffering from. Hopefully more and more accounts like this one continue to be shared.

2020

A surpringly lighthearted memoir about the dark thoughts that characterize harm OCD. The author's humor and very relatable ancedotes helped me understand what this illness feels like from the perspective of someone on the inside. If you are looking for a place to start reading about harm OCD, this short memoir is a quick place to start. The letter to fellow sufferers at the end is a useful standalone piece.

added-during-migration ebook memoir

moon

121 reviews32 followers

Shelved as 'dnf'

dnf @ 15%
I would recommend for people who dont know much about the condition and/or has been recently diagnosed (or knows someone that does)

I thought this book was going to focused on overcoming debilitating OCD symptoms but it's more focused on different ways it can manifest. Which is great, just not what I was looking for!

I misunderstood the title, so this isn’t quite what I was looking for, but it was still interesting and insightful and relatable! So that’s good.

This book is a fascinating memoir. Usually when I think of OCD, I think of people washing their hands a lot. I think of people who are uber organized and freak out if anything is out of place. I think a lot of people have that picture in their heads. Keeler speaks from experience and shows a completely different side of OCD, one that I definitely was not familiar with.

From a very young age, Keeler worried that she was going to hurt someone or that she was going to be hurt. She imagines quite frequently growing up that she has gotten AIDS. She checks the police reports to make sure that there wasn't a hit and run or something like that that she was a part of. She absolutely fixates on these things even when they're unreasonable things to fixate on. I really felt for her throughout the book. How would it be to have to run your life while worrying about all of these things? I can't even imagine how devastating that must be. Keeler writes in a way that you can imagine exactly what it must be like to live and to try to function with OCD in every painful and difficult detail.

Keeler is definitely brave for laying these tough things bare. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to write all of this down and therefore relive it. I think this would be a good book for those dealing with OCD or those that know people with OCD or even those, like me, who just want to learn more about this illness and want to understand it better.

Bottom line: This is a very brave memoir!

2012 memoir non-fiction

Dar B

63 reviews9 followers

I won this book on first reads and I am very glad that I did. As a depressive person who often considers her way the "right" way, obsesses over miniscule details, and has a penchant for order and neatness, I have been accused of having OCD. After reading this book, I know that I do not. Hurray for me... so sad for those who do.

Keeler's book is not one of diagnosis, symptom lists, and treatments for OCD, but a memoir of her imaginitive characteristics throughout her life. I really enjoyed the way she told her story. It was non-linear, jumping back and forth between childhood stages and adulthood, as well as from subject to subject. She is not a literary genious but explains her situations, thoughts, and actions in a straight-forward manner and I really appreciate that because it is just so honest, that it makes you ever so slightly uncomfortable, just enough to elicit chuckles. When it comes to her imaginations though, Keeler's ideas come through loud and clear with her detailed descriptives. I think that the author is admirable in the way that her story does not come through full of self-pity, nor does it make the reader feel sympathy but empathy. This book was eye-opening and interesting to read. I recommend it to anybody who is curious about OCD or would enjoy a well-told true story.

2012 biography-memoir non-fiction

Alana

1,498 reviews47 followers

*Book provided for free from Goodreads First Reads*

Wow. I never realized how truly debilitating clinical OCD can be. To describe it as imagination out of control hardly does it justice. Though I don't suffer from OCD myself, I do have friends and family members that do and i find it very insightful to read Ms. Keeler's thoughts on events in her life to describe a disease that to others does often appear very strange and even frightening. It shakes the stereotypes of what obsession really is. I have done some of the very same things Ms. Keeler describes, yet while I may check the stove once or even twice to make sure it is off or the door to make sure it is locked, I have never had the compulsion to check 15 or more times or the need to drive back an hour out of my way to make sure I haven't harmed someone. Some of the stories did seem to become repetitive overkill after awhile...but indeed, isn't that exactly how OCD works? A very valuable insight for anyone suffering from or curious to understand this very debilitating mental illness.

biographical first-reads

I won this book through Goodread giveaways.

J.J. Keeler writes a very honest, eye opening memoir of her life with OCD. This book is sincere, sad, depressing, uplifting and funny all rolled into one voice.

This book does exactly what J.J. set out to do, which is to tell the other side of OCD. She enlightens everyone to the fact that OCD is not just about washing your hands or being organized. There are many different types that people suffer through.

I think this is a great book for everyone to read because instead of judging why people are driving slow or checking things twice (or 15) times we should just accept people for who they are. Maybe they have a few quirks but maybe they have those quirks because of a mental illness. I think this is a good book in not only showing the other side but showing people how to be kind and accepting of others.

first-reads

Kris

180 reviews27 followers

Disclaimer: I received a signed copy of this book for free through Goodreads. I do not believe that this in anyway impacted my review of this book.

This is a good book. Approximately 3 million people in the U.S. are believed to have OCD.

This book talks about what it is like to live with OCD and how it isn't all about washing your hands over and over again.

I love this quote (Page 35) "Sometimes I think people with OCD view the world from inside a 1950s TV: We see things in black and white. Things either have a right way or they have a wrong way. To be any other way is to be wrong."

first-reads

This book was a very enlightening personal story about dealing with OCD. I never knew about harming obsessions. One always thinks that OCD is about organization and germs. This is a must read for any OCD sufferer, or for someone who is related to or deals with an OCD sufferer. It is also an important read since so many people probably suffer in their own private hell. If more people understood, maybe more people would get help.

goodreads-first-reads

I won this book in a goodreads giveaway, and it was really eye opening. Very interesting to read about what OCD sufferers have to go through. I would like my sister to read this so that she can realize that my brother-in-law is just particular and does not have OCD, but she's kind of a hypochondriac and would probably start thinking she has it. This would be very helpful for those who have OCD or have a loved one with it.

7 reviews

I was pleased to learn I had earned a free copy of this book from the FirstReads giveaway. I have known a couple of people with some minor forms of OCD but was intrigued to know more about it. I was not disappointed - JJ's story of how it presents for her is a very interesting, sometimes sad and surprisingly often funny account of OCD at an extreme we rarely hear about. A great read and one that everyone should have on their to read list at some point.

biographies-autobiographies-memoirs first-reads nonfiction

I loved this. It's honestly an amazing biography. So much humor yet solid information. Interesting and captivating. I guess that's obvious seeing that I finished it in half a day. Couldn't put it down; I craved more.

I loved how the author used personal experiences throughout the entire novel and was detailed. Realistic. Since, I'm OCD myself, I could relate on many levels and it was refreshing.

Thank you for the excellent read. I'm so glad I won this book!

Emerson

214 reviews18 followers

This was a pretty good read. It was just one person's experience of her OCD. It is an interesting read just to get a glimpse into someone living with OCD. Keeler's disorder focuses on her obsessive thoughts of harming others. Overall, it wasn't anything I could relate to, but it felt like watching a documentary special on Keeler's brain.

memoir non-fiction

Kristen

179 reviews4 followers

I got this book through the First Reads giveaway from goodreads.com.

I thought this book was very interesting. I knew that there were other forms of OCD but I didn't realize they were as scary as this. I thought the book was funny despite the subject matter and J.J. Keeler provieds a lot of wonderful information as well as showing us her own experiences.

first-read owned

Grayson

170 reviews6 followers

This is me. This is completely me. Some details are different, but essentially her OCD is just like mine. I found myself highlighting portions because they describe my flavor of OCD so perfectly. I read it in about an hour and immediately afterward tweeting a thank-you to Keeler. I want to make everyone who knows me read this so they understand. Wonderful, wonderful book.

ebooks-amazon genre-history

I received this book through a Goodreads giveaway.

It was very interesting and definitely provided a less-popular look into the world of OCD. It's a fascinating nonfiction that you'll want to keep reading.

The reason why some people don't wash their hands

Health

(Image credit: Getty Images)

By Zaria Gorvett

17th April 2020

There are millions of non-hand-washers hiding among us. Why won’t they adopt this simple hygiene habit – and how can we change their minds?

"My 2019 resolution is to say things on air that I say off air…" – the famous last words of Pete Hegseth last year, just before he revealed a secret that set the internet alight.

At the time, Hegseth was best known as a Fox News presenter who had a sprinkling of controversial views. Then he said: “I don’t think I’ve washed my hands for 10 years.” Cue a collective wrinkling of noses, and a frenzy of articles about what might be on your hands after a decade.

Disconcertingly, Hegseth is in good company; in 2015 the actress Jennifer Lawrence dropped the bombshell that she almost never washes her hands after going to the bathroom. (They both later said they had been joking). That same year, the Republican Senator for North Carolina suggested that requiring restaurant employees to wash their hands was a classic example of over-regulation.

While 10 years is hopefully some kind of record, observant bathroom-users everywhere will already have noticed that non-hand-washers are alarmingly widespread. One study estimated that in 2015, just 26.2% of global bathroom visits with potential “faecal contact” were followed by hand washing with soap.

“It sounds like such a simple behaviour,” says Robert Aunger, an expert in evolutionary public health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. “But, you know, we’ve been working on it [getting people to wash their hands more] for 25 years and it’s still very low.”

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Why smart people believe coronavirus myths
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Of course, this can partly be explained by the lack of adequate facilities and soap in poorer parts of the world. In the least developed countries, only 27% of the population has access to these things (The World Health Organization and UNICEF estimate that around three billion people don't have either at home). But even in many high-income nations, where both are abundant, only 50% of people actually use them after going to the toilet – surely enough for us to consider making ankle greetings permanent.

These statistics are particularly jarring, when you consider that washing your hands is thought to be one of the most life-saving inventions in the history of humankind – contributing to an average lifespan which now hovers around 80 years in countries like the UK, rather than 40 or so as was the case in 1850, when hand washing was first popularised.

As if we needed any further incentives, this simple hygiene habit also provides the attractive possibility of eluding superbugs and pandemics. A 2006 review found that regularly washing your hands can cut your risk of respiratory infections by between 6 and 44%. Since the Covid-19 pandemic emerged, scientists have found that a country’s handwashing culture is a “very good” predictor of the degree of its spread.

(The virus is mostly thought to infect people through particles suspended in the air, but it can also enter the body after a person touches contaminated objects and then their face. (Read more about why we can’t stop touching our faces.))

Why are some of us such enthusiastic hand-cleaners that we will pay £360 for hand sanitiser during a shortage, while others stubbornly refuse to simply pick up the soap? And if mysterious new viruses and horror stories about faeces on hotel TV remotes can’t coax people into changing their habits, what will?

Doctors who make decisions intuitively are more likely to wash their hands than those who think in a more rational way (Credit: Getty Images)

It turns out that failing to stop by the sink on your way out of the bathroom might not just be down to laziness. From a person’s style of thinking to their degree of delusional optimism, the need to feel “normal” and the potency of their feelings of disgust, a number of psychological factors are subliminally discouraging people from washing their hands. By understanding these hidden biases, experts around the world are hoping they can lure us into becoming more hygienic.

“One problem with handwashing is that, especially in developed countries, you can avoid washing your hands lots and lots of times and you won’t get ill,” says Aunger. When it does make you ill, it’s often days later, by which point that time you forgot will have long vanished from your memory. “Even with coronavirus, they’re saying the delay between being infected and seeing any symptoms is like five, six days, so the connection is very difficult to make.”

Beware of optimism

One factor that’s thought to have an impact is optimism. The “optimism bias” involves believing that bad things are less likely to happen to ourselves than they are to other people. This irrationally positive outlook is universal – found in diverse human cultures and across demographics such as gender and age, and even in some animals, such as starlings and rats. It leads us to miscalculate our chances of a range of unpleasant events, from developing cancer to getting divorced.

This delusion may be partly responsible for things like smoking, or why many people choose credit cards that end up costing them money. It may also stop some people from washing their hands. One study, which was conducted at a large university in New York amid the 2009 swine flu (h2N1) pandemic, found that students who had higher levels of unrealistic optimism were less likely to intend to wash their hands. Meanwhile, those who had a greater confidence in their ability to control their own lives were the opposite.

The optimism bias has also been found in student nurses, who tend to overestimate their knowledge of good hand-hygiene practices, and people who handle food for their jobs, who consistently underestimate their risk of causing food poisoning in others.

Social norms matter

A big clue to the importance of psychology in hand washing lies in the extraordinary range of hand hygiene practices in different cultures around the world. For one French study, 64,002 people across 63 countries were asked if they agreed with the statement “washing your hands with soap after using a toilet is something you do automatically”. Less than half the respondents from China, Japan, South Korea and the Netherlands agreed. Meanwhile, the country with hands-down (sorry) the best rates was Saudi Arabia, where 97% of people said they habitually washed their hands with soap.

Even within countries, we’re not all equally guilty of crimes against hygiene.

For example, studies have consistently shown that women are considerably more diligent at handwashing than men; in one of his own studies, Aunger found that women were twice as likely to wash their hands at motorway service station toilets in the UK. The trend has even extended into the Covid-19 pandemic, with one recent poll finding that 65% of women and 52% of men say they are washing their hands regularly.

The more conscientiousness a person is, the more likely they are to wash their hands (Credit: Getty Images)

Aunger explains that the variation in hand washing is probably down to social norms – a powerful set of informal rules that govern our behaviour when we’re in a group. “They’re complex psychological systems, which depend on seeing what other people do, thinking what other people expect you to do, and experiencing pressure to copy it,” he says.

If we see others washing their hands in the bathroom, that’s what we do – but crucially, when nobody's doing it, there’s a pressure not to either. “And in fact, people can be seen as being unusual or ‘above themselves’ if they do,” says Aunger. Indeed, a 2018 study found that how much a person thought other people were washing their hands was significantly linked to how often they said they washed their own.

Since men and women tend to go to segregated bathrooms in public places, perhaps there are different social norms for each gender – just as there are for other groups, such as religions.

Rational vs. experiential thinking

One reason scientists are so keen to uncover the psychology behind handwashing is that lives depend on it – especially those of patients in hospital. Despite years of training to keep people alive, many healthcare workers neglect this one basic habit that could help to prevent the spread of potentially lethal viruses and superbugs such as the bacterium Clostridium difficile.

Back in 2007, scientists found that surgeons at an Australian hospital only washed their hands 10% of the time before contact with patients (vs. 30% afterwards). More recent research at other hospitals has uncovered similarly alarming findings. For example, a 2019 study at a hospital in Quebec found that healthcare workers only washed their hands 33% of the time. Even in Saudi Arabia, with its scrupulous culture of handwashing, medical personnel often don’t implement hand hygiene properly.

But as with the general public, not all medical professionals are equally guilty. A 2008 study found that doctors who reported making decisions intuitively were significantly more likely to wash their hands than those who said they thought in a more rational way. This hints that providing a set of arguments for hand washing might not be the best way to convince people to do it.

A study conducted in March this year identified another trait that might be at play: conscientiousness. The research, which was conducted in Brazil, found that people who scored more highly for conscientiousness were more likely to social distance and wash their hands.

Finally, there’s disgust. Your gut reaction to the sight of a maggot-infested steak has the useful side-effect of preventing us from wanting to eat it. Similarly, moving to the opposite end of a train to the passenger clutching a dirty tissue will obviously help us to avoid breathing in their pathogens. “It’s this ‘driving us away’ which is the most helpful thing,” says Dick Stevenson, a psychologist from Macquarie University, Australia.

Even chimpanzees, which are regularly seen eating their own faeces in zoos, are grossed out by the bodily fluids of other individuals – suggesting that disgust is not just a recent byproduct of human culture, but something that evolved to protect us.

And just like every other emotion, the extent to which we experience disgust varies from person to person. It’s a powerful hidden force in our lives, driving our political decisions – people who are more sensitive to disgust are more likely to vote conservative – as well as whether we approve of people being gay, how xenophobic we are, and possibly even how much we fear spiders.

A number of psychological factors, such delusional optimism and the need to copy others, are thought to be discouraging people from washing their hands (Credit: Getty Images)

As you might expect, research has consistently shown that people who aren’t so squeamish are less likely to wash their hands, and that when they do, they don’t spend as long under the tap. One study of hand washing in Haiti and Ethiopia found that a person’s knowledge and awareness of health matters weren’t nearly as relevant to whether they washed their hands as the potency of their feelings of disgust.

Keep it clean

So what can be done to overcome these biases?

In the past few weeks, public health bodies, charities, politicians and members of the public have come together to launch arguably the most enthusiastic handwashing campaign in living memory. Celebrities have stepped in to demonstrate proper technique, an abundance of handwashing memes have flooded the internet, and even porn websites have got involved.

Pornhub teamed up with the filmmaker Ani Acopian and producer Suzy Shinn to form Scrubhub – a parody website which exclusively features videos of people washing their hands, with titillating titles such as “Hot Girl Goes Wild in Public in Premium POV – Dirty 2 DISINFECTED!”. This particular video features someone donning a face mask and gloves, applying hand gel and shopping in a supermarket, while observing social distancing rules.

(If you’re in any doubt, the World Health Organization and US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released detailed videos and instructions on how people can wash their hands properly.)

But, given what we know about our unhygienic psychological biases, will these well-meaning and sometimes ingenious efforts actually get non-handwashers on board?

Rather than making handwashing amusing or sexy, one major avenue of research is aiming to harness disgust. Back in 2009, together with colleagues from Macquarie University, Stevenson tested the idea on some students. After asking them about their current handwashing habits and disgust sensitivity, they were asked to watch one of three videos: a purely educational video, one with revolting visuals and a control – a clip from an irrelevant nature documentary.

Advertising campaigns that make people feel disgusted might be more effective than purely factual ones (Credit: Getty Images)

Around a week later, the students were invited back, and sat at a table within reach of antibacterial wipes and alcohol hand gel. They were presented with a series of deeply unhygienic objects to handle – from stained fly swats to used toilet brushes. After holding each object, they were asked to eat a cracker from a plate. Would the volunteers disinfect their hands before touching the food?

As they had hoped, the researchers found that the people who had watched the disgust-inducing video were far more likely to clean their hands than people from the other groups – in fact, they did more hand-cleaning than the other two groups combined.

In a follow-up study, the team confirmed that this could work in the real world, too. By covertly monitoring people’s handwashing in several bathrooms, they found that people were significantly more motivated to do so when they were reminded by posters depicting faeces on a bread roll – to show how germs are spread if you don’t wash your hands – as opposed to purely educational ones.

No one has looked yet to see how long this extra-vigilant handwashing would persist, but it shows that simply telling people to do it is unlikely to be as effective as making them shudder. “This is an important question, because at first you need to keep motivating the person to handwash in particular situations, such as through adverts and signs,” says Stevenson. “But if this is kept up enough then the behaviour becomes a habit. What we don’t know is how long this takes.”

Aunger agrees that this is key. “We have a very special context now, where tonnes of people are interested in handwashing because of coronavirus,” he says. “But the question is, can we get it up to really high levels and keep it there?”

Only time will tell – but at least we’re unlikely to hear any more celebrities bragging about how they don’t wash their hands.

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"I've never laid a hand on a woman." US court finds out whether Johnny Depp beat his wife or not

April 20, 2022

Subscribe to our newsletter "Context": it will help you understand the events.

Image copyright Getty Images

Johnny Depp testified in a libel trial against ex-wife Amber Heard.

The actor reiterated that he had never beaten his ex-wife and had never raised a hand against women at all.

Depp has filed a $50 million lawsuit against his ex-wife in connection with an opinion piece written by Heard for the Washington Post, in which she identified herself as a victim of domestic violence. She filed a $100 million counterclaim against Depp, and both lawsuits were merged into one case.

The Washington Post itself is not a defendant in this case.

The Virginia civil lawsuit is now in its second week and is expected to last at least six weeks.

Heard's team of lawyers aims to portray Depp as a violent man, prone to drug and alcohol use.

The film with Depp was canceled. How an actor's career went downhill
"He blamed his own monster for everything. " Amber Heard testified at Johnny Depp's trial0026

Depp's lawyers are trying to frame Heard's allegations of domestic violence as a hoax and a deliberate strategy to destroy his reputation.

Speaking to the jury on Tuesday, Depp said that only the truth matters to him now.

"I have never beaten Ms. Heard and have never beaten a woman in my life," he said.

"It's been six years of testing - it's so weird when first you're Cinderella, so to speak, and then 0.6 seconds later you're Quasimodo," he said, describing how people's attitudes towards him changed after the Washington Post article.

"My goal is the truth, because it kills me that the people I've been in contact with, whom I've dated over the years...think I'm a fraud and that I lied to them," he added.

Image copyright Getty Images

So far, the lawsuit has mainly focused on Depp's behavior and whether he has ever insulted Hurd in word or action. Depp's lawyers accused the actress of "playing the best part of her life" in her descriptions of the alleged abuse.

The jury heard evidence from the couple's former therapist, who described how Depp and Heard mutually abused each other. Medical professionals who worked with Depp when he was undergoing treatment for opiate addiction also testified.

Johnny Depp: I'm not a waste, I just spend my money how I want

On Monday, nurse Debbie Lloyd, hired to treat Depp's drug addiction and who was present at the couple's wedding, told the court that she witnessed several attempts by Heard to provoke a conflict with her husband.

According to Lloyd, who often traveled with Depp, his wife sometimes got into fights with him while he was in treatment.

Sound engineer Keenan Wyatt, who has worked with Depp on almost all of his films since the 1990s, revealed on Tuesday that he has never seen the actor verbally or physically abuse his two children or their mother.

Depp and Hurd presented the court with lists of potential witnesses they could call, including Hurd's former partner and Tesla CEO Elon Musk and actor James Franco.

Winona Ryder: "Johnny Depp never laid a hand on me"

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US libel trial is a tricky process for plaintiffs, especially high-profile figures like Depp, who must provide clear and conclusive evidence that Heard made knowingly false statements.

Prior to the US trial, Depp sued the owner of the British newspaper Sun, News Group Newspapers, and its editor Dan Wootton over an article published in April 2018.

The newspaper accused the actor of beating his ex-wife, actress Amber Heard. The article was titled "Going Crazy: How can J.K. Rowling be genuinely happy that domestic abuser Depp will play in the new Fantastic Beasts movie?

In November 2020, the High Court of London ruled that the newspaper was able to prove the veracity of the information contained in the article.

The court's decision stated that the newspaper's claims that Depp was a "wife beater" were true. The court also refused to award compensation to Depp for alleged damage to his reputation.

Depp lost his lawsuit against the Sun tabloid. He claimed that the actor beat his ex-wife

"I conclude that the defense was able to demonstrate the veracity of the words that she published," said Judge Andrew Nichol. "Thus, this claim is rejected."

Shortly thereafter, Depp was, in his words, "asked" to turn down the role of villain Gellert Grindelwald on Fantastic Beasts, to which he accepted.

Warner Bros. then confirmed Depp's departure from the franchise and announced that they would conduct new screen tests for this role in the third film in the series.

“I can’t say anything when my hands are busy”: how people with hearing impairments live

The play “Waiting for an answer” by Ekaterina Isachenkova was shortlisted for the Heroes of Social Change award. Her character is a deaf girl who dreams of doing ballroom dancing. She achieves participation in the concert, despite failures, ridicule of acquaintances and skepticism of relatives, and along the way talks about how the life of deaf people works

In 2021, Forbes magazine announced the first Heroes of Social Change. Contemporary Literature on Philanthropy and Social Entrepreneurship. According to the results of the award, the best authors who write on the topic of charity and social entrepreneurship were awarded.

The play "Waiting for an answer" by Ekaterina Isachenkova won the second place. This is a monologue of a deaf girl who, living in a non-inclusive society, is deprived of the simplest things - communication with classmates, the opportunity to choose a hobby, the respectful attitude of others. Forbes Woman publishes the full text of the work.

Related material

Shy. Don't mind my red ears. They are always like that. They burn like traffic lights. I'm just a little shy. Let me show you my name. One gesture. Well, to be faster. Nickname. Until you say your first name, then your last name. Hands dry up. Interesting? Here you go. Index finger poking on the cheek. Where the dimples are. Shy. Nice to meet you. So they say. Always. Even if it's unpleasant. Mom says: "That's right." I believe her. Are you looking for mom? She's at work. I would have met you long ago and invited you to the table. Loves guests.

Shy woman extends her hand.

Shy. Let's hang it?

The shy woman removes her hand

The shy woman. We used to get text messages: "We're at the door, open it for us." Dad connected the lamps to the doorbell. Flashing when calling. So I see that they came to us. It remains to decide on the intercom. Guests call neighbors. Well, they are angry. The neighbor from the 51st does not say hello. I used to nod when I was in the elevator. Now he turns away, averts his eyes. Today I didn't hold the elevator door. They slammed right in front of my nose. Well, I'm not offended, I'm used to it. Speakers react strangely. Yes, that's what we call you. Speakers.

Shy. Do you need slippers? Dad's friend came over last week. Lika. Hard of hearing. Well, this means that she does not hear as well as you, for example, but better than me. She has smooth gestures like a cat. She gently puts her hand on her dad's shoulder or touches her elbow when she wants to say something to him. It doesn't address me that way. Lika can talk on the phone. So we make a list of the numbers that called. Lika knows what is needed. Well, not to miss the important. You never know. Called almost 30 times from the same number. This is how they call if something goes wrong. We asked Lika to find out who. She called and said that it was from Stepan Semyonovich Rudenko. This is my dad. She was answered: “The mayor signed the decree, tell me the number of the card. Let's pay the allowance." Dad was delighted, brought a card. Lika called the number, reported the data, even the code on the back. Well, they said so. And they took all the money. We thought they would give it, but they took it away. Our disability allowance. Lika then stroked dad, asked for forgiveness. She wanted the best. And I was so surprised why they steal from disabled people? But I don't think my parents know0005

Pause.

Shy. You are laughing. But this is not a joke. True, it was so

The shy girl fixes her hair.

Shy. While Lika was in the kitchen, I danced in front of the mirror. Then she took a round comb and imagined that she was on stage. She sang, and her hair wrapped around a comb climbed into her mouth.

Shy frowns. Pulls invisible hair out of mouth

Shy. And so Lika said that I have a voice like Alsou's. Beautiful. The singer is like that, you know? I think she has a kind voice. Imagine if I could sing too? Should you sing?

The shy girl dances and makes fuzzy, drawn-out muffled sounds. Stops suddenly.

Shy. Are you laughing again? Don't like the song? No, well, if you want, I will be silent. Maybe you don't need my stories. Oh. Be careful not to drop. This is a fax. Well, a desk phone. Parents write a message, and at the end, the postscript “Zh.o.” is obligatory. Do you know what it is? It means "waiting for an answer". And my mother's friend usually writes "I'm waiting for an answer, like a nightingale of summer." Funny, right? You insert the sheet here, from above. Like this, not upside down. You dial the number to whom to send, then “start”. The other person must also have a fax to receive the letter. If they send us a fax, we need to wait until it crawls out and tear it off. I am scolded if I do not tear along the line. This sheet of paper is folded all the time into a tube. Like a Greek scroll. I then draw on it. Most often, faxes come with advertisements. Commercial offers. Price lists. Dad is angry. "Paper is expensive, wasted." Asks to click on "stop" every time an advertisement. But I don't press. It's interesting what's there.

Shy woman goes to the bathroom. Washes hands.

Shy. You can wash your hands here. And wipe it off with this towel. Now. I'll move my dad's jeans. To not interfere. Drying since last night. Dad was at the cottage. I went to cut dry branches, spent half a day fussing. His chainsaw is old and heavy. Probably loud. Don't know. While sawing, a neighbor came up to the fence. Dad paid no attention. I was busy with a big branch. A few minutes later I saw that water was pouring. Right on him. A neighbor watered from a hose. Specially.

The shy woman turns off the faucet.

Shy. Dad was very scared. I quickly turned off the chainsaw.

The shy woman wipes her hands.

Shy. Mom says that if not for his reaction, he could have died. Current, you know? I could be without my dad. Because of a neighbor. It is not clear why he did this. He knows dad. Knows he can't hear. He probably knows about the short circuit. He works in an ambulance. Every day he saves people, heals them. And almost killed my dad.

Pause .

Shy. Then I cried. From anger. And for a neighbor, and for everyone. She went to her room. She bit her nails. And she shook the gnawed crescents onto the carpet. She unscrewed the hook on the hanger. It looks like a question mark. Lies and asks. Walked across the carpet. A half-moon from a nail dug into the heel. Hurt. I decided that I would prove it to everyone. What will I prove? Here you will see.

Pause .

Shy. Still laughing? He who laughs last laughs best. Mom says so.

Related material

Shy woman blows her nose noisily.

Shy. Closely in the hallway. Let's go to the kitchen. There used to be a program on TV. Guests came to the home of a famous person, he told something, took him through all the rooms. I don't remember what it was called. You must have looked. I'll take the tour too.

Pause.

Shy. Do you like wallpapers? This is what my mother and I chose at Leroy Merlin. Dad swore that the whole apartment was “flowered”. And I think it's comfortable. Mom brings all sorts of frames, boxes, things for the bathroom from Leroy. She works there. Cleaning lady. And I imagine that Leroy Merlin is a French bakery where she rolls croissants. And fills the eclairs with cream. It smells of buns and pours coffee.

Pause.

Shy lowers her head.

Shy. Some of the girls saw their mother in Leroy and told everyone. Now in the yard they tease me as a cleaner. They laugh and pretend to stand on all fours, washing the floors. I don't understand why they tease. It's good to be clean. It seems to me that her work is not at all shameful.

Pause.

Shy. Our kitchen is small.

The shy woman pushes the table away from the wall.

Shy. Sit down. Will you have tea and coffee? Here are gingerbread, drying.

The shy girl reaches for the mugs and takes out a few. One cup slips out of his hands and breaks.

Shy. Well... My favorite. Okay, good luck. Mom always says that. She knows so many proverbs.

A shy woman sweeps the broken pieces into a scoop with a broom.

Shy. For example: patience and work will grind everything. Until the wedding will heal. Hurry up and make people laugh. Business before pleasure. If you like to ride - love to carry sleds.

I don't like them. I don't understand why you should speak in proverbs at all? The adults seem to want to get off. Well, not to explain anything. Why are proverbs needed? And why are they sad? Can't think of others? Merry. Well, I don’t know ... Who smiles - everything works out for him. If you like to laugh, love and laugh. If you try, everything in life will work out.

A shy woman pours tea into mugs. Sits down at the table.

Shy. But most of all I dislike this proverb: when I eat, I am deaf and dumb. Offensive. Why talk like that to the deaf? We don't hear anyway. Some bullying. I know. She is told not to be distracted at the table. Well, say: “when I eat, I don’t listen to anyone.” Why bring the deaf here? And then remind about this proverb every time before eating. Infuriates.

A shy woman chews a gingerbread.

Pause.

Shy. Do you know what else you noticed? When you speak, you can do several things. Straightaway. Sitting on the phone, eating soup, scratching your leg. I can't do it that way. I can't say anything when my hands are busy. I can't understand anything when I can't see the eyes. Mom says eyes are the window to the soul. Have you noticed how they are hidden? Either they take them aside, then they block off with their hands, then they look under their feet, then they put on sunglasses, and some even pull their caps over their foreheads. Sight replaces hearing for me. And it can be difficult to communicate with those who are not looking. I always make eye contact. I know this annoys a lot of people. It's like they're afraid I'll see their secrets. And maybe I will. Mom said that if one is missing, the other is enhanced. Here I have it. Do you know what vision is? Like an eagle. I can even see with my back.

Shy looking away.

Shy. What are you whispering about? Are you bored? I'll try to be interesting. Or maybe you are discussing my red ears? Will they make you laugh? I'll take off the hair clip to hide them behind my hair. Just don't leave.

Related material

A shy woman takes off her hairpin and lets her hair down. He gets up and leads the guests to his room. Approaches the window. He gazes into the distance for a long time. Turns sharply. Pointing at the view outside the window.

Shy. Did you see what kind of downpour? Good thing we didn't go for a walk. In general, I often walk. In the courtyard. As you understand, the girls are not friends with me. They always whisper, look slyly. They run away as soon as I approach. But they are all friends with Kostya. He lives next door. Let me tell you a secret, I really like it. Always looks closely, but does not fit. Of course, the whole court will laugh at him if he does that. But this time Kostya was not there, the girls were discussing something. One of them, Sasha, was wearing beautiful heart-shaped earrings. And I, too, wanted to brag. She stood next to them and sang softly. To hear that I sing like Alsou. I came up with the melody myself. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth, and now, with all my might, I was pulling the vowels that came to me. Melody without words. This is how my soul sang. Is it true. And when I opened my eyes, they laughed. Kostya came out, laughing too. When she noticed, she blushed. She stood like a fool. The girls were pointing fingers at me. Sasha generally depicted some kind of horns on her head. She began to poke at me, shouting "muuuuumuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. With such long lips. They said I was mooing. And that I'm not Alsou, but a cow. It turns out that Lika deceived me?

Pause.

A shy woman is watering flowers on the windowsill. Turns around.

Shy. Oh, did you find the program on my desk? From my uncle's concert, he's a musician. Plays classical music. Bach, Mozart, Chopin, you know? It’s a pity that they don’t write about what they talk about at concerts. Well, like ballet. What is Mozart about? What is he? And Chopin? Here I don't know. Mom and I were invited out of courtesy. We came out of courtesy. They sat in the first row. As if the closer to the piano, the more likely we are to hear. It's boring just to sit for two hours when nothing happens. You only see the fingers jumping over the keys in all directions, bouncing off, intersecting at some points and running away in different directions without catching up with each other. Probably more interesting to listen to than just look at the dancing fingers.

Pause.

Shy. Do you like classical music? Not good? At the concert, some sat with their eyes closed. Maybe they fell asleep, or maybe they closed their eyes in pleasure. I never understood. Something happened towards the end. Uncle's hands began to beat more powerfully on the keys, as if he was trying to tame an unruly instrument. This power has been transferred to me. With my legs, my back, with my whole body I felt waves coming through me. The whole body vibrated. Like an electric shock. And I felt the music. Her rhythm. Pace. Can you imagine? Didn't know that this happens.

The shy girl smiles dreamily.

Shy. On the way from the toilet, I looked into the next room. Latin American dances were danced there. I froze. The thin girls writhed like snakes. So beautiful and smooth. Smooth buns, bright makeup, and what dresses they had! Like the stars on the red carpet. With difficulty, I persuaded my mother to give me to dances. Everyone was so surprised: I don’t hear how I will dance? But I asked for a chance. I will try. With all my might.

Related material

The shy woman goes to the bookcase, runs her finger along the spines of the books. He sits on the floor by the closet.

Shy. Do you know foreign languages? And if the family spoke another language, would you learn it? Me too. And my grandmother doesn't want to learn sign language. Even a couple of gestures. At least one gesture to understand me. Well, it's true. Well, I can't get my hearing back for her sake...

Pause.

Shy. They bring me to her for the weekend. And our life begins in the style of a rebus. Like in the game Crocodile. I show her gestures, and in response she rustles her lips in displeasure. Lip reading is impossible. Well, he speaks quickly, not very clearly. Then he starts screaming. I can see it in the veins that bulge in my neck. You think that we will hear if you speak loudly or shout. Not true. I don't like it when they scream. This look appears. Frightening. Grandmother screams for a long time and waves her arms helplessly. As if by chance he wants to guess some gesture. Grandma, you didn't guess.

Pause.

Shy. We don't understand each other and get mad. Each in their own way. I run into my room and cry. I'm going home to my mom. Grandmother angrily washes the dishes, and then the floors throughout the apartment. And so for several hours. In the evening we reconcile. She comes over, hugs me, pours cocoa and puts down a plate of cookies. We sit down and watch Ice Age. Well, figure skating. And a week later, everything repeats.

Pause.

Shy. Sometimes you feel like complaining to her. Sneaking on stupid girls in the yard, asking for advice, making a funny joke somehow. So that her eyes become sly slits from laughter. To let her know that I can joke. But it doesn't work. So I just eat everything on my plate, wear the hat she knitted, and put my hair in a ponytail. So neater.

Shy sits on the edge of the bed.

Shy. I always place toys on the bed. These are my friends. Dad calls dust collectors. I dance in front of them, I imagine what is on the stage. Of course you can. Play, take it, I don't mind. I close my eyes. In a shiny dress, spinning around the dance floor. The audience looks at me with delight, smiles and clap for a long, long time. And I laugh and cry with joy. I like being the center of attention. Only they look at me not with admiration, but with disgust. It's like I'm the person who messes everything up. I came and waved my hands. I stand out. I'm annoying. I don't behave like everyone else. They whisper, point, discuss and laugh. What's there to laugh about? You're just a little more fortunate than me. I'm happy for you, really. But why treat me like this? Immediately call names, push, step on the foot on purpose? Better to just not notice.

Pause.

Shy. They also whisper at dances. I see how happy they are when I make a mistake and move in the wrong direction. None of the boys want to dance with me. I stand at the end of the hall and dance alone. Sometimes with a teacher. I turn on the music louder. Vibration is transmitted to the legs. Helps keep the rhythm. Also, eye contact helps. But I'm shy. After class I rehearse at home. I am trying very hard. Be the same as you. Only I'm like vacuum-packed coffee - no sound penetrates there. But other than that, I'm the same. Pass it on to them.

Related material

The alarm clock starts to vibrate on the bedside table. From a strong vibration, it gradually shifts to the edge of the nightstand and falls. All the while, Shy watches his trajectory. Shy picks up the alarm clock, turns it off, puts it next to the hearing aid on the bedside table.

Shy. Show? This is a hearing aid. Now. Here, see the transparent liner? It is inserted into the ear, and this semicircle behind the ear. Many people think that if I am with the apparatus, then I hear everything. But it's not. When I put on a hearing aid, from a world of complete silence I find myself in a world of different sounds. I hear noise. Loud and harsh sounds. Unusual. I hear voices, but I don't understand what they're saying. Headache from noise. Can't make out the words. And I'm always afraid of losing him. Once, after class, I walked in the yard, trying to understand what the girls were screaming. Useless. Then everything was quiet. I thought everyone had gone, but it turned out that I had lost the device. It fell out of my ear and I didn't notice. The insert did not fit snugly. So upset. I searched everywhere I could. Nowhere. She sat on the curb and cried. Scolded herself. It is very expensive. It's a shame. I sit and let snot go. Suddenly Kostya comes, holds out the apparatus. I blushed all over. It was so embarrassing that he found it. The hearing aid is old and unattractive. And the liner turned yellow. Surely Kostya noticed. Still thinks I'm a slut.

Shy looking into the distance.

Shy. Kostya has very smart eyes. And pretty hands. And in general he is handsome.

Pause.

Shy. I told my mother about Kostya. Mom smiled sadly and said that Kostya did not suit me. “In general, speakers will never meet deaf people, forget it. There may still be those who are hard of hearing, but those who speak, never. ” I asked: “Even if they love each other?” Mom shook her head and left the room. And then she told her grandmother. Although it was a secret. She always tells my grandmother my secrets. Grandma told me not to make things up. And I don't invent. Maybe you know why Kostya won't meet with me?

Pause.

Shy. What are you discussing? Why are you covering your mouth with your hand? Do you want me to read lips? Do you also think that Kostya is not a match for me? Why are you silent? Reply. Oh please.

Related material

Shy woman leaves her room.

Shy. And here is the parents' room. Come in.

A shy girl enters her parents' room. Gets up on the sofa.

Shy. I'm watching TV here. Mom said that earlier in the news there was a sign language interpreter on the left. She showed what the host was talking about. Many who did not hear from her learned about new gestures and terms. And then on television they decided that a woman waving her arms was distracting everyone. It was replaced with a running line at the bottom of the screen. I can't keep up with the running line. She runs faster than my brains. Although if in life people had such a line on their foreheads, it would be easier. Then I could be friends with Kostya, with the guys at the dances and in the yard, immediately understand what they are saying, and not think through the details. But for now, every time I collect a children's pyramid. Red circle - I look at the lazily moving lips. Are they hastily chomping or casually spitting out words? Blue circle - I catch my eye and examine all its shades. Wicked? Kind? Interested? Indifferent? mocking? Yellow - I study facial expressions and mood. Orange - I'm watching gestures. You use them too. From them I see whether a person is timid or brave. Green - I compare how he communicates with others. After that I can understand a little more. But not 100%. You probably don't appreciate it, but hearing is a real superpower.

Pause.

The shy girl walks over to the bedside table with a pile of magazines on it.

Shy. Here, under the magazines, I found a letter from my grandmother. She often writes letters to her mother. Tells how everyone should live and what to do. Mom taught me that it's not good to read other people's letters. But there is my name, so for me. Grandmother writes that I am completely out of hand. Like this? Am I misbehaving? That mom needs to pay attention to my behavior. That I have only boys in my head. What do you need to think about education? That it's all because of the dancing. That it's not for me. What you need to really look at things. What I really need to do. Ahh, so that's what Grandma is talking about when she moves her lips quickly and tenses her neck!

Pause.

Shy. The girls in the studio think like a grandmother. They also think that I don't belong at the dance. They persuade free boys not to pair with me. Soon my first reporting concert in the studio. I dream of being on stage and seeing how they clap for me.

Related material

A shy woman approaches a large mirror that hangs on the wall. He gazes at his own reflection.

Shy. Deaf people wave their hands. We talk like that. Have you noticed what a voluminous language it is? Some gestures are shown with one hand, some with two. The movements of the face, body, and the whole body are also connected to the hands. These conversations are like a dance. When a smooth graceful waltz, when a fast emotional jive, and for some - a mysterious rumba. Everyone dances their own. Depends on mood and situation.

Shy turns to the guests.

Shy. Do you know how, without knowing the sign language, you can immediately understand that we are quarreling? Gestures become sharper, an unpleasant grimace appears on the face, offensive gestures of insults appear. I know them, but I won't show them. You can not say that.

Pause.

Shy. Remember, I said that I was preparing for the reporting concert? Parents came to him, called his grandmother. I was going through. I wanted to show everything that I have learned in these few months. The night before the performance, she could not sleep, she repeated the movements. A dress for the concert was asked from the daughter of a mother's friend. The head was covered with sticky jelly, which my mother combed into a smooth bun.

Shy sits on the floor.

Shy. Before the performance, I found out that I was dancing with the new Pasha. Got even more excited. It’s just that Pasha moves as if he swallowed a ruler. When the concert began, Pasha and I stood behind everyone. During the dance, she repeated to herself “cha-cha-one-two-three” “cha-cha-one-two-three”. Well, not to lose the rhythm. But Pasha shot down. He confused all movements, stepped on his feet and moved inappropriately. I tried to guide him, but he did not understand. resisted more. Then he got so carried away that he pushed me away. I could not resist and fell a couple ahead. And they fell on the next one. Only the couples in the front row remained to dance. It was so embarrassing! After the performance, all the blame was put on me. And they took pity on Pasha. Parents and grandmother ran backstage. They were embarrassed for me. Grandma apologized to the coach. Mom and dad said I looked ridiculous. And that grandmother is right, you need to choose another hobby. Take it easy. Embroider, sew soft toys. So they decided. And they were forbidden to go to dances.

Shy. At home, I locked myself in a room. For a long time I ran my finger over the embroidery and shiny sequins on the dress. Then she stood, leaning her hot forehead against the cold window. My dream has remained a dream.

Pause.

Shy jumps up.

Shy. I just have nothing to do with it. Well, it's true. If you saw this Pasha, then everyone would understand. Well, it's not my fault. He even walks like a robot. On straight legs.

Pause.

Shy. Then I stopped feeling music. Turned it on full volume. And I didn't feel anything. Didn't understand what was happening. The music has disappeared.

Pause.

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A shy woman puts on warm woolen socks.

Shy. A few days later she went out into the yard. Walked there alone. A small thin old woman passed by me. With two huge bags. I didn't decide to go right away. There was already such a thing when I wanted to help, but did not understand how. At such moments, you are even more angry with yourself and your deafness. Do you think why can't I help? For example, call an ambulance when necessary. It happened once. I went to the milk shop. I saw a man at the refrigerator with ready-made food. She went further, took a carton of milk, returned. I look, and the man lies on the floor, twitches, foam at the mouth. I reached for my cell phone, but you can't call an ambulance via SMS. I ran to the guard, he called. Scary.

Pause.

Shy. I approached my grandmother with packages. She smiled and held out her hand. Grandma gave me a package and we went. She was talking to me, and I was walking, smiling. She didn't understand and nodded. Ten minutes later we arrived at the cultural center. Never been there. I wanted to give the package and run away, but my grandmother called me with her. We entered the auditorium. Old people were dancing there. I saw that we have something in common. Some also have hearing aids. One grandfather invited me to dance. I hesitated. But she agreed. Grandpa danced well. My feet immediately remembered steps. It was so great to dance again. I started running there every other day. Watch rehearsals. Often participated in them. I felt the music again. And dance became more confident. I was praised. In the classroom, grandparents were treated to sweets and buns. If we did not understand each other, we wrote notes. They were preparing to perform at 9May. And I'm with them. I told my mom and dad that I was going for a walk, and she herself ran to rehearsals. Just don't tell them, okay? I'm just sharing my secrets with you.

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The shy woman goes into the corridor. He stops at a frame with a photograph, brushes the dust off the frame with his finger, takes a paper handkerchief from his pocket and wipes the glass.

Shy. Are you in a hurry? Wait, don't leave. Only the corridor remained. I wanted to show you our photo, where I, mom and dad. We are happy here. This is before the divorce. Dad then went to Lika. And my mother got a job working one more shift. I hardly see her now. Shortly before their divorce, I was walking home after the rehearsal. There was no one else in the yard. I go and see - the earring is lying around. Beautiful, heart-shaped, with pebbles.