How to flirt with an introverted guy

The Flirting Styles That Work Best for Introverts

Love and Dating

BySteven Zawila August 14, 2020August 14, 2020

These two flirting styles are better suited to introverts who crave genuine, long-lasting connections.

When I started looking for love, I noticed that one of my friends who always got dates had the opposite personality that I had. He was very extroverted and loved to surround himself with people all the time. When he flirted, he was aggressive and made the conversation overtly sexual very quickly.

That’s not me at all. I’m introverted, and my flirting is reserved and gentle. After watching my friend succeed time and time again while talking to women, I became afraid that I would have to change my personality to be more like his if I ever wanted to get a girlfriend.

I tried to behave more like my extroverted friend. However, I didn’t achieve any success, even though I was basically doing the same thing he was. I also felt like I was acting — not being the real, true me — by going against my personality.

Introvert dating shouldn’t be this hard. What was I doing wrong?

The 5 Styles of Flirting

What comes to mind when people talk about flirting? You probably think of stuff like winking, sideways glances, small touches, and double entendre.

It’s true that these types of signals can be considered flirting. However, these only describe one kind of flirting. In his book, The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want, Dr. Jeffrey Hall identifies five different types of flirting:

Playful: Flirting for fun without any expectations that it will lead to sex or a relationship
Physical: Flirting through body language and sexual communication
Polite: Flirting through proper manners and nonsexual communication
Sincere: Displaying sincere interest in the other person to develop an emotional connection
Traditional: Displaying interest through traditional courtship rituals and behaving in ways that are “gentlemanly” or “ladylike”

(Note: You can take an online test to find out which flirting styles you tend towards here. )

So what’s the problem? A lot of flirting advice is centered on the physical and playful styles. There’s a lot of readily available advice about how to approach someone in a bar or club, or what pickup lines to use, or how to get touchy-feely with someone you’ve just met. These styles work well for people who are looking for short-term romance or who are just trying to have fun.

However, this way of flirting can be unnatural for introverts and highly sensitive people (HSPs). We’re not fans of using the bar and club scene to find love. In general, we care more about having real relationships as opposed to many short-term romances or casual flings. When it comes to sex, we’re usually more interested in doing it with someone we really care about. Since we view sex as something that is mysterious and powerful, many of us “quiet ones” dislike crude or dirty ways of flirting.

Which Flirting Styles Are Right for Introverts?

This is going to vary from one introvert to the next, but many introverts feel most natural (and have the most success) with just two flirting styles:

Hall identifies the “polite” style of flirting as better suited for introverts. About people who are polite flirts, he writes, “They are concerned about their friends and make sure that they are there in their time of need. They are also a bit introverted. Polite flirts don’t need to be the center of attention. In social interactions, they would prefer things to be a bit more controlled and formal.” That sounds a lot like me.
The “sincere” style is also well suited for introverts. We prefer conversing about meaningful topics instead of making idle chitchat. We’re private people, and we tend to only open up to those we fully trust. As people with limited social energy to spend, we look for a chosen few who are worth giving our time and attention to. Thus, this type of flirting coincides well with our nature.

But, this is a personal choice. The “best” way to flirt is the way that will attract the love you desire and be most authentic to yourself.

Some people enjoy flirting for its own sake or are looking to date a lot of people. You might see them in bars using the physical or playful styles — and that’s totally fine. On the other hand, the polite and sincere styles of flirting are more suited for those of us looking for long-term relationships.

How to Flirt Sincerely as an Introvert

Flirting sincerely involves talking to men or women in the way Dale Carnegie writes about in his book, How to Win Friends & Influence People. This means talking in terms of the other person’s interests and listening to them when they talk about themselves. This shows you’re interested in their values, attitudes, experiences, and beliefs. You’re interested in who they are as a person, which can be a real turn-on, especially to a fellow introvert or HSP.

Try to find something they would enjoy telling you about themselves. A great way to do this is by asking open-ended or “why?” questions. When they tell you something about themselves, listen to what they say, then ask follow-up questions based on what they just told you. Or try relating it to yourself.

If they are interested in you, then they would probably like to learn more about you too. Do you have an awesome job? An adventurous story? Have you read something unusual recently? Tell them about it!

When you’re talking to someone you’re interested in, pay attention to their flirting style as well. Try to mirror their style while still being true to your own personality. For example, my extroverted girlfriend took the flirting styles test and her results were playful, physical, polite, and sincere. My own style is sincere and polite. Since we’re both sincere flirts, we both enjoy a deep emotional connection. She is very touchy-feely as well. Even though I’m not normally as touchy-feely as she is, I do make an effort to give her a surprise hug every so often because I know that she appreciates it.

However, if you’re unable to mirror the other person’s flirting style without being authentic, or if your flirting styles are drastically different, then you may want to consider whether or not you are a good love match.

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The Power of Authenticity

So, what was I doing wrong that my extroverted friend was doing right? As it turns out, women could sense that I was being inauthentic, and they were turned off by it. Could the way my extroverted friend hit on women be considered sleazy? No doubt about it! However, he was being honest and I wasn’t. The way he acted made it clear that he’s only interested in casual sex rather than a long-term relationship. His behavior was congruent with his intentions, which appealed to certain women who were also looking for casual sex.

Similarly, I found myself succeeding when I behaved authentically. As an introvert and an HSP, I care more about developing deeper, meaningful romantic connections than I do about short-term flings. And I was able to succeed when I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t.

If you’re interested in more dating advice for introverted men, check out my website www.charmingintrovert.com.

You might like:

Will I Be Single Forever? 6 Introvert Dating Struggles
Here’s the Love Language of Each Introverted Myers-Briggs Type
How to Make Your Introverted Date Feel Comfortable

Steven Zawila

Steven Zawila is an introvert, bookworm, and self-proclaimed master of being silly. He runs the blog Quietly Romantic, which provides authentic dating advice to introverted men about where to meet women, what to say to her, and how to be confident around her. As an INFJ personality type, Steven believes there can always be more love in the world, and he hopes to make this happen through his blog.

3 Go-To Flirting Tips for Introverted Men

If you’re an introvert and the idea of flirting with a stranger seems terrifying, these methods can make it easier.

If you’re an introverted man looking for love, you probably know how it feels to be overwhelmed and anxious about all the pressures piled on you. Today’s dating culture places the onus on men to initiate conversations, make the first move, and set up dates.

As an introverted man who might get tongue-tied talking to anyone, the idea of flirting with someone you just met can seem terrifying. You may worry that you’ll run out of things to say, or you’ll put yourself out there — only to be rejected.

Maybe you’re the “nice guy” who always ends up in the friend zone. Or you’re a people-pleaser, exhausting yourself to make your date happy, only to feel unappreciated and invisible.

I know how you feel! Though I’m not a man, as an introvert coach and the author of The Irresistible Introvert, I’m very familiar with your challenges. And, after working with hundreds of students and 1:1 dating coaching clients, I’ve noticed certain fears coming up again and again:

that you won’t know what to say and things will get awkward
that you’ll be rejected because you’re not flirty and “fun” enough
that you’re not cut out for a relationship because you need so much alone time

That last fear is one of those sneaky subconscious ones that can keep you out of the dating game for years.

So, how do you overcome these fears and connect with your ideal woman or man?

The secret is to create a new experience for yourself, even if that means getting out of your comfort zone. You see, your ancient “lizard brain” — which refers to the oldest part of the brain, the brain stem — wants to keep you safe by recreating what is familiar to you. This is because this part of your brain is mainly concerned with survival. But if you create a new experience — like approaching someone you find attractive when you typically wouldn’t do this — your brain says, “Hey, I survived that!” and you gradually start to get unstuck. And, practice does make perfect.

So why not gift yourself the experience of actually feeling confident, relaxed, and flirty when you’re around someone you like? Here are some introvert flirting tips to help you do just that.

3 Flirting Tips for Introverted Men

1. Talk about emotional topics, like dreams and passions.

We’ve all been in boring conversations that go nowhere. The truth is that certain topics that are OK as small talk won’t create a flirty, romantic spark in conversation. (Besides, we introverts aren’t fans of small talk anyway!)

I mean, when was the last time you got turned on talking about the weather? No judgment if that’s your thing, but for most, talking about the upcoming snowfall isn’t exactly titillating conversation. The same goes for other everyday topics that don’t involve a more personal or emotional element.

Instead of talking about weather, TV shows, or the news, shift the conversation to emotional topics, like dreams, motivations, passions, experiences, and feelings. For example:

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do? (dreams)
What made you want to do that? (motivations)
What do you love to do outside work? (passions)
What was your last travel adventure? (experiences)
How does it feel when you do x? (feelings)

See the difference?

2. Show interest — tell someone you like them without flat-out saying, “I like you.

”

We introverts tend to hide our interest in someone. We’re used to keeping our rich inner world of emotions and fantasies to ourselves, or only sharing them with a select few who “get” us and have earned our trust.

But here’s the thing — we’re not in grade school anymore. Part of flirting is showing that you’re attracted to someone.

Luckily for introverts, there are subtle ways to show your interest, even if you’re shy. If you enjoy someone’s company, let them know how they made you feel by saying something like:

“Wow, I feel so comfortable with you. I really feel like I can be myself.”
“I have so much fun with you. I feel like a kid.”
“I feel good when I’m with you.”

These are all subtle, low-risk ways of saying, “I like you.” (And who doesn’t want to hear that, right?)

And if you haven’t met them in person (yet), there are also ways to clue them in about how you’re feeling. You can show interest via text by sending a playful compliment on one of their recent photos.

For example, if they shared a cooking photo, you could say something like, “That casserole looks amazing! I’m a sucker for a woman/man who can cook, such a turn-on.”

Of course, the level of forwardness in the text depends on the nature of your relationship and how long you’ve been interacting. Generally, you can be more forwardly flirtatious with a Tinder match than a Facebook friend you don’t know well yet.

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3. Get curious about what’s most important to them.

People are mainly concerned with having either their thoughts or feelings cherished — or both (ideally). In this case, to “cherish” means to affirm, listen to, and get curious about what is most important to someone.

This is where your introvert superpowers of intuition and observation come in. Rather than flirting on a superficial level, you create real romance by understanding and affirming what’s most important to the person.

For example, if you’re on a date or chatting online with someone who primarily shares ideas and opinions, they’ll feel more connected to you if you’re genuinely curious and encouraging about their thoughts.

Let’s say they share their thoughts on simulation theory (the proposal that reality is an artificial simulation). Rather than shutting them down or changing the subject, ask them to tell you more — and then truly listen.

On the other hand, if you’re flirting with someone who talks more about relationships and feelings, they’ll expect you to show real empathy and interest in their emotions.

If they tell you they feel sad, instead of rushing to offer solutions, you might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything in particular that’s been making you feel down?”

When you’re able to cherish a person’s thoughts or feelings, you go beyond mindless banter, which introverts tire of quickly, and create a romantic connection.

Transform Your Love Life from the Inside Out

As an introvert, you probably know that flirting tips alone won’t work if you have subconscious blocks and patterns that push love away. That’s why, over the past couple of years, I’ve been working with new, groundbreaking mental reframes, pattern-shifting techniques, and introvert-specific step-by-steps to transform your love life at a deep level. These advanced methods have been creating rapid shifts in my own life and those of my clients.

But I have to be honest, it is impossible to do this work on your own. Whether you lean on the guidance of family, friends, therapists, or online mentors who understand you, support is crucial.

If you’re ready to finally get out of a love rut and create massive shifts in your dating life and relationships, I’d love to be your guide!

I work one-on-one with a select few introverts like you to help them get unstuck and open up to love. Spaces are limited, so if you’re interested in working with me closely, here’s what to do next:

Fill out an application for a complimentary 45-minute Dating Breakthrough Session.
Check your inbox for a response to your application within 48 hours.
During the 30-minute session, we’ll get clear on where you are now and what might be holding you back.

Along the way, I’ll share insights and steps to move forward. It’s a great way to see if we’re a fit for working together.

How to learn to flirt if you are a seasoned introvert

If you are an introvert, then you have probably already noticed that communication skills and flirting in particular are clearly not your forte. And it’s not at all about your shyness or inability to find a common language with others, as others think. It’s just that you are much more comfortable and more interesting with yourself than with other people.

“Introverts can be great conversationalists, they just draw energy not from the outside world, but from themselves. Communication quickly tires them, there is a need to be alone, to recuperate. In addition, introverts are too intellectual in their approach to communication with other people: they reflect a lot, evaluate themselves before saying something. Such behavior does not contribute to spontaneity and ease of communication, as required by the “classic” flirting with the opposite sex,” explains clinical psychologist Alisa Galatz .

Nevertheless, the specialist is sure that the closeness of introverts has its "pluses". For example, it is believed that these people inspire more trust in others, they approach work more responsibly, and perform it better. However, there is also a significant "minus" - the difficulty in making romantic acquaintances.

According to the expert, it is important for introverts that the context of communication is familiar and understandable. And flirting, firstly, often has no specific purpose, and, secondly, it implies a constant change of context, pronounced emotional signals, etc. “That is why playful communication with the opposite sex often causes confusion and even anxiety in introverts. Especially when they suddenly notice how skillfully extroverts flirt. Remember what bewilderment the secretary Verochka cooing with men caused Lyudmila Prokofievna from Office Romance, ”the expert comments.

But don't lose heart. According to the psychologist, even the most "experienced" introverts are able to learn "light", seductive communication. “And for this it is not at all necessary to strive to “break” your nature, to become someone else. It is important to learn how to skillfully use what you already have,” says the psychologist.

Here are some tips to help you start flirting in an "introverted" way with the opposite sex.

Avoid templates

When you think about learning to flirt, you probably immediately think of someone who does it very obviously, for example, a colleague from a neighboring department with a “vulgar” neckline, who is always “defiantly” laughing. "I'd rather die than start doing the way she did!" you think in fear. In fact, you do not need to copy everything that is accepted by extroverts as a flirting standard. “Your behavior should match your personality. And if you start stupidly copying someone's habits or following pickup tips, you will look unnatural or even repulsive. Think about what you are good for, and how you can present it profitably,” recommends Alisa Galats.

Choose a comfortable environment

As we have said, the situation of flirting for an introvert in itself can be very stressful, and if there is a crowd of drunk, screaming people around, then even more so. That is why it is worth taking care to start a playful communication with someone in a comfortable environment, where it will be quiet, calm and not crowded. “It is advisable to choose a situation in which you will feel as confident as possible in your environment. For example, if you have been seriously engaged in bodybuilding for a long time, you can start talking with the man you like in the gym, if you are a “dog lover”, then in the park, if you dance well, then go to a dance evening, etc. , ”the specialist notes .

"Neutralize" the inner critic

According to the expert, many introverts are prone to self-criticism, which prevents them from behaving naturally and naturally. “Closed people are often very picky about themselves - they study their behavior, notice “shortcomings”, then reproach themselves for them, get upset, feel guilty ... This behavior gives them the illusion that they control their behavior and “improve”. In fact, self-blame makes us internally tense and fixated on ourselves, and this is not at all sexual and only interferes with communication, ”explains the expert. The psychologist recommends learning the technique of “neutralizing” the inner critic: “Isolate those negative thoughts that usually torment you. Every time they arise in your head, try to be aware of them, “catch”, and then, as it were, distance yourself from yourself, saying: “My thoughts are not me, they are just thoughts that my brain throws up to me. ” After that, focus on what's really important, like hanging out with a nice guy." This practice will help you take control of your "critic" by freeing up energy for flirting. For example, instead of worrying about “how stupid I look right now,” you can discuss plans for the weekend with the object of passion.

Turn on self-irony

If you can't make fun of others gently or flirt, then try to charm the object of passion with subtle self-irony. “As a rule, many introverts can boast of an excellent ability to be ironic about their shortcomings or features, and this quality is always very captivating to the interlocutor. In addition, it puts you in a safe position, making you less vulnerable: since you boldly notice your shortcomings, it is impossible to prick you with them, ”says Alisa Galats.

Look for common ground

According to the expert, another way to interest the interlocutor is to find your common interests. “Ask more open questions, share your opinion - this way you will quickly discover what will be of interest to both of you,” the expert says.

Listen and notice

“Unlike extroverts, introverts are able to be extremely attentive to the interlocutor and really hear what he says. Use this skill, because sometimes they can be seduced much more than greasy jokes and a deep cleavage, ”the psychologist believes.

5 things introverts will never understand

Introversion and extraversion are personality traits that were originally popularized by Carl Jung.

Often, misunderstandings between people lie on the surface and are based on how comfortable they feel in the world. For example, the same situation may be perceived differently by an extrovert and an introvert. Therefore, it is not necessary to describe with some speculation what is simply unacceptable to another person, due to their perception of the world.

You must understand, however terrible or strange it may seem to you, that your introvert friend has certain taboos. Today Notagram.ru will talk about why you should never be offended by introverts if you offered them any of these activities. After all, introverts are individuals who focus on their internal thoughts and feelings, and not on the search for external stimuli.

5 things that introverts will never understand

Friday or weekend at a regular club

Photo: Anthony DELANOIX/Unsplash

There is an opinion among extroverts that introverts do not like to go out and have fun in the company. It is not true. Introverts just really care about a certain place and mood. It is very difficult for them to merge in an unfamiliar environment into the usual Friday fun, noise and din. Try to find out where your friend is comfortable or where he would prefer to come to relax. And you will be surprised how much your introvert friend can go on a rampage.

A love of long-distance travel

Photo: Guilherme Stecanella/Unsplash

The idea of dealing with airports, train stations and other cities seems to introverts no less terrible than the prospect of some kind of atomic war. It's all about the huge number of external unfamiliar stimuli for perception. This scares introverts, as they don't feel like they're in control of the situation. On the contrary, the prospect of a cozy evening in the countryside with friends, when you are taken and brought, is not a single introvert to miss.

Socializing for fun

Photo: Ben Duchac/Unsplash

Simple socializing for fun for an introvert is like background noise they always avoid. For introverts, the process of any verbal contact is described using two stable states. The first is when an introvert receives or transmits some specific information. The second is when an introvert shares his emotions and experiences purely with those who share his views. For example, a dinner chat about football, or a discussion of the series in a sorority club.

Those who talk a lot on the phone

Photo: Andrik Langfield / Unsplash

As we said above, information is important for introverts in communication, not emotions. That is why they love WhatsApp, Telegram and Viber so much. Where everything is clear, concise and to the point. It is more acceptable for them to communicate in short messages than to exchange pleasantries, news or gossip with each other for half an hour. Just know that if you're on the phone with an introvert for more than five minutes, your friend is already in a semi-conscious state on the other end.

Flirting with the opposite sex

Photo: Michael Discenza/Unsplash

Do you remember the bearded anecdote where you wonder why all women watch "strawberry" to the end? So are introverts, they all think that any communication with the opposite sex should almost end in a wedding.

Learn more