How to be secure in a relationship

How to Create Emotional Safety in a Relationship: 7 Tips

Understanding how to create emotional safety is key to fostering meaningful connections and healthy relationships.

Emotional safety is the foundation for a loving and healthy relationship. It’s about establishing trust with another person and feeling safe enough to be open and vulnerable with them.

To put it simply, emotional safety is feeling secure enough to truly express yourself with someone and show up as your most authentic self.

Emotional safety also goes both ways. When you feel emotionally safe and reveal your true self, it opens the door for your partner to do the same. And when both people in a relationship feel secure, it provides a safe environment where a deeper and more loving connection can form.

Safety matters

Emotional safety does not apply to abusive relationships. If you’re experiencing abuse, whether physical or emotional, you have several options for seeking help. Try reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist or calling a domestic violence hotline.

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When you find yourself in an emotionally safe relationship, chances are you’ll experience many advantages as a result. Benefits of emotionally safe relationships include:

You feel valued and valuable.
You can truly be yourself without the risk of judgment.
You can show your weaknesses without being taken advantage of.
You can share boldly and express yourself freely.
You feel seen, heard, and understood.

More importantly, an emotionally safe relationship creates a stronger connection.

Of connection, Brené Brown, author and research professor of social work at the University of Houston, said it best: “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. ”

Wondering how to build emotional safety or unsure where to start? We’ve broken down seven helpful ways to cultivate trust and vulnerability in any relationship.

Respect boundaries and consent

Setting and respecting boundaries can increase safety and security in a relationship by establishing personal limits. By communicating a limitation, you let your partner in on your preferences and invite them to share their own. Think of boundaries as not only protecting yourself but also protecting your relationship.

Boundaries can be physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, or financial — all critical to nurturing respect in a healthy relationship. Once you set a boundary, it’s crucial that you and your partner respect it. Some examples of boundaries that promote emotional safety are:

honoring what is important to you
sharing personal information gradually
protecting your time by not overcommitting
asking for space when you need alone time
communicating your comfort level on intimacy

Pay attention to your nonverbal communication

Body language is essential for emotional safety.

Vocal tone, eye shape, posture, and other micro expressions are continuously being interpreted by you and your partner, whether you realize it or not. “If you approach your partners with hard eyes, tightly pressed lips, and short words, they may not feel safe,” says Dr. Jake Porter, a Houston-based licensed professional counselor.

“The key here is to realize that we are each responsible not only for the words we say but also the way we send them,” he adds.

It’s a good idea to practice paying attention to the nonverbal communication you’re carrying with you before you approach your partner. Consider asking yourself, “What is my body language communicating right now?”

Be an active listener

Active listening is a critical component to a healthy relationship because people need to feel heard and understood to feel secure and validated. “Active listening is when you set aside your defenses and distractions, and truly take in what your partner is telling you,” explains Dr. Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Massachusetts.

“The ability to actively listen means that whenever fears or issues arise, your partner will feel comfortable telling you,” she adds. “Instead of the problem growing or your partner becoming resentful, you’ll be able to quickly and easily address it.”

Some ways to practice active listening include:

nonverbal signs of listening like smiling, nodding, and maintaining eye contact
asking your partner questions or asking for clarification
summarizing or reflecting back on what was said

Practice transparency

Transparency is an important part of building trust and emotional safety. When you practice transparency, you eliminate the potential feeling that you or your partner are hiding something from each other.

While you don’t need to share every part of your life with your partner, “general openness about your thoughts, feelings, and activities is a good way to build trust, communication, and security,” says Morley.

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt means removing judgment and, instead, being curious to learn about the motivation for their behavior. “Most people’s motivations are subconscious and often connected to their own baggage they bring to the relationship,” says Baltimore-based certified imago relationship therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin.

“When we stop judging and making up stories of why our partner did what they did, we begin to look at them favorably from a place of compassion and understanding,” he adds. “We may disagree with them, but we can at least create a safe environment without confrontation.”

Foster accountability and follow through

Following through shows your partner that you are dependable and value the relationship. When you commit to something and follow through, you actively build trust by showing your partner your loyalty. Yet following through doesn’t have to happen overnight.

Even when you take small steps, enabling your partner to see your consistent effort shows them your commitment to the relationship. Try keeping your partner in the loop, as this will help you hold yourself accountable too.

Consider couples or relationship therapy

A mental health professional’s perspective can help people in relationships build emotional safety by focusing on dealing with conflict rather than focusing on the conflict itself.

“Couples therapy fosters emotional safety by helping couples understand how they work together as a system,” explains Porter. “When I work with couples, I’m less interested in the content of what they are fighting about than the process of how they fight.”

“Focusing on the content might help them in the moment as I mediate a dispute, but they are just going to end up right back in the therapy office next time they can’t agree,” He adds. “Instead, by helping them create a new process for how they approach conflict to set them up for success as life continues to throw challenges their way.”

Emotional safety is key to a healthy and happy relationship. There are countless ways to create emotional safety, and some may work for you better than others. Consider trying a few of the ways we’ve identified and decide which ones work best for you and your partner.

While it may take time to build emotional safety, the result is a relationship built on mutual trust, respect, and unconditional support. Not only will you find yourself seen, heard, and understood, but you will find yourself feeling more connected to yourself and your partner. Try to be patient with each other, and then watch the benefits of being open and vulnerable unfold.

How Do You Build Emotional Security in a Relationship?

Developing a secure bond with your partner may allow both of you to share your true selves with confidence and safety.

Emotional security is the bedrock of a stable, healthy relationship. It contributes to true intimacy and trust.

In an emotionally secure relationship, you have a sense that your partner understands and accepts all of you. Because of this, you can feel confident opening up, being vulnerable, and sharing your hopes, fears, and pain.

Emotional safety in a relationship may also mean that even when you’re not physically together, you both feel assured in your connection.

You can go out into the world and live independent lives while being confident that your relationship is a safe place to return to.

There are two components to emotional security, both of which are important to consider.

There’s emotional well-being and security as it relates to your own mental health. This is about how you feel about yourself and how you relate to the world in general. Emotional security is influenced by your prior experiences and the type of attachment style you’ve developed.
There’s also emotional security as it refers to relationships. This type of emotional safety takes you and your partner to build and maintain it. Communication and trust are key to emotional security in relationships.

Even if you’re emotionally secure in general, that may not translate to your relationship if your partner isn’t on the same page or if you’re facing specific challenges that may require additional emotional resources.

Sometimes, your past experiences, emotional challenges, and poor communication skills can lead to behavior that may make it hard to build emotional safety in a relationship.

Every situation is different, but here are some behaviors that may represent challenges to achieving emotionally secure bonds.

1. Defensiveness

Defensiveness sometimes refers to feeling judged or attacked when someone gives us feedback. When you feel attacked, you’re more likely to react in defensive ways.

For example, if your partner tries to discuss a problem, you may deflect blame, become hostile, or make sweeping statements like, “I know you don’t really love me.”

This can get in the way of open conversations that make you both feel safe expressing how you feel.

2. Criticism

Sometimes, defensiveness comes from criticism or not feeling accepted as you are.

Criticism may mean focusing on what you think may be your partner’s faults, and expressing disapproval about something they’ve done or said.

Not all feedback is criticism, but a constant pattern of blaming, correcting, or nitpicking could create an emotionally unsafe dynamic.

3. Contempt

Contempt is a belief that someone or something may be unworthy of your acceptance or respect.

In a relationship, communicating with contempt can involve mocking, sarcasm, name-calling, hostile language, and nonverbal behavior like eye-rolling.

Acting with contempt could impact trust and how safe you and your partner feel with each other.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is what many refer to as the “silent treatment.”

Sometimes this may also involve physically turning away during a conversation, appearing to be distracted on the phone, or leaving the room when the other person is still talking.

Attachment style theory: Change is possible

During the 1950s, British psychoanalyst John Bowlby developed attachment theory, which states that a child’s bond with their primary caregivers shapes how they navigate all other relationships throughout life.

Research published in 2019 suggests that a person’s attachment style can change over time.

If you feel you or your partner use an anxious or insecure attachment style, there are tools to work through it that can help develop more secure ways to relate to one another.

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Everyone’s different, which makes all relationships unique. The bond you and your partner develop is a combination of both of your worlds, experiences, and expectations.

The main signs of emotional security in a relationship are that you both feel comfortable, safe, and confident about each other and the bond. This helps build a loving, lasting bond.

Here are another five things that can indicate you and your partner have developed emotional security:

Sign No.

1: You don’t dwell on your past

Dwelling on past relationships, experiences, and challenges can make it hard to enjoy the present. It can also be a way to avoid being open with your current partner or an excuse to avoid working on current roadblocks.

Being able to let go of the past and enjoy the moment can contribute to creating a strong bond.

Sign No. 2: You can be your true self

It can be difficult to be vulnerable and show your whole self to another person. In an emotionally secure dynamic, you can feel comfortable expressing yourself and showing different aspects of yourself to your partner. You may also feel safe if you opt to keep some of your private things for yourself.

Sign No. 3: You don’t seek constant validation

While can be natural to enjoy reassurance from your partner, constantly needing comfort from them could be a sign that you may be feeling insecure or fearful. For example, you may be experiencing abandonment anxiety.

When you’re emotionally secure in a relationship, you develop a constancy that can make you feel the bond will remain strong even when you’re upset with each other or physically apart.

Sign No. 4: You feel seen, heard, and understood

In an emotionally secure dynamic, you can feel comfortable in expressing yourself with complete honesty, knowing that your partner sees you clearly and will listen to you carefully. When conflicts do arise, you can approach them from this place of mutual understanding.

This is what some people refer to as emotional availability. Being emotionally present and willing with one another is a sign of emotional security in a relationship.

If you believe you and your partner may need to work a bit more on emotional security, here are some steps you can consider.

Step No. 1: Try not to disregard your own needs

Your partner suggests going out with friends, and even though you’re tired and don’t feel like socializing, you say “sure!”

It can be tempting to just go along with your partner’s wishes, especially if you have people-pleasing tendencies. Over time, though, constantly putting someone else’s needs before yours can create resentment and distance.

It’s important for both of you to try to become comfortable with sharing your needs and preferences, and expressing how you feel when these aren’t heard or honored.

Step No. 2: Paying attention to your body language can help

Nonverbal communication can be just as powerful as the words you use. You may want to consider working on creating consistency with one another when communicating with your partner.

Sometimes your body language may be at odds with what you’re saying. You say you’re not upset, but your fists are clenched, your tone of voice is dry, and your shoulders are tense.

This can make it hard for your partner to understand what you’re going through and develop a sense of safety that you mean what you say. You may also feel you can’t express your feelings.

Staying aware of how you feel and working on communication skills that allow you to express yourself in an assertive way may be a good idea.

Step No. 3: Consider approaching conflict as a team

Conflict can be a typical part of a healthy, long-term relationship, but ideally, an argument doesn’t feel like “me vs. you.” Instead, you may want to try to approach the situation from the “us vs. the problem.”

Trying not to focus on scoring points, or on being right, and instead considering viewing your partner as your teammate can be helpful when working on resolving the issue.

Step No. 4: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt

Let’s say your partner is running late for a date, forgets to do a chore, or in some other way doesn’t meet your expectations.

Before you assume the worst or generalize, maybe think about their track record and specific evidence.

If they’re generally reliable and respectful, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt — that is, start from the positive assumption that they’re doing what they can and they don’t mean to hurt you.

Step No. 5: You might want to maintain a life outside of your relationship

When you’re in a romantic relationship, it can be tempting to let everything else fall away. But an emotionally secure bond can provide you and your partners a safe base from which you can go out and live independent — but interconnected — lives.

It may be a good idea to nurture your own friendships, professional life, and hobbies, and encourage your partner to do the same.

Step No. 6: Consider professional support

If you feel you and your partner are still facing challenges when it comes to emotional security, you might consider reaching out for help.

A mental health professional can help you both determine what the main challenges are and how to approach them as a team.

Emotional security is about feeling confident navigating the world, including your relationships. This involves feeling at ease expressing your true self, being vulnerable, and feeling you don’t need constant reassurance from your partner.

Feeling emotionally safe depends on the type of attachment style you’ve developed but also on the relationship dynamics you’ve created with your partner.

Improving communication, avoiding hurtful behaviors like the silent treatment, and reaching out for professional support can be helpful steps toward developing emotional security.

How to deal with your own insecurities in relationships

If you are prone to stress and constant doubt, then any relationship can make you feel vulnerable and emotionally unstable. This is by no means uncommon for people who have had bad experiences in the past or dealt with a toxic partner. What to do? Avoid jumping to conclusions and exaggerating, which can be the key to overcoming insecurities and anxiety in your relationship.

1. Pay attention to potential causes of your insecurities

All relationships have their ups and downs. It is normal for there to be some friction or misunderstanding from time to time. The problems you may be dealing with may be related to finances, jealousy, doubt and fear of being abandoned. More difficult cases are loss of trust, long-term stress, or excessive negativity.

2. It's hard, but don't jump to conclusions

Try to recognize that the problem may be imaginary and due to your own overthinking. Make an attempt to be more realistic and don't rush to think about the worst. If you still have powerful doubts, then they should be discussed with a partner. Be attentive and open to what he tells you, but do not jump to conclusions, because most often such an impulsive reaction is false.

See also: If love is real, then you don’t have to work on relationships?

3. Accept that no relationship is perfect

Every couple has their own problems, and you won't always share your partner's opinion or emotional state. Just accept this fact. Don't expect the other person to give you at least 80% of their time and be there for you all the time. Such obsessive demands on your part will lead to emotional burnout, which will only exacerbate anxiety.

4. Recognize that all relationships are different

Having troubled relationships in the past makes you wary of your current partner. However, it is vital for you to recognize that every relationship is different. Don't bring emotions from your past relationships into your current relationship. Understand that your partner is a completely different person with a different motivation, different qualities, different strengths and weaknesses.

5. Look for the positive in everything

Sometimes we can pay too much attention to the negative and forget about the qualities that we like in a partner. Instead of dwelling on the shortcomings, be able to stop in time and notice all the good that is present in your relationship. Focus on what you love about your partner and what they do for you. This can make you feel more confident and calm.

Also read: Types of attachment and their impact on your relationships

6. Look for self-confidence

That's right - you need to, first of all, restore self-confidence. This is a really powerful way to counter anxiety in a relationship. Do not shift the entire responsibility for your happiness and well-being to your partner. Stop putting pressure on him, and this will definitely reduce the tension in communication.

7. Talk and discuss

We are all very different people and show our feelings and affection in different ways. If you encounter problems in your relationship, which may be caused by your insecurities and anxiety, then your only strategy is to start over. Get rid of old emotions, clear your perception and look at your partner with a new look. Perhaps this is how you can restore the trust that you had in him initially. Sit down and discuss what each of you wants in a relationship and do your best to understand each other's needs.

Text: Flytothesky.ru

Also read:
Never chase someone who considers you a fallback

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5 Things That Will Boost Relationship Confidence

Self-development coach Mark Chernoff, the author of these five points, recalls that he often felt not good enough for friendships, relationships, or business partnerships with certain people when he was younger. Sometimes he simply could not understand what others saw in him and was very unsure of himself.

Mark ended more than one promising relationship because of his insecurities. It's easier for him to end the relationship before the other person does, he thought. But as he grew emotionally, Mark began to realize that he needed the comfort and support that comes with a long-term relationship.

If someone really treats you badly, lies and deceives you, feeling insecure is a natural reaction. But if you have a really good relationship with someone, it might be time to pay attention to the following things so as not to screw up a promising relationship at the very beginning.

1. Accept that mind reading is impossible

Most relationship problems are the result of poor communication, which in turn leads to mind reading. Then people assume they know what others think. The process of guessing what a person is thinking is a sure way to insecurity and stress.

Mind reading impairs communication and reduces confidence, not the other way around.

If a person says one thing, don't assume they really mean something else. If he doesn't say anything at all, don't think that silence has hidden negative connotations.

Similarly, don't make people read your mind. Say what you think and think what you say. Give people the information they need instead of expecting them to guess on their own.

But don't be skewed by constantly asking “What are you thinking about?” because our loved ones have a right to thoughts that they want to keep to themselves.

2. Don't waste valuable time looking for the perfect relationship

You can waste your whole life in this way. Or you will find yourself furious as you feel more and more insecure after yet another failed relationship that didn't fit your fantasy of perfection.

If you have been in a relationship more than once, most likely you have begun to understand that there are no ideal partners. Realizing and accepting that you yourself are imperfect will allow you to prepare for a harmonious relationship.

Recognition of your own shortcomings will reduce unrealistic expectations

So, you are looking for imperfect people who balance you - imperfect ideal people for you.

3. Don't judge current relationships by previous ones.

Think about how you could judge a person unfairly just because they reminded you of someone who mistreated you in the past. This can also happen in relationships where, due to traumatic experiences, people become defensive against anyone who approaches them. Although these new relationships could be sincere and supportive.

If you carry over old patterns from failed past relationships into your current ones, you will create another structure that is incapable of life. Therefore, if you suspect that you have unfairly compared your current relationship with the past, do the following.

Reflect consciously on all the negativity of the old relationship, and then think about how your relationship is different now. This little exercise will help you let go of the past and remind you that past adversity does not negate existing opportunities.

4. Do not multiply non-existent problems

Creating a problem in the mind and then believing in it are true companions of self-sabotage. People are too often preoccupied with troubling predictions, deluding themselves with negative thinking, and ultimately living in anticipation of the worst-case scenarios.

Uncertainty is often the cause. If you doubt yourself and do not realize your own worth, you will not give others a single opportunity to take care of you.

Build confidence in yourself and your relationships by asking yourself if the problem is real

You need to understand that there are oddities in any relationship. Everything happens: ups and downs, mood swings, moments of intimacy and friction, and that's okay. Wanting absolute intimacy all the time is hardly realistic.

The next time you feel insecure and find yourself worrying about a problem that doesn't exist, stop and take a deep breath.

Say to yourself, "The problem I'm worried about exists only in my mind.

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