How long do narcissists give the silent treatment

Narcissists & The Silent Treatment

Narcissists will invoke the silent treatment for days, weeks, and longer with no explanation as a way to control and demoralize their partners. Narcissists are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. The first time it happened to me, I felt as lost, sad, and helpless as the puppy in the picture. I thought my ex surely must be dead on the side of the road to not have called me for three days. Well, those three days turned into six weeks. Little did I know that that particular silent treatment was the first of literally hundreds to come. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone could do something like that on purpose to a person that they supposedly cared about.

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My ex-N of 12-years executed a narcissistic silent treatment, on an average, about every 3-6 months (and, during one stretch, even every two weeks), depending, I assume, upon how his other sources of supply were faring. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered back or before my begging at his door and endless onslaught of desperation letters forced him to give in. The Silent Treatment, for my ex and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic and it gets the point across.

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No matter how he goes about it or why it happens or when it happens, the Silent Treatment always sucks. The fact that the victim of a narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissist’s silent treatment as particularly demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…aren’t worth a moment of his time…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit on his shoe. How true that is? We all get the point and fast!

“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Keeping us in the dark about when it will end (or even why it’s happening) is an intentional strategy designed to create as much anxiety as possible in the recipient. And it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and to give up the need for closure. We become the puppet and the Narcissist, the Puppeteer.

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The silence is meant to hurt you. It is meant to teach you a lesson. And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply.

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Most victims – myself included – will describe the days and weeks of silence as an agonizing torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response. If this means apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though we know have done nothing wrong, then so be it. When you’re in the thick of it, the pain of the silence is far worse than the pain of being a doormat. Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels his victim have been punished enough or the girl he’s seeing does something he doesn’t like. When this happens, he will usually return offering no explanation – or at least no logical explanation – and he will expect to pick up right where he left off and as if he’d never been gone. So dismantled and dejected, the victim often demands no answers anyway, keeping her mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that her anxiety has passed. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment so that the N gets away with the entire debacle. This is just another narcissistic strategy for managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.

Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, it is just one more requirement he has filled in the overall pathological relationship agenda. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. No one …not even one time.

In my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I devote an entire chapter to a step towards recovery that I call Silence Appreciation. By learning to actually appreciate the silence given and by using the time wisely as yet another step towards mentally freeing oneself from the narcissist, you’re life will begin to make miraculous changes. It did for me and I know it can for you as well….

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Toxic Silence: Why Narcissists Go Silent and How to Cope

How do you deal with living with a narcissist who is giving you the silent treatment? Someone who will co-exist with you in the same house while literally ignoring you?

What if that goes on for days? Weeks?

The silent treatment can feel like psychological torture, and it can cause you to feel like you’re going crazy. This is why learning the truth about narcissists and their manipulative behavior is vital for those of us who are enmeshed with them.

Here’s the truth: living with and spending time with a malignant narcissist can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, at the very least.

And, unfortunately, it can also lead to situations where you’re so focused on getting the narcissist to change that you overlook other important aspects of your life.

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Not only is it emotionally exhausting, but it makes you feel like you’re completely worthless, and it can make you feel like you’re losing your mind!

So what are you supposed to do when you’re the victim of the silent treatment?

Most experts will tell you that ideally, this would be a two-word answer: no contact.

But in real life, things don’t always work ideally, and people sometimes need to live with narcissists – so let’s dig into this.

The silent treatment is a manipulation tactic where a toxic narcissist will stop talking to you for days, hours, weeks, or even months to punish you for some perceived slight. It can cause severe emotional and psychological damage if you don’t realize what is happening.

What is the goal of silent treatment?

The silent treatment enables a narcissist can take the “spotlight” from you – even inside your own head. It is one way they can sort of become the center of your life.

Their goal is to cause you to become so obsessed with figuring out what to do to resolve it that you might even stop thinking about yourself, which can lead to your boundaries being violated one by one until the narcissist has complete control over you.

You would naturally stop attempting to take care of yourself in the process because you’re so focused on the narcissist.

Awareness is the first step on the road to healing from narcissistic abuse, and that means avoiding recreating the type of environment which will allow these toxic people to flourish in our lives again.

Believe it or not, this is just one of the many signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse you’ll notice if you’re in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist.

And, in the case of a covert narcissist, you might often find yourself getting the old silent treatment – AKA the discard phase.

So the first thing you have to do is to educate yourself about the situation. I always say that knowledge is power, and the first fact you need to know about this issue is exactly why narcissists give you the silent treatment in the first place.

Related: Inside the Devalue and Discard Phase

It’s critical to recognize that while many people have times when they need to retreat to think about things, someone who cares about you will never use this abusive tactic to punish you.

The silent treatment isn’t a tactic that a healthy person would use to manipulate you.

Normal (as in non-narcissist) people don’t punish someone they love for THEIR bad behavior (such as being caught in a lie), but narcissists most definitely will. This should be a red flag for you.

According to Medical News Today, there are three primary reasons people use silent treatment: avoidance, communication, and punishment.

Avoidance as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment

The “avoidance” tactic is less likely to be used by narcissists but more likely to be used by someone who is afraid of conflict.

It’s literally what it sounds like – you’ll find yourself hiding out and avoiding calls and contact with someone who is likely to confront or attack you – think of it as an attempt to steer clear of drama in a high-tension situation.

In avoidance, the person using the silent treatment would be most likely to be codependent (or the victim of a malignant narcissist).

Communication as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment

There are some times when people try to use the silent treatment as a form of communication. In other words, to get their point across, they are manipulating someone and attempting to communicate that they’re feeling upset or bothered by that person’s behavior.

A person may use the silent treatment if they do not know how to express their feelings but want their partner to see that they’re angry or upset. Many narcissists use this kind of silent treatment, but it’s not only a narcissistic behavior.

Punishment as a Catalyst for Silent Treatment

When someone uses silent treatment as a way to take control of you or to punish you, you’re dealing with emotional and psychological abuse.

The “punishment” tactic is probably the narcissist’s favorite way to engage in silent treatment.

Unfortunately, narcissists also often use this type of silent treatment as part of an attempt to gaslight you.

‘Cold’ and ‘Milder’ Forms of Silent Treatment – Hostile Withholding

There are other forms of silent treatment, of course. For example, according to Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., sometimes people will not cut off communication completely, but they’ll change the way they’re interacting.

“Some abusers engage in what may appear to be a “milder” form of the silent treatment, in which they do not maintain total silence but still cut off their partners emotionally,” Aronson writes in a Psychology Today article.

“When angered by their partner, some people turn a little cold,” she says. “They may be ‘correct’ in their responses, not outwardly mean, but still treat their partner like someone they barely know, or like a neighbor or colleagues at work. This is crazy-making because when confronted, the person acting cold will deny it.”

In general, the silent treatment can be intentional or accidental. However, sometimes it is used as a form of social control. At other times, it may indicate that the person has no respect for your value as a person and regards you as less than human.

Regardless of its intent, using silent treatment toward others can have devastating consequences.

And when it comes to narcissists using this tactic – it is always about manipulation and/or punishment. So let’s discuss why narcissists are so prone to using silent treatment as a way to manipulate and punish you.

See, whether they recognize it consciously or not, narcissists are wired to sort of “push your buttons” to get what they want.

Now, you might wonder which button they’re trying to push when they go silent, right? You might be surprised to find out that it’s not about making you crazy from lack of communication or pure boredom – instead, it’s about playing on your own worst fears.

And, I’m betting, one of your worst fears is the fear of being alone in the world with no one to help or support or be there for you. Am I right?

And I’m guessing that if you’re currently involved (or were previously involved) with a narcissist, you’re thinking of all kinds of little things the narcissist did to play on your fears.

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So, by verbally and emotionally “cutting you off,” the narcissist offers you a taste of what life might be without his charming godlike awesome self (did you detect that bit of sarcasm there??).

So, that’s the why – the narcissist ignores and belittles and devalues you because it plays on your fear of being alone. He hopes that in enacting this silent narcissistic rage against you, he will force you into submission and into being the good little narcissistic supply he needs.

The silent treatment works particularly well on sensitive, empathic people (who are often quite attractive to narcissists) because we are wired to respond to and attempt to soothe the emotions of the people around us, especially those we love. Do you feel me?

Okay, so how do you deal with this behavior without completely losing your mind? The good news? You don’t have to take it lying down, and there are ways you can beat the narcissist’s silent treatment.

If you’re staying in the relationship because you have no choice, you can play the game. In order to do this, make sure you take care of yourself and that you don’t allow yourself to become overly isolated.
Keep in mind that one of the narcissist’s playbook moves is to isolate you from others in your life – the silent treatment will make you want to oblige in some cases, and you might even end up isolating yourself.
Find something that you enjoy to engage you, and don’t be afraid to sort of enjoy the break from their drama, if at all possible.

But in the end, the best option is to leave, go no contact, and move forward.

With that said, we all know that sometimes it’s easier said than done – and we all have our reasons for the choices we make and for why we “don’t just leave already if it’s so bad.”

So, as always, I want to say that if you are being physically abused, none of the following is relevant, and I want you to get help now – stop reading and start packing, sister.

Make No Mistake: The Silent Treatment IS Abuse

The fact is that the silent treatment is painful, and it makes you miserable. As someone likely codependent, you may feel that you need to fix whatever you did wrong to get the narcissist to be nice to you again.

But the truth is that this is precisely what the narcissist wants – for you to bend over backward trying to appease them. All the while, the narcissist has no intention of allowing that to happen – they will only stop using the silent treatment when it is convenient for them, or they want or need something from you.

If you work on your self-esteem, and you learn how to set proper boundaries, and you recognize that you are worthy of love and respect – you’re already on your way to learning how to disarm the narcissist‘s silent treatment.

You don’t just have to accept it and carry around this false hope that the narcissist will change one day. (Chances are, they won’t.)

How to Disarm the Narcissist Who is Using Silent Treatment

Picture this. You’re getting the silent treatment again, a painful part of the discard phase that everyone who’s ever been in a narcissist’s cycle of abuse can recall.

Maybe you’ve been accused of being selfish or of ignoring the narcissist’s emotional or physical needs, of being dishonest, arrogant, lazy, or any number of other insulting descriptives.

(But, for the record, what’s happening most of the time is projection—narcissists project their inadequacies onto their victims. So, as usual, it’s all about the narcissist, not about you.)

Assuming you’re going to play the game, this is what you do to cope with the silent treatment.

The next time you’re confronted with the icy, hateful silent treatment for yet another perceived infraction, please come back here and reread this article. And I want you to remember that this is a game of control – the narcissist believes he can control you with his lack of communication and concern.

Refuse to Respond

The only way to take back the power here is to refuse to respond. So, don’t give them the reaction they’re seeking or the narcissistic supply you usually would under these circmstances.

Instead, you go on about your life as though they aren’t there, or you do whatever you’d typically do, and you blatantly ignore his behavior, no matter how much narcissistic rage they spew your way.

Literally, act as though it is not happening and keep going. Your lack of response will bore them and they’ll look for another way to get to you. (This is why it’s important to ONLY use this practice on a narcissist who is not going to physically abuse you).

Avoid These Behaviors

If you’re going to make this work and seem convincing enough that they’ll stop using the silent treatment on you, there are some behaviors you’ll need to avoid. That means:

Do not send texts trying to reason with them.
Do not post whiney crap on your Facebook page for all to see.
Do not allow him to know that he is affecting you in any way at all.
Do not give him what he wants when he behaves this way.

When the narcissist realizes they’re not breaking your heart, they’ll try something new. And while this will not solve your narcissist problem, it will stop them from enacting the silent treatment for long.

One last tip: when the narcissist decides the silent treatment is over, and they need your narcissistic supply again, they will do anything in their power to “suck you back in,” a move we call “the hoover maneuver.”

Don’t fall for it – it’s not going to get better, and they’re not really planning to change. In fact, the moment you relent and allow the narcissist back into your heart and life – they’ll go right back to the same old behavior.

Have you ever had to deal with the narcissist’s silent treatment? What did you do to cope?

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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Get a therapist who will work with you online. Check out our guide to finding a therapist or psychologist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

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Author

Angela Atkinson
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own. Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.
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Narcissism is not always a problem.

Why it's time to stop demonizing narcissists

Each of us has narcissistic traits. They help some to maintain balance in difficult times, others make them endlessly ashamed of themselves. In the book "Complex feelings. Phrasebook of a new reality ”(edited by Polina Aronson), psychologist Yulia Pirumova tells how healthy narcissism differs from pathological narcissism and how to accept your imperfection.

One day all the good people got together and found out who is the worst in the world. It turned out that narcissists are to blame for all the troubles of the world in general and human relations in particular. And a few more abusers. But it is not exactly.

After that, we were delighted and began to call failed husbands, bad lovers, harmful mothers-in-law and other parents narcissists, who could not be avenged in any other way. We diagnosed the symptoms of narcissism in people who were unsuitable for us - claims to be unique, lack of empathy, selfishness - and calmed down. It was intelligent to say to myself: "I'm good, it's just that you're a narcissist." Even if only inside our psyche, but justice was restored for a short time.

Yes. Narcissism has become popular and demonized. From the many books that have been published recently, everyone has learned to recognize "10 signs of a narcissist" and found out "how to neutralize it", and groups are proliferating on the Internet where victims of perverse, of course, narcissists unite and complain to each other about a hard life. At the same time, they often describe ordinary human relationships in which people do not know how to negotiate, see and hear each other. But in groups of "narcissist-haters" for some reason this is called "constantly devalued", "ignored my needs", "exploited and used". As a practicing psychologist, I see the need not at all to defame narcissists, but, on the contrary, to rehabilitate both narcissism in general and narcissists in particular.

Let's start with the fact that healthy narcissism, which consists in a good feeling and understanding of oneself, one's possibilities and limitations, is one of the most beautiful and desirable human states. But now many of us are so out of tune that we sincerely think that if we are not successful, then something is wrong with us. We stop comparing ourselves with ourselves in the past, being proud of our movement and development. We lose touch with who we really are. We stop noticing what we like or dislike.

Instead, we look around for ideal reference points, try to stretch ourselves onto artificial images, do what we think successful people should do, and endlessly compare ourselves to everyone who is even a little better at something. “Cloaked in an artfully constructed illusion of limitless possibilities, we all, at least until the onset of a mid-life crisis, adhere to the belief that our existence is an endlessly ascending spiral of achievements depending only on our will,” psychotherapy genius Irvin Yalom once noted.

Yalom very subtly noticed a metaphor: life as an endlessly ascending spiral of development. But this spiral has become no longer just the trajectory of a single life, but a widespread narcissistic trend.

Development begins already in the womb by listening to Schubert and Mozart. At six months, a child is taught a second language. In a year - the ability to distinguish the same Schubert from Bach. And at the age of two, the child is obliged to put on skits in the same two languages and show them to all the friends so that parents are not ashamed of their child's aimless years.

Each subsequent life step and choice should be more successful and successful than the previous ones in terms of results. And the ability to manage oneself, control oneself and be independent of reality should be increased in ascending order. The narcissistic ideal is the ability to ideally live your life, using every opportunity to become better, more successful and more effective.

We become too vulnerable in that part of ourselves that is responsible for good self-esteem

And against this background, almost all of us acquire an obsession with becoming better than the previous version of ourselves. To become so grandiose that no comparisons with others can hurt us anymore.

However, often the narcissist lives not at all with a sense of his grandiosity, but, on the contrary, with the pain of his own insignificance. But what exactly hurts the narcissist? Feeling of self-worth and self-respect. Our narcissistic core is a processor with a powerful program that is responsible for our perception of ourselves and an adequate understanding of our capabilities and limitations.

People with disabilities in this area live in a constant sense of their own inferiority and insignificance in comparison with the ideal image that cannot be achieved in any way. That's why he's perfect. Depending on the severity of the injury to narcissism, our defenses will work differently. At the pole of pathological narcissism (that is, when we are no longer talking about individual features of the psyche, but about a full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder), the defenses against the feeling of one's own insignificance are so powerful that everyone from afar will see how grandiose a person is in front of them.

The narcissist becomes obsessed with his own grandiosity. He is convinced of his uniqueness and even chosenness in comparison with ordinary people. But no reality can confirm all this, and when faced with his inability to influence the world, a person experiences a mixture of shame and rage. On this fuel, he again and again attacks the environment in an attempt to prove his omnipotence. All this is accompanied by the exploitation of others, ignoring their feelings and experiences on the way to achieving one's grandiosity. Strictly speaking, it is these people that are usually called "narcissists" in the clinical sense of the word. But the good news is that there are very few of them on the planet - no more than 5%.

In contrast, a person with healthy narcissism might describe himself as follows: “Inside me, I consistently feel that I am good. Everything is fine with me, even if I can’t cope situationally, I don’t achieve goals, or I can’t build relationships. It hurts me when interesting people don’t choose me, but I don’t collapse anymore, thinking that I am a nonentity. I feel capable of being equal in relationships, and I am not at all interested in entering them from above or below. I agree to my own place in relations with people, and for this I do not need to be either grandiose or special. Fantasies about the "ideal version of me" no longer spur. I’m more and more interested in getting to know the real me, rather than trying to fit in with the phantom.”

In the middle of this "narcissistic scale" most of us live: our psyche is not completely destroyed, but not so healthy that narcissistic fantasies do not cause us anxiety and discomfort at all. Yes, perhaps we are not all the time raving about grandiosity and even rarely fall into a rage that the world and the people around us do not give us the recognition we deserve. We do not fantasize about our greatness and that we should be great everywhere and always. Everything is exactly the opposite:

We shrink from prying eyes, fearing that the shameful truth about our inferiority will suddenly be revealed to people.
We want to do everything to the highest standard, but we cannot take a single step, fearing that failure will bring down our self-esteem, which we work so hard to collect piece by piece every time.
We want to be with people, but we stand on the sidelines, feeling ourselves unworthy with every cell of the body.
We look at people arrogantly, in fact, protecting ourselves from the disgust that we are afraid to read in other people's eyes.
We attack ourselves for any faults that we can find in our actions and even thoughts.
We treat ourselves without pity and mercy, because we are afraid to relax and become a "rag".
We try to be "normal" and pretend we don't need anyone.
We are focused on maintaining our self-esteem with any effort, but we are not good at it. It is easily destroyed by the slightest failure or the feeling that we do not fit in something.

Most people recognize themselves in this description. I call this state narcissistic fragility or narcissistic vulnerability. There is still a very good word in the scientific literature - "deficiency". And we who experience this kind of narcissistic neurosis often feel exactly that: a pervasive and constant lack of self. We always lack fullness, confidence, success, achievement, attention, praise, recognition, and so on. And I must say that it is exhausting to exist in this state.

There is no way we can appropriate a fixed idea of ourselves. As if there is simply no place inside where this “good me” lives. We are exhausted by the desire not to feel our scarcity, but nothing works out for us. We run after achievements, but they seep somewhere past, as if there are solid holes where self-esteem should be.

This is the essence of the narcissistic neurosis. The feeling of our own inferiority causes great anxiety and shame, and we endlessly try to cover, shut up, fill, saturate, etc. Anything is suitable for this: work, education, relationships, food, chemicals and any other "compensation" or "distractions".

In order to calm the anxiety of one's own insufficiency, a person tries to satiate himself with things that he doesn't really need. He is sure that as soon as he believes in his successes and appropriates victories, he will automatically begin to appreciate and respect himself. But we are doomed to experience disappointment in this idea. She does not work! No matter how much we invest in success, no matter how much recognition we receive, it does not feed self-esteem so that we become good for ourselves.

Narcissistic praise and approval from the outside are like fast carbohydrates

Short-term pleasure, sometimes severe withdrawal and even addiction, like sweets. No matter how hard you try to accustom yourself, you won't be able to get enough

Friendship with your own inner world and the ability to be yourself in relations with others will allow you to experience true satiety. Then the scale of achievement and success will become just one of the factors of life, far from determining and not intended to support the whole structure.

The task of finding other scales of life (interest, comfort, pleasure, happiness, self-expression, etc.) is an attempt to create your own balanced menu, refusing to eat only carbohydrates and recognizing their insidiousness.

Success, fame, achievements, victories in themselves mean little if there is no one with whom to experience the feelings caused by them. If the waves of one soul do not knock on the shore of another, and then do not mix in one current. If they don’t bubbling or whispering about something, and then they don’t run about their business in order to bring something of their own someday ...

And here we slightly grope for what is on the saving shore, where we can take a break from the exhaustion caused by our narcissism. From fantasies that we can be accepted by people if we are only perfect, we descend to ordinary people. And we find ourselves just one of them - those whose dignity and value are not in sterile perfection and infallibility, but in all the diversity that each person possesses.

This is where a completely feasible (unlike achieving the ideal) task arises: to study ourselves well enough so that our features feed the very narcissistic emptiness that we unsuccessfully try to fill with things that are not suitable for this.

And when we have "mastered" and studied ourselves well enough, there is no longer any need to run after external evaluation and praise, nor to attack anyone - including narcissists. We begin to perceive the world in many shades, where the features of each of us have a place.

An affectionate and gentle animal. Why are narcissists dangerous - and why, perhaps, this text is about you

Have you heard anything about people with narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic trauma? Did you know that there are especially many of them in the post-Soviet space? Maybe it's all about you. How to recognize a narcissist on a first date so as not to get into a toxic relationship? Can such people experience love and empathy? How do their injuries affect their intimate life? Doctor, candidate of medical sciences, psychologist Alina Volchenko told KYKY about this. She herself suffered from narcissistic trauma, went through long-term psychotherapy - and now she helps people with the same problems. The interview was made possible with the support of the White Coats. News".

For starters - information:

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is included in the international classification of mental disorders DSM-V. This behavior is characterized by moral violence and abuse. For a healthy person, a relationship with a narcissist can lead to sad consequences: deep depression and even suicide. Many psychotherapists agree that NPD cannot be cured, but narcissistic trauma can. Unlike real narcissistic personalities, narcissistically injured people retain sufficient levels of reflection to be able to recognize their own envy, shame, and guilt.

Am I big or small?

KYKY: Who are narcissists and abusers? And why are relationships with such people dangerous?

Alina Volchenko (AV): Narcissists and abusers are individuals who form traumatic relationships, but there is a difference between them: narcissists are not so bad after all. There is a joke that all the most beautiful things in the world were invented by daffodils - they have a desire for aesthetics and beauty. And everyone has a narcissistic part too - it's about ambition, achievement, success, beauty. But if it is leading, a person can become toxic and abusive: he will not respect the boundaries, he will disrespect his partner, not notice him. There may also be a large component of violence: sexual, psychological, physical, economic. Narcissists, by virtue of their personality structure, tend to destroy everything that is good in a relationship. In this way, they want to relieve the pain due to their own imperfection.

KYKY: So narcissists are good, despite the fact that they hurt their partners through manipulation and violence?

A.V.: Narcissists are people, and people are all good. In fact, I love daffodils, I study them. I myself am a person with a narcissistic injury, so I can defend and whitewash this term. A relationship with a toxic narcissist brings a lot of pain because the partner is perceived as a function. But not because the narcissist is bad, but because he cannot build relationships differently.

KYKY: So are narcissists born or made?

A.V.: Narcissists are born in early childhood. Babies have not yet formed the understanding that their feelings, experiences and emotions are important and worthy of respect, whatever they may be. And when parents ignore the emotions and needs of the child, he begins to adapt and does everything possible to make mom happy no matter what happens. This is the life-saving behavior of a child, because he is dependent on adults. And it is this aspect that forms the narcissistic personality. It is also characteristic of narcissists to swing from grandiosity to insignificance. In a state of insignificance, they can be a victim, and the most sacrificial victim in the world. In a state of grandiosity, the opposite is true: I am great and omnipotent, and everything I do is absolutely beautiful. The narcissistic personality is characterized by a lack or absence of empathy, the ability to sincerely empathize and sympathize.

KYKY: There is a theory that narcissists are not made, but born. Like, in such people the limbic system is affected. Therefore, they are unable to love and empathize, but can only imitate emotions. What do you think of it?

A.V.: I haven't heard about this theory, but it got me interested. Perhaps there is some truth in this. But I don't think that all people with narcissistic personality disorder have a physiological aspect. It seems to me that in most cases it is a matter of parent-child contact.

KYKY: Can you call yourself a sensitive and emotional person?

A.V.: Of course.

KYKY: So narcissists can be sensitive and empathic?

AV: I can work as a psychologist thanks to the sensitivity developed in childhood for survival. Even then, I learned to capture people's feelings and determine what behavior for adults would be desirable and would cause approval. But to understand how I behave in relationships, build contact and who I really am, it turned out only through psychotherapy. Now it's my bonus and experience to accept people with a narcissistic personality structure. They say that the best narcologists are former alcoholics, as they themselves have gone through this experience and can understand addicted people. So it is with my story of narcissistic trauma.

KYKY: So you're helping narcissists, not victims?

AV: A person gets a narcissistic injury when their emotions and needs were not respected. And he was forced to adapt creatively: to be who they wanted him to be. As a result, he loses himself - he does not know his desires, needs, emotions. He saw himself as just a function for his parents - there is even such a term as "narcissistic extension". And in the future, such a child will build relationships the way he learned. Swinging from grandiosity to insignificance. And it exhausts not only the victims, but also the narcissists.

Although narcissists tend not to go to psychologists, they are "beautiful enough, and all around are idiots." The exception is depression due to the constant pursuit of greatness. Although, more often, domestic narcissists suffer from depression and psychosomatic disorders, which initiate an appeal to a psychotherapist. I work both with people who are in such relationships, and with narcissists in the phase of insignificance and depression. This is a very deep state in which there is a lot of pain, rejection. It seems to a person that no one can suffer so much - he is unique in his suffering, its forms and the strength of despair. And this is also narcissism.

KYKY: How did you know you had a narcissistic injury? Why did you decide to work in this area of psychology?

A. V.: I have always had a good feeling for people, so I went into psychology. Here I can apply this quality to the fullest, realize myself in the profession and save the world. How did the realization come? There was no specific situation. Probably, while studying, I learned about different personality structures, and the narcissistic lay on me the most. Then I was inspired by the history of people with similar life experiences, and I wanted to know more about how daffodils work. And to heal herself, and to understand her personality organization.

KYKY: But do you consider yourself a lucky person?

A.V.: Yes.

When to say "stop" and leave?

KYKY: If the formation of a narcissistic personality occurs in childhood, then in the post-Soviet space the majority of the population must be narcissists. We have many single-parent and dysfunctional families, and even in prosperous ones - it is not a fact that there is close contact with the child.

A.V.: So it is. There are many people in the post-Soviet space with such a disorder, because many had traumatized parents, and even more traumatized grandparents. Some survived the war, the second - 90th. And they had no time for feelings - they had to survive. Therefore, often they do not have experience, awareness that feelings are important and necessary. How does it usually happen in our families? No one listens to the child and his “I want”: close your mouth and eat; I don't have money for this - no noah; study - there will be happiness. Meet my expectations. Or, for example, constant comparison with others. When there is no respect for the personality of the infant at an early age, this is the core of the formation of narcissistic trauma.

KYKY: But if we are all deeply ill and unable to build healthy relationships, then we will continue to raise narcissists. And they will raise others like themselves. Vicious circle.

А. В.: If you do not pay attention to your inner world, then yes. But now a generation is being brought up for which experiences and the inner world are becoming an important aspect. The attitude towards psychological services and psychology in general is changing. And the toxic narcissist, by asking for help, can discover himself: his true self, who he is, what he wants, and so on. This is a long process, but it is an opportunity to improve the quality of life and learn how to build harmonious relationships in which it will be safe.

KYKY: But you must admit that in the CIS countries people are not particularly willing to go to a psychologist or psychotherapist. Many people think that problems will be solved by themselves - you just need to be patient. So they endure domestic violence for years. Or is it possible to get out of such a relationship on your own?

A.V.: It's hard to do it on your own. People are social beings. And the narcissistic type "shoots" precisely when building relationships. Without a partner it is difficult to understand what we really are. Through the approval or disapproval of significant adults, an image of the Self looms, which can be very different from the real one. And not all people will have the narcissistic part leading. There are neurotics and schizoids. For example, for some, relationships and affection are important, for others, security and meaning. But according to the dynamic concept of personality, each of us has all these parts. Any of them can become dominant. This mechanism allows us to quickly adapt to any circumstances.

KYKY: If we're talking about a codependent story, can a narcissist run around the Karpman triangle of tyrant-victim-rescuer? Or does it always stay in the same position?

A.V.: Narcissists can run on it just like other people. But abusers, as a rule, do not cross the triangle and take a permanent position as a rapist. Abusers can be called the extreme degree of toxic narcissism. It can also be people with mental pathology or a tendency to borderline behavior.

KYKY: Can an abuser be corrected? And at what point should you say “stop” and leave the relationship?

A.V.: If it's a toxic daffodil, it's hard to fix. And if you no longer have the strength to endure, and the partner does not hear and is not ready to start a dialogue, leave. In abusive relationships, control is often present and boundaries are violated.

The victim is cut off the escape route, including financially. As a rule, women do not work in the role of a victim; it is difficult for them to find points of self-respect and support in order to leave or confront a partner.

But you will have to confront the narcissist in order to convince him to go to psychotherapy. Only in this way can a toxic narcissist learn to recognize their emotions and build relationships with themselves and others. Otherwise, it is impossible to build a trusting and secure contact.

KYKY: But the victim always loves his tormentor and is unable to give up such a relationship on his own. And then we hear horror stories about how these women are killed or their hands are cut off because of jealousy. That's what's scary. And how to get through to this woman so that she leaves in time?

A.V.: If she chooses the position of the victim, no way. If she is looking for ways to end the relationship or build contact in a different way, this is possible.

A partner in relationships and sex is just a function

KYKY: How to understand on the first or second date that you are facing an abuser or a narcissist?

A.V.: I would focus on whether I feel comfortable on this date? Can I speak openly about my experiences, feelings, desires? Do they hear me? Do I feel safe? Otherwise, why waste time and money on a second meeting?

KYKY: But narcissists do know how to listen, because they are skilled manipulators. First they collect information, and then use it against the victim.

А.В.: Due to the fact that in early childhood narcissists had to catch the mood of their parents even by the sound of the door opening, they are able to dramatically change color and become what you want them to be. They really know how to listen and guess the mood of a partner. Narcissists are charming, charming, they can beautifully look after, but they do it not for you, but for themselves. They want to receive compliments, to be admired: “How cool you are! What is your car!" But at first, a narcissist can be calculated only by a functional attitude towards a partner.

KYKY: The function is to wash, cook, have sex? What does "functionally" mean? After all, a person is not a thing.

А.В.: I don't see you, I don't hear you - today you are playing the role of my reflection. I gave you an expensive necklace, not because I love you, but to show how cool I am.

KYKY: Pont cutters?

A.V.: Including. And according to these feelings, when you are not in a relationship, you can suspect that something is wrong here. The narcissist will also systematically overstep boundaries and downplay your feelings. Idealize and devalue.

KYKY: If narcissists have such a specific attitude towards personality, perhaps their sex is specific: with perversions, adrenaline and boundary violations?

А.В.: Sex with a narcissist can be wonderful, because they strive for the ideal in everything. And they are very worried when this ideal is unattainable.

KYKY: What kind of ideal can there be in sex?

А.В.: Ideal sex doesn't exist, but when it's alive and emotional, it's good. When there are feelings and a desire to build a bodily dialogue with a partner, this is wonderful. And narcissists have a fear of intimacy and their own imperfection. Therefore, sex is rather technical to impress, but without an emotional-bodily dialogue.

Narcissus will try not for a partner, but for himself - I am good and I was able to do something incredible. The fear of appearing imperfect and the desire for control often lead to BDSM practices that make it possible to experience deep feelings and stop the action at any time.

KYKY: Can a narcissist be trusted in BDSM practices, because if such a person easily breaks psychological boundaries, is there a guarantee that a safe word will stop him? And then again stories about crippled women.

A.V.: Partners usually agree on a stop word, as well as a possible scenario, before any action. Everything must be done by mutual agreement. Otherwise, it's violence. BDSM practices allow you to immerse yourself in psychological traumas and work through them. Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we always want to get out of a traumatic event. For example, if there was violence in childhood, people will more often enter into traumatic relationships, and in BDSM practices they will allow themselves to do more. Such people unconsciously seek to survive the trauma, so they resort to BDSM, where one wants to gain power, and the second wants to work through the trauma.

Narcissists need reflection

KYKY: How does the idealization to devaluation mechanism work for narcissists? What is going on in their mind at that moment?

A.V.: For narcissists, everything should be special, exclusive, status - they need the best. And when they don't get it, they feel jealous. If it cannot be processed into a constructive action, it develops into hatred and a desire to destroy everything good that a partner has. Whether it's a project, self-esteem, a desire for security, or something else. For example, if a partner has a great body, and the narcissist is too lazy to go to the gym and work on himself - well, you understand. Although, as a rule, daffodils have beautiful bodies. But when they see something beautiful, they often fail to enjoy it and create something of their own and unique. Therefore, they follow the path of least resistance and destroy. First idealized, then devalued.

For the narcissist's partner, this relationship is always exhausting. A sense of guilt and the attitude “I am the most terrible creature on the planet” are formed. To survive in such a relationship, it is important to shift the focus from “I feel bad” to a partner. Realize that everything is fine with you, and the narcissist, due to his traumatic experience, feels bad not only with you, but with everyone. The second step is to go to a psychologist or psychotherapist together. You will be able to restore self-esteem and self-respect, and the narcissist will "heal" through a healthier partner. If he understands that he does not need to achieve anything in order to be loved, this is the beginning of changes. Although often narcissists do not admit their disorder.

KYKY: Interesting story. The narcissist does not want to admit that he is a narcissist, so his partner must bring him to therapy. That is, the victim must "treat" and come to a resourceful state in order to feed the narcissist again, while he is aware of himself.

AV: Victims need to go to therapy to regain their self-esteem and find a way out of toxic relationships. Or learn to build a dialogue if the relationship can be saved. But this path begins with the realization: this is not possible with me. And this “you can’t do this with me” causes great anxiety in the abuser or toxic narcissist - his picture of the world and relationships is destroyed. In this case, he may begin to nightmare the victim even more, setting his own rules in order to return the usual order of things. And if the situation does not change and there is no dialogue, you need to leave the relationship. If a dialogue is still possible, it is worth building it, relying on the support of friends, relatives and psychologists. The psychologist in this case acts as a neutral party, not interested in any of the participants in the relationship.

KYKY: Is it true that a narcissist cannot be alone? Does he always need a partner to serve as reflection and food?

A.V.: This is the truth and the deep pain of the narcissist. They don't know who they really are - as a child they were not allowed to express their emotions, so they cannot rely on their feelings in adulthood. And if, in addition to this, a model of behavior from parents is also added - be smarter, stronger and more beautiful - in their partner or another person they are constantly trying to consider themselves. But only in order to understand what they really are.

KYKY: Are female and male narcissists different, or is the psychological aspect the same?

A.V.: Yes and no. The mechanism is the same for everyone, but we live it differently. Men and women have different sensitivities, pain receptors and olfactory receptors are arranged differently. And all this leaves its mark on emotionality. Women, for example, have a higher pain threshold. We cry more and through tears we are better able to cope with emotions.

KYKY: What general advice can you give to people who are in traumatic relationships today?

A.V.: There is only one recommendation - study your feelings, emotions, needs and go to long-term psychotherapy. This is the place where you will be heard and taught to build warm trusting contacts with others. In the meantime, you are just thinking about going to a psychologist, do a simple exercise every day: focus on your condition, feelings, desires. Better yet, do this several times a day - you can even set alarms. After each beep, try to immerse yourself in yourself. Feel your feet touching the floor, your clothes touching your skin, and the air passing through your nostrils. What do you feel in the moment? Are you cold? Warm? What do you want here and now? The exercise develops body awareness and emotional intelligence, which are necessary for building sustainable relationships.