How to deal with someone who only cares about themselves

Self-Centered People: 7 Signs of Selfishness

If someone is self-centered, they usually don't reciprocate the effort you put into the relationship.
They may also disregard rules, believing that rules and guidelines don't apply to them.
To cope with a selfish person, you can set boundaries, tell them how you feel, or cut them off.

If you know somebody who constantly makes everything about themselves or seems to have little to no consideration for others, you are likely dealing with a self-centered person.

This is common with people who have narcissistic personality disorder and makes it difficult for them to maintain healthy relationships with others.

Note: It's often a good thing to practice self-care and prioritize your own needs from time to time. This is different from being single-mindedly self-interested and unable to see others' perspective.

Here are nine signs that someone is self-centered, and how to deal with someone with this type of personality.

1. They have one-sided conversations

When talking to a self-centered person, you may notice that they tend to monopolize the conversation, says Taneille Smith, LMFT, LMHC, a therapist in private practice.

For example, you might begin to share about how difficult work has been for you, and then they take this opportunity to go on and on about their own work stresses without acknowledging your own concerns.

"This is self-centered behavior because it demonstrates that this person has little capacity to be curious about or imagine another person's perspective," says Smith.

2. They don't reciprocate effort

In a relationship with a self-centered person, you may find that there's a clear pattern of you giving your time, energy, and attention to them, but these gestures and efforts aren't reciprocated, says Smith.

This shows that they care more about themselves than others since they are not willing to put in the effort to make you feel like it's an even relationship.

3. They consistently lack perspective

"Self-centered people usually lack empathy, maybe not entirely, but at least enough that they struggle to put themselves in others' shoes," says Emily Simonian, LMFT, therapist at Thriveworks. This can show up as:

Refusing to see someone else's side of a disagreement
Disregarding others' views, beliefs, or opinions as invalid

4. They think rules don't apply to them

Simonian says that self-centered people will perpetually do things their own way and take a "my way or the highway" approach to life.

"This sense of entitlement causes self-centered individuals to frequently break rules because of carelessness, arrogance, or a lack of empathy that prohibits them from seeing how their behavior affects others,'' says Simonian.

5. They're inconsiderate

People who are self-centered will often do everything on their own terms, without taking your needs or desires into consideration as well, says Smith.

For example, they might choose activities, restaurants, or movies that they prefer regardless of whether you like them or not. Smith says this demonstrates that they don't consider anyone's preferences but their own.

6. They're controlling

It's common for self-centered people to come off rigid or controlling, since they may want things to go exactly their way, says Smith.

For example, if your partner or roommate is controlling, they might insist that things in your home are arranged in a certain way or that the chores are done specifically the way they want them done.

7. They're unable to receive or respond to feedback

If you try to give a self-centered person any feedback about their selfish behavior, it's likely that they won't take it seriously and won't take responsibility for their behavior.

"They may get defensive, fail to see the consequences of their actions, or simply disregard feedback out of carelessness. If something isn't hurting or affecting them, it's difficult for them to want to change," says Simonian.

Tips on how to deal with someone who is self-centered

If you're struggling with a self-centered person, here are some tips to make your interactions a bit more pleasant.

1. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries with someone who is self-centered can help you interact on your own terms. It can also help you avoid situations where they drain your energy or monopolize your time.

For example, some boundaries you could set are:

If you're making plans, you can let them know in advance that you need to be home at a certain time.
If they call you to talk, you can let them know you only have 10 or so minutes to talk.

2. Find ways to cope if you cannot disengage

In some cases, you may not be able to truly separate from a self-centered person, such as if they're a family member or coworker you see everyday. In this scenario, it can be helpful to find ways to cope with their behavior.

Simonian says some examples of coping skills for this situation are:

Reminding yourself to not take the things they say or do personally.
Redirect upsetting dialogue with them by changing the subject or leaving the conversation.
Learning to let things go by expressing your emotions or venting to a trusted friend or therapist.

3. Be realistic with your expectations

Though some people can grow to be more thoughtful and self-aware, it's important that you don't set yourself up for disappointment by expecting them to change. Instead, you can try to explore how they can fit into your life in a more positive way.

For example, you should accept that a self-centered friend may not be the best person to spend all your time with. But if you have fun getting a drink with them once in a while and want them in your life in a small way, it's okay. Just be sure to reframe your relationship so that you're not expecting to depend on them when the going gets tough.

4. Tell them how you feel

There's a chance that the self-centered person is truly unaware of how their behavior is affecting you. That's why it's important to voice your concerns if you want to continue your relationship without more added resentment.

"If you feel like this person is important to you and you want to give them an opportunity to change, share your experience with them. Have your feedback focus on how you feel that there's an imbalance in the relationship and provide a few examples," says Smith.

5. Know when it's time to cut them off

If you've expressed your feelings to the person but they aren't making any attempts to change their behavior, it's likely that you'll constantly feel hurt or angry after spending time with them.

At this point, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. "Relationships are meant to be mutually connective and staying in a one-sided romantic relationship or friendship with someone who can't meet basic relational needs will ultimately take a toll on your mental health," says Simonian.

Insider's takeaway

If you are interacting with someone who always makes everything about them, tends to be inconsiderate, or has a big ego, chances are, you're dealing with a self-centered person.

Having a relationship of any type with someone like this can leave you feeling emotionally drained or hurt.

If you want to salvage the relationship, be sure to set boundaries and open up about how you feel, but also know that the relationship might need to end for your own sake if extreme self-centered behavior continues.

Ashley Laderer

Ashley Laderer is a freelance writer from New York who specializes in health and wellness. Follow her on Twitter @ashladerer

10 Great Ways to Deal with Selfish People

Everyone is selfish to a certain extent. While normal levels of self-love, self-value and self-confidence are important for people to function well, there is a line between these characteristics and being a little too self-absorbed, arrogant or just plain narcissistic.

For example, some people are always trying to make others believe that their own world is the better one, while others will always cut you short and try to air their grievances when you wish to air yours. Yet others can talk for hours about themselves, making you feel like you are of lesser importance.

These selfish people love the idea of all for one—only when that one is them. They will dislike and devalue you if you don’t buy into their misplaced “superiority.”

If you’ve met someone very selfish or perhaps have a friend or partner who’s selfish, here are some concrete ways you can deal with them.

1. Accept that selfish people have no regard for others.

The first piece of advice for dealing with selfish people is to be real with yourself.

Accept that the self-centered person might never consider your needs first. As much as this friend or lover means to you, know that they have no regard for others’ feelings or welfare. They can have moments of generosity and charm, but for the most part, they simply lack the skill or willingness to be thoughtful and considerate. This knowledge will give you a clear understanding of where you stand in the relationship.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

2. Give yourself the attention you deserve.

Selfish people are emotional pirates. They crave for your attention, but don’t give you any.

To avoid being wrung dry of emotions, give yourself the attention you’ve been giving the emotional pirate. For example, if there is any discomfort in your physical appearance, head to the barber or boutique and improve it. This is called meeting your own needs, and it’s a great way to boost your ego and pirate-proof your life.

Ignoring your needs to pour attention and energy into a self-absorbed person isn’t virtuous. It only sets you up for being emotionally drained and hurt.

3. Stay true to yourself—don’t stoop to their level.

Selfish people can push your buttons and make you feel like pulling out their hair—don’t do it. Don’t play into their game or engage in behavior that is beneath you. Just be true to yourself.

It’s difficult to be kind to a self-centered person who is brutish or unkind to you, but becoming like them doesn’t help things. Alleviate any feeling of anger you may have towards them by focusing on the person you are and resolving to continue being that considerate and loving person that you know you are.

4. Remind them that the world does not revolve around them.

A self-absorbed person may be so caught up in themselves that they forget to consider your thoughts or feelings. They might just need a little reminder that the world does not revolve around them.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

Speak up and tell them as much without coming across as if you are attacking her. For example, instead of throwing a tantrum and screaming, “You never listen to me; you always make everything about you,” try saying,”I really need to talk to someone about something bothering me. Would you be willing to listen to me?”

5. Starve them of the attention they crave.

This is a powerful strategy to deal with extremely selfish people who refuse to regard others. The trick is to be civil but never offer the attention the self-absorbed person craves. It works by limiting your words to bland, noncommittal comments with them.

For example, instead of saying, “You poor thing, he did that to you?” say, “Yeah, that’s life.” It will baffle and throw them off balance for a while. Remember, attention is your treasure. If you don’t give it to them, they will most likely scamper away.

6. Bring up topics that interest you

Whatever interests you—carpentry, cooking, politics, you name it—bring it up in conversations with a self-absorbed person instead of pouring all your attention onto the topics he brings up.

For example, if they say, “You won’t believe what my girlfriend said to me!” reply with something like, “Hey, do you know how much Bill Cosby is worth?” The more random the topic you bring up and the more unrelated to the selfish person’s topic, the better.

Keep focusing on your real interests no matter what, and watch him try to escape from you when he realizes you’re not interested in his self-centered stories.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

7. Stop doing favors for them.

Selfish people always ask for favors, but they squirm out of helping you when you need their help. That’s just how they operate.

While it is important to be tolerant and give a selfish friend or partner a chance to change, it is also important not to enable their selfishness—especially if it ends up hurting you. So, when a selfish person asks you for too many favors, don’t give in and let them walk all over you.

Assert yourself and make it clear that you don’t appreciate being made to feel as if you are not important or as if you are of a lower status. If you get into a position where you have to defend your stand, make it short and to the point since selfish people are not the best listeners and may not even listen to you anyway.

8. Limit the time you spend together.

Once you realize that someone is too selfish and self-absorbed, it is high time you stayed away from them. Limit your time together as much as possible.

If you used to have coffee dates every evening, space the dates farther and farther apart, and stop calling and replying to all their messages. You may be met with a myriad of reactions from disinterest to tantrums and anger, but hold firm. Your time is better off spent alone than with overwhelmingly selfish people.

9. Actively seek better friends.

Recall the pain, agony, hurt and exhaustion of giving intense emotional energy to selfish, inconsiderate people and decide no more. Refuse to allow yourself to get attached to such friends. Instead, seek new friends who pay as much attention to you as you do to them. You can make new friends by going out more and interacting with new people at social events, religious places of worship and volunteer centers.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

Once you have new, better friendsyou can entertain yourselves with tales of the selfish person who pillaged your energy and plundered your emotions for a while—or not.

10. End the relationship.

If the selfish person you are dealing with does not seem capable of changing, they may be more than just self-centered and selfish— they may be a narcissist.

Narcissists are not only selfish and self-absorbed, but also lack feelings of sympathy and purposely use others. They are harder to deal with than the average selfish person. In this case, you can try asking them to get professional help, but if that doesn’t work cut all links with them and end the relationship outright.

Final Thoughts

Life is too short to be bogged down by selfish people and tied down in toxic relationships that suck the energy and happiness out of you. Spot the selfish people around you and learn how to deal with them to protect yourself from being hurt or taken advantage of.

Featured photo credit: Amber Kipp via unsplash.com

5 effective tips on how to communicate with difficult people

Contents of the article

Almost anyone can find a common language with a nice person, when common topics are immediately found, the conversation becomes interesting and exciting. But how often do we come across such people?! Sometimes you have to establish communication with difficult people at work, in everyday life, and not everyone can cope with this. This skill can be useful for you to complete tasks and solve various problems. Let's take a look at 5 working methods that will help you cope with even the most difficult personalities. nine0003

Be calm

Being calm will help you hide your emotions and prevent another person from influencing you. Most conflicters deliberately behave in such a way as to piss off a person and begin to sort things out with him. Here it is important not to succumb to tricks, take a couple of breaths, relieve internal tension and calmly continue the dialogue. When a difficult person feels that you are confident and not going to defend yourself, then he will lose the desire to behave in this way. nine0003

Empathize with the interlocutor

Often difficult people behave defiantly because they are overwhelmed with pain that eats from the inside. In such a situation, a person needs sympathy, not abuse and punishment. Therefore, try to put yourself in the place of your interlocutor, feel what the person feels, and pay attention to him.

Interact Consciously

Conscious communication is when you can disengage negative emotions by remaining calm, reasonable, and direct throughout the conversation. This is the ability to conduct a constructive conversation, not paying attention to sarcasm or irony. For example, to interrupt the endless stream of thoughts, ask directly "what do you end up offering?". Or, to discourage the interlocutor and dispel anger, answer that perhaps the interlocutor is right. Do not use categorical words like “always”, “never”, “impossible” in communication. You will find even more useful recommendations in the course “Building Relationships the Right Way”. After training, you will be able to build good relationships not only with colleagues at work, but also with your team, family and children. nine0003

Stop the conversation if it has gone too far

If you behaved confidently and consciously, sympathized with the person, but the conversation is still accompanied by negativity. So it's time to stop it. This can be done using the following phrases:

“Are you sure that your proposal is the only correct one?”
"Do you think I don't understand what you are trying to do now?"
“After listening to all your reproaches and complaints, I understand that you talked too much about this. What way out of this situation do you propose? nine0024

Set boundaries

Another way to sober up a person and put him in his place is to point out your boundaries, which should not be violated. To do this, speak to the interlocutor confidently, in a strong and calm voice, looking directly into his eyes. Tell the person "I see you've had a difficult day, let's end this conversation." Such behavior, if not reassuring, will definitely sober a person and make him think.

How to stop worrying about what others think of you

January 31, 2021 Life

You can spend your whole life worrying about other people's opinions. Or you can become smarter and save yourself a lot of nerves.

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Why do we care about other people's opinion

Each person wants to please others, dreams of being attractive in the eyes of others. Many constantly monitor their Facebook* and Instagram* pages, counting likes and comments. To please others is a desire that came into being with us. nine0003

As we grow older, we learn to separate our thoughts and emotions from the opinions of others, but many of us continue to seek, and in some cases, ask others for approval of our actions. This can lead to serious problems, especially when it comes to self-esteem and happiness. Recently, a survey was conducted, in which 3,000 people took part. 67% of the respondents admitted that their self-esteem directly depends on the opinions of other people.

We react to everything that surrounds us. We have long-held expectations about how the world should work and how the people who inhabit it should behave. And one of our well-established beliefs is that we know how other people should react to us, to our appearance and behavior. nine0003

About 100 years ago, sociologist Charles Cooley developed the theory of the mirror self, the essence of which is as follows:

I am not what I think of myself, and I am not what others think of me. I am what I think about what others think of me.

This proves once again how much importance we attach to other people's opinions.

However, we forget that other people often judge us on the basis of their past experiences, habits, feelings - everything that has nothing to do with us. Therefore, basing self-esteem on the opinions of other people is very unreliable. nine0003

When you completely rely on the evaluation of other people, you try in every way to please them, rise in their eyes, and eventually lose your "I".

But there is good news: we can stop this. We can become self-sufficient and not look at others, wondering how they evaluate our every step.

How not to worry about other people's opinions

1. Remind yourself that many people don't think about you at all

We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how rarely they do. do. nine0003

Ethel Barrett

writer

Nothing could be closer to the truth than this statement. Other people have better things to do than sit and think about you. If it seems to you that someone thinks badly of you, mentally criticizes you, stop: maybe this is a figment of your imagination? Perhaps this is just an illusion that is fueled by your inner fears and self-doubt. If you constantly engage in self-flagellation, it will become a real problem that will poison your whole life. nine0003

2. Think with your head

Sit down and in a calm atmosphere think about the place in your life that other people's opinions occupy. Think about situations in which the evaluations of others are meaningful to you. Determine how you respond to them. If you understand that the assessments and opinions of others determine your self-esteem, then consider changing your behavior model.

Say to yourself: "Instead of relying on others again, I will learn to listen and hear my own thoughts and think exclusively with my own head." Learn to cut off unnecessary noise, to separate the wheat from the chaff. The more often you do this, the faster it will become a habit. nine0003

The ultimate goal of all this is to never let the opinions of others determine who you are and how you live. Understand that no one will ever be able to make you feel like a "little man" unless you yourself give him this power.

3. Feel free - don't seek to know what others think of you

When people start to expose their creations to the public, such as blogging, they often worry about whether others will like you. They worry even more when they torment themselves with thoughts that other people do not like their work. Until one day they realize how much strength and energy they spend on these useless experiences. nine0003

Have a new mantra that you repeat to yourself day after day:

This is my life, my choice, my mistakes and my lessons. I shouldn't care what others think about it.

4. Notice what really matters

People will always think what they want. You cannot control the thoughts of others. Even if you choose your words carefully and have excellent manners, this does not mean that you will be good for everyone. Everything can be misinterpreted and turned upside down. nine0003

What really matters is how you rate yourself. Therefore, when making important decisions, try to be 100% true to your beliefs and values. Never be afraid to do what you think is right.

Begin by listing 5-10 qualities that are important to you. For example:

honesty;
self-respect;
self-discipline;
compassion;
focus on success and so on.

If you have a list like this, you will be much less likely to make unbalanced decisions, you will have a system of principles and, ultimately, you will have something to respect yourself for.

5. Stop thinking that not being liked by someone is the end of the world

What if they don't like me? What if the person I care about refuses me? What if I am considered a black sheep? These and similar questions too often torment people. Remember: if someone doesn't like you, and even if the person you care about doesn't feel the same way about you, it's not the end of the world. nine0003

But we continue to be afraid of this mythical "end of the world" and allow our fears to get the best of us, while we ourselves constantly feed them.

Ask yourself: “If my fears come true and the worst happens, what will I do?” Tell yourself a story (or better yet, write it down) about how you will feel after the rejection, how disappointed you will be, and then you will realize that this is a negative, but still experience, and you will move on.

Learn more