Why do you feel guilty after ejaculating
Feeling guilty about masturbation? Don't fret, just do it-Living News , Firstpost
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- Feeling guilty about masturbation? Don't fret, just do it
Feeling guilty about masturbation? Don't fret, just do it
From the ages 15 to 18, I spent half my day apologizing to my dead grandparents (and all the other dead guardians of my family) for what I’d just indulged in. Those years went like this: consume porn-masturbate-guilt-sorry Nani, promise last time Nani!
Rukun Kaul August 14, 2014 14:52:57 IST
Dear Ms K
Would you call it normal if someone is masturbating since the age of 10 or 11 and still, at 21, continue to do so once or twice a week? If it is normal then why do I start regretting it the moment I ejaculate?
As Michael Jackson once sang, “You are not alone. ” A lot of people have experienced guilt after masturbation. Exhibit A: Me.
I was 15 when my grandparents passed away. For comfort, I was told that our deceased family members continue to watch over us even after they’re gone. YE THI MERE GUILT KI SHURUWAAT.
From the ages 15 to 18, I spent half my day apologizing to my dead grandparents (and all the other dead guardians of my family) for what I’d just indulged in. Those years went like this: consume porn-masturbate-guilt-sorry Nani, promise last time Nani!
Don’t even get me started on the numerous journal entries I’d made during that time documenting my problem “X”.
Image courtesy: AFP.
In a nutshell: I feel you.
The guilt of which you speaketh can arise from various reasons. A popular one being societal norms that are deep-rooted in prejudice and an unhealthy outlook on sex. If this is the reason, then listen to me carefully. Find the nearest vent available and throw your guilt out of it! There is no reason to feel guilty about pleasuring yourself. Our bodies are meant to seek pleasure. And in the absence of a sexual partner or sex toys (read: welcome to my life), this is your only ticket to Valhalla.
In case you’re surrounded by sages who claim masturbation can bless you with a mental disorder or two, fret not. There are no scientific studies that have found a causal relationship between masturbation and any mental or physical disorder. On the contrary, it is said to have medical and psychological benefits. Ergo, carpe diem.
Thank the stars that your guilty conscience isn’t anything like mine. My poor teenage heart couldn’t bear the burden of this problem ‘X’. It led me to confess the accidental brush-ins with my nether region to my mother. Can you imagine the awkwardness? "Hain, what are you talking about? What is that?" That was my mother’s lame attempt at playing dumb. Then she casually went back to making dal. But as is apparent by now, I have big heart. So I’ve let bygones be bygones.
I’d pat my back and consider your problem solved unless you are also experiencing sadness along with the feelings of guilt post orgasm. It could be that you are mistaking the feeling of gloom with guilt. When you experience these feelings, take note of the thought that leads you to these feeling of guilt. Many people are known to experience sadness after an orgasm. While I don’t have an anecdote from my personal life to dole out here, those who do have these gloomy feelings are usually experiencing a drop in their serotonin levels during or just after having an orgasm. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter in our brain associated with feelings of happiness. I would recommend a visit to a doctor if the guilt is accompanied by a sense of gloom since in that case, it could be that the problem may be biochemical in nature.
Regardless of what might be the cause, remember that you are not alone. While most people don’t discuss these topics openly, a lot of people experience these feelings.
Please send questions for Ms K to [email protected].
Updated Date: February 26, 2020 14:35:52 IST
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Why Do Guys Feel Guilty After Ejaculating?
Why do guys feel guilty after ejaculating? More specifically, why is there a sense of shame specifically after masturbating? This concept of “masturbation remorse” or “masturbation guilt” is a lot more common than you might think.
It’s not that you didn’t want to pleasure yourself, or that you didn’t have a good time. The downer at the end of a masturbation session can often feel like it came from nowhere.
Feeling guilty after masturbating is a pretty common thing. When you’re super aroused, or enjoying the pleasure of masturbation, guilt is likely to be the last thing on your mind. Yet, for some reason, as soon as you reach your peak, it’s like a switch flips, and you’re suddenly tumbling into emotional turmoil.
So, what’s the problem?
The jury is still out on this one. However, there are some interesting theories about why masturbation shame might be a thing for some people.
Let’s try to get to the bottom of the mystery!
Why do I feel disgusted after ejaculating?
Feeling bad after ejaculation can be a different experience for different people. Some people have a small sense of embarrassment or shame after watching a particularly saucy video or spanking the monkey when they should have been working or doing something productive.
Others feel genuine disgust after climax – whether they’re masturbating or having sex.
If you’re feeling a little off after ejaculation, it’s worth getting to the bottom of the emotion and where it comes from. Are you disgusted in yourself, what you’ve done, or something else entirely?
According to Executive Medical Director at the Sexual Health Center in Orange County, Dr. Michael Krychman, feeling a little sad after orgasm is normal. He says the feeling might come from something deep inside of a guy’s primitive brain – in the part where men associate sex with an expression of power.
If having sex shows you’re powerful, ejaculation would consequently symbolize the power being spent, or running out.
Of course, there may be more to your ejaculation shame too. If you’ve previously had bad experiences in sex, then ejaculation could be triggering memories or negative feelings – as a form of PTSD.
People who have experienced sexual pain, rape, and other horrific instances can usually feel particularly traumatized after sex. While you might feel fine during the sex act, when the adrenaline and euphoria melts away, you’re left with an underlying psychological issue.
Why do I feel guilty after masturbating?
If you’re specifically feeling guilty after masturbating, then the problem is unlikely to be with your “primitive” monkey mind, or issues regarding PTSD (though this may still be a possibility for some). Masturbation guilt or masturbation remorse still tends to come from a psychological place.
Most of us–male and female–grow up with adults teaching us sex is wrong, dirty, or bad. We’re encouraged to stay away from sex as much as possible, and many of us hear horror stories about STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and the like.
If you grow up in a religious family, you’re even more likely to have issues with sex on a psychological level. Some particularly religious parents go as far as teaching their children touching themselves means a ticket straight to hell.
The way our parents act about the concept of sex or masturbation has a direct impact on how we feel about it. From a young age, we begin to develop a sense of shame whenever we think of sex. It’s frequently swept under the rug and ignored as a taboo, unsanitary topic.
In an environment like this – it’s no wonder masturbation guilt develops. When you do, inevitably get to the point of pleasuring yourself, as soon as you ejaculate, you remember all the bad things you’ve been told about sex, and instantly you feel guilty.
Over time, a sense of guilt can become intertwined with the act of masturbation, so you’re left with a severe sense of masturbation remorse dampening your climax high.
Is masturbation guilt normal?
People who ask, “why do guys feel guilty after ejaculating?” regularly follow the question with “and it is it normal?” No-one wants to feel weird or unusual – particularly when it comes to sex.
The good news is masturbation guilt is common – and definitely not something you’re experiencing on your own. Depending on the severity of your feelings of guilt or shame, this may not be a significant issue for you either. It all depends how far the problem goes.
If you feel a little masturbation remorse because you’ve been spending time with your special lotion rather than focusing on an important task, or doing something you consider to be more important, that’s perfectly normal. You can simply wait for the feeling to wear off and try to maintain your focus next time.
It’s common to for some guys to start feeling guilty after certain kinds of ejaculation too. For instance, if you’ve had a one-night stand with someone you barely know, you might feel ashamed because you think you “took advantage” or didn’t get to know the person well enough.
This is easily resolved by potentially trying to connect with the other person – to see if they feel the same way.
If you had an orgasm after watching a video in a certain realm of porn you feel uncomfortable about, this might be a sign you either need to embrace your sexual side (provided your interests are healthy) or speak to a therapist about anything you consider to be unhealthy.
How “normal” your guilt is depends on you, and the situation.
Can you avoid masturbation shame?
For some people, masturbation guilt goes away gradually with time. The more you grow up and realise sex and masturbation aren’t bad things, the more comfortable you get with ejaculation.
Many of us eventually realise our parents were probably trying to scare us away from sex because they didn’t want to think about their precious children losing their innocence.
Of course, for some people, overcoming the guilt surrounding masturbation and sex can be more complex. People who have gone through abuse (physical or emotional) surrounding sex often have a hard time categorizing pleasurable feeling in their minds.
If you’ve ever been told frightening things about sex or masturbation, or been made to feel guilty for touching yourself, you’re probably going to be a lot more nervous.
Masturbation guilt can also be more of a significant problem with people with certain mind frames. If you develop an unhealthy relationship with orgasm, where ejaculation is the only way you think you can relax or experience pleasure, it starts to feel more like a chore than something fun.
This is when masturbation becomes a problematic, compulsive activity.
Ultimately, if your feelings of masturbation guilt seem to go deeper than just feeling a little awkward about what you watched on your favorite porn site, there may be a reason to explore the issue further.
Speaking to a therapist might seem like a terrifying concept, but it can help you to unravel the mystery of why you feel so overwhelmed by guilt when you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself.
Ejaculation is a good thing – enjoy it!
If, like most people experiencing guilt after orgasm, you’re just dealing with the residual shame installed in you by your parents or religion, don’t panic. Usually, this problem does get better with time, but it can always help to start accepting yourself a little more.
Remember, human beings are designed to enjoy sex and masturbation – there’s nothing wrong with you for having a good time.
Recognizing you’re a full, complete human being with sexual desires and needs, and not just “someone’s son” can help you to feel more comfortable with the idea of pleasuring yourself. If you have deeper, ingrained feelings of guilt and shame that go beyond the basics, this might be a sign that it’s time to seek out some extra help.
Sometimes it really does pay to get some assistance with appreciating yourself, so you can enjoy “loving yourself” a little more.
Ultimately, we’re all just animals, driven by desires, sex, and the constant quest for pleasure. Masturbation and sex are entirely natural. Unless you’re hurting someone, yourself, or you’re worried about something you consider to be “troubling” in your sexual experiences, there’s nothing to feel guilty about.
Blitz yourself better!
You must not rely on the information provided on our website as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare professional. For more information read our full disclaimer here.
Now read these:
—Why does my girlfriend feel loose?
—Swollen penis after masturbation
—Why do I have a mushroom penis?
—Is it normal to pee after ejaculating?
—Why does it hurt to pee after sex
—Does masturbation make you tired?
—Just how small is a small penis?
Sex through tears or Why is it sad after intimacy?
Sex relieves headaches, premature aging and even helps reduce the risk of depression. But scientists have found that 46% of women and about 40% of men can experience feelings of sadness, depression, and even a desire to cry after intercourse. We tell you what caused these emotions and whether it is necessary to sound the alarm.
Attention! "Adult" content intended for persons over the age of 18
On the wave of hormones
Scientists call this condition postcoital dysphoria. Two Australian studies in 2015 and 2018 found that about 40% of all men and women who participated in the study, regardless of age, gender and sexual orientation, experienced it.
Postcoital dysphoria instead of pleasant lightness and calmness after sex envelops a person with feelings of guilt, melancholy, loneliness. These sensations cause anxiety and make you think that something has broken in the body or in relationships, but scientists reassure: quite often this condition can be triggered by a surge in the hormones of pleasure and affection.
During sex, the body receives an increased dose of sex hormones (testosterone), attachment hormones (oxytocin, dopamine), and after intercourse their concentration in the blood decreases. This can cause a withdrawal syndrome, for which feelings of anxiety and discomfort are fairly common reactions. Perhaps the partners have not been together for too long or, on the contrary, have recently taken a break in their intimate life.
Reasons for sadness
Sometimes the reason for a depressed state lies in the plane of psychology and emotions. The topic of sex is still surrounded by a rather dense cloud of negative associations, and sometimes they make their way into the couple's personal life. Here are a few reasons that can cause postcoital dysphoria:
Dissatisfaction with oneself
Many people want to look like heroes from the covers of erotic novels during sex: when the angle is perfect, the figure is correct, the look is meaningful and mysterious, and the hair lies like after a salon. But will it add positive emotions? Rather, trying to maintain a perfect appearance during sex will only distract and lead to even more irritation and fatigue.
The reasons may be different: perhaps you were not interested enough in sex, but did not want to refuse your partner, or you would like sex to happen in a different place, under different circumstances and with a different partner.
When a relationship is turbulent, sex can turn into a desperate attempt to strengthen a shattered bond, feel close to a partner. But the hormonal glue doesn't always work flawlessly, problems are cumulative, and if left unresolved, miraculous orgasm or conciliatory sex won't work.
Lack of confidence in partner
“Does he/she really like it or is he/she pretending?” Uncertainty in a partner and the search for a dirty trick turn sex into "Lie to me" and also distract from pleasure.
Sex-related trauma can also cause depression when the person feels that their own boundaries have been violated. This is a strong emotional experience that can carry over to the next intimate relationship. Such a problem often requires the help of a specialist.
Emotional causes can be resolved by a sincere and honest conversation with a partner or psychologist. Often they can turn out to be deeper than it seems at first glance, but this does not mean at all that it is impossible to deal with them.
Feelings: Why do we need it and can we get rid of it
to know ourselves
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“You will not be surprised now! » - my friend chuckled when I, shocked, told about a conversation with a childhood friend - after ten years of marriage, she found out that all these years her husband had relationships on the side. I was indignant, but my interlocutor only smiled. As well as colleagues, women and men with whom I discussed (out of professional interest) this event.
Unexpectedly for me, different people agreed that cheating does not matter much in a couple's relationship if the other does not suffer because of it or does not know about it at all. The very same culprit of this whole discussion (I had a tense conversation with him) amazed me with a complete lack of guilt.
Our experts confirm that infidelity, as well as open relationships, sexual "excesses" and prohibitions associated with these aspects of life, which previously traumatized entire generations, now make us feel less and less guilty. Other "accusers" enter the scene.
Enjoy without looking back?
“Our feelings are connected with the values accepted in society,” explains family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - So, the totalitarian system imposed strict prohibitions on the manifestation and discussion of sexuality.
Thanks to changes in society, our internal boundaries have become more flexible, we feel freer, including in intimate relationships. It is enough to go online to make sure that now literally everything is possible, allowed and available, any fantasy can be realized.”
Guilt is “activated” by the norms and rules of the environment in which we move
Guilt is one of the most ancient human experiences (like anger, shame, interest, surprise, fear, shyness…), it is part of our mental life . Only some people with certain mental disorders are deprived of this feeling. The feeling of guilt is “activated” by the norms and rules of the environment in which we move. But each era has its own norms of behavior, its own taboos, its own values.
In the 19th century, married pregnant women hid from view in country estates (a growing belly emphasized that the lady was sinful). In the middle of the 20th century, scary stories about “what masturbation leads to” were popular in many families, there were talks about the immorality of pornography, oral sex and other sexual “perversions”.
Perhaps even now we are not ready to talk about our intimate life — “yes, I masturbate”, “yes, I prefer anal (oral) sex”, but we have definitely stopped considering these preferences as unnatural, dangerous, scandalous. Today, we are also far from discussing adultery at party meetings.
“At the same time, it is important to understand that changes in the perception of sexuality become irreversible only when several generations grow up,” continues Inna Khamitova. - After all, children involuntarily reproduce the attitude of adults to their bodies, to sex, to themselves. And the current 30-year-olds were brought up, among other things, by grandmothers who grew up before the sexual revolution.
It is hard to imagine what today's children will face in their adult life, the non-observance of what norms will arouse in them a sense of guilt. In any case, we are no longer embarrassed by sexual experiments: on the contrary, now we are simply “obliged” to receive maximum sexual pleasure, and those who do not experience it are “to blame”.
But why should we be guilty of anything at all? Where does this painful feeling of guilt come from?
“The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that the basis of morality, including feelings of guilt, is the oedipal complex,” explains psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan. - Any child in early childhood feels rivalry with his mother or father and begins to fight for the object of his love. Ambivalence of feelings - "I hate the one I love, and I want to eliminate him" - causes a feeling of "I'm bad", which leads to feelings of guilt.
This is a natural stage in a child's life, which then allows him to identify with the parent of the same sex, to move from rivalry to awareness of similarity. The child gradually begins to trust himself more (“I’m angry with my dad, but I won’t kill him”) and parents (“they won’t punish me for my desires, but they won’t let me cross the line”). In this case, he will have no reason to excessively protect his psyche from bad thoughts.
But if the relationship develops differently and there is no opportunity to trust himself and his parents, the child may be in the grip of "neurotic guilt."
Children who are surrounded by gentle, humane relatives also know what guilt feels like
“Over time, conflicting impulses cease to be realized: this is how the psyche protects itself from what it cannot bear,” continues Marina Harutyunyan. “And it turns out to be completely different on the surface - after all, we are unable to admit that the source of such feelings as envy, jealousy, hatred is in ourselves, so we can feel guilty ourselves without knowing what.”
There is a popular notion that overly strict parents increase the child's feelings of guilt. “Such logic is too straightforward,” objected Marina Harutyunyan. “Negative feelings arise very early: even a baby can be angry, furious or helpless.”
Children who are surrounded by gentle, humane loved ones also know what guilt feels like. “This emotion is universal, it is the basis of our conscience, morality or “Super-I”, as Freud called this personality structure, says Marina Harutyunyan. - For example, a child is afraid of offending someone, feels aggression. To whom? If he cannot explain to himself why and with whom he is angry, he will begin to blame himself. In addition, children easily fantasize, exaggerate.
Psychoanalyst Eric Erickson described a case where a 6-year-old girl lived in constant confusion and did not make contact. Turned out that when she was 9months, the mother fell ill with tuberculosis and was isolated from her daughter. And then the girl, as Erickson explains, "decided" that she was to blame, that she had been deprived of her mother, because she had "damaged" her with mistreatment. Only by dissuading the girl that contact with her is destructive for others, it was possible to improve her condition 1 .
The unconscious internal mechanisms that led to feelings of guilt in childhood are subjected to stringent external demands in adulthood. The inability to be perfect is the phenomenon of the beginning of the 21st century, the philosopher Gilles Deleuze explains by the fact that we are sliding into a “society of control”.
In the world of large corporations, “irreconcilable rivalry is introduced as an incentive and role model: a great motivator that actually pits people against each other and goes through everyone, causing an internal split” 2 .
We feel guilty because others tell us that we are guilty
You can't do less than your neighbor, you can't leave on time, take a vacation when you want, or just get sick without letting your colleagues down...
Victor, 50, is surprised: “How can young guys agree to work 14 hours a day today? Don't they feel sorry for themselves, their personal lives? Why are they sitting at the computer from 9 am to 11 pm? Work weekends, take your laptop with you on vacation? It doesn't fit in my head. "
Everything must be done perfectly, and every day more must be done - these are two beliefs that the management of large companies exploits. Their young employees "live" in the office, and immediately after - a treadmill or tight pedals in the gym to lose extra pounds, be in shape ...
Careful body care has also become the norm. As well as a critical analysis of the contents of his plate. Sports, Eastern philosophy, a healthy lifestyle... Ignoring these canons, we suffer from confusion. Are we ashamed?
“It is difficult to distinguish between feelings of guilt and feelings of shame,” explains Marina Harutyunyan. - The one who is consumed by shame, is guided by the views of other people. He is ashamed, for example, to be fat (it seems that everyone looks at him with condemnation), but at the same time he feels guilty because he did not do something, and he has no excuse in front of his ideal "I"
“How can we forgive ourselves for even a minor mistake, if we have a strong idea that we should be perfect? Marina Harutyunyan continues. “When we pit our ideal self against our real self, we always lose.”
35-year-old Margarita describes the case of such a “lose”: “Now I myself understand how stupid it was: one summer I was the last to leave the office and already near the house I remembered that I had not turned off the air conditioner. Imagining that he would work all night and the first person to come would end up in a real refrigerator, I broke out in sweat. And then, it’s wrong to leave electrical appliances on ... In general, I returned so as not to be tormented all night by remorse.”
Why did simple forgetfulness cause a strong experience, disproportionate to the cause? Not getting the excellent results we expect, we ask ourselves: “Did I try hard enough?”, “Did I do a good job?”, “Did I give everything to the family, children?” And even minor mistakes can cause an unpleasant, aching feeling, prompting you to admit your “mistakes”.
So what are we to blame now? Basically - in our own imperfection: we are not always happy, we work hard or poorly, we raise children in the wrong way, we do not care enough about our health and beauty. We feel guilty because others tell us that we are to blame. We will never be free from guilt, but it is within our power to resist it.
Questions to the expert
“Culture is largely based on guilt”
Marina Harutyunyan, psychoanalyst, member of the Moscow Psychoanalytic Society and the International Psychoanalytic Association (IPA)
How does guilt arise?
To answer this question, Sigmund Freud imagined and described an episode from the prehistory of mankind. The despotic father controlled the life of the tribe and did not allow young males to claim freedoms, including females. The males rebelled and killed him. They got their way, but they were tormented by patricide. So there was a sense of guilt. This deep experience also underlies the biblical fall into sin, so that in the future everything is built on the idea of redemption, the need to make amends, to live anew. It turns out that human culture is largely based on guilt.
Why is this experience so painful?
Painfully excessive, neurotic guilt. It suppresses, forces to be aggressive towards oneself or others. To others, because the guilt is unbearable and a person must shift it onto someone. To himself, because he is tormented by fruitless remorse, which rather serve as self-punishment than encourage change.
How to distinguish a conscious feeling from a destructive one?
It is possible to get rid of perceived guilt. “I just can’t finish the job ... I’ll sit longer and do it!” This is not the case with neurotic experience. For example, a woman accuses herself of being a bad mother, not reading books to her child. It would seem, take it and read it. But she cannot do this, because the child annoys her, she is bored with him. To avoid these feelings, not to admit them to herself, she moves away from the child. Neurotic guilt is associated with a deep experience of "I am bad", the origins of which are hidden.