How to stop worry about what others think

Soothe Your Worries of What Others Think of You I Psych Central

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It’s natural to want others to like and respect us, but worrying too much about thoughts others hold about you could injure your mental health.

Have you ever lay in bed at night and recalled that time in eighth grade when you said “orgasm” instead of “organism” while reading aloud in class? Us, too.

OK, so maybe you didn’t have that exact experience, but you know what we mean.

Chances are your classmates have zero recollection of that middle school moment, your colleagues already forgot you left your mic on during the morning Zoom meeting, and your friends didn’t think that bold outfit from Friday night was too over-the-top.

And yet, we still spend untold energy worrying about how other people perceive us. Any amount of praise is immediately overshadowed by one piece of criticism.

There’s no use in acting like we don’t care at all about what others think because it’s just not true. But there are ways to lessen the burden and not let their opinions hurt your mental health.

Just like most other seemingly pointless traits we humans have, caring what other people think of us is an evolutionary adaptation.

According to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, joining a group or tribe and being accepted by others was critical to survival.

Even though today we might not need tribes to survive, we do need other people for stimulation and companionship. Humans are social animals, so placing weight on others’ opinions of you is entirely natural and largely unavoidable.

One brain imaging study showed biophysical reactions – chemical responses in the brain – to positive and negative feedback from others. Fear of negative evaluation is especially strong for people who have social anxiety.

People with low self-esteem and those who grew up without emotional support are also more likely to care too much what other people think of them.

In some cases, putting too much time and energy into worrying what other people think can be harmful to your self-image and mental health.

Taking others’ opinions as truth can lead to a vicious cycle of insecurity and vulnerability.

But caring about how our actions impact people around us also plays a crucial role in maintaining meaningful relationships.

You’d care if you were unwittingly causing harm to a friend or family member. Although it might cause temporary distress, adjusting your actions to remedy the relationship is ultimately worthwhile.

In this way, caring what people think isn’t always unhelpful.

Of course, things can get out of hand. Listening to our friends’ concerns is different than worrying about every little thing someone thinks of us.

Here are some indicators that the opinions of others might be harmful to you and your mental health:

You change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it is and who it comes from.
You let other people make decisions for you.
You don’t set or maintain boundaries.
You’re a perfectionist.
You hold your tongue if your opinion differs from everyone else’s.
Your peace of mind relies on approval from others.
You’re constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong.
You rarely say “no.”

So, how can you get unstuck from worrying about how others perceive you? Here are some tips you can try.

Expect and accept that people will have opinions of you

There’s no use in trying to avoid any and all judgment – it’s simply impossible. For better or worse, assessing other people is a natural part of social interaction.

So, prepare yourself ahead of time for people to have their opinions.

A simple mental reminder that others will have perceptions of you – even some that may be inaccurate – can help you let incoming critiques roll off your back.

Take back control over your own feelings

Other people might have poor opinions about you, but that doesn’t have to translate into difficult emotions. They are not the same.

While you can’t control how everyone perceives you, you can lessen your worry and anxiety over it.

Consider practicing some mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness is all about staying in the present and being aware of and accepting how you feel in that moment.

Learning to be in the moment can help you cope with those unwanted feelings and thoughts.

Some mindfulness strategies you can try include:

meditation
yoga
breathing exercises

Remember that everybody makes mistakes

Perfection is impossible, so expecting it is futile. More important, judgment for failing to attain perfection is unproductive, unfair, and completely unhelpful.

Keep in mind that anyone who thinks badly of you for making some small slipups has made mistakes themself.

Plus, making mistakes at work or in personal relationships can be an important part of self-growth. Look at them as learning opportunities and being human.

Develop your sense of self and build confidence

Practicing self-reflection can be a powerful tool for building a strong identity. Take time to ask yourself some difficult questions.

Who am I? What do I care about? What do I enjoy?

Developing a value system is also important to providing a strong foundation to live your life on.

People may critique your beliefs or actions, but if they’re grounded in your values, the criticism is less likely to stick.

Confidence building and developing a sense of self go hand-in-hand. Being confident in who you are and what you stand for will boost your self-esteem and willingness to ignore haters.

Don’t try to mind read – you’re probably wrong

Research suggests that while most people have some idea of how they’re perceived by others, they still have major blind spots.

People will associate traits with you that you’ve never even considered.

The researchers found that the most well-adjusted and emotionally stable people have the least amount of insight into what people think of them.

It’s an indication that constantly worrying what other people think is not only stressful but also not helpful.

Consider the source

Caring about what people think of you is natural. But some people’s opinions are much more important than others and should be treated as such.

A family member saying that your behavior negatively affects them or a boss expressing concern with your work can be helpful. A random stranger complaining that you don’t smile enough is not.

Know that you’re usually your own worst critic

A research paper tells us that we often believe people judge us much more harshly than they actually are. In reality, we’re often much harder on ourselves than other people.

We also tend to think that one slipup will mar how people perceive us for good. While it’s true that first impressions can have a long-lasting impact, one mistake is unlikely to change their overall judgment of you.

Surround yourself with accepting, supportive people

Friends and family members who are consistently judgmental can take a huge toll on your mental health. Knowing that someone you care about has negative opinions of you is incredibly hurtful.

Developing relationships with people who embrace your true self and people who are supportive and willing to talk it out – even if they can be a little “judgy” sometimes – is crucial for maintaining mental well-being.

Consider therapy

Talking with a therapist can help you develop skills for coping with criticism and building your self confidence.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically, works to build more helpful ways of thinking.

Through exercises and practice, you can learn new ways to approach unhealthy feedback and let go of unnecessary stress.

Hold your own judgments of others

Next time you meet a new colleague or your friend introduces you to their partner, hold off on casting blanket judgments about them.

Even if the first impression isn’t great, give them a chance.

Being accepting of others can help you let go of what others think of you. If you know you’re giving people the benefit of the doubt, you’re more likely to think that others are doing the same for you.

If you think you’re worrying too much about how you’re coming off to others and whether people like you, join the club.

Sometimes feedback and constructive criticism can be useful and worth listening to. But there’s often no productive use for listening to or worrying about what other people think.

Keep in mind that you’re likely judging yourself harder than anyone else is.

If you need more assistance, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.

How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think

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Caring about what other people think of you is part of being a normal human being.

In fact, scientists in one study found that the reward center in people's brains was active when they were told that someone approved their taste in music.

It's only a problem when you're consumed by worries about your reputation — when every decision about what to wear, who to hang out with, and even what career to pursue are based on the fear of looking stupid.

Unfortunately, this habit is hard to shake. To help you out, we consulted the Quora thread, "How can I stop worrying about what other people think?" and highlighted the most compelling responses.

Read on to embrace the full experience of being yourself.

1. Remember that people aren't that interested in you

Several Quora users mentioned that people generally don't care about you as much as you think they do.

Sibell Loitz, for example, prompts readers to consider how much time they spend thinking about others and their behavior: "not that much time."

Psychologists call the tendency to overestimate how much other people pay attention to you the "spotlight effect." In a 2000 study, highlighted on Tech Insider, people were asked to attend a party wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Barry Manilow on it (it was supposed to be embarrassing).

Sure enough, those people significantly overestimated how much the other people at the party noticed their t-shirt.

2. Tell yourself a different story

No one can make you think or feel a certain way — it's all about the way you interpret their behavior. So by changing that interpretation, you might be able to make yourself think and feel more positively.

Karen Renee gives an example. Maybe you habitually tell yourself: "Today I [action] and everyone laughed. They must think I'm stupid. I'm stupid. Everyone knows I'm stupid. I can't face them again!"

Instead, Renee says you might tell yourself: "Today I [action] and everyone laughed. I think I cheered up a couple people who were having a bad day, even if it was by accident …"

Renee cites Brene Brown's research on getting over shame, and worrying what other people think of you. Brown recently told Tech Insider that her No. 1 "life hack” for lasting relationships is to recognize that your perception of your partner's behavior is "the story I'm making up. "

"Basically," she said, "you're telling the other person your reading of the situation — and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100% accurate."

University of Exeter/Flickr

3. Meet more people

Marie Stein recommends diluting someone's strong negative opinion of you by getting lots of other perspectives.

"The more people you meet, the more you will realize that every one has a different opinion," she writes. "The only opinion about you that matters, that sticks with you for your whole life, and that you can control, is your own. "

4. Try to make others comfortable

"How do you know that others with whom you share company are not themselves insecure?" writes Aurora Clawson.

"Others may act secure, but so many time[s] that is an act. How about making a point of helping others feel comfortable? Be a nurturer and you won't have to worry about how others think of you."

Clawson is right — research suggests that we're generally pretty bad at guessing how much others are struggling. Think about what you can do to make their lives easier, and you may find that your personal concerns are less salient.

5. Focus on controlling your thoughts, not theirs

Gennaro Cuofano points out that you don't have control over others' thoughts: "Therefore if you spend even one minute of mental energy focusing on what others think of you, you are wasting time and energies."

Instead, he suggests trying to manage your own thoughts about the situation.

Meanwhile, psychotherapist Amy Morin writes that mentally strong people rarely focus on things they can't control. Once you shift you focus away from those things, you'll likely be happier and less stressed.

eviljohnius/Flickr

6. Don't try to please everyone

Multiple Quora users told the same story, about two people and a donkey, which points to the foolishness of trying to please everyone.

At first, two people are riding a donkey, and passersby call them cruel. Then, one person rides the donkey while the other walks, and passersby call the rider selfish. They switch positions and now the new rider is called selfish.

Finally, both people walk alongside the donkey and passersby laugh at them for not knowing how to ride a donkey.

The moral of the story, says Syeda Ratal Zehra, is that "people will always judge you no matter what."

7. Know that it's okay to care what others think

It's fine to care about your reputation. The key is not letting that concern overwhelm you.

Marissa Russell writes:

"You can never fully stop caring how other people think of you.

"Because human beings are the gatekeepers to so many of the things we strive for in life (job hirings, promotions, award nominations, building a clientele, finding a life partner, etc), what people think of you actually does matter in various cases.

"The key to inner freedom is to care more about what you think of you than what outsiders think of you."

How to stop worrying about what others think of you

January 31, 2021 Life

You can spend your whole life worrying about the opinions of others. Or you can become smarter and save yourself a lot of nerves.

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Why do we care about other people's opinion

Each person wants to please others, dreams of being attractive in the eyes of others. Many constantly monitor their Facebook* and Instagram* pages, counting likes and comments. To please others is a desire that came into being with us.

As we grow older, we learn to separate our thoughts and emotions from the opinions of others, but many of us continue to seek, and in some cases, ask others for approval of our actions. This can lead to serious problems, especially when it comes to self-esteem and happiness. Recently, a survey was conducted, in which 3,000 people took part. 67% of the respondents admitted that their self-esteem directly depends on the opinions of other people.

We react to everything that surrounds us. We have long-held expectations about how the world should work and how the people who inhabit it should behave. And one of our well-established beliefs is that we know how other people should react to us, to our appearance and behavior.

About 100 years ago, sociologist Charles Cooley developed the theory of the mirror self, which is as follows:

I am not what I think of myself, and I am not what others think of me. I am what I think about what others think of me.

This proves once again how much importance we attach to other people's opinions.

However, we forget that other people often judge us on the basis of their past experiences, habits, feelings - everything that has nothing to do with us. Therefore, basing self-esteem on the opinions of other people is very unreliable.

When you completely rely on the evaluation of other people, you try in every way to please them, rise in their eyes, and eventually lose your "I".

But there is good news: we can stop this. We can become self-sufficient and not look at others, wondering how they evaluate our every step.

How not to worry about other people's opinions

1. Remind yourself that many people don't think about you at all

We'd be less worried about what others think of us if we realized how rarely they do. do.

Ethel Barrett

writer

Nothing could be closer to the truth than this statement. Other people have better things to do than sit and think about you. If it seems to you that someone thinks badly of you, mentally criticizes you, stop: maybe this is a figment of your imagination? Perhaps this is just an illusion that is fueled by your inner fears and self-doubt. If you constantly engage in self-flagellation, it will become a real problem that will poison your whole life.

2. Think with your head

Sit down and in a calm atmosphere think about the place in your life that other people's opinions occupy. Think about situations in which the evaluations of others are meaningful to you. Determine how you respond to them. If you understand that the assessments and opinions of others determine your self-esteem, then consider changing your behavior model.

Say to yourself: "Instead of relying on others again, I will learn to listen and hear my own thoughts and think exclusively with my own head. " Learn to cut off unnecessary noise, to separate the wheat from the chaff. The more often you do this, the faster it will become a habit.

The ultimate goal of all this is to never let the opinions of others determine who you are and how you live. Understand that no one will ever be able to make you feel like a "little man" unless you yourself give him this power.

3. Feel free - don't seek to know what others think of you

When people start to exhibit their creations in public, such as blogging, they often worry about whether others will like you. They worry even more when they torment themselves with thoughts that other people do not like their work. Until one day they realize how much strength and energy they spend on these useless experiences.

Have a new mantra that you repeat to yourself day after day:

This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. I shouldn't care what others think about it.

4.

Notice what really matters

People will always think what they want. You cannot control the thoughts of others. Even if you choose your words carefully and have excellent manners, this does not mean that you will be good for everyone. Everything can be misinterpreted and turned upside down.

What really matters is how you rate yourself. Therefore, when making important decisions, try to be 100% true to your beliefs and values. Never be afraid to do what you think is right.

Begin by listing 5-10 qualities that are important to you. For example:

honesty;
self-respect;
self-discipline;
compassion;
focus on success and so on.

If you have a list like this, you will be much less likely to make unbalanced decisions, you will have a system of principles and, ultimately, you will have something to respect yourself for.

5. Stop thinking that not being liked by someone is the end of the world

What if they don't like me? What if the person I care about refuses me? What if I am considered a black sheep? These and similar questions too often torment people. Remember: if someone doesn't like you, and even if the person you care about doesn't feel the same way about you, it's not the end of the world.

But we continue to be afraid of this mythical "end of the world" and allow our fears to get the best of us, while we ourselves constantly feed them.

Ask yourself: “If my fears come true and the worst happens, what will I do?” Tell yourself a story (or better yet, write it down) about how you will feel after the rejection, how disappointed you will be, and then you will realize that this is a negative, but still experience, and you will move on. This simple exercise will help you understand that not being liked by someone is not so scary.

7 ways to stop caring about the opinions of others0003

Humans are social beings. We strive to experience a sense of belonging and community. It is important for us to have a support network of friends and family with whom we can talk about problems in difficult times. But it is equally important to maintain your independent thoughts, interests, and sense of individuality.

Let's say you like Hawaiian pizza and your friend prefers vegetarian pizza. You have different opinions, but this does not mean that someone is wrong. Giving too much importance to what others think of your choices will confuse and confuse you. You will never be able to please all people from all sides. The sooner you accept yourself for who you are, the sooner you will drop the mask and stop worrying about what others think. Here are seven tips to help you listen to your inner voice, be yourself, and put aside other people's judgments.

1. Make a list of your ten core values

Sometimes other people's opinions confuse or convince you because you yourself are not sure of your own beliefs, principles and values in life. Take the time to figure out what moves and inspires you and why these factors are so important to you. Perhaps your main value is freedom, while others value stability and predictability. The main thing is not to condemn yourself for other values, you have the right to defend ideals, like any other person.

2. Write down your unique qualities

Build your self-confidence by noting your most interesting qualities. Perhaps you are shy of some hobbies or aspirations, drop it. Instead, think about how these qualities make you unique. When you realize the value of the components of your personality, you will stop worrying too much about the opinions of others. Be brave and follow what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

3. Say what you think

When talking to friends or colleagues, stand your ground when it comes to values or beliefs that are important to you. When someone argues with you, it's easy to be tempted to give in. Do not do that. Speak what you believe. Over time, you will notice that the difference of views makes the conversation more interesting. Discussing different opinions will not necessarily lead to conflict or lead to the fact that people do not like you. When you stay true to yourself while facing other opinions, you gain confidence in yourself and your beliefs. Feel free to be yourself and do not apologize for it, and then others will begin to appreciate your individuality.

4. Live in the present

Be mindful in everyday life. Often in different situations, we spend time worrying about what others think, and completely miss the moment. As a result, we find ourselves distracted or disinterested. If you find yourself drifting off in a negative direction during a conversation, try to gently bring yourself back to the present moment. To do this, focus on your breath and the sensory sensations around you: what do you hear, what smells do you smell? When you begin to live more consciously, worries about other people's opinions will dissipate, and you will be able to perceive what is happening in a more positive light.

5. Find inspirational role models

It's hard to ignore the gossip behind your back when you're feeling lonely. Perhaps you want to be an artist, a blogger, or a world traveler. Whichever path you choose, try to find people who have already walked it. This will make you feel more confident and positive as you pursue your goal. Maybe the people around you do not understand your aspirations, but there is surely a person in the world who is already living the life of your dreams. Instead of being jealous of such people, use their stories as fuel. Study the lives of inspiring people through their biographies, articles, or social media pages to remind yourself that your dreams can come true.

6. Be skeptical about everything

It's no coincidence that people repeat this expression so often. If you take other people's opinions too personally, you will get bogged down in a thousand different ideas about how to live. There are too many lifestyles, ideologies and points of view in the world. Of course, it's important to stay open to new ideas and other points of view, but it's also important to disconnect from all of that at times. Remember that people speak and act based solely on their experience and understanding. Each of us has our own unique path.

7. Get on with your life

Social media constantly tempts us to “peep into the neighborhood”. We relentlessly compete with each other, like in the movie "Jones Family". For many people, social media has become a source of endless anxiety and public pressure. Of course, sometimes scrolling through Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) is exciting, but try to be cool about it. Remember that people post only the brightest and most positive moments of their lives. Write about what turns you on and don't get hung up on comparing yourself to others. If you are sincere and real, over time a “tribe” of those who love you just like that will form around you.

Text: Zhanna Omelyanenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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