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Flirting when married rules


What Is Considered Inappropriate Flirting When Married?

In This Article

Flirting is often a cause of conflict in many relationships. Yes, some people flirt to get laid with someone else, but many merely flirt for fun, and some even flirt unintentionally.

Marriage seems to be at a crossroads with harmless and innocent flirting. The question today is, “What is inappropriate flirting when married?” Read below to get a clearer answer to the question.

Is it wrong to flirt when married?

Is it ok to flirt if you are married? Some people feel that you should never flirt after you’re married. 

There are several reasons for this approach, including the fact that it is insensitive to your partner, who may believe you are dissatisfied and looking for someone better. In other words, your flirting irritates them greatly. 

Related Reading: Why Do People Flirt? 6 Surprising Reasons

On the other hand, some people support flirting in a marriage. They believe that flirting is a genuine expression of our libido and that it gives us a sense of excitement. Flirting also provides a playful element and may prevent our companion from taking us for granted.  

Another explanation could be a longing to be appreciated. Perhaps your marriage has dried out or has become bogged down in the mundane tasks of having a family. When you’re out at a gathering, and somebody shows interest, you take that in and return the favor.

We probably get a kind of ‘high’ when flirting. Our senses are blunted, and our hearts beat swiftly. More notably, the mind mixes imagination and reality, shifting between delightful teasing and serious aims or the various situations that bounce around inside our heads.

As shown above, it is not always easy to determine whether it is okay to flirt in a relationship. What matters most is that the pair communicates their concept of flirting and how it impacts them when they find out that their partner is flirting with other people.

Eventually, it is a chance to increase your bond with your loved one while also defining where and when to flirt, and how flirting will occur inside the relationship. You never know; you might feel more excited about the relationship and begin flirting with each other again.

Do you want to learn the art of flirting? Watch this video on the science of flirting.

The dangers of flirting when married

Flirting can be harmless and pose no threat to a relationship if done right. Still, people might get carried away and inadvertently hurt their partners in terrible ways.

Even innocent flirting might have unexpected outcomes. We may get interested in the idea of some sexual involvement, and the connection may develop at the cost of our relationship over time.

No doubt, flirting while in a relationship has the potential for various disasters. In other words, there is always the risk of getting hurt when messing with marriage and flirting. 

Perhaps this is what makes flirting so appealing. But, like many others have learned, flirting can lead to a sexual affair, leading to a broken marriage.

What is inappropriate flirting when married?

We, humans, love getting compliments, even if they are not from our partner. However, you may unintentionally enter into a conversation or scenario that goes too far.

Judging between harmful and harmless flirting is not always straightforward and clear. If you’re married but want to flirt, you should keep a few things in mind. Here are five things to consider so you don’t get caught up in inappropriate flirting while married.

1. The desire to flirt is natural

Throughout your relationship, you may seek friendship and create various forms of interactions with others who aren’t your spouse. This is why we flirt; it’s natural and a part of who we are.

It’s fine to flirt with someone once in a while if it’s innocent. Genuinely loving one person should not stop you from being close to others. You must never go so far that you would be embarrassed if your partner found out.

Flirting can be enjoyable and a gentle reminder of your younger years, but keep in mind that you chose the person you want to be married to. You can control your interaction, and going too far is disrespectful to your partner and the person you’re socializing with.

2. Be aware of risky flirting

If you don’t make it clear that you’re married, your casual banter might get mistaken for something else. This type of borderline interaction is known as risky flirting, and it is the type of flirting you want to avoid.

When engaging with anyone who isn’t your spouse, regardless of the state of your relationship, you must be consistent in your actions and behavior. Being inconsistent opens the door to being intimate in ways that can lead to disaster.

If you constantly touch someone’s knee or insert a section of hair over their ear, you’re providing accurate, bodily signs that you’re attracted. A hug hello is acceptable, but anything else may imply that the flirting has gone much further.

Talking about the dirty stuff all the time is another type of risky flirting. It may sound strange but bringing the issue up in any way encourages the other person to look at you sexually. Or subconsciously, you may want them to picture you romantically.

3. Keep yourself away from emotional cheating

Emotional cheating usually includes a nonsexual attachment with someone other than your partner. What makes it tough to pin down is that it means breaching invisible walls, the rules you thought were precious in your relationship.

In essence, you are developing an emotionally close connection with someone who is not your spouse. When you do this, you deprive the key relationship of time, attention, and effort, and the relationship suffers as a result.

So, how do you tell the difference between a truly intimate friendship and emotional infidelity? When do you step over the line?

One sign is that you share more thoughts, emotions, and secrets with this person. Then, everything becomes clear when you seek consolation from this person rather than your partner.

It’s a red flag if you have a strong emotional connection with someone outside your serious relationship. It’s time to examine what’s missing in your romance.

4. Harmless flirting does exist

If you are someone married looking to flirt, harmless flirting is the way to go. You still get that buzz from being recognized by others, but you remember who your love belongs to, and you’re not going too far with anything.

This includes complimenting, eye contacting, and amusing someone without aggressively pursuing them. A suggestion to help you play everything safe is to think about how you’d behave if your spouse or partner were standing there paying close attention to your conversations.

You can also experiment with different ways to flirt with your partner to avoid doing so with others. This way, the two of you may be reminded of how thrilling your interactions were.

Some people make the excuse that they can’t stop flirting with others. While you may do it without realizing it, you have control over everything and can stop it before things get out of hand.

One more thing to keep in mind is that you should not go around looking for someone to flirt with. You have a partner waiting for you at home, so you shouldn’t be striking up a flirtatious interaction with others.

5. It is never acceptable to hide it from your partner

Being committed and flirting with anyone other than your partner should never make you feel humiliated, nor should it infuriate your lifelong partner. Just keep in mind that hiding things from them is not acceptable.

If you need to keep something from your partner, you’ve probably gone too far. When you’re being flirtatious, put yourself in your partner’s position for a second. 

Would they be unhappy if they saw how you were flirting or the degree to which you were interacting? If that’s the case, you should end what you’re doing because it’s causing problems in your relationship.

The takeaway

You’ll need a lot of talk with your partner to get a clear answer to the question, “What is inappropriate flirting when married?”.  The earlier you talk to your partner about it, the easier and healthier your connection will be.

What begins as innocent flirting may lead to a few drinks, which may lead to a more complex interaction. So, if you’re married and flirting, keep interacting only with your words and body language.

Make sure you discuss flirting with your lover and come to some agreement. If you can do so; otherwise, avoid flirting in your relationship. Remember that it should be fair, thus, you should have the guts to tolerate it when your partner flirts with others.

When Does Flirting Become Cheating? 9 Red Flags

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If you are getting some emotional needs met by this other person, you may be cheating.

Playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage is harmless if proper boundaries remain intact, according to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of "Defying Aging," and many other relationship experts. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a violation in one marriage might be perfectly acceptable for another couple. Difference of opinions even occur within a marriage.

For example, I know a woman who recently asked her husband to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was perfectly appropriate.

Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, "You don't actually recognize that you're growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you're having a conversation, and that's why I think it could be really seductive in some ways."

Hertlein believes that cyber cheating is especially appealing to women because they can get their emotional needs met behind a computer in the comfort of their home. However, many polls indicate that seemingly harmless online friendships often develop into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate marriages. Recent research has indicated that online cheating usually leads to physical encounters.

So, when does flirting cross that invincible line from innocent bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the following 9 red flags.

1. When it's secretive.

If you are deleting your emails — either to her or from her — that's a red flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something. Moreover, ask yourself this question: "How would I feel if I knew my wife (or husband) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If you feel an uncomfortable knot in your stomach upon answering that question, there you go.

2. If it has a sexual agenda.

This isn't always obvious, of course. But if you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often about sexual fantasy), then you are probably in dangerous waters. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, watch out. If it feels like foreplay in anyway, that’s not good.

3. If you're spending a considerable amount of time talking to him (her).

According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forth but also the amount of them. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" 15 times a day, that's a tad extreme, even if the content is about SpongeBob Squarepants. A friend of mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night on Facebook chatting with an online buddy until she realized that was more time than she was spending with her husband.

4. If you are rationalizing.

"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don't say to yourself when you're involved in innocent communication. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It's obvious to you and to your mate that the companionship is completely appropriate. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are constantly wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize.

5. If it's meeting your personal needs.

If you are getting your intimacy needs met in an online relationship or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your husband, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn't. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don't at home.

Better to address the holes in your life and fill them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage. Keep in mind, a good sex life isn’t just about chemistry.

6. If you talk about your marriage or your spouse.

It's disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a flip attitude. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?

7. If your spouse doesn't like it.

You have just won a red flag if a husband or wife has expressed disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance—that the interaction isn't totally appropriate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.

8. If your friend voices concern.

Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to focus on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don't." Friends, sisters, and mothers can often identify the red flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.

9. If your intentions are wrong.

Let's say your wife is constantly knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose 20 pounds because she didn't intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least easy, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, smart, and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective! But it's also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.

This article was provided to LiveScience by PsychCentral.

"Happily married but can't stop flirting with other men"

20,596

Ask an expert Man and woman Know yourself

I am married and have children. Happy marriage - my husband loves me. But if I find myself in a society with strangers, and there is a man there, then I involuntarily begin to fantasize that he likes me. Sometimes I, convinced of my innocence, flirt with him.

I like attention, I like to see that I am liked. I can imagine bed scenes. Sometimes it seems to me that I have vibes, and I attract men.

I love my husband and don't plan to cheat. Why do I regard any look of an unfamiliar man as if he has a desire in relation to me? Why can't I perceive men neutrally? Why do I flirt right away, I immediately imagine that he is crazy about me?

In some cases this is true: they look at me, they get to know me. I can look back, but I never admit more because I have a family. But if I were alone, I think I would allow more. Perhaps she would allow herself to have a relationship without obligations.

How to get rid of this constant desire to flirt?

Olga, 33 years old

Olga, in your letter you touched on a very interesting topic of flirting. On the one hand, flirting is great. These are hormones, and high spirits, and communication, and increased self-esteem. On the other hand, if you need it all the time, and you flirt all the time, communicating with men, then the first question that comes to mind is: “Why do you need constant external reinforcement of your attractiveness so much?”.

Accordingly, we run into the topic of self-esteem. You write that you start fantasizing that men like you. Accordingly, it can be assumed that you like yourself only when you receive approval from other people.

What does it give you? The opportunity to feel attractive, necessary, "in shape"? If you find yourself in a situation where there is simply no one to flirt with for a long time, let's say you went to the wilderness, does your mood become gloomier? How dependent are you in your moods and thoughts on the opportunity to receive these positive emotions?

You write that you do not plan to cheat on your husband and that such behavior will most likely lead to nothing

Probably so. But why do you care? Why do you need to perceive men as neutral? What will it give you? If there are any difficulties in relations with your husband, then it probably makes sense to deal with yourself so as not to constantly hurt the feelings of a close and important person.

If not, why not stick to a line of behavior that brings you joy? After all, no one got sick from flirting. The main thing is to keep your distance and observe the boundaries of what is permissible so that it does not go too far and does not lead to undesirable consequences.

In many countries, mostly in the south, flirting is an integral part of the culture. Men often compliment women, women often smile at men. This is part of the social game.

Photo source: Getty Images

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Flirting if you are married. Permissible?

#1

#2

#3

#5

#6

#7

#8

Guest

Yes, it is acceptable, especially if you are beautiful and people pay attention to you, how not to flirt. I think that you can even kiss, but you don’t need to have sex, it will be too much.

#9

guest

You were not married to your beloved and most likely will not be.

#10

Guest

Well, why, I love my husband, not madly of course, so moderately. Yes, and I have been married for five years, of course I want new sensations.

#11

#12

guest

You have not been married to your beloved and most likely will not be.

#13

#14

Guest

Does your husband also kiss other people?

#16

Guest

I agree. If you are married to the one you love, whom you have been seeking for so long, whom you have been dreaming about for so long, then even such a thought will not arise. Other guys will seem inferior compared to Him.

#17

#18

Guest

You have not been married to your loved one and most likely will not be.

#20

#21

#22

Guest

+1000I just dreamed about my husband, I loved to unconsciousness, and my happiness knew no bounds when we got married. And even such thoughts as kissing someone there, flirting, etc. will not come to my mind. And I do not agree that this is desirable "especially if you are beautiful" )))) What a garbage, beautiful is quite enough daily male attention, without any flirting.

#23

Guest

But I didn’t dream about my husband, I didn’t love him until I lost consciousness. She loved moderately, got married because she considered him a reliable, serious, responsible man, he makes good money, is good in sex, loves children, that's what I need. And flirting for me is a common thing and a pleasant thing.

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#24

9000 moderately. Yes, and I have been married for five years, of course I want new sensations. March 24, 2016 I think that you can even kiss, but you don’t need to have sex, it will be too much.

#27

Guest

Honor and respect to you! But these hysterics with their love to the grave are simply touching. Then we will wait for them in the topics about mistresses, since all such stories begin with the words "we had such love!" Girls, when they leave you, it will be very bad for you! Why are you so lost in your men?

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#28

#29

9000 March 24, 2016, 15:24

#31

#32

#33

I answer) I answer) - Well, for example, I will ask for help at work, and he will answer, but will we kiss?

#34

mouse+

I have bad news for you. You are not only a faggot, but also a well-known frog :/ Other remarks of this kind in their address are not heard.

#35

#36

I answer) Flirt- for example, I will ask for help for work and it in response, will we kiss? I will answer, that in the next life I will definitely, or just smile) this is the very edge) but usually it can pass by, poke in the side, like hello) I would allow my husband about it. yes, sure! exactly, if within. let him also raise his self-esteem and come to my house. but it seems to me that men don’t restrain themselves, they just don’t flirt like that)

#37

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    • 9030

    #38

    #39

    , this is what you wrote, this children's. This is how I behave, a woman who has been married for five years - one constantly wears rafaelki to me, I kiss him on the cheek for this, we joke with the other, he hugs my waist and wrinkles my shoulders, with that first we even go to parties lips kissed and he pressed me strongly to him during a slow dance, but it hit the wine so much - that's all I consider harmless flirting.

    #40

    mouse +

    answering) flirting- well, for example, I will ask for help with work, and he will answer- and will we kiss?

    #41

    Guest

    I have bad news for you. You are not only a faggot, but also a well-known frog :/ Other remarks of this kind in their address are not heard.

    #42

    I almost always communicate with men by flirting. I can't do it otherwise.

    #46

    #47

    - will we kiss? I will answer - that in the next life it will be necessary, or I will just smile) "- it's even hard to imagine that I would allow this. Brrr...

    #48

    Guest

    class. Well, soon Cooney will be considered harmless flirting. *****. you'll forgive

    #49

    How was your father's attention and attitude as a child?
    And in adolescence relationships with boys?

    I am directly dependent on male attention and compliments, I am always happy, even if the same compliment was said many times before. It's like I forget or don't really believe in between them.
    So my dad was very strict with me when I was a child. He practically did not spend time with me, only scolded when he deserved it. We did not communicate separately, together, without the rest of the family members. He didn’t praise, didn’t give compliments, didn’t say that he loves me, that I’m beautiful / look good, but he could scold me for the length of the skirt. He loved me, maybe, after all, but he definitely didn’t know how to show this feeling.

    I think, perhaps, with my flirting, I make up for the lack of male attention in childhood.

    #50

    Guest

    Girls who like to flirt and whose mood depends on male attention, TO YOU QUESTION: How was it in your childhood with the attention, attitude of your father? And in adolescence, relationships with boys? I am directly dependent on male attention and compliments, I am always happy, even if the same compliment was said many times before.

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