How to make an avoidant love you

21 Ways to Increase Intimacy and Communication with Avoidant Partners

Avoidant partners tend to create distance and have trouble with communication in romantic relationships. This can make their partners feel frustrated, hurt, confused, or abandoned.

Relationships of any kind take work and compromise — and having an avoidant partner can bring a specific set of challenges.

People may show avoidance behaviors in a relationship for many reasons. They often date back to a person’s early relationship dynamics and attachment style.

Avoidant attachment may come from having strict, emotionally distant, neglectful, or dismissive caregivers. This can lead to the person having trouble with physical and emotional intimacy.

Though avoidant partners might not seem as emotionally available or connected as others, their emotions and need for connection are often the same as anyone else. With some understanding and support, it’s possible for avoidant partners to open up and create greater emotional intimacy.

We spoke with relationship experts to learn about ways you can increase your connection with an avoidant partner.

Change is possible, but it may not happen overnight.

Your partner has learned that being avoidant is necessary for their survival, says Dr. Heather Ambrose, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

“It is important to give them time to learn how to express themselves in ways that have not been safe for them to do so before,” she says.

Your avoidant partner might have some different values and thought processes than you. Understanding their perspective can help you meet in the middle.

If possible, try to accept your partner as they are. When they feel safe to be themselves, you will find that your ability to communicate and the level of intimacy will increase, says Ambrose.

If your partner comes from a culture where they don’t share feelings, your partner may express feelings in other ways — and that’s OK. Ask how they would like you to convey your feelings to them, says Ambrose.

You may also find it helpful to learn each other’s love language, as they may place different amounts of value to you on the following types of connection:

words of affirmation
quality time
physical touch
acts of service or practical support
receiving gifts

As children, avoidant partners likely had to learn how to be seen as less “needy” in order to keep caregivers around, says Dr. Krista Jordan, a national board certified psychologist who specializes in attachment in Austin, Texas.

As such, your partner may not put their needs out there, and they may get confused when you do, she says. “In their world, people are supposed to take care of themselves. They generally enjoy other people and like to date, but they don’t understand the idea of mutual dependency.”

With this knowledge, you can try to widen your support network and self-soothe at times.

It can be frustrating when you don’t feel validated or supported. With that said, try to avoid the temptation to control their behaviors to get your needs met, as it could backfire.

“Avoidant partners also have a tendency to be sensitive around feeling controlled by others because they are used to so much independence,” says Jordan.

Healthy boundaries are the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

Avoidant partners often require some alone time each day, which may be a source of shame. If you beat them to it and offer the time alone first, it can help them feel more accepted, says Jordan.

“For example, saying ‘hey, why don’t you spend some time in the park after dinner and I will go do my own thing for a bit’ can make them feel validated for their solitary leanings,” she says.

Avoidant partners may have spent much of their childhood alone, so they may get lost in their work, projects, or hobbies, says Jordan. “When you pop in and start conversing, it can take them a minute to recalibrate. You may see them startle or look annoyed.”

Jordan says you may find it helpful to:

avoid calling their name from another room
avoid interrupting them in the middle of a flow
give them a transition period from being alone to being social

If possible, try to avoid pushing your partner into doing something they are not comfortable with, says Ambrose.

“If they don’t want to engage in social activities with others, do not try to force them to do so,” she says. “Offer them the choice to participate and provide them with an opportunity for escape if they find themselves becoming uncomfortable.”

Physical affection and sex may be different with an avoidant partner.

Some avoidant partners may be sensitive about physical touch. They may not enjoy long hugs or feel unsure about frequent contact, explains Jordan.

Let them know that you realize that they have different preferences, she says. “Then tell them that you want to find a compromise so that you can feel connected some of the time through touch, but also so they can feel comfortable in their own skin and not feel overwhelmed. ”

An avoidant partner may have a typical sex drive while you’re dating, but they sometimes lose interest over time and prefer time alone, says Jordan. It can help to talk with your partner about your own preferences around sex so that you can understand one another better.

There may be times when your partner is not sexually, physically, or emotionally available. Try to take a deep breath and remember that this isn’t because of you.

“If you take their tendencies personally and accuse them of not caring about you, they will invariably feel shame and need to distance from you.”

Effective communication is the key to better relationships.

If possible, try to state how you feel without being accusatory. “When you take ownership of how you are feeling or what you are experiencing, it takes the blame away from your partner,” says Ambrose.

An example of an I statement would be “I felt hurt and unimportant when I didn’t receive a response,” compared with “you hurt me and made me feel unimportant when you didn’t respond. ”

Try to talk about issues when you are not engaged in an argument. It’s much easier to address issues when both of you are calm, says Ambrose.

Compliment your partner when they do something you like, and try to avoid criticism, says Ambrose. “Complaints focus on specific behaviors, whereas criticism cuts to the core of who your partner is as an individual,” she explains.

Asking your partner to start doing something will have a more positive interaction than asking them to stop, says Ambrose. “If you want them to stop doing something, state what you would like them to be doing instead.”

For example, instead of criticizing them for indecision around restaurant choices, you might say, “I love when you pick out the restaurant we go to.”

Your avoidant partner may have a hard time with emotional conversations. When you talk about feelings, they may get overwhelmed, says Jordan.

You may find it helpful to wrap up, she says, if you notice:

anxiety or stress
“checked out” facial expressions
zoning out

“Ask to continue the conversation a bit later so that you can get your needs across,” explains Jordan. “Continuing to talk to an avoidant person after they have hit their limit is pointless and triggers their fear of being held captive and dominated.”

Avoidant partners often see issues as a win-or-lose situation. Try to remind them that compromise is possible, says Jordan. “That helps them know that there is room for their perspective in the interaction.”

For example, you might say “I would like to hold hands in public, but I realize we may need to compromise.”

When your partner chooses to express their feelings, validate them, says Ambrose. “You do not need to agree with how they feel, but you do need to accept that their feelings are okay and just as valid as yours.”

Your avoidant partner may not articulate their needs for fear of looking needy, says Jordan. “Probing a little bit and making sure that they are telling you what they really want can help them feel loved for who they are.”

For example, you might ask “Is this movie really OK with you? I want you to be happy and not feel like you gave in. ”

If your partner has avoidant tendencies or avoidant personality disorder, you don’t have to do this alone.

Couples counseling can really be beneficial, says Ambrose. “Not only could it assist you and your partner with increasing intimacy and improving communication, but it can also help in understanding each other’s perspectives and experiences.”

You may find it helpful to use Psych Central’s How to Find Mental Health Support resource to find a couple’s therapist.

It can often be helpful to explore relationship patterns experienced in your families of origin in order to change them in your current relationship, says Ambrose.

You may find it helpful to learn about your attachment style in the book, “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Avoidant partners behave in ways that make them feel safe, often stemming from childhood. While these behaviors are hard-wired, change and compromise are possible with time, patience, and support.

You may find it helpful to work toward accepting your partner as they are, communicating your needs gently, working with a couple’s therapist, and learning about your own attachment style.

How to make an avoidant love you

Avoidant attachment style is a type of insecure attachment where a person feels insecure in close relationships.

An avoidant tries to create distance in their close relationships. Since relationships are all about bonding and closeness, this upsets and frustrates their partner.

Avoidants, like all human beings, have a biological need for connection. But their childhood experiences have shaped them in a way that makes them avoid relationships.

Often, children who were physically and emotionally neglected by caregivers grow up to become avoidants.

Avoidants were left to fend for themselves from a young age. They have a strong need for independence. They believe needing someone means being weak. They don’t understand the concept of interdependence.

Avoidants are constantly in survival mode. They’re hypervigilant and keep scanning their social environment for threats. This makes them perceive threats where there are none, and they’re easily triggered.

Why do humans bond at all?

If your partner is an avoidant, before trying to make them love you, you have to remember why humans love at all.

Simply put, we love those who meet our needs.

A relationship is a win-win contract. If both parties entering a relationship can’t see how they can ‘win’, they wouldn’t enter it in the first place.

This means if you want to make an avoidant love you, you have to:

Understand their needs
Meet their needs

Different attachment types have different needs and expectations from their relationships. This is the primary cause of relational friction and conflict. Once you understand an avoidant’s needs, you can not only reduce conflict but also lay the path for a more secure relationship.

Making an avoidant love you

Based on the needs of avoidants, following are the things you can do to make them love you:

1. Make them feel emotionally safe

Avoidants fear expressing their emotions because they fear getting invalidated and shut down. If an avoidant shares their feelings with you, it’s an excellent opportunity to bond with them.

Listen to them, validate their feelings, and make them feel like they express anything they feel like expressing.

2. Communicate clearly

Since avoidants are immersed in themselves, they can easily forget your needs. They believe everyone should take care of themselves.

It’s not that they don’t care about you. They’re too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you. When the time comes to show you love and care, they will.

Do not take it personally when they need time and space for themselves.

You must state your needs clearly and often. The clearer you can get about what you want from them, the more they’ll meet your needs. And they’ll love you for being so clear and direct.

3. Give them space

The easiest way to suffocate an avoidant is to take their space.

Avoidants can defend their space like gladiators. They’ll get very defensive if you continuously interrupt them or invade their space.

While for you, it may be easy to transition from being alone to being social, avoidants need time to make that transition. It’s like crossing a bridge between two worlds for them- like going into another dimension.

Again, it’s not that they love you any less. They just need to be in the right frame of mind when they’re with you. They need to make space for you. Let them do that.

4. Don’t be controlling

Since avoidants are hyper-independent, any sign of controlling behavior from you can be highly triggering for them.

If you’ve been with an avoidant partner for a while, you’ve probably been accused of being controlling.

When your behavior seems controlling to an avoidant, reassure them that you’re not trying to control them. Give them opposing pieces of evidence. You can say things like:

“If I really wanted to control you, I wouldn’t let you do X.”

“I’m not controlling you. I’m trying to give my input for Y because Y affects me.”

5. Criticise behavior, not character

This applies to all humans, but avoidants are particularly sensitive to criticism.

When you criticize an avoidant’s character, you touch their inner shame wound of “I am flawed”. This can be highly triggering for them, and they’ll probably overreact.

When you criticize their behavior, they’ll take it well and see it as feedback for growth. Growth is the number priority in life for most avoidants, and they’ll love you if you help them grow.

6. Be your own person

You’re probably too clingy for an avoidant if you’re an anxiously attached person. Avoidants dislike clingy people. They want you to be more like them, more self-reliant. They want you to be able to meet some of your own needs.

Making a dismissive-avoidant (DA) love you

All the above points apply, plus:

1.

Avoid conflict

Dismissive avoidants hate conflict. If you want to communicate your needs to a DA, the worst way to do that is via a conflict.

When you fight with a DA, they enter survival mode and will try to win. Instead, try communicating your needs more harmoniously.

2. Avoid being overly demanding

Be careful how you demand a DA’s time, energy, and attention. Make sure you don’t come across as overly demanding, or they’ll push you away.

Saying something simple like, “When will you be free?” will make a DA fall in love with you. You’re showing them you respect their time, energy, and space.

Making a fearful-avoidant (FA) love you

All the above points for avoidants apply, plus:

1. Be honest

If you want an FA to love you, never break their trust. Never lie or hide things from them. An FA would rather you hurt them with the truth than comfort them with a lie.

2. Be consistent

When FAs show their typical hot-and-cold behavior, you must be patient. They’re prone to mood swings.

If you’re inconsistent, too, the relationship will hit the rocks.

If you consistently show your love and presence, an FA will love you.

Hanan Parvez( Author )

Hi, I’m Hanan Parvez (MBA, MA Psychology), founder and author of PsychMechanics. PsychMechanics has been featured in Forbes, Business Insider, Reader’s Digest, and Entrepreneur.

What is attachment and what types of attachment are there

Our relationships with other people in psychology can be interpreted through different theories. One of them is the theory of attachment, within which there are 4 different styles (or types) of attachment.

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A person's type (or style) of attachment is their special way of forming relationships with others. According to the theory of attachment, developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, attachment style is formed and developed in early childhood in response to our relationships with parents or caregivers. Our adult attachment style is thought to reflect the specific relationships we had with significant adults during infancy and childhood.

Do not self-medicate! In our articles, we collect the latest scientific data and the opinions of authoritative health experts. But remember: only a doctor can diagnose and prescribe treatment.

Type of attachment explains why we overreact to certain topics or behaviors of people, and also explains our way of interacting with them.

There are four main attachment styles in adults: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant. The last three are considered forms of insecure attachment.

Types of Attachment

1. Secure

This is our ability to form secure, loving relationships with others. A person with a reliable type of attachment trusts others and is trusted himself, loves and knows how to accept love, easily approaches others. He is not afraid of intimacy and does not panic when a partner needs his own time and space. A person with a secure attachment can be dependent on another without falling into complete dependence.

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According to a 1980s study by social psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver, only about 56% of adults are securely attached.

All other types of attachment are insecure.

2. Anxious

Anxious attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style marked by a deep fear of abandonment. Anxiously attached people tend to be very insecure about their relationship, often worrying that their partner will leave them, and therefore always crave acceptance. Anxious attachment is associated with obsessive behavior. For example, you are very worried when your partner does not answer you quickly enough, and you constantly feel that he does not care enough about you.

According to a study by Hazan and Shaver, about 19% of adults have an anxious attachment type.

3. Avoidant (detached)

Avoidant attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style characterized by fear of intimacy. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to have a hard time getting close to or trusting others in relationships, and the relationship itself can leave them feeling suffocated. They usually keep some distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring to be independent and self-reliant.

According to Hazan and Shaver, about 25% of adults have avoidant attachment.

4. Anxious-avoidant

Anxious-avoidant attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with this attachment are both desperate for love and want to avoid it at all costs. They do not want to develop close romantic relationships, but at the same time they have a strong need to feel loved by others.

Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is relatively rare and not well understood. But it is known to be associated with significant psychological and behavioral risks, including overactive sexual behavior, an increased risk of relationship violence, and difficulty with emotion regulation in general.

How Attachment Styles Are Developed

Attachment styles are usually formed in infancy through our relationships with our first caregivers. Researchers believe that attachment style develops during our first year of life between 7 and 11 months of age.

Humans are born helpless, so from birth we are programmed to seek and attach ourselves to a reliable guardian for protection. The quality of that first connection—loving and stable, fickle or even absent—actually shapes the developing brain, influencing us throughout our lives in how we deal with losses and how we behave in relationships.

What circumstances lead to each of the four types of attachment?

Secure attachment - guardians are sensitive to the needs of their child and listen to them.

Anxious Attachment - h Apparent adults are inconsistent, unpredictable, sometimes overly involved and intermittently withdrawn.

Avoidant attachment - adults are unresponsive, often dismissive and withdrawn. They are constantly emotionally disconnected from their child, as a result of which he believes that his needs will not be met.

Anxious-avoidant attachment - The adult frightens or traumatizes the infant, which causes the child to experience a deep sense of fear and mistrust of others, despite the desire for close relationships. The child develops a poor understanding of boundaries and does not understand what a healthy relationship is.

Significant adults are not the only ones who shape our attachment style, however. It can also be influenced by other significant relationships throughout life. A person may have a secure attachment as a child, but betrayal and infidelity as an adult can lead to the development of an insecure attachment.

How to identify your attachment style

Read the statements and choose the closest one:

It is relatively easy for me to get close to others and I am comfortable depending on them and making them depend on me. I don't often worry about getting dumped or getting too close to me.
I have found that others do not want to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or doesn't want to stay with me. There is a desire to completely merge with another person, and this sometimes scares people away.
I feel somewhat uncomfortable being around others, it is difficult to fully trust them, it is difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I get nervous when someone gets too close, and often partners want me to be more intimate and open with them than I'm comfortable with.

Choose the statement that suits you best and return to the beginning of the text - to the description of attachment styles. The numbers 1,2, and 3 here are the same as the description of attachment styles above. The fourth type is not included in this test, as it is considered to be quite rare and not fully understood.

It is important to note that in different situations a person may show a different style of attachment. It is important to understand which one is more common than the others.

Can attachment style change?

Yes, a person can change their attachment style, but it takes a lot of work, patience, and a clear vision of your goals.

Here's how to do it.

1. Identify your relationship patterns

Think about your relationship with your parents as a child.

How did they treat you as a child?
How did you react to them?
Whom did you turn to for comfort when faced with a problem?
Were your parents reliable to you?

Assess your current and past attachment styles and determine if there are any patterns in your choice of partners.

2. Work on your self-esteem

Low self-esteem is a common feature of all insecure attachment styles. Learn to accept, appreciate, love and take care of yourself first. If you cannot understand what self-love is because you were neglected, insulted and rejected as a child, at least start with a tolerant and neutral attitude towards yourself. You are human, and every human deserves to be appreciated.

3. Identify your real needs

People with insecure attachment styles tend to form insecure relationships because of a deep-seated fear that their relationship will not work out. It's important to figure out how to make yourself feel more confident in a relationship. Part of this is being aware of your needs and desires in a relationship.

Learn to be assertive and set boundaries. Respect how you feel and express your needs in words, without manipulation or hidden meaning. People with secure attachment speak directly what they think and feel, avoid hints and manipulations.

4. Don't be afraid to ask for help

Psychotherapy is a good thing. It is difficult for a modern person to understand many things without help and support. Moreover, if you want to work with your attachment, the therapist will become your guide and assistant in this matter, help you set appropriate boundaries and build healthy relationships.

Photo: Joe Yates/Unsplash, Artem Podrez/Pexels, Kristina Paukshtite/Pexels, Blue Bird/Pexels

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