How do you know when someone is the one
Is He Or She The One? 7 Signs That This Person Could Be The Love Of Your Life
Dating
By Jamie Kravitz
Stocksy/Luke Liable
When questioning whether someone is "the one," it's important to recognize that you can absolutely have more than one love of your life. You might have more than a few great loves over the course of your lifetime. You can even fall in love with the same person more than once. This doesn't make the love any less special; it just means that as you mature, your priorities in life tend to change. So if you're asking yourself if he or she is the one, try not to place too much weight on the word "one."
"There is no 'one' person, but more a 'perfect' type," Lesli Doares, couples consultant and marriage coach at Foundations Coaching tells Elite Daily. "This type can change over the course of your life because we don't stay the same over the years. Different attributes might be important at different times of our lives.
'The one' embodies as many of those attributes at one time as possible — no one will meet them all."
When someone is "the one," you are attracted to them mentally, physically, and emotionally. There are a number of other signs that might indicate whether or not the person you're dating is "the one" for you. I spoke to three experts on love and lasting relationships about how to tell if the one you're with could be the love of your life. Here's what they had to say.
01
Their imperfections are not deal breakers.
Stocksy/Lucas OttoneThe real challenge is knowing how to distinguish between being "in love" with someone and truly recognizing that they are "the one." This has to do with biology. Falling in love is a neurological state that helps you to get closer to a person by losing some of your natural fears and defenses, according to Dawn Maslar, MS, an expert in the science of love and author of Men Chase, Women Choose: The Neuroscience of Meeting, Dating, Losing Your Mind, and Finding True Love.
"You can tell you are falling in love when your serotonin level starts dropping. You become obsessed with the other person. You might not be able to eat or sleep, you just keep thinking about them," says Maslar. "Falling in love is a temporary state that changes your brain. You actually lose cognitive ability. So, some suggest that you should date for two years before you decide that they are the one."
Being in love can keep you from seeing any flaws in your partner. You believe everything about them is perfect. "This is why many people make poor long-term relationship choices," says Doares. "If you have found 'the one,' you are aware they aren't perfect, but their imperfections are not deal breakers."
02
They are committed to working at the relationship.
Stocksy/Guille Faingold"'The one' encompasses a variety of characteristics such as compatibility, chemistry, deep love, admiration, respect, fun, and humor," says Dr. Rebekah Montgomery, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships and helping couples prepare for marriage.
"However, I think the most important quality in 'the one' is the commitment to work at it. All of the aforementioned qualities might exist when you are dating, but how do you continue to foster them years in? Finding someone who wants that and wants to work at it with you is key."
03
They bring out the best version of you (and vice versa).
Stocksy/Luke Liable"A meaningful marker of a relationship's health is observing what it brings out in you and in your life," says Dr. Montgomery. "When we are in healthy relationships, we are often happier and healthier." If other areas of your life are flourishing, it may be a result of your relationship.
Pay attention to how you are doing at work and in your relationships with friends and family. When your romantic relationship is solid, you can feel confident exploring other aspects of your life. If your partner believes in your ability to accomplish your goals and expresses their support, you are more likely to achieve great things.
"Healthy relationships have that nice balance of making us feel accepted and challenging us to grow," adds Dr. Montgomery.
04
You've faced challenges together, and your relationship is stronger as a result.
Stocksy/Andrey PavlovAs far as the question of how long you should date before determining someone is the one, Dr. Montgomery says it's less about a number of months or years, and more about the experiences you share.
"Relationships are often easy and fun in the beginning. You want to navigate challenges together and know you can come out on the other side stronger," she says. "You want to know you can be vulnerable and share the deep, scary stuff with your partner and feel closer after. Those things take time, but are more important than [the actual amount of] time."
05
Your values, goals, and "must-haves" align.
Stocksy/Evgenij Yulkin"'The one' has all of the attributes you require in a partner and none of the 'deal breakers,'" says Doares.
These attributes might include traits like intelligence, a sense of humor, attractiveness, ambition, or liking the outdoors. Deal breakers may include being physically or emotionally abusive, being condescending, selfish, disrespectful, dishonest, and so on, says Doares.
The "in love" effect can last anywhere up to 36 months, according to Doares. She explains that while you don't have to wait all this time to figure out if someone is "the one," you do have to be honest about any contrary feelings or behaviors that arise. "If you can't resolve these in a way that aligns with who you are, this isn't 'the one,'" she says.
06
You feel safe being your authentic self around them.
Stocksy/Thais Ramos Varela"'The one' makes you feel loved and secure. You are able to be yourself and feel accepted. They make you want to be your best self and they bring that out in you," says Doares. "You don't feel scared of their reaction if you want to tell them something that may be hard, either to say or for them to hear.
There is balance in how you interact."
When someone is truly "the one," they will make time to be with you, listen to you (even if they don’t agree), and support you. "There will be a feeling of comfort, like you fit together. You can be yourself without fear of rejection or criticism," says Doares. "No aspect of their life will be separate from you. That doesn't mean you are always together, but just that there are no secrets."
She also stresses the importance of compromise. Whether you're doing what you want or what they want, both are done with an open heart and a loving spirit. She says that if someone is "the one," they should make you feel like a priority. They will include you in their thinking and consider you when making decisions.
07
It just feels right.
Stocksy/Boris JovanovicSometimes, though, the only evidence you really need to know someone is "the one" is a feeling in your gut telling you just that. "Knowing if someone is the one is often about learning to hear your own inner voice and trusting your judgment," says Dr.
Montgomery. "We know when something feels healthy and right."
Trust your instincts, and pay attention to how this person makes you feel. If you feel happy and healthy, you probably are. And if you enjoy spending time with this person, you know that you can be completely yourself around them, and your shared communication and problem-solving skills are strong, then they might just be "the one" for you.
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How Can You Tell If Someone Is "The One"? 11 Signs Your Partner Is A Match For The Long Haul
How can you tell if your partner is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, if you're into that kind of thing? Or, to rephrase, how do you know if someone is "The One"? Not everyone is crazy about that term — some argue that relationships should be more fluid, and that we might have multiple "Ones" in our lifetime.
"As a relationship counselor, I’m one who does not believe in 'The One,'” marriage counselor Jessica Wade tells Bustle. "Many partners can be compatible options, and I think any couple willing to mutually put in the work to keep it healthy for both partners can have an amazingly enjoyable relationship."
Dawn Maslar, aka “the Love Biologist,” also isn't a fan of the phrase. "We're living much longer lives and we grow and change,"she tells Bustle. "'The One' in our twenties may not be 'The One' in our sixties," she says. "If you believe you found 'The One' and it doesn't work out, don't worry, you'll find 'another One.'" Phew! That is a great outlook, and helpful to anyone who has had or will someday have that experience.
But our purposes herein, let's say "The One" refers to a partner with whom you want to be for the long haul. And, it should be added, that person feels the same way about you. I asked some illustrious love and relationship experts how exactly they would advise you to discern whether or not you've found "The One" at last, and their answers struck me as being truly beautiful and poignant.
In short, you know when you know, but there are tons of little things you can tune into if you're in a place where you'd like to ascertain whether you want to continue to move forward with this person, and whether you really think there is a future for you and your boo. Here are 11 ways to figure out if your partner is "The One" or not.
1. You Like The Person You Are When Your Partner Is Near
"It's really not about them, as it is about you," life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "It's all about what kind of person you are, become, and feel like when you're in their presence." How do you feel when they're near? Does your anxiety go up, or down? "Love can sometimes bring out our insecurities, and while it might feel good in the moment, it's not a good long term setup," Rogers says. "Love should bring forth confidence and security."
Pay attention to how you feel, and "when you're wondering about whether they are "The One," ask yourself instead, 'Am I the version of myself I want to be for the rest of my life right now?' That's the best way to tell," she says.
So smart!
2. You Can Live With The 3 Things About Your Partner That Bother You The Most
"Everyone has an inner voice," Boston-based clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner tells Bustle. "Follow it. Pay attention to the immediate feelings you have when you think of the person." Those feelings will lead you to the answer to this question.
"Next, realistically name the three things about the person that bother you, and expect that those will remain." Whoa — mind. blown. This is such a good suggestion! "If the feelings are there and you can live with those three bothersome traits, that is a good sign."
3. You're At Peace With Who They Are
"The person we dedicate energy to is The One for us," zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. Very zen. "If you find that it is easy for you to dedicate energy to their trials and tribulations and can be at peace with them as they are, then you might be with 'The One,' for sure." Just like Wegner, Paiva points out that you have to be able to accept your partner for who they are — with all of their great qualities and everything that you perceive to be bad.
If so, you're certainly in a great partnership.
4. You Know They'll Be There No Matter What
"They listen and support you in a way that no one else can," Danielle Sepulveres, sex educator and author of Losing It: The Semi-Scandalous Story of an Ex-Virgin, tells Bustle. "They provide you with a feeling of love and comfort that feels incomparable to anyone else." If you are going to be with someone long-term, you need them to make you feel safe. And no matter what, she adds, you know they'll be there for you: "They also instill a confidence inside you that no matter what obstacles arise, you’re going to be a team and face it together." Yes, please.
5. You Can Talk About Anything
"I've heard that you just know," Gestalt life coach Nina Rubin tells Bustle. Finding "The One" "means that you're really on the same page and can discuss anything," she says. "You respect and admire each other and want the best for them, as you would yourself." If you can wish for your partner all of the things you want in your own life, you're willing to both give and receive.
"Plus, you're attracted to each other and enjoy each other," she says. Always important!
6. It's Easy
"Your partner feels easy to live with, and thinks you are too," Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. "You feel mutually loving and caring." You're living a simpatico life together. "You can work together to figure out issues and plan for the future," she says. "Things are calm and pleasant between you." If all four of these boxes are checked, you're in the right place at the right time.
7. This Feels Different From Everything That Has Come Before
"There is a genuine difference in how you feel about this person," psychologist Nicole Martinez, who is the author of eight books, including The Reality of Relationships , tells Bustle. "The things that have annoyed you in the past about people [are things] you are willing to overlook with this person, or they do not seem to matter.
" In other words, you don't sweat the small stuff in this relationship.
"Their happiness is your happiness, and you feel very supportive of them accomplishing their goals, and they feel the same in return," she says. "You are comfortable with them in a different way than you have been before, conversation comes easily, and you pretty much always look forward to seeing and talking to them. You have great communication skills, and are able to resolve issues that come up more easily than has been your experience in the past." As Tessina points out, if your relationship feels easier than relationships past, this is a great thing: Easy is good.
8. They're Willing To Put In The Work
"If you meet someone who you’re attracted to, treats you well, is willing to put in work in a relationship, and can respectfully manage the differences between the two of you, they’re a keeper," relationship coach and therapist Anita Chlipala tells Bustle. Rather than basing your thought process as to whether this person is or is not "The One," try to focus on these more practical aspects.
"Too many people base their decision about 'The One' on a feeling, but the problem is that infatuation fades for everyone," she says. Focus on how the relationship is unfolding, and go from there.
9. You Have The Same Core Values
"You could meet someone instantly and know immediately that they are 'The One,' or you may not know until your tenth date," executive editor and founder of Cupid's Pulse Lori Bizzoco tells Bustle. "Love is complicated and there is no right or wrong way to meet your soulmate." But when you know, you know.
"Sometimes it is instantaneous and sometimes they grow on you," she adds. "However, the basic characteristics will include familiarity, being yourself, growing as a person — and you should have the same core values and ethics." If you've found that, congratulations. "If you find someone who meets that criteria and are ready to settle down, you are on the right path to happily ever after," Bizzoco says.
10. You've Been Dating For Long Enough To Know One Way Or Another
"If you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you’ve discussed your future together, and everything seems compatible and happy, and you love this person — they’re 'The One!'" New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle.
"Chemistry is one thing, but compatibility is what makes 'the hot one' [turn into] 'the real thing.'" According to her terms, you really can't know if you're with "The One" until well into the second year together, so don't rush.
"Use time as a tool to figure out if someone is 'The One,' and don’t cheapen those words — "The One” — by using them freely," she advises. "Be deliberate and surefooted with 'The One.'" And once you find them, keep them.
11. You Have Common Ideals — And You Feel Safe
"This might not be a popular answer, but I believe that there is not just one person for you," psi counselor Laurel Clark tells Bustle. "If that were true, people could never have another relationship after a partner dies." That being said, there are some important criteria to consider if you're trying to figure out whether your mate is your life partner. "To determine if someone is a match for a long-term commitment, it is essential to have common ideals," Clark says.
"Although people want a fiery spark, those hot flames burn out after a while, so it's also essential to feel comfortable with your partner, to be friends, to enjoy his or her company.
" If you and your partner have all of these things together, you're in a wonderful groove. "Feeling a sense of security, knowing that you like each other and not being afraid of losing the person are also signs of a healthy potential for long-term commitment," she says. When you find that, you can rest assured that you've found "The One."
Images: Fotolia Giphy (13)
The same Munchausen: how to recognize a pathological liar
Psychologist Victoria Keilin told how to recognize a person who lies to you because they are not able to tell the truth at all.
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I believe there is no person in the world who would never lie in his life.
There are white lies when we cover for a colleague in front of the authorities; the so-called white lie when we tell the baby that he was found in cabbage; and minor lies when we try to slightly embellish our personal lives at a class reunion.
People lie to justify their behavior, to impress, to get attention, and to control others. Whether this is good or bad depends on your personal beliefs. For some, this is categorically unacceptable, while others easily justify such types of deceit as treason, manipulation, and economic crime, replacing them with the concepts of freedom, dexterity, and success.
But there is still one kind of lie that is very hard to put up with, and that is the pathological lie. Such people selflessly lie for any reason, without pursuing any specific goals. They do it so confidently that sometimes they themselves begin to believe in their own fantasies. It would seem that such personalities are indispensable in intelligence, but this is not so.
Pathological liars do not control their behavior and cannot stop in time, often crossing the line of plausibility. And without this, any deception becomes meaningless.
Question one: what is wrong with them?
Here the opinions of experts are divided. Someone defines a pathological liar as a personality type, someone sees this as one of the features of antisocial disorder, and someone tends to blame the structural features of the brain for everything. Psychiatrists tend to consider this phenomenon as a companion of mental illness, and psychologists see the origins in childhood trauma and low self-esteem. Most experts agree on only one thing: a pathological lie is a special mental state that does not change over the years.
Munchausen's syndrome, or mythomania, was first described by French psychologists more than 100 years ago. Studies conducted in the United States in 2005 revealed a structural anomaly and showed that the structure of the brain of pathological liars is different from the brain of a healthy person.
Second question: where does it come from?
If we look for the causes of pathological deceit in childhood, then this condition can be provoked by a lack of love, excessive criticism, violence and humiliation of the dignity of the child. In order to seem better, a small person begins to invent a new personality for himself, which is smarter and more successful than the real one. In order to displace the memory of violence, a person invents a new life for himself. And so on the rise. Gradually, the line between reality and myth is blurred, there is a splitting of consciousness, which can lead to more serious mental disorders. Pathological liars are not always self-serving manipulators, they are often really victims of circumstances who have found no other way to cope with trauma.
Third question: how to recognize?
Pathological lying is a characteristic feature of psychopaths, narcissists and other people with personality disorders.
But whatever the cause of the problem, all pathological liars are characterized by certain behavioral patterns:
- these people lie constantly, over trifles and for no reason;
- their inventions are often so absurd that only the liar himself does not notice the absurdity of his statements;
- in order to maintain interest in their person, these people are ready for anything: nothing is sacred for them, and they will easily “bury” their own mother or child to achieve their goal;
- unlike those who feel remorse, pathological liars do not see anything wrong in their behavior and easily look into the eyes when they lie;
- with age, the pathology only increases, and people simply cannot stop and stop lying;
- pathological liars cannot control fantasies, so the same story will sound different every time - even to the detriment of maintaining the illusion of plausibility;
- the stories told by pathological liars are illogical: the end can easily contradict the beginning;
- any attempts to bring a liar to clean water lead to aggression and gaslighting - you will definitely be accused of all sins, the liar himself never considers himself guilty;
- pathological deceivers with surprising tenacity defend their point of view and defend their chosen position, even when it is obvious that their card is beaten;
- pathological liars have no brakes in the form of morality and conscience - for them all means are good;
- they always adapt to the situation or the person on whom something depends, and are essentially cowardly, albeit quirky.
Fourth question: what to do?
When we are confronted with a blatant lie, we tend to feel anger, resentment, and disappointment. We want to convey to the liar the essence of his behavior, make him admit his mistake and apologize. Forget! It's a waste of time. Such a person cannot be corrected. The best thing to do is to exclude the pathological liar from your social circle.
However, it is important to understand that not every manifestation of lying is a pathology. Do not rush to make a diagnosis and hang labels. Your task is to take care of yourself and your own condition. It is very important for someone who has become a victim of such manipulations to understand that he is not to blame for anything and is not responsible for the actions of another person. In no case should you blame yourself and think that your actions could somehow provoke such behavior of another person. Treat pathological lying like an incurable disease.
Forgive and release the liar. Unlike you, he does not suffer and does not suffer from his condition.
And all issues related to working through injuries, identifying problems, their causes and consequences, are best resolved with the help of therapy under the guidance of a competent specialist.
Russian queer novel in the spirit of Euphoria and Sex Education series
Popcorn Books published The Same One, the debut LGBT novel by Yulia Veresk, previously published in samizdat, about the fateful summer vacation of a boy named Matvey. At our request, Konstantin Kropotkin, the author of the Sodom and Umora telegram channel, tells how the book resembles the best series about the school and why it is unlike any other Russian-language novel.
One chance meeting on a hot summer day forever changes Matvey's ideas about himself, about love and about the world.Read
On Turtle Mountain, in a "house with ghosts" lives Matvey, his older sister Alice and their not very responsible mother.
This family is shunned in the town, everyone talks about it. One day, teenage high school students meet blond Kir and big-eyed Zheka, the same outsiders who also want adventure. Then blood flows, a joint is smoked, suicides and other dead are mentioned.
Already as a start, Julia Veresk’s “The Same One” seems to be an imitation of Andreas Steinhöfel’s novel “In the Center of the Universe”, a new classic of German teenage literature, where twins Phil and Diana and their dissolute mother lived in a remote house, in a semi-fairytale nowhere. The roll call between novels becomes very loud when the boy Matvey tries to understand why he is drawn to Cyrus, and inadvertently enters into rivalry with one of the girls.
Andreas Steinhöfel, from an extraordinary 19Having boldly described queer adolescence in the 90s, he grafted the stem of English-language fantasy to the powerful tree of the German romantic tradition. For the realism of this writer, who follows both E. T. A. Hoffmann and Clive S.
Lewis, the designation "magic" really fits. The 23-year-old philologist Yulia Veresk acts as not so much a breeder as an agricultural engineering student who is trying to grow an imported flower on Russian soil. Its heroes know Bulgakov, but as if he, along with Kerouac, came to them through translations.
“With words, we groped for the boundaries of each other’s personal space, trying to understand what was possible and what was not,” the heroes of Russian novels had never spoken in this way before.
On the other hand, the heroes of the school series Euphoria, Shame or Sex Education can (self-) express themselves so easily. Déjà vu is the most enduring impression of "The Same One", which looks like a fairy tale, the sum of books read and films seen, and Andreas Steinhöfel can be listed as a defendant on the same grounds as, say, the Austrian Jakob Erwa, who made an excellent film based on a German novel. Julia Veresk herself, when asked about literary landmarks, recalls Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who knew how to look at reality through the eyepieces of the miraculous.
The writer is free to take whatever he wants as a starting point. All the same Bulgakov spoke on behalf of Mr. de Molière that he takes his goods where he finds them. In a novel, the main thing is the novel itself, the path to the finale, and not the starting point. In this new journey, Yulia Veresk is still fussy in fine motor skills - already in the first paragraph of the book, an excess of metaphors evokes the feeling that someone has thrown a handful of pebbles into the water; there is a clock, and a contour map, and a train. The author says that the novel was written in one breath, for 79days, which explains a lot.
The plot holds attention at first not without effort - and here the reader's and viewer's memory comes to the rescue, helping to determine the coordinates of the fictitious universe and find a comfortable position in them. And at the same time, remind yourself that the joy of recognition is perhaps the main charm of Western novels for young adults, "young adults.
" In addition, Julia Veresk, who initially published this story on the platform of literary samizdat, knows the value of cliffhangers - almost every chapter ends with a spectacular plot twist that spurs curiosity. Why is Cyrus so attentive to Matthew? Who does Zheka want to kiss? What does Alice think? Is she thinking about anything at all?
“It was like watching the series in my head,” the author says, recalling the process of creating the book. The novel "The One" is really good, if you consider it a story intended for a film adaptation. The plot does not stall, you will not get confused in the faces, and the arch of the main character, which is of the greatest interest, grows confidently. Matvey, on whose behalf the story is being told, turned out to be alive enough to make you want to identify yourself with him - to share his experiences, to understand his fear, his anger, his joy.
"The Same One" is a novel for teenagers, including adults who were once teenagers too and, not without a beating of the heart, are ready to remember their then confusion of feelings.
In Russian circumstances, this is all the more important - the reader, not particularly spoiled by LGBT literature, is still getting used to empathy with queer heroes, and the viewer experience, which is much more diverse, helps him well in this.
After watching enough Western TV series about modern teenagers in love, it's really not that difficult to put yourself in the place of the main character. The gender of the reader, his gender is not so important here - what is needed is the initial interest in stories of growing up, they are love stories.
Yuliya Veresk does not mind being called an LGBT writer, and with this fearlessness she announces herself as a person of the new time, who understands and is close to new literary filters. Coming from samizdat, it can also serve as an illustrative example of a newly constructed writer's destiny, giving both a chance and hope to other nuggets from the Russian-speaking literary underground, who are looking for words for the previously indescribable.
And if Andreas Steinhöfel was catching up with a cold romantic fog, then Julia Veresk writes with a clearly sunny feeling. “The Same One” is a summer romance; his harsh, and at times cruel, circumstances are warmed up by a charming confidence that a happy ending is inevitable, and difficulties can be overcome: a gay boy, of course, will understand who is “the one” in life, and will gladly accept his matured and wiser self. And this is another sign of a new age queer author who does not want to talk about the inevitability of suffering for a gay man, but in a natural, lively and imperfect way, appeals to joyful, exciting complicity.
"This is life," I thought. “Knocking under my fingers.”
Warm breath on my cheek felt like a summer wind breaking into the cold night air. Goosebumps appeared on the skin from the contrast.
"Bye," I whispered, and we pulled away from each other. In the darkness, I saw a sparkle in the eyes.
- Bye.
A second later we were kissing again.
