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My husband is too nice to others


3 surprising reasons being ‘too nice’ is bad for your relationship — Steve McCready

First, a definition: If you consistently sacrifice your own needs and wants for those of others due to concerns about conflict or disapproval, you’re ‘too nice’.

Sure, going along with what your partner wants is a way of being supportive and loving, and I don’t want to suggest you shouldn’t ever do it. However, when it happens too often, and you’re doing it primarily out of fear, it inevitably becomes problematic in your relationship.

The obvious problems with being ’too nice’ are the resentment and loss of identity that occur.

There’s more, though. Here are 3 other ways that being ‘too nice’ is bad for your relationship:

1) Being ‘too nice’ puts added pressure on your partner

When I give a talk, I often ask this question: ‘who here likes conflict?’ Not surprisingly, It’s rare that anybody raises their hand. While there are some people who see the value and benefit that comes from conflict, virtually nobody actually likes it. (This turns out to be the case even for people who argue for a living: a couple of the most conflict-avoidant clients I’ve ever had were attorneys!)

As comfort-seeking creatures, it’s hardly surprising that humans would avoid conflict, especially in our primary relationship, the place where we’re the most emotionally sensitive. Keeping your thoughts, opinions, and ideas out of the way so that they don’t bump up against your partner’s certainly will limit your conflict, at least in the short term.

However, the problem that results is the imbalance you create by not doing your part to share in the responsibility of making choices in the relationship. Choosing takes energy, and if you’re the one having to make most of the choices in the relationship it becomes tiring, not to mention a source of pressure and tension. Over time, any system with an imbalance like that is going to have problems. In this case, it’s likely to be increased resentment on your partner’s part, as well as a decreased willingness to take the lead. What happens then? Not much … and that’s not good.

2) If you’re ‘too nice’, you deprive your relationship of the creative energy it needs to keep from stagnating.

Everyone (yes, even you!) has good ideas, ranging from simple and practical to wild and crazy. Bringing those ideas into a relationship is an important part of keeping it fun, exciting, and fresh. People who are ‘too nice’ often avoid sharing their ideas due to fear of rejection, judgement, or the (false) belief that it’s selfish or controlling to do so. When the relationship is deprived of that creative energy it slowly starves over time, becoming stagnant, dull & lifeless.

It also leads to disconnection. When we hide and reshape ourselves to avoid conflict and rejection, we end up becoming bland, like vanilla ice cream. It’s not offensive to anyone … but it’s pretty forgettable. While being more genuine and vulnerable puts us at risk of rejection, it’s also the only way we can make real connection.

The result of this is a relationship that’s dull and disconnected, which is a breeding ground for affairs and other major relationship challenges. Not good.

3) Being ‘too nice’ causes a loss of trust

Nice person’s partner: “What’s wrong? You seem upset.”
Nice person: “No, everything’s fine.”

Nice person’s truth: I’m upset, but I’m not going to say anything, because I don’t like conflict, and I’m not good at standing up for myself, so we’ll just have a fight and I’ll lose, so why bother?

This is a ticking time bomb. At some point, that withheld problem turns into resentment that festers and eventually boils over into a fight. Then, it becomes clear that the nice person wasn’t being honest. Repeat this exchange enough times, and a trust problem evolves. Once you start to lose trust in your partner, your relationship becomes a very uncomfortable and unstable place.

A client recently summed it up really well: “People pleasers make me nervous … because they lie. ”

How to fix it

If you’re too nice, the solution is to take a more assertive role in your relationship. Yes, that means being willing to face conflict. Will that be uncomfortable? Of course. Will it be more uncomfortable than the idea of your relationship continuing on the path it’s currently on? Well, I’ll leave that to you to answer.

If your partner is too nice, the solution is to encourage and support them in being more expressive. Ask them what they think, listen carefully when they do open up and share. If you disagree, make a point to do so respectfully and gently.

For both of you: create a system for your decision making that requires equal participation. Here’s an example: say you go out to dinner together every Friday night. Take turns picking the restaurant. Whoever’s turn it is can’t get input from the other partner, who has to go along with whatever the choice is. You can take this general approach to a lot of decisions; many couples I’ve worked with have found it to be very helpful and freeing as they work to develop a more balanced relationship.

If you (or your partner) are ‘too nice’ or a people pleaser, get in touch to set up a free consultation to see how I can help you break free of the people pleaser trap and start living the life you really want.

Being Too Nice In A Relationship? Here's How to Stop

Most of us have been taught the importance of being nice to others. We strive to follow “The Golden Rule,” of treating others as we wish to be treated. We try to be helpful, supportive, and positive to those around us. But is it possible you’re being too nice in a relationship?

Consider these questions. Are there times when you are being nice just so others will like you? Do you sometimes hide your true feelings in your search for acceptance from friends and loved ones?

You may not even realize you are doing this half the time because you have been so accustomed to ignoring your own boundaries and intuition, that you trick yourself into thinking you DO want what they do. If this sounds like you, we need to have a little chat about boundaries and assertiveness and help you figure out how to stop being too nice in a relationship.

Of course, there are times when we are genuinely nice to other people AND that aligns with our true desires and intentions. We give a compliment or we offer to take a friend’s dog for a walk when said friend is sick with the flu. Yet, most of us have also experienced times when we’ve wanted to say “no,” but said “yes” or lied to someone to avoid hurting his or her feelings.

White lies aren’t so bad, right? Well, that’s debatable and it depends on your true intention behind the white lie. When we lie to someone to avoid hurting him or her, in many instances, we stop being nice and start being self-serving. I know this sounds backward but let me clarify.

When we lie to make someone happy, we are often more interested in how we look to the person than in trying to have a genuine interaction with them. We aren’t acting out of real care or concern for our loved one and are actually trying to protect our own image.

In other words, being nice to please others – including being too nice in a relationship -comes with some major downfalls.

Is Being Too Nice In A Relationship A Bad Thing?

Trying too hard to be nice doesn’t allow you to make your own choices. Instead, you follow the lead of others and do what other people want you to do. Because of this, you become disconnected from your own dreams, wishes and desires and your life ends up being about what others want, instead of what you want.

An extreme (but very common) example of people-pleasing, is choosing a career path your parents want you to pursue rather than doing what you really want to do. Another example might be staying in an unhealthy relationship way past its expiration date because you feel bad hurting your partner or leaving them during a hard time they are going through. This is one of the signs of a codependent relationship. Or perhaps you agree to go to a restaurant that you really don’t like rather than telling your friends you aren’t a fan and making it more difficult for the group.

Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice, you lose a little piece of yourself every time you try to be nice at the expense of what you really want.

How to Stop Being Too Nice in A Relationship

Are you tired of being too accommodating in a relationship? Are you wondering how to stop being too nice to your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or partner? For most people, the key is to practice being more assertive in a relationship.

Speaking Your Mind In A Relationship

Constantly trying to please others leads to superficial relationships that only exist on a surface level. They don’t have the depth that true partnerships need to succeed because you never let them see the real you. Trying to be who someone else wants you to be, causes you to lose who you really are, and this takes away your ability to feel your true feelings.

This can lead to you feeling lost and alone, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid by being nice in the first place!


People cannot respect you or truly connect with you if you are fake with them. Always saying “yes” to someone will eventually cause that person to look down on you or feel like you aren’t being honest with them. In order for a healthy relationship to exist, both people have to be honest about what their needs and wants are, and it can’t be one-sided.

Being Assertive In A Relationship

Being fake or being a people pleaser in relationships also leads to them ending somewhat abruptly, often around the 3 to 6 month mark. If you have had a string of relationships that start out hot and heavy and then end unexpectedly just as you start to let your guard down, this is a good indicator that you might be acting acting too nice in a relationship.

The reason your partners leave as soon as you get comfortable and let your guard down is because the real you starts to come out once you feel comfortable. Now it’s important to recognize this does not mean the real you isn’t lovable! I promise you are. It’s just that you entered into this relationship under false pretenses and the person you truly are, is not the person your partner signed up to be with.

Had you been your authentic self from the get-go, you could’ve saved yourselves both time and heartbreak because one or both of you would have realized it’s not a great match before getting too invested.

Though it’s scary to put your true self (flaws and all) out there and face rejection, it’s easier if you realize that somebody’s opinion of you does not determine your worth. Just because you aren’t a good fit for somebody (or vice versa) does not mean you or they are not worthy of love. It just means that particular relationship wasn’t a good fit. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea!

Just as others can’t respect you if you are constantly saying “yes” to them, you also can’t hold true feelings for someone when you are not being your true self with them. If you are constantly afraid that saying “no” to someone will make them stop loving you, then you aren’t in a healthy relationship; you are in a fake one.

I realize some of what I have said here might sound harsh. Believe me, I understand wanting others to like or love you. Still, I believe that you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for who you are pretending to be. I promise, being in a relationship as your true self is way more rewarding than being too nice in a relationship.

How To Stop Being Too Nice in a Relationship By Being Assertive

So, let’s say I’ve convinced you that being nice isn’t always the answer. Okay, then what is the answer?

Well, if you’ve ever been within spitting distance of a therapist or self-help book, you’ve probably heard the answer. It’s assertiveness. Still, do you really know what that means? It’s okay if you don’t. Many people confuse assertiveness with “being rude” or “getting what you want.” The truth is, it’s neither of those things.

How To Be Assertive In A Relationship

Psychologists believe that assertiveness is a teachable social skill and that it’s very important to be assertive in relationships. In fact, research has proven that higher levels of assertiveness are linked to higher levels of happiness in a relationship so this isn’t just opinion; it’s facts.

Being assertive means that you stand up for yourself and speak your mind but without being rude or aggressive toward anyone else. It also means that you clearly state your opinions, goals, values, and boundaries without becoming angry or withdrawn.

While being assertive, you may try to influence another person’s opinion, but you wouldn’t disrespect or be mean to that person while doing so. That’s just flat out aggression and is nowhere near as effective as assertiveness (unless your goal is to scare and alienate others.)

Learning To Be Assertive In Relationships

The biggest reason that so many people struggle with being assertive – and being too nice in a relationship – comes down to low self-esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself from the inside, then you look to others to fill that void. You want everyone around you to like you, and because of that, you will hold back from saying what you really mean, or how you truly feel about things.

Whether you are outright lying, or just withholding the truth, keeping things to yourself because you are afraid of how others will react is bad for your relationships. You aren’t giving people the opportunity to know the real you, and that’s a shame!

Another reason that some people find it hard to be assertive, is that they judge themselves too harshly. If you are constantly trying to be perfect and always say the right thing, then you might stop yourself from sharing your true feelings and opinions. You might tell yourself that your opinion is “stupid,” or “wrong,” and silence yourself. Again, this is sad for your relationships with others because other people don’t get to hear your wonderful and unique ideas.

Assertive Communication In Relationships

One of the best things about assertiveness is that it can be learned! This means that even if you don’t think you have it mastered right now, it’s okay! We can work on it!

First, we would work on your self-esteem or the way that you value yourself. By helping you to see that your opinions, thoughts, and feelings have worth, you would have an easier time expressing them directly with others.

Next, and this one may come as a surprise, we would help you value others more. Think about it, if you aren’t sharing your true self with someone, do you really care about that person? If you can’t tell your friend that you were hurt when she didn’t come to your birthday party, are you really committed to repairing the rupture and being her friend? Real relationships require honesty, and you have to care enough about the other person to be willing to be honest.


Finally, we would help you build courage. Remember the cowardly lion in “The Wizard of Oz?” He knew how important it was to have courage! Courage allows you to do what you need to do, even when you are afraid. It allows you to feel the fear and do it anyway. It allows you to truly stop being too nice in a relationship.

That means that you might not want to bring up a controversial topic, or tell someone that they hurt you, but you do it anyway because you know that you are strong enough to handle whatever happens next. That’s the kind of courage that helps you, your relationships, and ultimately the whole world!

Examples Of Being Assertive In A Relationship

Alright, now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. I’m going to teach you a foolproof way of making an assertive statement so you can stop being too nice in a relationship once and for all. 

The recipe for this kind of statement looks like this:

Use “I” Statements – Speak from the first person about how you feel. This helps to lessen the defenses of the person you are talking to.

Describe Specific Behaviors That You Find Problematic – Instead of criticizing the person, you are criticizing his behavior. Again, this helps to lessen the chances that he or she will feel attacked and attack you back.

Put It All Together – Use the “I feel _______ when you _______” sentence structure.

Let’s look at an example of how this recipe works. Say your boyfriend has a habit of picking up his phone when the two of you are out on dates and it really bothers you. You might want to say something like, “You always ignore me! Why are we even together?!”, but that is probably more aggressive than assertive. An assertive statement would look like this:

“I feel ignored when you answer your phone during dinner.”

Then, you might add a request, like:

“Could we please make dinner a phone-free zone? It would make me feel so much more loved and like a priority that way.”

Does this sound like something that you could do? If it sounds hard to you, that’s ok. There are many ways to practice assertiveness and other options to get help with being too nice in a relationship.

Get Help To Stop Being Too Nice in a Relationship

Often, being too nice in a relationship is a sign of a deeper insecurity. It may stem from our attachment style or from experiences we had in childhood. Being too accommodating in a relationship may also be a sign of low self esteem or codependency in relationships.

No matter what is at the root of your struggles to be assertive in a relationship or set healthy boundaries, there are ways to get help. One of the best options is to consider therapy. 

There are many options available for therapy today, both in person and online. At Couples Learn, we offer online therapy for individuals and couples. Individual therapy for relationship issues may be a good place to start if you’re struggling with being too nice. If this is just one of several issues in your relationship, however, and your partner is open to it, couples therapy could also help you and your partner set healthier boundaries and build a stronger partnership.

No matter what path you decide to take, Couples Learn is ready to support you in gradually learning and integrating assertiveness into your life. Book a free 30 min consultation to get started today!

90,000 my husband is very good ... And this is all

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Guest

The family works better in the family !!! And it doesn't have to be a man! Why wait for something from him and endure the brain for years, when you can go and earn money yourself, and let him sit with the children and cook borscht!

#9,0005

#10

66 I don't want to quit, it's the easiest. I try to fix the situation somehow, he seems to be trying, but nothing comes of it. So we’ll get together as girlfriends, everyone tells where they went, about the decree, what a great husband. And I'm silent... Boast that he doesn't drink, doesn't beat? funny

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#17,0005

Bella Donna

66666666 The author does not have children yet. He just feels like a young guy))) Children will appear, responsibility will appear .- and everything will be fine! It's elementary, Watson. And the same with girls.

#18

Andryukha Piterskiy

Ahh, so it's about "girlfriends" as usual. Who, as usual, have a more expensive fur coat and a larger apartment, and their husband has 45 cm. 11 August 2016
There is always a NO.
Husbands most likely walk with girlfriends - because 90% of men walk, especially if there is money.
Your faithful is another plus.
I stopped envying people when every time you dig deeper, you find such problems that you still enjoy your life.
One friend's husband is very wealthy, but he killed the child on the side (she does not know about it).
Another seems to have an ideal relationship, and then it turned out that her husband had not slept with her for 2 years. Generally! Not with her, not with anyone.
The third seems to have a good family and prosperity, and then it turns out that all the prosperity comes from the help of parents.
In short, don't compare

#21

Guest

Ahh, so it's usually about "girlfriends". Who, as usual, have a more expensive fur coat and a larger apartment, and their husband has 45 cm.

#22

Guest

People like the author surprise me!! Who did you marry - a loader or a director? Why, after marriage, the loader (her husband is a worker) should immediately go to the director? Everything suits him, he does not suit YOU, so go and work! Show me how to make money. But no... why? Let the husband take a steam bath, right?

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author

Everyone thinks that I don't do anything and dream of a millionaire.
No, it's not. I myself am very afraid of the rich, I think that big money spoils. Probably the numbers should be called. Province, but the city of a million people. I want him to earn 50,000. And I do not think that this is the great money

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Guest

All the NIFIGE NOT do and dream of a millionaire.
No, it's not. I myself am very afraid of the rich, I think that big money spoils. Probably the numbers should be called. Province, but the city of a million people. I want him to earn 50,000. And I don’t think that this is great money

of course, for two years I persuaded me to go to the tower. She persuaded me, the first course helped by 70%, so that I wouldn’t howl because of any humanitarian disciplines, I did it for him.
And he is not a manager, he is in the field of metallurgy, t.*****. hard worker, future engineer. So I decided to wait a couple more years and look at his movements. I personally always help

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    August 11, 2016 Men who earn a lot and know how to hammer a nail behave at home like kings. If the ultimate dream of a woman is to cook three times a day and wipe the snot after the children until they come of age, then such a husband is just that. But if you like working and you need some kind of self-realization, and housework is a necessity, then it’s better for a husband who is able to change a child’s diapers, cook and help around the house than one who will only say at home that he earns money, everything else is women’s business. A question of choice. and the second question - women want their husband to solve issues around the house, but are you ready to give them the reins of power? The wallpaper is not the right color, the rest is not in Spain but in Cyprus, for the weekend on fishing and not in the club.

    #31

    Guest

    The one who works best in the family works!!! And it doesn't have to be a man! Why wait for something from him and endure the brain for years, when you can go and earn money yourself, and let him sit with the children and cook borscht! August 11, 2016 It is better to be a good tiler, mechanic, etc. than a mediocre manager.

    #33

    Unreliable stories

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      The man immediately warned that the man immediately warned that all property is registered to children

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    #35

    Guest

    I don't want to quit, it's the easiest. I try to fix the situation somehow, he seems to be trying, but nothing comes of it. So we’ll get together as girlfriends, everyone tells where they went, about the decree, what a great husband. And I'm silent... Boast that he doesn't drink, doesn't beat? funny

    #36

    Guest

    Author, you are doing nonsense: you can't change another person to suit your Wishlist. And then either accept your husband as he is, or get a divorce and look for a person who matches your ideas about a normal husband. 9August 11, 2016
    No, it's not. I myself am very afraid of the rich, I think that big money spoils. Probably the numbers should be called. Province, but the city of a million people. I want him to earn 50,000. And I don’t think that this is a lot of money

    #38

    author

    GuestAuthor, you are engaged in nonsense: you cannot remake another person to suit your Wishlist. And then either accept your husband as he is, or get a divorce and look for a person who matches your ideas about a normal husband.

    already wrote, he was different. What does it mean to redo, I want to make it better. Like the story that my wife sent me is not quoted?

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    #40

    9000 9000

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    Guest

    It looks like the author will eat his brain out soon. Why shouldn't the author earn more? Or look for your husband another job with a higher income.

    #43

    Guest

    GuestAuthor, you are doing nonsense: you cannot change another person to suit your Wishlist. And then either accept your husband as he is, or get a divorce and look for a person who matches your ideas about a normal husband.

    already wrote, he was different. What does it mean to redo, I want to make it better. Like the story that my wife sent me is not quoted?

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    #44

    Guest

    How good is he if such a problem. Did you mean soft? Good when all is well.

    #45

    Author

    So everything is fine with us

    #46

    Why Woman why woman should think about how to feed the family in the same decree

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    #48

    You are not trying to fix the situation, but your husband, which is stupid. then correct yourself and become a careerist. you do not want? maybe he doesn't want to either. either accept one way or the other. you need to marry a person whose shortcomings you can safely put up with.
    so I would not have left, before the wedding he was different. Goals, aspirations, and now

    #49

    Guest

    The one who works best in the family works!!! And it doesn't have to be a man! Why wait for something from him and endure the brain for years, when you can go and earn money yourself, and let him sit with the children and cook borscht!

    #50

    by

    Everyone thinks that I don't do anything and dream of a millionaire.
    No, it's not. I myself am very afraid of the rich, I think that big money spoils. Probably the numbers should be called. Province, but the city of a million people. I want him to earn 50,000. And I don't think it's a lot of money0005

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    Drunk boobs

    This is not kindness, this is cowardice.
    What to do - choose whether to live with a coward or seek bolder.

    #9

    Sofia will, do not forget about the wedding, work two jobs, be a servant to him, give his salary, get bored: welcome to the RSP 9 club0005

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    What is Katyusha

    ?

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