How to cope with divorce for women

Coping With Separation And Divorce

Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the work day and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.

Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes as a way to cope; they only lead to more problems.

Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse. If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone.

Take time to explore your interests. Reconnect with things you enjoy doing apart from your spouse. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play on an intramural softball team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, and take time to enjoy life and make new friends.

Think positively. Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. If you have children, family traditions will still be important but some of them may need to be adjusted. Help create new family activities.

Life will get back to normal, although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped.

Tips for talking to kids …

If you have children, here’s a short list of tips that can help your young children and teens cope.

Reassure and listen. Make sure your kids know that your divorce is not their fault. Listen to and ease their concerns, and be compassionate but direct in your responses.

Maintain stability and routines. Try to keep your kids’ daily and weekly routines as familiar and stable as possible.

Offer consistent discipline. Now that your kids may share time with both parents separately, make sure to agree in advance on bedtimes, curfews and other everyday decisions, as well as any punishments.

Let your children know they can rely on you. Make and keep realistic promises. And don’t overly confide in them about your feelings about the divorce.

Don’t involve your children in the conflict. Avoid arguing with or talking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. Don’t use them as spies or messengers, or make them take sides.

How To Cope With Divorce As A Woman?

Women appear more ready, willing, and able to accept the end of a marriage as compared to men. We say this because at least, nationwide, 69% of divorces are initiated by women, and that number is growing. The National Center for Health Statistics, as recently as 2020, claim that 80% of divorces are initiated by women.

From our point of view, the three biggest changes in your life will be your identity, your finances, and your relationship with your children.

1. Your Identity Changes. Embrace it!

When in a marriage, you are part of a team. Most partners consider the other partner when making decisions and accommodate the other in the decision process. Compromise is part of marriage. The music you listen, the food you eat, the people you hang out with may all change throughout the marriage. Your relationship to your siblings, parents and best friends all take second seat to your marriage. The demands from family life also move you away from spending time as you did before marriage. When you divorce the changes in your life are profound.

You will find yourself in a place where you make decisions that suit yourself. You have relationships that you alone choose. In sort, you get to dance to the beat of your drum. While these changes are extremely liberating, these changes can also leave you in a place where you may be confused or lonely.

If you can embrace the changes and make the absence of the marriage an opportunity for you to rediscover yourself, divorce and your new life is more likely to be exciting and satisfying. Becoming yourself is liberating. Anticipate these changes and plan for them.

Identify and pursue new friends.
Reconnect with family members and old friends.
Pursue hobbies that you could not before.
Don’t get lost in the emotional upheaval of the divorce.
Clear a path for your new life and walk down it!

2. Develop A Financial Plan

Separation and divorce create serious disruption to personal finances. You will no longer be sharing living expenses. Your rent or mortgage, utility bills, automobile insurance – will be yours alone. You will be incurring costs associated with divorce. Your effective rate of taxes will increase. Your ability to save will decrease. It is important to anticipate and quantify the financial impact.

Many people find that consulting with a financial planner better enables them to plan for the future. In addition to consulting with a financial planner, you should also create a budget. Taking a close look at what your net take home pay will be after the divorce, and what your monthly living expenses will be is a very important step to a successful post-divorce life.

If you have children, chances are you will be paying or receiving child support – anticipate this expense.

3. If You Are Going to Have Physical Custody of Your Children, Be Prepared

After divorce, more than 82% of women have physical custody of their children. I know when I divorced, I had physical custody of my children. It was commonplace just 15 years ago. However, times are changing quickly. In 1994, 16% of fathers got custody of the children after divorce. In 1994 this percentage increased to 17.5%. Three years ago the percentage increased to 20.1%. Over the last ten years or so, in my practice, there have been profound changes in child custody.

In almost every case, fathers want equal access to their children. Mothers are more likely to agree to a shared physical custody arrangement. Working fulltime and having physical custody of your children, is demanding and leaves little time for you to have your own life. This is damaging to the moms and the children. It is worthwhile considering whether it may be in your children’s best interest to spend more time with the other parent. You should only consider shared physical custody; however, if you can peacefully co-parent with the other parent.

If you are considering divorce and you have minor children, before deciding what custodial arrangement you think is best for your children, do some research. Take a close look at the relationship your children have with you and have with the other parent. Understand the strengths and weaknesses that each of you will impart to the children. Assuming your spouse is not mentally ill, does not have substance abuse issues or anger-management problems, co-parenting and shared custody may be what is best for you in your new life and best for the fullest development of your children as they grow into adults.

For any person, divorce is a tough and challenging situation to face. Smart women take the divorce situation as an opportunity to become independent and grow in life. The divorce process might take time, but with patience and dedication, women can find happiness with all the challenges ahead. If you are planning to file for divorce, you need to consult an experienced divorce attorney.

At Paré & Associates, LLC (formerly Law Office of Alice Paré), we have been helping clients in Germantown, Clarksburg, and throughout Montgomery County for more than thirty (30) years.

Our attorneys are available to meet with you in person, over the phone, or online – however, you prefer.

If you are ready to consult with an attorney, or just need some questions answered, contact us here, go online to schedule an appointment, or call us at (301)515-1190 to set up an initial consultation.

How to survive a divorce for a woman with children: 10 advice from a psychologist

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DivorceRelationship crisis

Remember the rule: put on the oxygen mask first on yourself, then on the child? The same applies in a divorce situation - first stabilize your own condition, otherwise you will not be able to help the child. What do you need to do to bring yourself to your senses?

1. Become aware of what is happening to you

Living through a divorce is like mourning for the dead. A woman goes through the same stages:

shock - the woman does not believe what happened;
anger - attacks of uncontrolled aggression, anger, hatred;
bargaining - a woman agrees to everything, just to get her husband back;
awareness — understanding of what happened comes, depression and apathy often occur;
acceptance — a woman accepts the fact of divorce, comes to terms with reality, begins to build her life further.

Understanding what stage of divorce you are now in and what emotions and experiences are inherent in it, this is already support in a state of crisis.

2. Take a break

The first 2-3 months after a divorce are the hardest. This is the so-called "shock phase", and in a state of shock there is a risk of making a lot of mistakes. Therefore, in order to avoid rash and impulsive actions, allow yourself to take time out and not make any important decisions during this period. Let the brain and psyche return to a more or less stable state, when you can think soberly and rationally.

3. Dose negative by the hour

Anger, fear, despondency, despair, confusion and other negative feelings are normal. You need to experience them and allow the psyche to react to them so that they do not settle inside you in the form of neuroses or other mental abnormalities.

But your task now is to survive the stage of divorce, to remain in a resourceful state in order to live and move on, take care of yourself and your children. So learn to manage your emotions.

Suffer by the hour. Choose two hours a week when you allow yourself to sink into negative experiences, reflections, and emotions. If a wave of negativity hits at another time, say "stop" and return to these thoughts at the indicated hours.

The technique of delay will allow you to keep working, because mental chewing gum, negative emotions and suffering take away a lot of strength, which is already in short supply.

4. Return to the here and now.

Focus on what is happening to you right now. What do you see outside the window? Trees? What are they - high or low, what shape are the leaves on the trees, what color are they? Open the window, breathe in fresh air. What do you feel in your lungs?

Bring thoughts and feelings back to real time from the past or future. Neither the past nor the future exists in the present moment. Returning to the “here and now” state more often, this will provide an opportunity to switch from negative thoughts and reduce anxiety.

5. Feel free to ask for help

Sometimes the fear of appearing weak, unsuccessful, or even worse than others prevents us from asking for help. Do not shut yourself up, do not refuse help, do not heroically try to pull everything out on your own. Ask for and accept support. Greet the kids from school, shop for groceries, help clean up - many of those around you will be happy to help.

6. Take care of your health

Body and mind are inextricably linked. When the psyche suffers, the body must be a strong support for it in order to withstand all the intensity of passions.

Eat right, sleep and rest regularly, and be physically active. Walk more and be in the fresh air, charging the body with energy and stimulating the production of endorphins in the body, the hormones of happiness that you need during this period.

7. Make a contract with yourself for pleasure

Write a list of things that bring you pleasure. Dancing, drawing, sweet tea, movies, a warm blanket, a beautiful candle, a fragrant body cream. Let it be the most insignificant things, the main thing is that they give you a feeling of happiness and pleasure.

Sign an agreement with yourself: at least once a day you will give yourself one item from the list. This will help you maintain a much-needed balance between satisfaction and frustration in your life.

Now that the oxygen mask has bled and you can breathe a little easier, help your child.

8. Never turn a child against a spouse

Children always unconsciously identify themselves as 50% mom and 50% dad. If you tell them what a worthless and dishonorable father they have, they will always take these words personally - because they half identify themselves with their father.

All the negativity that you send to your spouse, you automatically direct to your children as well. The inability to separate oneself from the father and at the same time the desire to please the mother creates an insoluble internal conflict in the child, which can lead to sad consequences.

9. Explain to the children that they are not to blame for the divorce.

Children take their parents' divorce very painfully. They put the blame on themselves. Do not ignore the experiences and feelings of children, discuss with them their doubts and fears. Do not go away from the topic of divorce, do not remain silent. If your children ask about divorce, talk to them about the subject for as long as they need to. But in a conversation, focus on the fact that they are not to blame for what happened.

10. Create an atmosphere of emotional security for children

Children perceive the world by the reaction of their parents. By the way you react to the situation, they judge the global changes in their personal universe. If you are in apathy, depression, or even worse - in aggression, for them this will be the final collapse of their own world.

They will think: since their mother is so ill, it means that their life is in danger and there is no hope for a successful resolution of the situation. Create an atmosphere of safety for children, try to behave positively, calmly, relaxed, friendly in their presence. Reassure the children that everything will be fine. To do this, believe in it yourself.

About the author

Irina Kambulova — psychologist, transactional analyst, dance movement psychotherapist.

Text: Irina Kambulova Photo source: Getty Images

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How to survive a divorce? Psychologist's advice

During the coronavirus pandemic, amid general instability and the need to spend a lot of time together, a couple may decide to divorce. We figure out how to help ourselves in this case.

Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist
service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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Divorce is inevitably associated with difficult experiences - it is always pain, disappointment, collapse of hopes, loss of a sense of stability and security, both for the one who initiated it and for the one who will have to go through this path not of their own free will. There is no way to completely avoid heavy emotions. In any case, it will take enough time for the wounds of mutual grievances to heal.

What you need to understand about divorce, first of all

A husband and wife have been married for some time - a year, five years, ten, twenty. Over the years of living together, each invested strength, material wealth, and time in marriage. Husband and wife develop their own traditions and common habits appear: have breakfast together, go to the dacha on weekends in the summer or go on vacation to the sea, celebrate the New Year with their parents, meet mutual friends, and so on.

Habits create in our life a sense of stability, predictability, serve as a support for us, fill us with confidence in the future. What has become habitual gives us the opportunity to plan our lives - to look a little into the future. Standing on the threshold of life together, people made a promise to be together in sorrow and in joy, until death do them part. At that moment it seemed that it was forever and nothing else. None of them thought that one day the bonds of marriage would be broken and they would meet with the collapse of their hopes, expectations placed on each other, plans for life.

News of a divorce is almost always unexpected. Even if the relationship of the spouses has long passed into the category of "once upon a time there were two neighbors." Even if one of them knew about the betrayals of the other, but was silent in the hope that everything would work out. Even if the spouses often swore, slammed the doors and promised to get a divorce, and after a couple of days they reconciled again or pretended that nothing had happened.

Divorce is a loss. The loss of not only a significant person in life, but also much of what has become familiar, and in some ways - expensive and even irreplaceable. One fine day, everything that created internal stability and nourished hope for tomorrow turned out to be inaccessible. That very expected tomorrow has ceased to exist, as if the future has been taken away from you. "How will I continue to live?" - such a question is more often faced by a partner who has been confronted with the fact of a divorce. The spouse who initiated the breakup comes to this question a little earlier. But the collapse of the future overtakes both.

A still from the movie Wild Life

Divorce is a trauma. For some, it turns into a loss of the ability to enter into a new relationship, since trust in marriage as such has been undermined. In the case of a divorce, a person goes through the same psychological stages as with any severe loss: mourning, denial, anger, bargaining or negotiations, depression, acceptance or adaptation - and both partners go through them: both the initiator and the other side.

The initiator of a divorce, as a rule, goes through the first stage even before talking about it. His spouse enters the first stage at the time of the announcement of the decision to divorce. It is precisely because partners are often at different stages of coping with loss that during the divorce process it can be so difficult for them to understand and hear each other, to agree on anything. This is important to understand and take into account.

There is no difference between how men and women experience loss. There are very emotional men and very reserved women. Both those and others during this period may try to drown out their grief with alcohol, frequent sexual relations, their behavior may be aggressive or seem inadequate.

Stages of Divorce Living

1. Denial

Spouses at this stage often try to pretend that nothing is happening and continue to communicate as before. At this stage, it is important not to avoid your experiences. They help us soberly assess what is happening. If there is a person in your environment whom you trust (friend, parents), talk to him, tell him about what happened. In a supportive environment, give vent to your feelings, tears.

At the denial stage, questions naturally arise: “How could this happen to me?”, “Can I find a person who loves me?”, “Maybe it still forms? Maybe he/she will come back and change his mind?

A person experiences shock, loses support, does not understand what to do and how to live on. He is tormented by pain and fear of separation, loneliness, uncertainty in any future relationship.

2. Anger

Time passes, nothing changes, the spouse does not leave his intention to divorce. Sadness and despair turn into resentment and bitterness: “For what? What did I do / did not do it right? Why did it happen"? Hatred rises towards the initiator of the break: “You left me!” The question "For what?" comes to everyone - it is important at this stage not to get involved in the search for an answer. No answer. A huge number of factors led to what happened. There is no one to blame for what happened - but there is a contribution of everyone, often unconscious.

3. Bargaining

At this stage, there is a desire to return the spouse by any means, to restore relations. A wife can fall in love again with her husband who initiated the divorce, suddenly seeing in his behavior a real masculine act and the ability to make decisions. A husband can recall with emotion the hobbies of his wife that irritated him in marriage, and is even ready to support them, if only she would return.

A shot from the film "Revolutionary Road"

The abandoned partner decides to change dramatically, for example, to lose weight, stop drinking. During this period, a person is ready to negotiate even with God, even with the devil, turn to psychics, fortune-tellers, astrologers - just to get advice on how to return a spouse. However, before you go to a fortune teller, answer yourself the question - did you feel so good? Why did you decide that upon returning the spouse will become a different person?

“What if I still love him?” - you ask. Think about it, is it possible to force a person to love you by force just because you love him? Rather, this idea comes from the parent-child relationship: "Mom loves you, and you? .." Does it follow from the fact that if someone loves you, you must love him a priori? The world is unfair, and it is very painful to realize that your beloved or beloved does not have mutual feelings for you. But the fact remains that we cannot keep a person around against their will.

4. Depression

When it comes to understanding that everything is in vain, deep disappointment sets in. A feeling of loss covers, sadness appears, a breakdown is felt. At this stage, a person mourns the loss of everything that was dear, that which was hoped for and that did not happen.

Depression is the absence of an impulse to action: if something is not available to me, I don’t want anything! Yes, something is not available, as before, but this does not mean that it is impossible in a new way. Make a list of things you feel sad about, things that weren't available with the divorce, or things that didn't materialize in the old relationship. And look at this list from the other side - now these are your desires and values, based on which you can continue to build your life, start other relationships. Highlighting the important and valuable helps to set new goals.

5. Acceptance

As if waking up from a dream, a person begins to see and share the facts. At this stage, there comes an awareness of one's own contribution to what happened, and the value of all the good things that were experienced and received in marriage, as well as an understanding of needs and opportunities. The desire to live and move on comes, new meanings and goals appear.

The task that stands in this difficult period is to go through all the stages without dwelling on any of them for a long time. On average, this can last from one to three years, or even longer. Be attentive and careful to yourself, ask yourself: “Where am I now? At what stage? How long have I been there?"

If you find yourself unable to get out of difficult experiences on your own, seek the help of a psychotherapist.

How to survive a divorce if you have children or your wife is pregnant?

When a couple has children, both husband and wife can initiate a divorce. If the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage on the part of a woman were the partner’s infidelity, financial instability or lack of income for the spouse, his addictive behavior, domestic violence, and even if the decision was made by the mother out of fear for life and health (her own and children), then she suffers no less than if her husband left her.

In such situations, a woman still feels abandoned, with all the hardships of everyday, financial, parental problems, and the decision to divorce is very difficult. There is always hope that the husband will change - find a job, stop drinking, beat and humiliate, return to the family. One of the typical experiences that a woman may experience during this period is often associated with the belief that no one needs her with children - who will marry her with a child?

Still from the film "Fragments of a Woman"

If a woman is pregnant, what will she live on when the baby is born and she will not be able to work? Or if a woman did not work before the divorce, she took care of the house and children - what will she and the children live on? After all, it takes time to find a job. Sometimes, after a few years of caring for children, a woman loses her skills in her profession. The situation can be aggravated by the behavior of relatives: “If you get married, let your husband feed you!” What to do in such a situation?

You should not be led by those who think that you need to cope with everything on your own. There is no point in being ashamed or blaming yourself for what happened (“Where did I look when I got married?”, “I gave birth myself - and carry this cross myself”). It is these beliefs that bring the most fear and anxiety. Even if after the breakup of the family, the children remain with their mother, she bears responsibility for their life on a par with her ex-husband, their father.

It is important to keep this in mind and, in the process of divorce, begin to negotiate the conditions for the maintenance of children, and if there are grounds and need for that, also for their mother. Seek help from a mediator, lawyers, psychologists - remember that there are always people who are ready to support you in this difficult period. As part of social projects, there are centers for psychological assistance, as well as various services that provide shelter for women with children who have been subjected to violence and are left homeless, helping a woman get a profession, find a job, and arrange children in a kindergarten or school.

Unfortunately, it happens that one parent turns the children against the other, does not allow the former spouse to meet with the child in order to take revenge, hurt or get their own benefit, to cope with their own grief. It is worth clearly separating your own needs and desires from the desires and needs of children, so as not to use them as a weapon of revenge or obtaining any benefits that are not legally related to children.

Remember that after a divorce, spouses cease to be husband and wife, but for children they remain mom and dad - divorce does not annul this fact in any way. Children love each parent and need both of them. This will help minimize the negative impact of divorce on the psyche of the child.

Infidelity and divorce

The reason for the divorce is that the spouses cannot get along with each other. A lot of conflicts, quarrels and disagreements alienated them from each other. Cheating, as a rule, is a consequence of the fact that the spouses cannot satisfy all their needs in marriage and decide to compensate for them on the side. At the same time, betrayal can become a strong argument and provoke a decision to divorce.

One of the most painful experiences during betrayal is the feeling of being abandoned, abandoned and, as a result, flawed. Another is the experience of betrayal. The intolerance of a false sense of inferiority can provoke an unreasonable desire to return a spouse.

A shot from the movie "The Squid and the Whale"

The experience of betrayal pushes one to the decision to divorce. To divorce or not to divorce in case of infidelity? What if the husband or wife left for another partner? This question can be answered only by understanding the reasons that led to the betrayal, and in their own feelings for each other. It is impossible to embrace all the experiences that arise in the spouses in the process of divorce.

It is important to know that whatever feelings arise, they all take place, and it is also important to give yourself the opportunity to experience them so as not to linger in them. In order to move into the future, it is important to let go of the past.

What books will help you get over a divorce

K. Whitaker. "Family in Crisis"

If a person has psychological difficulties, it is worth, first of all, turning to his family history - it is likely that it is there that both the root of the problem and its solution will be found, Carl Whitaker, an American psychiatrist of the middle XX century. Using the example of working with one family, the author introduces us to the basics of the method of therapy developed by him and analyzes the psychological mechanisms of interaction between relatives. This book, written by one of the founders of family therapy, has been a bestseller for more than a quarter of a century.

A. Kurpatov. “7 real stories. How to Survive a Divorce»

Based on the real stories of seven women, a well-known psychotherapist tells what happens to the psyche during a divorce and how you can help yourself overcome this test quickly and with possible benefit for yourself.

S. K. Nartova-Bochaver, M. I. Nesmeyanova, N. V. Malyarova, and E. A. Mukhortova. "A Child on a Divorce Carousel"

The authors, a psychologist, sociologist, philosopher and psychotherapist, have created a kind of guide to situations that arise in a family after a divorce, and paid special attention to communication between parents and a child. The book includes non-fiction material, real stories and practical advice to help you make decisions that are right for your family.

M. Travkova. "Infidelity. Why do loved ones cheat, is it worth forgiving, is it possible to avoid?

Why do people decide to cheat, while realizing that this can hurt another and destroy a marriage? From the book it becomes clear the role of both partners in the occurrence of such situations.

Learn more