How to know if you are with the right guy

How to Tell If Someone You Are Dating Is Right for You

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If you already have a partner, congratulations, you've beaten the system.

For the rest of us, modern dating is a minefield. There are so many rules and games to play it's easy to lose track. You might be "left on read" by someone you really liked, and your mind may spin out of control when you're over-analysing what their last few messages really meant.

The woes don't necessarily stop when you find someone. With Tinder right at your fingertips, it's tempting to go back and see if there is someone out there who is just a bit more perfect. With so much available choice, how are you supposed to know if someone is right for you? When should you stop over-thinking and finally commit?

Business Insider asked nine relationship experts for the signs to look out for when you're trying to figure out if someone is right for you.

Here's what they said:

1. They pass the 'bar test'

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"As simple as this may seem, I call it the 'bar test' to know if you're with the right person. When you're at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new partner, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or, are you perfectly content with your partner, and you want everyone there to notice you with him/her? If the latter is true, then he/she passes the test. But if it's the former, it might be time to decide whether being in a relationship with this person is your best option."

— Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge

2. They don't hold you back

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"A person who can authentically be excited about your success and goals in life is someone who won't feel the need to hold you back. Most unhealthy relationships include some form of sabotaging of one partner. Dating someone who is happy with their life means they can be happy for you and alongside of you."

— Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse"

3. They don't want to change you

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"When you listen to your heart, you'll feel whether or not the person you're dating is right for you. This is known as 'intuition' — your heart's message to you. Almost everyone can think back and recall a time when they didn't listen to it. When you feel good, feel that your partner is patient and true, treats you the same in public as he/she does at home, then you're on the right path. Keep in mind that your intuition may send out warnings as well. It may come as a gut reaction. For example, if your partner wants to change you in any way. He/she is not accepting you for who you are. If that happens, run. That is a sign of a controlling person and he/she will never treat you properly."

— Tracy Malone, founder of Narcissist Abuse Support.

4. They fit into your life

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"A good sign that someone is right for you is if you can imagine that person fitting in to other parts of your life and not just living in a microcosm of the relationship. Ask yourself: Do they get along with the other people in my life? Do I get along with their friends and family? Do we have mutual interests and things that we enjoy doing together that can be a source of sustainability in a relationship? If the answer is yes, then you may be on the right track."

— Holly Daniels, a doctor who specialises anxiety, co-dependency, and relationship addiction at Sober College

5. They listen to you

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"One of the signs that your date is likely to make a good mate is that the he or she shows genuine interest in your life and listens attentively when you are speaking. They also remember things that you have told them about yourself.

"Conversely, if the person that you are dating nearly always monopolises the conversation, does not ask you about yourself or your day, and then tunes you out when you start speaking, these are clear signals that your date is not really very interested in you as a person except as an audience for them. If they are not interested now at the beginning of the relationship, they are likely to be even less interested later on."

— Elinor Greenberg, psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety"

6. They're happy when you're happy

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"It certainly helps if you're dating someone that you want to make happy and who wants to make you happy in return. Couples who each truly place the needs and wants of their partners on par with or above their own seem handle a lifetime of compromising, juggling priorities, and collaborating better than couples who individually pursue their own best interests."

— Laura VanderDrift, associate professor of psychology at Syracuse University's College of Arts and Sciences and director of the Close Relationships Lab at Syracuse University

7. They comfort you when you're sad

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"One of the major signs that tells you if the person you're dating is right for you is how they treat you when you're sad, crying, having a bad day, or just emotional. Are they compassionate? Are they attentive? Do they stop what they're doing to give you their attention? Are they distracted when you're expressing your feelings and most of all, do they know when to just give you a hug? It may seem simple but this is a very important trait to know what kind of human being the person is. If they criticise you for being sad or tell you that how you feel is silly that you're over-reacting, that may be something to pay attention to. They could show signs of narcissism. Although later, you may think you were over-reacting, it may be just as important to know you were being listened to in the onset."

— Catenya McHenry, journalist and author of "Married to a Narcissist"

8. They have boundaries

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"Something that is important is whether this person has boundaries. Boundaries are important because it means someone isn't a pushover, and they can communicate when they are unhappy. When we are unhappy and we don't say anything, our resentment builds up and boils over. Some women prefer the man to take charge. Some women want the man to be more passive. So you've got to think about your values. In healthy relationships, growth is very important, generally in the same direction, so you need to be able to have arguments, and conflicts and points of disagreements without killing each other. Rather it's an opportunity to say, hey, this is how your brain works, this is how I feel, and can we actually learn from each other in this point in time, and grow in the same general direction, with our own wisdom and our own failures."

— Perpetua Neo, psychologist, expert in toxic relationships, and creator of the Detox Your Heart program

9. The balance is in their favour

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"One of the first ports of call of an effective narcissist or an effective manipulator is to dissociate you from your own capacity to listen to yourself and your own intuition. Once he's marginalised your intuition, you then margianalise your common sense and your friends and other things. So I think it starts at a very subtle level, to listen to that sense that maybe something is wrong here, and just keeping yourself aware of that voice.

"Maybe it sounds a bit cruel, but in the fog of love, we abandon that voice quite quickly, because the other person is quickly perfect. So it can seem cruel to ask yourself, if anything were wrong here, what would I select first about what might be wrong? But when you give yourself permission to ask that question, then the intuition and the hunches can come back. And you may decide that you've considered them, there are ten things you don't like that much, but there are a thousand things you love. Then great, get on with loving them. But ask yourself that question, and give yourself permission to consider those other things. It can salvage your intuition, and that part of you for good reason, although that may not be comfortable. "

— Jonathan Marshall, psychotherapist and executive coach

35 Signs You’re With The Right Person

The very question "Am I with the right person?" implies that, on some level, you're having second thoughts. It'd be so nice to have a definitive answer and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that your partner is "the one." Unfortunately, there’s not a giant green flag waving above your partner’s head when you first meet them, encouraging you to pursue the relationship. But since life and relationships are never that straightforward, doubts and worries are bound to arise. It’s normal for couples in long-term relationships to experience reservations at some point.

And yet, as Annie Wright, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, tells Bustle, it doesn't necessarily mean you're destined for a breakup. "Contrary to what [movies] and most pop songs teach us," she says, "love and being with the 'right' partner doesn't always look like fireworks or being completely certain about the other."

It's likely you'll experience moments of ambivalence, boredom, and even doubt. This is especially true if you have a history of toxic relationships, Sasha Jackson, MSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist, tells Bustle. "It’s important to explore if you're allowing past negative experiences to overshadow your current relationship," she says. "If this is the case, take time to talk to your partner about insecurities and seek therapy to help you overcome your past. This way you can have a healthy and happy relationship."

Reassessing the positives and negatives (even if there aren’t that many) of your relationship is very important, as it could help you figure out if you’re right for each other in the long run. Do you still connect as well as you did in the beginning on issues, opinions, and lifestyles? Do you see yourself still with them in the next five years as you pursue professional and personal growth?

Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, PHD, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor, believes it’s helpful to reevaluate what’s important to you as well as what makes the relationship feel special. “If you find someone that still meets your personal relationship expectations even after being together for a while, then that may be the right person. Being in a relationship where you are able to find a compromise to each partner’s expectations is important for building a strong foundation,” Gulotta tells Bustle.

So, wondering how to know if you're with the right person? Here are 35 signs you are, even if you've been questioning your relationship.

1 It's Easy To Be Around Them

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One of the most important feelings to look for, when assessing if a partner is right for you, is comfort. "If you have a sense of ease in being with this person — you're not often on edge, hyper-vigilant, waiting for a fight, or feeling neglected — that is a good sign," Virginia Williamson, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle.

It doesn't mean you won't have occasional arguments or moments of tension. It just means the overall vibe feels relaxed and natural.

2 You Can Be Yourself In The Relationship

Branching off of that, you know it's OK to be yourself. You feel free to say what's on your mind, to bring up tough topics, to let your hair down — because you know they won't pass judgment or love you any less. “Bending to impress a person or your partner is never a brilliant idea. Showing your true colors from the beginning is a fundamental aspect of a happy and healthy relationship,” Barbara Santini, MSCI, psychologist and sex and relationship adviser, tells Bustle.

This also means they approach with love and understanding even when you aren't at your best, like when you're sick, in a bad mood, or closed off because you're going through a tough time.

3 You Still Get Excited

Even if you've been together for a long time, you'll still have moments of excitement — like when you greet each other after being apart all day. It's all a sign you're in the right place and with the right person. As Williamson says, "Not every day has to or will be filled with passion, but there should still be some excitement about spending time together. "

4 Your Personalities Are Complementary

They say opposites attract, but sometimes a really great match can be found in someone who complements you. So take a moment to assess. Are they outgoing, while you're reserved? Are they thoughtful, while you're quick to find solutions to problems? You're likely with the right person if "your differences bring balance to each other's lives," relationship expert Amber Artis tells Bustle.

5 You Share The Same Values

Do you share similar worldviews and have similar thoughts, morals, values, and beliefs? If so, you're on the right track, Saudia L. Twine, Ph.D., LPC, LLMFT, a marriage therapist and relationship coach, tells Bustle. While sharing hobbies and interests is great, these things are so much more important because they mean you're heading in the same direction in life.

6 You Stay On The Same "Team" When Arguing

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Relationships tend to fall apart when partners view each other as enemies during fights, instead of looking for ways to stay on the same team even when they’re both super mad. If you and your partner are a good match, Twine says, you'll notice that you work through conflict, voice your concerns, listen, and reach a resolution.

You argue, but it never gets vicious. And more importantly, you always come out on the other side with new boundaries and a better understanding of one another.

7 You Know They're Loyal

Think about how it feels when you call and your partner doesn't answer. Or send a text and they don't write back. Or they get home late from work. Do you assume the worst? Or know that everything's A-OK? Santini says trust is the pillar of healthy relationships. “If you can easily trust each other in anything you do, this shows you are comfortable with each other,” Santini says.

While past relationship history can play into how easy it is to trust a partner, you're likely with the right person if a) you can talk about these insecurities and b) they're open and honest and willing to do whatever it takes to develop trust in your relationship.

8 You Actually Hear Each Other

What this essentially means is that, when you voice your concerns, your partner actually listens, Twine says, and as a result you feel heard and understood.

Listening to each other also prevents small problems from becoming bigger ones, which is important if you want to stick together.

9 You Can't Pinpoint What's Wrong

"Thoughts strongly influence how we interpret behaviors of others and our expectations," Dr. Danielle Forshee, a clinical psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle. So, take a second to evaluate this idea that something's "wrong" in your relationship.

For instance, you may think, "My partner doesn't put a ton of effort into romance anymore. Our relationship isn't good and they don't love me." But when you look at reality, it's easy to point out all the ways they're caring and sweet. That's why, as Forshee says, it's important to check in with yourself. Your thoughts may not be consistent with what's actually going on and may be what's causing unnecessary feelings of doubt.

10 You Feel The Chemistry

Even if you're having a moment of doubt, consider whether you still feel chemistry — aka, that easy, breezy, flirty, fun positivity — more often than not.

"This chemistry is an intangible quality that is often hard to measure," Nicholas Hardy, LCSW, a psychotherapist, tells Bustle. "But you know it when it is there, as well as when it is not there." It's OK if you're going through a rough patch. All couples do, at times. But if that chemistry is there, it's yet another sign you're a good match.

11 Your Doubts Come And Go

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Consider whether these doubts are fleeting or if they stick around. As Hardy says, "Too much questioning could allude to deeper problems in the relationship." You'll want to trust your gut and take a closer look to figure out why you feel the way you do.

But if the doubt only pops up once in a blue moon and doesn't feel very strong, chances are you're doing OK.

12 You Are Respected

Keep an eye out on the daily — as well as in moments when disrespect might be on full display, like during an argument — and ask yourself, "Do I feel safe? Do I feel respected?"

"This is a big one," Salina Schmidgall, M.Ed., PLPC, NCC, a mental health therapist, tells Bustle. "If you don't feel either of these, you aren't with the right person." Disrespect might look like yelling, crossing boundaries, name-calling, lying — the list goes on and on. You won't have to deal with any of these things in a secure, healthy relationship.

13 Your Partner Is The First Person You Call

If you get a promotion, adopt a puppy, or just generally have a great day, who's the first person you call? If it's your partner, Schmidgall says, that's a good sign. The same is true with the bad stuff. If your partner is one of the first people you call, it not only shows you value them but that they're a source of comfort.

14 You Feel Like The Best Version Of Yourself

Do you like who you are around your partner? And do they encourage you to be better? If they're happy with who you are right now but also boost you up and help you reach your goals, you've struck gold, Cathy Sullivan-Windt, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, tells Bustle.

The same is true in reverse. You love who they are right now but also want to see them succeed, whether it's with a personal goal, a work goal, or otherwise. You both support each other in being "better" — and growing into who you want to be as individuals.

15 Your Friends Are All About It

While you'll always want to trust your own assessment of the relationship — since you and your partner are the only ones in it — getting an outside perspective can come in handy, especially if you're having second thoughts.

If well-intentioned individuals — like close friends and family — are supportive and happy for you, Hardy says, you're likely with the right person.

16 You Like Their Friends

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"There is some truth to the statement that the people one chooses to surround themselves with says a lot about a person," Sullivan-Windt says. So, take a look at the people your partner associates with, and consider what it reveals.

"This doesn’t mean you have to share hobbies with your significant other's friends," she says, "but it is important that they are people you respect at a minimum — and ideally people you’d like to spend time with, too." If their friends welcome you into their group with open arms, and vice versa, you've got a truly excellent situation on your hands.

17 You're Both Comfortable Spending Time Apart

"Taking time away from your partner and having aspects of your own life that you participate in solo is great for a healthy relationship," Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC, a mental health therapist, tells Bustle. "Having hobbies and social gatherings without our partner lets us gain self-worth outside of our relationship, which is healthy for everyone involved. "

Not to mention, if you're both cool with spending time apart — and can do so without it feeling like a big deal — it shows you have a good level of trust and respect for each other.

18 Everything Seems Fair And Balanced

Making decisions, doing chores, paying bills. It all carries a mental load, Griffin says, which is why you're likely with the right person if they understand that — and do their part.

You don't want it to feel like you're the only one doing the heavy lifting, she says, since that can lead to resentment. Instead, it should feel like you both show up 100% and take on these responsibilities together.

19 You're Willing To Work On The Relationship

"There’s a natural ebb and flow to relationships," dating expert Samantha Daniels tells Bustle. So, even if you're definitely going through a tough time, consider your reaction to it all. If you still feel willing to acknowledge problems and work toward concrete solutions, it's a sign you still see the relationship as "worth it. " You want to make things work because there's value.

If you're still unsure, however, "talk to your partner about your concerns and fears," Daniels says. They need to know how you feel so they can join you in making positive changes.

20 Your Partner Actively Listens To You, And Vice Versa

If you and your partner can have an authentic conversation, feeding off each other’s energy, and you notice that they’re really paying attention to every word coming out of your mouth, you’re with the right person. This may seem inevitable, but more often than not, it’s easy for a partner to just nod their head or change the subject instead of genuinely listening and acknowledging your words.

Pippa Murphy, a sex and relationship expert, says to watch your partner when you talk: “Do they let you take the lead and not turn every conversation back onto them? Do they remember things you have told them in the past?” This shows that your partner actually cares about your opinions and is invested in engaging in healthy conversation with you.

21 They Are Authentically Happy About Your Personal Growth

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In a long-term relationship, you might experience professional, emotional, physical changes that wouldn’t just affect you, but your partner as well. “Perhaps you gain a promotion, move to a completely new job, or tick off a big life goal of yours. If your partner is authentically happy and excited about your successes, then that’s a positive sign that you’re with the right partner,” Murphy tells Bustle.

You can use your partner’s reaction to this personal growth as a way to decipher if you’re truly compatible. “Alternatively, if you feel that your partner is holding you back or not supporting you, then that’s a sign you could be in an unhealthy relationship,” Murphy says.

22 You Aren’t Just In Love, But In Like As Well

Sometimes understanding whether you’re with the right person comes down not to how you both express love, but how you express “like. ” If you genuinely consider your partner one of your closest friends, or maybe even your best friend, it’s more likely that you’re with the right person. “Liking our partner is highly undervalued, yet it’s far easier to sustain love when you truly like each other as individuals and enjoy each other’s company,” Holly Battey, PsyD, matchmaker and dating coach, tells Bustle.

23 They Acknowledge And Repect Your Past Trauma

One of the most important deciding factors when it comes to your relationship’s future is whether or not they understand your past traumas or negative experiences. Some of those memories might still affect you to this day, and if your partner doesn’t respect that, it might mean they don’t truly know you.

If you’ve properly communicated these traumas to your partner and they respond with a disregarding attitude, they’re not your person. “They should be aware of your pain and show that they are capable of being the person that is able to sit in the pain with you, not try to fix you,” Matthew Brace, LMFT, tells Bustle.

24 Their Words And Actions Correspond

The saying “actions speak louder than words” proves to be true here. If your partner keeps saying they’ll take you out to dinner, or they’ll fold the clothes in the dryer, or they’ll make dinner, but you have noticed they’re not following through with these claims, it could be a red flag. “If your partner is willing to make and keep commitments with you, that’s a green light,” Chloe Ballatore, relationship and communication expert, tells Bustle.

25 You’re Learning From Each Other

Ballatore says being in a relationship that actively teaches you new things can be incredibly stimulating, and it may even be a deal breaker if it’s not happening. If you’re learning new opinions, new approaches, and new outlooks on life, you could notice that you’re growing into a more well-rounded version of yourself.

26 You Know You Can Ask For Space And Receive It

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Spending time apart partaking in different activities is incredibly important, but sometimes you just need some time alone with yourself and your individual thoughts. Gulotta tells Bustle that your partner should acknowledge your own personal need for self-care and be willing to give you the alone time you need.

“When you are with the right person, they will respect your time. Your partner should acknowledge that personal self-care time is important in order to be a better version of yourself,” Gulotta says. Whether you need to take an hour-long bath or go on a walk by yourself, your partner should respect that and give you appropriate space.

27 You Both Respect Each Other’s Love Languages

Every person has a different relationship with the five love languages; words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, acts of service, and physical touch. Each person will receive and give out love in unique ways. Sarah Kaufman, LMSW, psychotherapist, tells Bustle that understanding your partner’s and your own love languages can be incredibly powerful in a romantic relationship.

“If you’ve expressed your needs for more quality time or more words of affirmation [or] communication, and your partner has put in effort to make adjustments, that goes a long way,” Kaufman says. Through your partner’s acknowledgement of your love languages, you’ll also feel like you want to accommodate theirs. “For example, [you might become] more comfortable with PDA because your partner is big on physical touch, while your partner knows you need a certain amount of communication [and] has actively increased their understanding of you,” Kaufman says.

28 Your Partner Doesn’t Try To Change You

If you feel you have remained authentic and true to who you are as an individual throughout your entire relationship, this is definitely a green flag. “The right person accepts you for who you are, with all of your flaws and weaknesses. Your partner does help you realize where you're wrong, but they don’t ask you to change your habits to appease them or their lifestyle,” Dr. Lea McMahon LPC, EdD, licensed counselor, tells Bustle.

29 They Create Intimacy In The Least Intimate Moments

Feeling romantically connected to your partner can happen in other moments besides sex. Wendy Sterling, CPCC, ACC, CDS, divorce recovery specialist, tells Bustle that intimacy can be created through conversation, intellect, and emotional connection. “Intimacy is about a true mind, body, and soul connection that permeates throughout your body like an electrical charge, even while just making dinner or talking on the phone on your way home from work,” Sterling says. Emotional intimacy is a very real thing.

30 You’re Both Committed To The Relationship

Relationship expert Sandra Myers notes that relationship dynamics change over time. “The period of initial animalistic chemistry will fade and your relationship will evolve over time,” Myers tells Bustle. Myers says if your partner is still as committed to your partnership as they were in the very beginning, you’re with the right one. “You both truly want to make it work,” she says.

31 You Could Live With This Person Exactly As They Are Today

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If you’re telling yourself, “one day they’ll change,” your partner is not the person you’re meant to be with. Leah Carey, sex and intimacy coach, acknowledges that it’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing with that with the right influence, the other person’s quirks and flaws will smooth out. “If you can’t imagine being in a relationship with this person a few years down the road exactly the way they are today, it’s probably time to re-evaluate your choices,” Carey tells Bustle. Imagine moving in with your partner tomorrow. Could you do it? If you could, that’s a great sign.

32 You Fight Without Getting Resentful

Carey understands that every couple fights differently. “Depending on the couple, fights may be quite subdued, or they may include raised voices and slammed doors. But name calling, bringing up the past, and intentionally saying or doing hurtful things are in the no-go zone,” Carey says. If you notice it’s hard for you to move past things your partner has said while fighting, this might be a sign that it’s time to move on.

33 You Feel Comfortable Making Decisions Together

The farther along you are in a relationship, the more you might rely on your partner when making tough decisions or choices. Getting your partner’s perspective on things can be really helpful. Katina Tarver, MA, relationship and life coach, understands that as individuals, partners may function differently.

“When it comes to making important decisions about life, your relationship, your professional life, kids, or the future, if you’re both on the same page and feel safe to communicate your thoughts, that’s a cue of a perfect match,” Tarver tells Bustle.

34 Your Partner Treats Others Well

Being treated well by your partner is definitely important, but Sonya Schwartz, dating and relationship expert, says it’s also necessary to watch how your partner treats other people. If they treat people you introduce them to with as much kindness as they give you, then you’re likely with the right person. Watch how they treat their employees, restaurant waiters, and more everyday people, and see if you notice any red flags.

35 You Just "Know"

There might not be a definitive answer when it comes to whether or not your partner is right for you. Read this article, write pro and con lists, and do whatever else will help you gain clarity — but most importantly, check in with yourself.

"When people say, 'when you know you know,' it really is the case," Schmidgall says. "It's really a matter of trusting our own judgment and listening to our gut. Your body tells you a lot about what's going on — listen to it."

Sources:

Annie Wright, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist

Sasha Jackson, MSW, LCSW, licensed therapist

Virginia Williamson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Amber Artis, relationship expert

Saudia L. Twine, Ph.D., LPC, LLMFT, marriage therapist and relationship coach

Samantha Daniels, dating expert

Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, dating and relationship coach

Nicholas Hardy, LCSW, psychotherapist

Salina Schmidgall, M. Ed., PLPC, NCC, mental health therapist

Cathy Sullivan-Windt, Ph.D., licensed psychologist

Dr. Danielle Forshee, clinical psychologist and licensed clinical social worker

Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC, mental health therapist

Pippa Murphy, a sex and relationship expert

Holly Battey, PsyD, matchmaker & dating coach

Matthew Brace, LMFT, marriage and family therapist

Chloe Ballatore, relationship and communication expert

Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, PHD, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor, relationship expert

Sarah Kaufman, LMSW, psychotherapist

Dr. Lea McMahon LPC, EdD, licensed counselor, adjunct professor of Psychology

Wendy Sterling, CPCC, ACC, CDS, divorce recovery specialist and relationship coach

Sandra Myers, relationship expert

Leah Carey, sex and intimacy coach

Katina Tarver, MA, relationship and life coach

Sonya Schwartz, dating and relationship expert

Barbara Santini, MSCI, psychologist, sex and relationship adviser

This article was originally published on June 25, 2018

How to know that you truly love someone

17 March 2021

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Blogger Chris Gage has compiled her list of the right symptoms and things that are just confusing.

False signs

1. You think about this person all the time. This is a blind infatuation. If you are constantly thinking about someone, you cannot focus on other important things. And this is already a problem. True love fits into life, not captures it.

2. You constantly yearn for your partner or cannot live a single day without him. See above.

3. This person means everything to you. The same.

4. You cannot imagine the future without the object of your feelings. If you try, you can imagine anything. For example, that you moved to Switzerland and graze goats there. But this does not mean that you really need such a turn. And in the phrases “When I think about the future, I always imagine how he / she helps me cope with everything, no matter what happens”, “My future without him / her simply does not make sense”, the object of love can easily be replaced with a new job or your favorite dog.

The problem is that we have turned love into a form of escapism. We measure potential partners by how they fit into our fantasies.

Only this has nothing to do with love. So yes, imagine a partner in your future, but not because he "makes life complete."

5. This person is the one you have always dreamed of. See above.

6. You want your partner to always be there. You have clearly never been in a healthy long-term relationship. Yes, you must want to see your lover or beloved. But not always! Sometimes you need to be alone with yourself, work or do other things. Don't think that you don't love someone just because you want to be alone from time to time.

7. You will do anything to impress your lover. It's even scary. And why are you trying so hard? Loving doesn't mean making a good impression.

8. You are afraid of losing this person. There is no fear of loss in healthy love. This is attachment.

9. You are jealous. And this is again attachment, not mature love.

10. This person is beautiful. This is most likely just flattering to your vanity. And, in general, it is very stupid.

11. He is kind. Well, it's great that your emotional needs are met. But it only says that your partner deserves love. It is not a fact that you are experiencing it for him.

12. You just know. This is the most useless answer ever. Do not repeat such stupid things for others, calling them romantic, because you do not have a normal explanation.

Signs to watch out for

1. Your time with your partner is the best time of the day. Depends on how things are with the rest. Well, if you are satisfied with your life and the partner only makes it even better. It’s bad if you don’t like everything, and communication with him is the only outlet for you - . It's time to get on with your life.

2. You put your partner's interests above everything else. Well, if you really care about his desires and needs and you pay attention to them without destroying yourself. It is bad if you sacrifice your needs or evaluate yourself only by the ability to make your partner happy.

Signs that you like him/her as a person

1. The object of your feelings is not like everyone else. He or she is lucky.

2. You like not only his appearance. Congratulations, all is not lost for you.

3. You wish this person happiness. Excellent. It would be nice to wish happiness to most people.

4. With it, you are ready to try something new. Great, you have found someone with whom you are comfortable and pleased.

5. Your partner inspires you to be better. Role models are also inspiring, but you don't like them.

Signs of true love

1. You have decided to love. Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a conscious decision that you make over and over again.

2. You show love. You invest and make efforts. You don't intentionally hurt. You don't retaliate, you don't manipulate, you don't coward. Your partner's needs don't annoy you. You are not trying to take up all of his time. You feel confident without constant beliefs in reciprocity.

You value your partner's point of view. You learn the language in which he expresses love. You make decisions based on their interests and needs. You support. You care and accept care.

3. You show love even when you don't feel like it. It's easy to think that you love when things are going smoothly in a relationship. But much more important is the period when difficulties begin.

You love it when in times of disagreement your goal is to find a compromise, not to pick a winner.
You love if you don't take your partner's words with hostility, don't doubt him. Don't keep score. Don't hold a grudge. Do not deprive your partner of your love as punishment.
You love if you seek to understand first and not to be understood. You listen and appreciate what has been shared with you. And do not dump your own problems right there.
You love it if you act like you and your partner are on the same team. You are listening. You are making concessions. You're sorry. You forgive.
You love even when it hurts. You respect your partner's needs, even if they involve separation.

Ask yourself the question "How to love", not "How to understand that you have fallen in love. " It is worth distinguishing between the concepts of “being in love” and “love”, because the first is just a blind infatuation, in no way connected with a real feeling. Love is action. Is always.

How to understand that we are making the right choice?

Man and woman

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Men and women ask themselves this question at all stages of a relationship, from the first date to the engagement. It can also be heard from the future mother-in-law (or mother-in-law): “Why are you so sure that my son (my daughter) is the one you are looking for?” Or from a friend on their wedding day: “Are you sure you want to spend your whole life with him?”

And what do we answer? As a rule, something like “I just love her” or “She understands me perfectly” . ..

As a marriage counselor, I often come across couples who are happy in their relationship and want to move in together - but they can't explain why at all. Of course, love cannot be described in words and is easily confused with desire, passion or friendship. That is why I am not surprised that this question is so difficult to answer. But all these couples have one thing in common. All men and women who sought to continue relationships were absolutely satisfied with them. This means that both partners received from the relationship exactly what they expected and what they needed. Often this is the basis for the “what I need” feeling that we feel but cannot express. And also one of the signs of a harmonious romantic relationship. So, how can this satisfaction help us realize that we are going to connect our lives with the one we need?

1. Assess if you like everything

This can be difficult. To make things easier, I recommend dividing relationships into several categories: sex, finances, emotional component, communication, and so on. And then evaluate how satisfied you are with each of the categories. If you are satisfied with absolutely all points - my congratulations! You really found the one you were looking for. If, however, not all points satisfy you yet, do not be discouraged. Think, perhaps in time you will find a way to accept the situation or change it.

2. Ask yourself how good your past relationships were

If there was something that made you feel better last time than you do now, discuss it with your partner. It is always worth talking about what you want and what you are waiting for. However, it is quite possible that you yourself do not know exactly what you want. But in this case, it is important to just start a conversation. There is nothing more toxic than comparing past and current relationships.

3. Can you imagine meeting an even better partner?

The same rule applies here: if you feel that something in your relationship is not up to your expectations, talk to your partner about it.

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