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Grief 3 months after death


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  • SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

    Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.

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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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Coping with the death of a loved one

This information will help you learn how to cope with grief and take care of yourself after the death of a loved one. We hope this material will help you and your family.

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Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss. Grief has psychological (mental), emotional and physical manifestations.

After the death of a loved one, you may experience shock or disbelief. Some people feel numb or feel like they are in a dream. There may be times when you feel sad, empty, or alone. You may even feel angry, guilty, or relieved. It is normal to experience several of these feelings at the same time.

Grief can also be accompanied by physical manifestations, including changes in appetite, weight, or habitual sleep patterns. You may have a headache or stomachache. In addition, you may find it difficult to think about returning to your daily activities or work. Some days you may have more energy than others. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Each person goes through this in their own way.

The first months after the loss can be the most painful, but feelings often change over time. Some people will tell you that the grief of losing a loved one has not left them for a year. In fact, there is no clear time frame for this feeling. Because of the nature of your relationship with your loved one, you may experience grief differently than other people.

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Coping with the death of a loved one

We will name a few things to keep in mind as time goes on.

Honoring the memory of a loved one

In various cultures and religions there are rituals to honor the memory of a person after his death. Sometimes families create their own rituals, such as lighting candles or a special family meal. You may want to honor the memory of a loved one in a special, meaningful way for you. It is also possible that you would like to honor a loved one more openly. This could be an Internet posting in memory of the deceased, a memorial plaque, or a tree planted in the garden. All this will contribute to the formation of a sense of community and kinship. You may want to discuss with your spirit guide, friends, and family how you would like to honor a loved one. Whatever you choose, remember that there is no right or wrong way to honor a loved one.

How to manage your personal belongings

Your loved one's clothes and personal belongings may have special meaning to you. Some people feel an urgent need to empty cabinets and shelves immediately after the death of a loved one. Others keep everything as it was before the loss. You may find solace in your loved one's clothes or books. You can also give these things to relatives and friends. These decisions can only be made by you. Do not rush to decide something and do what will be most acceptable for you and for your family.

Connecting with family and friends

Relatives and friends can support you during this time. However, they will have their own feelings and reactions related to the death of a loved one and your grief. Some people don't know what to say to a grieving person. They may say something tactless or rude when trying to sympathize. Your needs may not always be clear to your partner or your relatives or friends. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk about your needs, even when it's difficult. If you're not ready to talk, you might find it easier to write an email or send a text message. You can also ask a friend or relative to help you connect with others during this period.

Making decisions

You may find it difficult to make decisions at the moment. For this reason, after the loss of a loved one, it may be better to postpone important matters for a few months or a year. These issues include moving, moving to a new job, or reviewing financial affairs. You may find it helpful to seek advice from friends and family when it comes time to make these decisions.

Holidays and anniversaries

Various significant dates will come, such as anniversaries, birthdays and holidays, which will remind you of the loss. It can be hard for you to celebrate these days for the first time without a loved one. Planning ahead will help make them a little easier.

You may want to mark these days differently this time. One option might be to revise old family traditions or establish new ones. You may find comfort in socializing with friends and family, or you may prefer to do things alone. Whatever your decision, remember that there is no right or wrong way to spend these days. Try to do what is most acceptable to you.

How to help a child cope with loss

The death of a loved one affects children of all ages. If you have children who are bereaved, you may want to protect them from the sadness you are experiencing. However, it is important to be aware of what happened and recognize that all children will experience loss in their own way.

How your children experience grief depends on their age, on their concept of death, and on the behavior of others who serve as an example for children. However, it is important to be honest with them about what happened, using age-appropriate language. Phrases such as "no longer with us" or "passed away" may be incomprehensible to young children. They may experience grief in different ways and at different times. Be honest with your children and answer their questions. This will help them feel your love and protection, as well as the participants in your joint work to return to normal life.

If you have difficulty communicating with children, ask a family member, friend or professional social counselor for help. A Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) social worker can give you more information about support services for you and your family.

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Personal care

Grief can cause mental, physical and emotional distress. It is important to pay attention to your needs. During this period, self-care may not be the main thing for you. You may be focused on caring for other family members. You may even feel guilty about paying attention to yourself. Allowing yourself to take care of yourself and taking the time to do so will help you deal with the loss.

Here are some examples of how you can take care of yourself when dealing with the death of a loved one.

Find time for yourself

Each of us takes care of ourselves in our own way. Some people benefit from physical activity, such as walking or exercising. Others prefer socializing with friends and relatives, or sharing meals and conversations. You can learn new skills like cooking or gardening. By taking the time to find new ways to comfort and enjoy yourself, you can recover from grief faster.

Build a support system

Grieving alone can be very difficult. It is important to create a support system for you and your family. This may include:

  • spending time with friends and family;
  • participation in a support group;
  • seeking advice from specialists;
  • Volunteer work or participation in community activities.

It is important to maintain open communication with those who support you. Talking to them about your experiences will help you stay connected while you grieve.

Recognize the need for professional help

Some people may feel overwhelmed by grief if their feelings do not change over time or if they become more difficult. If you have been experiencing these feelings for 6 months or longer since the death of a loved one, you may need to consider getting additional support.

Here are some signs that you need professional help:

  • you are deeply sad and feel that life has lost its meaning;
  • you lost interest in what you liked, or stopped enjoying it;
  • you avoid social events;
  • you find it difficult to make decisions or solve everyday tasks;
  • you are unable to care for yourself or your children, or neither;
  • you have trouble sleeping or eating, or both;
  • you experience strong feelings of guilt, regret or anger;
  • you have developed bad habits, such as alcohol or drug abuse;
  • you have thoughts of suicide or harming yourself.

Various MSK counselors can help you. These include social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, spirit guides, mental health counselors, and art and music therapists. A counselor can help you cope with changing your outlook on life, taking care of yourself and your family, and doing your daily activities.

We cannot prevent death, but with time, patience, and support, we can learn to deal with loss. Most importantly, we can find ways to find meaning in life again.

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Resources

MSK offers a range of resources for grieving families and friends. For more information on the resources listed below, visit www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/counseling-support/support-grieving-family-friends.

To find out about bereavement services at MSK, contact your healthcare provider or the Department of Social Work's Bereavement Program. Call 646-888-4889 or send an email to [email protected].

Department of Social Work Bereaved Support Program
646-888-4889
[email protected]
The Department of Social Work's bereaved support program includes free telephone consultations, support groups, and educational lectures, and recommends local social assistance resources for the community. Social workers for oncological (cancer) patients provide qualified assistance in solving the psychological, social and spiritual problems that arise in those who experience loss. They can also help solve practical problems for bereaved persons, their families and friends.

MSK Counseling Center
646-888-0100
Some grieving families find that specialist advice has helped. Our psychiatrists and psychologists work at the bereavement clinic, where they provide counseling and support to individuals, couples and families. They may also prescribe medications to help you get out of your depression.

Spiritual Support
212-639-5982
Our chaplains are available to listen and support family members, pray and reach out to local clergy or religious groups. They can also simply comfort and lend a hand of spiritual help. Anyone can apply for spiritual support, regardless of their religion.

Integrative Medicine Service
646-449-1010
Our Integrative Medicine Service offers patients a variety of treatments in addition to conventional medical care and emotional support services. Our services include music therapy, mind/body therapy, dance, movement and touch therapy, yoga, exercise and meditation classes. These services can help bereaved people cope with possible physical and emotional distress.

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Five stages of grief - truth or myth?

  • Claudia Hammond
  • BBC Future

Denial, anger, compromise, depression and acceptance. Is it true that a person experiencing the pain of loss goes through certain stages? Let's look at the research data.

image copyrightMilan Popovic / Unsplash

"Tosca is a place we don't know until we visit it ourselves. We realize that loved ones can die, but we don't know exactly what awaits us in the first days and weeks after losses".

These are the words of the American writer Joan Didion, who described her feelings in the first year after the death of her husband in an extremely emotional confession "The Year of Magical Thinking".

The theory of five stages of grief - denial, anger, compromise, depression and acceptance - is firmly rooted in popular culture.

Articles are written about her and remembered in serials, and the artist Damien Hirst created a series of paintings, calling them the acronym "DABDA" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).

How long each stage lasts is not specified, but it is believed that all of them must pass in a certain sequence.

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studied the disposition of children to parents) and Colin Murray-Parks.

Researchers interviewed 22 widows and identified four stages of grief: numbness, searching and longing, depression and rethinking.

The modern classification was developed by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked with terminally ill patients and asked about their near-death experiences.

Kübler-Ross, by the way, radically changed the attitude towards palliative medicine and raised the question of the doctor's responsibility not only for the health of patients, but also for how they live their last days.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

How does a terminally ill person feel?

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Podsast 9000 In the early 2000s, Yale University researchers first took up this topic.

Over the course of three years, they interviewed 233 bereaved people (usually a wife or husband). The interviews were conducted approximately six, eleven and nineteen months after death.

The researchers did not look at cases of violent death of a relative or complex grief reactions.

The picture they got was more complex than the five-stage hypothesis. The researchers found that the most common emotion was acceptance, while denial was not experienced by everyone or to the same extent.

The second strong emotion was longing, and a depressed state accompanied all stages, and it was more pronounced than anger.

In addition, the emotional stages did not change each other in a clear sequence. A person in the third stage of grief could, for example, experience acceptance rather than anger.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

A popular theory is that when we experience grief, we go through five successive stages.

Longing for the deceased can last for years, but in the end, most people cope with grief.

For ethical reasons, the first interviews were conducted only a month after death, and therefore the researchers did not have an accurate picture of what a person feels in the first days and weeks after the loss.

Later, a study of people's reactions to violent death was conducted, but its participants were mainly students who lost more distant relatives than their spouse.

A strict sequence of stages was also not confirmed, although acute mental pain was more characteristic of the first stage, and acceptance - the last. However, unlike in the previous study, the scientists did not follow the reactions of one person over a long period of time.

Another study showed that older people experience loss differently.

George Bonanno of Columbia University observed elderly couples before and after the death of one of the spouses. He found that 45% of people did not feel severe pain either immediately after the death of their other half, or later.

10% of widowers and widows even felt some relief. People showed resilience and were able to cope with grief.

Bonanno's latest study in 2012 also disproved the idea of ​​stages of grief.

However, whatever the results of the research, the theory of five stages of grief is attractive in a certain sense, because it gives people hope for gradual relief.

Ruth David Koenigsberg, author of The Truth About Grief, notes that the five-stage theory forces certain feelings on people.

"It calms those who have similar emotions, but makes those who experience the death of loved ones differently feel guilty," Koenigsberg writes.

Image copyright, Unsplash

Image caption,

Everyone experiences loss in their own way

"A person may think that something is wrong with him, that he does not feel what he should feel," the author adds.

However, research clearly shows that there is simply no "correct" way to mourn a loved one.

Learn more