How to not be a toxic girlfriend
How To Prevent Toxicity In Your Relationship, According To Experts
Life
by Carolyn Steber
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In order to prevent toxicity in your relationship, it can help to establish a few everyday habits, with the goal of keeping your connection strong. These habits can run the gamut from communicating more often, to going on dates, to practicing gratitude. Basically, whatever you think your relationship needs in order for you and your partner to feel good.
Because without these basics, it's possible you won't feel heard, that someone will feel misunderstood, or that arguments will go on unresolved. The list goes on, and it "can take a huge toll on the relationship because it can allow you to feel resentful towards your partner," Ariel Sank, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced working with couples, tells Bustle.
And that is, of course, only one of the many emotions that contributes to toxicity.
It can help to keep in mind, though, that "few relationships start toxic," Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. "Most of them become toxic over time as negative habits and patterns develop. By working to keep toxicity away on a regular basis, you’re being proactive in keeping the relationship healthy, rather than fixing an issue down the line." Here are some great ways to start, according to experts.
1
Be Intentional
Cheerful young couple is talkingShutterstock
"So many of us are moving through our day on autopilot," Lauren Cook, MMFT, a clinician practicing emotionally-focused therapy, tells Bustle. And while that's understandable to a degree, if you fall too much into a groove, toxicity can creep its way into your relationship.
Without realizing it, you may stop spending quality time together, you might not pay attention to what the other is saying, and you might not notice when a problem is brewing — all things that can leave you both feeling disconnected.
And yet, as Cook says, "if you are intentional about the health of your relationship, and make it a priority in your daily schedule, this can ward off a declining romance."
2
Show Love
"We often love our partner the way we want to be loved," Cook says. "For example, maybe you love when your partner does the laundry for you, so you try doing more household chores for your partner." But it can help to talk about how you both like to be loved, and then do more of that for each other.
"While [doing chores] may be helpful, it is a missed opportunity as it could be that your partner feels the most loved when you give thoughtful compliments or physical touch," Cook says. "Knowing how your partner loves to be loved is essential." And being aware of that every day can help.
3
Have Fun
Carefree young lesbian couple laughing and dancing together outside on a street in the city on a sunny day Shutterstock
Hey, life can be stressful.
And the more you let outside stressors seep into your relationship, the greater the toll it will take. So be sure to have fun and keep things light, whenever possible, as a way to weather these ups and downs.
"It’s so important to keep laughing with your partner," Cook says. "Check your ego at the door and take time to just be silly together." By having fun and being positive, toxic habits will be less likely to take hold.
4
Appreciate The Little Things
"Many relationships turn toxic because both partners start focusing on the negatives in the relationship and each other," Bennett says. So if you don't already, make it a habit to notice little things you do for each other, and then bask in that gratitude.
"By being grateful for each other and showing it, you keep the relationship focused on the positive aspects of your life together," Bennett says. It's yet another habit that can keep the scales from tipping towards negativity.
5
Spend Quality Time Together (And Go On More Dates)
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"A lot of times, when we are in relationships we are so busy with the day-to-day tasks that we forget how important it is to take a step back and be present [.
..] by spending alone time together," Sank says. But the good news is there are plenty of ways to turn this around and replace it with something more helpful.
You could, for instance, make a point to have breakfast together every morning, watch your favorite show at night, or even go out on special dates more often. As Sank says, "This can be so helpful in reducing toxicity as it will allow you to be fully present with your partner and just enjoy their company without getting wrapped up in the stress of your everyday tasks."
6
Work On Having Open Communication
"By having open communication with your partner, you are providing a space to talk about your feelings or concerns rather than [letting] things [get] bottled up, which can lead to resentment and toxicity," Sank says. And thankfully, this is a skill you can practice every day.
It might mean setting aside time in the evening to chat and/or vent about your day, or making a point to check in more often.
"Everyone has different communication styles so it is important to learn and understand your own style as well as your partner's," Sank says, and then make that a priority.
7
Talk When You're Upset
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Along those same lines, it can be beneficial to address problems as soon as they arise instead of holding them in, waiting for your partner to notice, or becoming passive aggressive — all things that can lead to toxicity.
"If you’re upset with your partner, have any issues in the relationship, or are simply having a bad day, be upfront and honest about your feelings," Bennett says. By saying it out loud, and finding a time to talk about it, you can address these feelings instead of allowing them to fester.
These habits, while very simple, can help you both keep toxicity out of your relationship. They allow you to check in with each other, listen, and make the relationship a priority, which are all things that make it difficult for toxicity to form.
13 clear signs you're a toxic girlfriend (+ how to stop)
Are you always keeping tabs on your boyfriend’s whereabouts?
Are you annoyed when he spends time with his friends instead of with you?
Look:
There’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner all to yourself; that’s part of being in a committed relationship.
But it’s important to be careful how tightly you hold onto him.
After all:
You might not realize it, but being too needy and controlling of your boyfriend can quickly turn your relationship into a toxic one.
The kicker?
Without someone bringing it up to you, being a toxic girlfriend is hard to notice.
What you think is a loving gesture and for the well-being of your partner might actually already be toxic and destructive behavior.
This is why reflecting on your behavior can help keep it healthy and happy for both of you.
So here are 23 ways to tell if you’re actually being a more toxic girlfriend than you thought.
After that, we’ll talk about what you can do about it.
1. You Tend To Snoop Through Their Things
When you visit his room, do you get curious about his belongings?
Do you start touching items that you know you shouldn’t be touching?
Now, being the girlfriend sure does have its privileges such as moving things around and making organizational suggestions.
And there’s nothing wrong with asking your partner about the things inside their room – who’s in that picture frame, where did they get the medals from, which band posters are those.
Asking about these out of curiosity and getting to know your partner more is fair, but when you’re trying to find something?
As if he’s hiding something from you?
That might be a mark of mistrust.
Another example:
When your partner leaves their phone, do you feel the urge to check it to read the notifications?
That’s a breach of his privacy and a sign that you don’t trust him, a common trait of toxic girlfriends.
2. You Can’t Stand Being Wrong
You believe in the idea that you must always be right.
While that may have kept your relationship going for a little while, it can lead to dangerous consequences.
Why?
Because it could lead you to avoid taking responsibility for your mistakes.
Maybe at one point you were in charge of navigation on the road but you led the both of you on the wrong path.
You might’ve clearly been wrong there, but if you say that he’s just a bad driver, that’s being toxic.
The bottom line is this:
Taking responsibility, saying that you were wrong, and apologizing for your actions are things that everyone must learn to do to be truly mature and stop being toxic.
If you aren’t able to do this just yet, that might mean you still need time to grow.
3. You’re Always Worried About Your Relationship
When you’re walking together in public and you catch your partner taking a quick look at another woman, you immediately worry.
Then you might act cold towards him, giving him the silent treatment.
You might not have wanted to admit it but you felt jealous about the way he looked at another woman.
The worst bit?
Even though it clearly meant nothing, you catastraphize and immediately worry and fear for the relationship.
This is a telltale sign that you have issues trusting your partner and the relationship.
It’s a toxic trait that is likely to cause relationship troubles down the line.
4. Breaking Up Is Your Go-To Threat
Be honest:
Do you ever threaten to break up with him whenever you’re having a heated argument?
Every argument that you have, you always seem to issue the same ultimatum: either he does what you want or you split.
You use this threat often and it works – sometimes.
Other times, your partner might’ve actually decided to go through with the break up because they’re fed up with your behavior.
This is one of the clearest signs that tell you that you might be a little toxic and even manipulative to your partner.
5. You Avoid Conflicts
Not all arguments in a relationship are bad.
Often, it’s during these arguments where partners can figure out a better arrangement for their relationship and even come out of it better than before.
But not for you. You’re conflict averse.
You’re scared that if you start getting mad at each other, you’re definitely going to break up.
So you bottle up your emotions instead.
But the truth is this:
Healthy relationships have an open line of communication.
If you block this important aspect of the relationship, you’re already encouraging toxicity.
6. You Know How To Manipulate Your Partner
You know just the song to play to get him emotional and ready to do your bidding.
You know when you should be crying to get them to do what you want them to do or extract his forgiveness.
You think these are small harmless things but in reality it’s toxic, manipulative behavior.
After all:
It’s a way for you to unfairly get what you want from him.
7. You Often Criticize Your Partner
Maybe your partner made you a special drawing, even if he doesn’t draw well.
Before accepting it, you scoff and critique his skills.
Sure there might be some shoddy elements there, but he made it just for you.
Look:
There’s a fine line between constructive criticism and outright not appreciating what he made for you.
Your criticisms might have actually hurt him inside, but you just try to play it off as a joke.
This is classic toxic behavior.
8. You Always Keep Tabs On The Relationship
You keep track of every “I love you”, every time they opened the door for you, every time you gave them a gift and they gave you a gift.
You use these metrics against him when you have a problem in the relationship.
The big problem?
Counting these moments diminishes their value.
Author William Bruce Cameron once said, “Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.
”
If the only reason you’re keeping track of things in your relationship is to see who’s got the “upper-hand”, you’re in a relationship for the wrong reason.
9. You Can’t Stand Being Apart – Even Just For A Night
Even when they want to spend the night away, drinking with their friends, you can’t stand it.
You demand that they stay with you instead.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with your partner, you might still be too clingy with them.
The bottom line is this:
When you always need them to be there with you, it encourages codependency, which isn’t always very healthy in relationships.
10. You Always Try To Fix Your Partner
First you might suggest what clothes for them to wear.
They take your suggestion because they trust you.
Then you suggest what music they should be listening to instead of their personal favorites because you think your suggestions are better.
While they might disagree, they might still go along with it because they trust you.
This pattern keeps going until it gets to the point where you’re dictating every outfit, reaction, and move of his.
Understand that it’s no one’s responsibility to “fix” another person.
While it might look to you that they’re different or that they’re doing things “wrong”, remember that people have their own preferences.
You don’t set the bar for others. It’s toxic to believe that you do.
11. You Always Get What You Want
If you want to have dinner at a fancy restaurant, you don’t care how little of it your partner can actually afford.
And you both eat the meal that you want because you can’t stand the smell of his favorites.
The only thing that this is promoting is an imbalance in the relationship.
It all take and no give.
The unfortunate truth?
When relationships are imbalanced, that’s when troubles can start arising.
12. You Expect Perfection
You told your partner that you like sunflowers but he accidentally gave you yellow daisies instead.
Or when he takes a sip of hot coffee, he always does an annoying “Ahhh” after it.
To others, these might be minor. But you’re prepared to end your relationship over them.
Talk about being over-the-top!
You demand that your partner always be perfect, or else you feel like you both won’t work out and that you should call it quits before it gets too deep.
The problem with this thinking is that no one is perfect.
If you can’t see that, then that might be one of your more toxic traits.
13. You Can’t Seem To Hold Long-Term Relationships
Have you been having a string of short lived relationships lately?
Have you been asking yourself where all the good guys are and why you can’t seem to find one?
If you keep getting into relationships that don’t last long, the problem might not be with the dating pool; it might be you.
There must be a reason why people keep ending their relationship with you.
If you haven’t taken the time to reflect on yourself and instead just kept hopping from one relationship to the next, it might be time to take a little break first.
Try to understand why those relationships didn’t work out before.
Did they all have similar distant attitudes before calling it off? Did they all say they were fed up with you?
If you keep treating your partners in a toxic way, don’t be surprised to see them constantly leave you.
Admitting you’re the toxic one in the relationship isn’t easy.
It’s going to take setting aside your ego to see the truth.
But as with all problems, admitting is the first step.
You can learn to be more forgiving with your partners.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers).
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4 exercises to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one
98,197
Man and woman Relationship crisis
There are two ways to end a toxic relationship. The first is to break up with your partner and build a future life with someone else. The second is to view relationship problems as an opportunity for your own spiritual growth.
Despite the fact that in such a relationship you are on opposite sides of the barricades, the couple can still have a future. And a good future. But this will only work if you acknowledge the problem and both are willing to learn understanding and respect, to accept each other for who they are. If not, very quickly you will move from the “holding hands” phase to the “pointing at each other with a finger” phase.
If you feel suffocated by your partner's "closeness" or suffer from being deliberately ignored, the best thing to do is to talk about it calmly and frankly. By exploring together the moments that cause one of you pain or discomfort, you can not only get to know each other better, but also better understand what everyone really needs and whether you can give it.
Exercise #1: Talk
This is not banal advice. If one or both of you feel bad in a relationship, discuss the experience with your partner first.
Important: there cannot be right or wrong answers here, everyone perceives the situation in their own way and has the right to do so.
The essence of the exercise is not to come to a consensus, but so that you can hear and understand each other. If you have different points of view, this is normal, they both have a right to exist.
As long as we believe that the truth is only on our side, we will not be able to hear and understand the feelings of another. But by assuming the idea that the partner can also be right, we will discover a new path for ourselves that will lead to a joint search for a solution. Every conflict has two sides. As soon as we accept this idea and stop considering our judgments as the ultimate truth, it becomes easier for us to understand our partner.
How to do the exercise. Recall your last fight and rate your feelings on a scale from 1 ("that's how I felt") to 5 ("I didn't feel anything like it"):
- I was defensive.
- I was sad.
- I felt misunderstood.
- I was in pain.
- I felt that I was being criticized.
- I felt rejected.
- I wanted to leave.
- I felt that my opinion didn't matter.
- I was worried.
- I was lonely.
Think about what caused these feelings. Rate the reasons that could have caused them, on a scale from 1 ("that's what I felt") to 5 ("I did not experience anything like that"):
- I felt that I was not important to my partner.
- I felt cold towards my partner.
- I felt rejected.
- I felt that too much was being asked of me.
- I felt that my partner would not let me near him.
- I did not feel closeness between us.
- I didn't feel attached.
- I felt that my self-esteem was hurt.
- I couldn't get my partner's attention.
- I felt that the partner was trying to dominate.
Exercise #2: Look into the past
If you can understand your emotional reactions, it's time to go back in time. Unhealed wounds from past relationships or relationships with parents can affect how we communicate with a loved one, react to his words and actions.
Try to find a connection between present reactions and past events.
Important: If you have ever experienced sexual abuse, harassment or other serious psychological trauma and your partner does not know about it, now is the time to tell him everything. When we share our pain with a loved one, it helps him to understand us and our reactions much better and allows you to build communication more accurately and consciously.
How to do the exercise. Rate which of these statements best describes how you feel. When your partner hurt you, did it remind you:
- About previous relationships that ended badly.
- About past emotional and psychological traumas.
- How your parents treated you.
- About the deepest fears.
- About unfulfilled dreams.
- About events that you have not been able to come to terms with yet.
- How other people treated you.
- About all the bad things that you yourself think about yourself.
- About nightmares that keep you awake.
Study each other's answers, take your time, ask open-ended questions so that the answer allows you to better understand your loved one. This is not a competition about who is worse or who is more right, but a way to understand the deepest fears and injuries of a partner, to give and receive support. If he tells you something shocking, ask him to tell you more about the feelings and experiences associated with this event. One answer will do better than years of trying to figure out why he behaves the way he does.
Exercise #3: Write down your points of view
Briefly state your position and the position of your partner regarding the quarrel on paper. Once you do this, you will see that everyone has their own vision of the situation. We are all complex people, and emotional reactions are determined by past experiences, expectations, and desires.
Exercise No. 4: Define your role
When something goes wrong in a relationship, we start looking for the reason in the partner and blame him for everything.
Actually no one is to blame. To get out of the circle of mutual accusations, both must take responsibility for what is happening and recognize that they are playing a role. To figure out which one, use the list of reasons that could cause you to have an increased need for intimacy or, conversely, an increased need for independence.
Important: do not start the exercise if you are angry and upset. When emotions run high, it is difficult to adequately assess what is happening and we are more likely to blame the partner. Try to focus on all the good things in the relationship.
Step 1: Determine what you are willing to take responsibility for. Rate the statements on a scale from 1 (“That's exactly what I felt”) to 5 (“I didn't experience anything like it”):
- Extremely sensitive lately.
- Lately I have shown little attention to my partner.
- Stress keeps me irritated.
- I often criticize my partner.
- I stopped telling my partner about what is going on in my life.
- I feel depressed.
- I have a grudge against something.
- I stopped showing love and tenderness to my partner.
- I began to listen inattentively to my partner.
Step 2: Write down the conclusion for yourself: “Now I see that the problems in the relationship have arisen/aggravated, among other things, because I…”
Step 3: Write down how you can influence the situation to change for the better: “If this happens again, I can behave differently. For example, I will…”
Step 4: Offer your partner a way to help him avoid such problems in the future: “To prevent this from happening again, you can…”
The sincerely you both do the exercise, the more you “turn around” to each other. You will begin to use the conflict to get closer, not to move away. Your emotional connection will become stronger, and as a result, the relationship will become so strong and conscious that together you can overcome any problem.
This does not mean that you will never fight. Quarrels will not define your relationship and spoil it. You will learn how to use them for the benefit of the union.
These exercises will help you learn a lot about your partner and yourself. This will require some courage, because such a degree of openness makes vulnerable. When partners seek security through blame and withdrawal, they think love is gone, but it isn't—they let it go.
About the author: Kyle Benson, relationship coach.
Text: Polina Franke Photo Source: Getty Images
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Toxic relationships: women's habits that poison men's lives.
Part I It is generally accepted that toxic relationships are those in which the partner ignores your wants and needs and breaks you down. But in fact, this is just one of the options for an unhealthy relationship. Much more often, toxic behavior is not even considered as such, and we live for years without noticing what it is that destroys our love. Moreover, by not being able to recognize our own "toxicity", we bring it into new relationships and fail again. Below is about what patterns of female behavior inevitably lead to the collapse of love (even if you still cling to each other out of habit).
Habit: Silent or guessing game
What it is: Any relationship, even the best, becomes toxic and quickly comes to a standstill when people do not know how to talk about their emotions and feelings. Classical situation: "What happened?" - "Nothing!". A woman waits for a man to guess what she wants him to do or say at the moment. And, as a rule, she does not wait.
Instead of being open in a relationship with our man, for example, when he did not call for two days, for some reason we continue to pretend that everything is in order, and not to say that “I was worried”, “I was uncomfortable” or "I don't understand why you've been gone for so long."
Why this is bad: Such behavior misleads the partner. But, unfortunately, this is what most women do - with completely different statuses, age, experience and upbringing. Silence adds up a completely different picture in a man’s head: he didn’t call for two days, nothing has changed, which means everything is fine. That is why relationships become toxic - a woman hints or is silent, a man interprets this hint poorly or does not react at all. In 90% of cases out of 100, this is not male laziness, not dislike, and in no case pride. Men just don't get hints. As a result, the woman feels unappreciated and accumulates resentment, and the man gets tired of being trained, and as a result, they gradually begin to move away from each other.
How to do it: Declare your emotions. Without hints and without playing the “guessing game”, express your feelings and be as specific as possible, because this is the main guideline for a partner on how to behave in the future. Any, even the most beautiful woman, needs compliments and it is important for her to feel her value for her partner. But few of us are able to speak openly about it. It seems to us that by telling our man a phrase like “I’m very glad that you called, I’ve been waiting for this all day” or “I’m very upset that you haven’t called for so long”, we thereby lose our exclusivity in his eyes. Vice versa! This is how we express ourselves by declaring our emotions. Because everyone's feelings and reactions are different. Hiding them, we become “smooth” - that is, like everyone else. Therefore, I recommend trying to get this tradition to appear in pairs as early as possible. Otherwise, with the development of relations, misunderstanding will only intensify: if today you don’t need compliments, surprises, attention and at least three sms a day, then why did you suddenly need them a year later? That is, it will be very difficult to change the picture that has already developed for a man.
When something went wrong, it is worth talking about it immediately and in very clear language, since generalizations - "you are not attentive" or "you do not respect me", "you stopped loving me" - like hints, men either do not perceived, or they are simply offended. It’s better to say: “I miss this”, “give me flowers, please”, “let’s go somewhere today or tomorrow, when you have time, I earned something, and we haven’t been together for so long.” Any normal man will react to this very correctly. Therefore, it is imperative to make it clear what does not suit you, but, of course, I advise you to start with what you like - it always motivates and gives a lot of internal resources and a charge to relationships, making them even warmer and closer.
Habit: Playing the giveaway
What it is: should not think about the situation, which we often regret later. Even worse is to give in and constantly adjust, trying to smooth out conflicts and thereby taking the position of catching up in the relationship.
Why this is bad: Throwing ultimatums at a partner, such as “I will leave the relationship” or “I will not give you money”, a person really does not want what he demands - he needs to realize his inner dissatisfaction. Therefore, when a woman refuses to communicate with friends or something else in favor of the whims of a man, but not the common goal - to build a family, for example - this is the first step towards addiction. The victim tyrant is the most toxic relationship imaginable.
How to do it: A healthy relationship is when both partners, hand in hand, go towards one common goal, respecting each other's personal space. Therefore, whatever the situation, take a break - at least two or three days to think. A little later, when the emotions subside, return to this question again. But at the moment of a conflict situation, the correct reaction would be - "let you think and I will think." And, as a rule, there are options. When a man and a woman seek a compromise - not to prove which of them is right or smarter, but to find a solution to a problem - they have already won.
But if this is such an unambiguous “no,” then it means that the story here is that someone just wants to stomp their feet, and in no case should you go on about it. Threats should not be responded to at all. Firstly, you need to take time so as not to aggravate the situation, and secondly, such a formulation of the question will not work in principle. Both by men and women. Because if he or she now bends and adjusts, the problem will not be solved, and after a while someone will get tired of standing in such a position, and the conflict will definitely return, already in a different form and in other claims. Therefore, it is important to constantly work to maintain “health” in relationships, in no case let everything take its course.
Habit: Catching up
What it is: In part, this error is a continuation of the previous topic. We girls, due to some genetic features, tend to succumb to momentary emotions. And since we usually have thousands of parallel thoughts swarming in our heads, it is difficult for us to understand ourselves - and this is why we are often inconsistent in our words and actions.
"Would you like a ride?" “No, you don't have to. Well, okay - take it!". Saying “no” and then running and saying “yes-yes-yes” is a losing position.
Why it's bad: By behaving in this way, we deprive a man of the opportunity to be responsible for his actions. He didn’t call, he didn’t keep his promise, he didn’t give a damn, but he still has breakfast in the morning and sex in the evening, the house is clean - and she is still with him. You can’t do this - to be the one who catches up, because in such a model of relations a woman devalues herself. And this one global mistake is enough to ruin any relationship and life.
How to do it: Do not give comfort without receiving it. Still, partners should mutually strive for comfort and understand the value of each other. The difference between the perceptions of male and female is that we put together a picture of details that are much more important to us, and a man basically sees only the big picture.
And if the familiar picture remains the same for him, then there is no need to change anything, either in his behavior or in relationships.
In general, the correct strategy is always yes. "Like?" - "Yes!", "Let's go" - "Yes!", "To mom?" - "Yes!". But the realization of this “yes” should depend on the actions of the partner. That is, if my man, for example, says that on Wednesday we are going to my mother, we agreed, but until Wednesday he absolutely ignores me and behaves disgustingly, then I have every reason to change my decision to “no” and say: “You know, I sincerely wanted to go to your mother, but for three days you shook my nerves so much, unfortunately, you don’t hear me at all. Come on, you will go to your mother, and I will rest at home so that tomorrow I can meet in a different mood, discuss everything and finally spend a calm day. Agree, there is a difference, and such a statement of the question speaks of a woman and a person.
Habit: Shifting Responsibility
What it is: Had a bad day, had an argument with a close friend, was not doing well in business, or something else happened.
What do we often do? We begin to bring all this into relationships and project our emotions onto a man.
Why it's bad: Sharing your anxieties and worries with a loved one is actually not bad. The mistake is to transfer responsibility for what happens to us to the partner. You can’t blame another for your problems - “So you told me then ...”, “But then you didn’t do anything, didn’t support me.” The only result will be that in your despair you will get a new conflict and even more aggression and pain.
How to do it: You just need to ask for help and in the form in which you are waiting for it at the moment. For example: “I have very big problems at work, I don’t know what exactly will happen there: the company will fall apart, they will be fired or they will lose their bonuses. Do not say anything. Let's watch some snotty movie with you - just to distract me, I really need it now in my condition. Or, on the contrary: “You could not give me advice, but from a purely position, how would you do it .
..”. That is, you need to clearly limit the territory - what do you expect from a partner in this situation. Asking for help is normal, and as a rule, most partners turn on and show their best side. Pretending that you are strong and will deal with everything yourself is just a sign of an unhealthy personality. Therefore, my most important recommendation is to be in harmony with yourself and the world, and then such “transfers” will be minimal. Toxic relationships start when we stop growing because I got married or because I had a baby, etc. And when we cease to be responsible for our life as a whole, then black holes appear in relationships. Yes, indeed, rain can spoil the mood or something else. But if we, in principle, begin to admit the situation that globally our happiness does not depend on ourselves - we are waiting for someone to take it and make us happy - then we have a lot of claims to ourselves, and to a partner and to the world, and even the most sensitive and attentive man cannot help to get out of this state.
