Fighting and relationships
All Couples Fight: 11 Therapist-Approved Tips to Argue Fairly
John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.
So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy!"—which will either put your partner on the defense or make him retreat or resent you—try isolating the specific complaint or issue you have. You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again?"
6. Listen more and talk less.
When we're arguing, there's a tendency to talk more than to listen. We're so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express.
Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. She suggests that instead of immediately defending yourself, just listen and let your partner know that you heard them.
This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You're more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen.
7. Change what you say—and how you say it.
The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.
If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it. Batterson agrees, "It's a good thing for people to recognize their 'dialogue demons' so they can re-frame the argument, label it, and approach it differently. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, they can ask themselves how they're contributing to the argument and try a new approach." The important piece is that you frame your argument with respect and kindness so that you give your loved one a chance to respond in kind.
8. Resist the urge to avoid the argument.
A lot of couples might keep it to themselves when they're mad at each other because they're scared of starting potentially relationship-threatening arguments. But a recent study found that avoiding these conversations is actually more likely to harm a relationship than help it.
The survey asked 935 people in committed relationships about how they handled conflict and how fulfilling and promising their partnerships were. The results were striking: People who talked through conflicts were 10 times more likely to be happy with their relationships. As for the people who stayed silent, those who blamed their partners for the lack of communication were more likely to be unhappy.
"Those thinking about raising sensitive issues with a loved one should weigh the possible risks of speaking up against the certain risks of not speaking up," said Joseph Grenny, the bestselling author and social scientist who conducted the study. "If you don't talk out problems, you tend to act them out — and as a result, problems not only persist, they actually get worse.
The biggest mistake is to fool yourself into thinking that *not *talking about concerns reduces the risk of problems—it doesn't."
9. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
Another key tip for addressing relationship issues effectively? Put yourself in your partner's shoes by brainstorming reasons why a sensible person might behave the way they did. It will help you better understand their actions.
10. Don't threaten to leave your significant other.
It's easy to let your emotions get the best of you, but try as hard as you can not to threaten to break up or get divorced. Regardless of whether you mean it, those words can leave a lasting impact on the person who hears them, and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship long after the fight is over.
11. Never resort to physical or emotional abuse.
If a fight with your partner has ever made you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe, that's a major red flag, according to the experts.
Couples fighting is healthy only as long as it stays fair and safe.
How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship?
All couples fight and have conflict. The more you learn about each other, the higher the chances you’ll discover differences, which can lead to disagreements. Even though it’s normal for all couples to quarrel, it’s important to pay attention to the frequency and intensity of your arguments and notice when and if you are using compassionate or destructive language and behaviors. Healthy arguments and productive conversations about each other’s differences can actually strengthen your relationship. Partners willing to endure the vulnerability and even discomfort of expressing their opposing views exhibit positive values of respectfulness, fairness, and understanding. Not fighting should be more cause for concern and can be due to a checked-out partner.
Fighting and arguing is actually healthy in relationships
We can all remember the bliss of the honeymoon phase.
We were partner-pleasing and agreeable as to appear desirable to be chosen. Then, comfort kicks in and the real thoughts and feelings come out. But, it doesn’t have to end in competition and hurt feelings. Engaging in a disagreement offers both you and your partner an opportunity to explore a conversation more deeply than surface-level small talk. Many couples note that constructive conversations help to build a strong trusting bond with their partners because it gives them a chance to share their independent views in a safe and vulnerable environment. Arguments can also improve your relationship by creating opportunities for positive change and assuring each other that you will put in the work. Settling disagreements with compassion and compromise can also accelerate intimacy and connection between partners. If both of you are willing to change, you’ll feel more committed to cultivating a healthy relationship.
What is a healthy relationship fight?
Maintaining mutual respect while fighting is key to a healthy relationship.
A healthy fight is when each partner is respecting each other’s values and beliefs, even when they contrast. Respectful actions are listening without distractions, validating key impactful moments, and asking what you can do for your partner and what they need to move forward. Be realistic! Sometimes, we lose our calm or react before hearing the other partner out. In these instances, a healthy argument also means taking responsibility and accountability for your role in the fight and apologizing for any hurtful words or actions that may have occurred. You can halt contempt and bitterness by choosing to make right and actively sharing fondness and admiration for each other.
How often is okay for couples to fight?
It’s common to bicker occasionally, but how much fighting in a relationship is okay, and how much is too much? Your relationship’s frequency of arguments can be heavily determined by the differing qualities of you and your partner’s personalities and communication styles, and any other external factors that may be influential to your moods.
If one or both partners are exhibiting any dominant personality traits like stubbornness or overly competitiveness, your relationship may benefit from open dialogue and readjustments so that each partner feels seen, heard, and connected. Don’t settle for “that’s just the way they are.” If you or your partner know that your communication styles are uncomfortable or harmful, and either is unwilling to listen and change, you may have more severe issues to discuss than the frequency of your arguments. Additional factors to take into consideration when monitoring your fighting frequency are any stressors that can be putting either of you on edge or irritated. Common couple arguments can include, work stress, home stress (especially if you have children), financial strains, upcoming deadlines or travel plans, or even climate concerns like the weather.
Is it normal for couples to fight every day?
Relationship experts vary when asked if it’s normal to fight every day. Some will advise fighting is never okay and others have even reported that couples can fight up to seven times per day! What most couples’ therapists do agree on is that if you feel that you are fighting with your partner frequently, you may need to reevaluate your communication styles and skills with your partner.
Try not to make sweeping absolute goals of eliminating fighting altogether, you’ll set yourself and your partner up for failure. Be realistic with your expectations and capabilities. Take note of how much time you are spending arguing with each other. If you are spending every day fighting, you are missing out on daily opportunities for connection and belonging. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couple’s psychologist and researcher, found that 69% of the time couples are arguing about unresolvable perpetual problems. This means that over half the things you are arguing do not have a resolve and are primarily based on fundamental differences like personality traits or lifestyle choices. You can frequently disagree with each other, but they don’t have to all lead to fights.
The difference between disagreeing and fighting
To put it plainly, healthy couples disagree, unhealthy couples fight. Action and intention are key pieces in determining which arena you and your partner are in.
Couples faced with different perspectives and opinions hold the option of fighting or connecting by what they do when the differences are uncovered. A healthy couple will acknowledge the difference, ask questions, and allow space for each partner to express their thoughts and feelings for clarity and understanding. However, an unhealthy couple will mock, ridicule, or criticize the difference and compete for their perspectives to win or find ways to be right. Fighting is proving a point over and above your partner, disagreeing is knowing that you won’t always have the same ideals but you’re open to listening to what your partner is experiencing, and asking what they may need to feel understood. If you’re still unsure whether you’re fighting or disagreeing, notice your body language and tone of voice during an argument. Fighting couples exhibit crossed arms and will break eye contact by adverting their eyes or rolling them in superiority or disbelief. They stand taller or hover over to appear bigger, and use a louder than usual tone in voice, and will become combative if it’s addressed.
Fighting involves bringing in the big guns and resulting in grudges and bitterness. Couples in healthy arguments have relaxed bodies, open arms, sit or stand at ease, and will adjust their tonality if requested by their partner.
How long do fights last in healthy relationships?
The length of time a healthy couple argues depends on multiple components. As mentioned above, personality and communication styles will play a vital role. Another major factor to consider is the content and severity of the outcomes. If you are fighting about infidelity, substances, or any other high stakes argument, these fights will typically last longer. However, if you are fighting about household chores, upcoming plans, or any other trivial spat, your fights should ideally last less than 10 minutes. If your low-stakes arguments are lasting longer than 10 minutes, you’ve most likely transferred into fighting. To prevent your fights from crossing this threshold, try taking intentional 5-30 minute breaks from each other to distract and cool down.
You break should be more than 5 minutes and less than 24 hours so that the thoughts, feelings, and actions are still fresh and available to talk about once you’re in a more level headspace. Make sure to come back at the agreed upon time! Many couples report not coming back after they’ve cooled down because they don’t want to “rehash” or “spoil the good mood.” Unresolved fights will always come back. Don’t be fooled by a seemingly short make-up! Your resolve could be masquerading by a conflict-avoidant partner. Conflict avoidant couples may appear “fine,” but may later feel effects of resentment by not stating their case or giving into something they don’t feel comfortable doing or saying. Make sure that the ending of your fights have some sort of equal and agreeable repair or resolve. The quicker you can get to compromise and resolve, the quicker you can get back to love and enjoy being in your relationship.
How to communicate while disagreeing
Poor communication is the number one reason why most couples begin the journey of marriage and couple’s counseling.
Most of the time, arguments are not really about the dirty dishes. They are about each partner’s ability to respect each other by seeing the other’s point, feel heard, understood, and collaborate on compromise and repair. One essential communication skill is to remember that neither of you are mind readers, no matter how long you’re known each other. If you feel like your partner should know better or change, use “I” statements and let them know what is specifically upsetting you and what you need instead of pointing blame or assuming. Any assumptions that you throw out about your partner are like grenades that can quickly escalate a disagreement to a fight. Try to eliminate using definite articles of “never” and “always” when discussing your concerns. Over-generalizations don’t leave room for nuance, and will have your partner feeling unappreciated for any times they did the thing you’re pointing out. It will also make them a lot less likely to do it again.
When should you seek counseling for fighting?
If your relationship has any feelings of resentment or bitterness, either of you feel stuck in a negative outlook about each other, unable to think about shared futures or unable to look back fondly on positive experiences and memories you’ve shared together, it could be beneficial to go to therapy.
Many relationships can benefit from learning new and alternative communication skills through the therapeutic process, even if they are not currently experiencing relationship issues. When you find the right tools to fight fairly, you can end up learning more about your partner and feeling more connected, instead of left feeling misunderstood and disconnected. A couple’s therapist can give an equalized space to bring up the hot button issues, enforce calm and coping skills to eliminate further escalations, guide understanding of each partner’s different perspectives and give opportunities and options for repair and resolve. Additionally, if your fighting is affecting other members of the family, or they are being involved, it could also be beneficial to consult with a family therapist.
Your fights are disrespectful
If your fights contain any physical/mental/emotional abuse, throwing things, hurling insults or mocking one another, you are not respecting each other. Be intentional about respecting each other’s time, space, and feelings.
Be mindful if these negative behaviors start to form a pattern – address them before they become a dealbreaker. Stop being judgmental and start being more sentimental! Leave name-calling on the playground! Take a pause before you say something you and your partner will regret. Ask for a break when you need it. If neither of you takes a break, you are not respecting yourselves or each other. Focus on yourself and your own thoughts and feelings during arguments instead of accusing your partner and causing unnecessary damage along the way. If you feel disconnected, it could be because your physical bodies are facing away from each other or holding up physical barriers. In most cases, if your partner’s body language is turning away from you, you’ve lost their attention and respect. Talk about what feels uncomfortable when it is happening and find ways to compromise to a safe and equal environment.
You have trouble listening to each other
Many couples report that a big red flag for them is a partner that cannot listen.
Common reasons couples report not listening are because they feel criticized or blamed and want to defend themselves, or they are distracted by other activities like hobbies or work. Make sure they are ready for a discussion by asking for their time for a talk. One may feel that their partner just needs a question answered and may pause their activity briefly, but if you need more time, be sure to ask for it. You can help your partner feel heard by validating their experiences, reflecting back to them what they reveal to you, and asking deeper open-ended questions to have them divulge more for you to understand their position. Listen to understand, don’t wait to speak. If your partner is coming to you with a concern, take a moment to listen to their perspective before indulging in the urge to be defensive or push the blame.
Your arguments start leading toward resentment
Gottman suggests, and verified through his research, that contempt and resentment are the leading causes of breakup and divorce.
When you feel resentment towards your partner, you are rooted in bitterness and believe you’ve been treated unfairly. Resentment builds by not addressing these concerns and feelings of discomfort with your mind’s culprit. If the other person in the fight is the enemy, negative thoughts and emotions run high and things may be said out of spite or frustration. If you become stuck in this negative perspective of your partner, the relationship will not be able to last without help and intentional change.
How to determine which of your quarrels are dangerous for relationships
How to determine if your quarrel is normal or not? Here are a few signs that show that the conflict has become truly dangerous for your union.
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Relationship
Marriage and relationships
Conflicts
Relationships in a couple
Family quarrels
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Controversy is what happens behind closed doors.
Our entire experience is usually limited to watching reality TV squabbles or childhood memories of parents bickering. No one told us what a normal quarrel with a husband or boyfriend looks like, which should not be feared. Is it okay to cry? What about cursing? What if the witnesses are children or friends? Sex therapist Rosara Torrisi shares what people most often worry about, what behavior during an argument should not be a cause for concern, and what indicates that the relationship is in danger.
Content of the article
“We fight every week”
First, Torrisi explains, there is a difference between an argument and a fight. “An argument can be a high-pitched conversation, and although it is unpleasant, it is generally useful. An argument turns into a fight when people start being rude or move on to unfair accusations,” she says.
Frequent arguments, according to Torrisi, are not necessarily a problem: they mean that people are not afraid to express their thoughts and are not afraid to voice a point of view that is not the same as that of a partner.
“You don’t date yourself,” she says. — You will have different opinions, beliefs and values. You want to be heard and understood, and seek a compromise. This is fine".
If you think conflicts are bad, it may be due to upbringing. “Most of us grew up with parents who hid arguments, so we think there shouldn't be. If the mother and father were constantly quarreling and angry, then we remember how scared we were during such scenes in childhood, ”explains Torrisi.
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“We argue in front of strangers”
According to Torrisi, conflicts are an intimate topic, and therefore friends will most likely not be happy if you start sorting things out with your “soulmate” in front of them. If you argued in front of outsiders, Torrisi believes, you need to tell them how it all ended. “Otherwise, they only see a quarrel,” she explains. First of all, this concerns children: they should know that their parents are arguing and may get angry at the same time, but then they come to a common decision.
"We argue all the time"
According to Torrisi, constant arguments are quite common, as many couples have unsolvable problems. Some of them are minor: for example, disagreements about when, how and who should do household chores. People return to discussing the same issues because there is no solution that will prove to be eternal. “A compromise that worked for three months may become obsolete when the situation changes. And then you argue again and develop new tactics, which will also exhaust themselves over time, ”explains the sexologist.
But there are also unsolvable problems that affect people's important values and needs. “It can be about religion, finances, sex, having children and other significant moments. It's hard, it hurts, but constant arguments on such topics often mean the end of a relationship, ”Torrisi says. If you notice that you constantly disagree on basic life issues, then you should think about whether you are really compatible and whether your union has prospects.
“We argue for hours”
It's exhausting, but it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. If it seems to you that you are wasting days, weeks and months on quarrels, then there are several reasons why this happens.
First, some of you may have difficulty expressing your thoughts or feeling understood. “Each of us needs to receive and give information in a certain way,” explains Torrisi. - If you feel like you and your partner are communicating in different languages, try writing down your thoughts in advance, speaking more slowly, or just paraphrasing what was said. Also consider whether external factors are interfering with you. You should not have important conversations at night when you want to sleep, you should not start an argument if you are busy.
Second, one of you—or both of you—may be overly verbose. For some people, it is important to state in great detail all the reasons why they are upset. For themselves, this is useful, but the longer the monologue, the more likely it is that the person listening to it will be distracted.
The third reason why disputes drag on is the superficial discussion of the problem. It's not about dirty socks that ended up in the wrong place again, but it's easier to talk about them than to say "I need respect" or "I don't think you take my requests seriously." “If you can’t come to a decision for a long time, ask yourself if there is anything left unsaid that could move the conversation forward,” advises Torrisi.
But sometimes long arguments show that you are dealing with an unsolvable problem that destroys relationships, but you don't want to admit it to yourself. “Sometimes we avoid thinking that this is the end,” says Torrisi.
"One of us is always crying"
Torrisi explains that crying is a fairly neutral response. Tears can be a physiological emotional release, a way of self-soothing the body, or an expression of emotional pain. If you cry during a quarrel, this does not mean at all that everything has gone awry in your relationship.
“There are people who feel they are being manipulated,” says Torrisi. “And they should work on it.” Crying is natural, difficult to control or stop, and if a person perceives tears as an intentional method of influence, then he has already lost confidence in his partner. “If you are sure that you are being manipulated, then there is a more serious problem than tears,” says Rosara.
"We yell at each other"
Don't worry about loudness, partly because it's always subjective. People who are hard of hearing or who have been brought up in families where shouting to each other is normal can raise their voices.
Torrisi explains that crying is far from the only sign of emotional arousal, and there are others to watch out for. If someone blushes, clenches his fists, suddenly switches from raised tones to a whisper, then the conversation should be immediately interrupted. But this should not be a reason to forget about it: you should agree on when you will return to the discussion, and, no matter how difficult it may be, try not to think about the dispute during the time out taken.
“You need to calm down,” Torrisi says. “Walk, take a shower, take a nap, meditate.”
Rosara explains that there is a so-called chase-avoidance dynamic where one says, "I need to take a break," and the other says, "You're not going anywhere until we're done talking." It is also difficult for the attacker: most likely, he is overexcited, cannot calm down and believes that the partner is obliged to listen to him. The stalker is sure that if the conversation continues, he will feel better, but in fact both people are too heated to help each other, and the conflict can escalate into mutual insults.
To avoid becoming overly excited, Torrisi advises making "recovery attempts" during heated arguments that will help build trust and maintain an emotional connection. You can reach out to your partner, hug him or make a compliment. Such little things can change the energy of the conversation, calm the nervous system of everyone and make it clear: we are on the same team.
“We start fighting”
Insults and the phrase “Fuck you” is not at all the way an argument should develop: it turns a healthy discussion into a quarrel.
In addition, such injections and verbal slaps obscure what you really feel. Torrisi believes that whenever there is a desire to hurt a partner, it is better to switch to I-messages: "I feel that I am not respected", "I am hurt", "I am upset."
"One of us keeps the other quiet"
Torrisi believes that complete ignorance is a very questionable way to interact with a partner. Silence is not the same as pause. “This is a refusal to communicate,” she says, “and a very mean act. This is a punishment, and it is not the best way at all. This often means that the relationship comes to an end, because one person no longer wants to invest in them, listen and hear the partner. This is usually a bad sign."
"We start blaming each other for arguing wrong"
We all have bad habits when it comes to disagreements and it can take time and effort to find the best ways to communicate with a partner when you both are upset. There is nothing wrong with identifying unhealthy or unproductive tactics (such as insults or monologues).
But an attempt to change the style of a partner’s argument right on “live” can lead to the fact that you lose the thread of the conversation, start arguing about something else, and the showdown will drag on for several hours.
"If you're arguing about how you fight, and it happens a lot, then it's time to see a therapist," says Torrisi. — You admit that your skills are not enough. This is amazing. Now go get help." In addition to therapy, there are other ways: thematic books and podcasts dedicated to the communication of couples. Why not try to become the experts yourself who can save your relationship?
7 reasons why couples fight is normal
March 11, 2017 Relationship
Conflicts and their constructive resolution are the only way to achieve harmony in a couple. Find out what you can gain if you stop avoiding fights.
1. You will start to trust each other more
Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly are so terrifying for many couples that they prefer to avoid them by any means.
People consider such quarrels fatal for relationships. And absolutely in vain.
If you manage to talk without getting personal, but at the same time without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them available to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm is over.
Having survived one quarrel, you will be less afraid of the next. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you are quite capable of coping with possible disagreements. As a result, you will not put off difficult conversations with your soul mate until the last. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out as soon as possible what is wrong.
2. You will feel much better after a fight.
If you manage to express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will positively affect both your mental health and physical health.
Of course, this does not mean that you need to pour all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it is better to express everything that has boiled up than to keep it inside and wait for everything to form by itself.
Greg Godek, author of Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, believes that the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real fights. Too careful talking will get you nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to release all emotions in order to finally figure out what is wrong.
The only rule to follow in quarrels is not to hit your partner or throw heavy objects at him. For the rest, go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do whatever you feel like it will help.
Greg Godek
3. Partner learns about your thoughts and feelings
No matter how close you are, your partner cannot read your thoughts. He probably just doesn’t realize how much a topic hurts you.
At the same time, the question arises: how to convey your thoughts to your partner so that he perceives them correctly and does not get offended? Especially if it's some kind of claim against him.
How not to make him discouraged by your discontent?
Try not to blame, but to talk about your feelings, about how your partner's behavior affects you. Psychologists call these I-statements. For example, you can say, "I'm already fed up with your job." An I-statement that conveys the same idea would be: “I am very upset that you often come home late. I would like to spend more time together."
It is said that quarrels show all our worst features. But they can also bring out our best qualities if we manage the hardest part of them.
4. You will get closer
During fights, you find out what is important for your partner, what he likes, what he wants, how he sets boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him, and what he needs to feel better.
If you have a fight because your significant other is throwing socks around the apartment, it may be something else entirely. Perhaps the reason lies in respect and personal space, and not accuracy.
Greg Godek
There is one more fact that must be mentioned.
Sex after a quarrel is worth almost any quarrel. And it will also make you closer to each other. In all senses.
5. You will understand that your soul mate is a separate person
Quarrels very quickly dispel the illusion that you have already merged into one whole and reached complete mutual understanding. Even better if it never happens. So you can get to know each other from new sides all your life.
6. You will become a better person
You are learning to focus on the most important things. On the fact that your soul mate is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. So you become more patient, understanding and caring, learn to truly love.
When you are in the midst of a quarrel, you are clearly not in the mood for fun. You feel disgusting. In a sense, quarrels are like sports training. Is sweating at the gym always fun? No. But this is how you pump your weaknesses.
Greg Godek
To quarrel is to forge a sword out of steel.
