How to get unattached
How to Tell It’s Time to Let Go of That Relationship I Psych Central
Whether it’s a complicated romantic relationship or a toxic one with family, there are times you just have to let go.
We’ve all experienced relationships that felt too involved or emotionally draining. These unhealthy relationships can be draining both mentally and physically.
Sometimes, detaching from them is the best way to take care of your mental health and well-being.
There are several reasons you may need to detach from a relationship.
If there’s physical or verbal abuse, if the relationship is causing you undue stress and anxiety, if you’ve noticed a change in your mood when around that person — these are just some of the reasons why it may be time to consider detaching yourself emotionally from that relationship.
But whatever the reason, understanding why you need to detach and how to do it can help you move on in a way that’s best for you.
There are a couple of ways to think about detachment.
It can mean avoiding certain people or situations that are causing you stress or anxiety, which can sometimes lead to “emotional numbing,” or the dampening of emotions.
Or, it can mean building and maintaining boundaries to preserve your mental health. By setting clear boundaries in your relationships, you can avoid the feelings of stress, anger, resentment, and disappointment that often build up when limits are pushed or ignored.
Now that you have a better idea of what emotional detachment is, it’s also a good idea to understand what detachment is not.
It doesn’t mean that you aren’t able to feel or that you lack emotions, nor does it mean you lack empathy. While emotional detachment can be a symptom of depression, voluntary detachment isn’t an indication that you have depression.
Rather, it’s about building healthy boundaries to make your expectations clear and establish what behavior is comfortable for you and what is not.
While some people view voluntary detachment as “rude” or “unfeeling,” that’s rarely the intention of the person detaching from the relationship.
There are several reasons why people may feel they need to emotionally detach from a relationship — whether that’s an intimate relationship or a complicated family one.
Some of those reasons include:
- past experiences (neglect, abuse, or trauma)
- personal choice
- medication use, such as antidepressants
- other mental health conditions, such as PTSD, depression, or a personality disorder
When deciding whether to detach from a relationship, identifying your reasons for detaching can be helpful in your decision making.
If you can’t figure out why you’re detaching, consider reaching out to a healthcare or mental health professional. Talking with someone may help you determine why you’re doing it and how to do it in a way that’s best for you.
Detaching from a relationship doesn’t mean you’re abandoning that person or that you’ve stopped caring about them.
It can mean taking a step back to evaluate how that relationship is affecting you and your mental health.
Do you obsessively worry about that person all the time? Do you try to rescue them from making choices you don’t feel are healthy?
Do you feel that you have to tell them what to do all the time? Does that person do the same to you?
Taking responsibility for another person’s actions and behaviors can be tiring and overwhelming at times. In the same way, having another person trying to tell you how to act and behave can be equally frustrating.
Detaching can give you the emotional space you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, caring too much about another person’s life and problems can have a negative impact on your own emotional and physical health.
You may start to have headaches, lose sleep, or be more irritable. Excessive worry can lead to anxiety, fear, or panic.
So, when do you know it’s time to let go?
When your health depends on someone else’s actions and behaviors, it may be time to consider letting them go.
Now that you’ve made the decision that it’s time to let someone go, how do you actually do it? Here are some things you can try.
Identify the reason
Ask yourself why you’re now deciding to detach from the relationship. Having a solid reason to let go is important.
Without a strong reason, you may cave in and stay in the relationship. When identifying the reason you want to get out of the relationship, try to focus on the things that are progressive, rather than one-off issues.
For example, try to focus on the fact that your feelings for that person have changed over time, not that you got in your first fight.
Release your emotions
Releasing the emotion you feel about getting out of a difficult relationship is an important step in the process.
Whether you choose to cry, dance, or take a kickboxing class, it’s a good idea to release these emotions rather than bottle them up. By having an outlet for these emotions, you’ll be able to release the tension and avoid saying something you’ll regret.
Don’t react, respond
When leaving a relationship, there will inevitably be a difficult conversation.
During that conversation, the other person may say something that causes you to have a reaction. Reaction is a split-second decision and often can lead to regret.
Instead, take a deep breath and respond thoughtfully. By allowing the other person some space in the conversation and letting yourself take a moment to think more clearly, it’ll be a more productive conversation.
Start small
Just like smoking, quitting a relationship cold turkey can be painful and a shock to your system.
In some cases, you might consider starting small, slowly removing yourself a little at a time.
For example, start by one day deleting pictures of the two of you. Another day, delete their old messages. As you gently let go, your emotions will stay in check.
In other cases — like if the relationship is traumatic or involves domestic abuse or mistreatment — moving slowly may make things worse and cause more distress. Consider talking about next steps with a professional who specializes in these types of relationships.
Keep a journal
As you let go of a relationship, you’ll feel some big emotions. While it can be difficult to talk about them with other people, it can be helpful to work through your emotions in some way.
A journal can be a great way to process your feelings in a healthy, cathartic way.
Meditate
Meditating can train your awareness and attention, which can be especially helpful during a highly emotional break-up.
Meditation can also increase your focus, reduce your stress, encourage calm, and help reduce negative feelings.
Be patient with yourself
Walking away from a relationship that was important to you can be challenging. So, try to give yourself some grace and patience to move on.
Remember that you can learn how to have healthy attachments. It’s all a process, and you can enjoy the journey along the way.
Look forward
If you’re focused on looking at what your relationship used to be like, it will be increasingly difficult to walk away from it.
It’s natural to look back and see only the best in a person or a relationship.
But looking back will leave you stuck in the relationship.
Instead, look to the future. Think about your future happiness, rather than glorify the past.
If you’re in an unhealthy romantic relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, there are some additional steps you may want to take.
Try to avoid sexual contact
Try to stop all sexual contact with the person you’re leaving. Sexual contact can strengthen your attachment and make it nearly impossible to successfully leave the relationship.
Try to stay away from alcohol or drugs
As tempting as it might be to temporarily forget about the pain and work of leaving a relationship, alcohol and drugs provide only temporary forgetfulness of the problem.
They won’t solve the issues and can actually be more harmful, as they can contribute to your attachment to the relationship.
Instead of looking for an escape in alcohol or drugs, try to face your feelings and the relationship head-on.
Consider joining a support group
Remember that you’re not alone. There are support groups available where you can share your experiences with others who’ve been in your shoes.
By joining a support group, you’ll connect with a group of people who know what it’s like to escape these types of relationships and can offer guidance and support during your journey.
If an in-person support group is too overwhelming for you, consider a virtual one.
Consider asking for help
Having the support of loved ones can play a role in you successfully leaving an unhealthy or harmful relationship.
Consider asking people you trust for their support and love during this challenging time. Explain that you might need them more during the coming months and communicate your challenges.
Remember: They love you and want to help.
If you’ve experienced an unhealthy relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, seeking help from a licensed mental health professional can be beneficial to your mental health.
It will allow you to process your experience and come out the other side stronger and more able to form healthy attachments in the future.
If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, consider that it may be time to let that relationship go.
This, of course, is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s hard to leave because you’re so entwined with that person, and sometimes it’s hard to leave because the other person doesn’t want to let you go.
Remember that detaching doesn’t mean you’re cruel or selfish.
When it comes to your emotional health, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your overall well-being.
How To Detach From Someone: Advice From Therapists
What it means to detach from someone.
To detach from someone means becoming less attached to their behavior and feelings, reevaluating your perception of your connection to them, and adjusting the level of emotional investment you have with them to a place where it feels manageable.
"Emotionally detaching from someone involves taking a step back from your relationship," licensed psychologist Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., tells mbg. "Perhaps this person (a friend or family member) was once a treasured member of your inner circle, but you've learned that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. By beginning to see this person differently, it allows you to detach—that is, to put less weight on that person's behavior toward you."
According to licensed clinical social worker Noelle McWard, LCSW, being detached means choosing not to engage with that person's behavior and no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally pulled into reacting to it.
"Detachment is a re-centering of your attention and energy on yourself, not the other person," she tells mbg. "When you place your energy and focus back on yourself rather than on trying to control the other person's behaviors and attitudes, you are in a better position to make better decisions about how it is best for you to engage in the relationship.
"
She notes learning to detach takes conscious intention and practice, which is possible, although it's a difficult skill to master because humans are wired for attachment. That said, she adds, "There is a saying to 'detach with love.' This means that I can love you from afar or in close proximity, but [I] won't engage with the parts that are hurtful to me."
When to choose detachment.
Before choosing emotional detachment, understanding emotional attachment—and how it differs from emotional detachment—may be useful.
McWard defines emotional attachment as the goal for all human relationships. It's a feeling of closeness and connection in relationship with others. When you're in a happy and secure attachment, you feel safe in the relationship.
On the other hand, she says unhealthy attachment can manifest in the form of anxious attachment (feelings of insecurity triggered by the other person's needs and wants, marked by intense fears of abandonment or betrayal) or avoidant attachment (feelings of overwhelm by the other person's needs and wants, marked with a desire to withdraw from the connection).
As a counter, detachment is about working with the relationship and accepting it for what it is instead of working on the relationship and hoping for change.
You can sense it's time to detach from someone when, instead of feeling emotionally regulated around them, you now feel anxious, emotionally drained, and exhausted—all signs you need to take care of your mental health. After you've expressed that their behavior or attitudes have negatively affected you and there's been little to no change, then your only option is to focus on taking care of your well-being within the context of that relationship. This happens by choosing to consciously detach from the person.
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Signs it's time to detach.
Below, McWard shares some key indicators that means it's time to detach:
- You're noticing that a disproportionate amount of your mental and emotional energy is being depleted when you focus on what they are doing, saying, thinking, or feeling.
- You feel overwhelmingly drained or emotionally reactive to their behavior.
- You have repeatedly addressed an issue or concern, and you feel like you are being ignored, dismissed, or made promises that are routinely not kept.
- Certain issues in the relationship feel stuck, like there's no resolution or path forward.
- You feel like you're constantly assuming responsibility for their behaviors, which makes the relationship feel frustrating and tiresome.
- The connection has taken on an obsessive quality, and it feels overwhelmingly more negative than positive.
- You feel less happy around them and more worried, sapped, and anxious.
- You realize that it's highly unlikely they will change specific behaviors that make you upset or fundamentally clash with who you are as a person.
- You're starting to assume the worst in their behavior and how they will interact with you.
- Being around them has become toxic or unhealthy in a way that brings out your worst self.
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How to detach from someone.
While you're untangling the parts of yourself that could be affected from the relationship, know that detachment doesn't have to be done in anger, resentment, hostility, or even involve the other person—especially if past communications haven't addressed your concerns.
Napolitano notes emotional detachment has similar, nuanced roots to the so-called quiet quitting phenomenon. "In quiet quitting, you are not alerting your boss that you are doing less work, but you [are stepping] back from the stress and pace of the job. It is very powerful to change your approach to a job or a relationship without making a pronouncement about your decision," she says. This allows you to intentionally pull away while protecting your space versus needing to leave the situation or banish them from your life forever.
Ahead, here are some tips to keep in mind as you begin to detach from someone in your life:
1.
Explore your options thoughtfully.
Before reaching the point of emotional detachment, communication is an essential step to determine your course of action. Talk to the person in question, your friends, or a therapist about how the relationship is affecting you.
"Getting feedback from others will help you to ensure that you are making the best decision for your well-being as opposed to impulsively cutting someone out of your life," Napolitano says.
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2.
Redefine your relationship to what works for you.
If you do decide it's time to detach, work on negotiating your emotional and physical availability to a place where you can still share space with them without compromising your boundaries.
Emotional detachment will look like being less accessible. "[It'll look like] not getting together as frequently, not responding to outreach as quickly, not taking the 'bait' if you feel triggered by this person's behavior.
It's a slow process of moving someone from your inner circle to more of an acquaintance," Napolitano says.
3.
Remove them from an emotional pedestal.
If you're looking to detach from someone you love like an ex-spouse, favorite sibling, or best friend, it'll be a painful process—but remember that distancing can still be done with affection.
Napolitano recommends holding them and your past beloved memories with tenderness while also understanding they may now have a different set of behaviors and values that no longer match up with your own. Bringing objectivity to the way you view them allows them to still be in your life, although their presence doesn't have to loom large in your life.
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4.
Put up a barrier so you can keep living your life.
Emotional detachment can also look like "putting someone or something in a space or container in which you don't feel the need to react to what they are doing or who they are," McWard says.
"It is the ability to maintain that you can still be OK and do the things that you need to do in your life, your job, etc., in spite of what the other person is doing."
The emotional barrier acts as a buffer to add room to the relationship so it can expand to a place where you can actually interact with the parts of them that do not cause you anxiety or judgment.
5.
Feel your emotions.
Maybe you're looking to get over a breakup, an unrequited crush, or a Hinge hookup that you still see around. Don't diminish your feelings by not allowing yourself to be sad. It's normal to be disappointed, and the longer you deny your feelings, the longer you'll keep thinking about them.
Let yourself grieve that it couldn't work out, and reframe the connection so you can still talk to them without feeling knocked off balance. That could look like texting them about your problems less, not hanging out as much, and restricting how often you see them on social media.
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6.
Limit the relationship to what you have in common.
Maybe you're looking to emotionally disconnect from a toxic co-worker who wants to get you involved with workplace drama. With individuals whom you are forced to interact with on a regular basis, McWard suggests focusing only on the aspects of the relationship that pertain to those common interests or responsibilities.
For other matters, "emotionally create a buffer between yourself and the other person around anything else. Your focus stays firmly rooted only on doing your job and doing it well, and you let go of giving attention or energy to the other person and what they are or are not doing," she says.
7.
Focus on what you can control.
"This will be different for each person in each situation. It may mean that you recognize that the choices that someone else makes or their actions are not your responsibility or do not require your approval," McWard says. "This may mean that you no longer engage in certain aspects of the relationship because doing so is hurtful or harmful to you in some way.
"
She notes this could look like having boundaries around topics you will or will not discuss, withdrawing the need from wanting a particular outcome from them, or reducing how open and vulnerable you choose to be with them. It may also look like limiting contact within the relationship. "But in all possible iterations of this, the focus is on you and taking care of yourself, not on changing anything about the other person," she says.
8.
Reset your expectations realistically.
When you're looking for something in the relationship that you have historically not received from them, McWard says emotional detachment can look like no longer hoping, expecting, or desiring that response or engagement. "I describe this as no longer going to the hardware store hoping to buy bread and milk," she says.
9.
Love them from afar.
"If you have a family member whose behavior is toxic (perhaps they're abusing alcohol, maybe they have radically different politics than you do, etc.
), you may have found yourself arguing with this person over the years. Perhaps you've even pleaded with them to change their behavior," Napolitano says. "Emotional detachment involves realizing that this person is unlikely to change quickly and that it's better to love this person from afar than to get sucked into a pattern of fighting with this person."
If you see them every day, they don't have to know you are detaching since it can be conveyed with a subtle, nonverbal shift in attitude.
McWard adds that you can still hold the other person in your mind and heart with good thoughts and wishes while maintaining distance. "It is a way that you can hold care for them without having to be directly involved with them."
FAQ
How do you detach from someone you talk to every day?
Avoid hot-button topics or conversations that may bring you conflict or re-instigate feelings you're trying to release. You can still appreciate them for who they are while understanding there are things that you can't change about how they think or how they feel about you.
Keep conversations light and cordial.
How do you detach from someone you like?
Minimize contact in their life so they are no longer the first person you go to or the first person you think about. This can look like removing them from social media, reaching out to them less, not depending on them for your romantic emotions, and reducing communications to platonic interactions only.
How do you detach from someone without them knowing?
You can keep the relationship the same, for the most part. The only thing changing is you are actively divesting from the parts of the relationship that bring you anguish or negativity. In some instances, it may even make the relationship better to see each other realistically and no longer hold each other to unrealistic standards.
The takeaway.
In our relationships, we want to be honest and embody our best selves. With emotional detachment, you don't always have to strive to embody that version of yourself with all the people in your life, and that's perfectly OK.
Not all relationships require you to take the higher action. After all, it takes two people to effect change.
Sometimes, it's healthier to focus on yourself and what you can control as a form of self-care. Learning emotional detachment is learning how to be discerning enough to understand which people are able to put in the work to nurture a growth-oriented relationship and which people aren't able to do that. If this connection is starting to negatively impact you, it's worth putting in some emotional distance so they can still be a part of your life.
The Gift of Detachment in Relationships
"True love begins when you expect nothing in return" - Tit Nath Khan.
Author Kluber To read 7 min. Views 3.7k. Posted by
“True love begins when you expect nothing in return” , —
Tit Nat Khan.
Healthy relationships do not fall on us suddenly and accidentally, they are always a conscious choice.
Lack of affection goes well with love. After all, it is not about giving up anything, but about changing what we expect from a given relationship.
No matter how spiritual or developed we are, any relationship awakens in us the dark side of our personality, and indicates what we must do to overcome the consequences of the wounds inflicted on our soul in childhood.
Being unattached in love does not mean that you have to give up this person or love him.
It just means that we should not be attached to whatever expectations or desired outcome that many people, for some inexplicable reason, use to judge the success of a relationship.
It seems like there is a relationship template that we all need to adhere to so that society doesn't look down on us. We meet, we kiss, we talk, we spend more and more time together, we say “I love you” to each other, we get to know each other’s parents, we move in together, and somewhere ahead, an engagement ring is already looming.
This has nothing to do with the lack of affection in love, but it says a lot about how inclined we are to follow the plans that are set for us - and often quite stereotyped and limited.
In order to ensure that our love is free from attachments (if, of course, this is what we achieve), then first of all we must work on ourselves, and on what causes certain reactions in us.
It is extremely difficult for us as people to adequately perceive unfinished business and uncertain or incomprehensible situations. Many of us always want to know where and in what situation they are in order to set the rules of the game for ourselves in advance, and in the future to play only in accordance with them.
And that's why we cut off most types and types of love from ourselves - except for the familiar and comfortable, rolling forward along pre-laid rails.
Love in a non-attachment relationship doesn't mean that we don't care what the person we love does or that we can't hurt each other with words or deeds, but that we love each other enough to let our relationships speak for themselves, instead of playing a socially acceptable spectacle, hiding their true faces behind masks.
By learning to manage our own expectations, we learn to manage how we perceive our world.
If we start new romantic relationships without poisoning them with pre-idealized thoughts about what they might become over time, if we are very, very lucky, then we will give ourselves a chance for the best.
We will allow these relationships to develop naturally and smoothly, rather than pushing them into the predetermined boundaries we use to define love.
Non-attachment in love means that we love our significant other for who he or she is, not because we expect him or her to love us back.
Non-attachment in love means that we want to enjoy as many pleasant moments as possible with our life partner, because we have no guarantee that we will be able to do this for the rest of our days - there is only hope for it.
Non-attachment in love only means that both we and our partner can love each other freely, without hiding, and without shackling each other with unbearable shackles.
That we can turn around and leave at any moment, but we stay together because we love each other, and not because we have to meet some expectations, patterns or deadlines.
Yes, of course, love without attachment can be unusual and frightening for us.
In order to truly love someone in this way, we must first see the wounds in our soul, we must call them by name and understand how we can heal them. Our fear of being alone with ourselves, the fear of betrayal, indifference ... In a word, everything that we, thanks to the society in which we find ourselves, are accustomed to expect from our personal relationships almost from birth.
And when we learn to do it ourselves, without outside help, then our difficulties will not disappear at all, as if by magic, but it will become much easier for us to overcome them. We will understand the meaning of non-attachment. We realize that most of our emotions are related not to other people, but to ourselves.
One of my deepest emotional wounds is the fear of being alone, the fear of being abandoned… This fear has stayed with me for a very long time, almost since childhood, because everyone around me told me over and over again that sooner or later everyone men leave women.
And before I healed this aspect of my psyche, I poured streams of fear and anxiety on any man who appeared in my life, based not even on his actions, but only on the fact that he might act in an unacceptable way for me.
But now when I face this irrational fear, see it for what it really is - my reaction to it is completely different and I no longer push people away just because of what they might do... and they may not.
I no longer seek to find someone who will heal me, cheer me up, or confirm my worth in this world, because I can do it all myself.
No matter where my path in life takes me, some events still cause me an involuntary negative reaction, but now when it happens, I just smile because I know that I can overcome it and rise to the next level lack of attachment.
Lack of attachment does not mean that we give up our life partners. We don't even give up on all our expectations. To give up all this completely is to give up, and to step back from all the changes for the better and work on ourselves that we can achieve through our personal relationships.
Non-attachment means that we make a decision to love consciously and truly. That we go with our partner in life together whenever possible, but with all this we are happy not only together, but also separately.
This means that we should respect our partner's path in life as much as we do, that in unattached love we should not force him to do anything. Especially for love. Believe me, none of us can force someone to love us by force, even if we want to, and no one can stop this if it happens.
When we can finally treat love as a gift that we give to a loved one, whether he accepts or rejects it, we will fully understand what it is to love and care for each other, and that these concepts lie completely apart from our own needs and "wishlists".
Non-attachment in love means that we accept and acknowledge our feelings for another person, regardless of actions, decisions or outcomes. Perhaps this is the truest type of love.
“The meaning of our life path is to be more involved in life and at the same time less attached to it”, –
Ram Dass.
Translation of the article The Gift of being Unattached in Relationships. via Kluber
Detachment, Nonviolence, and Compassion — Study Buddhism
What does "dispassion" mean?
The Buddhist concept of dispassion, or non-attachment, is slightly different from the meaning of this word in English. Dispassion in Buddhism is associated with renunciation. But this English word is also misleading, as it implies that we must give up everything and go to live in a cave. We know people like Milarepa who renounced all worldly things and really lived in a cave, but what they did is denoted by a different word than the one that is translated as "renunciation" or "dispassion". The word, which is translated from Tibetan as "renunciation", means "determination for liberation". We are determined: “I must get rid of my problems and difficulties.
My mind is completely focused on this." We want to get rid of our ego games because we are determined to get rid of all the problems they cause. This does not mean that we need to give up a cozy home or things that we enjoy. Rather, we are trying to put an end to the problems that arise in relation to these objects. This is what leads us to dispassion.
Being dispassionate does not mean that we cannot enjoy things or people. It means our understanding that a strong attachment to an object or person causes problems. We get addicted and think, "If I lose this or can't have it forever, I'll be miserable." Dispassion can be expressed as follows: “If I have my favorite food, fine. If it doesn't, it's fine. It's not the end of the world." There is no attachment or clinging in it.
In modern psychology, the word attachment has a positive connotation in certain contexts. This may, for example, refer to the bond between a child and parents. Psychologists say that if a child is deprived of this connection in the early period of life, then later there will be difficulties in his development.
Again, it is difficult to find a suitable English word to convey the Buddhist meaning of the term due to the special meaning of attachment in Buddhism. When Buddhism talks about developing dispassionateness, it doesn't mean that we don't want to develop an affectionate bond with the child. Dispassion means moving away from craving things or people and clinging to them.
Is there a difference between dispassionate action and moral action?
Before answering, I would like to digress a little. I prefer to say not "virtuous", but "creative". "Virtuous" and "non-virtuous" imply making a moral judgment, which is not supposed in Buddhism. There is no place for moral judgment, just as there is no reward or punishment. Rather, some actions are constructive and others are destructive. Killing is destructive. Violence against family members is destructive. Everyone agrees. It does not involve making a moral judgment. If we are kind and willing to help others, it is very creative and positive.
When we help others, we can either do it out of affection or dispassionately. Helping others out of affection means, “I will help you because I want you to love me. I want to feel needed." We would say that this action is positive, but the motivation is not perfect.
Speaking of karma, we have distinguished between motivation and action. We can take positive actions based on the worst motivation. A positive action will bring a feeling of happiness, while a bad motivation will bring suffering as a result. The opposite is also possible. For example, we can hit a child to save his life - while our motivation will be positive. Or if your little son is ready to jump out onto the road, and you only gently warn him: “Honey, don’t run out into the road,” this will not stop him. If we grab him and slap him in the soft spot, he may get offended and cry, so this action will have a small negative effect. However, the motivation will be positive, and the happy outcome will be much more than that small negative effect, since his life will be saved.
In addition, later the child will appreciate that we took care of him.
The same is true for constructive actions: they can be motivated by dispassion (which is always better), but they can also be done out of attachment.
Does compassion always mean that we should be passive and yielding? Or is violent methods of influence still sometimes permissible?
Compassion should not be stupid when we give everyone what they want. If a drunkard wants vodka, and a murderer wants weapons, then the fulfillment of their desires, of course, will not be compassion. Compassion and generosity must be combined with discernment and wisdom.
Sometimes it is necessary to act by force: to punish a child or to prevent a tragic development of events. Whenever possible, it is best to act non-violently to prevent or correct a dangerous situation. However, if such measures are ineffective and we see that the only way to avoid trouble is to act by force, then our decision not to use this method will mean unwillingness to help.
And yet we must act in such a way as to try not to cause great harm to anyone.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama was asked a similar question and gave the following example. A person approaches a river that cannot be crossed with the intention of crossing it. The two people watching him know that to enter this river is to drown. One looks on serenely and does nothing; he thinks he shouldn't use force, so he decides not to interfere. Another shouts that it is impossible to enter the river, as the current is very dangerous. The man replies that he does not care and he is determined to swim across the river. They argue, and finally, in order to save the unfortunate swimmer from a deadly attempt, the one on the shore deprives the swimmer of consciousness with a strong blow. In this case, the observer, who sits on the shore and waits for the person to enter the water and drown, commits a cruel, violent act. The one who saves a person from death, even at the cost of violence, will be a non-cruel, compassionate person.
