Can a narcissist really love you

Can Narcissists Love? | Psych Central

Many people who have had a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits come away with the question: Can a narcissist really love you?

A hasty answer would be “No.” However, there is a distinct difference between someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and a person who has narcissistic traits.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have traits that are in opposition with the ability to love another person, at least in the way that people without NPD understand love. These traits include a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, and a tendency to exploit others for personal gain.

However, NPD exists in just a small number of people — an estimated 0.5%–5% of adults in the United States. People with narcissistic traits but not NPD, on the other hand, likely experience love in the same way as others without NPD.

NPD is a mental health condition characterized by pathological personality traits of grandiosity (an inflated sense of self), attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of empathy.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5) criteria for diagnosing NPD, an individual must have five or more of the following features:

inflated sense of self-importance, or grandiosity
arrogant behaviors and attitudes
envious toward others
lack of empathy
exploits others for their own advantages
an excessive need for admiration
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, or beauty
sense of entitlement

If someone in a relationship has NPD — be it a family, friend, or romantic relationship — symptoms can cause significant challenges.

Someone who is diagnosed with NPD does not really possess the ability to love another person in the way most people understand love. It may sound harsh, but many of the features of NPD are antithetical to love.

Narcissists may show you love and act in loving ways, but this tends to be conditional, in that displays of love depend on what you can give them in return. For people with NPD, relationships tend to be transactional.

Love is not self-serving, proud, boastful, exploitative, or envious. A relationship — whether romantic or platonic — with someone who is diagnosed with NPD can be toxic, drama-filled, and in some cases, traumatic.

An individual may find themselves being gaslit, “love bombed,” and manipulated.

It’s important to establish and maintain healthy boundaries when in a relationship with someone who’s diagnosed with NPD. This is a serious mental health disorder and treatment for the disorder is strongly encouraged.

However, setting boundaries may not be enough to keep you safe. If you think there are elements of abuse in your relationship, it’s important to talk with someone who can help.

Find help for domestic abuse

If you think you may be experiencing domestic abuse, support is available:

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.
You can contact loveisrespect.org by calling 866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522 for support if you think you could be in an abusive relationship.

You can also visit The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.

Someone can have narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for an NPD diagnosis. Many people act in narcissistic ways at some point in their lives.

Too often, people refer to someone as being a “narcissist” because of behaviors or attitudes that resemble the features of NPD. It’s important to understand that having narcissistic traits does not mean a person is not able to love someone.

The way that features impair functioning in multiple areas — identity, self-direction, empathy, and intimacy — of a person’s life is the difference between an NPD diagnosis and having narcissistic traits.

Both past and current life circumstances can evoke multiple features, but may not necessarily be an ingrained part of who someone is (their personality).

A broad, general example of this would be someone who experiences a season of financial hardship after years of financial wealth. They may be preoccupied with fantasies of the wealth and power they used to have. They may also feel superior to others, become envious of those who are wealthy, and tend to gravitate toward people who make them feel important.

This individual may present with features of NPD, but these features are connected to their circumstances and not necessarily their personality.

In other words, just because a person may possess features of NPD, does not mean they don’t have the ability to love. However, it is quite possible that their capacity to love may be limited.

Any relationship with someone with features of NPD can be frustrating and difficult. When you love someone, it’s hard to walk away from them despite their imperfections. So, when you find yourself loving a narcissist, leaving may not be an easy task.

Therapy is strongly encouraged to assist with navigating relationship challenges.

Relationships with someone who has narcissistic traits can involve abuse, which could be emotional, physical, or sexual. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you can find yourself out of it, too — there is lots of help and hope available as you navigate your way.

However, what if you’re in love with someone who has narcissistic character traits, but not narcissistic personality disorder? In these cases, you may want to try some of the following:

Seek counseling or therapy: Therapy can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and explore your thoughts about your relationship. Engaging in therapy helps you understand yourself, identify your triggers, and develop coping skills.
Practice self-care: It’s important to not lose yourself in the relationship. Taking time out for yourself allows you to reset and refocus on what is most important to you.
Education: Educating yourself on NPD and narcissism can help you understand your significant other. In addition, the more you’re educated about the topic, the more equipped you will be to address problems and issues that arise in your relationship.

Whether it’s describing a partner in a failed relationship or an A-list celebrity, narcissism appears to be the new buzzword for describing individuals who are perceived to be selfish or self-centered.

According to a 2018 paper, “Conceptual confusion in defining NPD may render this disorder particularly prone to being attributed to individuals, especially those in public limelight, without taking a full history and examination, failing to confirm functional impairment, or diagnosing on the basis of a single trait.”

Therefore, it’s important to note that only a licensed mental health clinician can diagnose someone with NPD.

If you or someone you love is suspected to have NPD, it’s important to be evaluated. Help is obtainable and treatment options are available.

DRK Beauty Healing is a mental health and wellness company for Black, Latinx, Indigenous, South Asian, East Asian, and all women and nonbinary People of Color to discover, experience, and create their unique well-being journey. They offer free therapy through their nonprofit initiative, one of America’s leading free mental health resources. They also provide access to a broad range of affordable resources (e.g., support group sessions) from culturally responsive therapists, faith-based teachers, and practitioners of various spiritual, healing, and occupational modalities. DRK Beauty Healing believes its holistic approach to healing will ultimately empower People of Color across the globe to forge their unique path to wellness.

Can Narcissists Love? | Psych Central

Many people who have had a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits come away with the question: Can a narcissist really love you?

A hasty answer would be “No.” However, there is a distinct difference between someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and a person who has narcissistic traits.

NPD is a mental health condition characterized by pathological personality traits of grandiosity (an inflated sense of self), attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of empathy.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5) criteria for diagnosing NPD, an individual must have five or more of the following features:

inflated sense of self-importance, or grandiosity
arrogant behaviors and attitudes
envious toward others
lack of empathy
exploits others for their own advantages
an excessive need for admiration
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, or beauty
sense of entitlement

If someone in a relationship has NPD — be it a family, friend, or romantic relationship — symptoms can cause significant challenges.

An individual may find themselves being gaslit, “love bombed,” and manipulated.

However, setting boundaries may not be enough to keep you safe. If you think there are elements of abuse in your relationship, it’s important to talk with someone who can help.

Find help for domestic abuse

If you think you may be experiencing domestic abuse, support is available:

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.

You can contact loveisrespect.org by calling 866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522 for support if you think you could be in an abusive relationship.

You can also visit The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.

Someone can have narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for an NPD diagnosis. Many people act in narcissistic ways at some point in their lives.

Both past and current life circumstances can evoke multiple features, but may not necessarily be an ingrained part of who someone is (their personality).

This individual may present with features of NPD, but these features are connected to their circumstances and not necessarily their personality.

In other words, just because a person may possess features of NPD, does not mean they don’t have the ability to love. However, it is quite possible that their capacity to love may be limited.

Therapy is strongly encouraged to assist with navigating relationship challenges.

However, what if you’re in love with someone who has narcissistic character traits, but not narcissistic personality disorder? In these cases, you may want to try some of the following:

Seek counseling or therapy: Therapy can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and explore your thoughts about your relationship. Engaging in therapy helps you understand yourself, identify your triggers, and develop coping skills.
Practice self-care: It’s important to not lose yourself in the relationship. Taking time out for yourself allows you to reset and refocus on what is most important to you.
Education: Educating yourself on NPD and narcissism can help you understand your significant other. In addition, the more you’re educated about the topic, the more equipped you will be to address problems and issues that arise in your relationship.

Therefore, it’s important to note that only a licensed mental health clinician can diagnose someone with NPD.

If you or someone you love is suspected to have NPD, it’s important to be evaluated. Help is obtainable and treatment options are available.

What does a narcissist feel when they confess their love to him? (Vaknin answers)

Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Egoism: Narcissism Revisited, continues to answer your questions. Many thanks to Marina Kareva for the translation.

Question. Do the words "I love you" scare the narcissist? Do they hurt? Senseless and useless? Or is he happy? At least from the thought that lassoed you? How does a narcissist feel when someone confesses their love to him?

Answer. Indeed, the narcissist considers declarations of love from his chosen victims as irrefutable proof that he has enchanted and lured them into a trap. But deep down, the narcissist hates nothing more than the phrase "I love you." It awakens in him almost primitive reactions. She makes him rage uncontrollably. Why?

a) Narcissus has a fierce and ardent hatred of women. Being a misogynist, he identifies the feeling of love with possessiveness, with encroachment, fetters, remaking, infringement, exploitation, weakness, absorption, digestion and excretion of toxins. For him, love is a dangerous hobby, shaky and changeable.

He believes in fear and hate, not love, as unshakable and reliable motivations. He only marries to secure his "partner's" services as a housewife, listener, personal assistant and companion. Therefore, he is rarely powerful and jealous: he does not care what she does, when and with whom, as long as his expectations are impeccably justified.

He also avoids intimacy, as it requires reciprocity, which is a waste of his rare and valuable resources on the boring work of maintaining relationships, when all he needs is a business, contractual agreement.

When a woman wants to get a narcissist, flirt with him, he will most likely react with humiliation and cold neglect (if he is a cerebral narcissist) or rejection after sex with her (somatic narcissist). In both cases, an insulting message comes from him: you have no power over me, because I am unique, omnipotent, not some mediocre gray mouse, and you are nothing more than a pathetic parasite to me, and you can be trampled on. Your very approach and attempt to seduce me is already proof of your stupidity, blindness or anger, otherwise how could you not notice that I am different and better?

b) When people love you, they know you very well. The narcissist likes to think that he is so unique, complex and deep that no one will ever be able to comprehend him. The narcissist believes that he is above ordinary human understanding, that he is inimitable. The words "I love you" mean for him a denial of this feeling, an attempt to bring him to the lowest common denominator, a threat to his sense of uniqueness. In the end, everyone can love, and everyone falls in love, even the simplest human beings.

c) The narcissist knows that he is a swindler, a swindler who elaborates his deceit, a scenario that is empty and does not really exist. The one who loves him either lies (after all, what is there in a narcissist to love him?), Or deceives himself, clings, has not matured and is codependent. The narcissist cannot bear the thought that he has chosen a liar or a fool as his partner. Her declaration of love is indirectly a damaging criticism of his own ability to make decisions.

Many people naively believe that they can fix the narcissist through love, acceptance, compassion and empathy. This is wrong. The narcissist perceives the love and compassion of others as a form of narcissistic feeding!

It is an established fact that abuse - verbal, psychological, emotional, physical and sexual - comes with intimacy. Most often, abuse occurs between close partners and between parents and children. This defies common sense. Emotionally, it should be easier to beat, pester, attack, or humiliate a complete stranger. But it turns out that closeness GENERATES violence, bears it and feeds it.

Many abusers find that their behavior strengthens, strengthens, and strengthens close relationships. For them, pathological jealousy is a proof of love, the desire to possess replaces a mature feeling of affection, and beating is a form of paying attention to a partner and communicating with her. Psychopaths and narcissists have "cold empathy": the ability to "see through people" and instantly see through their vulnerabilities, fears, and needs. They use this knowledge as leverage to reinforce pseudo intimacy with a select few.

With the help of this "purposeful intimacy" the abuser turns his "nearest" and "dearest" into a "herd" or "listeners" - that is, into members of his mini-cult. Purposeful intimacy is exclusive (excludes anyone outside the "cult"), ephemeral (disappears as soon as it is no longer useful to the narcissist), and utilitarian (intended to manipulate the recipient of the intimacy and its perceived benefit).

This "purposive intimacy" begins when the abuser sets a goal and resorts to the charm offensive, intending to acquire a potential source of narcissistic fuel or material wealth by idealizing the person. When the abuser's needs are met, his warm interest in the target abruptly dries up and he becomes cold and distant, devaluing and sifting. He blames his victim for this frightening sudden and complete change: she made him distracted by her whining, insensitivity, stupidity, intolerable temper, hypocrisy, evil intentions, and so on.

Such hardened criminals do not understand that they are doing something wrong. They often grow up in families, societies and cultures where violence has been openly turned a blind eye - or at least not frowned upon. The mistreatment of people who are dear to them is a part of daily life, as inevitable as bad weather.

Intimacy is often perceived by the narcissist as a right to violence. The abuser treats his near and dear ones as ordinary objects, pleasures, conveniences, or narcissistic extensions. He feels that he "owns" his spouse, girlfriend, mistresses, children, parents, brothers, sisters or colleagues. As the owner, he has the right to "ruin things" or even get rid of them.

Some abusers shy away from real intimacy and deep affection, fearing the unbearable pain of inevitable abandonment that will happen in the future. They were taught to consider themselves unloved and unlovable. There is a feeling of hatred and fear in their comfort zone: they know which strings to pull to get closer or further away, and with their help they control the environment to make it less threatening to themselves.

These abusers lead a "feigned" fantasy life. Their "love" and "relationship" is a tasteless imitation. Such an abuser seeks to distance himself from those who truly love him, who cherish and appreciate him as a person, who enjoy spending time with him and who want to establish a long, meaningful relationship with him.

Some abusers even turn a blind eye to their partner's sexual and emotional ties to others, allowing her to lead a parallel life as long as she honors her "contractual" obligations to serve him and keep company. This emotional withdrawal can take many forms, from workaholism to swinging.

In other words, violence is a reaction to the threat of illusory intimacy, aimed at fighting back, destroying intimacy, tenderness, affection and compassion until they overcome and consume the abuser. Violence is a panic reaction. The rapists themselves are scared half to death: they feel trapped, in prison, in chains, as if they are being treacherously reshaped. Spreading blatant violence, they seek to shake the impending intimacy.

The more provocatively they behave, the less the risk of lifelong slavery. The more disgusting their actions, the more secure they feel. Beating, sexual abuse, rape, scolding, bullying are all forms of regaining lost control. In the depraved brain of the abuser, violence equals dominance and long, painless survival in emotional rigidity.

At an early age, the abuser was bullied by the very people who were supposed to "love" him. As an adult, he bullies people who really love him! This is his way of correcting what is wrong and restoring symmetry and justice.

Question. Is it possible to help the victim of a narcissist break the connection with him if she does not have the strength to do it herself? How?

Answer. These are ethical questions and are best addressed by an ethicist. I am a specialist in narcissism, not a priest or a philosopher.

Tags: vaknin, grandiosity, idealization, narcissist, narcissistic resource, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic expansion, devaluation, seduction, juicer

Whom can narcissists fall in love with? | PSYCHOLOGIES

37,329

Human among humans

Narcissist + empath

Many articles have been written about how selfish narcissists love the company of kind and warm people. Their insatiable ego is "feeded" by care and compassion. There is a high probability of leaving such a relationship with a feeling of "used" - squeezed out and devastated.

“My ex-girlfriend is narcissistic, arrogant and selfish, she knew how to be charming and nice for her own benefit. People interested her for only two reasons. Or they could benefit her, and then she turned on her charm.

Or they could join her "retinue" - and then, it doesn't matter if they were friends or romantic, the scenario turned out the same. She showed interest, went for rapprochement and “conquered” a person, so that later she could play with him like a cat with a mouse, then shortening, then increasing the distance, ”says 38-year-old Denis.

Narcissist + Narcissist

What happens when a narcissist meets a narcissist? Is there an attraction between them, or, on the contrary, will they not tolerate a "twin" next to them?

“Once I saw her interacting with another narcissist, our friend's even more obnoxious and arrogant brother,” continues Denis. — We spent the weekend together in the country, and I watched them. It was like a dance of two cobras. They puffed out their hoods, showing their strengths, but also showing mutual respect. By the end of the weekend, they were completely enamored with each other."

In 2016, researcher Alex Burton, together with John Milton Adams and colleagues in the Department of Psychology at the University of Alabama, published the results of Project ¹ under the odious title: "You remind me of someone delightful. " The project helped to understand why and to what extent similar personalities can like each other.

"I love myself in you"

The study assessed the reactions of narcissistic people to actors exhibiting narcissistic or "anti-narcissistic" behavior. It turns out that like attracts like. And the sympathy of narcissists for similar people is due to their perceived similarity.

The “narcissistic tolerance theory,” psychologists say, explains why even the most intolerable, annoying narcissists can arouse sympathy in people with the same personality type. Those traits that they accept in themselves and consider their strengths, they like in others.

No self-criticism

Trial lawyer, criminologist, and author of How to Read People, Wendy Patrick, writes that these results confirm previous research findings that narcissists are more likely to relate to those with whom they show some degree of similarity.

It's worth noting, notes Wendy Patrick, a simple conclusion. Since narcissists like each other more because of their apparent similarity, it is unlikely that they feel hatred towards themselves, towards their narcissistic sides.

For other people, this means that you should not expect self-criticism from such people, it makes no sense to expect that a heart-to-heart talk “will open their eyes” to the negative aspects of their character. This should be taken into account so as not to waste time and resources. It is better to use them for your own recovery.

There is always a better option

If they like each other, does this mean that such unions will be strong? But no, psychologists say. Mutual sympathy does not guarantee tolerance and fidelity. Biologists Carrie Haslam and Tamara Monrose from Gloucestershire College (UK) conducted a study ² that explains this pattern.

Inflated self-esteem of narcissists often breeds dissatisfaction with relationships, they are prone to manipulation, selfish and lack empathy. In addition, these people are attracted to partners with high social status, because in this way narcissists get opportunities for themselves to rise above.

“Combined with low levels of partner fidelity, this can lead narcissistic individuals to constantly seek new relationships with those who are even more attractive,” Wendy Patrick comments on the results of the published study.

What should the rest of us do?

And what about those who themselves are not like that, but suffered in relations with these unbearable, but sometimes very attractive partners? To begin with, to realize what qualities of yours attracted such a person, advises Wendy Patrick.

Kindness, compassion, empathy, a tendency to take care of others are wonderful traits. And if you have them, then, of course, you deserve better than a selfish, narcissistic and not appreciating partner.

Although many refer to the period of their relationship with narcissists as "lost time", in some ways it is a valuable experience.

Learn more