How to repair a relationship with your daughter

You’re arguing constantly and rarely talk anymore. You’re not sure when things started drifting, but your relationship has definitely changed. Thankfully, you can still repair the relationship! These 7 tips will help you learn how to mend a broken relationship with your son or daughter, even if it seems impossible.

I know it’s bad, but I don’t even want to spend time with my child.

He’s so demanding and high-energy.

All we do is argue.

He never listens. It seems like he won’t do anything unless I yell.

Life has just been so hard lately.

I think back to when he was little, we used to take walks and explore nature. He would give me the biggest hugs.

What happened? When did we drift so far apart?

How can I repair this relationship?

Disrepair happens slowly. You may not even notice that it’s happening at the time.

Then, one day, you realize how far you’ve drifted from one another.

It can feel shocking, sad, frustrating, or lonely.

But, you don’t have to stay stuck in a distant relationship. There are things you can do to repair a relationship with your child, even if it feels like an impossible task.

Here are a few tips to get you started.

How to mend a broken relationship with your son or daughter.

• Acknowledge the rift: In a calm moment, let your child know what you’ve observed and how you feel about it. Your child’s response may vary. They may agree, disagree, be indifferent, angry or annoyed. Whatever their response, keep the focus on your own thoughts and feelings, rather than forcing them to agree or feel the same. “I realize things have been a little tense between us. That makes me sad, I want to work on easing that tension.”

• Make Amends: Rather than focusing on your child’s behavior or actions, take responsibility for your part in the disrepair. Have you been busy, impatient, frustrated, controlling, etc? Apologize and work on making it right with your child. Keep it simple, and avoid adding”…but, you should…” to the end. “I’m sorry that I’ve been distracted after school lately, I’m going to put my phone away, so I can focus on listening better.”

• Engage in an activity together: Rather than allowing the distance to continue, work to find something to do that gives you a chance to be together. It may be a board game, shooting baskets, taking a walk or even playing a video game. Sometimes, it’s best to just be together in silence, rather than forcing your child to talk. If your child is resistant, keep the door open and continue to look for opportunities to spend time together.

• Do something different: Replace negative communication patterns with something helpful or positive. That may mean taking a deep breath before responding to your child, focusing on listening rather than giving advice or working on being empathetic (even if you don’t necessarily agree). It may take time for this new behavior to become a habit. In the meantime, give yourself permission to be a “work in progress.”

• Be patient: One of the most challenging aspects of repairing a relationship is not being in control of the other person. When working on a repair, don’t force it. Somedays it may seem that your efforts are not making a difference. Your child may be skeptical of your intentions or wondering if you will be consistent.  Above all, your child wants to know that you love and value them and the relationship. Your hard work is not for nothing, but it may take time to see the results.

• Get professional help: If the relationship is damaged due to abuse, neglect, addiction or mental health concerns, or if it’s just not getting any better, it’s best to seek the help of a mental health professional.   Therapists can help you and your child navigate the choppy waters of building trust, learning new skills and engaging in healthy patterns. It’s not a sign of weakness to seek mental health support, it’s a sign that you realize the importance of your relationship and value it enough to get help.

• Make space for grief: Waiting can be exhausting. And for some parents, despite numerous efforts and attempts at repair, the distance remains. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss or change of the relationship. Feeling sad or discouraged doesn’t mean you’ve given up hope for reconciliation. Find support from other adults who are willing to listen, encourage, and even cry with you, during this difficult time.

Look for the good.

Mending a damaged relationship can be “one step forward, two steps back.”

Just when you think you’re back on track, something happens, and there’s distance again.

Instead of waiting for perfection, look for the good.

• Notice when your child hangs around a little more than usual.
• Smile when he walks into the room.
• Celebrate when you make it through a transition without an argument.

Find something positive every day.

Then, look for 3 good things.

Slowly, you’ll notice a shift in your thinking. Rather than trying to avoid him, you may start to enjoy him again.

And just when you thought the days of nature walks and hugs were over…

Your child may surprise you.

How can I help?

If repair sounds like a great idea but you have no idea how to put it into place with your child, let’s talk! We can explore what’s going on in your relationship and brainstorm ways to make things better. Learn more about Parent Coaching.

Welcome! I'm Nicole Schwarz.

I'm a Parent Coach, Licensed Therapist and Author of It Starts with You. I help stressed, overwhelmed, confused parents find calm, confidence and connection with their kids. No one is expecting perfection here. But, if you’re willing to examine your parenting, find encouragement, or try something new, this is the place for you.

How to fix the relationship between mother and daughter in terms of psychology?

Today I will tell you how you can improve the relationship between mother and daughter and what are the reasons for negative feelings between them.

"A child is a guest in your house: feed him, teach him and let him go" - the essence of this Indian proverb is obvious, but, alas, it is very difficult for many parents to understand it. Someone perceives their child as property, someone instills a sense of unrequited debt and shame.

The connection between mother and daughter is a bond that leaves a significant imprint on both women . This article on our website lifeinheart.com will help you figure out why mothers sometimes don't like their daughters, why a daughter can hate her mother, and what to do to improve relationships?

Contents

Mother's role in shaping personality

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifetime liability? – This comprehensive word includes all these concepts . After all, the formation of the daughter's personality, her perception of herself and the world around her largely depends on the behavior of the parent. So, what does a mother mean to a little girl?

1. A sense of security. Mom is the person in front of whom the baby should not be afraid to be herself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, love for "boyish" cartoons and sports. A zone free from judgment and the need to adapt will allow her to form her own vision of the world through trial and error.
2. The right to be a child. A girl, next to whom there is an adult, responsible and mature personality, can calmly do her “childish things”: play with dolls, play pranks, walk and learn. Not being burdened by adult responsibilities and knowledge is something every child is entitled to.
3. An example of social interaction. If a mother on the playground constantly gossips about her neighbors, expresses her dissatisfaction with her husband, this will be fixed in her daughter as a priori correct and acceptable behavior. That is why young parents should pay as much attention to introspection as possible.
4. An example of a wife. According to statistics, more than 50% of childhood injuries were received due to the forced contemplation of parental scandals. Every dissatisfied grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and an unflattering review of the father as the head of the family is deposited, if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
5. The ability to love and be loved. Observing her mother's behavior, a girl answers herself many important questions. Do the parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return, or are her actions disinterested? Does she accept signs of attention or pushes them away?

“Mom is the first word, the main word in every life…” – Do you remember this song? With the realization of the influence that the mother's position in life has on the formation of her daughter as an integral, separate person, it becomes even more meaningful.

If you are not sure of your own viability as a mother, seek the help of a professional psychologist. A specialist will help you identify and resolve family conflicts.

Mother-daughter relationship depending on age stages

For 9 months, mother and daughter are in complete symbiosis: they are an inseparable whole. But this does not mean at all that, along with the cutting of the umbilical cord, this connection ceases: a smooth and natural rejection begins, due to self-consciousness:

• From birth to one and a half years - absolute dependence. The mother is fully responsible for the well-being and safety of the baby. Gender doesn't matter. The natural maternal instinct, laid down by nature, came into force.
• From one and a half to three years - awareness of one's own needs. A baby at this age begins to realize her own desires that do not fit into the schedule or what her mother offers her. Phrases such as “give”, “I want / don’t want”, “I will / I won’t”, etc. appear in the lexicon. The girl begins to feel the need to make independent decisions, but at the same time she acts with an eye on her mother’s reaction. The mother, in turn, experiences a permanent feeling of concern for her child - all her efforts are aimed at protecting the life and health of the child.
• Three to seven years - identification period. The girl begins to identify herself with her mother, realizing her belonging to the female sex and adopting typical gender habits. At this stage, parents should give the child a little more free will and teach all the necessary self-care skills. Around the same time, the girl has her first friends, personal preferences and secrets.
• Puberty is an artificial conflict between mother and daughter. It is no longer a child that appears before the parents, but not yet a woman. What was previously taken for granted, taken for granted, begins to be rethought and criticized. The mother must get used to the idea that she will have to re-build relationships and learn to negotiate. The main thing to do is to maintain trust.
• Youth is the stabilization of relations between mother and daughter. An independent personality appears before the parents, with their own formed interests and views on life. Her role as a child ends naturally. She has the right to privacy, independent choice of a life partner and sexual partners, and the mother can only recognize this.
• Mother becomes a grandmother. The news that the daughter will soon become a mother herself brings women very close. For the first time in a long time, the expectant mother frankly needs maternal guidance, and she, in turn, gladly shares her life experience. The psychological and physical state of the expectant mother during pregnancy and after the baby is born depends very much on the support of others, including the mother and spouse.
• Old age - The relationship between mother and adult daughter is heating up again. Realizing their own weakness and loss of authority, many older women become capricious. Their behavior is in many ways similar to teenage rebellion. Now an adult daughter must adapt and look for an approach to her mother.

Many adult daughters, faced with the senile helplessness of their mothers, plunge into a depressive state. If you encounter this, do not hesitate to ask a professional for help. Also, don't judge yourself for asking for medical help.

• Mother's death - completion of separation. A daughter goes through a complex process of psychological separation from her mother and self-awareness as the main woman in the family.

All of the above stages are the natural sequence , which, unfortunately, often has many vital nuances that darken the relationship between two women who are close to each other.

The main reasons for the difficult relationship with the mother of an adult daughter

Relationships between daughter and mother do not always go smoothly. Let's look at the most common causes of disagreement.

Competition

No matter how strange it may sound, but female, albeit unconscious competition between mother and daughter is a very common cause for conflict.

Help! Most often, competition occurs in families where the mother gave birth too early, or several generations of women live in the family (grandmother, mother, daughter).

It lies in the fact that the mother is trivially jealous of her daughter, albeit subconsciously. She sees how her baby is gradually turning into a beautiful, young girl, and this phenomenon once again reminds her of her age. However, the train of thought can be turned in the opposite direction. The mother remembers what she was like at her daughter's age (sociable, flirtatious, slim, attractive, married, having children) and projects this onto her daughter, who is different from her both externally and internally. Because of this, the woman feels annoyed, believing that her child is not being realized properly. A mother's envy of her daughter may not be voiced directly, but it always burdens and creates a tense atmosphere in the family where no one can relax .

What to do?

In this case, it is necessary to show wisdom and empathy. Put yourself in your opponent's shoes and feel the pressure of unsolicited advice. If you are a mother, show loyalty and caution, recognize the daughter's right to her own life path. If you are a daughter, set personal boundaries and start working on your own self-esteem. As a rule, the degree of pressure from older relatives decreases when they see that you have clear life position .

Unwillingness to admit one's mistakes

An ill-mannered, impudent, arrogant and uncontrollable girl who does everything in defiance is nothing but a mirror reflection of her parent's actions. At one time, the mother did not pay due attention to education, focusing on meeting material needs (housing, education, food, clothes) and as a result, she faces a completely unfamiliar girl with well-formed interests, which cannot be influenced by scandals and remarks due to lack of authority.

Or the opposite situation arises: the daughter, who grew up in a dysfunctional family, fears a repeat of her fate and does everything to oppose herself to her mother, which looks like actions “out of spite” and deliberate ignorance. The daughter does not hate her mother, but considers her an example of how life is not worth living.

What to do?

First of all, it is necessary to devote time to introspection . Do not try to make up for lost time in a short time - try to get to know each other. No need to break a person for yourself - a mother who humiliates and insults an adult daughter under no circumstances will be perceived as a wise mentor.

Non-recognition of personal boundaries

Of course, it is extremely important to know your child, but it is not permissible to arrange shadowing of him and deprive him of even minimal personal space. A mother who reads a personal diary, turns out her pockets, checks her browser history and personal correspondence is perceived as a threat and untrustworthy person.

In most of these cases, one outcome: the child learns to lie early, to lead a double life, and at the first opportunity leaves the native walls to feel at ease. And also often an adult daughter does not communicate with her mother, except as necessary and in general phrases.

What to do?

You should remember yourself in your youth and understand that at this age there are also individual desires and needs that often run counter to the expectations of the family. It should be understood that espionage and gross violation of personal boundaries have not yet aroused a desire to get close to anyone.

Active search

A young mother in her prime of life and years has every right to a happy personal life. Just do not forget about the child and his perception of reality. A girl who is in the care of her grandparents, while her mother is trying to get along with a new object of sighing, feels abandoned and unnecessary. As a result: jealousy, protest, attracting attention to yourself in the most radical ways.

Often a mother, inspired by a new relationship, pays attention to a child from her first marriage only in an emergency (when he screams, cries, gets hurt, etc.). Often this leads to children's self-harm (self-harm) and depressive states.

What to do?

It is worth understanding that only husbands can be ex-husbands - children will remain with you forever. The daughter also has the right to her own opinion about your new chosen one - she is not obliged to love him. The task of adults in this case is to provide the child with a sense of security . If you are a daughter who grew up in such a family, work through your emotions with a psychologist. Try to look at your mother as a simple person. Recognize her right to be wrong.

An imposed sense of duty

“I fed you, taught you, brought you up, and you are an ungrateful egoist!” - This phrase can be heard by a daughter who does not act the way her mother expected. There are many options: she started the wrong career, started the wrong hobby, started dating the wrong man. The parent feels as if she has put a significant layer of life on the altar of education, and has not received the desired return for this.

As a result: the mother manipulates the adult daughter, constantly reminding her that she is indebted to her. Or, even worse, he plays tantrums, fainting, heart attacks and other ailments so that his daughter cancels all her plans. It also happens that a mother insults and humiliates her daughter, thereby offending and devaluing all her achievements.

What to do?

It is important to realize that the birth of a child is your desire, not his. An adult daughter does not have to give up her own plan to meet your expectations. If you are in the position of a daughter, start living separately at the first opportunity. Do not torture yourself if the mother now and then makes it clear that you have abandoned and betrayed her, but do not forget to visit your parents as often as possible, show them signs of attention and, of course, control their health. I also recommend watching an article about effective methods of getting rid of old grievances.

Five destructive types of relationships between mother and daughter

Unfortunately, even in seemingly prosperous families, things often don't go so smoothly. The reason for this is the wrong model of mother's behavior. Psychologists distinguish five types of relationships that ultimately lead to disagreement.

1. Daughter as a personal psychologist. Trust between relatives is wonderful, but not in the case when all family troubles fall on a little girl. It often happens that a mother voices all her feelings to her daughter: regarding a difficult financial situation, difficult relationships with her father, dislike for some relatives, etc. And the baby has no other choice but to listen. As a result, the mother, without realizing it, robs her daughter of a part of her childhood, depriving her of a sense of comfort and security.
2. Dictatorship. “Mom knows best”, “I have already decided everything for you”, “You will do as I told you” – typical attitudes of mother-dictator. The reason for this behavior is the oppressive burden of the mistakes of the past. It seems that the mother does not love her daughter, but only tries to live her life “on a clean copy”. Any manifestation of personal desires is suppressed in the bud. As a result, the adult daughter does not want to communicate with her mother and tries to reduce the number of visits to the minimum possible so as not to relive that very feeling of insignificance.
3. Domestic use. “The future mistress should not sit idly by”, “No one will marry you, such a clumsy”, “You must give me the money you earn” - these phrases are clear signs of domestic exploitation. A mother raises her daughter with the mindset that you are worth something only if you sacrifice everything for the common good. These girls grow up to be women who can endure domestic violence for years. A husband can morally suppress his wife, perceive her as a servant, and she will tolerate such an attitude towards herself, for the reason that in childhood she was given the installation - this is how a family should look like.
4. Mother boss . The boss mother differs from the mother-dictator in that she does not insist on a certain life path, but only controls the correctness of the decisions made by her daughter. Figuratively speaking, she, as a boss, requires a constant report on the work done, plans for the near and far future, and sets deadlines for their implementation. This often results in the daughter never learning to make decisions like an adult and becoming nervous about not getting approval or guidance from older relatives.
5. Stranger mother. There may be many reasons for this: the need to provide for the family alone, attempts to improve their personal lives, etc. If the parent is constantly absent and practically does not take part in the life and upbringing of her daughter, their relationship will not develop in the best way: in life only occasionally and demand love and attention to yourself, which, of course, will have nowhere to come from. As a result: the mother's jealousy of her daughter or relatives that replaced her as a guardian.

Why does a mother hate her daughter? Psychology and causes

No child deserves maternal dislike, and even more so - hatred. To understand the nature of a mother's hatred of her daughter, we will analyze the main theses.

Often the cause of hostility of a young mother to a newborn daughter is postpartum depression. This is a serious condition that needs to be corrected together with a psychotherapist.

So what are the reasons the most important woman in a girl's life might hate her?

1. She did not have an example of harmonious relationships. The first experience of love is received in childhood, attitudes towards relationships - too. If a woman has not had emotional intimacy with her own mother, she will not know how to have it with her own daughter. She will be confused and scared, which will cause her coldness to be perceived as hatred.
2. Daughter - unplanned/unwanted child. The woman was a victim of circumstances through her own fault: she did not want to become a mother, but contraception failed her, and then her husband or relatives pressed her, forcing her to give birth. Sometimes the answer to the question why a mother hates her daughter is absurd: because she wanted a son!
3. The daughter resembles her father, who is not around . A woman is forced every day to endure next to her a copy of the man who betrayed her, which only causes irritation. These emotions are especially pronounced when the baby inherits not only the appearance, but also the habits of her father.
4. The mother has a mental disorder disturbing the perception of reality. Depression, schizophrenia, neurosis.
5. Her ideal picture of the world has collapsed. Unfortunately, many women have a very mediocre idea of ​​motherhood as such. After all, the phrase "I want a child" sounds much more often than "I want to be a mother. " That is, the appearance of a baby is perceived rather as an acquisition, a week of return. In addition, many women use their pregnancy as a means of strengthening relationships, which does not always work.
6. The mother is jealous of her adult daughter. It also happens that a mother, instead of being happy for her accomplished daughter, experiences all-consuming envy. She realizes that her "best years" were spent on raising children, and her daughter, instead of following in her footsteps, lives for her own pleasure.

Abandoned in the hearts "I hate you!" not the same as true hatred. A mother is just a person who cannot always keep emotions under control. It is possible to talk about real hostility only if coldness, neglect and contempt are felt everywhere.

Hatred of mother to daughter. Exit psychology

We have figured out why a mother may not love her daughter - now we will try to understand what the victim of circumstances should do. If you recognize yourself as an unloved daughter, the following guide to action will help you not to burden an already difficult situation:

• Do not fall for provocations. The mother will look for confirmation of her beliefs in your words and actions - "My child is bad and that's why." Don't respond to attacks.
• Don't try to prove something . Succeeding to spite someone is a road that leads nowhere. You will not get satisfaction, and in the end, the mother will only become even more annoyed.
• Understand that you are unable to influence other people's emotions . You cannot correct her internal discomfort - she must do it herself.
• Learn to defend your own boundaries and interests. If you feel that your character is too soft to face a tyrant, your best bet is to live your own life separately at the earliest opportunity.
• Demonstrate your autonomy. You can act and make decisions on your own - the mother must understand and accept this. Be persistent and do not give up, even if the mother will resist in every possible way with your desire to be independent from her.

Adult daughter's hatred of mother. How to forgive and let go?

Hatred is a common reaction to indifference, coldness, and detachment. Women who feel dislike for their own mother have many social difficulties. They do not understand how to build friendships, how to base relationships with the opposite sex, and, moreover, how to raise their own children.

Men are much more likely than women to experience indelible hatred of their mother. Women, on the other hand, tend to look for an excuse and forgive, especially if they themselves have already become mothers.

An unhealthy relationship with the mother can be dealt with using the following methods.

Breaking up a relationship

As soon as you have the opportunity, leave your father's house and start an independent life. Resist the entreaties to stay and the intimidation that you will not succeed. Increase distance if necessary and limit communication to short phone calls. It is likely that during the separation, the mother will thaw.

Working with a psychotherapist

The main melting point of mental health is: "If you think you need to go to a psychologist, then you don't." The specialist will help you understand your feelings, find and eliminate old, childhood traumas.

Getting to know another point of view

Put yourself in your mother's shoes . Recreate in your imagination her life from childhood to our days. What kind of people do you have to deal with? What hardships to experience? Who showed you the most sympathy and care? This exercise will help you develop a sense of healthy empathy and analyze events from a different perspective.

Thank you list

Sit down at your desk and take an hour of your time to write a thank you list to your mother. Remember all the moments when her actions warmed your soul . This will help you be more patient with her.

Refusal of idealization

Every girl has ideas about an ideal family. It is based on the life experiences of other people, seen in films and even literary images of "exemplary mothers." But more often than not, such patterns are too flat and unviable. Accept your mother as she is . Ultimately, she is just a person with her own flaws and weaknesses.

Forgiveness list

Sit down at the table, focus, and write a few sentences in a column that will begin with the words “I forgive you for ...”, where instead of an ellipsis, what is relevant in your particular case.

Now let's talk about what not to do in this case:

• You shouldn't take revenge on your mother. The thirst for revenge is a painful condition that forces one to commit rash acts. All that awaits you in the end is an indelible feeling of shame.
• You should not look for a "lifeline" in marriage. By marrying "the first person you meet" you do not solve your problems, you only shift the responsibility for your own life to a man. If your spouse is just a way to escape from your parental home, be prepared for the fact that your relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

Conclusion

The mother-daughter relationship is the prototype of most important social and mental constructs. Among them are self-esteem, self-love and self-esteem, the ability to build relationships. Alas, the past cannot be changed, just as you cannot change your mother. But you can try to change yourself and start a new life without the burden of old grievances.

With love. Maria Shakti.

How to fix the relationship between mother and daughter from the point of view of psychology?

Today I will tell you how you can improve the relationship between mother and daughter and what are the reasons for negative feelings between them.

"A child is a guest in your house: feed him, teach him and let him go" - the essence of this Indian proverb is obvious, but, alas, it is very difficult for many parents to understand it. Someone perceives their child as property, someone instills a sense of unrequited debt and shame.

The connection between mother and daughter is a bond that leaves a significant imprint on both women . This article on our website lifeinheart.com will help you figure out why mothers sometimes don't like their daughters, why a daughter can hate her mother, and what to do to improve relationships?

Contents

Mother's role in shaping personality

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifetime liability? – This is the all-encompassing word includes all of these . After all, the formation of the daughter's personality, her perception of herself and the world around her largely depends on the behavior of the parent. So, what does a mother mean to a little girl?

1. A sense of security. Mom is the person in front of whom the baby should not be afraid to be herself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, love for "boyish" cartoons and sports. A zone free from judgment and the need to adapt will allow her to form her own vision of the world through trial and error.
2. The right to be a child. A girl, next to whom there is an adult, responsible and mature personality, can calmly do her “childish things”: play with dolls, play pranks, walk and learn. Not being burdened by adult responsibilities and knowledge is something every child is entitled to.
3. An example of social interaction. If a mother on the playground constantly gossips about her neighbors, expresses her dissatisfaction with her husband, this will be fixed in her daughter as a priori correct and acceptable behavior. That is why young parents should pay as much attention to introspection as possible.
4. An example of a wife. According to statistics, more than 50% of childhood injuries were received due to the forced contemplation of parental scandals. Every dissatisfied grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and an unflattering review of the father as the head of the family is deposited, if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
5. The ability to love and be loved. Observing her mother's behavior, a girl answers herself many important questions. Do the parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return, or are her actions disinterested? Does she accept signs of attention or pushes them away?

“Mom is the first word, the main word in every life…” – Do you remember this song? With the realization of the influence that the mother's position in life has on the formation of her daughter as an integral, separate person, it becomes even more meaningful.

If you are not sure of your own viability as a mother, seek help from a professional psychologist. A specialist will help you identify and resolve family conflicts.

Mother-daughter relationship depending on age stages

For 9 months, mother and daughter are in complete symbiosis: they are an inseparable whole. But this does not mean at all that this connection ceases with the cutting of the umbilical cord: a smooth and natural rejection begins, due to self-consciousness:

• From birth to one and a half years - absolute dependence. The mother is fully responsible for the well-being and safety of the baby. Gender doesn't matter. The natural maternal instinct, laid down by nature, came into force.
• From one and a half to three years - awareness of one's own needs. A baby at this age begins to realize her own desires that do not fit into the schedule or what her mother offers her. Phrases such as “give”, “I want / don’t want”, “I will / I won’t”, etc. appear in the lexicon. The girl begins to feel the need to make independent decisions, but at the same time she acts with an eye on her mother’s reaction. The mother, in turn, experiences a permanent feeling of concern for her child - all her efforts are aimed at protecting the life and health of the child.
• Three to seven years - identification period. The girl begins to identify herself with her mother, realizing her belonging to the female sex and adopting typical gender habits. At this stage, parents should give the child a little more free will and teach all the necessary self-care skills. Around the same time, the girl has her first friends, personal preferences and secrets.
• Puberty is an artificial conflict between mother and daughter. It is no longer a child that appears before the parents, but not yet a woman. What was previously taken for granted, taken for granted, begins to be rethought and criticized. The mother must get used to the idea that she will have to re-build relationships and learn to negotiate. The main thing to do is to maintain trust.
• Youth is the stabilization of relations between mother and daughter. An independent personality appears before the parents, with their own formed interests and views on life. Her role as a child ends naturally. She has the right to privacy, independent choice of a life partner and sexual partners, and the mother can only recognize this.
• Mother becomes a grandmother. The news that the daughter will soon become a mother herself brings women very close. For the first time in a long time, the expectant mother frankly needs maternal guidance, and she, in turn, gladly shares her life experience. The psychological and physical state of the expectant mother during pregnancy and after the baby is born depends very much on the support of others, including the mother and spouse.
• Old age - The relationship between mother and adult daughter is heating up again. Realizing their own weakness and loss of authority, many older women become capricious. Their behavior is in many ways similar to teenage rebellion. Now an adult daughter must adapt and look for an approach to her mother.

Many adult daughters, faced with the senile helplessness of their mothers, plunge into a depressive state. If you encounter this, do not hesitate to ask a professional for help. Also, don't judge yourself for asking for medical help.

• Mother's death - completion of separation. A daughter goes through a complex process of psychological separation from her mother and self-awareness as the main woman in the family.

All of the above stages are the natural sequence , which, unfortunately, often has many vital nuances that darken the relationship between two women who are close to each other.

The main reasons for the difficult relationship with the mother of an adult daughter

Relationships between daughter and mother do not always go smoothly. Let's look at the most common causes of disagreement.

Competition

No matter how strange it may sound, but female, albeit unconscious competition between mother and daughter is a very common cause for conflict.

Help! Most often, competition occurs in families where the mother gave birth too early, or several generations of women live in the family (grandmother, mother, daughter).

It lies in the fact that the mother is trivially jealous of her daughter, albeit subconsciously. She sees how her baby is gradually turning into a beautiful, young girl, and this phenomenon once again reminds her of her age. However, the train of thought can be turned in the opposite direction. The mother remembers what she was like at her daughter's age (sociable, flirtatious, slim, attractive, married, having children) and projects this onto her daughter, who is different from her both externally and internally. Because of this, the woman feels annoyed, believing that her child is not being realized properly. A mother's envy of her daughter may not be voiced directly, but it always burdens and creates a tense atmosphere in the family where no one can relax .

What to do?

In this case, it is necessary to show wisdom and empathy. Put yourself in your opponent's shoes and feel the pressure of unsolicited advice. If you are a mother, show loyalty and caution, recognize the daughter's right to her own life path. If you are a daughter, set personal boundaries and start working on your own self-esteem. As a rule, the degree of pressure from older relatives decreases when they see that you have clear life position .

Unwillingness to admit one's mistakes

An ill-mannered, impudent, arrogant and uncontrollable girl who does everything in defiance is nothing but a mirror reflection of her parent's actions. At one time, the mother did not pay due attention to education, focusing on meeting material needs (housing, education, food, clothes) and as a result, she faces a completely unfamiliar girl with well-formed interests, which cannot be influenced by scandals and remarks due to lack of authority.

Or the opposite situation arises: the daughter, who grew up in a dysfunctional family, fears a repeat of her fate and does everything to oppose herself to her mother, which looks like actions “out of spite” and deliberate ignorance. The daughter does not hate her mother, but considers her an example of how life is not worth living.

What to do?

First of all, it is necessary to devote time to introspection . Do not try to make up for lost time in a short time - try to get to know each other. No need to break a person for yourself - a mother who humiliates and insults an adult daughter under no circumstances will be perceived as a wise mentor.

Non-recognition of personal boundaries

Of course, it is extremely important to know your child, but it is not permissible to arrange shadowing of him and deprive him of even minimal personal space. A mother who reads a personal diary, turns out her pockets, checks her browser history and personal correspondence is perceived as a threat and untrustworthy person.

In most of these cases, one outcome: the child learns to lie early, to lead a double life, and at the first opportunity leaves the native walls to feel at ease. And also often an adult daughter does not communicate with her mother, except as necessary and in general phrases.

What to do?

You should remember yourself in your youth and understand that at this age there are also individual desires and needs that often run counter to the expectations of the family. It should be understood that espionage and gross violation of personal boundaries have not yet aroused a desire to get close to anyone.

Active search

A young mother in her prime of life and years has every right to a happy personal life. Just do not forget about the child and his perception of reality. A girl who is in the care of her grandparents, while her mother is trying to get along with a new object of sighing, feels abandoned and unnecessary. As a result: jealousy, protest, attracting attention to yourself in the most radical ways.

Often a mother, inspired by a new relationship, pays attention to a child from her first marriage only in an emergency (when he screams, cries, gets hurt, etc.). Often this leads to children's self-harm (self-harm) and depressive states.

What to do?

It is worth understanding that only husbands can be ex-husbands - children will remain with you forever. The daughter also has the right to her own opinion about your new chosen one - she is not obliged to love him. The task of adults in this case is to provide the child with a sense of security . If you are a daughter who grew up in such a family, work through your emotions with a psychologist. Try to look at your mother as a simple person. Recognize her right to be wrong.

An imposed sense of duty

“I fed you, taught you, brought you up, and you are an ungrateful egoist!” - This phrase can be heard by a daughter who does not act the way her mother expected. There are many options: she started the wrong career, started the wrong hobby, started dating the wrong man. The parent feels as if she has put a significant layer of life on the altar of education, and has not received the desired return for this.

As a result: the mother manipulates the adult daughter, constantly reminding her that she is indebted to her. Or, even worse, he plays tantrums, fainting, heart attacks and other ailments so that his daughter cancels all her plans. It also happens that a mother insults and humiliates her daughter, thereby offending and devaluing all her achievements.

What to do?

It is important to realize that the birth of a child is your desire, not his. An adult daughter does not have to give up her own plan to meet your expectations. If you are in the position of a daughter, start living separately at the first opportunity. Do not torture yourself if the mother now and then makes it clear that you have abandoned and betrayed her, but do not forget to visit your parents as often as possible, show them signs of attention and, of course, control their health. I also recommend watching an article about effective methods of getting rid of old grievances.

Five destructive types of relationships between mother and daughter

Unfortunately, even in seemingly prosperous families, things often don't go so smoothly. The reason for this is the wrong model of mother's behavior. Psychologists distinguish five types of relationships that ultimately lead to disagreement.

1. Daughter as a personal psychologist. Trust between relatives is wonderful, but not in the case when all family troubles fall on a little girl. It often happens that a mother voices all her feelings to her daughter: regarding a difficult financial situation, difficult relationships with her father, dislike for some relatives, etc. And the baby has no other choice but to listen. As a result, the mother, without realizing it, robs her daughter of a part of her childhood, depriving her of a sense of comfort and security.
2. Dictatorship. “Mom knows best”, “I have already decided everything for you”, “You will do as I told you” – typical attitudes of mother-dictator. The reason for this behavior is the oppressive burden of the mistakes of the past. It seems that the mother does not love her daughter, but only tries to live her life “on a clean copy”. Any manifestation of personal desires is suppressed in the bud. As a result, the adult daughter does not want to communicate with her mother and tries to reduce the number of visits to the minimum possible so as not to relive that very feeling of insignificance.
3. Domestic use. “The future mistress should not sit idly by”, “No one will marry you, such a clumsy”, “You must give me the money you earn” - these phrases are clear signs of domestic exploitation. A mother raises her daughter with the mindset that you are worth something only if you sacrifice everything for the common good. These girls grow up to be women who can endure domestic violence for years. A husband can morally suppress his wife, perceive her as a servant, and she will tolerate such an attitude towards herself, for the reason that in childhood she was given the installation - this is how a family should look like.
4. Mother boss . The boss mother differs from the mother-dictator in that she does not insist on a certain life path, but only controls the correctness of the decisions made by her daughter. Figuratively speaking, she, as a boss, requires a constant report on the work done, plans for the near and far future, and sets deadlines for their implementation. This often results in the daughter never learning to make decisions like an adult and becoming nervous about not getting approval or guidance from older relatives.
5. Stranger mother. There may be many reasons for this: the need to provide for the family alone, attempts to improve their personal lives, etc. If the parent is constantly absent and practically does not take part in the life and upbringing of her daughter, their relationship will not develop in the best way: in life only occasionally and demand love and attention to yourself, which, of course, will have nowhere to come from. As a result: the mother's jealousy of her daughter or relatives that replaced her as a guardian.

Why does a mother hate her daughter? Psychology and causes

No child deserves maternal dislike, and even more so - hatred. To understand the nature of a mother's hatred of her daughter, we will analyze the main theses.

Often the cause of hostility of a young mother to a newborn daughter is postpartum depression. This is a serious condition that needs to be corrected together with a psychotherapist.

So what are the reasons the most important woman in a girl's life might hate her?

1. She did not have an example of harmonious relationships. The first experience of love is received in childhood, attitudes towards relationships - too. If a woman has not had emotional intimacy with her own mother, she will not know how to have it with her own daughter. She will be confused and scared, which will cause her coldness to be perceived as hatred.
2. Daughter - unplanned/unwanted child. The woman was a victim of circumstances through her own fault: she did not want to become a mother, but contraception failed her, and then her husband or relatives pressed her, forcing her to give birth. Sometimes the answer to the question why a mother hates her daughter is absurd: because she wanted a son!
3. The daughter resembles her father, who is not around . A woman is forced every day to endure next to her a copy of the man who betrayed her, which only causes irritation. These emotions are especially pronounced when the baby inherits not only the appearance, but also the habits of her father.
4. The mother has a mental disorder disturbing the perception of reality. Depression, schizophrenia, neurosis.
5. Her ideal picture of the world has collapsed. Unfortunately, many women have a very mediocre idea of ​​motherhood as such. After all, the phrase "I want a child" sounds much more often than "I want to be a mother. " That is, the appearance of a baby is perceived rather as an acquisition, a week of return. In addition, many women use their pregnancy as a means of strengthening relationships, which does not always work.
6. The mother is jealous of her adult daughter. It also happens that a mother, instead of being happy for her accomplished daughter, experiences all-consuming envy. She realizes that her "best years" were spent on raising children, and her daughter, instead of following in her footsteps, lives for her own pleasure.

Abandoned in the hearts "I hate you!" not the same as true hatred. A mother is just a person who cannot always keep emotions under control. It is possible to talk about real hostility only if coldness, neglect and contempt are felt everywhere.

Hatred of mother to daughter. Exit psychology

We have figured out why a mother may not love her daughter - now we will try to understand what the victim of circumstances should do. If you recognize yourself as an unloved daughter, the following guide to action will help you not to burden an already difficult situation:

• Do not fall for provocations. The mother will look for confirmation of her beliefs in your words and actions - "My child is bad and that's why." Don't respond to attacks.
• Don't try to prove something . Succeeding to spite someone is a road that leads nowhere. You will not get satisfaction, and in the end, the mother will only become even more annoyed.
• Understand that you are unable to influence other people's emotions . You cannot correct her internal discomfort - she must do it herself.
• Learn to defend your own boundaries and interests. If you feel that your character is too soft to face a tyrant, your best bet is to live your own life separately at the earliest opportunity.
• Demonstrate your autonomy. You can act and make decisions on your own - the mother must understand and accept this. Be persistent and do not give up, even if the mother will resist in every possible way with your desire to be independent from her.

Adult daughter's hatred of mother. How to forgive and let go?

Hatred is a common reaction to indifference, coldness, and detachment. Women who feel dislike for their own mother have many social difficulties. They do not understand how to build friendships, how to base relationships with the opposite sex, and, moreover, how to raise their own children.

Men are much more likely than women to experience indelible hatred of their mother. Women, on the other hand, tend to look for an excuse and forgive, especially if they themselves have already become mothers.

An unhealthy relationship with the mother can be dealt with using the following methods.

Breaking up a relationship

As soon as you have the opportunity, leave your father's house and start an independent life. Resist the entreaties to stay and the intimidation that you will not succeed. Increase distance if necessary and limit communication to short phone calls. It is likely that during the separation, the mother will thaw.

Working with a psychotherapist

The main melting point of mental health is: "If you think you need to go to a psychologist, then you don't." The specialist will help you understand your feelings, find and eliminate old, childhood traumas.

Getting to know another point of view

Put yourself in your mother's shoes . Recreate in your imagination her life from childhood to our days. What kind of people do you have to deal with? What hardships to experience? Who showed you the most sympathy and care? This exercise will help you develop a sense of healthy empathy and analyze events from a different perspective.

Thank you list

Sit down at your desk and take an hour of your time to write a thank you list to your mother. Remember all the moments when her actions warmed your soul . This will help you be more patient with her.

Refusal of idealization

Every girl has ideas about an ideal family. It is based on the life experiences of other people, seen in films and even literary images of "exemplary mothers." But more often than not, such patterns are too flat and unviable. Accept your mother as she is . Ultimately, she is just a person with her own flaws and weaknesses.

Forgiveness list

Sit down at the table, focus, and write a few sentences in a column that will begin with the words “I forgive you for ...”, where instead of an ellipsis, what is relevant in your particular case.

Now let's talk about what not to do in this case:

• You shouldn't take revenge on your mother. The thirst for revenge is a painful condition that forces one to commit rash acts. All that awaits you in the end is an indelible feeling of shame.

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