How to grieve divorce

Dealing with a Breakup or Divorce

grief & loss

When a relationship ends, healing can take time. These tips can help you grieve your loss and start to move on.

Why are breakups so painful?

A breakup or divorce can be one of the most stressful and emotional experiences in life. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions.

Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of the dreams and commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hopes for the future. When a relationship fails, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches you into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup also brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns can often seem worse than being in an unhappy relationship.

This pain, disruption, and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup or divorce can be difficult and take time. However, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through this difficult experience and even move on with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable).
Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional.
Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical losses).

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you'll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won't last forever.

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Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce

Don't fight your feelings. It's normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It's important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Talk about how you're feeling. Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.

Remember that moving on is the end goal. Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it's hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression. Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don't feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Helping your kids during a breakup or divorce

When mom and dad split, a child can feel confused, angry, and uncertain as well as profoundly sad. As a parent, you can help your kids cope with the breakup by providing stability and attending to your child's needs with a reassuring, positive attitude.

Reach out to others for support

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don't try to get through this on your own.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It's important that you feel free to be honest about what you're going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn't come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group (see the Resources section below). The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Taking care of yourself after a breakup

A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you're going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.

Treat yourself like you're getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips

Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Spend time with good friends, go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say “no” without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.

Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.

Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, such as starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you're feeling less emotional so that you can make decisions with a clearer head.

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you're in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It's essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings. HelpGuide's free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help.

Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you're going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don't make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

See: Healthy Eating, How to Sleep Better, and How to Start Exercising and Stick to It.

Learning important lessons from a breakup or divorce

It can be difficult to see it when you're going through a painful breakup, but in times of emotional crisis, there are opportunities to grow and learn. You may be feeling nothing but emptiness and sadness in your life right now, but that doesn't mean that things will never change. Try to consider this period in your life a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger and wiser.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. The more you understand how the choices you made affected the relationship, the better you'll be able to learn from your mistakes—and avoid repeating them in the future.

Questions to ask yourself

Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?

Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You'll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you'll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Gina Kemp, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A.

- References
  Depressive Disorders.(2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. American Psychiatric Association. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787.x04_Depressive_Disorders
  Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8(2), 67–74. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2051-5545.2009.tb00217.x
  Rhoades, Galena K., Claire M. Kamp Dush, David C. Atkins, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman. “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: The Impact of Unmarried Relationship Dissolution on Mental Health and Life Satisfaction.” Journal of Family Psychology : JFP : Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) 25, no. 3 (June 2011): 366. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023627
  Kansky, Jessica, and Joseph P. Allen. “Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups.” Emerging Adulthood (Print) 6, no. 3 (2018): 172–90. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167696817711766
  Ubaidi, Basem Abbas Al, and Basem Abbas Al Ubaidi. “The Psychological and Emotional Stages of Divorce.” Accessed October 22, 2021. https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-060.php?jid=jfmdp
  Cohen, Orna, and Ricky Finzi-Dottan. “Reasons for Divorce and Mental Health Following the Breakup. ” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 53 (November 1, 2012): 581–601. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.719413
Coping with Separation and Divorce – How to cope with and recover from a separation, divorce, or relationship breakup. (Mental Health America)
Divorce Matters: Coping with Stress and Change (PDF) – Restructuring family life and coping with the change that comes along with separation and divorce. (Iowa State University)
Find a DivorceCare group meeting near you – Worldwide directory of support groups for people going through a separation or divorce. (DivorceCare)

Around the web
Last updated: October 13, 2022
Divorce Grief Is Very Real. These 16 Tips Can Help You Through It
Divorce grief is very real and very powerful. And it takes a lot to get through it. After a divorce, you’re going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions — and more than just sadness or jubilation. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the death of a loved one, which makes sense given that you’re suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. That’s why you experience grief and its commonly known phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But divorce grief is even harder in many ways.
“Divorce is a different kind of a loss than a death, and in some ways more difficult,” says Dr. Lavanya Shankar, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist and psychotherapist. “Your ex is still out there. You may ask yourself, What could I have done differently? It’s hard to grapple with. It’s the loss of your whole idea of yourself, what your future was going to be like. And it’s the breaking up of your family unit and the guilt associated with that. There are a lot of layers with divorce.”
The truth of the matter is that men generally tend to be less inclined to feel their feelings — and thus more likely to be hit harder by the stages of divorce grief. This is unhealthy. Not only does it slow — or even halt — the grieving process, but it makes individuals more likely to fall into patterns of depression or bursts of anger. So how can you deal with divorce grief in a healthy fashion? Here are tips for going through the process.
1. Recognize That Your Marriage Is Over
Denial is a typical phase of the grieving process, but you can’t deny the reality of your situation. Accepting your divorce on an intellectual level will allow you to begin the emotional grieving process. “A father may know that their wife has filed for divorce, but they may not recognize or want to know how it will change their life,” says Dallas-based divorce coach Dr. Karen Finn. “They’ll try to interact with their wife, to reconcile — but the wife may not want to. You can’t control everything. Come to terms with the facts.”
2. Be Patient — Grief Takes Time
Grieving is a process, not a race. And there’s no fixed timetable, despite (erroneous) advice that suggests it takes half as long as you were in a relationship to get over it. “In our culture, men aren’t encouraged to sit with sadness, grief, anger, guilt – whatever the feelings associated with a loss might be,” Shankar says. “But to heal and move on in a healthy way, there has to be a period to feel what you need to feel — and to talk about it, to process it, and to get support around it.”
3. Surround Yourself With People Who Support You — And Let Them
Fuck self-reliance — we all need help sometimes. After a divorce, now is that sometime for you. Be direct with your friends and family about needing their support. Not sure how? Try this: “Hey, this divorce has been hard. Would you mind coming over and hanging out with me?” Or: “Can I tell you about how sad I’m feeling? I don’t need advice, just someone to listen. Could you do that for me?”
“It’s important that you have relational support,” Shankar says. “When people isolate around a loss and try to power through it and get through it on their own – that concerns me the most. Be intentional about allowing people to be there for you, calling people, letting people sit with you – even if you don’t talk. Take comfort in other people’s presence. The main thing is to allow support to be there.”
4. Practice Excellent Self-Care
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s the importance of self-care. At a minimum, get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise — and do whatever helps you feel good. “Grief isn’t simply emotional,” Finn says. “It has physical effects, too.” Of course, this can be challenging if you’ve never been taught that it’s okay to nurture yourself, but do it, anyway. And don’t mistake self-medicating or numbing yourself with taking care of yourself. “Don’t get sucked into anything that may dull the sensations of pain — alcohol, sexual encounters, spending sprees, gambling, and the like. You’ll be healthier and happier in the end if you can avoid those.”
5. Feel Your Feelings
Yes, you need to understand on an intellectual level that your marriage is over. But that doesn’t mean you should reason away your grief. “Intellectualizing is a convenient way to avoid feeling,” Finn says. “But when you’re dealing with grief after a divorce, you need to embrace your feelings as they present themselves. ” That means being comfortable with being uncomfortable, and fighting the desire to stuff down your feelings. That doesn’t make them go away. “At some point they’ll come out,” Finn adds. “If you deal with them as they happen, or as close to them happening as you can, you have a better chance of working through them — rather than having them explode at some point in the future.”
6. Find Out What’s There Besides Anger
Okay, so you’re angry. That’s normal — especially if you’re unfamiliar with the broader spectrum of emotions. But the anger is often covering up some deeper feelings like hurt or sadness. “Anger is seen as more socially acceptable for men than the other emotions,” Finn says. “But to get to those emotions lurking underneath, do something with the anger.” Anger is energizing, so you’d likely benefit from some physical activity — go for a run, do some HIIT, go apeshit on a pillow. Then see what other feelings are there.
7. Timebox Your Grief
Your more powerful emotions may arise at inconvenient moments — overwhelming sadness in the middle of a work meeting, for instance. When that happens, acknowledge the feeling and promise yourself you’ll address it when you can. “You can’t scream or cry during the meeting, so you may have to stuff it a little bit — but know that you’re going to set aside time to deal with that emotion when it’s more appropriate, like after work.” Finn says. “Then set a timer for 30 minutes. If you need to cry – which is totally okay, the end of a marriage is sad — then cry. Feel it completely. If you’re done with it before 30 minutes passes, then celebrate — you didn’t need the whole time.”
8. Don’t Hide Your Divorce Grief From Your Kids (But Don’t Freak Them Out, Either)
It’s okay for your kids to see you sad. “Kids don’t need to be shielded from your being sad or that the divorce has been hard on dad,” Shankar says. “It’s good for them to know that their parent struggles some days. How we process our feelings directly impacts how your children move through the divorce. You’re helping them learn resiliency by developing yours. ”
It’s not okay for your kids to see you rant, rage, or sob uncontrollably. And it’s especially not okay to unload on them or use them as your source of support — parentification, or relying on your kids for adult emotional support, is a very bad habit. “It’s a balance,” Shankar says. “Your kids should not see everything, especially your anger towards the other parent. That’s something they should never have to carry. You can vent about your ex, but not to or in front of your kids.”
9. Write It Out
Take a page from your parenting manual and remind yourself to “use your words.” When your emotions and thoughts are in a jumble, it can help to put them into words. While talking with others is helpful, so too is journaling. “Writing out how you feel can bring relief,” Shankar says. Pick a time of the day when you’re really feeling it and commit to writing for a set amount of time. “You could have feelings of grief or sadness in the morning when you wake up, or at night when it’s dark and there’s more loneliness. Pick a time each day and just sit and write free-form for 10 minutes. It should be private — no one’s going to see it. Research shows that writing for a few minutes a day helps metabolize the feelings, so they’re not stuck.”
10. Use Your Feelings as Tools for Learning
When you’re in the midst of divorce grief, the overriding sentiment may be thishurtsthishurtsthishurts. But try to find lessons in the experience of grieving. “Even the most negative, painful feelings carry messages intended to help you heal and become the best version of yourself,” Finn says. “If you can look at your marriage from the angle of what it was and what it meant, and what you’ve learned as a result of losing it, you’ll be much further along than someone who dwells on the pain. You’re developing emotional and spiritual flexibility by finding how to use this to help yourself feel more whole.”
11. Stop Blaming Your Ex and Start Forgiving Them (and Yourself)
Your anger (see above) probably has a target: your ex. Maybe you blame them for the divorce, and you may even be justified in doing so. But blaming your ex will hinder you from seeing your part in your relationship’s end, which could help with your processing and growth. It also makes you the victim — and that doesn’t feel good. “You are moving into a phase of your life where you won’t be able to blame your spouse — because they won’t be there,” Finn says. “You can only work on yourself. Start by looking at your own responsibility within your marriage — the good and the bad. That allows you to take some power back.” According to Finn, this will push you ahead faster than just about any other strategy for dealing with grief after a divorce.
Relatedly, forgive your ex — and yourself — as best as you can. “It’s the next step after rising above blame,” Finn says. “As you work on taking responsibility for your own contributions to your divorce, forgiveness will become easier. When you forgive yourself, you’re no longer stuck in the mindset of failure. And when you forgive your ex, they have no control over you.”
12. Remember: You Will Still Be a Part of Your Kid’s Life
Divorce will likely change your relationship with your kids, but it isn’t the end of it. Refrain from gloom-and-doom thoughts about never seeing your kids again — that’s just adding to your grief. “Talk with your attorney to understand what your rights are when it comes to spending time with your kids,” Finn says. “In some parts of the country, moms are still given more time with kids than dads, but most places are working towards that being more equal.”
13. Focus on the Future You Want
It may be hard to imagine, but you will pull through— and you will be a better version of yourself for having gone through this. While the happily-ever-after you pictured on your wedding day is one of the losses you’re grieving, there is another future waiting for you. “Focusing on the possibilities of the future helps when you’re going through the work and discomfort of grieving your divorce,” Finn says. “It’s going to be worth it.”
14. Don’t Date Again Until You’re Ready — And You’re Not Ready
The temptation to move on to “the next” is going to be strong. Very strong. But you owe it to yourself and to whomever you’re destined to meet to grieve completely — so you can be your best self in your next relationship. “Grief can dull your senses, making it more difficult to be your genuine self,” Finn says. “A fluctuating emotional context of grief isn’t a good foundation for a new relationship. It isn’t fair to you or the person you’re involved with.”
Spend some time getting comfortable with being on your own. Eventually, you’ll be able to distinguish between wanting a relationship and needing a relationship. “When you’re curious about dating — not, ‘I got to’ — that’s when it’s time to try. You may find after one date that you’re not ready, so pause, take care of yourself, and then try again.”
15. Consider Professional Help
There is nothing masculine about gutting out a tough emotional period in your life. Your friends and family are there for you — you should be leaning on them for support as needed. But for additional support, see a therapist. “Knowing when you need help and asking for it is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give yourself and your children,” Finn says. “Your kids need to know you’re OK so they can be OK. You don’t need to fake anything — they should be able to look to you as someone who can provide them safety and consistency even when everything is completely different. Let your kids know they’re OK because you’ll work through the grief with support.”
16. Get Help Immediately If You Have More Than Momentary Thoughts of Suicide
The grief of divorce can get very uncomfortable. You may feel untethered, confused, and desperate — and want to make the pain go away. “People question whether going through all those feelings as part of healing is worth it,” Finn says. “They could have what I call popcorn thoughts, thoughts that pop into your head and make you wonder why you would think that. Thoughts like, Should I go on? People think about suicide. It’s not uncommon. These thoughts can freak you out, but they’re normal. Your brain is a problem-solver. The problem it’s trying to solve is your hurt, so it will come up with all sorts of ideas.”
If suicide does more than just pop into your head — if it’s a persistent thought — get help immediately. “The thought should scare you,” Finn says. “If it doesn’t, get help.”
This article was originally published on Feb. 5, 2021
How to survive a divorce? Psychologist's advice

During the coronavirus pandemic, amid general instability and the need to spend a lot of time together, a couple may decide to divorce. We figure out how to help ourselves in this case.

Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist
service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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Divorce is inevitably associated with difficult experiences - it is always pain, disappointment, collapse of hopes, loss of a sense of stability and security, both for the one who initiated it, and for the one who will have to go through this path not of their own free will. There is no way to completely avoid heavy emotions. In any case, it will take enough time for the wounds of mutual grievances to heal.

What you need to understand about divorce, first of all

The husband and wife have been married for some time - a year, five years, ten, twenty. Over the years of living together, each invested strength, material wealth, and time in marriage. Husband and wife develop their own traditions and common habits appear: have breakfast together, go to the dacha on weekends in the summer or go on vacation to the sea, celebrate the New Year with their parents, meet mutual friends, and so on.

Habits create in our life a sense of stability, predictability, serve as a support for us, fill us with confidence in the future. What has become habitual gives us the opportunity to plan our lives - to look a little into the future. Standing on the threshold of life together, people made a promise to be together in sorrow and in joy, until death do them part. At that moment it seemed that it was forever and nothing else. None of them thought that one day the bonds of marriage would be broken and they would meet with the collapse of their hopes, expectations placed on each other, plans for life.

The news of a divorce is almost always unexpected. Even if the relationship of the spouses has long passed into the category of "once upon a time there were two neighbors." Even if one of them knew about the betrayals of the other, but was silent in the hope that everything would work out. Even if the spouses often swore, slammed the doors and promised to get a divorce, and after a couple of days they reconciled again or pretended that nothing had happened.

Divorce is a loss. The loss of not only a significant person in life, but also much of what has become familiar, and in some ways - expensive and even irreplaceable. One fine day, everything that created internal stability and nourished hope for tomorrow turned out to be inaccessible. That very expected tomorrow has ceased to exist, as if the future has been taken away from you. "How will I continue to live?" - such a question is more often faced by a partner who has been confronted with the fact of a divorce. The spouse who initiated the breakup comes to this question a little earlier. But the collapse of the future overtakes both.

A still from the movie Wild Life

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Divorce is a trauma. For some, it turns into a loss of the ability to enter into a new relationship, since trust in marriage as such has been undermined. In the case of a divorce, a person goes through the same psychological stages as with any severe loss: mourning, denial, anger, bargaining or negotiations, depression, acceptance or adaptation - and both partners go through them: both the initiator and the other side.

The initiator of a divorce, as a rule, goes through the first stage even before talking about it. His spouse enters the first stage at the time of the announcement of the decision to divorce. It is precisely because partners are often at different stages of coping with loss that during the divorce process it can be so difficult for them to understand and hear each other, to agree on anything. This is important to understand and take into account.

There is no difference between how men and women experience loss. There are very emotional men and very reserved women. Both those and others during this period may try to drown out their grief with alcohol, frequent sexual relations, their behavior may be aggressive or seem inadequate.

Stages of Divorce Living

1. Denial

Spouses at this stage often try to pretend that nothing is happening and continue to communicate as before. At this stage, it is important not to avoid your experiences. They help us soberly assess what is happening. If there is a person in your environment whom you trust (friend, parents), talk to him, tell him about what happened. In a supportive environment, give vent to your feelings, tears.

At the stage of denial, questions naturally arise: “How could this happen to me?”, “Can I find a person who loves me?”, “Maybe it still forms? Maybe he/she will come back and change his mind?

A person experiences shock, loses support, does not understand what to do and how to live on. He is tormented by pain and fear of separation, loneliness, uncertainty in any future relationship.

2. Anger

Time passes, nothing changes, the spouse does not leave his intention to divorce. Sadness and despair turn into resentment and bitterness: “For what? What did I do / did not do it right? Why did it happen"? Hatred rises towards the initiator of the break: “You left me!” The question "For what?" comes to everyone - it is important at this stage not to get involved in the search for an answer. No answer. A huge number of factors led to what happened. There is no one to blame for what happened - but there is a contribution of everyone, often unconscious.

3.
Bargaining
At this stage, there is a desire to return the spouse by any means, to restore relations. A wife can fall in love again with her husband who initiated the divorce, suddenly seeing in his behavior a real masculine act and the ability to make decisions. A husband can recall with emotion the hobbies of his wife that irritated him in marriage, and is even ready to support them, if only she would return.

A shot from the film "Revolutionary Road"

© kinopoisk.ru

The abandoned partner decides to change dramatically, for example, lose weight, stop drinking. During this period, a person is ready to negotiate even with God, even with the devil, turn to psychics, fortune-tellers, astrologers - just to get advice on how to return a spouse. However, before you go to a fortune teller, answer yourself the question - did you feel so good? Why did you decide that upon returning the spouse will become a different person?

“What if I still love him?” - you ask. Think about it, is it possible to force a person to love you by force just because you love him? Rather, this idea comes from the parent-child relationship: "Mom loves you, and you? .." Does it follow from the fact that if someone loves you, you must love him a priori? The world is unfair, and it is very painful to realize that your beloved or beloved does not have mutual feelings for you. But the fact remains that we cannot keep a person around against their will.

4. Depression

When it comes to understanding that everything is in vain, deep disappointment sets in. A feeling of loss covers, sadness appears, a breakdown is felt. At this stage, a person mourns the loss of everything that was dear, that which was hoped for and that did not happen.

Depression is the absence of an impulse to act: if something is not available to me, I don’t want anything! Yes, something is not available, as before, but this does not mean that it is impossible in a new way. Make a list of things you feel sad about, things that weren't available with the divorce, or things that didn't materialize in the old relationship. And look at this list from the other side - now these are your desires and values, based on which you can continue to build your life, start other relationships. Highlighting the important and valuable helps to set new goals.

5. Acceptance

As if waking up from a dream, a person begins to see and share the facts. At this stage, there comes an awareness of one's own contribution to what happened, and the value of all the good things that were experienced and received in marriage, as well as an understanding of needs and opportunities. The desire to live and move on comes, new meanings and goals appear.

The task that stands in this difficult period is to go through all the stages without dwelling on any of them for a long time. On average, this can last from one to three years, or even longer. Be attentive and careful to yourself, ask yourself: “Where am I now? At what stage? How long have I been there?"

If you find yourself unable to get out of difficult experiences on your own, seek the help of a psychotherapist.

How to survive a divorce if you have children or your wife is pregnant?

When a couple has children, both husband and wife can initiate a divorce. If the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage on the part of a woman were the partner’s infidelity, financial instability or lack of income for the spouse, his addictive behavior, domestic violence, and even if the decision was made by the mother out of fear for life and health (her own and children), then she suffers no less than if her husband left her.

In such situations, a woman still feels abandoned, with all the hardships of everyday, financial, parental problems, and the decision to divorce is very difficult. There is always hope that the husband will change - find a job, stop drinking, beat and humiliate, return to the family. One of the typical experiences that a woman may experience during this period is often associated with the belief that no one needs her with children - who will marry her with a child?

Still from the film "Fragments of a Woman"

If a woman is pregnant, what will she live on when the baby is born and she will not be able to work? Or if a woman did not work before the divorce, she took care of the house and children - what will she and the children live on? After all, it takes time to find a job. Sometimes, after a few years of caring for children, a woman loses her skills in her profession. The situation can be aggravated by the behavior of relatives: “If you get married, let your husband feed you!” What to do in such a situation?

Don't be led by those who think they have to do everything themselves. There is no point in being ashamed or blaming yourself for what happened (“Where did I look when I got married?”, “I gave birth myself - and carry this cross myself”). It is these beliefs that bring the most fear and anxiety. Even if after the breakup of the family, the children remain with their mother, she bears responsibility for their life on a par with her ex-husband, their father.

It is important to keep this in mind and in the process of divorce, start negotiating the conditions for the maintenance of children, and if there are grounds and need for that, also for their mother. Seek help from a mediator, lawyers, psychologists - remember that there are always people who are ready to support you in this difficult period. As part of social projects, there are centers for psychological assistance, as well as various services that provide shelter for women with children who have been subjected to violence and are left homeless, helping a woman get a profession, find a job, and arrange children in a kindergarten or school.

Unfortunately, it happens that one parent sets the children against the other, does not allow the former spouse to meet with the child in order to take revenge, hurt or gain their own benefit, cope with their own grief. It is worth clearly separating your own needs and desires from the desires and needs of children, so as not to use them as a weapon of revenge or obtaining any benefits that are not legally related to children.

Remember that after a divorce, spouses cease to be husband and wife, but for children they remain mom and dad - divorce does not annul this fact in any way. Children love each parent and need both of them. This will help minimize the negative impact of divorce on the psyche of the child.

Infidelity and divorce

The reason for the divorce is that the spouses cannot get along with each other. A lot of conflicts, quarrels and disagreements alienated them from each other. Cheating, as a rule, is a consequence of the fact that the spouses cannot satisfy all their needs in marriage and decide to compensate for them on the side. At the same time, betrayal can become a strong argument and provoke a decision to divorce.

One of the most painful experiences during betrayal is the feeling of being abandoned, abandoned and, as a result, flawed. Another is the experience of betrayal. The intolerance of a false sense of inferiority can provoke an unreasonable desire to return a spouse.

A shot from the movie "The Squid and the Whale"

The experience of betrayal prompts the decision to divorce. To divorce or not to divorce in case of infidelity? What if the husband or wife left for another partner? This question can be answered only by understanding the reasons that led to the betrayal, and in their own feelings for each other. It is impossible to embrace all the experiences that arise in the spouses in the process of divorce.

It is important to know that whatever feelings arise, they all take place, and it is also important to give yourself the opportunity to experience them so as not to linger in them. In order to move into the future, it is important to let go of the past.

What books will help you get over a divorce

K. Whitaker. "Family in Crisis"
If a person has psychological difficulties, it is worth, first of all, turning to his family history - it is likely that it is there that both the root of the problem and its solution will be found, Carl Whitaker, an American psychiatrist of the middle XX century. Using the example of working with one family, the author introduces us to the basics of the method of therapy developed by him and analyzes the psychological mechanisms of interaction between relatives. This book, written by one of the founders of family therapy, has been a bestseller for more than a quarter of a century.

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A. Kurpatov. “7 real stories. How to survive a divorce»

Using the real stories of seven women as an example, a well-known psychotherapist tells what happens to the psyche during a divorce and how you can help yourself overcome this test quickly and with possible benefit for yourself.

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S. K. Nartova-Bochaver, M. I. Nesmeyanova, N. V. Malyarova, and E. A. Mukhortova. “A Child on a Divorce Carousel”

The authors, a psychologist, sociologist, philosopher and psychotherapist, have created a kind of guide to situations that arise in a family after a divorce, and paid special attention to communication between parents and a child. The book includes non-fiction material, real stories and practical advice to help you make decisions that are right for your family.

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M. Travkova. "Infidelity. Why do loved ones cheat, is it worth forgiving, is it possible to avoid?

Why do people decide to cheat, while realizing that this can hurt another and destroy a marriage? From the book it becomes clear the role of both partners in the occurrence of such situations. The author also gives an answer to the question of what to do if you are faced with this fact.

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Divorce or not? Dealing with a psychologist

Tags: psychology , relationships

How to survive a divorce: 12 tips from personal experience

March 9, 2019RelationshipsColumn

What now seems like a disaster may be the beginning of a new happy story.

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Anna Shalashova

Writer, translator, hedonist from Spain, who she talks about on her Telegram channel.

I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who is nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, and her Spanish dad lives in the USA, in the city of Seattle. Today we called and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for the appearance of Lucia, how we were in love with her and each other when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the Marbella embankment, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago our fellowship was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.

The initiative for divorce was his. However, he hardly justified this decision for himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for existence, but for a decent life - then I simply have no right to kill myself. Therefore, with all my might, I held on and did not sort things out, did not blame and at the same time did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities are through a family lawyer, all intentions are as peaceful as possible. Six months later, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.

It was more difficult when, two years later, he came again to ask for my hand in marriage and did it in front of the child, but I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for many months. It is very difficult to deal with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.

All troubles are behind us. Now the ex-husband is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I tell him - for the fact that he is an excellent dad and explains physics and mathematics best of all.

Easy is rare. Both the initiator and the one who dissolves the marriage against their will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, losing self-control is unacceptable.

There are things that are beyond your control, and even with the most correct behavior will be beyond your sphere of control. In my experience, here are the main points that will help to survive this event with the least losses for both sides.

1. If you have children, try to save your marriage

You will definitely return to this thought and doubt if you do not try everything possible to save the family.

Are you leaving anyway? Stick to the letter of the law and remember that you and your ex-spouse will have to communicate for many years as parents. In general, divorce in a couple with children is not more difficult, but easier: more motivation to behave in a civilized manner, not to lose heart and not become sour.

2. Don't be greedy, but don't be shy either.

Defend your interests calmly and fairly, and don't be guided by resentment and revenge. Remember that life is long. This is the person you chose and loved. Some never have a great love or a wedding in their lives, but you still threw a bouquet and cut a white cake with one knife with this “crazy”, “monster” or as you now call him in conversations with third parties.

3. Do not discuss divorce with everyone

Some people will constantly try to start a conversation with you about what's going on, about your partner, about other divorced couples. Someone will do it without malicious intent, sincerely believing that you need it to talk out and cry.

But you don't need it. You don't want to simmer in this broth from morning to night. Incessant musing will eat you up and weaken you. Live for today. Close the door tighter and don't poke your head in this closet anymore.

4. Keep your dignity

Do not think that after quarrels, fights and scandals you have nothing to lose and you can throw curses or humiliate yourself after. There is always something to lose, especially when it comes to dignity. No matter how damp it is at the bottom of this terrible pit, no matter how strongly the cemetery smelled, and how disgusting the thoughts of continuing life were, do not try to dig the earth and eat worms, get out as soon as possible upstairs.

5. Do not indulge in drunkenness, revelry or binge eating

Do not start smoking, debauchery and squandering, otherwise an emotional and physical collapse will certainly happen. Just imagine that you have already done all this and now you can move on with your life. Only - about happiness! - you avoided a headache, extra pounds and a sense of shame.

6. If it's really bad, go to a good psychotherapist

Only a doctor who has the goal of curing you and is able to achieve this. It is a terrible thing to get caught at such a delicate moment with such a psychologist who will chain you to the couch by digging in childhood and in the past in general. Get bogged down, like in a swamp, and spend money on blocking the beginning of a new life for yourself.

This period is simply over. A new one starts. You don't need all these wanderings along the corridors of the past.

7. Forget the word "analysis" and get down to action

The more creative actions you take, the stronger your position will be and the happier your state. Activity should be varied - we are not looking for sublimation in the form of a fanatical immersion in any one ocean.

Work, study, ride, go in for sports, communicate, read, watch, absorb the energy of new knowledge and skills.

8. Do not sleep with your ex-spouse

This is an error.

9. Do not quarrel with other members of the family

When it suits us (namely, when we are looking for an excuse to allow ourselves to be harsh), we say that life is short. But don't get fooled by this, repeat like a mantra: life is long. Do not scatter people, especially when it comes to grandparents of joint children.

10. Communicate with the opposite sex, but do not rush into a new relationship

Only by becoming for yourself the kind of person with whom you would like to be together, you will be ready for a new story. Your self-esteem should not depend on whether you are alone or in a couple. This is a very important point.

11. If possible, travel

Travel is a great therapy. The best. You can pour some tears into your suitcase, but then go to a new place and enjoy foreign speech, imbibe beauty. Nobody knows you here, you are a writer of a new history. By the collar, pull yourself out of the swamp of thoughts about past joint voyages.

12. Write down your feelings and thoughts

Get a notebook and a good habit of turning the confusion from your head into words. Set yourself a measurable goal: write two pages, 10 minutes each, as you wish. And write everything in a row, you can not literary.

This exercise is sure to bring relief and restore a sense of order. It is possible that it will stay with you for a long time.

Today this whole picture is black, and the shadows are ominous. The ex-wife is a witch, the husband is a werewolf, youth cannot be returned, the future is disgustingly foggy. But just trust me, in 12 months it will all look different.

And after 16 months, something interesting happens: this is the point where many exes want to come back and try again.
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