How to break a narcissist heart
How to break a narcissist's heart: 11 key steps
Sometimes we meet people that hurt us, and we don’t know if it’s possible to break their hearts at all.
Many of these people are narcissists.
If you’ve ever had a narcissist in your life, you know the struggle and the pain they cause.
We hope that you’re free from them now, surrounded by healthy people that love you without hurting you.
But if you’re still with them, we urge you to reconsider. It’s hard to get away, but not impossible. There’s no good outcome in this kind of toxic relationship.
Read on and find ten steps to leave them and break their heart.
Outsmarting a narcissist: is it possible?
Of course. Remember that they play games, and you can choose to no longer abide by their rules. When you’re no longer playing their games, you don’t have to follow their every command.
Outsmarting a narcissist often means:
- Knowing and reinforcing healthy boundaries.
- Respecting your honesty.
- Ignoring narcissistic behavior.
- Walking away from their life completely if that’s necessary.
That being said, narcissists play with our patterns of behavior. You can’t outsmart them by not changing anything, but it doesn’t mean you have to get confrontational.
Arguing with them or trying to be rational in the face of their actions won’t work. They’ll become more reactive and hurtful.
Once they get a reaction from you, they can become even more chaotic because they know how to hurt you.
Outsmarting them is not the same as getting revenge on them. Outsmarting means that you consciously step away from them. You don’t hope they change for the better, you don’t argue with them anymore, it all stops.
You even have to understand that they’ll never recognize how much of a bad person they are.
Understanding this can be painful, but it’s an important step in recovering from a relationship with a narcissist.
11 clever steps to survive a narcissist
Doing nothing is the worst thing to do when you are bound to a narcissist. If you try to piss them off, you’re feeding their behavior.
You’re playing their game.
This justifies them, in their minds, to keep treating you badly. They feed their ego this way.
We give you this advice not as a form of revenge, but as a form of escaping this kind of relationship and finally finding peace and healing.
1) Get to know yourself
The defend yourself from a narcissist, you have to know exactly who you are. You can start with meditation or a self-help book, an hour a day is enough if you can manage it.
Work on loving yourself and putting your needs first. Develop boundaries, discover and reaffirm your strengths and the aspects of your personality that make you the lovable individual that you are.
Narcissists are charmers, but their charms aren’t real. Trusting yourself will prevent you from falling into their trap.
2) Change the focus of your attention
Narcissists love attention. They work for it, and it doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive attention.
You might find yourself putting your needs aside to tend to theirs first, it’s one of their most refined strategies.
You have to understand that they won’t stop looking for attention, no matter how much you give them. You can change your entire life for them, it won’t matter.
3) Reaffirm your limits
Narcissists tend to be very selfish people. They feel they have the right to invade your life, go past your limits and tell you how to be and feel.
They have a number of behaviors that tell a lot about themselves: they can take credit for your ideas or actions, they can give you unsolicited advice, or they can pressure you to talk about things you don’t want to talk about, especially in public.
They can even invade your personal space, crossing every line in their way. They choose not to see them. That’s why you need to know your boundaries and enforce them whenever necessary.
4) Don’t give in
Confronting a narcissist isn’t the same as confronting anyone else. Where you might hope they react, they won’t. They will demand things for themselves if you don’t set boundaries.
They will try to make you feel bad or guilty, even trying to gaslight you into feeling like you’re irrational or toxic.
Stand your ground and, again, trust yourself. If you back down they won’t take you seriously.
5) Don’t let them isolate you
The most common strategy from a narcissist is to try to isolate you. If you don’t have people who support you, it’s easier to undermine your self-esteem to manipulate you. Don’t allow that, ever.
Trust your friends, family, even your coworkers with your issues. More often than not these are the people the narcissist will attack first, trying to separate you from them, because they can usually see right through their tactics.
Your friends and family will protect you from their attempts at lowering your self-esteem and falling into depression. They can reaffirm your reality and contradict a narcissist’s mind games.
If you can’t stop the person from attacking you, focus on your network of healthy relationships. Narcissists tend to exhaust people emotionally, so try not to spend too much time with them.
6) Practice indifference
If you’re going to ignore them, you have to know that this is one of the things that make them the angriest.
If you feel like you have to be very careful and walk on eggshells around them all the time, it might be exhausting to just ignore them. You need all the energy just to deal with their toxic behavior.
Detaching yourself from their mind games can be a good place to start. You have to get to the point where their actions hurt you the least possible, or not at all. It takes time to get there, but you will. Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it.
7) Remind them of their failures
Narcissists, however much they might think so, are imperfect. They don’t like that reminder, in fact, they’re afraid of others seeing their failures. They wouldn’t be able to feel superior if people see their insecurities.
Their entire worldview is shaped by how they see themselves and how superior they feel to others. They can’t take criticism in any way. If you belittle them or point out their failures, you’re hurting them.
This, however, isn’t the best approach. A narcissist knows exactly how to hurt you and they have no regrets about doing so. You might even be kind in pointing out their shortcomings, but their reaction won’t be. They will always find new ways to hurt you.
8) Be prepared for confrontation
The best way to check if someone’s a narcissist or not is by saying no to them, even in the smallest details. If they can take it, it’s usually fine. If they can’t… It’s not a good sign.
Saying no allows you to not become too attached to them, and shows you how little they care about you. Narcissists only care about themselves.
If you need more proof, confronting them will set them off and prove how much they like to walk all over you.
9) You are not to blame
Someone with narcissism won’t admit the mistakes they make or the ways in which they hurt you. Instead, they will blame you or anyone else.
You can even accept the blame just to calm them down, but it’s not necessary to protect their ego.
You know the truth and no amount of gaslighting can make you doubt it. Don’t accept blame for things you didn’t do. They might not like it, but you’ll be safer for it.
10) Actions have consequences
Every action has its consequence, and that’s a good lesson for a narcissistic person.
Don’t go to the rescue every time your narcissistic friend fails to do something. Don’t bail them out, don’t protect them. It’s the best way for them to learn that they too are human.
If you’re being physically abused by a narcissistic partner and someone reports them, don’t stand up for them. They don’t deserve it and you’ll do a lot better without them in your life.
Bonus step: find joy
It’s very difficult to be happy when you are suffering from narcissistic abuse. Even when people say happiness is the best revenge, it might not sound believable. They are experts and gaslighting and undermining you.
Knowing that you can and will be happy requires you to take action. Even in the most hopeless situation, you can do it. Normal revenge won’t work, it will just feed them more ways to hurt you and leave you worse.
Choosing happiness means that you have to leave them behind. They can’t reach you, they can’t hurt you. It’s a slow type of revenge but it’s the best one. Move on.
Can you manipulate them back?
You know more than anyone how much they manipulate you and all the techniques they use to do so. They give you the silent treatment, they scream or gaslight you, they point out your supposed shortcomings. They don’t communicate, they disappear from days at a time.
They aren’t there when you need them. They cheat, they don’t fulfill their promises, they make you question your worth. They might even tell secrets about you to people and make you feel like you’re crazy when you tell them off for it.
You might be tempted to show them how it feels since they do it all the time to you.
The problem is that you’re not the manipulative person, they are. You are a decent person, with love and empathy for others, and that’s why they chose you as their victim.
You wouldn’t hurt somebody deliberately, in fact, you’re not mean at all. Your values and your conscience won’t let you be mean to someone on purpose, not even someone as evil as a narcissistic partner. The moment they show vulnerability, you’ll stop out of sympathy.
It might even make the situation worse, especially if they get angry. They will hurt you again. If you hope that by being mean they will recognize their behavior, it won’t work. They’ll play the victim card every time they feel like it.
If they wanted to be better, they would, without you having to show them. They have justifications for all their bad actions, and they feel superior to everyone. That’s why they feel like they have to get special treatment.
Moving on from a narcissist
More often than not, people with narcissistic personalities are verbally or emotionally abusive.
There are the telltale signs of an abusive relationship:
- Criticism and name-calling
- Mockery, especially in public
- Threats and yelling
- Judgment and accusations.
But that is not all. Here are some other warning signs of abuse or future abuse:
- Never blaming themselves when things go wrong.
- Keeping track of what you do and belittling your friends and family to isolate you.
- Telling you what your reactions should be.
- Projecting their bad behavior on you.
- Gaslighting you or making you feel like you aren’t reliable.
- Making fun of your needs or opinions.
Every relationship goes through good and bad times, so when should you give it up?
These are some key factors to take into consideration:
- You’re being psychologically abused through yelling or insults.
- They attempt to control you or manipulate you.
- You’re being hit or pushed in any way.
- You feel isolated from friends and family.
- The narcissist suffers from addiction but doesn’t get the help they need.
- Your health declines whether mentally or physically.
How to move on from a narcissist
Adjusting after breaking up with an abusive person can be super difficult, even when you’re doing the right thing.
It’s hard, even when they treated you like garbage because you might believe some of the things they said.
Your emotions are all over the place, even worse than when you were in the relationship.
We’ll give you three steps to make this process easier for you.
Don’t let obsession take over
A relationship with a narcissist implies you’ve had to walk on eggshells and analyze every single move they make before making your own, to not give them surprises and avoid suffering.
This form of hyperawareness can last long after the relationship is over, but you have to put a stop to it.
They are no longer part of your life, so you no longer need to analyze what’s wrong with them. Every time you think of them try to find something else to do, to take your mind out of them. Do it as often as you can: it can take up to three months to change a thought pattern.
Don’t make excuses for them
To survive the relationship and all the struggle it brought with it, you were forced to make excuses for everything: their abuse, their lies, their self-delusions. All that work, just to keep a fragile peace.
When you miss them— and you will, because they represent familiarity— you’ll keep making these excuses and thinking that maybe they weren’t as bad as you believed.
Don’t give these thoughts a lot of importance. Remind yourself of the objective reasons why you left and avoid getting gaslit into coming back to them. One of the best ways to manage this is to cut off all contact.
Block them from everywhere. Social media, your phone, everywhere. If you live in the same house, go as far as changing all the locks and putting up extra security. There’s a reason for it, that we’ll go into detail at the end.
Manage your levels of anxiety
The narcissist you were with probably made you super anxious. Even if you left them, your nervous system might still be suffering from that trauma. It adds to the stress of just leaving them and starting over.
On top of all of that, you’re not having sex anymore so there are no rushes of dopamine or oxytocin to help with the anxiety.
Physical activity and breathing exercises can help with this. Do them as much as you need, until your anxiety goes back to a manageable level.
Love yourself more than ever
A tried and true narcissist strategy is to humiliate others to elevate their sense of self. You probably never had support from them or even kind words or compliments after they seduced you.
Verbal abuse and its consequences are no joke.
Your insecurity and low self-esteem are what they use to manipulate you even more. Feeling sure of your actions and yourself might feel daunting now. You have to start trusting yourself more after surviving such an ordeal.
Now, where to begin?
There are many books, groups, and therapists that can help you find yourself again. Self-love is what you need to go forward and heal after the breakup.
If you feel like you can’t do it alone, that’s okay. Find a group of people on the same path and you’ll see the results in no time.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into place
It may sound conceited or narcissistic to focus on loving yourself first. But it’s not.
The point isn’t to believe you’re better than others or to accept things about yourself that you really do need to change.
It’s about developing a healthy and nurturing relationship with… you!
Loving yourself is about committing to who you are, understanding the many different nuances to your identity, and showing yourself a level of care and intimacy that we usually reserve for other people.
Unfortunately, we’re not taught how to love ourselves from an early age. And we end up caring about what others think of us rather than focusing on what we need at a more fundamental level.
This is why we partnered with Rudá Iandê to produce a free masterclass on transforming our relationships through the practice of self-love.
It’s currently playing on The Vessel (one of our partners) but only for a limited time.
<< The Art of Love & Intimacy with Rudá Iandê >>
Thousands have attended and told us that the masterclass has completely transformed their relationships for the better.
It’s a must-watch and we couldn’t recommend it more highly.
Why It's Almost Impossible to Do
If you’ve ever wondered how to break a narcissist’s heart, you probably picked your brain. The truth is, it’s not really possible.
Unfortunately, we throw around the word narcissist like it’s nothing. In truth, having a true narcissist in your life is troublesome to say the least. Many people wonder how to break a narcissist’s heart, and I’ve been giving this some serious thought.
Honestly, everyone has slight narcissistic traits, and it’s normal to be a little self-centered occasionally. However, a narcissist takes this to a whole other level.
A true narcissist is suffering from a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. There is no known cure, and the only way to see any improvement is to undergo cognitive behavioral therapy. Of course, for this type of therapy to work, the participant has to be totally on board. They must understand what their problem is and want to solve it.
A narcissist isn’t likely to ever believe there is anything wrong with them. They’re certainly unlikely to take this type of therapy seriously as a result. Truth be told, there’s no curing a narcissist.
[Read: How to handle a narcissist without falling apart and losing yourself]
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll know how hard it can be to have someone like this in your life. By nodding along to that sentence, I hope that you managed to break free from the relationship and find someone who actually deserves you. If you’re still in the union, consider leaving. Understand that there is no future, and you really need to get away. Hard? Yes, but not impossible to do. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re deep in a narcissistic relationship]
How to break a narcissist’s heart
There are many who would argue that a narcissist’s heart is completely broken already. They cover up their total lack of self confidence and low self worth with an ego that is so inflated it can hardly fit into the room. They’re living a lie, basically. However, it’s hard to really believe that when you’ve ever spent a considerable amount of time around a narcissist.
It’s hard to believe that they even have a heart. Their total lack of empathy pushes them to treat people with so little care and respect. So, is it actually possible to cause heartbreak to a true narcissist?
[Read: Narcissist and empath and why they’re a match made in dating hell]
Of course, I shouldn’t generalize and say that every singe narcissist is the same. There are different types and levels of narcissism at play. However, it’s totally impossible to break a narcissist’s heart in the truest sense.
Think back to the last time you felt true heartbreak. It was debilitating, right? You felt pain, loss, and couldn’t stop thinking about the good times. You probably went over everything many times in your mind. And you probably questioned whether you should have done things differently. You probably blamed yourself for a while, before the process wound down and you realized that it was for the best.
I don’t see how a narcissist can experience this.
[Read: How to stop giving the narcissist the attention they crave]
Understanding how to break a narcissist’s heart is really about hurting their ego. But, that doesn’t mean you’ve broken their heart. To experience heartbreak, you need empathy to feel. Narcissists don’t have that.
What do you think? Do you think it’s possible to cause true heartbreak to a narcissist?
As before, it’s less about how to break a narcissist’s heart and more about how to break a narcissist’s ego. That’s pretty easily done, actually. Underneath the bravado, narcissists need a constant stream of validation to make themselves feel good.
They surround themselves with the best of the best, from cell phones to cars, houses to jobs, and the people they have in their lives are always extremely good looking, extremely high powered, very high in social circles, etc. Whoever they allow to be seen by their side is someone who makes them look good. [Read: How to beat a narcissist and win over their game]
Of course, behind the scenes, it’s a totally different story. If someone gets close enough to a narcissist, they won’t experience happiness and joy. In a true and healthy relationship, you should feel happy and safe with your partner or friend, but when you’re with a narcissist you feel the total opposite.
Why stay? Because you can’t leave, or you think you can’t, at least. You’re dependent upon them because they’ve manipulated you into thinking that you can’t function on your own.
[Read: A relationship with a narcissist and what it means to love one]
If you really want to learn how to break a narcissist’s heart think outside of the box, but you first should question whether they have a heart in the same way as you in the first place. If by ‘have a heart’ we mean feelings and empathy, narcissists don’t have a heart. Their ego is their heart, and it’s fragile.
The problem is, by hurting their ego, you will experience backlash. Narcissists do not take kindly to criticism or anyone who questions their superiority. By doing so, you’re likely to be on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, and cruel retorts. This isn’t likely to go away overnight either. Narcissists don’t forget slights on their ego. [Read: Narcissistic rage and ways to handle the furious backlash from a narcissist]
Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Ask yourself that.
You’re reading an article about how to break a narcissist’s heart, and that tells me that you’re not feeling in the most loving of moods when it comes to the narcissist in your life. In that case, why not take it as a positive and motivate you to leave?
If you want to break a narcissist’s heart, perhaps the love you had for them is dwindling. Believe it or not, that’s good news.
This isn’t something you can change. A narcissist is not going to suddenly transform into a loving person. Even if they do, it’s an illusion and won’t last. So, why waste your time for a second longer? Use that energy you’ve suddenly developed towards hurting the narcissist in your life, and push it towards your efforts to leave.
Trust me, it will be the single best decision you make.
[Read: Narcissistic victim syndrome: How to get yourself out of a mess]
Many people have tried to learn how to break a narcissist’s heart and failed. It rarely ends well. Don’t put yourself through this and don’t even waste your energy on something which just isn’t going to work. Even if you do manage to put a dent in their armor, it’s not their heart you’re hurting, it’s their ego. What’s the point in that?
It isn’t possible to have a safe, loving, happy, and healthy relationship with a narcissist. You might think you can crack the case and change them, but I’ve heard it all before ten times over. Even I thought it at one point, but I was proven wrong too. [Read: Why do narcissists ignore texts and do the selfish things they do]
The single best thing to do, rather than trying to inflict pain and hurt, is to be the bigger person and make a plan to leave. Walk away. Get out of there. Focus on yourself and the life you deserve. I guarantee the relationship you’re in right now is not serving you well… whether you believe it right now or not.
[Read: What is the worst thing you can do to hurt a narcissist?]
If you’re wondering how to break a narcissist’s heart, stop right there and quit wasting your time. It’s possible to hurt their ego, in fact very possible, but their heart? Nope.
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methods to kill. II. Narcissists
We will continue to inflict psychological violence. Today, our victim will be a more dangerous beast - the daffodil. This type has already been trained in some skills of self-defense and manipulation, knows how to advance in society, especially in today's society. And his meat is richer, where without it.↓
If the narcissist can be described as briefly as possible, then this is a person whose internal self-esteem depends solely on external factors. He can successfully exist only in society, only surrounded by other people. Libido turns on itself the object of attraction and desire becomes its own ideal projection .
Mr. Brodsky somehow delicately remarked: “ By the way, we all masturbate ”, but the narcissist goes further: other people, in principle, are reduced to the role of objects for masturbation. And they have no more respect for others than for an elastic pink dildo. What kind of empathy can we talk about here?
To begin with, the narcissist lives with inflated self-esteem and fantasies about the significance and greatness of all his undertakings. Greatness must be verified by the recognition of others , their enthusiastic assessments. Moreover, he must receive his praise immediately: at the same moment, as soon as he is bitten by a worm of doubt in his own abilities. Narcissists have psychic inflation: an unrealistic sense of identity. Ambivalently replace each other complexes of God and total inferiority. It all depends on whether the narcissist is on a horse today or under a horse.
Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in.
It is important to know the following term - "self-objects". This is the name of the people who feed the insecure self-esteem of narcissists. It is an external object with which one can identify oneself. You can divide self-objects into two broad categories. The first is flatterers, sycophants and naive people who make up the main environment of the narcissist. A narcissist always has a fan club. This is dogma. Selfish egoists do not intend to keep not only critics and opponents, which is understandable, but even indifferent people or people who find it difficult to defiantly express approval. If a particularly talented sucker suddenly appears, then the narcissist begins to compare his old acquaintances with him, gradually becoming disillusioned with them. Like, if their language is not so rough and affectionate, then they love it less.↓
The second kind of self-objects are ideals and spiritual teachers. Narcissists tend to not only consider themselves great people, but also take pride in meeting other historical figures. These can be both people who are deified during their lifetime, as well as philosophers, writers and other prominent figures of the past. Such a self-object has indisputable authority; it often becomes a victim of an idealizing transference against its will. In particular, narcissists like to deliberately admire more successful colleagues, exalt successful writers if they want to become writers themselves, and have an almost teenage love for interesting teachers. They are attracted by the veil of success and recognition that they would like to create for themselves. In fact, this is a remedy for envy: can't outdo the object, then start worshiping it to snatch its mana .
Maybe someone remembers Natella Speranskaya ? This is an obvious and clinical case of narcissism. Her obsession with Dugin, Nietzsche, the presence of crazy global creative projects, intolerance of criticism, constant rattling of regalia, cosmic conceit and an abundance of significant self-portraits in the photo gallery - everything is like in a textbook.
By the way, the possession of various diplomas, diplomas and awards is very important for them. If in a person’s profile you see an impressive dossier with a list of victories, nominations, publications up to an extract about a good appetite from kindergarten, then you can be sure that a daffodil has opened up in front of you. The main task of narcissists is to compose a message about their remarkable functional potency . They spend a lot of time compiling detailed reports on their activities, both professional and personal. Sometimes, it comes to exhibitionism. A person thinks that the community from social networks is obliged to like any manifestations of his life, large and small. And then a photo of a crooked view from the window will be identically equal to obtaining an MBA certificate.
In general, it must be said that daffodils are the most important opportunists in the universe. They actively broadcast what they think is popular and in demand among the target audience. They never do anything for themselves, they never write to the table. However, having fed five thousand people, the narcissist suddenly discovers that he himself was left terribly hungry.
Narcissists lack empathy. They do not feel the feelings of other people, it comes to materialism in interpersonal relationships. They also have a very vague idea of boundaries. Often they unceremoniously interfere in the affairs and conversations of other people. Moreover, they immediately take a dominant position, put things in order without accepting any objections. So an old mother can break into the apartment of a formally adult child and remake everything there, rearrange, rebuild to her taste. Narcissists easily read other people's diaries and letters.
The worst thing for a narcissist is to experience shame. This is not guilt - guilt is experienced internally and is more characteristic of our beloved masochists. But shame is when other people think you are "bad". It is better to die than to experience full-blown disgrace. You see, the narcissist values his identity so much that he reacts with unbearable pain to any attack on it. He would rather put on a mask for which he will be praised than risk showing his true and vulnerable self . Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in. The narcissist becomes cold and indifferent, a sucking emptiness grows inside him.
One of my acquaintances showed her independence from others in every possible way. If she admitted that she depends on others, needs their love and approval, it would be humiliating. The people around her weren't people—they were stimuli. These must be surpassed, these must be impressed, recommendations must be obtained from these. From the outside, it looked like some kind of surreal marathon. But she didn't realize that she was sucking up. It seemed to her that she was behaving naturally, and for some reason people around were melting and thrilled. The consciousness of narcissists is actually unreflected. The higher the narcissist climbs, the more arrogantly he behaves. They do not remember the covenant Spider-Man that great power brings great responsibility. No, power brings to narcissists only the emancipation of passions and the worst manifestations of tyranny.
Narcissists find it difficult to establish long-term relationships. They care about quantity, not quality. One admirer easily replaces another, it is important to maintain (and slowly increase) the overall level of flattery and attention. They really do feel special. They often become intrusive and familiar because they feel that the accepted rules of decency do not apply to them. N.B. - Narcissists never break the rules when compared to asocials. They just think they're above those rules.
The sexuality of narcissists should be considered. Many of them fall in love or start having sex because they feel inferior in comparison to more successful peers who are already given. If they laugh at a narcissist that everyone has girls, but he doesn’t, tomorrow he will come with some kind of scum. Reacts to changes paradoxically. Curiosity begins to disassemble him: “Did you feel as good as with me?” And if the narcissist hears in response that it is the coolest thing with him, then he will easily forgive any adultery. A narcissist man will travel all over his partner's brains, figuring out whether she had an orgasm or not. If the relationship does not work out, the narcissist tries his best to devalue the object of his passion. Having received a nominee diploma for a graphomaniac rhyme, the narcissist will smile wryly and say: “Yes, she doesn’t deserve me.”↓
Social networks have done everything to contribute to the spread of narcissism among the population. If you think about it, this is a paradise for narcissists - thanks to likes and reposts, sympathy becomes something measurable and almost physically tangible, you can check in in beautiful and trendy places, at cool events, you can pour out your point of view on everything. Sooner or later, both online and in life, a narcissistic circle of interests is formed. It's a wild mixture of Masonic lodge and reality show "Behind the Glass" . On the one hand, the characters behave as if there, behind closed doors, almost the Eleusinian Mysteries are being accomplished. Narcissists with an important look stick out the elitism of their party. They scribble and masturbate to each other such comments and reviews that even freelance students for big money will be embarrassed to write. On the other hand, their activities are advertised through all available distribution channels. A group of narcissists entangled in a homogeneous hivemind behaves in exactly the same way as an individual member of this group. They, too, will look for subserviently assenting admirers and provoke (or rather, pretend to successfully provoke) those who do not fit into their mutual masturbation section.
However, narcissists can achieve quite significant success in society. In general, narcissists should be divided into two types. The first is a narcissist with no results. Everything is clear here, we see a petty and insignificant person with an inflated fantasy inner world, who believes that everyone around her owes her. It's funny and a little pitiful if we felt sorry. The second type is the achievement narcissist. It would seem that this person has real reasons to admire himself and demand the same from others. However the narcissist very quickly devalues all his achievements, the very next day they do not bring him any satisfaction . Because you can't build self-respect on achievements alone. And then he decides that, apparently, he just needs to achieve something even more grandiose, and he is going on a new campaign. And so on until it breaks.
We are used to the fact that children should be required to the maximum, that one cannot love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition
Prominent psychoanalytic minds distinguish two variants of the development of narcissism. For the purity of the experiment, we will consider both options. But I will still add a couple of subparagraphs from myself.
1) Narcissistic expansion - I myself subscribe to the theory that the main burden of the blame lies with the parents. Narcissists are very successful in raising new narcissists. For the narcissistic parent, the child is another self-object, a vehicle for self-esteem. A demanding father drives his son around the sports sections and waits for the results at the national team level. The child is forced to live in the paradigm of imposed perfectionism: to study for only A's, to die for a red diploma, to play the violin. Children are left with no freedom of choice, as soon as the child goes beyond the boundaries of narcissistic expectations, as loving and warm parents suddenly turn into cold, stone monsters. This shapeshifting, depending on how "good" the child is, cannot but frighten him. Because of parental rejection, a child is introduced to an all-consuming shame from an early age.
There is another thing: the narcissistic model when communicating with children is often chosen even by people with other accentuations. This is already a disease of society, environment. We are used to the fact that children should be demanded to the maximum, that it is impossible to love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition.
Thus, the true core of the child's personality becomes unclaimed. All you need is a perfect projection. As a result, the future narcissist forms a flawed image of the "I", is not capable of empathy and dialogue. The void is filled with hypertrophied conceit, delusions of grandeur and overcritical perception of other people. The narcissist believes that he can only be understood and accepted by superhumans, and that he will not want to communicate with ordinary proles like you and me. He builds communication so that simultaneously receive praise and break those around him with coldness and excessive demands, just as once broke him.
2) Narcissistic injury - if in the first case we have a pure and homogeneous narcissistic character, then here we are talking about an event that pushes a person onto the path of narcissism, even if he is initially dominated by a different type of personality. As a rule, the narcissistic trauma is a sharp decrease in status, a hierarchical collapse, public humiliation, an attempt to take on impossible obligations. In almost every anamnesis there is unhappy love, rejection and rejection as the most powerful fixer of trauma.↓
Moving away from shock, a person begins to gain self-esteem back. Only now, increased anxiety, distrust and fear of addiction are added to all his relationships. He gradually grows into a manipulative narcissist, obsessed with improving his false self.
3) Narcissistic contagion - none of the psychoanalysts developed this concept, so I offer a little gag. My personal practice shows that very many people who find themselves in a narcissistic party begin to gradually adopt their behavioral patterns and motivations. A person first becomes a fan of a narcissist, and then tries to catch up with him. Damn Facebook, in my opinion, is literally built on the stimulation of narcissism, engaging in an endless race of achievements.
Narcissists, especially successful representatives, know how to poison other people with dependence on the fictional world of Bohemia. People are filled with poison when they try to fit into the immoral and meaningless world of narcissists, thinking that there is some profit waiting for them, some special treatment. There is a narcissistic streak in every person - each of us is vulnerable and can fall, blinded by egocentrism and a thirst for honors .
I have arranged the root causes in order of increasing success of the therapeutic intervention. That is, the narcissistic expansion is practically not treated and is not corrected, the narcissistic injury with sin in half can be cured, and the easiest way is to save the infected. It's like with drug addicts - to isolate from drug addict friends and dealers, survive withdrawal and prevent relapse.
Narcissus is easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze.
And now the traditional reminder "how to recognize a narcissist" of thirteen points.
1) The narcissist does not respond adequately to criticism. Suddenly, arrogance and the veil of superiority fall from him, and he begins to swear in public. He cannot answer a negative comment himself - this must be done by one of his company. Only then will the narcissist be able to stabilize his shaken self-esteem. Therefore a pack of sing-alongs immediately swoops down on the stranger, and they drive him out of his comfort zone in a crowd . After that, the news of the glorious victory will be inscribed in all public chronicles.
2) The narcissist is just asking for compliments. He demandingly waits for bragging rights, this is something like a rent for staying in his company. If you don't pay, it will quickly cool off.
3) The narcissist has a utilitarian attitude towards the people around him. He does not see them as independent subjects, therefore he often breaks into their lives, grossly violates their personal space. It is impossible to get emotional support from him . Most likely, he will be afraid of manipulation, break loose and declare that he himself needs it.
4) Envy wears out the narcissist. He tries to control the entire circle of his acquaintances. He keeps a close watch so that no one jumps off and gets carried away by someone besides him. In a love relationship, he is harassed by surveillance, control, and will constantly demand confirmation that he is the best and most beloved.↓
5) He is terribly afraid to show his true self. He is also afraid of any actions that can knock out a stool of cheap popularity from under him. He has a certain audience for which he works, and he will never go against it. At the same time, the higher the narcissist climbs, the worse and more unbearable he behaves. He believes that others tolerate him only for status, and therefore wants to check if they will love him if he starts acting like an asshole on a daily basis.
6) Narcissus boasts of diplomas and medals. He always gives a complete list of his awards. His thinking is also deformed: he evaluates people in the same way, whoever has more awards and other status achievements is cooler. They compare themselves to others all the time. It is not enough for them to succeed - this must happen against the backdrop of less successful comrades .
7) Narcissists are easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze. With the formed troupe, he tours all the resources where at least minimal support from the audience is required for promotion. The psychology of masturbation works here too: narcissists like themselves and repost any mention of themselves on the wall. And yes, they have a selfie stick. Here I need to write some vulgarity, but somehow I'm already tired.
8) For some inexplicable reason, narcissists believe they deserve special treatment: a personal touch, a separate line for sausages, a cherry on a cherry on a cake. They are never satisfied with the quality of service. If suddenly an official or a waiter treats them in the same way as hundreds of other visitors, narcissists feel wild resentment, which they do not hesitate to throw out in complaints books. Everyone should drop everything and take care of him alone.
9) They have one or two inviolable idols. If you try to say something against him, you will stumble upon the same inadequate reaction as if you were to criticize the narcissist himself. At the same time, the attitude towards idols is absolutely not critical, they rush about with the books of those who are considered great, and sell them from right to left.
10) They reduce any conversations to themselves and their topics. If someone shows pictures of their cat, then the narcissist will interrupt the discussion and will definitely jump in with his cat. If we are talking about creativity, then it will bury itself in the plots and texts of the narcissist. He simply does not know how to keep up a conversation about abstract things that have nothing to do with him personally.
11) Projects are rarely completed. They collapse under the weight of the obligations they have proudly placed on themselves. Yes, many narcissists are workaholics, but often this work is wasted. They do not know how to plan, they do not think beyond two moves, they are generally not able to adhere to any strategy, preferring to respond to momentary challenges. They spend all their energy on the current small things.
12) Narcissists never. Again. Never apologize almost never use the standard polite expressions “psib-please” because, due to the presence of such protection as omnipotent control, as well as a lack of empathy, they take everything for granted. They handed the plate to the narcissist - what, are there other options? In communication, they owe nothing to anyone.
13) Narcissus produces a heap of simulacra. To be in trend, he has to write reviews of popular films and books, uncomment colleagues in the narcissistic workshop in order to hope for reciprocal services. It quickly closes in a limited cultural space. Everything he does bears the stamp of secondary, chewed. But it’s hard to put your own “I” into work when this “I” does not exist at all.
The narcissist sees himself as the root cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account.
1) Idealization / devaluation - as we have already noticed, there are no halftones in the perception of narcissists. Narcissus in his own eyes is either a god or a nonentity. Surrounding - either idols of gold, or mounds of shit. And the stronger the idealization, the harder the exposure will follow. This leads to the need to constantly change the object of admiration, prevents the establishment of long-term relationships.
2) Omnipotent control - the narcissist sees himself as the ultimate cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account. In addition, narcissists see the world through the prism of romanticism: they have an idea of how any event should proceed, and what roles others should play. Puppet theater with princesses and unicorns.↓
3) Projection — one's own negative intentions are attributed to others. If a narcissist hates himself, then it seems to him that others hate him and despise him. The use of projection worsens an already inadequate sense of interpersonal boundaries. For the same reason, there are a lot of homosexuals among narcissists. Narcissists are afraid of the opposite sex, maybe even jealous in some way. Fear of castration, envy of the phallus—well, you know all those Freudian mantras. The choice of a person of the same sex as a sexual object indicates the desire to have an ideal twin, who should not be afraid of .
4) Regression - a rollback into infantilism in frustration from a collision with the real world. The narcissist begins to avoid difficulties, hide from competitors, and generally needs the most primitive manifestations of love and affection. Needs are reduced to the most basic: to eat and sleep, in a dry, safe place. The narcissist can be capricious up to real psychosomatic illnesses.
Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique.
How to defend yourself
First of all, you must be aware that you are not at war with a person, but with a false image. It is impossible to defeat a fictional projection, don't even try. You need to keep yourself from becoming jealous of the narcissist, although he will do everything to realize this scenario. Demythologize, debunk, expose . If you believe even for a second in the fairy tale that the narcissist draws for naive viewers, you will put yourself at risk.
Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique. It seems that it is worth getting close to a narcissist, and the whole world will see something in you that they have not noticed before. Yes, I want to partake of the narcissistic halo, to sip glory. But this is just an appearance. These are tantalum flours.↓
Narcissus is manipulative, although without a glimpse of brilliant innovation in this area. Most often, he provokes you to anger or other strong negative emotions with his arrogant and arrogant behavior. If you have a passionate desire to teach the bastard a lesson, then you are caught. You picked up the projection that the narcissist pushed out of himself and became exactly what he expected to see. Restrain yourself from the desire to immediately get involved in a skirmish for any joke. Even if twenty guard poodles of Narcissus later neighed over this joke. Another trick is to make you feel ashamed and inferior. Anyone who gets caught up in a Facebook image competition with a narcissist will spend a lot of time and effort creating an attractive façade that has nothing fundamental behind it.
Never get involved in a narcissist's projects, avoid work that will benefit him. He has a lot of grandiose plans, but what prevents you from concentrating on your business? Maybe they are not so exciting, but they are your . Try to clearly distinguish between interests, do not become an accomplice in dubious undertakings and startups.
Defend your own borders fiercely to the point of scandal. It is necessary to protect your possessions from the invasion of a narcissist. Let him feel rejected every time, shame him, let the pain be incomparable with the feeling of power from penetrating into your personal space. It may take several iterations, but, sooner or later, you will be able to defend the autonomy, and the narcissist will go in search of easier victims. Don't bend over on this issue. Don't like the idea of counter-aggression? Do you want to save face and good relations with a narcissist and his gang? Then read some other method, somewhere for sure there is a "Method to please" in the spirit of old Carnegie .
Do not try to moralize, appeal to conscience - the narcissist does not suffer from this. This is a whole, but at the same time undeveloped personality, and it is best to subdue it through pain. And the absence of pain is like an encouragement. The tactic of open protest is one of the best self-defense options for a narcissist.
Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him.
How to manipulate
Manipulating a narcissist is quite difficult, because he runs into his selfish needs and refuses to move away from them. If you want something to be done, let it be done in public. Let the narcissist, if he helps you, get some symbolic points. Never try to manipulate a narcissist on the basis of an interpersonal carrot and stick - external evaluation will always be the dominant factor.
If you rise in society, sooner or later you will have to go through a layer of narcissistic personalities. Let's say our media sphere is made up almost entirely of narcissists, although many of them are infected and not original. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist perceives other people as self-objects. If he likes you in some way, he will drag you into his circle and advertise. As a thing, as a personal find - but is it really that important? You can easily enlist basic support from his like-minded people. And there it is not difficult to throw off the narcissist himself, because, as a rule, he is not very productive and is too busy with flattery and intrigues. Strength is valued in this circle, if you demonstrate great toughness, then the narcissist's mongrels will easily betray him and come over to your side. This is generally a common practice in narcissistic communities, so there is an off-scale degree of distrust. All of them are boiled in one cauldron, in which caramel and pus are equally divided.↓
A narcissist can be made addicted in two ways. Or through envy, here you need to have an image and support stronger than his. Or through his need to control and manage: be the elusive and beautiful butterfly that an avid collector tries in vain to catch.
Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him. The clearer your consciousness, the clearer you see the background of what is happening, the stronger you hold on to your own interests, the easier it will be for you to cope with a narcissist.
Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources.
How to kill
Curiously, a narcissist is much easier to kill than to manipulate. There are so many ways to cut it with a razor. Laughter, as I have repeatedly said, is a terrible weapon, but against a narcissistic personality it is impressively effective. Ridicule is the best strategy for dealing with a narcissist , the more people join the laughter, the better. Chase and harass him with banter. But, I ask you, let it really be funny, sharp and smart. Otherwise, you will drown in the mudflow of vulgar libels, which is massively practiced on graphomaniac resources.
Is the narcissist breaking boundaries? Answer him the same. Ignore the false personality, try to get to the real "I" with a red-hot iron, expose the existential emptiness of the narcissist. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist does not have his own development strategy, he is always busy responding to everyday events and requests. You will beat him in the long run, you just have to wait for the depressive phase when the narcissist eats away at himself with doubts. And sooner or later she will come, you just need to catch this moment and put pressure on it. The narcissist is helpless against the strategy of sustainable development that a person with adequate self-esteem uses.
Pull the narcissist into communities where he has no support, pull him into new situations. Narcissists are somewhat similar to chameleons, they are super-adaptive to the external environment. Let the external environment be something unpredictable and chaotic. It's like putting a chameleon on sheets of multi-colored paper and once a minute pulling out the sheet, forcing it to change color again. He will quickly go crazy.↓
Narcissus, burdened with real power, is best not to mess with as long as you are in his jurisdiction. However, if he cannot exert any administrative pressure on you, then he can be dealt with just as easily as other narcissists. Even a narcissist who has achieved everything in the world will still be dependent on external evaluations and dissatisfied with his position. If there is no escape from the narcissistic boss, then it is easier and more profitable to become his favorite. If you can’t become a favorite, then try to get yourself maximum autonomy and enlist the sympathy of your colleagues. In this case, the narcissist will be afraid to touch you so that other workers do not perceive him as a petty vindictive dirty trick. He doesn't understand that in fact, no one cares about , he always feels like in public, and this should be used.
Finally, repeat the narcissistic trauma, if any. Reject it, drop it, humiliate it. In the community of narcissists, the one who manages to throw a partner first wins.
Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources. Because of this, he is quickly out of breath. Try to cut him off from the support group. If the narcissist is left alone with you, then it is enough to portray not even contempt, but indifference, and he will quickly come to naught. Just don't fall into the traps of the illusory world of success.
In conclusion, I will say that narcissists are only as strong as you have not overcome narcissism in yourself . He can be both a very dangerous opponent and a paper tiger, and it depends not on him, but on you. Other psychotypes are a threat in themselves, but the narcissist is terrible only because he draws you into a fruitless competitive activity and into an airless space of mutual pleasing. Before you go on the warpath, defeat the narcissist within yourself, and then not a single narcissist can harm you from the outside.
14 manipulation and control techniques that narcissists use
Man among people Relationship crisis
Narcissists distort reality by misinforming, oversimplifying, ridiculing and sowing doubt. Many of them are fluent in the classical techniques of mind manipulation. In order to resist this manipulation, it is important to think critically and recognize in time the methods by which they consciously or unconsciously distort reality. Family therapist Dan Newhart lists 14 of the most common manipulation and control tactics narcissists use.
1. Appealing to emotions
Narcissists try to get others to give in to emotions (fear, guilt) instead of thinking logically. By appealing to emotions, they try to pass off false statements as truth. Since they are generally inclined to throw tantrums and scandals, this turns out to be quite natural for them.
“How dare you argue with me! After everything I've done for you!"
2. Relying on "majority opinion"
They try to force others to comply because "everyone does it." Narcissists are well aware of the mob power phenomenon. For them, the number of “likes” on social networks and other indicators of popularity are incredibly important. A large number of subscribers, friends or followers helps them feel their own value. They use the power of groupthink and the pressure of the collective to their advantage, making it clear that anyone who goes against them risks being an outcast.
"By the way, all your friends agree with me."
3. Black and White Thinking
These people present the situation as if there are only two choices, view the world in terms of "yes" and "no". Subtleties and semitones are inaccessible to them. They operate on the principle of "Divide and Conquer".
"You are either with me or against me."
4. Unsubstantiated claims
Narcissists believe that they do not need to prove their point of view, on the contrary, it is the opponents who will have to work hard to refute it. They also like to take credit for other people's accomplishments, but they don't want to take responsibility.
“I know for sure that I am right. This is true until proven otherwise.
5. Flattery and false compliments
Such people adore any compliments and are sure that others love them in the same way, and therefore they flatter them in order to convince them that they are right.
"I couldn't manipulate you anyway - you're too smart for that."
6. Distrust of the words of the interlocutor
Not understanding what the interlocutor is saying, narcissists often pretend that what is said is simply absurd and not worth discussing. In this way they try to brush aside well-founded objections.
“Do you really think other husbands are better than me? Do you think that other wives receive from their husbands even a small fraction of what I give you? You have no idea about the real world!”
Narcissists like to label people they don't like or ideas they don't agree with. In a word, they seem to humiliate the other and cross out everything he said. This gives them a sense of power.
“You always need something. You're just a loser."
8. False Compromises
They like to offer a "compromise" solution in situations in which one can do either right or wrong. “Compromise” then turns out to be just a lesser injustice.
“Okay, you won. I'll pay you back $50 of the $100 you borrowed, and we're even. It's better than nothing!"
9. Empty promises
Narcissists easily make promises without intending to keep them.
“It will be your turn. Promise".
10. Quotes taken out of context
These people often repeat what the interlocutor said, taking his words out of context and thus trying to discredit him and force him to justify himself.
"You always said that people should be responsible for themselves, so when the ambulance took you to the hospital, I thought you didn't need my help."
With the help of ridicule, disparaging or sarcastic remarks, unkind humor, narcissists put others down, showing that they do not take them seriously.
“I've never heard anything stupider in my life. Do not embarrass yourself!"
12. Consequence Intimidation
Such people often try to present some minor problem as “the first step on a slippery slope” that will supposedly lead to catastrophic consequences in the future. This is done in order to divert the attention of the interlocutor from well-founded claims with the help of far-fetched threats.
“If I agree to help you, you will decide that I am ready to do everything for you, and as a result, I will not live!”
13. Stigmatization of opponents
Narcissists often label entire groups of people as inferior or dangerous to justify their discrimination or even destruction. The position “the end justifies the means” is natural for them, since they put most people below themselves.