How to kiss your brother
My brother and I kiss and cuddle.
Emily YoffePhotograph by Teresa Castracane.
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Dear Prudence,
My brother and I are having a physical relationship. Our parents are admirable people who took good care of us, but are distant and aloof, and I think that my brother and I turned to each other for warmth and emotional support. He’s two years older and looked out for me in high school, and I shared with him what girls are like, which made him more confident socially. After he went away to college, I chose a college in the same city as his, so we continued to see a lot of each other. I’m now a senior and he’s a graduate student. About three months ago we were sitting on my couch watching a sad movie and when it was over we turned to each other, exchanged a look, and started kissing. Now we lie on the bed, clothed, and kiss and talk and hold each other. When I’m with him I feel loved and cared for. We have not had sex because there’s a psychological barrier that neither of us wants to cross. I go on dates with other men, but I never feel the emotional connection that I feel with my brother. I needed to talk to someone about this so I went to a counselor at the student health service and in the first session she practically ordered me not to see him for three months.
I left in tears and haven’t gone back. We want to lead normal lives and have families. We both know intellectually that we shouldn’t be doing this, but we don’t feel the wrongness of it. Must we stop this immediately, or may we let it continue and hope we grow out of it?
—No Sibling Rivalry
Dear Sibling,
Since you’re both in your 20s, the trend appears to be going the opposite way of outgrowing your closeness. You say you don’t want to cross the ultimate line, but you continue to slow dance to the edge of it. If one day Jack’s resolve breaks, you, Jill, are likely to come tumbling after. You profess you two want normal lives, but if you violate this taboo you may never get there. If you do have an affair, or something pretty close, and you vow to forever keep this secret, you each will spend decades hoping your sibling stays silent.
But if one or the other feels this is something a future romantic partner should know, don’t be surprised if upon hearing your confession your new love quickly backs away. I know I more or less gave a pass recently to a pair of middle-aged incestuous gay twins, but they had long ago made a physical and emotional commitment to each other, and were asking me about whether they should let their family know. I think even those two men would advise you two to stop the rubbing and get yourselves disentangled emotionally. Your therapist should have had the training not to be so shocked by your revelation that she ended up barking orders. Go back to the counseling office, say your first therapist was not a good fit, and you’d like to talk to someone else about a pressing emotional issue. A good therapist should be able to hear you out, understand your situation, and help guide you out of it. For a window into how strange things like this can get if they go too far, read Jeffrey Eugenides’ wonderful novel Middlesex.
—Prudie
Dear Prudence: Dancing With Herself
Dear Prudence,
I have been happily married for several years and have never cheated on my wife. Last week I went for a massage, and now I have a dilemma. I’m a sucker for cheap, Asian massage and this place seemed legit. They had ads for couples’ massage and a row of chairs for foot reflexology.
The sign in the room said “Keep undergarments on.” But the masseuse came in and asked me to take my shirt off since she used oil during the massage. The first hour was completely normal, and when she asked me if I wanted a longer massage I told her to go another 30 minutes. She told me to turn over, massaged my stomach, then started to pleasure me—well, you can imagine how. I never solicited, intended, or suggested this happen! I could have stopped it, but it all happened so fast and was over in about 20 seconds. I almost felt violated. After that she finished the massage, and I paid and left a tip. I have resolved to only get fully clothed massages from now on, if any. I pride myself on being honest and treasure the intimacy and emotional trust my wife and I have. I feel that it might be gone if I keep this event from her, but I’m also not sure I should tell her. What should I do?
—Not So Relaxed
Dear Not,
First of all, I hope it’s not over so quickly when you’re attending to your wife. I agree this masseuse (which seems a more appropriate word given the circumstances than “massage therapist”) caught you with your pants down. Yes, you should have ended the session and beat a hasty retreat before she beat you into submission. But I’ll chalk up the sequence of events to her expertise and your surprise at what came your way. I tried to imagine my reaction if my husband told me this story. I’d believe him—why otherwise bother to confess? I’d probably be slightly amused and also ask how good a tip he left. I definitely wouldn’t be getting him any gift certificates for the Asian massage place up the street. (My teenage daughter and I went there recently and I’m grateful the only kinks that got worked over were our tight shoulder muscles.) But another part of me would be uneasy about this happy ending, and I’d wonder if he had really been that naive about what this place meant by “full-body” massage.
You didn’t solicit your massage extra and I don’t think it’s a violation of your honest and open relationship to just quietly file this experience away. But only you know if in order to feel right with your wife, you have to take her by the hand and say, “I went for a massage recently, and a funny thing happened on the way to my adductor longus.”
—Prudie
Dear Prudence,
Everyone in my family was baptized and raised Episcopalian. My brother moved away, got married, and had a daughter. He and his wife were attending a non-Episcopal Protestant church, so they baptized my niece there. When my niece was still an infant, my mother visited them and, upon her return home, proudly boasted that when my brother and his wife weren’t around, she put my niece under the kitchen faucet and performed an “emergency Episcopal baptism just to be safe.
” Everyone who heard this was horrified and thought what my mother did was crazy. My mother found our reactions overblown though she did ask us never to tell my brother or his wife, and we haven’t. Now I am married and my wife and I are expecting our first child. My wife is Jewish and we have decided to raise our son in that faith. Since my mother felt the need to surreptitiously baptize her granddaughter for being the wrong Protestant denomination, she’s sure to try something with her grandson who isn’t even Christian! To baptize him would be a gross violation. I’ve decided my mother will never be allowed to be alone or even out of sight with my son until he’s old enough to defend himself. Is this a reasonable plan? Should I tell other family members never to let her out of their sight with my son and why?
—Whose Rite?
Dear Rite,
As a theologian your mother is all wet, as a look at this handy guide to Episcopal baptism demonstrates. For starters, the Episcopal Church recognizes proper baptisms performed by other denominations. If someone has been baptized, the church frowns upon freelancers like your mother getting in something extra: “Under absolutely no circumstances can a valid Baptism be repeated.” Then there’s the matter of the church insisting this sacred rite be performed by clergy in front of the congregation. As far as emergency baptisms are concerned, Episcopalians limit this to “impending death clear to all present.” In other words, while you mother may have given her granddaughter a soapless shampoo, she did not perform a baptism. Sure, it’s rude of her to run her grandchild under the faucet with the idea of getting the kid some celestial leg up. But since your mother gets just about everything wrong about baptism, her little ritual doesn’t hold water as a religious act.
What your mother did, and I agree probably plans to do with your son, is the equivalent of a personal superstition no one need take seriously. Your son will be Jewish regardless of what your mother does, so it seems unnecessarily mean to have your family act as probation officers to prevent Grandma from getting her grandchild near running water.
—Prudie
Dear Prudence,
My 5-year-old daughter has an adorable best friend, “Molly,” who is left-handed. Molly’s parents mentioned once that they hoped to convert her to a righty. Molly’s mother is from a country where this desire may be more common, but we laughed it off and said that three of the last four presidents were lefties.
Since then, we’ve seen Molly’s mother snapping at her for using her left hand. This rubs me the wrong way as a leftie myself, but more importantly, I don’t think it’s good for the child to forcibly convert them. Should we stay out of it now or should we stick up for Molly?
—Sympathetic Southpaw
Dear Sympathetic,
It’s true that there is a sinister prejudice against lefties in much of the world, but fortunately it is dying out in many places. As the daughter and mother of lefties, I find the practice of forced conversion to right-handedness gauche and appalling. (As I do forced conversion generally.) I hope your daughter and Molly are classmates, because that would give you the opportunity to alert the teacher to what’s going on.
I bet the best way to get through to these parents would be if an authority figure explains to them we now understand that left-handedness is just an interesting variation, one that should be supported, not suppressed.
—Prudie
Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.
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- Advice
'True love': Brothers' kiss on lips sparks debate
Published
Image source, Sheila Soares
Image caption,Rafael Mirim shows his brother Erick a tribute tattoo of his face
A video of a brother's touching tribute to his sibling who has Down's syndrome has led some people to question whether it is appropriate to kiss a family member on the lips.
Rafael Mirim was filmed in his car in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, showing his brother Erick a tattoo of his face for the first time.
Touched by the tribute, Erick kisses Rafael on the lips and then hugs him in a video viewed more than 42 million times on Facebook.
The footage, originally posted by Erick and Rafael's mother Sheila Soares on 21 July, was picked up by Facebook user Wallacy Martins. Since he posted the video on Sunday, it has been shared more than half a million times, with more than 60,000 interactions.
The majority of the 11,000 comments describe the heart-warming nature of the video.
"I thought this was absolutely beautiful in every way," posted one Facebook user. Others shared their own tattoos of loved ones.
- Living with a child with Down's syndrome
- The million dollar sock entrepreneur with Down's syndrome
For some, however, there was one jarring aspect of what should simply be a sweet moment between the two brothers.
"People who I know and have siblings don't kiss them in the mouth especially if they couldn't consent legally," commented one Facebook user.
Another posted: "The way he was rubbing his arm... was creepy... it's a no for me."
"That's just weird. My friend's brother just shakes his hand, that's enough," commented another.
But the comments have sparked a backlash, as many people shared how strongly they felt about the subject.
"I literally just read into five comments before I saw someone posting about how perverted it is that his brother kissed him on the lips," read a reply. "You people disgust me."
Image source, Sheila Soares
Image caption,Rafael hugs his brother Erick after showing him the tattoo on his arm
Another comment, which has attracted more than 23,000 interactions, read: "All he sees is the brother that loves him.
"If you read anything more into it, that's your own masculinity that needs to be checked.
Not every thing about love or human emotion needs to be sexualized."
Sheilas Soares commented on her own Facebook page to say she was overwhelmed by the responses to her son's video and had posted it to show the "true love" between the brothers.
"I am proud of the children," she said on Wednesday.
"I wanted to show true love because special children are so discriminated, forgotten and not recognised."
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Other commentators on Facebook shared their own experiences with family members. One user said: "My favourite Aunt on the planet had Down's. Anyone she even remotely cared about got a kiss on the lips. It was her way of showing affection. I would give anything to get one of her kisses again."
"My brother has special needs and he kisses all of us on the lips. It's nothing perverted or gross. He doesn't even think that way!" commented another Facebook user.
While another post read: "My youngest daughter has Down's syndrome and is very affectionate! I would never shame her for the love she shares with not only her sisters, but all people.
"
It is not the first time kissing family members on the lips has attracted attention. Last year former Manchester United player David Beckham defended kissing his five-year-old daughter. "We want to show our kids love," he said.
US actress Hilary Duff also received abuse last year after being photographed kissing her son at Disneyland in California.
By Rozina Sini, UGC and social news team
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In the evenings all the time together. Is it a problem with kissing? What should I do? nine0018
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But it is not clear why you back off from your opinion? The problem is rather in the softness of your opinion, and not in the behavior of your son. 
09.12
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Perhaps you should, like a man, firmly stop these absurd speculations so that this topic does not even “hover in the air”. nine0018 
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Children often take everything that happens to them for granted. Sometimes parents are unaware of what is happening. QUIETLY talk to the children one by one, teach them healthy behavior. nine0018
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This is what you can convey to the strikers of the bell. nine0018 
09.12
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If the first, then you yourself wrote " They get along with each other ..." and this is the most important thing, to calm down due to the fact that they have different attitudes to hugs and kisses, read about the representative systems of perception of the world, and if you if you are concerned about the suspicions of relatives, then it will be useful for you to learn more about homophobia, Valery Egorov is right, and you should not transfer the problem of relatives to children. To get started, read what Wikipedia says about it: " Homophobia (ancient Greek ὁμός - "similar, identical", φόβος - "fear, fear") - a collective definition for various forms of negative reactions to manifestations of homosexuality, as well as to social phenomena associated with it. Homophobia is considered in official international documents of the European Parliament, as well as by some sociological institutions on a par with racism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism and sexism. Previously, parents were afraid of aggression from older children, now they have a gentle and kind attitude, maybe you shouldn’t be tormented by doubts and suspicion, maybe you should figure it out, contact a psychologist privately, you will certainly be helped to calm down and see only what is really there .
.. If there are fears and anxiety, it is necessary to get rid of them. Good luck and wisdom to you. Irina. nine0018
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I agree with my colleagues who advise to get to know such concepts as kinesthetic - a person for whom touch is extremely important, visual - a person who is not inclined to touch, but tends to look, auditory - a person who prefers to listen. nine0018 
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It's really okay to show love to a brother. The only thing I would draw the attention of the elder to is the reaction of the younger. If the younger one does not like it, then the older one should not do it, because he probably would not like it either if someone did something that he did not like. At the same time, you can find out from the younger what exactly he does not like and why, and take this into account. nine0018
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View all experts from the section Psychology > Children and adolescents
Psychologist's blog: is it okay not to love a sister or brother?
- Elena Savinova
- Psychologist
Photo by Craig Whitehead/Unsplash
Quite often we are sincerely attached to us by values, friends, blood, and relatives preferences.
But we are quite indifferent to our sister or brother, we can not call them for months. Is it normal? nine0851
Grandfathers and grandchildren
It so happened that my grandmother died early, and my fifty-year-old grandfather married a local teacher, five years younger.
They had no common children. But after a while they "overgrown", as they said in the village, with numerous grandchildren from both sides.
And when I, my grandfather's granddaughter, came for vacation from the city, having barely kissed my beloved grandfather and grandmother (I did not know my own grandmother), I immediately ran to the next street to the Tarasenki - my grandmother's grandchildren. nine0018
It's good that their number increased there almost every year, and there were already five children. And running towards Lyudka, Vitka and Tolik after a long separation was a real happiness. Both they and their parents sincerely rejoiced at me.
- Psychologist's blog: how to become your own for other people's children
- Psychologist's blog: why do we need abstract love?
They were poor and cheerful. Grandfather and grandmother helped a large family as much as they could. What caused considerable anger of relatives from the grandfather - the Panchenko family. nine0018
But grandfather was reproached for spending money on "strangers" and not on his relatives, who, by the way, did not need it at all. But my claims were different.
Every time my aunt scolded me for running, stupid, to the Tarasenkos, but they are not my relatives, and the whole village is already laughing at me. Because where has it been seen to visit your brother and sister only on the third day.
But with relatives - Panchenki - it was not interesting. Olga, the eldest for several years, listened all the time to incomprehensible music, some kind of “taka-taka-taka-taka-so”, pulled out a mountain of dresses from the closet and advised what she should wear to the club today.
nine0018
And my brother was constantly repairing a moped, he was silent, and he smelled of engine oil. It is not surprising that, after serving a short courtesy call, I again joyfully ran to the Tarasenki. And there I was waiting for the boundless world of children's happiness.
Now, unfortunately, I rarely go to that village, where every year there are fewer and fewer relatives. And when I go to the adult Tarasenki, I don’t tell my brother and sister about it.
They live in a small town not far from the village, and just like their mother once, they are offended that I don't visit them. Therefore, I spend them separately, mainly for some family celebrations. nine0018
Image copyright Asa Rodger/Unsplash
"Friends" for parents
And if I'm faced with my own indifference to cousins, many admit that they feel no attachment to those with whom they share common parents. And even more so to their children, that is, nephews.
Therefore, family holidays become a real test for them. Because you have to portray friendship and hide irritation. And in the end - to feel deep guilt for supposedly their own callousness, which usually accompanies such a person since childhood. nine0018
The compulsion of family events can only be compared with the fake meetings of classmates, where you keep asking yourself who all these people are and what connects you with them.
In fact, nothing terrible is happening to us. It’s just that we didn’t choose brothers and sisters, as well as classmates for ourselves.
In the first case, these people appeared in our lives because it was the parents' decision. In the second - because we, six or seven years old, found ourselves together in the same time and space. And it just so happened that they were forced to communicate. nine0018
- Psychologist's blog: what to do with spring anxiety?
Moreover, with brothers and sisters we share a common resource - parents, so we always subconsciously, and at a younger age - clearly and sharply, compete for it.
Therefore, it is between relatives and in adulthood that hostility and jealousy can persist. Although, it would seem, we are native people, there is nowhere dearer.
Love is desirable, but not necessary
If there is a conflict between siblings, parents have a lot to do with it. nine0018
The older child was most likely used as a free babysitter for the younger one. And instead of thanking him and emphasizing his importance in every possible way, they were also appointed guilty if the baby fell or they broke something together.
image copyrightMyung-Won Seo/Unsplash
Or they said - well, you're an adult or an adult, give in to him in some game, he's small, it's hard for you.
That is, in fact, they offered the older child to lie permanently, pretend to be small and stupid, if only the younger one would calm down. nine0018
As if they were saying: - lie, and the whole family will feel better.
Thus, on the one hand, they endowed the elder with unusual duties, while depriving him of adequate powers.
How can a neurosis not develop in such a situation? Psychologists call it just that - the neurosis of the older brother (sister).
- Psychologist's blog: what is needed for happiness?
As a rule, this neurosis is fueled by the constant suggestion that children should - yes, they should - love each other on the grounds that they are relatives. nine0018
Therefore, if a six or seven-year-old girl does not feel love for her five-month-old brother, who screams all the time, and her mother, moreover, now runs around with him all the time, and not with her, she feels guilty. For not loving him, for being somehow wrong.
Feelings of guilt that we share everything important with friends, and not with a sister or brother, can remain with us for many years.
But there is nothing wrong with the fact that we will have just good relations with our closest relatives, readiness to help in case of emergency.
This is fine. nine0018
There are no bad feelings
In order not to leave a child alone with despair, adults should not shame, not demand.
And say, for example: "Yes, I understand you. You would like us to read together as before. I love you just the same. But now I must pay attention to the little one, he is completely helpless. And then we will definitely read a fairy tale for the night."
Image copyright Eye for Ebony/Unsplash
Try to never give privileges to children because one of them is younger. nine0018
This, by the way, also harms the younger, it would seem, minions of fate. Because they will not have an incentive to mature psychologically. What for? We are well fed here.
If children, to whom parents treat equally evenly, will understand that they do not have to compete for the favor of mom and dad, they will cooperate, make friends.
But to demand to love or, on the contrary, not to love, as it was in my childhood, is not worth it.
