How to deal with a toxic relationship
What Is a Toxic Relationship? 14 Signs and What to Do
In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Sure, you might disagree from time to time or come upon other bumps in the road, but you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
Toxic relationships are another story. In a toxic relationship, you might consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner, according to relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo, which can suggest that some things need to change.
Maybe the relationship no longer feels at all enjoyable, though you still love your partner. For some reason, you always seem to rub each other the wrong way or can’t seem to stop arguing over minor issues. You might even dread the thought of seeing them, instead of looking forward to it as you did in the past.
Below, we’ll explore some hallmark signs of toxicity in a relationship, plus offer some guidance on next steps if you recognize any of these signs in yourself or your partner.
Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious, explains Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of “Joy from Fear.”
When you’re in a toxic relationship, you might not always find it easy to notice the red flags popping up. All the same, you could notice some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.
1. Lack of support
“Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,” Caraballo says. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition.
In short, the time you spend together no longer feels positive. You don’t feel supported or encouraged, and you can’t trust them to show up for you. Instead, you might get the impression that your needs and interests don’t matter, that they only care about what they want.
2. Toxic communication
Instead of kindness and mutual respect, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm or criticism and fueled by contempt — a predictor of divorce.
Do you catch yourself making snide remarks to your friends or family members? Maybe you repeat what they said in a mocking tone when they’re in another room. You may even start dodging their calls, just to get a break from the inevitable arguments and hostility.
3. Envy or jealousy
While it’s perfectly fine to experience a little envy from time to time, Caraballo explains it can become an issue if your envy keeps you from thinking positively about your partner’s successes.
The same goes for jealousy. Yes, it’s a perfectly natural human emotion. But when it leads to constant suspicion and mistrust, it can quickly begin to erode your relationship.
4. Controlling behaviors
Does your partner ask where you are all the time? Maybe they become annoyed or irritated when you don’t immediately answer texts or text you again and again until you do.
These behaviors might stem from jealousy or lack of trust, but they can also suggest a need for control — both of which can contribute to relationship toxicity.
In some cases, these attempts at control can also suggest abuse (more on this later).
5. Resentment
Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy.
“Over time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger,” Caraballo notes.
Note, too, whether you tend to nurse these grievances quietly because you don’t feel safe speaking up when something bothers you. If you can’t trust your partner to listen to your concerns, your relationship could be toxic.
6. Dishonesty
You find yourself constantly making up lies about your whereabouts or who you meet up with — whether that’s because you want to avoid spending time with your partner or because you worry how they’ll react if you tell them the truth.
7. Patterns of disrespect
Being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are a red flag, Manly says.
Keep in mind that some people may truly struggle with making and keeping plans on time, so it may help to start with a conversation about this behavior.
If it’s not intentional, you might notice some improvement after you explain why it bothers you.
8. Negative financial behaviors
Sharing finances with a partner often involves some level of agreement about how you’ll spend or save your money. That said, it’s not necessarily toxic if one partner chooses to spend money on items the other partner doesn’t approve of.
It can be toxic, though, if you’ve come to an agreement about your finances and one partner consistently disrespects that agreement, whether by purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money.
9. Constant stress
Ordinary life challenges that come up — a family member’s illness, job loss — can create some tension in your relationship, of course. But finding yourself constantly on edge, even when you aren’t facing stress from outside sources, is a key indicator that something’s off.
This ongoing stress can take a toll on physical and mental health, and you might frequently feel miserable, mentally and physically exhausted, or generally unwell.
10. Ignoring your needs
Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity, says clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD.
Say they planned a vacation that will take you out of town on your mom’s birthday. But when they asked you what dates were convenient, you emphasized that any dates were fine — as long as you didn’t miss your mom’s birthday on the 17th.
You don’t want to point this out, since you don’t want to start a fight. So you say, “Great! I’m so excited.”
11. Lost relationships
You’ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in your relationship.
Alternatively, you might find that dealing with your partner (or worrying about your relationship) occupies much of your free time.
12. Lack of self-care
In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits, Lawsin explains.
You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time. This might happen because you don’t have the energy for these activities or because your partner disapproves when you do your own thing.
13. Hoping for change
You might stay in the relationship because you remember how much fun you had in the beginning. Maybe you think that if you just change yourself and your actions, they’ll change as well.
14. Walking on eggshells
You worry that by bringing up problems, you’ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to yourself.
Many people assume toxic relationships are doomed, but that isn’t always the case.
The deciding factor? Both partners must want to change, Manly says. “If only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is — unfortunately — little likelihood that change will occur.”
A few signs you might be able to work things out together:
Acceptance of responsibility
If both you and your partner know the relationship is struggling and want to improve it, you’re on the right track.
Recognizing past behaviors that have harmed the relationship is vital on both ends, Manly adds. It reflects an interest in self-awareness and self-responsibility.
To put it another way, both partners should accept their part in contributing to the toxicity, from resentment to jealousy to not speaking out about concerns and disappointments.
Willingness to invest
Are both you and your partner both willing to invest in making the relationship better? That’s a good sign.
“This may manifest by an interest in deepening conversations,” Manly says, or setting aside regular blocks of time for spending quality time together.
Shift from blaming to understanding
If you’re both able to steer the conversation away from blaming and more toward understanding and learning, there may be a path forward.
For example, instead of saying, “It’s your fault” or “You always do XYZ” you might try, “I think we misunderstood each other, so let’s try again” or “I understand why you’re feeling stressed and upset — how can we work on that together?”
These communication techniques can help.
Openness to outside help
Sometimes, you might need help to get things back on track, either through individual or couples counseling.
There’s no shame in getting professional help to address consistent relationship issues. Sometimes, you can’t pick up on everything contributing to the toxicity from inside the relationship, and relationship counselors are trained to offer a neutral perspective and unbiased support.
They can also teach you new strategies for addressing and resolving conflict, making it easier to create healthier patterns that stick.
Looking for online therapy? Check out our guide.
According to Manly, repairing a toxic relationship will take time, patience, and diligence.
This is especially the case, Manly adds, “given that most toxic relationships often occur as a result of longstanding issues in the current relationship or as a result of unaddressed issues from prior relationships.”
These steps can help you turn things around.
Don’t dwell on the past
Sure, part of repairing the relationship will likely involve addressing past events. But this shouldn’t be the sole focus of your relationship moving forward.
Resist the temptation to constantly refer back to negative scenarios, since this can leave both of you tense, frustrated, and basically right back where you started.
View your partner with compassion
When you find yourself wanting to blame your partner for all the problems in the relationship, try taking a step back and looking at the potential motivators behind their behavior, Caraballo says.
Have they recently gone through a hard time at work? Had some family drama weighing heavily on their mind?
These challenges don’t excuse bad behavior, but they can help you come to a better understanding of where it comes from.
Considering your own contributions, too. Do you tend to withdraw when upset, instead of sharing your concerns? Do you criticize your partner if they don’t do chores the way you prefer? These habits could also play a part.
Start therapy
An openness to therapy can be a good sign that mending the relationship is possible. In order to help the relationship move forward, though, you’ll actually need to reach out to schedule that first appointment.
While couples counseling is a good starting point, individual therapy can be a helpful addition, Manly says. Individual therapy offers a safe space to explore attachment issues and other factors that might contribute to relationship concerns. It also helps you get more insight on toxic behaviors versus abusive ones.
Concerned about the cost? Our guide to affordable therapy can help.
You can also get started by trying couples counseling techniques on your own.
Find support
Regardless of whether you decide to try therapy, look for other support opportunities.
Support might involve talking to a close friend or trusted mentor, for example. Other options could include joining a local support group for couples or partners dealing with specific issues in their relationship, such as infidelity or substance use.
Practice healthy communication
Pay close attention to how you talk to each other as you mend things. Be gentle with each other, and try to avoid sarcasm and even mild jabs.
Also focus on using “I” statements, especially when talking about relationship issues.
For example, instead of saying “You don’t listen to what I’m saying,” you could say “I feel hurt when you take out your phone while I’m talking because it gives me the impression that what I say doesn’t matter.”
Be accountable
“Both partners must acknowledge their part in fostering the toxicity,” Lawsin emphasizes.
This means identifying and taking responsibility for your own actions in the relationship. It also means committing to staying present and engaged during difficult conversations, instead of avoiding those discussions or mentally checking out.
Heal individually
It’s important for each of you to individually determine what you need from the relationship and where your boundaries lie, Lawsin advises.
Even if you feel like you already know your needs and boundaries, it’s worth revisiting them and then sharing them with your partner.
Talking through boundaries is a good first step. Remember, though, that boundaries are flexible, so it’s important to keep discussing them as they change over time
The process of rebuilding a damaged relationship offers a good opportunity to reevaluate how you feel about certain elements of the relationship, from communication needs to physical intimacy.
Hold space for the other’s change
Remember, things won’t change overnight. Over the coming months, work together on being flexible and patient with each other as you grow.
Toxicity in a relationship can take many forms, including emotional or verbal abuse. Still, it’s not always possible to draw a clear line between toxicity and abuse.
Toxic relationships are unhealthy, but they’re not necessarily abusive. Sometimes, toxic behavior isn’t intentional — though, of course, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.
Keep in mind, too, that many unhealthy relationships involve toxic behavior from both partners, even when neither partner behaves in an abusive way.
Abuse, on the other hand, stems from a desire to hold power over someone else and control their behavior, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Since abuse often happens gradually, in subtle ways, you may not always recognize it easily, especially if the relationship has been toxic for some time.
There’s never an excuse for abusive behavior. Though change is possible for anyone, you can’t make your partner change. They have to choose that route themselves.
That’s why, if you recognize any of the following signs of physical or emotional abuse, a good next step involves working with a therapist or domestic violence advocate to create a plan to safely leave the relationship. (You’ll find some helpful resources below.)
Diminished self-worth
Your partner blames you for everything that goes wrong and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right.
They may do this by patronizing, dismissing, or embarrassing you in public.
The ongoing result?
“You end up feeling small, confused, shamed, and often exhausted,” Manly says.
Chronic stress, anxiety, or doubt
It’s typical to have periods of frustration with your partner or doubts about your future together. But you shouldn’t spend significant amounts of time worrying about the relationship or your safety.
An abusive partner might say things that make you doubt the security of the relationship, or even your own self-worth:
- “You’re lucky I’m with you. I could have anyone.”
- “If you don’t want to have sex with me, I’ll find someone else who will.”
Separation from friends and family
Sometimes, dealing with a toxic relationship can lead you to withdraw from friends and family. But an abusive partner may forcefully distance you from your support network.
They might snatch your phone while you’re talking, answer it for you and say you’re busy, or make such a fuss when you say you have plans that you end up canceling.
They may also convince you that your loved ones don’t want to hear from you, anyway.
Interference with work or school
An abusive partner may prevent you from seeking employment or studying in order to isolate and control you.
They may also attempt to humiliate you at your workplace or school by causing a scene, talking to your boss or teachers, or lying to your co-workers and classmates.
Fear and intimidation
An abusive partner might explode with rage or use intimidation tactics, such as slamming their fists into walls or not allowing you to leave the house during a fight.
Name-calling and put-downs
Insults aimed to humiliate and belittle your interests, appearance, or accomplishments all count as verbal abuse.
Someone using verbal abuse tactics might say things like:
- “You’re worthless.”
- “You can’t do anything right.”
- “No one else could ever love you.”
Financial restriction
Financial abuse tactics involve:
- controlling the money that comes in
- preventing you from having your own bank account
- restricting your access to credit cards
- giving you a daily allowance and making you ask for more
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that makes you question your own feelings, instincts, and sanity.
Someone trying to gaslight you may:
- insist something you remember never happened
- tell you they never said something when you clearly remember it
- accuse you of being the one with anger and control issues
Threats of self-harm
Threatening to hurt themselves in order to pressure you into doing something is a manipulation tactic.
If they mention suicide, take them seriously and encourage them to connect with a crisis helpline or reach out for other support.
Just know supporting them doesn’t mean agreeing to what they want.
Physical violence
Threats and verbal insults can escalate to physical violence. If your partner is pushing, shoving, or hitting you, it’s a clear sign that the relationship has become dangerous.
If you’ve decided it’s time to move on from the relationship, these strategies can help you do so safely:
- Get support from a therapist or domestic violence advocate.
They can help you make a safety plan and access resources for additional support. - Open up to loved ones. You don’t have to do this alone. Family and friends can offer emotional support, but they may also be in a position to offer more tangible support, like a place to stay or help moving while your partner’s out.
- Bring a friend. Don’t feel safe having a breakup conversation with your partner alone? Ask a trusted loved one to come with you. Knowing you have their support may help you stick to your decision to leave, even if your partner tries to convince you otherwise.
- Change your phone number. If this isn’t possible, block your partner’s number and social media accounts so you won’t feel tempted to respond if they reach out.
- Take care of yourself. Leaving any relationship can feel painful and distressing. Honor your needs by taking time for relaxation, sleep, and self-care, along with time to heal before starting a new relationship.
Find more tips to break up with someone in any situation.
Get help now
If you suspect abuse in your relationship, trust your instincts and consider reaching out to these resources to safely navigate next steps:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides services at no cost and offers 24/7 chat and phone support.
- Day One is a nonprofit organization that works with youth to end dating abuse and domestic violence through community education, supportive services, legal advocacy, and leadership development.
- DomesticShelters.org is a mobile-friendly, searchable directory that can help you quickly find domestic violence programs and shelters in the United States and Canada.
Toxic communication and behavior patterns can crack and corrode the foundations of your relationship, but you don’t have to stand by and watch your bond with your partner crumble.
When you and your partner both want to create change, a relationship therapist can help you begin to identify underlying factors contributing to relationship toxicity and explore healthy, compassionate approaches to communication and problem-solving.
Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.
How to Handle a Toxic Relationship
Last week, I had lunch with a friend. As we were walking out, she mentioned that she had to see someone who hadn’t always been kind to her, a relationship that caused her more stress and suffering than anything else. She’d been avoiding the meeting, but now it looked inevitable.
“She just makes me so anxious,” she said, gritting her teeth. I’ve been there myself. Lots of times. Seriously toxic relationships call for us to cut off contact altogether; others, though also toxic, seem impossible to avoid. Perhaps you have a constantly criticizing mother-in-law, or a neighbor who seems emotionally stuck in seventh grade. Maybe it’s a boss who belittles you when he’s stressed—or someone who is so under your skin you hold entire conversations with them in your head.
If you, too, have struggled with a toxic relationship, I hope this little instruction manual will help you.
1. Accept that you are in a difficult situation, dealing with a very difficult relationship
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Your choices here are fairly limited, and, strangely, acceptance is always the best choice. You can judge and criticize the other person, but that will probably make you feel tense and lonely. Alternately, you could nurse your anxiety and despair that you’ll never be able to get along with them, which will make you feel stressed and sad. You can definitely deny their existence or pretend that they aren’t bothering you. You can block their texts and emails, and avoid every situation where they’ll turn up.
These are all tactics of resistance, and they won’t protect you. Ironically, these tactics will allow the other person to further embed themselves into your psyche.
What does work is to accept that your relationship with them is super hard, and also that you are trying to make it less hard. This gentle acceptance does not mean that you are resigned to a life of misery, or that the situation will never get better. Maybe it will—and maybe it won’t. Accepting the reality of a difficult relationship allows us to soften. And this softening will open the door to your own compassion and wisdom.
Trust me: You are going to need those things.
2. The other person will probably tell you that you are the cause of all their bad feelings
This is not true. You are not responsible for their emotions. You never have been, and you never will be. Don’t take responsibility for their suffering; if you do, they will never have the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves.
3. Tell the truth
When you lie (perhaps to avoid upsetting them), you become complicit in the creation and maintenance of their reality, which is poisonous to you.
For example, they might ask you if you forgot to invite them to a party. You can easily say yes, that it was a mistake that they didn’t get the Evite, and did they check their spam folder?
But lying is very stressful for human beings, maybe the most stressful thing. Lie detectors detect not lies, but the subconscious stress and fear that lying causes. This will not make the relationship less toxic.
So, instead, tell the truth. Be sure to tell them your truth instead of your judgment, or what you imagine to be true for other people. Don’t say “I didn’t invite you because it would stress Mom out too much to have you there” or “I didn’t invite you because you are a manipulative drama queen who will find some way to make the evening about you.”
Instead, tell them your truth: “When you are in my home, I feel jittery and nervous, and I can’t relax, so I didn’t invite you to the party. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt your feelings.
”
It takes courage to tell the truth, because often it makes people angry. But they will probably be mad at you anyway, no matter what you do. They almost certainly won’t like the new, truth-telling you—and that will make them likely to avoid you in the future. This might be a good thing.
4. If you feel angry or afraid, bring your attention to your breath and do not speak (or write) to the person until you feel calm
It’s normal to want to defend yourself, but remember that anger and anxiety weaken you. Trust that soothing yourself is the only effective thing you can do right now. If you need to excuse yourself, go ahead and step out. Even if it is embarrassing or it leaves people hanging.
5. Have mercy
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Anne Lamott defines mercy as radical kindness bolstered by forgiveness, and it allows us to alter a communication dynamic, even when we are interacting with someone mired in anger or fear or jealousy. We do this by offering them a gift from our heart. You probably won’t be able to get rid of your negative thoughts about them, and you won’t be able to change them, but you can make an effort to be a loving person. Can you buy them a cup of coffee? Can you hold space for their suffering? Can you send a loving-kindness meditation their way?
Forgiveness takes this kindness to a whole new level. I used to think I couldn’t really forgive someone who’d hurt me until they’d asked for forgiveness, preferably in the form of a moving and remorseful apology letter.
But I’ve learned that to heal ourselves we must forgive whether or not we’re asked for forgiveness, and whether or not the person is still hurting us.
When we do, we feel happier and more peaceful. This means that you might need to forgive the other person at the end of every day—or, on bad days, every hour. Forgiveness is an ongoing practice, not a one-time deal.
When we find ways to show mercy to even the person who has cost us sleep and love and even our well-being, something miraculous happens. “When we manage a flash of mercy for someone we don’t like, especially a truly awful person, including ourselves,” Anne Lamott writes, “we experience a great spiritual moment, a new point of view that can make us gasp.”
Here’s the real miracle: Our mercy boomerangs back to us. When we show radical kindness, forgiveness, and acceptance—and when we tell the truth in even the most difficult relationship—we start to show ourselves those things. We realize that we can love and forgive and accept even the most terrible aspects of our own being, even if it is only for a moment. We start to show ourselves the truth, and this makes us feel free.
And, in my experience, this makes all we have suffered worth it.
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How to fix a toxic relationship
An argument in which both are to blame and no longer remember how it all started. One conversation in raised tones - and long days, or even weeks of silence. Toxic relationships manifest themselves in many ways, but one thing remains the same: they are based on an unhealthy interaction pattern. How to change the situation and where to start?
Someone always unconsciously seeks to put the needs and desires of a spouse, best friend, or even a casual acquaintance above their own. It hurts someone to admit someone's rightness, and someone - their own. Most people at least once in their lives have been involved in a toxic relationship that makes them suffer. Some may interact with others only in this way, never getting satisfaction.
If you experience relationship problems as unsolvable, the relationship is likely toxic.
Despite the permanent feeling that “everything is bad”, it is possible to change your behavior pattern, and therefore improve your interaction with others. How to do it and where to start, tell practicing psychotherapists Melissa Lopez and Beth Strong.
Track how destructive behavior is triggered
Sometimes it is useful to observe your own behavior in relationships, find out what role you usually play, what schemes you act on. Without realizing and accepting that your actions are destructive, it is impossible to move forward. Of course, such self-examination requires effort.
Nevertheless, it is not worth looking for the source of current problems in relations with others for a long time. The main experience of interaction with other people we get at an early age in our family. If a child's self-expression resulted solely in misunderstanding or rejection from adults, growing up, he may avoid contact with people because he does not want to feel again what he felt when he was small.
Children from families where one of the parents (or both) was a manipulator, in adulthood often question any words and actions of others, even those who really love them. This is how unhealthy strategies for interacting with others are developed to avoid traumatic situations.
Social factors often influence the way people build relationships. Behavior can be dictated by cultural and religious traditions, social oppression of minorities and people from other countries. All this can create patterns that people follow when interacting with others.
Recognize and accept your pattern of behavior
Once you have identified your habitual destructive reactions in relationships, take responsibility for them. It's not about just apologizing to the other person for your behavior, it's about acknowledging your part in building a toxic relationship. Understanding that some of our habits are unhealthy is the first step towards changing relationships with others for the better.
Slow down your conversation
When looking for new ways to interact with other people, a simple trick can help: slow down your speech, listen carefully and say everything you were going to say in detail. When people have known each other for a long time, they often think that they have a great idea of what the other person is going to talk about, how he thinks and how he feels. Drive such thoughts away. Focus on listening to the other person without taking their words as criticism or aggression, and also try to clearly communicate your emotional message.
For example, the phrase "You no longer kiss me when you meet" can be perceived as a reproach, an expression of discontent. But if you think that behind it lies a message in the spirit of "Our greetings no longer seem like something special, as they used to be" , then this can be a starting point for discussing the current relationship between partners. Perhaps one of them has drifted away, and the other does not understand why this happened, and does not know if he can help.
Make time for an important conversation
Serious conversations work better when they are planned, as they take time and the right attitude. Therefore, when you are going to talk to someone in detail, it is best to contact this person in advance: “There is something that bothers me, and I want to discuss it in a calm atmosphere. When would it be convenient for you to have such a conversation for 20 or 30 minutes?” And then, at the appointed time, say what you were going to, without being distracted.
The most important thing in such a conversation is to separate the discussion of the situation from the presentation of claims and enumeration of words or actions that led to it. The task of such conversations is not to attack and “finish off” the other, but to hear the interlocutor and be heard yourself.
Take your chance to change
Knowing there is a problem gives you a chance to fix it. We all show bad behavior towards others from time to time.
But, having understood its causes, you can identify your internal problems that need to be worked out, and achieve personal growth, which seemed impossible to even dream of. Being open to identifying one's own destructive relationship habits can help resolve interaction difficulties associated with family trauma and/or social oppression. All this needs to be “unpacked”, only then it will become clear why we build relationships in a certain way and often find ourselves unhappy in them. It can help us become better friends, spouses, and people.
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It's okay, but I'm getting worse and worse: what are toxic relationships and how to avoid them
Why patriarchy literally pushing us into a toxic relationship? How to distinguish them from situations where partners just need to learn how to talk to each other? And is it possible to recognize a toxic person so as not to find yourself with him in the registry office? We publish the most important from the interview of Maria Komandnaya with family psychologist Marina Travkova for the podcast "Thank you, I'm fine"
Marina Travkova — family psychologist, marital and sex therapist, specialist in work with marital conflicts, sexual dysfunctions, domestic violence.
In the YouTalk “Thanks, I'm Fine” podcast (which was shortlisted for the Forbes Woman Mercury Awards, by the way), she talked about what relationships can be called toxic, why it is important to be able to say “no”, what cheating in a couple says, and Is it true that in a dependent relationship, everyone chooses one of three roles - the aggressor, the victim, or the rescuer. You can listen to the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Yandex.Music 9 platforms0028 a .
What is a toxic relationship
The term "toxic relationship" is unscientific, academic psychology does not use it. It appeared 15–20 years ago as a tracing paper from some American books. This is such an analogy with toxic waste, which is not visible to the eye, but spreads a harmful effect. So they began to call, first of all, emotional abuse, implying a relationship when everything seems to be fine, but you feel worse and worse. The term took root, went to the people.
Now the wave of its popularity is already subsiding.
Such relationships can be called toxic when one person deliberately, consciously or semi-consciously, manipulates another, instilling in him a sense of shame and worthlessness.
If the relationship is such that one physically threatens the other, humiliates and beats, then here one should not talk about terms, but first of all retire to a safe place. But the types of violence are different - emotional, economic. For example, when a woman is on maternity leave, and her husband gives her money strictly for bread and also asks why she spent so much. The first thing you should pay attention to is the balance of power in the relationship.
When each of the partners has somewhere to move out in case of emergency; when everyone can hire a lawyer and sue; when everyone has a source of income, and you swear about who should give in to whose rules, this is not toxicity, but communication problems.
When you just need to talk: avoidance, high expectations, loneliness
Often people call relationships toxic when they assume that a partner should behave the way they want. When one partner does not separate his own picture of the world from the picture of the world of another. When he believes that he can convince his partner of the correctness of his views with a certain word, and if he is not convinced, then he is toxic.
Sometimes one partner ignores the other's requests because they are afraid of open conflict. Many develop this strategy in adolescence: when mom reads a long lecture, you need to pretend that you are listening carefully so that you are left behind. Because if you argue, you will get three times longer and louder quarrel with consequences in the form of silence, punishment for the next day and so on. In men, it is added that they are taught from childhood that they cannot show their emotions.
When this manifests itself in an adult relationship, the second partner seems to be washing his hands of the first, hanging the label of toxicity on the first. Two people fit together like a puzzle: one does not see how he presses, the other does not see how he avoids.
There is a harmful stereotype about romantic love that says that you will meet a person who will be completely and completely focused on you. When the romantic period passes - which is normal for any relationship - and the person in love with you returns to their usual interests, it can be painful and insulting. If the offense is put aside, it turns out that behind it is someone vulnerable and small dreaming of being "taken in hand" and loved in any manifestations. It’s scary to admit “It hurts and feels bad, because I am emotionally dependent on you” - they can hit the patient. Therefore, we begin to hide behind resentment, anger, irritation. But such that the partner satisfies all our needs simply does not happen.
In addition, we are changing, there are dynamics in relations, new challenges and needs arise. Flexibility and communication are very important here.
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Cheating is a multifaceted construct, it is a whole cluster of situations. Many betrayals are committed because a person did not want to harm a partner, but felt so alone that he grabbed someone else. There are demonstrative betrayals that are committed to attract the attention of a partner: “Look, they will take me away now. Look, I'm still interested." And if the partner reacts indifferently, this is again a communication problem. One did not report that he lacked attention, the other did not hear.
But it can also be toxic behavior. When a partner cheats openly, on purpose, realizing that he is hurting, enjoying his power. When a man does not hide his mistresses from his wife, he does not hesitate to bring venereal diseases - defiantly, brazenly.
Knowing that she has nowhere to go, that she is busy with children and financially dependent. Sometimes he also says: “What did you want, I’m a man” - and accuses the woman of having grown old, put on weight. This kind of stuff is absolutely toxic.
How to learn to communicate with a partner
When we are stressed, we begin to produce survival behaviors. This is either anger, a cry, or the desire to "merge with the wallpaper." If you look at the amount of stress experienced by Soviet families during the 20th century, it becomes clear that people were simply traumatized. They passed on the disturbed ways of communication to their children, those to theirs, and so on. Both the society and the school were included in this.
The generation that has now come into relationships is trying to learn how to communicate. But communication in a pair is as if still a women's task. Most women are trying to figure out which crooked goat to ride up to their partner so that everything will be fine, but this work is slow on a one-sided basis.
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There are several points on which the ability to communicate is built. First, say "no" - and do it in a way that does not lose touch with the person. Remaining assertive - that is, a person who does not give up his position and at the same time hears and accepts what the other says to him.
Second, learn how to swear correctly. The idea that you can meet a person with whom you will never quarrel is untenable. We are all living people, we all have emotions, including anger, irritation, so you need to learn how to express them correctly and adequately. You can yell at another, or you can separate your anger, acknowledge it at the same time, talk about what causes it. It is also necessary to be able to accept the negative of another, to separate behavior from personality.
Thirdly, you need to be able to negotiate the boundaries of the couple.
How to communicate with family and friends. Are such phenomena as flirting, open relationships acceptable. Or the sudden arrival of my mother. The couple still has to do the work to show everyone that they are together, and the rest are outside.
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Dependent Relationships and Karpman's Triangle
This is a relationship model in which partners in dependent relationships choose one of three roles - victim, aggressor or rescuer. There are many questions about the Karpman triangle. Even Stephen Karpman himself (a psychotherapist, developed the ideas of transactional analysis. - Forbes Woman ) literally two or three years ago, when asked directly, said that his triangle should not be applied to victims of domestic violence.
In relationships we stand on two legs - independence and affection. You won't be able to stand on one leg for a long time and you won't be able to "dance" with your partner.
In order not to dissolve in relationships, we need to feel ourselves. On the other hand, we need a sense of "we", connection, affection, a sense of shoulder, reliability, a common future. This is not established once and for all in the registry office - this can only be achieved through dialogue.
Dependent relationships, like the term "boundaries" by the way, are all unscientific psychology. It's such pop psychological slang. Marriage psychology would call dependent relationships merged, where people strongly dissolve their “I” in a partner. Outwardly, these couples do not necessarily look like some suffering. Very often, merged relationships look like those that are glorified in popular culture: partners are always together, all the time by the hand, one cannot live without the other, they end phrases for each other. It becomes bad where one of the partners suddenly jumped out of this bundle.
Both men and women can be rescuers.
The male rescue epic is “hit, beat off the dragon”, and then you sit on the couch. Relationships that start with rescue are always at risk, because when routine life sets in and there is no one to save, it often turns out that the next dragon is yourself. The female rescue epic is based on non-agency, on the fact that the “right woman” is the one who has laid her life on her family, spouse, and children.
Saving someone in itself is not bad, rescue should not be pathologised. But help must be active. If the one you are saving is doing something himself, and you are helping him, then this is a good story. But if you understand that he will not change, then here you get stuck in this triangle and start running in a circle, when yesterday your husband beat you drunk, and today you are already bringing a glass so that his head does not hurt.
There is no need to save a person who does not try to cope with his own demons. Because when he fails, you will again be to blame.
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How to recognize a toxic person
Even domestic violence sometimes develops in a relationship in which everything was fine for 6-10 years. It's just that a woman gave birth, sat down at home, and the moment of imbalance of power came.
But in terms of building relationships, I would advise you to avoid a person who says right away that he will isolate you from all of you, put you at home and feed you, because a woman should be at home. Our reality is that both adults work in the family, and if it is assumed that one of them gives the other his entire salary and also provides the entire life, this is a reason to think.
It is also worth thinking about when a partner broadcasts that all his past relationships were terrible, and you are perfect. This is a romantic discourse about how you kissed a monster and it turned into something wonderful.
