How to beat a narcissist in court
How to Get a Narcissist to Reveal Themselves - San Diego, CA
Puja Sachdev | March 16, 2021 | Child Custody
Being married to a narcissist can be a challenging experience. Divorcing a narcissist is worse. Learning how to expose a narcissist may be the only way to win a custody battle with a narcissist.
Working with an experienced family law attorney might help. A divorce lawyer deals with all types of personalities, including the narcissistic ex-wife and the narcissistic husband. Your lawyer can work with mental health professionals to develop a strategy for how to divorce a narcissist and win.
What is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is not someone who just likes to look at their image in a mirror or post hundreds of selfies. A narcissist is a diagnosable personality disorder. It is someone who has a lack of empathy and a delusional sense of self-worth.
The problem is the narcissist is also a master manipulator. They appear strong and confident. A narcissist may also appear accommodating and can easily charm other people, including judges, social workers, and even some therapists.
The question becomes how to expose the malignant narcissist without appearing to be the negative spouse in the marriage.
The Problem Arises in Custody Cases
A spouse living with a narcissist understands that the charming person that everyone sees is really a combative, controlling, and abusive person. Unfortunately, children may not notice these qualities because the narcissistic parent manipulates the children.
Therefore, you may ask yourself how to prove a narcissistic father manipulates your children to side with him? You may think you will never find out how to win a custody battle against a narcissist or how to get children away from a narcissistic ex who continues to cause trouble.
The answer is exposing a narcissist in court for everyone to see.
How to Get Child Custody From a Narcissist?
Your ex-partner may have developed some narcissist divorce tactics, but you can battle those. When you meet with your lawyer, have your evidence ready.
You need to provide your attorney with examples of how your spouse’s behavior proves that they have narcissistic tendencies.
Common symptoms of a narcissistic personality disorder include:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Sense of entitlement
- Requires excessive, constant admiration
- Exaggerates talents and achievements
- Monopolize conversations
- Looks down on people and belittles them
- Takes advantage of others to get what they want
- Preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, and brilliance
- Arrogant and haughty manner
- Envious of others
- Unwillingness or inability to recognize feelings and needs of others
Narcissists have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism because they do not believe they make mistakes. They can become angry and impatient. They may also react with contempt and rage.
Give your lawyer specific examples of your spouse’s behavior that fits into the symptoms of a narcissist.
The more your custody attorney knows about your spouse, the better they can prepare to question them in court or in front of a mediator or child advocate.
The key is to get your spouse to react poorly by using their narcissistic tendencies against them. Asking questions that allow your spouse to inflate their contribution as a parent will fit right into a narcissist’s desire to show off superior skills.
Your lawyer then switches to questions that contradict every good intention your spouse expressed just minutes ago. For example, your spouse is likely to tell the judge that he spends time with his kids every week. They go to the park, and he is at every little league game.
However, you have records you kept showing that your spouse has not attended one game or seen his children in weeks or months. When your lawyer begins questioning your spouse with facts and dates, he is likely to react poorly. Questioning his honesty and dedication is likely to make him angry, which is what you want the judge or other family law professionals to witness.
Do Not Allow Yourself to Be Manipulated in Court
What happens when a narcissist loses in court? They get angry if they believe they are beginning to lose a custody case. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Your spouse may try to make you look bad in court. Do not respond to allegations your spouse may level at you or apologize for anything. Regardless of what your spouse might say in court, remain calm.
You want the judge to see you as being the level-headed, stable parent. Your lawyer will get to the truth. Be careful not to allow your facial expressions or body reactions to give away anger or frustration.
Key Takeaway About Beating a Narcissist in Family Court
The key takeaways that you need to remember:
- Document everything with facts, dates, and copies of any communications
- If other people witnessed your spouse’s behavior, tell your lawyer immediately
- Remain calm during each court appearance or meeting involving your spouse
- Do not react to anything your spouse says – allow your attorney to handle it
Find a divorce lawyer that understands how to handle a narcissist and hire them immediately.
The sooner you have an attorney on your side to fight this battle, the better it will be for you and your children.
For more information, call our law firm at (619) 866-3756 or reach out to us via email by visiting our contact us page.
How to Deal with a Narcissist in Court Proceedings - Family Law Attorneys | ADZ Law, LLP
A key part of any family court proceeding is helping the judge understand your day-to-day life. When that life has included dealing with a narcissist, it can be especially difficult to get beyond their put-together outward appearance and help the judge see their real behavior. Here are some tips for how to deal with a narcissist in a divorce or custody case.
What is a Narcissist?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health issue that affects the way a person sees themself and others around them. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines narcissism as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.
” Narcissism is more common in men than women. It affects approximately 6.2% of the population (including 7.7% of men and 4.8% of women).
Common Narcissistic Traits
- Exaggerated self-importance (feelings of superiority without achievements to support it)
- Preoccupation with success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Belief that the person is “special” or unique
- Desire to associate with other “special” or high-status people
- Demanding excessive admiration
- Entitlement (unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment)
- Interpersonally exploitative (also called narcissistic abuse)
- Lacking empathy (unable to recognize others’ feelings or needs)
- Jealousy or envy
- Arrogance
Narcissistic Relationships Create Challenges in Court
Narcissistic behavior can be especially difficult in court because many narcissists are savvy manipulators, and not many people know exactly how to deal with a narcissist.
They often appear calm, suave, put together, and successful. They have decades of experience convincing people that they are right and that you are the crazy one. If they feel their power or control being threatened (like when you file for divorce) they will often proactively recruit friends and family members to their side, leaving you feeling isolated and alone when you need support the most.
If you are escaping a narcissistic relationship, the key will be to show the court (and your support team) the truth behind the mask. That will likely include testifying about some of your worst moments confronting this extremely high-conflict personality.
5 Tips for How to Deal with a Narcissist in a Divorce
1. Don’t Engage
Narcissists love to argue and get you to acknowledge that they are right. You will never win an argument with a narcissist. Fighting will only give them fuel for their claims that you are emotionally unstable.
Cut the narcissist off.
Unless you need to communicate about shared children, do not engage with them at all. Rely on your lawyer for all communication. If you must communicate (such as arranging parenting time exchanges), do so in writing and stick to facts rather than arguing.
2. Shield Your Kids from the Conflict
Your narcissistic partner will not hesitate to use your children as a bargaining chip. They don’t and may not care how their actions are affecting your children. Do what you can to protect your kids from being put in the middle of your custody dispute. Promise to always tell them the truth and invite them to come to you with anything your partner says about you, no matter how negative.
When you are divorcing a narcissist, it is often a good idea to get your children a therapist they can talk to about the process, and about both parents. Find a therapist with experience dealing with narcissism and tell them ahead of time about your partner’s behavior. The therapist can help you and your children address the problems that arise during and after the custody battle.
3. Don’t Expect Mediation to Work
Most family lawyers encourage couples to mediate or resolve their issues without going to court. But this won’t work in a narcissistic relationship. Narcissists have an all-or-nothing perspective. They will always go for the “win” even on issues that aren’t important to them. That makes mediation difficult. If you are ordered to mediate, be prepared. Know what your must-have issues are and draw a hard line. If mediation doesn’t work, you will likely have more success in court.
4. Document Everything
A narcissist thrives on your confusion and self-doubt. If they can trap you in a “lie,” they will. If you are going up against a narcissist in court, it is essential that you start documenting everything now. Keep records, bank statements, invoices, photos and videos. Create calendars and journals to remind yourself of what happened when. Download your text messages and chat logs. Gather as much evidence as you can to show yourself, your lawyer, and the judge what it’s like living with a narcissist.
5. Be Prepared to Explain Narcissism to the Judge
Narcissism is gaining visibility, but many people, including many judges, still don’t know what it means, or how it can affect what they see in the courtroom. You and your divorce attorney should be prepared to explain to the judge what narcissistic personality disorder is and how it affects relationships and behaviors. You may need to hire an expert to testify on your behalf about the disorder. Don’t be afraid to use every tool at your disposal. Your partner certainly will hold nothing back.
Get Help Facing the Narcissist in Court
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is exceptionally difficult. Doing it alone is almost impossible. At ADZ Law, LLP, our divorce attorneys understand NPD and how hard it can be to escape narcissistic abuse. We help the victims of domestic violence to leave their abusive partners and stand beside them throughout the court proceedings. We invite you to contact ADZ Law, LLP to schedule a consultation to learn more about our team, and how we can help you break free from the narcissist in your life.
How to argue with a narcissist without unnecessary shouting and emotions: 9 tips from a psychologist
In an ideal world, the question of how to argue with narcissistic personalities would have only one answer - you do not need to argue with them under any circumstances. You will only waste your strength. However, in ordinary life we inevitably have to deal with such people. Retelling Vice's material with advice from a psychologist on how best to survive a conflict with a narcissist without sacrificing your comfort.
Who is a narcissist?
It is worth noting right away that narcissism is not a diagnosis, but a pattern of behavior. Since 1968, the American Psychiatric Association has used the term "narcissistic personality disorder" to refer to a pathological form of narcissism. However, this material provides recommendations for communicating with people who are within the conditional norm. Among the characteristic features of narcissists:
- arrogant behavior;
- low level of empathy;
- constant search for recognition and attention;
- sensitivity to criticism;
- difficulty in controlling emotions.
There are different forms of narcissism - from milder (does not greatly interfere with the life of the person himself and his loved ones) to severe (with dangerous manifestations in the form of constant toxic or aggressive behavior). Most often, narcissists are not confident in themselves, so their argument during an argument is not aimed at resolving the conflict, but at protecting their own fragile ego.
Why is it impossible to argue with narcissists?
Conflicts are very important in a healthy relationship - they allow you to hear each other's opinion in a respectful way, perhaps point out weaknesses, and also come to some kind of final solution and compromise. This whole plot is impossible in the case of a dispute with a narcissist. The main reason for this is gaslighting (a form of manipulation, the victim of which begins to doubt himself and, eventually, loses his sense of importance, confidence in his identity and the ability to objectively perceive himself).
It can manifest itself in such phrases as “it never happened”, “stop making an elephant out of a fly”, “you have no right to be offended / experience these emotions with me”.
The narcissist is unlikely to admit his guilt - he will defend to the last the position that he is right, and everyone else is lying or misunderstanding the situation. However, there are tips that can help you get through an argument safely and without wasting emotional resources.
Don't settle for all conflicts
Most conflicts with narcissists are a waste of time and should be avoided if possible. However, in some cases it is not so easy. Try to highlight specific conflict topics that you are willing to spend your energy on - perhaps these are family or financial issues. Don't settle for every argument.
Remain calm
If someone starts yelling at you, don't do the same in return. Imagine that you are talking to an angry three-year-old child - speak in a calm and measured tone.
Remember, if you start overreacting, the person may suddenly change mood and say, "Hey, you need to calm down - why are you so excited?" As a result, you will feel lost and start to defend yourself.
Do not defend or explain yourself
When you argue with a narcissist, remember one thing - this person is not trying to hear and understand you. He has his own clear position, which he will prove to the last. With many of his arguments, he may deliberately hurt you - put pressure on weak points and look at the reaction. No need to start defending yourself - it's useless.
Remember the real facts
Gaslighting works especially well if you are insecure. If you are told that “you are too sensitive” or that “there was nothing like that”, do not try to argue with it in any way - this will only aggravate the situation. Mentally smile, realize that they are trying to manipulate you now, and continue the dialogue in a calm voice.
Stick to the main line of the conflict
In conflict, narcissists like to digress and avoid the original question as much as possible—especially if they feel like their argument is not working.
For example, you pointed out to a colleague that he was late in the morning, to which you hear in response: “I can’t believe you are making such a big problem out of this.” Not even two minutes pass, and the narcissist is already analyzing and discussing your day mode. If you notice this behavior, nod politely and, without commenting in any way, return to the main question.
Don't bring up old hurts (even if the narcissist does it themselves)
During conflict, narcissists will remember mistakes and stories that are years old. Remember - you don't need to make excuses for them. Try saying, "Now, let's keep our focus on the current problem or we'll never get anywhere." If everything returns to old grievances, you can approach everything with more empathy (not the fact that this will be effective): “Yes, I said and did that. I understand that it was wrong. However, now it is important to deal with the problem that is hindering us right now.”
Remember that you can always end the conversation
If the conflict escalates into shouting and accusations, you can always end the conversation.
You should not do it loudly and defiantly, slamming doors. Calmly say, “I don’t think this conversation is going to be very productive for both of us right now. So I'll probably take a break." If you feel you need to revisit the discussion, do so when you're ready.
Boring a narcissist
Narcissistic people like to argue and swear. They will provoke, insult and put pressure on weak points. Most of all, they will be annoyed by your calmness - at some point they will simply get bored with you. Don't be a source of strength and resources for the narcissist.
Bring the conversation to an end
Arguing with a narcissist is very annoying and takes a lot of energy. No wonder we want to finish it as soon as possible. However, bringing the dispute to an end is not so easy. Some phrases can only inflame the narcissist, for example: "I will never discuss this topic with you again." Try a softer and more relaxed option: "I think I said everything I wanted to." After that, do not continue the discussion.
Briefly and clear - this is about our Twitter
NARCISS: Self -esteem on Outsource
Posted September 10, 2016, 05:08
Publiceed September 10, 2016, 05:08 9000 Modified August 18, 2022, 20:05:05
Updated August 18, 2022, 20:05
September 10, 2016, 05:08
Narcissists are often really successful and loved. But you must admit that it is impossible to feel comfortable if your self-esteem is "outsourced" and depends on other people's assessments.
Plot
Power and business
I was surprised to realize that in the Russian hit parade of business anti-heroes, narcissists are leading, ambitious, attractive, but insecure and unbearable narcissists. What is this flower? How destructive is he for subordinates as a boss or as a colleague?
Vanity Fair
The director of commerce brought from Moscow was fabulously good in one of the enterprises where I worked.
He was educated, with a rare Western MBA for those times, in a suit and tie among the factory sweaters and trousers of the Bolshevichka factory, with a lot of marketing anglicisms in his speech. For us, provincial marketers, for about a couple of months he demonstrated our wretchedness and his own superiority. One weak person survived in a couple of weeks. Until my teacher intervened. He immediately recognized what field the flower came to us. And fertilized him very successfully with flattery, yielded in disputes. He dumped his work. I was then told "don't rush, we'll have time to merge, and a fresh look will not hurt us." For six months we got a fresh look from him. Then he ran away.
The most characteristic features of a narcissist, which everyone will name, are vanity and narcissism. However, there are others, less known, but no less unpleasant. A lack of empathy, jealousy, a tendency to exploit others, and a desire for power are all narcissistic. He feels like a special person, requiring special treatment.
These qualities can manifest themselves in very different ways from the mild stage to the actual narcissistic personality disorder. It is enough for someone to appear once a week with a photo in the media and then collect likes on the network, feeling a surge of strength and energy, while another needs not just a good attitude or professionalism, but the universal love of others, hymns in their honor and, God forbid, argue with him.
Narcissists are often really successful and loved, and it may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much undeservedly. But you must admit that it is impossible to feel comfortable if your sense of self-esteem is "outsourced" and depends on other people's assessments.
Psychoanalysts have not yet given a clear explanation for the disorder. There are some studies that talk about the lack of gray matter in the areas of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional regulation. Psychoanalysts believe that this type is formed due to an inadequately acute reaction to a sense of shame.
For a narcissist, the worst thing is when people think you are bad , and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the debunking of his ideality.
Narcissists achieve this very ideality in a variety of ways. They devalue other people's achievements, but they also never have enough of their own merits. Therefore, their seeming complacency is a soap bubble.
The narcissist perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect his best sides. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that the narcissist himself is also not easy: to relax and show himself to be mere mortals, even with very close people. Psychologists believe that it is also easier for a neurotic to survive with a narcissist. Narcissists are definitely manipulative outside the norm. They are deliberately prone to malicious behavior.
How to survive next to a daffodil?
There is no universal answer to this question. The options will depend on the degree of the character's narcissism, the type of relationship you have, your personality, and the challenges that need to be addressed.
Important:
- Recognize and accept the fact that this is a person with a very specific view of the world, on which obvious or convincing arguments in your opinion may not work.
- Avoid close contact if possible
- If this is not possible, then further from the task. You need to communicate and solve problems, well, keep in mind that all the best solutions are his solutions, he came up with them yesterday, you just reminded him today.
- In no case do not criticize him, his manner, features, decisions in public. Remember that a narcissist has a great memory. And colleagues, understanding the weaknesses of the hero, will not fail to talk about your position. Don't provoke.
- Ask questions. About the decisions, about how he made it, what this decision will give. The narcissist is far from stupid, having seen the “bugs”, he will correct it on the go. The main thing is not to talk about them right away, but to lead to the fact that "I found it myself - I corrected it myself, thank God, no one noticed.
" And of course, no "I told you so."
- Never remind the narcissist of his failures. And do not remind those who were present with them either. He is infallible. Dot.
If you are ready, like this gradually slowly, on tiptoe - such a chain - evaluation, acceptance, technology "conscience on outsourcing". Not ready? It's better to leave now. A narcissist does not know how to part peacefully. His task is to crush the one who did not appreciate him, so that there would be no memory left.
PS The myth of Narcissus
Narcissus was famous for his beauty, which no other young man possessed. But he was forbidden to see his reflection, otherwise the young man was destined to die. Narcissus' life changed when he met the wonderful nymph Echo.
Exhausted by loneliness in the forest, the nymph was looking for someone who could love her. Echo fell in love with a young man. Narcissus paid no attention to Echo. Then, the offended nymph began to pray to the gods for the punishment of the young man for unrequited love.
