Build intimacy in relationship

28,442

Man and woman

We are often asked how to create an environment for intimacy. Usually they mean physical intimacy and ask to help them seduce a partner. Seduction is rather a “conquest”, the achievement of a certain goal. It differs from the experience of intimacy, which usually occurs spontaneously and does not require coercion or manipulation.

If we want to develop an emotional connection, it is important to communicate with a partner openly, with love and without judgment - and to do this always, and not just when we "want something." Nothing is more repulsive than the feeling that they are trying to appease you for selfish purposes. No one likes to be manipulated into saying, "After everything I've done for you."

Even if in the past we have resorted to manipulation, to behave selfishly, we can regain the trust of a loved one. To do this, you need to remember how we behave when we are trying to flatter a partner in order to get something for ourselves in return. Try to start behaving like this all the time, for no reason. Give him attention and care just like that.

Usually we don't think about our partner's feelings, it seems to us that we already know what he can think and feel. Not true! Perhaps we know something, but basically we don’t even know what is happening in his soul and what he needs.

Life does not stand still, and we change. Forgetting that the partner is also actively developing as a person, we consider him to be something frozen and unchanged, which means we stop appreciating him at his true worth. And he feels the absence of love. All the gifts of the world cannot compensate for the lack of attention.

It is important that both of you feel that your love is stronger than any discord and conflict

Nothing can be more valuable than the unconditional love and attention of a person who is dear to us. After all, with the help of attention, we allow him to feel valued and adored. At this point, we ourselves begin to understand it better. The more love in our deeds and words, the more intimacy in the relationship.

If you are ready to give your partner time and attention, not to criticize and condemn, then he, too, will most likely be able to let go of past grievances and open up to you in return. Don't try to convince him to "forget already" about the past - show that you love him regardless of how he feels at the moment.

It is important that both of you feel that your love is stronger than any discord and conflict. When you really love a partner and are sincerely interested in what he feels, what he wants and what he strives for, this cannot but touch.

Such an attitude cannot be imitated. When we do something solely for a selfish purpose, the partner feels false. If we give selflessly, only out of a desire to show love and please a loved one, such a gift from a pure heart will bring joy to both.

A real gift “saturates the soul” of both the giver and the recipient. If we put forward conditions or make claims, this only spoils the gift, and it does not really please anyone. Like delicious, but empty and unhealthy food that gives short-term satisfaction, but does not saturate the body.

About the Authors: Linda and Charlie Bloom are couples therapists, couples therapists, and authors of The Secret to a Successful Marriage.

Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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How to create close relationships. closeness conditions.

Oksana Butrim

How to create intimate relationships. Conditions of intimacy

Where does intimacy go....

We are talking about not sexual intimacy, but spiritual or moral. She is intimate and intimate. That which allows us to feel easy and free next to another person.

Here I will describe the conditions necessary for a feeling of intimacy to arise. And I will touch on the reasons why intimacy disappears.

Almost at the beginning of any relationship between a man and a woman there is what we call intimacy. The conditions for its occurrence are as follows:

No fear of being yourself

Intimacy is when you are not afraid to be yourself and you don't have to pretend to be yourself. When you are accepted with all your flaws. Small children have such a state, they are very sincere in their manifestations. Newly lovers also have it, when a couple looks at each other through rose-colored glasses. In their relationship there is intimacy, sincerity. At this stage, partners do not notice each other's shortcomings. Or if they notice, they don’t critically evaluate them, they seem like a trifle, a “highlight” of a partner.

i.e. if you are not afraid to be yourself around some person, then this is a serious claim that your relationship can become intimate.

Over time, something happens, probably, the hormones of love stop working. And the partners begin to notice each other's serious shortcomings, or maybe they just get to know each other better. What used to be a "highlight" is starting to irritate. And there is a negative assessment of the person. And when a person is negatively evaluated, he begins to close down or devalue the one who negatively evaluates them (“He does not understand what he is saying” or “His opinion does not matter to me”) And at this moment, intimacy begins to leave.

The desire will take care of the person who is next to you

If there is such a desire, then there is a high probability that spiritual intimacy will happen.

At the beginning of a relationship, you want to take care of a person, you want to anticipate his wishes, to do something for him, without waiting for him to ask. But over time, this desire disappears. People can live in the same apartment, sleep in the same bed and kiss each other on the cheek, saying goodbye, but they don’t want to take care of each other. And there is no passion. This may be due to a negative evaluation. Maybe a person disappointed you: he seemed to be one, but turned out to be completely different. Maybe he criticizes you all the time, pointing out your shortcomings. But in any case, people move away from each other, they do not want to have anything to do with each other.

Tenderness is another marker of intimacy

If there is criticism, disrespect, negative assessment between people, then they usually do not want to treat each other tenderly. When tenderness leaves, intimacy leaves. Here we are talking about tenderness not during sex, but in everyday life: when you want to take your hand, stroke your head, hug, etc.

Acceptance of a person as he is.
No ratings and no desire to change it

Let me turn again to the beginning of a relationship, when the partners are wearing rose-colored glasses, when they love each other and believe that they are lucky with their partner. Then it does not occur to them that the partner needs to be changed, the shortcomings seem uncritical. But over time, everything changes: the shortcomings begin to annoy, we give a negative assessment of his behavior. And thus, we push him away from us. A person does not want to come close to us. If we do not accept a person as he is, if we want to change him, then there will be no closeness, no matter how much we would like it. Intimacy is a mutual thing - it is impossible to be in a close relationship with someone who does not want it.

The effect of presence

It happens that people are in the same room, but do not communicate, everyone thinks about his own. For example: a family is walking in the park. The husband is on his own, the wife is on her own. And somewhere their child is running around. They went to the park only because it is customary to walk together with the child on the day off. But they don't want that at all. This can happen if people are not comfortable being around each other, but they are forced to do so. And then there is no closeness between them, even though they are geographically close.

To be present in a relationship, to be included in a relationship, you need to be aware of yourself

To be aware of yourself is to understand what you want and what you don't want and have the right and courage to talk about it. If you do not understand what is important to you, if you do not realize what you really want, if you cannot tell the person who is next to you about your desires and unwillingnesses, then there is no closeness between you. A close relationship is a relationship in which you are not afraid to offend your partner if you understand that you will be accepted with any feelings, desires and shortcomings.

Vulnerability is a sign of closeness

I wrote about this in more detail in the article “Vulnerability is the price of closeness”. If you are vulnerable in a relationship, then your relationship is intimate. After all, you can hurt someone who is nearby and open to you. It is important to trust the person with whom you have an intimacy. You must understand that if a loved one hurts you, then this is not on purpose. It is important to take as a principle in a relationship that if a person offends me on purpose, intentionally, then I do not want to have anything to do with him. If I am sure that this person treats me gently, carefully and with respect, but at the same time he hurt me, then this is not on purpose. And then you should not be offended by him. In intimate relationships, we will sometimes get hurt, we need to be prepared for this, because it is inevitable.

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