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Toxic positivity: how herd thinking prevents us from being sad and why it is bad

Staying optimistic is not possible in all circumstances, and denying yourself negative emotions can be counterproductive and dangerous for the psyche. Sometimes the best thing you can do is panic, complain, and be a pessimist.

Phrases with which we encourage those close to us to have a positive attitude rarely help. “Time heals” is far from always true, and it is insensitive to reassure a person experiencing an acute phase of stress with such words. “Well, but you are still alive” is also a dubious consolation. “Could be worse” devalues ​​a person’s experience, and also implies that their pain is unreasonable if it is not as strong as possible. And “it all depends on your perception” sounds like pure mockery in certain circumstances. Psychotherapist and popular blogger Whitney Goodman noticed that we are surrounded by toxic positivity, which requires people to constantly try to think positively even when it seems impossible.

“Sometimes applying positive thinking is like putting plaster on a gunshot wound. Instead of helping, it simply drowns out feelings, and this is harmful to our body, psyche, relationships and society,” she writes in her book “Toxic positive. How to Stop Suppressing Negative Emotions and Be True to Yourself” (published in Russian by Mann, Ivanov and Ferber). Using case studies from his practice, Goodman shows how we find ourselves in a cycle of toxic positivity, where society requires us to suppress our real emotions, which leads to even more negative emotions. The repression of any emotion, she argues, citing research, leads to physical stress and overloads the psyche.

In addition, Whitney Goodman gives advice on how to properly express and manage your negative emotions, as well as how to deal with toxic positivity. Forbes publishes an excerpt from the book.

Toxic positivity has taken over key areas of our lives. From cancer treatment and unemployment to religious communities, everywhere we are advised to solve problems with positive thoughts. Today it is simply impossible to rotate in the business environment, health care, religion or science and not hear that "you need to see the positive aspects in everything." You are not to blame for the fact that the panacea turned out to be a dummy. Let's look at the reasons for its inefficiency.

You are not sitting idle, you are looking for yourself!

I started consulting Alice when she first started working as an associate in a huge law firm. Days and nights, the girl sits hunched over at her desk and reads multi-page documents. She is overwhelmed, twitchy and unhappy, but she can’t break out of the vicious circle. Nevertheless, she tells how lucky she was to get this job (although, in my opinion, the employer does not really appreciate her). There are mentions of workplace harassment, complaints of lack of support, late phone calls and midnight emails.

Every month Alice is bombarded with a new batch of tasks, and because she does a great job, the volume of tasks grows and grows. The flow of work is periodically interrupted by mandatory meetings of the staff, at which the boss requires everyone to smile and admire the prospects of the company. Sometimes he arranges games or gives out funny hats to everyone to cheer up the office. Alice admits that the boss gets visibly annoyed when she does not see the proper enthusiasm on the faces of employees. Thanks to communication with colleagues in an informal setting, she knows that everyone has already burned out and is holding on to the last of her strength, but no one dares to say it out loud. And they are silent, because they receive a very good salary and work in a chic office. In addition, at corporate parties, everyone loudly praises the corporate culture. If you start complaining, they will think that you can’t cope or don’t understand how lucky you are.

From our weekly conversations with Alice, I understand that she will not last long in such an environment. Speaking of her extreme exhaustion, the girl looks helplessly out the window. She seems to understand that things are bad, but she is not able to get out. For several weeks, we discuss personal boundaries and work to decide to speak with management. Alice bravely tells her boss that she has chronic sleep deprivation and will not be able to work in this mode all the time. She explains how dear this work is to her and how great her desire is to find a way out of this situation. In a meeting with me, she describes how the boss smirked in response to the request. “Getting into our company is a great success. There is a queue of candidates in your place, ”he replied. Tears roll down Alice's face, and I feel sad with her, but, frankly, this turn of events does not surprise me.

Despite Alice's great courage, nothing has changed in the company. We return to her discussion of fatigue, late-night texting with co-workers, and egregious violation of boundaries. And now she is already persuading herself to hold on to her position and endure some more. After all, so many unemployed people dream of her place, and problems - well, with whom it does not happen, nothing tragic.

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Are positive people always successful?

According to most business coaches and employers, a positive attitude is a prerequisite for professional achievement. Type in “how to succeed” in a search engine and you will see thousands of sites about how positive thinking literally launches a career into space. Business bestsellers that bode well for readers, such as Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, are entirely based on the idea of ​​the power of thought. Book author T. Harv Ecker argues that education, intelligence, skills, momentum, work habits, connections, luck, career choices and investments do not determine your financial future. It is only a matter of mood and subconscious mindsets. If you want to get rich, be positive. It is strange that with the current abundance of successful strategies and formulas, we have so few millionaires!

In general, modern offices have also fallen victim to toxic positivity. There are huge screens, video games, colorful sofas and cookies. Google's Tel Aviv office even has an artificial beach with a slide, and one London-based company sports beach huts and meeting rooms shaped like huge dice. Companies equip playgrounds for employees and strongly recommend having fun. You could even say that enjoying every moment is part of your job responsibilities. It's so good at work that you probably won't want to go home!

Also, you've probably heard that without demonstrating a positive attitude, you won't get a job offer or promotion. You can not mention the problems associated with the lack of work, the lack of money, the loss of opportunities. Unemployment is a sabbatical! There are plenty of books, podcasts, and even conferences about how to see the positive in losing your job. Even such a stressful event should now bring joy and inspire! At the same time, the current situation in the economy and the labor market is often ignored, and social inequality is not mentioned. Unemployment is a peak that must be conquered with a smile on your face. Fate has given you a unique opportunity! #gratitude #creative vacation!

A negative view of things is rarely welcomed in a team - who wants to look like a whiner in the eyes of colleagues? The authorities also require work with a twinkle and full dedication. But what leads to such a bias?

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Negativity comes into play

Managing a team is not easy. Most bosses say that it is much easier to organize the workflow when employees are friendly, smiling and just doing their job. Complaints and negative comments complicate things. But in fact, herd mentality is being implanted in this way. Psychologist Irving Janis, who has studied groupthink, calls it "the psychological desire for agreement at any cost."

This is an excellent definition of toxic positive in the workplace. Herd thinking suppresses all dissenters and does not allow you to see the value in alternative opinions. You are afraid to speak out, because it will destroy the atmosphere, and you strive to join the team and be a team player. When the herd mentality takes hold, everyone seems to be happy with this state of affairs (actually not), and for a while you can actually avoid friction. The catch is that it won't last long. Herd mentality and obsessive display of positivity reduce the well-being of subordinates, stifle creativity, and the business begins to stall.

In fact, negativity in the workplace is necessary, and attempts to eradicate it are very dangerous, especially in the creative fields. Studies show that toxic positivity destroys creativity and prevents you from noticing important features of the project that may bother the client or consumer. Peter Senge, author of The Fifth Discipline, describes creative disagreement as the ability to articulate a gap between your vision of the outcome and the problem to be dealt with.

By focusing on the negative, that is, the problem, you can imagine potential solutions to it. But how to do this if you do not thoroughly examine everything that interferes?

There is usually a fair amount of complaining, annoyance, anguish, and pointing out flaws in a process or product. Most positive thinkers would run away from this, but this is how a number of humanity's biggest problems are solved. Without the negativity in creative meetings, we wouldn't get another iPhone update and enjoy the impeccable comfort of athletic shoes. If you enforce a corporate culture where creative differences are frowned upon or banned, you won't see elegant and effective solutions.

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In addition, an overly positive attitude does not allow empathy for the consumer. If you throw yourself into the positive, you won’t understand what features of the product or service the client doesn’t like. Has it ever happened that the wrong order was brought to you in a cafe? You want the dish to be replaced, but it’s also important for you to see that the staff understood their mistake and apologized. If the waiter just turned around and walked into the kitchen for a new plate without a word, would you be satisfied with this decision? Me - no. Sincere empathy for the visitor requires listening, understanding and feeling his experience and acting appropriately to the situation. In the cafe example, this means apologizing for a mistake, listening to the visitor, coming to a mutual decision, fulfilling the agreement, and making sure that the client is now satisfied. If you close yourself from the negative, you will not be able to solve this problem.

Many employees say they are discouraged from voicing work concerns in the name of a “positive corporate culture,” even though US federal law, for example, enshrined the right of employees to “complain publicly about working conditions, including to clients.” Despite this law, complaints about sexual harassment, discrimination, and other critical issues often go unheeded due to "positivity" and "well-coordinated teamwork."

Alice often encountered this state of affairs. Gratitude was expected from all employees, because “it could have been worse,” but the problems did not disappear. Having expressed her concern to her boss and faced with misunderstanding, the girl realized that she would never dare to bring up this topic again.

You may have had similar experiences. I can’t even remember how many people have told me that their bosses respond to their complaints with pizza delivery to the office, price cuts in the canteen after a working day, and gaslighting like the one Alice experienced. That is why many companies do not develop. They fear that, if they get out of control, the negative will destroy the corporate spirit. But without recognizing shortcomings, it is impossible to move forward. This is the only way to transformation and progress.

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Avoiding toxic positivity at work

There are a few key things to focus on in order to make your company culture healthier while boosting creativity, spurring business growth, and improving employee well-being. Engagement is one of the main factors for a successful work environment. When employees are interested in the work process, they feel the value of their contribution, security, support and respect. A Gallup survey showed that engagement is more strongly correlated with employee emotional well-being than any other type of reward; people are more likely to prefer a workplace where they are comfortable than where there are more material bonuses.

So here are a few simple ways you can increase your team engagement:

• Show a genuine interest in the lives of employees by asking them questions and letting them know that you care about them first and then about their responsibilities to you and to company.

• Express sympathy when people have problems. Brain scans showed that when employees recalled an insensitive boss, they had increased activity in areas of the brain associated with avoidance and negative emotions. And when they remembered a sensitive boss, the picture was reversed.

• Highlight their work. People feel better when they feel they belong to the mission of the company.

• Treat employees with respect, gratitude, trust, and honesty.
• Encourage people to speak up about their problems: let them know that the leader cares about them. A study by Harvard's Amy Edmondson found that bosses who are tolerant, humble, and open-minded can help employees learn faster and be more productive.

• Help subordinates and colleagues. Jonathan Haidt of New York University found that when a leader is just and willing to sacrifice, his subordinates become more loyal and committed to the company.

• Distinguish negativity from problem solving.

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