Good books for relationships

5 Relationship Books Everyone Should Read

Written By Mark Manson – filed under Dating Advice | Relationships

Here’s something you may or may not expect: I drown in fucking emails. I know everyone says that. Everyone gripes about their overflowing inbox. But I’m serious here. Every time I log in, I’m like a kid in a pool who forgot he’s wearing a floaty: it’s just pure unadulterated panic. I get up to 1,000 emails per week. And that’s not counting spam. That’s 1,000 relevant emails that need to at least be acknowledged.

Roughly half of those 1,000 emails are from readers. Reader email comes in all sorts of varieties. You have fan mail (which is always appreciated, thanks). You have the haters. You have the weirdos. You have the thinly-veiled sales pitches. But most reader emails I get are looking for one thing: advice.

But here’s something else you may or may not expect: the vast majority of reader emails looking for advice involve some sort of relationship problem. Despite the fact that 80% of my writing has nothing to do with relationships, people with achy hearts seem to always find their way to me.

Most of the questions run along the same themes: one person loves someone more than they’re loved back; one person is treating the other poorly and no one knows what to do about it; one person wants out but doesn’t know how to say it. Most of the questions are dull to anyone who is not living them. They involve arguments about the dog and money and kids. They involve a cranky mother-in-law or a guy who doesn’t mow the lawn enough. They almost never involve orgies or cross-dressing or broken furniture… almost.

What’s fascinating about relationship problems is that people tend to think their problems are entirely unique and singular. The emails might as well open up with, “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS MARK, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE UNIVERSE.” Yet, all of the situations are almost identical. In some cases, comically so.

The problem is, I don’t know the person emailing me. And I certainly don’t know their partner. I don’t know their family. I don’t know their dog. So, it becomes difficult for me to comment with any certainty or authority. This emailer is saying his wife is a total bitch because she doesn’t floss after sex. But little did I know that she’s been begging him for years to trim his pubes.

OK, weird example…

Anyway, in a never-ending effort to stymie the flood of emails in my inbox (you must understand), and in an effort to help people help themselves, here are some of the best/most important books on relationships that I’ve come across.

And if you’ve come here from an email reply to your romantic dilemma, just know: I love you and while you may be special and unique and extraordinary… your problem totally isn’t. Good luck.

Getting the Love You Want

by Harville Hendrix

What You’ll Learn: Why all your relationships seem to be fucked up in the exact same way. Why you keep dating people who act like your mother/father. Why most of your fights are about stupid and silly-seeming shit that you just can’t let go of.

Why It’s Good: I read Getting the Love You Want about 10 years ago and it blew me away. We are all vaguely aware of the Freudian idea that we end up dating our mothers/fathers and are doomed to repeat our childhood traumas in our adult relationships. But, at the same time, that idea has always felt like some superstitious bullshit. But then you grow up and get into a serious relationship and you start noticing that your partner leaves crap all over the house just like your dad did and holy fuck does it drive you insane because it reminds you of the chaos and unpredictability of your childhood and the point I’m trying to make is THAT IF YOU FUCKING LOVED ME YOU WOULD KNOW WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR KEYS GODDAMNIT!

Enter: Harville Hendrix. Hendrix gives an actual, logical, reasonable-sounding explanation for why our relationships rub against our sorest places so much. Basically, our interactions with our parents draw our “emotional maps” of what love means, what acceptance feels like, what being a good person is, etc. These maps then filter who we’re attracted to as an adult. We experience intense chemistry with some people because they, unbeknownst to us, reflect back our definitions of love, acceptance, compassion, and so on. Next thing you know, you’re sleeping with a chick who does all the same shit your mom did.

While knowing your parents’ fucked up definitions of love doesn’t necessarily fix anything, it does give you a bit of a roadmap to help you navigate your own love life. In fact, Hendrix calls these our “emotional maps.” We’ve all got them. And we all suck at reading them. So he’s here to help us.

What Kind of Break Up It Might Prevent: Repeating your parents’ divorce.

Hold Me Tight

by Sue Johnson

What You’ll Learn: How to not make your relationship problems worse; when to shut the fuck up and listen to your partner; how to not be such a selfish asshole? Maybe? (OK, maybe not. )

Why It’s Good: Sue Johnson is the originator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) which has apparently won the Olympic gold medal for “therapeutic method that unfucks the most relationships”. Out of all of the forms of couples therapy and marriage counseling, EFT apparently has the highest hit rate of them all.

So what was Sue Johnson’s big breakthrough? It’s one of those things that sounds so obvious in hindsight, yet it somehow eluded psychologists for, oh, like 100 years.

Johnson realized that romantic relationships were largely driven by unconscious emotions and desires (sidenote: duh). The arguments and memories and identities–i.e., what most people focus on–in each person were therefore secondary to the underlying emotional pain. Johnson then had the brilliant idea of saying screw all that other stuff, if these are emotional problems, let’s try to find emotional solutions, and voila! People stopped hating each other as much.

Hold Me Tight is a great run through of a) the emotional patterns that emerge when we’re hurt and experiencing relationship problems, and b) the conversations we can have to help heal those patterns. It’s an easy read. And also wildly popular. It’s my go-to recommendation for any relationship that is on the ropes.

What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent: The kind where you talk shit about your ex for the next six years because you have tons of emotional baggage you never unloaded.

7 Principles That Make Marriage Work

by John Gottman

What You’ll Learn: That fighting is natural. That not all issues need to be resolved. That the silent treatment is often as bad (or worse) than screaming your throat out. Basically, this book is a great primer on what actually makes a relationship work.

Why It’s Good: Gottman is like the Marco Polo of relationship research. He set off into territories unknown and brought quantifiable metrics and scientific rigor to an exotic academic subject: relationships. Before Gottman, all we had was grandma wisdom and the fucked up shit that Freud said. But Gottman trail-blazed his way to some of our first solid academic answers about what makes a relationship work and what causes them to break.

Gottman is most famous for studying conflict in relationships and developing a system where he could predict whether a couple would last another five years with something like 90% accuracy. Along the way, he’s uncovered all sorts of counterintuitive findings about what makes a relationship work in the long-term. He’s great.

Gottman’s written a bunch of relationship books but I found this to be the most accessible and best-written. It’s also his most popular. Whereas Hold Me Tight is about how to fix things once they’re broken, 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work explains how to avoid breaking things in the first place.

What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent: A really dramatic episode involving broken dishes and dented soup cans. If it ends, you’ll know it ended for the best.

5 Love Languages

by Gary Chapman

What You’ll Learn: A simple tool for understanding how people express and receive love. (SPOILER ALERT: Not everyone expresses or receives love in the same ways!)

Why It’s Good: 5 Love Languages is like the Harry Potter of relationship books: everyone’s read it (or they lie and say they’ve read it) and Gary Chapman is living in a secluded $100 million castle somewhere wiping his ass with royalty checks. This book has sold more copies than anyone knows what to do with, and it’s easy to see why: Short book. Simple premise. Powerful idea. And that idea sticks because it’s incredibly useful.

The idea is that people express and receive love in different “love languages.” Physical touch, verbal affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and quality time. A lot of problems in relationships occur because one person is giving love in one language (lots of gifts, verbal compliments) and the other is looking for love in another language (quality time, physical touch). As a result, the person giving the love feels unappreciated and the person looking for love feels, well, unloved.

I just summarized like half the book in that paragraph. But it’s worth grabbing. It’s like $6 on Amazon and can be read cover-to-cover in a single afternoon. But the ideas will stick with you for a lifetime. When my wife and I moved in together, I bought her a copy and we’ve had a number of conversations about our love languages ever since. It really is amazing how useful the concept is.

What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent: The relationship might not work out, but at least you’ll never complain that your ex never did anything for you… okay, let’s be real, you’ll probably still complain.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

What You’ll Learn: I know it sounds like a “yo, pick up moar chicks, brah” book, but most of the first third of it is about how to develop emotional maturity and basically get your shit together and be a better human being.

Why It’s Good: OK, I know it’s awkward to hype my own shit. But this is my site, my article, so fuck it. I’m hyping my own shit! Besides, Models has been the bestselling men’s dating book for like six years running. Women and LGBT people have also read it and said they love it.

Seriously though, the reason the book has stuck around so long is because it addresses the emotional experience of dating–how we tend to idealize people; how we are often motivated by insecurity; how our desperation sabotages our relationships before they begin–and then walks people through how to level up their emotional game. The book is entirely devoid of “lines” or “tactics” mostly because… well, when you’re honest about who you are and what you want, there’s no need for lines or tactics. When you live a life of honesty and integrity, dating merely becomes a matter of a) developing yourself into someone that you’re proud to share, and b) developing the courage to share it. That’s it!

What Kind of Break Up It Will Prevent: Ideally it will help you pick the right person to begin with so the break ups won’t be necessary. When in doubt: Polarize!

10 Best Relationship Books 2023

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Expert advice on how to be the best partner you can be.

By Lizz Schumer

Jan 27, 2022

courtesy

Maybe it's because I'm a writer myself, but I always seek answers to problems, solace in times of trouble and advice from smarter people than me between the pages of a book (or 10. What can I say, I love research). That includes seeking help for the best way to deal with the ins and outs of relationships, including marriage. You know, how to live peacefully with someone who hangs the toilet paper wrong, techniques to argue without storming off and slamming doors at the end, what to do when the two of you have very different love languages and why it is that we want to strangle the people we love most in the world sometimes. Whether you've been married for 50 years or just dating for one, and whether your relationship is on solid ground or needs a lifeboat to pull you back to shore, the best relationship books can help give you a little perspective and expert guidance on living your best paired-off life.

And because no two partnerships are the same, the genre varies widely in approach and target audience too. This list includes a selection of reading material that's appropriate for different life stages, types of relationships and approaches, so you're sure to find something that will give you some tools to try. And because some of these aren't exactly what we'd call light reading, hop over to our GH Book Club for a feel-good read to balance out all that education.

The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work by Eli J. Finkel

Dutton

$29 AT AMAZON

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Northfield Publishing

Now 48% off

$8 AT AMAZON

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel

Harper

$58 AT AMAZON

Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships in 30 Days or Less by Susie Albert Miller

Morgan James Publishing

$15 AT AMAZON

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine. M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

Tarcher

$66 AT AMAZON

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver

Harmony

Now 15% off

$14 AT AMAZON

Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want by Alexander H. Solomon, PhD

New Harbinger Publications

Now 11% off

$16 AT AMAZON

Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward by Gemma Hartley

$18 AT AMAZON

Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls by Lindsay King-Miller

Plume

$17 AT AMAZON

Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy—A Polyamory Memoir by Rachel Krantz

Harmony

Now 40% off

$17 AT AMAZON

Lizz Schumer Senior Editor Lizz (she/her) is a senior editor at Good Housekeeping, where she runs the GH Book Club, edits essays and long-form features and writes about pets, books and lifestyle topics.

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Top 10 books about relationships and love

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Sue Johnson.

"Hug me tight"

Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru

M: Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2018

Sue Johnson is one of the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy. This direction of therapy helps to build a secure attachment and intimacy in a couple. Johnson herself compared it to a pair dance. nine0003

Most often, relationships deteriorate because people reproduce destructive scenarios. For example, during a quarrel, one of the partners pulls away, wants to be alone with himself and think about everything, while the other at this moment feels abandoned. From the feeling of abandonment, resentment and fear for the relationship deepens. I want to "catch up" with a partner, to reach out to him. This only increases the misunderstanding, which provokes a new quarrel - the cycle closes, the scenario can be repeated from time to time.

"Hold Me Tight" is a guide on how to recognize and deal with such scenarios. This is the foundation for building healthy relationships to start with. nine0003

"Hug me tight." Sue Johnson

Marina Travkova. “Infidelity”

M: “Bombora”, 2021

You can get completely different answers to the question about attitudes towards treason. Someone will say that betrayal is a betrayal that cannot be forgiven. Someone - that everyone changes, just some do not hide it carefully enough. There is a position “men are polygamous and women are monogamous”. Who is right?

Sex therapist Marina Travkova explains why cheating happens, despite the fact that it can cause pain and destroy relationships. How both partners often unknowingly invest in cheating. And, finally, what to do if you stumbled upon the erotic correspondence of your husband or you were told bare facts in the forehead. nine0003

"Infidelity". Marina Travkova

Amir Levin. Matching

M: Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2020

Do you like a scientific approach to relationships? Then you will love this book! It draws on attachment theory developed by the psychoanalyst John Bowlby.

Attachment is formed between a child and a parent (or guardian) in the first years of life. How this happens determines all our future relationships. Bowlby identified three types of attachment:

- Reliable

This is a healthy type of attachment that occurs when a child feels secure from the first years of life. He trusts the parent and is not afraid of the world. In relationships, securely attached people build intimacy calmly, don't fear rejection, and don't try to overly control their partner.

— Avoidant

From the outside it seems that these people do not need relationships at all - they are so self-sufficient and cold. In childhood, they may have suffered from overprotection or misunderstanding on the part of the parent, so closeness for them is associated with insecurity. nine0003

— Anxious

Intolerance to loneliness, jealousy, self-doubt are signs of an anxious type of attachment. It is formed if a person has experienced the loss of parents, separation from them or lack of attention.

Matching Together helps you identify your relationship patterns and (if you wish) change them.

"We match each other." Amir Levin

Berry and Janey Weinhold. "Liberation from codependency"

M: "Klass", 2002

Initially, psychologists understood codependency as only a relationship with a person suffering from addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction. The term is now used more broadly and applied to relationships in which people give up their own needs and focus entirely on the other person. But this does not benefit anyone, but only destroys both.

Many people think that codependency is incurable. The authors of this book, using practical examples, show that this is not so. If you analyze the reasons for the formation of codependency, as well as systematically change the model of behavior, you can learn to build completely different relationships. nine0003

Breaking Free from Codependency is a set of specific instructions and tests to help track progress. In addition, the book contains stories from the psychological practice of the authors: what requests did clients make to them, how was the therapy going, and what was achieved.

"Release from codependency". Berry Weinhold, Janey Weinhold

Daniel Wile. After the Honeymoon

M: Alpina Publisher, 2017

This book is not just for couples. It is dedicated to that period in a relationship when bright love subsided and we see each other with all the shortcomings, the difference in habits and interests. If you notice that after a couple of years the relationship ceases to please, it's not that no one is right for you. It can be fixed. nine0003

It is commonly believed that an ideal marriage is when you do not quarrel, understand each other perfectly and always agree on everything. But often the couples who make that impression are the ones who suffer the most. In intimacy between two people, conflicts inevitably arise. And this is not bad - they give us a chance to better understand each other. It is during difficult periods that the deepest intimacy is built in a couple, which should replace falling in love, says Daniel Wyle.

"After the honeymoon". Daniel Wyle

Esther Perel. Always Welcome

M: Mann, Ivanov & Ferber, 2020

Psychotherapist Esther Perel explores the topic of sex in long-term relationships. Always Desirable is a reissue of her bestselling book Captive Breeding. How to reconcile eroticism and everyday life.

We are looking for a relationship of trust, stability and intimacy. And when we get it, we get bored. It is boredom and predictability that most often lead to betrayal - you want not just physical intimacy, but novelty and intrigue. nine0003

Esther Perel came to the conclusion that sexual desire requires distance between partners. Interest flares up when we look at a person as if from afar. And it is very difficult to constantly want someone whom you know from beginning to end, whom you see every day, with whom you will definitely fall asleep and wake up the next morning. And also life, household duties, raising children.

The problem seems to have no solution: after all, if desire requires distance, then what about the intimacy and comfort of partnerships? Perel found the secret of how to keep wanting each other, even in long-term relationships, avoiding sexual boredom and cheating. nine0003

Always welcome. Esther Perel

Carl Rogers. Marriage and Its Alternatives

M: Eterna, 2006

Carl Rogers is the founder of client-centered therapy. This direction was a real breakthrough in psychotherapy: it put the client and the therapist on an equal footing, based on humanistic values and the belief that each person can change for the better.

"Marriage and Its Alternatives" - Rogers' discussion of love and relationships. There are no instructions, tips and radical point of view of the author. But there are many stories of different couples with whom Rogers worked. He analyzes all cases with his characteristic love for people and unconditional acceptance. Practical examples help to look at the development of relations from the outside and understand what destroys them, and what, on the contrary, strengthens them. nine0003

Marriage and its alternatives. Carl Rogers

Harvill Hendrix, Helen Hunt. "Love for Life"

M: "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2020

The authors of this book are a married couple of psychologists. Both already had an unsuccessful marriage behind them, which made me wonder: why even good, love-filled relationships are often destroyed?

Initially, it seems that “the love boat has crashed into everyday life”: people are immersed in household chores, their habits do not converge, and they begin to conflict. But Hendrix and Hunt came to the conclusion that more fundamental problems lie behind domestic quarrels. In relationships with a partner, we reproduce the patterns that we saw in childhood, even if they were destructive and painful. It's the only love we've learned. nine0003

In order to help couples change their core beliefs, the authors came up with imagotherapy. It is based on dialogue. By talking and discussing your relationship with your partner, you gain positive experience and gradually change the usual pattern. This helps to come to a conscious partnership - this is how the authors call an open and healthy type of relationship.

The book contains examples from therapeutic practice and exercises that can be done together with a partner.

"Love for life". Harville Hendrix, Helen Hunt

John Gottman. The 7 Principles for a Happy Marriage

M: AUDR, 2018

Love concrete charts and instructions backed by science? They also exist in the realm of relationships. The clear proof is the work of John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict the future of a couple by observing them for a few minutes.

Gottman worked with various families for several years, meeting with them once a year, conducting interviews and measuring physiological parameters. Based on this data, he deduced seven factors that help maintain a long happy marriage. He put emotional intelligence at the forefront - the ability to understand one's own and other people's emotions, share them, and express one's feelings for each other. nine0003

"7 principles of a happy marriage". John Gottman

Gary Chapman. "5 Love Languages"

M: "Visson", 2010

Imagine a couple experiencing relationship problems: both claim that the partner does not love them. She says: “He is always at work, sometimes on business trips. Yes, it's all for our well-being. But what is the use of this when you need a person just to be there? He replies: “I do everything so that she doesn’t need anything, and I don’t feel any reciprocal support at all.” The problem is that they have different "love languages". nine0003

According to Gary Chapman, love has five manifestations:

gifts;
words;
time spent together;
help;
touch.

By sharing this, we feel and express love. If the languages do not match, you can love your partner very much - but he will not feel it at all.

The good news is that the book simply and clearly explains how to start a conversation about problems, get to know each other better and reach a new level of understanding. Suitable even for those who do not like psychology and do not want to understand it. nine0003

"5 love languages". Gary Chapman

Tags: psychology , relationship , books

About love and relationships: 10 books that everyone should read

Lifestyle

Together with the MIF publishing house, we have collected ten excellent books about relationships that will help you maintain, build, survive and understand that the main thing is to be in harmony with myself.

Love for Life by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt

One of the most important relationship books in history. The legendary bestseller is based on 30 years of experience of authors-psychotherapists. Harvill and Helen made one of the most important discoveries in the field of relationship psychology: we are attracted to partners who are similar to the people who raised us. The authors' powerful method helps to revive love, create a sense of security, trust and connection. nine0003

To: For those who want to deal with existing conflicts and learn to avoid new ones.

"Made to Love" by Stan Tatkin

The main thing in your relationship is not you. And not your partner. The main thing is the relationship itself. Stan Tatkin, Ph.D., has combined neuroscience, attachment theory, and the biology of human arousal to come up with 10 principles for building strong relationships. Of course, every couple is unique. Love cannot be brought to automatism. But acting blindly and waiting for everything to work out by itself is definitely a bad strategy. nine0003

To: to anyone in the beginning of a relationship. To everyone who is going through a difficult period right now. Anyone who wants to improve relationships.

The Gap, Susan Elliott

After parting, we find ourselves in rugged terrain where it is difficult to navigate without a guide. Therefore, we feel scared - and strive to rush into a new relationship, or, conversely, lie low. This book is your roadmap. It will help you make the right decision and build new, and most importantly, healthy relationships. Susan Elliott, a psychologist, grief counselor, teaches you to endure losses, evaluate past experiences, and plan for the future. And, finally, to create your own positive and comfortable life from the present. It doesn't matter if you have a partner or not. nine0003

To: for those who are going through or have gone through a breakup or divorce. And for those who can not decide to end the relationship.

“Love Feeling”, Sue Johnson

In 2006, the Dalai Lama said, “I am now seventy-one years old. However, in the depths of my soul I feel my first experience of love, mother's care. I still feel. And this feeling gives me peace inside. The need for safe closeness is the most important human instinct throughout life. A book by clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson tells how the feeling of love is formed. It also explains why when we are rejected, the brain thinks we are in danger. nine0003

To: For those who are just starting a new relationship, are in a long-term relationship and want to keep it.

"Fit Together" by Amir Levin and Rachel Heller

Science can help you choose the right foods, exercise, and even sleep. Why not reach out to her to build a romantic relationship? The book is based on 25 years of research and has been translated into 18 languages. Thousands of readers have reviewed love affairs - current and those that have already ended. From the book, you will learn how the four types of attachment affect love and why relationships are easy for some and painful for others. Another cool bonus is that the book has tests to determine the type of attachment - one's own and one's partner. nine0003

To: for those who want to better understand what is happening with him and his partner, and learn how to build relationships in a way that brings joy.

"Being Together" by Debbie Tang

How is it to be together? It's not always easy and simple! In a relationship, we experience different emotions: we laugh and fool around, feel happy and worry about trifles, get angry when a partner does not understand us, and argue over the choice of a movie. Debbie Tang (best-selling author of Being an Introvert and Being a Book Lover) shows what love looks like every day. You will surely recognize yourself in the heroes: you will laugh, be sad, but most importantly, learn to cherish every moment lived together. nine0003

To: for those who want to immerse themselves in the warm, strange and funny atmosphere of daily love and acceptance of their soul mate.

Happiness Together, Belinda Luscombe

Belinda Luscombe has written for Time magazine for 20 years about relationships. And she actively practiced them: her marriage for almost 30 years. So she discovered six areas that cause the most problems - for everyone: intimacy, quarrels, finances, family, sex, mutual assistance. The book contains instructions for technical inspection of relationships. Is everything going as it should or is it time to "change the oil"? It contains many situations from family life in which you will surely recognize yourself, and tips to fix everything that is messing up. With a fair amount of humour. nine0003

To: for those who are ready to work on relationships and strive for mutual understanding and harmony in the family.

I want a baby by Lucille Gorse

French writer Lucille Gorse's comic book is based on a personal story. Once she and her husband were faced with the inability to conceive a child and decided to fight for their dream. The heroes will follow the same path: with endless visits to doctors and attempts to enjoy life no matter what. Lucille brought up a topic that is not customary to talk about. But she did it so delicately, with such honesty and humor, that we advise everyone to read it. And those who are faced with similar problems, and those who have never thought about them. nine0003

To: for those who are ready to work on relationships and strive for mutual understanding and harmony in the family.

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Another book by Sue Johnson. From it you will learn how to return affection, trust, intimacy to relationships, what is the main cause of family conflicts and why we ourselves destroy love. Anyone who is just looking for a couple will learn how to create harmonious ties from the first days of a relationship. The seven dialogues given by the author will tell you how to build a conversation with a partner if something goes wrong.

Learn more