Why is my 4 year old acting out
Why Your Child Is Acting Out & Appropriate Ways To Respond
Kids have rough days. Children can display less-than-perfect behaviors for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re tired, disappointed, or frustrated. Perhaps they’ve eaten too much sugar or are exhausted from a particularly grueling day at school.
But what if the rough days are happening more frequently and unwanted behaviors are becoming a problematic pattern?
A trend of misbehaving or “acting out” can be a sign that the problem is more than a random bad day. Many adults incorrectly assume that recurring bad behavior indicates their children only need stricter discipline. Instead, children acting out can be a red flag that something is wrong and they lack the ability to verbally express the problem.
Children aren’t born knowing how to express their feelings. Instead, when things get stressful, frustrating, or scary, they may demonstrate their emotions by throwing a tantrum, disobeying instructions, or being unwilling to cooperate. If those unwanted emotions remain unidentified and unaddressed, a pattern of problematic — and sometimes destructive — behaviors may occur.
Table of Contents
- What Is Acting Out?
- Common Reasons Children Act Out
- What Can I Do If My Child Is Acting Out?
- Contact Hillside Today
What Is Acting Out?
We often use the term “acting out” to describe behaviors parents do not like. Acting out behaviors are disruptive to the family’s day to day functioning. Some acting out behaviors are also to be expected in the process of child development. As children become more independent and form their identities, they might push some boundaries and rebel against parental authority. Doing so allows them to test their independence in a safe environment. Children and adolescents may also misbehave to communicate thoughts, feelings or experiences that are hard to put into words.
Even though acting out is typical behavior, it looks different for each child and depends on an individual’s development, personality and how they cope with stress or painful emotions.
Regardless, all behaviors, including misbehaviors, have a purpose. Children act out to reach a goal or have a need met, even if they are unaware of what they want.
For example, a child who does not want to clean his room might throw a tantrum. His parents then may focus on calming him down and forget about his chores, unintentionally reinforcing his outburst. The child learns throwing tantrums gets him out of doing things he does not want to do, and he might behave this way to avoid other tasks in the future.
Many misbehaviors allow children to meet their short term needs. The problem occurs when these behaviors are ineffective in the long term and Hcontinually impact daily functioning, as well as relationships.
Signs It’s Something More
Any misbehavior that significantly impacts a child’s life or lasts for several months may point to an issue. For example, if a child is experiencing high levels of stress at home, they might have repeated outburst to deal with the overwhelming feelings.
Such behaviors may require a professional to identify the issue and address a family’s unique needs.
Overall, if a child acts out due to something other than normal development, you might notice the following signs:
- The misbehavior interferes with school or a child’s day-to-day functioning.
- The misbehavior interferes with a parent’s job or functioning at home.
- The misbehavior affects the child’s ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.
- The behavior involves self-harming or suicidal threats, thoughts or gestures.
- Typical parenting techniques no longer work to change the behavior.
When behaviors have complex underlying issues, it can be challenging for parents to effectively identify the cause and address the problem, despite good intentions. Likewise, parents might not know if a mental health issue exists. For many children, problems like anxiety and depression can lead to behavioral problems. For example, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about one in three children aged 3 to 17 with behavior problems also has anxiety, and about one in five has depression.
A child or teen often does not have the self-awareness to communicate the reason they are misbehaving, which also makes it challenging to identify the problem. However, parents are not alone if their child is behaving in ways they cannot understand or seem to change. It is not always easy to pinpoint the reasons for misbehavior, and a range of factors can influence a child. A mental health professional can help a family figure out what’s going on and develop a treatment plan to teach coping skills. For example, at Hillside®, we use dialectical behavior therapy to help children and families develop a better understanding of problematic behaviors and replace ineffective coping skills with successful ones.
Common Reasons Children Act Out
Generally, mental health professionals believe children act out at school or at home to reach a goal. Rudolf Dreikurs, a psychiatrist and educator, identified four goals of misbehavior, and postulated that people feel motivated to act a specific way to achieve a sense of belonging.
Dreikurs’ ideas continue to guide parents, teachers and counselors today. His four goals of misbehavior include the following.
1. To Gain Attention
If children don’t believe they are getting the positive attention they want from a parent, teacher or another authority figure, they will accept negative attention. A child may feel they do not belong unless others notice them.Therefore, a child who feels neglected might rather have a parent yell at them than feel ignored. If a parent gets annoyed with a child’s behavior, it’s likely the child is acting out for attention.
2. To Have Power
Children don’t have a lot of control over the environments or situations they find themselves in. They don’t choose whether they attend school, and they have no say in a parent’s absence during a business trip. Acting out gives children the chance to feel like they’re in control when they otherwise may feel helpless.
A young child might seek power by throwing a tantrum or disobeying a parent’s request.
As the child grows older, they may become even more determined to take charge of their life by participating in destructive behaviors or resisting a parent’s demands. When a child seeks power, it may cause a parent to feel challenged and the need to control the child.
3. To Get Revenge
If children can’t obtain power or attention, they may seek a way to get even with one or both parents as a form of punishment. The child may believe they are unloved and only feel they belong if they can make others experience the same pain they are going through. They might say hurtful things or damage a family member’s belongings — whatever it takes to punish them. Children who seek revenge may cause parents to feel hurt or shocked by their behavior.
4. To Display Inadequacy
A child might display inadequacy to reach one of the above goals or if they believe they are unable to meet their parents’ expectations. Children who feel they aren’t good enough might refuse to participate in an activity or complete a task.
They may be hesitant to engage with others and withdraw from specific situations. If a parent doesn’t know what to do for their child and feels desperate for a solution, the child is probably hiding behide the screen of inadequacy.
Another Possibility
In some cases, acting out may be a sign of mental illness such as attention-deficit hyperactive disorder in children. Especially in children, symptoms of depression can also be displays of anger, outbursts, or other externalizing behaviors. A mental health professional can determine if a mood or anxiety disorder, as well as another mental health issue is contributing to your child’s misbehavior. Once the cause of the misbehaviors is identified, effective treatment can begin.
What Can I Do If My Child Is Acting Out?
Most children will act out at some point and you can choose appropriate ways to respond. If your child or teen is acting out, there are ways to connect with them and help them change their behaviors.
Here’s what you can do to address your child’s needs and make them feel understood.
1. Seek Understanding
The first step to helping your child overcome a behavior problem is to understand why they are acting out. Think of your child’s behavior as a form of communication and a way to reach out to you. When you understand the motivation behind their actions, you can figure out how to respond and meet your child’s needs. Knowing the reason behind their behavior will also help you teach them ways to practice self-control.
If your child misbehaves, take a moment to consider what they may be trying to communicate to you before you react. Your response to the child’s misbehavior can help deescalate the situation or make the situation worse. Responding in a calm and gentle manner with the focus on helping the child acknowledge what he or she maybe feeling at the moment can be a good start.
When things are calm, take time to think through the situations that the misbehaviors occured — if your child acts out with one parent, but not the other, or misbehaves in school, but not at home, think about the goals they may be trying to reach or the needs they want you to meet.
Consider the time of day they typically misbehave, where they usually act out and with whom. Once you understand the situation better, you can help your child solve the problem.
Keep in mind that all children need to feel loved, accepted, and secure. They also need to feel recognized and valued as unique individual as they move towards independence. Seeking to understand what motivates a child’s behavior can be a powerful way to show that you care about what the child is thinking and feeling. It can also help the child increase understanding of one’s own thinking, feelings, and behaviors.
2. Open the Lines of Communication
Your children want to know that you are there to love and support them no matter what. Let them know they can come to you with any problems or concerns they might have. Encourage them to talk about their emotions and share their thoughts and give them your full attention whenever they do. Listen attentively and resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or advice.
Even when the situation seems trivial or illogical for you, try your best to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. Validate that the emotions they are feeling are real to them. Once you truly listen, you can ask how your child wants you to help.
3. Set an Example
Children learn how to act by observing and imitating others, so your behavior in stressful or challenging situations significantly influences your child. You can help your child make good decisions by modeling the way you want them to act. For example, if you’re stuck in traffic and running late for an appointment and have your child in the car, practice managing your emotions and staying calm.
4. Be Consistent
Consistency is a critical element in parenting. When you’re consistent in your reactions to a child’s behavior, you set boundaries and create a clear path to follow. You also help your child learn to recognize and change poor behaviors. Without consistency, life can feel confusing.
Therefore, set a few necessary, reasonable and easy-to-understand rules. Be specific about your expectations and what will happen if they misbehave. If the teen or child does not obey the rules, make sure you follow through with the consequences.
5. Accept Support
Parenting can be challenging, especially when a child misbehaves for reasons that are hard to identify or understand. There are plenty of resources available to help you figure out the cause of your child’s behavior and determine the next step. You might contact a parenting coach or therapist to help you add to your parenting toolbox or gain more insight into the problematic behaviors. You can join a group or class to find additional support. If you enjoy reading, you might find parenting books helpful. There is no shame in asking for help when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or concerned about your child’s mental health. Seeking professional support means that you are doing everything that you can to help your child.
Parenting a child with mental health problems can feel lonely but you do not have to make hard decisions alone.
It’s common for children to act out in response to stress or unmet needs. Like adults, children also experience a range of emotions and sometimes worry about things they can’t control. And, like adults, children don’t always know how to handle those emotions, so they rely on behaviors as both a coping mechanism and a signal to others that something isn’t right. In most cases, it is possible to identify and address the source of the problem without outside intervention.
However, there are times when a child’s behavior goes beyond typical acting out. If your child’s starts to display a pattern of problematic behaviors or if you’re concerned about their mental health, we want to help. For over 100 years, Hillside has been dedicated to helping children and their families. As one of the leading experts in children and adolescents mental health, Hillside offers cutting-edge mental health treatment programs through residential treatment, Experience DBT day program, Intensive in-home therapy, and virtual DBT intensive outpatient program.
If you have questions about your child’s behavior or would like more information, please contact Hillside today.
24 Reasons Why Kids Act Out & What to Say
There is a fundamental disconnect between parents and their little ones when it comes to the notion of misbehavior. Whether they’ve drawn on the walls or spat in grandpa’s face, ‘acting out’ is always a symptom among children—not the problem itself. “Acting out” literally comes from “acting out their feelings,” which means when children can’t express their needs and emotions in healthy ways, they will act them out through displeasing behavior. Here are some tips on how to better understand those feelings and get on track to understanding our kids when they’re acting out.
How to handle “acting out”
The key to understanding “acting out” is to see it as a communication driven by an unmet need.
Just as a puppy doesn’t purposely provoke us by chewing up the couch, our children’s behaviors come as much more natural expressions of their internal states.
It’s so easy to jump to judgments like “he’s just pushing my buttons” or “she’s doing it on purpose.” But we’d be wise to remember that when children can cooperate, they generally prefer to.
Related: How to deal with toddler tantrums in public
24 reasons why your child may be having big feelings
Here are some reasons that might really be at the root of the challenging behaviors—and some ideas of how to respond to them.
1. They’re hungry
Most of us can relate to the feeling of irritability that comes with low blood sugar. As with many adults, when a kid gets hungry, he may not even notice it, but automatically becomes crabby and starts grabbing toys from his little sister.
What to say: “Whoa! I can see we’ve run out of fuel. Grabbing toys isn’t respectful. Come, let’s return this doll to Celine and you and I will go grab some lunch. What do you fancy? Rice or pasta?”
2. They’re tired
Show me the parent who doesn’t totally get this one.
When kids are sleep deprived or due for a nap, disintegration happens fast. So rather than sweetly saying: “Please Mummy, may I have a rest?” your daughter flings her bowl across the room.
What to say: “You’re showing me how exhausted you are! And I hear you! I’m putting the bowl in the sink and we’ll go straight to our room for a rest, my love.”
3. They need to pee
This one gets overlooked. But when (potty independent) children need to pee they often hold it in and become increasingly flustered. If little Jose suddenly bursts at you with an obnoxious tone saying, “You’re not the boss of me,” his stressed bladder may be to blame.
What to say:“Let’s take a bathroom break and then we’ll talk about this!”
Related: Ready to potty train? Here’s your shopping list
4. They’re worried about something
If your child is harboring a concern about an upcoming transition—such as moving houses, a new baby on the way, a new school, a new job, a new babysitter or a sick grandparent—they likely will not have the words to express that in a healthy way.
Rather, they’ll begin to refuse the meals you prepare, to hurt other children or breakdown into tantrums at Every. Little. Thing.
This is their way of trying to gain some control over their lives. When you have an inkling as to what the worry is, pick a calm and connected moment, such as bedtime or a long drive, and address it head-on. Be sure to be honest, but also optimistic and empowering. Don’t dismiss their worries, but help talk about what might happen and what they can do about it.
Related: Viral TikTok shows why we HAVE to be more thoughtful in dealing with kids’ emotions
What to say: “Hey, my love. I can see you’re feeling really worried about something. Perhaps it’s about the new baby that’s on the way? Are you worried that I won’t have as much time for you once the baby arrives?”
5. They’re afraid of something
Most children experience normal childhood fears such as fear of the dark, monsters or robbers. While they may be normal, they can also be deeply inhibiting and can set them on edge throughout the day.
Rather than remaining calm and regulated, your child might act out with anger. Helping him find coping mechanisms to gradually face these fears is key in helping children overcome their fear and not be controlled by it.
Validate their fears but still hold the expectation for them to overcome them, with support.
What to say: “I do not like being yelled at. I can see you’re feeling pretty angry right now. Has this got something to do with the questions you were asking me about robbers before? I know there are none, and I want you to feel sure, too. Would you like for us to go through the house with a flashlight so you can feel satisfied there are no robbers here?”
6. They’ve been influenced by something
If children are watching violent TV shows or have neighbors, friends or cousins who are wild, destructive or disrespectful—they may well try on this behavior. We all unwittingly, imitate what we see around us. When I’ve watched too much “Downton Abbey,” for example, my accent skews far posher than usual.
So if your neighbor has been reciting a foul-mouthed rap song to your daughter this morning in the yard, you can expect some of that to come through.
What to say: “Hmmm, using those words is not how we speak in our home. I know you might hear other people using that language but being respectful is very important to our family.”
Related: How to respect your child’s emotions—even when you don’t understand them
7. They’re mirroring you
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I know this one bites. But when we’ve been losing our cool, yelling, punishing, threatening, it’s safe to assume our children will mirror that behavior right back at us. So when my son says: “How dare you?” it’s nothing short of hypocritical of me to shoot him down with, “You will not speak to your mother that way,” because clearly, he got it from me.
What to say: “I know I’ve been yelling and raising my voice. I’m sorry. It’s important that we all speak kindly and gently to each other, including me. Can we start over?”
8. They’re angry
Perhaps she’s angry you didn’t let her finish her game this morning, or that you forgot to dry her pink tutu in time for her playdate, or that you said no to a final helping of ice cream, or that you co-sleep with the baby and not with her, or that her teacher didn’t give her a warm smile that day, or that her favorite doll’s leg broke…
The point is, children have endless frustrations throughout their day—some of which are fleeting and others that are substantial. So when she purposely draws on your favorite cushion, she’s expressing just how angry she is. The key is to validate their anger and to empathize so as to allow them to move through the anger and reach the softer emotion beneath is sadness or fear.
Related: What kids fear at different ages & how to help them
Teach your child to express their anger through words, songs, painting…We love to sing the mad song (below) and eventually break into giggles.
The healing comes when the angry feelings are expressed and allowed by you—even if the behavior is not.
What to say: “Yikes. I know you know that cushions are not for drawing on. And I can see from your face how mad you are right now! Being mad is just fine, but ruining our furniture is not. Would you like to stamp your feet and sing a mad song? Let’s do it! Repeat after me! “I’m MAD MAD MAD! I want to be BAD BAD BAD! I feel so SAD SAD SAD! That makes me MAD MAD MAD!”
9. They’re frustrated
When children hit developmental stages they haven’t quite mastered yet, they can feel deep frustration that they often need to act out. Consider the baby who’s trying to take their first steps and keeps falling. Or the toddler who desperately wants to feed herself but can’t manipulate her fingers just so yet. Or the preschooler who can’t write their name legibly despite their best efforts. Rather than politely saying, “I’m finding it difficult to master this skill which arouses deep frustration in me,” he swats his baby brother on the head.
What to say: “I can’t let you hit! I’m going to hold your hands until you can use them safely… I know you’re so frustrated, my love. It’s so hard to try something so many times and not manage yet, right?”
10. They’re sad
It’s almost taboo for children to be sad, because culturally we like kids to be happy and to make those around them happy. But if a child experiences a loss or that’s their temperamental disposition, they may feel deep sadness. They may be sad about things we expect them to be happy about such as a new sibling or graduating kindergarten. So she drags her feet just when you’re rushing to get out the door.
What to say: “Sweetheart, your face seems sad. I see that! Would you like to talk to me about it? We must leave the house right now, but we will have plenty of time for me to listen in the car. Let me help you with your shoes and let’s hold hands to the car, ok?”
11. They’re curious
Often what we perceive as acting out or not-so-good behavior is really just exploration.
Children are infinitely curious and learn through hands-on, sensory experience. They need to touch, climb, throw, push, pull, spin things. So if your son just dumped all of the clean, folded laundry down the stairs, that may be his misguided curiosity at play.
What to say: “Oh no! That laundry is clean, so it’s not for throwing. I will put it on the bed next time. But I can see you want to throw things! Let me pass you this basket of teddy bears and you can throw away.”
Related: 35 Sensory play activities to stimulate your toddler’s beautiful brain
12. They didn’t know it’s not allowed
Sometimes kids simply don’t realize something isn’t allowed. Even though it was painfully obvious to you (or perhaps because of this) you never made it clear to them. So if your daughter just sprayed shaving cream all over the bathroom, she may have thought this was your plan all along. Why else would you leave the shaving cream out?
What to say: “Whoops! Shaving cream is not for playing with! Silly me.
I should have left it in the cupboard. Next time please do not use this as a game. Let’s clean up. I’ll grab the mop. Do you want to spray or wipe?”
13. They don’t understand the logic behind the limit
Setting limits is important and sometimes kids do need to simply “do as we say” without further explanation. But those instances are rare. For the most part, we’ll garner far more collaboration (rather than blind obedience) when children understand our reasoning behind the limits. Sometimes if we’ve too often failed to provide the logic, children may be moved to rebel. If they feel the rules don’t make sense, they may go ahead and grab the chocolate despite your repeated assertions that’s not allowed.
What to say: “Sam, I was very clear in asking you not to eat this chocolate and I’m disappointed that you have anyway. The reason I asked you not to was because this is for a gift for Marcy, it was not for us! I should have explained that, but I do expect you to honor my requests even when you don’t understand them.
We’ll have to go and buy some more chocolate to replace this one. Let’s get your money jar and you can contribute to the purchase.”
14. They’re over-controlled
In a home that’s run like a tight ship with a lot of control and fear-based parenting, many children will act out. Under the pressures of high expectations and low support, children begin to feel like there’s “nothing to lose.” They resent feeling controlled and scramble to find ways to exert their autonomy and sovereignty. That’s one reason she why she may sneak around, lie or rebel. Lying is a normal developmental stage in children around the age of 5, but it can also be the sign of too much parental control—such as if she’s afraid you’ll come down on her like a ton of bricks, so she doesn’t want to share the truth.
What to say: “Honey, it seems you’ve lied to me. It’s really important that we have integrity and an honest, open relationship in our home. Were you afraid that I would be very angry or punish you if you were honest?”
15.
They’re confused about limits View this post on Instagram
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When we’ve been confused about a limit ourselves or unclear in setting them, children will push back and act out. They’ve received the message from us that this is a “free for all” or an “undefined territory” and is up for grabs. So if you sometimes let them use the iPad first thing in the morning and sometimes don’t, then you can expect them to try their luck.
What to say: “I’m sorry, I can see the confusion here is my fault as I’ve been unclear about the rules about the iPad in the morning. Let’s have a family meeting and discuss when and how we use it and who’s responsible for charging it. We can all contribute ideas and agree on what to do when someone breaks these rules.
Then we’ll all sign it and hang up the rules for all to see.”
Related: I unapologetically embrace being a ‘mean mom’—because it’s necessary
16. They’re agitated by something
Many children have sensitivities that can go undetected but manifest in grumpy behavior. Food intolerances such as a sensitivity to dairy or gluten can lead to fussy, testy children who appear to be acting out. A child who is sensorily sensitive to labels in their shirt, tight socks or too much noise can be more likely to tantrum, shut down, make demands or yell rudely.
What to say: “I can see you’re uncomfortable. Yelling like that hurst my ears. Can you help me figure out what’s bothering you? And then I can adjust it for you. Perhaps it’s too noisy in here? Let’s try going outside.”
17. There’s inconsistency
For most families a certain measure of predictability breeds security. And security helps children (us all) to regulate. If a child is picked up by a different adult each day, has dinner at a different time each day, has a bedtime at a different time each day—you get the picture—they’re likely to feel unsafe or unsure of what comes next.
When limits are inconsistent, too, then they’re really not sure where they stand. So when she becomes impossible at bedtime, demanding yet another drink, book or trip to the bathroom, this may actually be a plea for more predictability in her life.
Related: It’s science: Having a routine helps your family be happier
What to say: “It’s really time to say goodnight now my love. We’re done with the books. Let’s talk about exactly what’s happening tomorrow, OK? In the morning you’ll wake up and then daddy will give you breakfast…”
18. They’re over-stressed
Just like all people, if children are under too much stress they will absolutely act out or self-damage, which is far worse. Unfortunately, today, children are under a lot of unnecessary stress to perform academically from the youngest of ages.
Children need long stretches of uninterrupted, independent play every single day, they need time in nature and time to rest.
If they’re not getting these de-stressors, and their every day is scheduled with goal-driven, measurable activities that are then evaluated by adults such as grades, then they’re probably under a lot of stress. It’s no wonder he’s obnoxiously slamming doors.
What to say: “Can I come in? You just slammed that door pretty hard! I know you must be feeling very run down with all the homework you’ve got. Plus the game on Saturday. And piano practice. Still, please respect our home. You can always tell me when you’re stressed and I’ll get it. Hey, I have an idea, can we take this evening off? I’ll write you a note for your teacher. Let’s go play Monopoly.”
Related: The one thing your child needs to get ready for kindergarten? More sleep, says AAP
19. They don’t have the words
Especially in the early years, toddlers may simply not have the words we so desperately want for them to use. That’s why when parents yell for them to use their words, it usually falls on deaf ears.
They can’t. Even if the appropriate words exist in their vocabulary, under the stress of the moment they can’t muster them.
As the adults, we can help to find the appropriate words for them and model for them how they might be used. So if you’re child lashes out when a friend grabs a doll, use it as a language learning opportunity.
What to say: “Uh oh! That hurt Kiley! I do not want you to hit. Are you trying to tell her you’re not done with the doll? Let’s check if she’s ok and then you can tell her, “I’m not done with the doll, Kiley… Hey, Kiley, are you ok?”
20. They’re overstimulated
Whether there’s too much noise, too many people, too many toys, too much novelty, light, excitement, attention, colors, sensations…an overload of stimulation can cause a really visceral reaction in anyone. So when you were so excited to take your 3-year-old to the fair, but they ended up tantruming through the entire thing because they wanted another ride on the Tea Cups, you can bet overstimulation is at the root.
What to say: “I can see we’re feeling a bit overwhelmed! And there is a lot going on here! Come, let’s go over here to this quiet corner and sit down together for a few minutes. You can put your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. We’ll calm our bodies down together.”
21. They’re trying to get connection
If we haven’t had much time for our little ones, they may be feeling cast aside or left behind. In a somewhat misplaced bid for connection, they may break something, yell or hurt someone. And it works for attention. But the fundamental thing to realize is that it’s not about attention, it’s about connection. They want our eye contact, our touch, our open hearts—not the stern look on our face telling them off. But if they can’t get the former, they’ll settle for the latter.
What to say: “Hey! I think you might have run out of hugs… Can I fill you up? Do you know how I can tell? Because you called me “stupid.
” That doesn’t feel good to me and it shows me you must be completely out of hugs. Come over here!”
Related: 10 daily habits to strengthen your connection with your child
22. They’re questioning your leadership
If you’re a shaky, unconfident leader in your family, you might experience increased limit-testing and push back. So when you say it’s time to go, you might experience a lot of dawdling or even just outright ignoring.
What to say: “I can see I didn’t make myself clear the first time. I do not like being ignored. We’re going. Shoes on, now, please!”
23. They’re not sure what’s expected of them
Sometimes your child might behave inappropriately simply because they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing. Especially in a new situation, or with new people, they may shy away, or—conversely—become too loud and demand all of the spotlight. They may say things that appear rude or unseeingly, simply because no one’s ever told them that it’s impolite to point or that we don’t make comments about people’s bodies.
What to say: “While we’re visiting Uncle Tom, we’re expected to talk in soft voices. Can you use a soft voice with me?”
Related: Mom shares brilliant way to challenge ‘rude’ behavior in viral post
24. They want to be seen
Acting out, ultimately, can be a bid for being seen, valued and accepted as we are. It can be as though our child is saying, “Hey, Mum, will you love me when I do this?!”
What to say: “I can see you’re trying to do the worst thing you can think of! But I will love you no matter what you do, you can’t escape my love.”
When children act out it can be tempting to chalk it up to “bad behavior,” “demanding attention” or an “annoying mood.” But all behavior is a communication.
A request for help in meeting an unmet need. The need for unconditional love, for security and safety, for clarity and information. Usually when we answer the root cause, the symptom of the unpleasant behavior becomes irrelevant and fades away.
A version of this story was published October 16, 2021. It has been updated.
The child is often psychotic and capricious
Author: Marfa Goncharova, magazine "My Baby and I"; consultant: Yulia Andronnikova, pediatrician of the highest category, head of the pediatric department of the Center for Traditional Obstetrics and Family Medicine.
The expressed emotional state of the child is a message of discomfort. Leaving these messages unattended means ignoring the needs of the baby, which can be physical and psychological.
Inconsolable crying, screaming, stubbornness and irritation out of the blue - what upsets parents so much and outrages outsiders who have become unwitting witnesses to an unpleasant scene is usually called whims. In fact, if in an adult a completely unreasonable whim can be called a whim, then children's whims, as a rule, have a serious reason.
Yulia Andronnikova: "Children under one year old are not characterized by whims in their everyday sense.
If a child suddenly starts behaving in an unusual way for him, this is always a signal for his mother, a message of discomfort. No doctor can say for sure: if a child cries for minutes ten - this is normal, and if longer, then this is a sign of illness. Mom's intuition should work here. After all, already in the first 2-3 months of life, being in close contact with the baby, the mother studies him so well that she knows perfectly well what is typical for her child and what goes beyond normal behavior.0003
If the baby is crying, the mother calms him down with the usual methods that suit him. Children love to be picked up, maintaining skin-to-skin contact, being rocked, talking in a low, calm voice, and being placed on their chest. Someone stops worrying in a warm bath, and someone better to undress for a while. The set of techniques may vary, but if the baby continues to cry despite the usual stress relief rituals, the mother should watch him more carefully. "
Infectious diseases
Unusually prolonged crying for a child or, conversely, lethargy, refusal to eat in children of any age are often the first sign of the development of an infectious disease.
Like it or not, it becomes obvious in just a few hours: the temperature may begin to rise, a cough or runny nose will appear. For babies who still can neither say nor show that they are in pain, loud crying can be a sign of otitis media that has begun. If the ears hurt, there may be no fever or other signs of a cold, it is precisely the abruptly changed behavior that will cause suspicion: the child is inappropriately naughty, shakes his head, sometimes screams sharply, starts crying when the position of the head changes, refuses to eat, because it provokes pain. In such a situation, you should definitely call a doctor.
Meteosensitivity
The peculiarity of the response of the autonomic nervous system to changing environmental conditions is called meteosensitivity. Training the nervous system and blood vessels of the baby will help to cope with meteosensitivity. Thanks to hardening, the adaptive capabilities of the organism will grow, and the reaction to a change in the weather will become less violent or disappear altogether.
For toddlers, outdoor walks in any weather are the best hardening. Not only a change in pressure, rain, a thunderstorm, but also simply cloudy weather or a long absence of the sun in the sky can affect the body. In newborns, sudden changes in the weather are often worrisome. After a few months, the majority of such meteorological dependence disappears, but in children with a weakened autonomic nervous system, it can continue to manifest itself and even intensify against the background of stressful conditions.
Chronic diseases
But what if the baby not only suddenly changed his behavior, but is constantly in a depressed state - he is lethargic, whimpering all the time and practically does not smile? Yulia Andronnikova: “The general well-being of a child is an important indicator of his health. A healthy baby may start to act up in the evening when he is tired, but he should wake up in a good mood - this is a signal to his mother that everything is in order with him.
If the child is naughty every day and is in a bad mood all the time, and you have ruled out the presence of any infections, it is worth bringing this to the attention of your pediatrician. Constant whims, pallor, lethargy, lack of a smile from birth, low weight gain and height are a set of symptoms characteristic of hormonal disorders. The earlier the diagnosis is made, the better, because with the timely initiation of treatment, the disease can be compensated and the life, health and intelligence of the child can be saved. If such diseases are suspected, the pediatrician will refer the child to an endocrinologist.
Approximately the same symptoms can be with anemia or kidney problems. Routine blood and urine tests will help clarify the situation, confirming or dispelling such concerns.”
Overwork
If a child is naughty in the evening, mothers usually explain it like this: “I didn’t sleep well during the day” or “Went to class, he got too excited talking with other children there.
” Perhaps here it will be enough to put the daily routine in order, give the baby more opportunities for rest, sleep and walks. If the child is excitable in itself, cannot sit still, control his emotions, and at the same time gets very tired, pedagogical problems are superimposed on physical ones, since parents literally do not keep up with the baby. A competent neurologist will help normalize the regimen and strengthen the nervous system, for example, with the help of massage and hardening techniques. A psychologist will advise parents about the features of proper communication with the child.
Caprice as a message to parents
Caprice is always a child's message about discomfort, which he cannot express in an acceptable form. If the child is naughty all the time, and you have excluded physical causes (malaise, fatigue), it is worth considering what state of mind he is in. Psychologists note that often the child's inappropriate behavior is a reaction to intra-family disharmony.
The grandmother is unhappy with the way the young mother is raising the baby, she is constantly indignant and gives unsolicited advice. Or parents begin to quarrel every time the baby needs to be put to bed. Explicit or unspoken claims and conflicts, a tense situation in the family most affect the child. In this case, his “whims” are the materialization of the discontent and irritation surrounding him. And the situation can be corrected only by establishing relationships in the family.
Certain pedagogical disturbances in the family can also easily become a source of whims. If the parents allow the child absolutely everything, and he simply does not understand the word "no", any attempt to prohibit it leads him almost to hysterics. As a rule, parents are afraid of such a reaction and are ready to do anything to avoid its repetition, which means they continue to indulge the baby. And this inevitably deepens discord in the family and makes its members even more irritable. The opposite situation can also involve the whole family in a vicious circle: they behave with the child too strictly and literally stop all attempts to act independently and make decisions.
The kid protests, parents become even stricter with him. The same effect occurs if different family members adhere to diametrically opposed parenting styles - for example, mom is very strict with the baby, and dad allows absolutely everything. All these situations are best dealt with by a family psychologist.
Struggle for independence
Parents often mistake the child's desire for independence for whims. From 8–9 months, the baby is already beginning to “test the strength” of the surrounding adults. They give him a toy, he throws it on the floor and immediately demands it back. This can be repeated many times in a row. The child finds out the boundaries of what is permitted, and when communicating with mom, dad or grandmother, the boundaries can be different. At the same time, it is quite easy to distinguish the crying of a real need from a “testing” cry: “checking”, the baby sometimes stops crying, looks around and listens in order to evaluate the effect produced. Such stops are a sign of the need for attention to oneself.
This does not mean that in this case it should be ignored, it is better to talk softly with the child, give reasonable arguments, explain your actions, including the necessary refusals or prohibitions. Such verbal contact, if established at birth, makes it easier to distinguish what exactly caused unusual behavior, and to cope with the situation.
At the age of 2–3 years, the time comes when the child literally answers everything: “I myself!”. Moreover, if attempts to do something on their own are not very successful (spilled, raked, broke, fell), the best strategy would be not to scold the baby, but to celebrate his achievements and offer to bring the matter to the end together. Often, the mere fact of recognizing the child's independent attempts to do something is already enough to live in harmony and reduce "whims" to a minimum.
Stubborn facts
- Even if the baby likes to cry in principle, certain conditions should alert parents. These are the so-called emergencies.
- A child's loud, pronounced cry for two or more hours, in which no ordinary methods of calming help, is a signal to call a doctor. With problems such as intussusception (intestinal volvulus) or appendicitis, a young child may not have any other obvious external signs other than intense continuous crying. Only a doctor can diagnose the problem. It cannot be said that these cases are frequent. If a mother breastfeeds her baby and is well acquainted with the principles of introducing complementary foods, then volvulus, caused by a sharp transition to unfamiliar food in large quantities and at too early an age, does not threaten her child. Appendicitis in babies is also rare, but since the exact causes of this emergency are still unclear, it cannot be discounted.
Helpful Hints:
- Any inner feelings of a child (enrolling in a kindergarten or school, troubles in the family) can lead to stress. No need to try to protect the baby from difficult situations, but teach him to overcome difficulties.
The kid will endure stress much easier if he knows that at home he will always be understood and supported, that for mom and dad he is the best in the world.
Your love and attention are the best "medicines" for stress. Talk with the baby, give him the opportunity to speak out, find out the reasons for the experiences. Play with him, draw, involve him in sports, but try to protect him from excessive loads.
The article was published in the magazine "My baby and I" (2014) and posted on the website krokha.ru.
Whims and tantrums of children 4-5 years of age
Whims (translated from French whim, whim) - the desire of children to achieve something forbidden, unattainable and impossible at the moment.
Usually whims are unreasonable, almost always accompanied by crying, screaming, stamping feet, scattering things.
It is necessary to note the most important thing: the whims of children of 4-5 years of age are age-related negativism.
The child begins to do everything in defiance. His parents lead him one way, and he goes the other. Just now he demanded an apple, but having received it, he refuses to eat it.
The explanation for everything that happens is the following:
- All this is called the affirmation of one's own "I".
- The child is not yet able to affirm his personality in a positive way and goes from the opposite “You are like this, but I am the other way around!”.
- The child wants to prove that he also has his own opinion, which differs from the opinion of adults.
Of course, this period is difficult for both children and parents.
But it is necessary to remember:
*this period will soon pass;
* it is necessary to treat this period with patience and understanding (We do not get angry with the child when he is capricious at a high temperature. Consider that your child has a temporarily increased degree of obstinacy).
However, parents need to know how to behave properly with their children during this period.
We bring to the attention of parents the situation of the behavior of children 4-5 years old and together we formulate the rules "How to treat children's whims?"
RULES:
1. First situation
The mother of 4-year-old Sasha, walking with him in the park, met a friend whom she had not seen for a long time. They started talking. Almost immediately Sasha started acting up, pulling his mother by the hand saying: “Well, mother, let's go!”…..
What should mother do in this situation?
2. The second situation
Marina was a long-awaited child. Therefore, her parents cherished her, doted on her soul, indulged all her whims. Even at the age of 5, they dressed and undressed her themselves, constantly took care of the child. But at a certain moment, both parents and teachers noticed: the child became very capricious, constant tantrums, tears, disobedience.
Why is this happening to the girl?
3. The third situation
Artem is 4 years 3 months old.
Artem has become a capricious and stubborn child. Moreover, stubbornness flared up sharply and suddenly: daily tears, tantrums.
Recently a girl was born in the family. Mom devotes considerable time to the newborn Polina, because the girl was born prematurely. And then there are the causeless whims of Artyom, which “knock mom out of the rut.”
In your opinion, Artyom's whims are connected with this and how to help the child?
4. Fourth situation
The mother of 4-year-old Alyosha every day, returning home from work, picks up her child from kindergarten and goes to the store with him. And every day Alyosha throws tantrums in the store: he asks to buy one thing, then another, falls to the floor, screams, squeals and cries. Mom has no choice but to buy the child everything that he asks for.
How to avoid this situation?
Conclusion: the family plays a decisive role in the development of the child, has a decisive influence on the emotional well-being of the child.
