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How to get over someone you were never with


15 Tips From a Therapist

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Published: August 26, 2022 Updated: November 2, 2022

Published: 08/26/2022 Updated: 11/02/2022

Getting over someone you never dated can be especially challenging. When a break-up happens, you can lean on your support system. But when the relationship never really got started, you may not have shared your feelings with anyone else. The disappointment and loss of hope are extremely painful, and this can be a very lonely and confusing time.

If you’re feeling sad, confused, or just kind of stuck – it’s not something you have to face alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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Why Getting Over Someone You Never Dated Can Be So Difficult

Getting over someone you never dated can be just as heartbreaking as a break-up, especially if this was a person you knew for a long time, cared about deeply, or who was a good friend. When a relationship breaks up, there is a chance for conversation and closure. Even a big fight can sometimes give people the motivation they need to walk away. But when you never actually dated, you often end up having to get over your crush on your own.

Here are some potential reasons why getting over someone you never actually dated is so hard:

  • The loss of hope: You had hopes and dreams for what the future with this person could be, and now you are grieving the loss of that hope.
  • Beating yourself up about the what-ifs: Was it something you said? Something you did? Was there something that you could have done differently? These questions can send you into a downward spiral. And since you never actually dated this person, there are no answers.
  • It feels especially lonely: It’s possible that you haven’t really shared your feelings with anyone else. Your feelings are very real, but with the relationship never being acknowledged, your support people may not understand.
  • Lack of closure: Since there was never an official relationship, it’s possible that there will never be a chance to have closure with the ending.
  • Self-doubt: If having feelings for people you never dated is becoming a pattern, this might be contributing to an unhealthy cycle of insecurity and self-doubt.

15 Tips for How to Get Over Someone You Never Dated

While getting over someone you never dated can be painful and difficult, it is necessary for you to move on. With time, you’ll be well on your way to finding the healthy relationship you deserve.

Here are 15 steps you can take to get over someone you never dated:

1. Make a List of What You Want Out of a Partner

Make three columns. Column one lists the things you absolutely must have in a partner. Column two lists your preferences, and column three lists the things that would be nice, but aren’t extremely important. Getting clear on what you want in a partner is a great way to start moving forward.

2. Now, Start Becoming Those Things Yourself

Go back to that list you just made and ask yourself, “how can I become this person?” Put your energy behind becoming the best version of yourself you can be.

3. Journal to Process Your Emotions

Journaling can be a great way to heal. It can be especially challenging to try to heal from something that feels isolating, such as feelings about someone you do not have a romantic history with. Journaling allows you to write out your thoughts and feelings and see them on paper–and the act of reading them back to yourself can be empowering and help you process them in a healthy way.

4. Make Space for Someone New

Open yourself up to the possibility of making space for a new relationship. When you feel ready, this will be a great time to create an online dating profile and let your friends know you are on the market!

5. Work on Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem & Confidence

Think about the things you like about yourself. What are you good at? What do you enjoy? Everyone has unique strengths. If you have a hard time thinking of anything, ask a close friend or a family member to tell you what they think your strengths are to build your confidence.

6. Stop Communicating With Them

Every time you talk to this person, it’s going to remind you of the hope that was lost. It’s probably a good idea to stop communicating with them, at least for the time being, so that you can give yourself the space you need to work through your feelings.

7. Use Guided Imagery for Confidence & Self-Love

Utilize guided meditations to help you boost your confidence and cultivate self-love. There are several great meditation apps and YouTube channels available to help you do this.

8. Stay Busy Doing Things You Love

Stay busy to keep yourself from ruminating about what could have been. Make plans so you have something fun to look forward to. Keep yourself busy with hobbies, activities, and spending time with people you enjoy. 1

9. Talk to Someone You Trust

Talk through your feelings with a trusted friend or support person. Let them know whether you just need to vent or if you are looking for advice or solutions.

10. Keep Away From Their Social Media

Checking their social media is like picking the scab off of the wound over and over and expecting it to heal. Give yourself some time and space, and if you are not able to take a break, unfollow them (at least for now).2

11. Make a “Moving On” Playlist

Choose your favorite songs that make you feel strong, empowered, and hopeful. Conversely, you may want to listen to a song that helps you cry and let it all out.3

12. Spend Time With People Who Make You Laugh

Laughter is the best medicine! Take your mind off of your heartbreak and spend some time with that funny friend who makes you laugh, go to a standup set, or watch a favorite comedy.

13. Respect Their Decision

As much as it hurts, ultimately this is their decision. As much as your feelings matter, their feelings matter, too. Give them space and take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of yourself when the right person does come along.

14. Be Aware of Signs of Depression

If you are noticing symptoms like changes in appetite or sleep, or depressed mood most every day for at least two weeks, these are potential signs of depression and are best treated by speaking to a qualified professional.4

15. Try Dating or Being Set Up by a Trusted Friend

It may seem counterintuitive to try to date someone new or be set up on a date, but it’s a good way to remind you that your reality can involve a partner who is present and available. Dating can be misused as a distraction, however, dating with intention can help remind you that you are looking for someone who shares your values and is available to give you appropriate time and attention. It is important to consider that people may not always be able to give you what you want and need, so moving on and meeting people who might be a good fit for you can be a great way to move on.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone?

There is unfortunately no guideline or timeframe to get over someone. Oftentimes, the kind of issues that come up and the length of time that feelings were involved can influence the timeline. Some people might start to feel better in a few weeks and be able to start dating. They may have been processing this for a long time. Others may hold on to their feelings and beliefs that make it harder to get over someone, and may need to process these feelings with a trusted friend or a licensed professional.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you are finding that it’s hard to think about anything else and these thoughts are distracting from your life, or if you have noticed changes in your sleep, appetite, outlook or eating habits, these are signs that you may benefit from help from a professional. If you have noticed any of these changes, if you just don’t feel like yourself, or you are not able to enjoy life, make an appointment with someone who can help.

Speaking to a therapist can be a fantastic way to process difficult feelings without fear of judgment. If you’re not sure how to find a therapist, using an online directory where you can filter for therapists with relationship expertise is a great place to start.

Final Thoughts on How to Get Over Someone You Never Dated

It can feel especially difficult and confusing to get over someone you never dated, but with time, it’s possible to move on. By taking this time to take really good care of yourself, work through your feelings, and identify your strengths, you will come out of this an even better, stronger version of yourself.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Dating is complicated and emotionally challenging. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com (Online Therapy) – Are you dating someone with mental illness or addiction? Don’t face these challenges alone! The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added instructional Yoga videos. Get Started

Mindfulness.com (App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Mindfulness.com, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your best interests in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Mindfulness.com

4 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Uniacke, K. (2021 March 3).12 Effective Ways To Get Over Someone You Never Dated A Conscious Rethink. Retrieved from: https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/14860/how-to-get-over-someone-you-never-dated/

  • Bawinur, A. (2021, October 2). 5 powerful ways to get over someone you never dated. Retrieved from: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-powerful-ways-to-get-over-someone-you-never-dated/

  • LaFata, A. (2019, January 31). How to get over a breakup. The Cut. Retrieved from: https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-get-over-a-breakup.html.

  • American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).Washington, DC: Author.

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

  • Originally Published: November 2, 2021
    Original Author: Michelle Risser, LISW-S
    Original Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD

  • Updated: August 26, 2022
    Author: No Change
    Reviewer: No Change
    Primary Changes: Edited for readability and clarity. Added “Journal to Process Your Emotions”, “Try Dating or Being Set Up by a Trusted Friend”, and “How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone?”. New material written by Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C and reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD.

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Get Over Someone You Never Dated | How Getting Over Someone You Never Dated Is Just As Painful As A Break-Up

Updated August 4, 2022 by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Ending a relationship with someone we dated can take a toll on our emotional wellbeing. This type of loss can leave a hole in our lives that will take time to heal. But there are also those experiencing a similar sense of loss, except with someone they never actually dated. When we're trying to get over a relationship that might have been but never quite was, things can become complicated. Learn how to get over a crush in this article to gain some peace back.

Are You Missing A Relationship That You Never Really Had?

Learn New Relationship Skills To Attract The Right Partner.

I Never Dated Them, So Why Do I Feel This Way? Can You Be Heartbroken Over An Unrealized Relationship?

As strange as it might sound, getting over someone you never dated, according to experts, can be just as hard as a breakup. You can experience similar feelings: grief, sadness, frustration, rejection, disappointment, confused, and fear. You may find yourself so upset over this ending that you are constantly crying, you are depressed, or overall feeling lost. If you are longing and yearning to get over these emotions, this article can help provide some tips to focus on self-care and get your energy back.

With someone you never actually dated, according to experts you may unintentionally put them on a pedestal and assume it would have been a wonderful match, when in reality it may not have been. You also might be missing closure on this decision of theirs, wondering where the signs were that this was coming to an end, with nothing to grasp on to. The rejection or loss of a potentially real and meaningful relationship can be hard to handle, but just like with a traditional breakup, you can heal and find a healthy way to move forward. We'll talk more about how you can overcome these issues throughout the article, and how to regain self-esteem and get out of the sorrowful anguish you are feeling.

How Do You Get Over Someone You Never Dated?

What would lead to a situation where you experience the paradox of getting over someone you never dated? Maybe you fell for a friend who didn't have the same feelings. Maybe you grew feelings for a coworker who was unavailable, or maybe you never had the nerve to explore your feelings for someone and tell them how you felt. Or maybe you were seeing someone and everything was pointing to them eventually becoming your partner, but you never got the chance. Everyone has experienced something like this, and there are steps (often lists and advice) to grow from these experiences and regain your strength.

No matter the situation, you have no way of knowing. This is something you will want to remind yourself as you move through the process of getting over this person – you do not know that it would have worked out or been a good fit for you despite how it feels right now. It will not help your healing process if you spend time continuing to fantasize.

That said, it is extremely important to acknowledge your feelings. Your family and friends might say, "why are you so sad? It's not like you were ever together." They may be well intentioned and trying to help, but this is not helpful. It will only make the recovery process longer and harder if you minimize your feelings. It is important you don't deny your feelings or tell yourself it doesn't matter because you were never "official." Pain is pain and it is not always logical. If you need to cry, cry. If you are hurt or suffering, allow yourself some time to just feel miserable or remorseful, otherwise it might show up in other ways later on. Give yourself permission to reach out to your support network and tell them what you need. However, make sure you don't stay in the pining and regretful stage for too long. Maybe you need to go out, have fun, and start to move forward from the relationship you realized you will never have by focusing on the future. Meeting other guys, other people can at the very least make a good story, and these stories can lead to a goal, you finding out some truth about yourself and what you want, or just a fun time with others. First, take the time you need to grieve and talk about what you feel you are missing.

How To Get Over Them

Journaling is a great coping skill if you do not feel like talking. You can write about your feelings and thoughts, anything that is capturing your attention through a photo, image, or just a bunch of words. If you are experiencing lack of touch, trouble with sleep, annoyance at dating apps, or overall a lose of sense of "team", get it out. Anytime you are able to get thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto paper, you can make progress with healing. Be kind to yourself as you heal and do not set a timeline for when you need to be "over it." Allow yourself to feel. It is important that you do positive things that make you feel good. It can be a good idea to seek new hobbies and activities for self-growth and improvement. You can use this time to work on being the best version of yourself.

If this person is a friend who doesn't have the same romantic feelings for you, have an honest conversation with that friend and determine whether or not you can continue the friendship. It might be too painful for you to do so, or you might want to take a break while you heal. The other person might feel too uncomfortable, as well. While a conversation of this nature might feel awkward, try not to be embarrassed. It could help salvage your friendship so that you do not lose a friend. Be proud of yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your feelings.

Are You Missing A Relationship That You Never Really Had?

Learn New Relationship Skills To Attract The Right Partner.

Another option is to sit with your feelings for a period of time and see if they fade. For example, if you develop an infatuation with a co-worker who is married or is unavailable, pause to examine what is going on in your life. Maybe you feel lonely and are ready to start a relationship and see this person as someone who would be a solution to your loneliness or desire for a relationship. Perhaps if you give yourself permission to be honest with yourself and figure out what is at the root of the feelings, you can focus on meeting new people and dating, rather than let the feelings for this co-worker grow and grow and potentially become more irrational and idealistic.

Counseling can be helpful in this process, as well as leaning on the support of your friends. You also want to check in with yourself and make sure you are not feeling so down that you are unable to enjoy life and meet your regular obligations.

What To Do If This Happens Often

While it is not abnormal to fall for someone who doesn't return your feelings or someone you never dated, according to experts, it might be helpful to examine why if you find yourself in this situation often. Are you afraid of rejection, so you find yourself fantasizing about people you know you will never date? Do you not think you are good enough for someone you are interested in, so you avoid putting yourself out there? Is dating overwhelming for you? There are many reasons that could lead to this happening often, and giving yourself permission to talk to a therapist can help you find the answers. It could also just be that you are ready to start a relationship and find yourself noticing any possibilities. If this is the case, you can talk with your counselor about healthy ways to meet people.

How To Cope With The Pain Of Rejection From Someone You Never Dated

Although it will take time to heal, there are helpful coping mechanisms that will allow you to handle the pain that comes with rejection. Here are some of the most helpful strategies that you can employ at home:

Stay Busy And Work Towards What You Want

Avoidance is not helpful in terms of healing but doing your best to keep your mind off of the situation can lessen your pain and help you move on. One great way to do this is to stay busy and focus on other parts of your life you want to advance. You will mostly get so wrapped up that you will easily forget about your crush and learn how to connect more with yourself, instead.

Connect With Friends And Loved Ones

Although you cannot have the person you may have wanted, you have people in your life who make you happy in a different capacity. Make a point to schedule more outings with friends and family to keep your mind off of your adverse feelings. While it’s important to allow yourself to feel and process those feelings, rumination can be harmful. It’s important to stay engaged in things you care about and still spend time with loved ones.

Give Yourself Permission To Get Back Out There

Don't let the pain of rejection prevent you from going after what you want. Give yourself permission to meet the many people out there who may connect with you and love you equally. If you really want to have that type of connection, get back on that horse and try again. (Just make sure you're emotionally ready for it!)

Mending The Wounds Of Getting Over Someone You Never Dated With BetterHelp

Your feelings are just as real and as valid as someone who is going through a breakup after a relationship. Don't let anyone minimize your feelings and need for support. It is important to understand why this has happened and the best way to heal. It is an important time to take care of yourself and allow yourself the space to heal and move forward. Communicating with a therapist such as those found at BetterHelp can be beneficial.

BetterHelp is an online counseling platform dedicated to providing people like you with access to certified therapists from the comfort of your own home and on your own time! You can get started immediately anywhere you have an internet connection, and there are a variety of ways you can communicate with your therapist: live chat, messages, video sessions, and phone calls. Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"In one session Douglas has helped me realize and find a way to break a pattern that I've been having for the last few weeks and probably lifelong. This is going to help me improve my relationships and my life will be more fulfilling. I'm glad I got to talk to Douglas, I can sense he is a great professional. "

"Erin is AMAZING. I've been having a lot of relationship related anxiety issues and she has been what I needed to FINALLY break through my own negative thoughts. She is worth every penny spent and I couldn't recommend her more. She's fantastic."

Conclusion

While falling in love with someone you can't have can be difficult, you can still get over it as you would with any legitimate breakup. Take time for yourself, get the necessary help and support, and get out there so that you can meet someone who will reciprocate your affections. With the right tools, a fulfilling relationship is possible. Take the first step.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Can you be heartbroken over someone you never dated?

If you want to know how to get over someone you never dated, this is likely one of the initial questions you'll have - can you really be heartbroken over someone you never dated? The answer is most certainly yes. If you're feeling sad over someone you never dated, it could mean that you had strong feelings for them or felt like you had a connection. There could be a great deal of "what ifs," or you may have talked frequently despite the fact that you never dated. When you stop communicating with someone who you used to talk to regularly, it can be challenging, and it can put a strain on your mental health. If you're wondering how to get over someone you never dated or feel heartbroken on a persistent basis, it may be beneficial to reach out for mental health support from a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor. Mental health professionals can help with a number of concerns related to relationships and other matters and can be an excellent addition to a person's support system. In addition to processing emotions with the professional help of a therapist, it can be advantageous to spend time with true friends, work to build confidence and self love, especially if this connection was something that affected your self esteem or perception of self, think about what you want your relationships with another person or other people to look like moving forward, and to think about what you want your future to look like overall. Moving forward is possible, and it's okay if it takes time.

Why can't I stop thinking about someone I never dated?

Sometimes, if there was a potential for a relationship, but you don't end up dating, one may find that they can't stop thinking about someone they never dated. This could be due to what ifs such as "what if things would've gone differently?" or "what if I would've pursued them in a different way?" This may be considered the bargaining stage when it comes to the five stages of grief, and it is most certainly possible to grieve someone you have never dated. It could be that you had strong feelings for the person and are feeling sad that you never dated. Maybe, they don't feel the same way, or they wanted a close friend instead of a new relationship. Even still, these are just some of the possibilities.

The world of online dating can also have somewhat of an impact on love, relationships, and how we experience heartbreak. If you are feeling sad over someone you never dated but have them added on social media accounts, it could be that it's important to stop looking at their social media in order to heal. If you have someone added to your social media accounts, it can be harder to stop thinking about them, even if it is someone you never dated, because the other person is still in your peripheral vision.

How do you heal from a situationship?

Healing from a situationship or unofficial relationship can be similar to healing from an official relationship that you did have. If you want to know how to get over someone you never dated, this could be exactly what you're going through. Situationship typically refers to a new relationship or budding relationship that was never official. It could've been up and down or off and on. To start moving forward, you might speak with a trusted person in your life. This person could be a close friend, a family member, or a mental health professional. Spending time with true friends and people who uplift you can be helpful.

It may also be advantageous to seek mental health support, whether that is through online therapy or in person therapy. Online therapy can be convenient for those in need of support, whether it pertains to a mental illness, self esteem, getting over someone you never dated, planning for the future, relationship issues, coping with stress, or something else. The National Institute of Mental Health (or NIMH) indicates that nearly one in five adults who reside in the United States lives with a mental illness, so know that you aren't alone if you live with a mental health condition and need support. According to the American psychiatric association, online therapy is here to stay, and a variety of studies over the years have confirmed the efficacy of online therapy services.

Regardless of whether you dated or not, know that it makes sense to feel the way you do. When you stop communicating with someone who is part of your life, it can be an adjustment. Additionally, even relationships that weren't official can cause someone to feel sad or interfere with self esteem. Even if things weren't official with the other person, the connection still could have meant a lot to you, and if that is something you realize, know that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. A mental health professional can help you process your emotions. Support, alongside time, some would say, is the best medicine, so don't hesitate to reach out if you realize that you need someone to talk to.

It can also be helpful when you want to stop thinking of someone you never dated to focus on self love and what you want a future healthy relationship to look like. A healthy relationship, for example, should be reciprocal. You should feel cared for, and there shouldn't be mixed signals.

The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.

How to forget a person after a breakup: a psychologist answers

At the same time, try to distract yourself from sad thoughts: chat with friends, go in for a pleasant sport, start a new hobby. Good help to distract new dates.

The main mistakes that people make after parting

1. The most important mistake is a quick entry into a new relationship. Without living through the gap, you will transfer all the hopes, claims and familiar roles to a new relationship, and the new partner will be only a lifeboat for you.

2. Trying to get your partner back - especially after he said outright that he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

3. Total devaluation or endless idealization of broken relationships as a former partner. To some extent, devaluation can help, but if you get carried away with it, it will slow down the process of mourning that needs to be lived.

4. No tears. Be sure to mourn your loss, you can even make a list of "What I lost (a) with this relationship."

What to do if the partner left for another?

When someone is preferred to you, it is a very painful trauma. Here it is important to support your "I" and separate the partner's life from your own. It is important to understand that something happened in the partner's life that led him to decide to meet his needs elsewhere. This does not apply to your life and your boundaries. This is your partner's life and his decision, for which you cannot be held responsible. You can imagine this situation as a natural disaster. Hurricane Katrina in 2005 practically wiped out New Orleans, not because its inhabitants are bad people, but because it is a natural disaster from which no one is immune.

Remember, choosing your partner is not your decision, not your psychological process, and not your responsibility. Your responsibility was only within the framework of the relationship with your partner, but if he decided to interrupt them, then you cannot influence this.

- Support yourself on all levels: physical, mental, emotional.

- Surround yourself with close people who can understand and support.

- Pay special attention to your physical condition: eat regularly and well, get enough sleep, exercise, go for massage, etc.

- Try to avoid contact with the former partner as much as possible.

- Treat yourself with love and remember that you were separated not because you are bad, but because the circumstances so happened.

What do you do when you feel like you can't live without your loved one?

It is very important to remember and even write down how you lived before your partner appeared. In this case, you do not need to use adjectives in a comparative degree: boring, worse, sadder. Describe specifics and facts: where did you live, with whom did you communicate, what did you do in your free time, what did you enjoy. It is important to restore in memory the reality that was before the relationship. This is necessary so that at the moments when you begin to sink into grief, remember that there is a completely material world around you, in which you exist - a holistic and independent person who has his own life.

At the same time, do not be afraid to be sad: in the stage of mourning, depression is a normal stage. But it is important to control the depth and intensity of this state. If you lose contact with reality, your social ties collapse, you cannot work, then you need to go to a specialist - a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. If you feel bad and sad, but at the same time you can work, do business and keep in touch with friends, this is the depression that is functional. Grieve, mourn, feel the loss - so that later you can start building a new life.

How to forget someone with whom nothing happened?

  1. Forum
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  3. Psychology of love

Memories got me something...
I've never kept a diary, so - excuse me, I just want to speak out and put my thoughts in order.

The crux of the matter.
I can't forget a person I don't love.

Married. Happy. Children, favorite work.
Husband - LOVE. And not just like that, but really, really love. The sex is great (orgasm every time). If he goes on a business trip, I miss him immensely. As a man, as a person - I LOVE.

And along with that... I can't forget one person.
We met him 15 years ago. I was 25, he was 20. I was already married.
He belongs to the type of people - who cling to me ... Both physically and emotionally.
It was a pleasure to communicate with him. We became friends and started talking every day.
I really had a friendly relationship with him...
At some point, my friend and husband told me that he fell in love with me. Not sure if that was the case. Wanted - yes, definitely. Looking closely, I noticed a couple of times after that that my clothes were just not smoking...
In general - after that - I stopped communicating with the young man.
Although he was sexually and psychologically attractive to me... (Sex fantasies with his participation went with a bang. In general, it always seemed to me that this was like a parallel option. If I were free at the time of our meeting, most likely something would have spun between us.) But ... Really, I did not consider him as a partner for life.
Firstly, she was married. Second, she loved her husband. Thirdly ... but who the hell knows. In fact, he didn’t make any advances to me ... Yes, those around him thought that he had blown his mind off me. A couple of times I myself noticed that in a relationship slips ... mmm ... something more.
No. He was always correct. Don't go anywhere with your hands. Positioned himself as a friend.

When I stopped communicating with him, I tried several times to find me, talk to me... I kindly but firmly explained that I could not afford to have such close male friends.

If he was not indifferent to me, I think that it hurt him.
Then we moved. To another country.

But he remained in my head. And I have no idea how to get him out of there.
I talk to him all the time in my mind. Sometimes in terms of sex. fantasies blows the roof.
In general... Sometimes I have such a strange feeling... did he bewitch me or something??? I'm generally friends with my head. And I clearly understand that I have no idea what he is now. It's an image... Just an image.

Five years ago he found me in Odnoklassniki.
At first I was so frightened... (it seems that I just started to forget him - and then oops... And I was thrown out of the rut again for several months.)
Again positioned himself as a friend.
Sometimes we communicate.
The most disgusting thing - if we do not communicate for half a year - I feel bad. Sometimes I really want to write.

It feels like a real, living thread is being pulled between us, which I physically feel.

Yes... Once I had a dream where he felt bad. I wrote to clarify, is he OK? It turned out that something happened to his health.

In general, I don't need this fellowship! And I would love to forget him.
But even it doesn't work...

The most interesting. If I manage to think less about him... (I have already taken up special techniques, meditation... He appears on the horizon with "how are you"...))

But again - I'm almost 100% sure that I do not need him, in a global sense. He has a family, everything is OK, he does not incite wedges under me. We communicate exclusively neutrally.

That's sick of it - NO WORDS!!!

Until you sleep, apparently, he won't let you go....

similar situation, I'll stand by, listen0003

khe... well, you are a real person))) I hope not a troll?))) I also got married early for great love, but in my life there were many male friends who openly flirted with me, ambiguously hinted that they say, give me a sign, I'm at your feet, BUT I was married, so no-no))) now a lot of water has flowed under the bridge, sometimes I regret that I didn’t sleep with a couple of them))) for some time I was in love with my boss, too I regret a little that I did not use his favorable attitude towards me for career purposes))))

This is a karmic relationship))

That's the ass that you're not a troll!
Damn, I would be glad. ..

You know, I once had a very vivid dream. How I slept with him. Alive, almost real.
And then I dreamed that my husband would come home from work... And I was standing in the shower, trying to wash off the dirt... And I couldn't. Because dirt is in the soul.

After that, the desire to change somehow diminished...

Although, I don't know. If he had led an attack on me, most likely I would not have resisted.
This is what torments me the most, perhaps... What I don't know - did I hook him in the same way as he did me??? Or was he indifferent to me?

Technically unrealistic.
We live on different ends of the earth.

He doesn't put wedges under me now.
How many years have passed...

What about you? Tell me, huh???
Sometimes I feel really bad. PHYSICALLY ... From the fact that I can not get out of this "relationship".

Please explain the thought?
I was thinking about something like that. .. But I think it's a bit too much.

Moreover, I don't know - maybe I was an insignificant episode for him... And that's just him in my soul.

I have male friends.
Some of them are not indifferent to me.
In general - outwardly - nothing like that ...
Tall, with a figure ... Sometimes people - it precipitates.

I am still amorous.
But usually I have such a "falling in love" for 5 days. With sex fantasies... And then everything burns out, and the person becomes even slightly unpleasant.
It's like a background... There are light loves, and I don't care about them, in fact...
I don't know... Maybe I'm with a bells and whistles - but love, as such, love for one man (husband) does not interfere with all this. ..
But this man...
Spruces - where is the smiley to beat against the wall...
NOBODY in my life except my husband has hooked me like that...
Nobody... ((

Well, this idea is suitable for those who believe in the transmigration of souls)) There is a theory that relationships that were not completed in a past life can be called karmic. Or someone to someone in the same place (in a past life) did some dirty trick. And now you are inexplicably drawn to each other, only, they say, apart from the subsequent feeling of emptiness, the completion of karmic ties does not bring ... or they need to be “grounded” somehow competently ... I don’t know for sure, you can google, read something on this topic... but, you know... this is one of the theories...

so what's the problem? live with your husband, fall in love, dream, what's so terrible about that?
it would be worse if you cheated on your husband right and left and you didn't care)))
here's a smiley)))

The problem is that it exhausts me emotionally.
When I think about him a lot, I start to feel empty. (Thanks for the emoticon.

There are special switching techniques - like meditations ... So when I manage to concentrate, switch, and not think about it - you know ... I somehow physically begin to feel better . .. (I must hold out for a couple of days - and a direct surge of strength. But somehow I managed to fall in love, for a couple of weeks ... (Something, too, with age, I fall in love fleetingly less and less ...) So it was such happiness - I began to feel free from it ... I was flying straight, and not even from falling in love! From the fact that I felt FREE!!!0003

Only such a state of consciousness, as a rule, I cannot maintain for a long time. I just digress - again I catch myself talking to him mentally.
And if I really start to forget... (There have been several times like this... Over the past years, somehow... So he appears on the horizon.

You know... Of course, I thought about this topic...
I'm basically an agnostic, and I don't deny this possibility.0003

quarrel??? Yes from what??? We either do not correspond at all, or very good. superficially.

Tell him the truth??? Oh my god, no way!!! Estimate - a man lives for himself, does not suspect anything . .. He has a family like that, mistresses ...)) And suddenly, an insignificant episode from a past life (and it is quite possible that I am an episode for him), which maybe I wanted once to fuck ... But since then I have completely forgotten how he looks ... He dumps a similar story on him ... Kashchenko is resting.
I'll introduce...

when my emotions are running high and I need to relieve tension, there is only one way out - sport))) I go to the pool and swim until I'm blue in the face, until my body is so tired that there are no thoughts at all - no))) maybe you should try it)))

Maybe...
I kind of went in for sports... (Karate, dancing... let go a little. Swimming - no. When you swim - you think... Now, if dancing - yes - count movements, rhythm...
But I wouldn't say that it helped 100%.0003

sorry))) I leave you alone with your thoughts)))) you seem to like it))))

By the way. .. I fell in love for the last time, it was with a karate instructor... - the simplest unicellular, infusoria-shoe... )))
Such a cool man... Strong, tall... seems overweight - but in fact - solid muscles. You hit in the belly - you can break your arm - or your leg. Terminator, damn it, was not around!
It's even a pity that it's not catchy anymore...

Sometimes. Naturally, this mental communication takes place with pleasure.
But - really - I'd rather finish it.

Thank you very much for trying to help!
It was really important for me to talk to someone.

This is the first time I am talking about this.

The author wrote: >> What about you? Tell me, huh???
Sometimes I feel really bad. PHYSICALLY ... From the fact that I can not get out of this "relationship".

damn it..... I wrote you for 10 minutes and pressed the wrong button, fool0003

Incomplete relationship. But in fact - you wanted to be with him and he is with you, but it didn’t work out. Dreams, fantasies ... the psyche clings to it tightly.

I've been reading and reading, I thought maybe I'll find out something useful for myself... It's sad how... I'll join your ranks as a new addition. The same story, only with nuances. Also married. We met for a long time already 11 years later, as a magnet attracted. The same nonsense with the physical BAD. It looks like breaking, i.e. really twists, breaks - I want to write and talk. Heart-to-heart conversations in your own soul. And it seems like all the topics have been discussed. She moved with her family to the other side of the country. At the time of the move, they had been dating for 4 years. At first, the horror broke like. Then I began to kind of forget, although sometimes there was such a crazy feeling - as if I was communicating with him, I felt him. He found me on these freaking classmates, after 2 years of oblivion. "Hi, how are you?" He was silent about his feelings for 4 years (although it felt good together), and then it broke through him, “I love you, my life, my love! I fell in love then very much! Oh, how good you are now!” Without him, it’s as if part of the feelings is paralyzed, but with him it’s good, but it’s good somehow in a masochistic way. In Skype every day we catch each other, we look, we correspond. We know for sure that everything is not promising, we will never meet, but it still pulls. I want to live in peace without him. Because it's painful not to see him at the weekend. Over the past years, there have been times when I kind of forgot. I didn’t write to him, I didn’t go on Skype. It broke again. And it broke through: "Where are you? It's bad without you! Life stops"
Both have families. Children. We both love our families, we will not destroy them. But living like this is painful. And, yes, I don’t see him as a life partner. Well, what is it pulling?
Complete whimper...

did you have sex with him?

for nothing))) I just want to tell you that what you describe - your feelings - this is life)))) and this, in my opinion, is wonderful, no matter how terrible it is)))

And I have the same story. It’s been 20 years since we haven’t seen each other. And I wanted him, but it didn’t work out. I thought I was the only one. I don’t need it, but I can’t get rid of it ... What should I do?

and I have the same situation, only I have 2 people and not one. Moreover, both were good friends at different periods of time. Each of them has his own family and I have a strong family, but often it’s like they pull the soul by the rope if I don’t talk I can read a message or email from them a million times in order to feel a little comfortable

This is typical of human nature...Probably everyone is typical to one degree or another. The question is, does it bother you much to live?

Yes, the more I read the topic, the more I am convinced that the folk wisdom "it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret" is absolutely true.

I have been living like this for a year and a half))) smaller than you, but also tired - no strength. I also talk, scroll through some fictitious situations, as if we suddenly met him, etc. -four months. I understand that you don’t need to do this, you don’t need to see each other at all. moved to some thread of the beach, well, or, in extreme cases, to bed))) But you can’t .. absolutely, absolutely impossible, really, you won’t wash off later ((and what to do with it? The thought about a karmic connection also flashed, but after reading "Brida" she washed her face with tears.0003

So we were together. Well, almost ... since both are family. We did it - we don’t regret it, it’s pulling - but we can no longer be around, because we live far away. And if they were around, they would probably go crazy. Or, on the contrary, everything would be calmer. And who the hell knows how it would be. Yes, it interferes with life. Quietly live without thinking about him. And I think - sometimes I seem like a lady to myself with paranoid jumps.

in, and physically too)) last night, for two hours I couldn’t even walk, my heart jumps out or contracts, you’ll understand it ((I couldn’t do anything, I barely talked to the children, and my daughter told me “Mom, are you sick? "Yes, damn it, and, apparently, seriously))
only my subject understands perfectly well that even something is wrong with me, because in his presence I am practically inadequate)) or maybe he really writes off mental problems)) I don’t know, I’m afraid to ask)

not disappointed?

Well, drop everything, settle in the middle and live happily. I don’t believe, excuse me, that two adults who are drawn to each other that even balls go behind rollers and prominences can see that two adults cannot start living together.

Oh, how I don't like such "returnees". If you're sick of talking about anything and don't understand what kind of relationship - "cut to hell, without waiting for overtonitis" - do not write, do not call, in Odnoklassniki he is blacklisted. Endure. There are no other options.
I know how painful and unpleasant it is, I read 90% of my story right. I burned out, now I live, rejoice and do not twitch.

close to him? No, not disappointed. Maybe it's all about sex? Rather, in the pleasure derived from it. He felt how to make me feel good, I gave him pleasure ... So I didn’t have it anymore. Although we could just talk, it was always somehow sincere. We could just sit next to each other - and it was also good. Now sometimes it happens that we sit on Skype - he works, he does his work, I do mine.

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