Going no contact with narcissist
Setting Boundaries With Narcissist: No Contact Rule | by narsistsiz | Psychology & Self healing
Photo by David Sun from PexelsA few years ago, when I found out I was with a narcissist, I started making researches about a lot of things: How to change a narcissist, how to cure a narcissist, the reasons of narcissism, the results of narcissism and many other things…
I’ve witnessed a lot people who have been in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath (just like I have) writing blogs and sharing informative videos about narcissism. All of them mentioned one particular thing without exception: The No Contact Rule.
What is the No Contact Rule?
No contact rule is a strategy in order to cut ties with a narcissist, sociopath or other emotional manipulator. As the name suggests, it is about stopping all kinds of communication with the emotional manipulator and cutting all ties with them so that we can no longer interact in any way. For instance;
- Not facing the narcissist under any circumstances (whether you’re alone, in public or surrounded by friends).
- Not calling or texting or e-mailing the narcissist.
- Blocking the narcissist’s phone numbers and e-mail addresses, not answering calls from unknown numbers and if necessary changing your phone number.
- Blocking and removing all the social media accounts belonging to the narcissist (in fact, deactivating your own accounts as well if you’re worried about the narcissist finding a way to follow you anyway or if you’re worried you might continue checking their profiles).
- Changing your passwords.
- If your mutual friends are unable to see the true colors of the narcissist, cutting them off your life.
- Not sharing any private information with those you’re going to continue seeing (so that the narcissist cannot receive any information about you) and preventing them from telling you anything about the narcissist.
- Avoiding all places you might see the narcissist in, trying not to go anywhere near their house or workplace or the other places the narcissist often goes to.
Despite all this, the narcissist may insist on getting in touch with you. They can appear right in front of your house, school or workplace most unexpectedly. They can continue harassing you by sending you gifts or flowers. In this case, try to continue practicing the no contact rule and avoid overreacting. If possible and necessary, you can get a restraining order.
When I first read about no contact rule, it sounded quite exaggerated and unnecessary to me. I thought, “why should we completely remove a person from our lives? After all, we shared so many things in the past, shouldn’t we at least be able to say ‘hello’ if we ever run into each other again?” I also thought that “pretending that someone never existed is so immature!” But all these thoughts were caused by the fact I was still denying the systematic emotional and psychological abuse I’ve been through.
Why Do We Need the No Contact Rule?
There’s a huge difference between breaking up with a narcissist and breaking up with an emotionally healthy individual.
Leaving a narcissist is such a difficult as well as a dangerous process. Narcissists feel rejected when somebody tries to set boundaries between them or end the relationship all together. They can’t accept breakup the way a normal person would. They can do anything to keep you, in other words, their narcissistic nutritional source.
How Do Narcissists React When You Try to Cut off Communication With Them?
- They can go back to the idealization phase (for a time).
In order to win you back, they can pretend to be a good and attentive partner all over again. They can talk about how much they love you, how impossible it is for them to live without you. They can give you empty promises and remind you of the good old days. In this phase, you’re likely to receive some nice gifts and compliments.
If you ever face such situation, please remember that it won’t always be like this and that things will go back to being abusive and toxic once the danger of losing you passes.
Besides, no matter how good the idealization phase might make one feel, if you take a step back and observe the situation you can see how shallow, artificial and even aggressive it looks.
If the “good side” of the narcissist confuses you too much and prevents you from leaving them, I recommend you to to check my articles titled “Why Does the Narcissist Want You Back?” and “The Two Faces of a Narcissist” as well.
2. They can try to make you feel guilty.
They can remind you of your past mistakes (or the things that looked like mistakes to them) as well as the good things they’ve done for you (in an exaggerated way). They can tell you things like you’re taking them for granted, you’re too selfish and that you can never find someone like them. When we’re accused, we can react in several different ways:
- We can show empathy. We can decide that they have a point, and try to take some responsibility.
- We can think that we’re being wrongly accused and try to explain ourselves to them.
- We can get angry and react aggressively.
No matter how we react to these accusations, it will serve the narcissist well. For narcissists, there’s no difference between a good and bad reaction. In any case, they see that they still have control over us, and that they can still influence our emotions and thoughts one way or another. What we need to do is to remain calm and fight the urge to defend ourselves.
3. They can try emotional blackmail and slander.
They can tell that nobody will believe you, your word holds no value against theirs, everyone is going to see what kind of a person you are, you are nothing without them, you’ll be completely alone without them and so on. They can also start talking behind your back to make sure people really don’t believe a word you say.
Again, you need to remain calm. People around you either believe the narcissist or don’t. What you need to focus on is not the opinions of other people.
You need to practice the no contact rule as if your whole sanity depends on it, because it does!
4. They can completely discard you.
Even though it’s a small chance, they might not care about losing you especially if they’re an over narcissist. They can say that you didn’t deserve them anyway, or that you weren’t worthy of them. They can tell others that they were the one who ended the relationship or start flaunting about with someone new right after ending it with you.
Even though this looks quite annoying, this is actually the most fortunate outcome.
The Things You Might Feel While Trying to Cut Ties With the Narcissist
If you’ve found yourself in a narcissistic relationship, you’re likely to have some psychological and spiritual problems such as; trauma bonding, fear of loneliness and abandonment, lack of self-confidence and self-love etc. And considering the trauma bonding between you two, cutting the narcissist out of your life completely can seem extremely difficult at first.
At the very beginning of the no contact rule, you can doubt and question yourself quite frequently and feel the urge to give them another chance in order to reduce the anxiety you’re suffering from. No matter how hard it is you should try to fight the urge to see them again and maintain the no contact rule. During this time period, you should surround yourself with people you can trust, and stay away from those who wouldn’t understand the situation you’re in. Besides, you can write down all the poor treatment, abuse and lies you’ve suffered from and read it all whenever you feel like you’re wavering. Educating yourself on narcissistic abuse and manipulation tactics will also help you see the ordeal you went through much clearer.
For How Long Should We Stay Away from the Narcissist?
Forever!
No contact rule isn’t something you should practice temporarily. We don’t use no contact rule in order to take revenge on the narcissist, to make them suffer, to force them to change or to miss us and regret what they’ve done to us.
If you have such plans, try to see how narcissistic and controlling these urges are.
And practicing no contact rule does not necessarily mean you’re completely over it, that you’re free of your traumas and have healed. The initial goal is not to cut the narcissist out of our lives, but to realize the insecurities that left us vulnerable against narcissists in the first place so that we may never go through the same ordeal again.
The goal is to get rid of the poison in our systems, to protect ourselves against narcissistic abuse and regain the control of our own lives.
https://narsistsiz.com/setting-boundaries-with-narcissist-no-contact-rule/
References:
Psychologia. “Narcissists and the No Contact Rule”. https://psychologia.co/narcissist-no-contact/.
Mindcology. “How To Go “No Contact” With A Narcissist”. Access 3 September, 2018. https://mindcology.com/narcissist/going-no-contact-with-a-narcissist/.
My Other Articles On The Subject:
Why does the narcissist want you back?
Narcissists and other manipulators can try to win you back even after you cut them out of your life. In fact, they can…
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The Two Faces of A Narcissist
You’ve probably heard about the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. While Dr. Jekyll is the embodiment of all things good…
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Why is Leaving Them So Hard? Getting Attached to the Narcissist
At some point, you found out that you’re with a narcissist. You finally accepted that your relationship is abusive. You…
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No Contact With A Narcissist – 7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
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The turmoil of a topsy-turvy (read: toxic) relationship can hamper your mental state, sometimes even leading you to a state of burnout. When you decide to cut ties and initiate no contact with a narcissist, they may react in extreme ways that you may not be prepared for.
As you can probably guess, how narcissists react to no contact borders on toxicity, often even crossing that line. When the source of their validation and admiration is challenged, they find it extremely difficult to accept and cope with the loss.
If you’ve decided to establish no contact with a narcissist, knowing what’s in store can help you figure out what your next steps need to look like. In a nutshell, you’ve got to make sure you follow the no-contact rule religiously, not even breaking it to reinforce it. Let’s take a look at all you need to know.
Narcissists And The No Contact Rule
Table of Contents
First things first, let’s understand what the no-contact rule is. As the name suggests, it’s when you completely cut off all communication with a person, with the intent to move on and begin your journey toward healing.
Though the definition is fairly simple, the execution is not. Cutting off contact with someone you care deeply about may seem impossible but it’s pretty much the only way to learn how to live without the person you now want to leave behind.
When you use no contact, narcissists react in unfavorable ways. They’ll use toxic coercion techniques, desperately begging or trying anything that helps them get their fix of adoration back. Speaking on the subject, psychologist Devaleena Ghosh previously told Bonobology about the damaging way narcissists think.
“They have a peculiar sense of entitlement and believe that the world owes them something. It can also come as a disguise where they oscillate between blatant self-importance and victim-playing when they think they’re helpless souls who have got a raw deal in life. They need constant praise and adoration from their spouse at all times. They expect special treatment everywhere they go, and they expect their partners to cater to all their needs.”
And when someone with an outlandishly grandiose sense of self-importance (while also self-victimizing) is denied the care and attention they grew used to, it’s clear why the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated can border on toxic and can damage your mental health.
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It’s also extremely important to make sure that you use the no-contact rule for the right reasons. It is not a tactic to be used for manipulation, or for some sort of revenge. You mustn’t cut them off with the hope of inciting a scarcity mindset to win them back, and you mustn’t let them back when the begging eventually begins.
If you give in, you’re giving them another opportunity to walk all over you, as you know they will. Psychologist Pragati Sureka previously told Bonobology, “Someone who takes in any kind of misbehavior actually fans it. The prosecutor isn’t necessarily as tough or strong as they think. It’s just that they’re allowed to get away with a lot of things. As a result, the victim carries their weakness.”
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips On How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse
The things narcissists do when no contact is initiated might even stir up the empath in you, since seeing your former partner hurting isn’t easy to deal with.
At the end of the day, you’ve got to remind yourself of what they are. A former partner.
If there were ever a no-contact narcissist rulebook, the first step would be to get yourself acquainted with what’s potentially in store. Let’s take a look at the 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact, so you can begin your journey toward healing and move on from a toxic relationship.
7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
“Narcissists often react to criticism very badly. They’re absolutely closed to criticism in any form, even if it’s the most constructive one. That’s because they think they’re always right and superior to you,” Devaleena previously told Bonobology.
When their perceived superiority is questioned through indefinite no contact (yes, no contact is supposed to be forever), they start to act up. In this list of 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact, you’ll notice that their reaction is closely linked to the five stages of grief, just swinging in extremes.
Let’s get into it:
1. Denial & harassment
When you decide to cut all ties with a narcissist, you’re essentially telling them, “You’re not important to me, and you’re not going to get your fix of attention from me.” That’s something a narcissist just cannot accept.
As a result, they’ll ignore your boundaries (as they have in the past) and completely disregard the possibility of not being in touch. The only way to combat this is to reinforce it by not contacting them and blocking them from all possible communication channels.
Unfortunately, the no-contact narcissist may resort to harassment when their denial of your rejection doesn’t bear fruit. They may show up at your workplace, the places you frequent or may even start bothering your friends and family to get in touch with you.
2. How narcissists react to no contact: Desperation ensues
A narcissist may resort to desperate begging and love-bombingIn almost all cases, a no-contact narcissist will rely on love bombing and desperate attempts to win you back to get the dose of attention from you that they had grown so used to.
If you’re wondering if they miss you, they do, but not in a healthy way. They want their fix of adoration, love and admiration back, not you. They were in love with the concept of being admired, not you. They miss the relationship, not you.
As a result, you may see them get obsessed with you and beg for you to come back. Expect lavish gifts, extremely desperate attempts at communication and bombarding you with so-called kindness.
It’s important to understand that if you budge, you’ll only be letting them back in to be used all over again. According to Psych Central, narcissists often do everything in their power to get you back, but disregard you the minute you show commitment again.
Related Reading: 21 Ways To Tell You Have A Narcissistic Husband
3. Violent anger is a very real possibility
Of all the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated, this one might be the most threatening to your safety. “When arguing with a narcissistic partner, expect them to say provocative and abusive things because they are wired to do so,” psychologist Ridhi Golechha previously told Bonobology.
In such situations, it becomes incredibly important to have a support system ready. Make sure someone around you who you can trust is made aware of the situation, so you can have someone to rely on if need be. No contact with a narcissist may well put you in danger, especially since it’s expected that they’re going to show up at your workplace. Be prepared for the worst, make sure you have a response ready.
4. Self-victimization
In order to gain your sympathy and that of others, narcissists often tend to partake in self-victimizing behavior and mannerisms. They’ll make up emergencies to gain your sympathy. This is known as narcissistic hoovering and is a common manipulation tactic narcissists use to suck you back into the relationship.
As we mentioned, how narcissists react to no contact borders on toxicity. In such situations, it’s important to know that it’s okay to not respond when they make up emergencies or claim that they need you. Though it’s easy to see how sympathy may lead you to break no contact, narcissists often thrive on this technique so they can lure you back in.
Sympathy wasn’t what they were after in the first place.
5. Manipulation and gaslighting
Manipulation and gaslighting are common tactics you’ll see when you go no contact with narcissists. In an attempt to gain the superiority back over you again, they’ll try to turn the tables and convince you that you’re the one who did them wrong instead.
They’ll spread rumors about you, painting you as the villain. When given the chance, they’ll paint a new reality of the abuse that made you take this step, and their reality is often going to feature them as the victim.
When they invalidate your feelings and paint a new reality different than the one that took place, it’s what is known as gaslighting. A no-contact narcissist often resorts to this toxic manipulation method to suck you back in again.
Speaking on the subject, psychologist Anita Eliza previously told Bonobology, “Gaslighting in a relationship, simply put, means that your feelings and your reality are denied by the narcissistic person.
Some of the typical statements they use are, “Stop being sensitive, you are making an issue out of nothing,” or, “You are exaggerating it, it didn’t happen that way,” “You are overreacting, you need help”.”
6. They may find someone else
According to Psychology Today, it doesn’t take too long for a narcissist to get over a breakup. It may not seem like it when they’re obsessed with you and bombarding you with their love, but at the end of the day, they need to get their fix from somewhere.
A no-contact narcissist seeks other people while they’re also out chasing what they once had with you. They don’t take much time to heal from a breakup, since their belief that they’re superior to you literally makes it impossible for them to take this as a rejection.
It’s also not a case of them moving on. They tend to look at relationships as a means to an end, and their goal is to have their need for attention and adoration met. They don’t care much where it’s coming from.
As long as their ego is satisfied, their thirst is quenched.
Related Reading: Empath Vs Narcissist – The Toxic Relationship Between An Empath And A Narcissist
7. They may give you no-contact as well
Since their inflated ego cannot stomach the fact that you were the one who rejected them, they may downplay your importance in their life and cut off communication with you as well. In such cases, you’ll see them tell people that you never really mattered in their life in the first place and that they don’t care much.
Such actions stem from the belief that they’re superior to you and that you don’t get to have control over your decisions. You might have seen their perceived superiority whilst arguing with a narcissist. The no-contact narcissist makes themselves believe that you snapped contact with them because they allowed you to do so, and that’s the reality they’ll choose to believe in.
Now that you know the things narcissists do when no contact is initiated, hopefully, you’re in a better position to weather the storm.
Whatever happens, understand that this uphill battle leaves absolutely zero room for doubts. Once you’ve decided on what you must do, make sure you follow through.
If you’re currently breaking free of an abusive relationship with a narcissist and require help, Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors can help paint a path toward recovery.
FAQs
1. Does no contact work on narcissists?
No contact with narcissists often puts them in a spiral of toxic behavior. They will resort to love bombing, begging, self-victimization and other toxic methods to gain back your attention. In other cases, they may just disregard you and find someone else. So, yes, no contact definitely works on narcissists.
2. What happens when you stop talking to a narcissist?
When you stop talking to a narcissist, they’re unable to stomach the rejection and often act out in toxic ways.
They may disregard your boundaries, contact your friends and family and react in violent anger. They may make up false emergencies and try to gain your sympathy. They’ll hoover with you in an attempt to suck you back in through manipulation and gaslighting.
3. How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you
When a narcissist can’t control you, they either double down or find someone else. They try harder to establish control and paint you as the weaker one in the relationship. In other cases, they may try to look elsewhere.
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Kim Saeed. Why is it so important to cut contact with a narcissist?
Since you are reading this article, you are probably looking for arguments confirming that it is precisely the refusal of contact that is the best way to get out of a destructive relationship.
Perhaps you have already read some articles on this topic and were perplexed by conflicting information, or maybe you have not yet found materials that are consonant with what you are feeling at the moment.
You may have seen arguments like this before:
- Disconnection gives you an advantage and the opportunity to have the last word
- Disconnection is the most painful injury for a narcissist
- Disconnection satisfies your revengeful feelings
- This is a good way to punish a narcissist
- make a narcissist miss you
… the list goes on.
If you have been abused, abandoned and/or found out that your partner has been cheating on you, then the above arguments may sound convincing to you. However, none of them is a serious reason for breaking contact.
The best reasons to break contact are self-protection, healing, and the prospect of a life free of violence, filled with harmony and happiness.
What are the real benefits of breaking contact?
If you have already made attempts to break contact, but then changed your mind, then you have already seen that this will lead to absolutely nothing. You haven't found peace, your relationship hasn't improved, you haven't received an apology. The only person who has benefited from your renewed contact is the narcissist himself, who has thus established himself in his power over you, as well as in his own godlikeness, confirmed by the possibility of influencing you.
Think long term. If you stick to the no-contact policy and follow the path of healing, you will recover and ultimately be happy. If you change your decision to break off contact, then you will experience trauma all your life due to silent avoidance, dependence on someone else's will, betrayal, lies, exploitation and humiliating statements that undermine your vitality.
Renewing contact will never get you the approval and support you are looking for in a narcissist, because you are trying to renew contact in his interests.
In fact, the more you cooperate with the narcissist, the worse you will feel for a long time, while he himself will continue to devalue and rob you of self-confidence.
Renewal of contact, often initiated by the narcissist, can lead to severe depression. Sometimes his ex-partners commit suicide for the reasons mentioned above. Don't follow in their footsteps! If you feel that you cannot cope with suicidal thoughts, please find a qualified specialist or call the hotline.
How can you help yourself not to renew contact?
Here are some suggestions:
- Write (but don't send!) a letter to the narcissist confessing your feelings to him
- Describe your successes, thoughts and dreams in a diary
- Stop reading materials about narcissism, read more about the possibilities of self-healing
- Find resources on PTSD recovery, healing internal trauma, working with the Inner Child
- Find a coach, friend or mentor who will support you in your decision to go all the way.
Find a support group online, among your friends, or a therapy group dedicated to codependency issues
Recovery from abuse begins with breaking contact. There is simply no other way. Each person may require a different recovery time, and the length of this period is related to the responsibility of the person himself and his readiness for healing.
What else can you do today for a better tomorrow?
Kim Saeed
From: http://letmereach.com/2014/12/02/why-go-no-contact-with-the-narcissist/
Translation: Sirin (from SHRM)
Tags: kim saeed, narcissism, self defense
Kim Saeed. Overcoming Addiction to Narcissists - The Betty Ford Approach
You are discouraged. You are verbally abused, neglected, go through cycles of abuse faster than the moon goes around the earth, and finally you understand that a narcissist will never change.
You are trying to cut contact and keep telling yourself about it.
The phone rings. But you don't answer the phone. They leave you voice messages. You consider listening to him and convince yourself that you just want to know what else he has in mind to tell you.
Breaking contact goes to hell, because the narcissist's words take you to the skies. Your heart melts with pleasure - from the words "baby" and "I miss you." Your resolve has evaporated and you are looking forward to meeting the narcissist because he said so in a voicemail... you are gradually euphoric.
You are in an illusion, you feel much better because you believe that this time it will be different. This is the “narcissistic euphoria” effect, especially if your narcissist is somatic…and thus sexually attracted. Unfortunately, this false confidence is the result of the narcissist's drug intoxication and has nothing to do with reality. As soon as narcissist addicts jump off the euphoria, they begin to feel even worse about themselves than before, when they decided to return to the relationship in order to feel relief, but the relief becomes more and more short-lived each time.
If you are addicted to a narcissist, then you need to rehabilitate - and therefore, to break contact.
Clinic for Narcissistic Addiction
Breaking off contact means, in the first place, that you leave no opportunity for the narcissist to contact you. On the forums, you can find discussions about how partners of narcissists broke off contact, but suddenly received an SMS, email or voice message from him. This is not a "break in contact", this is a "no answer", and this does not change the situation in any way.
A real break in contact means that the narcissist cannot contact you at all. Not by phone, not by e-mail, not on social networks, not in fact, not on WhatsApp, not on Skype. If you claim to have cut off contact, but leave him the opportunity to contact you, it means that you still dream of him contacting you ... because you are still addicted.
What is the secret of breaking contact?
You must come to the decision that you have lost control of your life and take responsibility for it.
You are looking at the situation from the point of view of a narcissist. The narcissist looks down on the supplier; he considers him a lower being, weak and weak-willed, but at the same time he receives a narcissistic resource due to the generosity of his victim. The more the victim demonstrates his suffering, the better supplier he becomes for the abuser and the more power he feels over her. The stronger and more powerful the abuser feels, the stronger his verbal attacks. This “duality” allows the narcissist to say, “I hate you, but I won’t leave you or you will pay the price.”
He reacts to any improvement in your well-being as a threat of losing a resource supplier, so he perceives any demonstration of your independence as a mockery of himself. The narcissist will be merciless in devaluing. There are many ways to do this: through your own need for acceptance, your way of thinking, your body, sexuality, creativity, and so on. This is what causes outsiders to believe that you are willingly staying in a toxic relationship.
Even if you do succeed in breaking up with the narcissist, there is a high chance of future re-victimization; the likelihood that you will become the object of attention of another narcissist, because narcissists will be able to play on your vulnerabilities. That is why before you enter into a new relationship, you must definitely work on yourself and heal.
Look inside yourself boldly and dispassionately.
Would you find it disgusting what you put up with from your partner if it was done to someone else?
What does your partner do when you express your feelings? Ridicules you (sometimes in front of other people), shames and blames you, withholds support or resources if you do not live up to his claims, devalues your work, condemns and criticizes, devalues, lies, confuses and/or yells angrily.
I'm sure he does just that. That is why you are reading this post. Look around and ask yourself: why are you here? Why do you allow someone to put you in this place? Someone who speaks words of love but at the same time shows contempt for you? It's not love.
.. it's an act of possession, and it takes power over you.
One of the reasons we stay with an abusive partner is that deep down we are in a state of constant expectation that he will recognize our value and tell us about it, but this never happens. Take back your dignity...love yourself and don't let anyone abuse your feelings.
Try to establish conscious contact with higher powers and your divine essence through prayer and/or meditation.
God/Universe did not bring you into this world to be bullied. Every time you allow yourself to be abused by your partner, you are abusing a divine being. You are a divine creation. Start looking at yourself that way.
It is not easy to break contact and leave someone with whom you have been connected. You have developed an emotional and biochemical addiction to it. But your partner will not change. If you want a different life for yourself, you must bracket out the part of the equation that includes your abuser. Instead, love yourself, and in the end you will find the life and love you want.
