Hate my wife

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Arguing in a respectful, productive way can be a positive sign, Bobby says, because it means both spouses still care. "When people are voicing resentments, when they're being hostile, when they're communicating—badly, but still communicating—that they have hurt or fear related to their relationship, they still have a chance."

Burying resentments, instead of voicing them, can lead to an irreparable distance. That can lead two spouses living under the same roof to start living separate lives: "They sleep in different beds, have different schedules, don't discuss their inner lives, have different friends, and simply no longer look to each other for much of anything anymore."

Consider the possibility that it may be

Unaddressed depression or anxiety can cause someone to see aspects of their life—including their relationships—in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect reality (substance abuse does this too, Bobby adds).

Professional and financial setbacks, along with the understandable stress caused by the latter, can color their perception of their marital health as well. Cultural expectations based in the concept of men as "hunter-gatherers" have reinforced an idea that equates the ability to provide with bringing value to a partnership or family.

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"When a man's ability to succeed in what he most deeply values—such as being a provider for his family, a trusted husband, or productive employee—is threatened, everything in his life starts to be viewed through a lens of frustration," says Robyn D'Angelo, a marriage and family therapist based in California.

"When men lose any sense of their value, the feeling of failure or inadequacy can seep into everything," D'Angelo continues. "Their moods can drop. They can get irritable. They hear their partner's requests for something as criticism that they're bad, or not enough. Then they can even start to view the people closest to them, who are now noticing their lack of energy, engagement, and productivity as the enemy. "

In these cases, a person projects perceived shortcomings onto their partner when they actually need to look inward.

A solo retreat could bring clarity on your marriage.

"Before divorce is even mentioned, I suggest a time of solitude in order to reflect," D'Angelo says. She recommends planning a solo trip away for least two days, in nature if possible. To prevent numbing yourself with the internet, unplug as much as any critical real-life obligations will allow: "Put away the phone. Put away the computer. Let your work, family, and friends know where you'll be, and then shut off all distractions."

Once you've created the space to listen to your intuition and your needs, D'Angelo suggests asking yourself these questions:

1. What's really going on with me?
   
2. Where in my life do I feel helpless?
3. What is it that I'm feeling? Am I mad, glad or sad? What about fear or shame?
4. Who am I truly feeling these things toward, and why?
5. What other times in my life have I felt like this?
6. How do I show up in my different roles when I feel this way?

Then, voicing your frustration to your wife is essential.

Will it be easy? Absolutely not. And if (or rather, when) things get emotionally messy, Bobby says that's not just common; it may mean the difference between divorce and a major relationship shift. "If nothing profoundly regrettable, like an affair, has catalyzed this discussion, it's actually an amazing opportunity to have the fully honest, authentic, and vulnerable conversations that could bring them back together again,"she says.

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There will almost certainly be more than one of these difficult heart-to-hearts, and for husbands who find it hard to share their emotions, answering D'Angelo's self-examination questions first can help (whether you've managed a trip away or not).

"It's easy to fall into defensiveness, blame and self-pitying on both sides," Bobby admits, which is why the support of an objective professional like a marriage counselor can be so valuable. And therapy won't work unless your wife is willing to communicate her frustrations, and listen as well.

"For women, the first step is often understanding, sometimes for the first time, that their husbands are just as in need of love, affection, and compassion as they are. Many women I talk to have little awareness that their husbands are craving hugs and kisses, time and attention, empathy, and to simply feel like they're enjoying each other."

Feeling too angry to even know where to begin talking to your wife about it? D'Angelo says seeing a therapist on your own is the best place to start. "If, or when, you're ready to connect with your partner, you can bring them in to the couples therapy process."

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Samantha Vincenty

Senior Staff Writer

Samantha Vincenty is the former senior staff writer at Oprah Daily.  

This content is imported from OpenWeb. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

I Feel Like I Hate My Wife: What Should I Do?

”All relationships have their ups and downs. It’s important when you are experiencing a ‘down’ phase in your relationship that you do not simply give up. Many times, if you are willing to work through the issues with your spouse, you can get through such a difficult period together and even become stronger for it.” - Aaron Dutil, LPC

Maybe you've been married for five years, or maybe you have been married for 25 - there sometimes comes the point in a relationship where the feeling of love becomes less prominent. Some marriages even reach the point where you feel as though you might hate your spouse or, at the very least, resent them. If you have found yourself feeling this way, what's next?

Many couples would throw in the towel and get divorced. However, when you first got married, you likely vowed to stick together through the good times and the bad. Before going to the divorce route, there are actions that you might take to save your marriage and remember why you fell in love with your wife. Putting in the effort to save your marriage can help you resolve your issues and leave your hate and resentment behind.

When you feel like you hate your wife, where do you begin to make a change? Where do you start when you're feeling such negative things about the person you're supposed to love for the rest of your life? By trying a few different things, you can do better to see her and your marriage in a new light.

Making Changes In Your Marriage

Marriage is a two-way street. How do you introduce change when you are only one half of the relationship? Leave out the manipulation tricks and communicate your desire for change within your relationship. Being honest is the best way to approach the idea of change. This does not mean that you should tell your wife that you hate her - those are words that you can never take back. Informing her that your marriage could use some work is a better approach to the situation.

Counseling

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Ask your wife to attend marital counseling with you. After an initial session, your counselor may suggest separate sessions so that you and your wife can work on yourselves as well as on your relationship. After all, your relationship is made up of two individuals. By remembering your individuality and making efforts to improve your marriage, you may find that you do not actually hate your wife.

In counseling, addressing the topic of hating your wife will likely lead you to discover the real reasons behind this feeling. It is likely more a sense of resentment than hate. Dissecting your reason for such resentment can make strides in solving the problem. When you spend a lifetime with someone, they are going to be negative experiences.

You might resent that she puts more time and effort into the kids than she does with you. Maybe you feel like you could have lived a more luxurious life if you didn't have a family to provide for. Or, you could miss the fun that you got into early on in your relationship. No matter the cause of the resentment, counseling can help you to unpack it.

Date Night

When you first started dating your wife, you likely went on dates regularly. It could have been a few nights a week or just once a week, but you both put forth effort in getting to know one another. It was exciting and new. However, you have so many roles that it is not feasible to have a weekly date night. This is normal! You might be a husband, a dad, an employee, and a homeowner. How do you find time for yourself, your kids, your job, keeping your house maintained, and still having a regular date night?

You and your wife have to make time. It might only be once a month that you can get away from your other responsibilities. Still, it is important to make date night a priority so that your relationship is a priority. Do not cancel or reschedule date night - it must be a standing date that is just as important as picking up the kids from their sports practice.

You might think that you hate your wife because you never get any time together anymore. She is stretched thin between her various roles and needs a date night to reconnect with you as well. Allow yourselves to get to know each other again by dating each other. You might be surprised at the results.

Start A New Joint Hobby

Have you found that the things you used to enjoy with your wife are no longer enjoyable? Maybe it was a hobby that you've grown out of or grew tired of. Maybe she lost interest in it, so you no longer have that connection. It could be that neither of you has time for it anymore. Nevertheless, starting a new hobby with your wife can create a space where you can connect over something different.

You might try hiking, dance classes, or start painting. If you are unsure of what hobby to start, try something new once or twice a month and see what sticks. One new hobby can open up several new doors for you. You might find yourself reading and discussing books on the topic, planning getaways to experience your new hobby in a new place, or expanding your knowledge together in various ways.

The hobby itself isn't important as long as you and your wife enjoy it. By developing your new interests together, you can make strides in improving your marriage.

Making Changes In Yourself

In the previous section, you may have noticed that none of the suggestions were to attempt to change your wife or ask her to make a change to herself. When you identify several problems in your relationship, you might think that it is what she is or isn't doing that makes you hate her. However, maybe the problem isn't with her at all, but rather you. Making changes to yourself is something that you have control over.

Make An Effort To See Her Differently

It is normal for people to change over time. The fun girl you met in college is not interested in going out drinking and dancing anymore because she spent the day working, running kids to practice, cooking dinner, and doing household chores. By the time the evening comes around, she wants to relax. Instead of seeing how boring she seems to be now, please make an effort to see why she feels the way she does. You then can do more to help her. When she has less on her plate, she will have more energy to be more like she used to be.

Consider what your wife is responsible for before you judge how she is different. Real-life is busy and hard. She deserves some credit. It is also a good idea to do some self-reflecting. How have you changed?

Find Inner Peace

Are you constantly angry or annoyed with your wife? Identify what it is within yourself that truly makes you irritable and find a way to calm it. Maybe meditation, exercise, time in nature, reading, or religion can help you find inner peace. Dealing with your irritations, annoyances, and anger issues can help you see that it isn't your wife you hate, but you blame her for all of your stresses.

Find a stress reliever that works for you, and you might become a better husband. Your feelings of hate toward your wife may prove to be a fluke, and if she is harboring similar feelings, they may change as well. Having inner peace does a lot to see everything more clearly and positively.

Try To Be Better Yourself

While dealing with your stressors and attempting to see your wife differently than you may have perceived, you are becoming better yourself. There are additional actions that you can take to be a better version of yourself. It could be that your resentment of your wife stems from resentment about yourself. Evaluate yourself. What might you change to be better?

If you dislike the average-joe job you took to have enough time with your family, see what kind of new job you can get with your experience that offers the same schedule, maybe you want to have time to play sports again. Having your hobbies and activities as an individual is important. You might even feel that you could have a nicer home with more things if you didn't have to contribute your paycheck to your family. Volunteering at the local homeless shelter will help to put things into perspective.

Attempting to be a better person can have various benefits, but ultimately, it might make you see that you do not hate your wife. If you still feel as though hate is present, it may be best to start attending therapy independently. Bringing your spouse into counseling after working on yourself can have a positive effect.

Is It Really Hate?

So, is what you are feeling really hate? Hate is a strong feeling. Whether your wife has done something to hurt you or you are projecting your feelings onto the person closest to you, it is entirely possible to get beyond these feelings.  Discovering the cause of these feelings is the best way to solve the problem and move forward with your life together. Your emotions may be impairing your judgement if you're feeling like "I hate being married to my wife."

What should I Do if I hate my wife?

When you've been married for a long time, it's natural to develop resentment toward one another. Husbands resent wives, wives resent husbands, wives resent wives, and husbands resent husbands. Even if you've created and maintained a healthy long-term relationship, hurt feelings happen. In the healthiest marriages, people get into fights. Maybe you've been arguing about a topic for a while, and it keeps coming up. You feel misunderstood, devalued, or unheard of. That resentment builds up, and you find that you hate your wife. If you find yourself having these feelings, it's important to talk about them to your partner. When partners hate their wives, there's something deeper going on in the relationship. The word "hate" is a strong term that refers to anger. You could have a loving wife and still be angry with her. One cause of resentment in marriage is money management. Suppose you and your wife have different views on the finances that could cause resentment. You work hard at your job, and so does she. But, maybe you're better with the finances. She spends her work money, and you're resentful. Whether you talk about them in therapy or with your spouse directly, it's crucial to get them out. You want to make sure that you're not in a loveless marriage where your partner resents you and you feel the same way. There are months of expenses that you have responsibility for, and she's not contributing to the household. You want to split the costs of things, and you find yourself taking the financial burden in the relationship. Perhaps there's a lack of intimacy in the bedroom, and you resent each other for that. You try different sex positions, but it doesn't seem to work. Your lack of a fulfilling sex life could have to do with the resentment you have toward her. If you find that you hate your spouse, you're not alone. Many people have these feelings. You and your partner can talk to a marriage and family therapist and help with the relationship's anger and resentment. This is a proactive step that can help you work through these issues.

What do you do when you hate your wife's family?

Many people have conflicted feelings about their in-laws. If you find yourself hating your wife's family, it could be because you feel misunderstood by them. If they don't get you, it could become frustrating to communicate with them. Some husbands feel like their wife understands them, but her family doesn't. If your wife takes her family's side over yours and doesn't listen to what you have to say, that could cause resentment. This is a topic you could discuss in marriage counseling. A skills couple's counselor can help you work through these concerns and figure out why you hate your wife's family.

How should a wife treat her husband?

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A wife should treat her husband the way she wants to be treated. A happy marriage means that you care about your partner. Each of you can come up with fun and romantic date ideas so you can have quality time together. You want the life health of your marriage to last a long time. Find romantic ways to spend time together. It doesn't have to be valentine's day to show how you feel about your husband. Find out how he receives love and give it to him that way. Maybe he likes to spend time with you. Perhaps he appreciates when you take action to show your love, such as helping him assemble furniture or calling the doctor's office for him. Some people like to be shown love through actions. Make his favorite meal, or take him out to dinner at one of the restaurants he loves. Tell him you love and appreciate him, and name something he does that you observe. The crucial thing here is to show you love him in some way every day.

Why is it so hard to get along with in-laws?

It can be hard to get along with in-laws because they're not your family. You don't know the dynamics of the unit. You may feel like an outsider. Perhaps you feel like you have to prove something to them. There's no need to go above and beyond to get your in-laws to like you. Be yourself, and if they don't appreciate you, that's not your fault. You can be polite, respectful, gracious, and loving. But you don't have to put up with being mistreated. It's okay to draw a boundary if you feel that your in-laws are disrespectful to you. You can also discuss these issues with your partner.

What does a woman need in a marriage?

Every woman is different, and she will need unique things in her marriage. The most important thing she needs is to feel loved. If you're unsure about what she wants, you can always ask. "How can I show you that I love you?" That's a direct question that shows her that you care. You can also ask, "what do you need, and how can I give you that? That's a straight-up way of communicating that you're interested in giving your wife what she needs, and you want to know what that is. You may need to be appreciated and loved in a completely different way than she does. It's good to have a candid conversation to learn what your wife needs out of the marriage.

Why would a husband ignore his wife?

In marriages, there are times when people need space. It could be that the partners have had a disagreement, and one person is frustrated if a husband ignores their wife; that may be the issue. He needs time to process the argument. He may not respond right away to her texts or calls. Another reason a husband could ignore his wife is if she is cruel. Maybe she's calling him names, or yelling and he doesn't want to engage in a fight. On the flip side, some husbands deliberately ignore their wives on purpose. That's not okay, and it's called stonewalling. If your husband is sitting there ignoring you while you're asking him a question or trying to have a conversation with you, and it's clear that he hears you, that's abusive. It's different from being distracted. This is a deliberate form of abuse. You don't have to accept that. It's something you can discuss in therapy with a couple's counselor. Each partner needs to be respected and heard.

How do you respect a woman in a relationship?

There are simple ways to respect a woman in a relationship. Whether you're in a long-distance partnership or you live together, it's the same concept. Listen to her, and let her feel validated. Hear your wife's feelings, tell her what you observe, and let her know that her feelings are valid and real. Respect is a two-way street. If you want her to respect you, then it's crucial to show her respect. If she's upset, let her vent. When she needs a hug, embrace her. Respect her boundaries and show her that what she needs matters. If you and your partner are having trouble with mutual respect or couple's concerns, you can always consult a licensed therapist. Whether you work with some in practice or online, with one of the counselors from ReGain, you can get the help you need to foster a respectful partnership.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

 What should I do if I hate my wife?

If you feel like you hate your spouse, it’s important to try to work through whatever situation(s) or event(s) that are causing these feelings. Try to focus on making changes to your marriage or attending counseling with your partner to work through the causes of your emotions. Potentially start a new joint hobby to spend time doing different things together or begin going on date nights with each other again. Those who hate their wives often aren’t happy in the marriage, so it’s worth having an honest talk with your spouse about where you want the relationship to go, rather than silently thinking I hate my spouse.

Is it normal not to like your wife?

Every long-term relationship has the opportunity for arguments and can be a breeding ground for negative feelings such as resentment, anger, and more. In regards to these feelings, it’s normal to experience them throughout a relationship. Still, it’s not normal to hate or dislike your spouse to a serious degree consistently throughout the marriage. Many articles can be found online outlining what to do if you find yourself hating your spouse, and looking up articles I hate can provide many results. If you find that you hate your spouse, seeking out therapy or counseling for couples can help you and your spouse work through any potential issues causing the emotions.

What are the signs of a bad wife?

Finding oneself in a toxic marriage can be extremely challenging and lead a person to think that it is normal to hate their partner in some cases. If you think I hate my wife or hate my husband, a few signs of a toxic partner can be watched for. If your partner has a Jekyll and Hyde type personality, your wife or husband says I hate you constantly, you don’t spend time together, your friends and family consistently express misgivings about the marriage, and your partner refuses to listen to you are all common signs of a potentially toxic partner. People who hate their wives or husband may feel the way they do because of some of the above signs. If you think I hate my husband or wife, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor to see how they may help.

Is it possible to love and hate your spouse?

Yes, a love-hate relationship with a spouse is entirely normal, though not a healthy relationship. Many people notice their wife or husband’s say I hate you to them or say it to their partner, yet they find themselves still in love. Over time, arguments and other situations can lead one partner to feel extreme negative emotions that fade but, in some cases, those emotions persist and evolve into a love-hate relationship. Looking up the phrase article I hate will yield many sources discussing love-hate relationships and how to overcome these feelings. People who hate their wives or husbands while still being in love with them can have difficulty balancing these emotions, leading to the marriage becoming toxic. It’s best to reach out to a licensed mental health professional and to rediscover how to be a loving wife or husband for your partner with no hate.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is anywhere to people involved do not support each other, where there is constant conflict, and one partner seeks to undermine the other and disregards their emotions. If your wife or husband says I hate you constantly, for example, and refuses to listen to you, it may be a sign of a toxic relationship. If you find yourself thinking I hate my husband or wife, look deeper at your relationship. If you think of an article I hate or tv show I hate that your partner knows of, but they continue making you read or watch things you dislike, it’s possibly a sign of a toxic relationship. Many who hate their wife or husband tend to discover unresolved problems in the relationship that have festered and led to the toxic relationship. If the relationship cannot be recovered and, for example, thinking I hate my partner cannot stop, it’s worth looking into counseling or thinking about the relationship’s future.

What is a toxic wife like?
What to do when you despise your wife?
What is miserable husband syndrome?
What are the signs of unhappy marriage?
How do you know your partner is not right for you?

I don't love my wife at all, what should I do?