Female for friendship

The Power of Female Friendship During the Holidays

“May I ask you something?” reads a text from my close friend, Adrienne.

She always begins like this, asking if I have the space to hear something and engage. Sometimes it’s a struggle she’s grappling with, sometimes an annoyance, sometimes a joy. Only after I respond with a “yes,” will she share.

It’s early morning, so I’m not quite awake yet. I text back “Yes, of course. Let me get some coffee first.”

She sends a thumbs up.

I plod down the stairs past the window, seeing a fresh coat of snow from the night before has fallen in the Wasatch Mountains of Utah. I plug in the Christmas tree lights, scoop grinds into the coffee maker, then press the start button. Waiting for the coffee to brew, I think how Adrienne’s simple practice of asking has been a model for respectful communication, boundaries, and self-efficacy. And how, in big and small ways, through their words and presence, my female friends have taught me how to live, shaping the soft space of self.

Read More: Why Friends May Be More Important Than Family

I’m not alone in this. A 2010 study, “College Women’s Female Friendships: A Longitudinal View,” by Ana M. Martinez Aleman, found that female friendships are “a site for assessing meaning of self and of reality, a site for the experience of different perspectives and viewpoints, and an opportunity for growth through interdependency.” And a more recent 2020 study in Feminism and Psychology found that female friendships are “a site of ease, escape and refuge.” Jane Fonda echoed this at a 2015 Sundance Women in Film brunch, sharing that her female friendships helped “keep the starch in my spine” throughout her long and incredible career in Hollywood, by just being able to “hang together and help each other.” Another Harvard study, this one from 2019, found that the most successful women were those with a close inner circle of female friends.

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This has certainly been my experience. 20 years ago this holiday season, I lost my mom to opioid addiction. I was in my early 20’s, and soon after she died, I would get married, move almost 2,000 miles away from Pittsburgh, Pa. to Park City, Utah, and start my family.

The first few years, particularly around the holiday season, without my mom were complicated. Some of her traditions brought me solace like decorating the tree with her and my grandmother’s antique tin ornaments, or making a countdown chain, as she did for me, out of red and green construction paper for my children. But many others left me with overwhelming grief. Even though I was no longer religious, I yearned to sit next to her in the warm glow of midnight mass. Or chat while making pumpkin pies. Or stay up late talking near the lit-up tree.

In most ways, I wanted nothing to do with my mother’s traditions. Nothing to do with her. I was angry at the choices she made. Angry, she was gone. Angry, I didn’t know how to save her. That anger would keep me from the memory of her for many years. Keep me from knowing how to incorporate her back into my everyday life. Keep me from her holiday traditions.

But on this morning, after my first cup of coffee, I text Adrienne back. “Ok! I’m sufficiently caffeinated. Good morning!”

She gives a “Haha,” and then, “What do the kiddos want for Christmas?”

I text back a screenshot of a shirt and game. She sends a heart.

Then a new text from another friend, Emily. “Time to chat this morning?”

I respond, “Yes! Let me get the kids to school. I’ll call when walking the dog.”

Pulling my boots on, my phone vibrates again. This time, it’s Jillian. “We’ll be in town for the holidays. Dinner at your place?”

“Yes!” I text back. “Call when you’re in town.”

In 2010 study “Women Doing Friendships,” sociology scholar Eileen Green examined the importance of leisure time and conversations, particularly with other women, as a crucial site of our self-construction. She argues that “leisure contexts, particularly those with other women, are important spaces for women to review their lives; assessing the balance of satisfactions and activities through contradictory discourses which involve both the ‘mirroring’ of similarities and resistance to traditional feminine identities. ”

In the carpool line, pushing kids, backpacks, and snow clothes out the door, I pull up Emily’s contact and remember those first few holidays as a new mother—how she would come by, often with a six-pack of specialty beer. Or seedlings from her winter garden. Or cookies from the local farmer’s market. What she brought, in many ways, wasn’t important. What mattered was that she would sit with me and my colicky baby on the couch and talk, laugh, and cry for hours. And since then, we’ve spent years sharing words over walks, dinners, drinks, and travels.

I call her and just listen as she shares her challenges on traveling to visit in-laws over the holidays. She doesn’t need my advice, just some space around the ideas she is forming—strategies for healthy boundaries, ways to assure the downtime she knows she’ll need. She says it feels good to talk through it all. I share how it feels good to just listen. A 2021 study explored the biochemistry of these exchanges, finding that friendships among women release calming hormones, helping to negate the impacts of stress. Emily thanks me for listening, says she feels better, clearer about what she needs. At the end of our call, we start to plan a trip together for the spring. I tell her I love her. She says she loves me, too.

Back home, I have finally made it to my desk to work for the day. An email pops through from my friend, Nala. It’s her newsletter for her grief work titled, “Our loved ones are not lost! Talking to our ancestors.”

I click it open. It’s an intelligent, thoughtful exploration of the ways we use language to talk about our deceased loved ones—lost, gone—creating disconnection instead of connection, she argues. At the end of the email, she encourages her reader to talk lovingly to their dead. She reminds us that we are a mixture and a continuation of all those who came before. I am learning that I am the sum of all the women who have come before me. Definitely my mother. Especially my female friends.

This holiday season, I won’t cook her elaborate holiday dinners. I won’t go to midnight mass or trek my two young kids across the country for large extended family gatherings. But I will step closer to the memory of her because of the love and support of the women in my life.

I will schedule a phone date with Adrienne, including my children so they can thank her for the presents. Make her elaborate homemade thank you cards, tucked inside a gift we’ll send across the county. I will catch up with Jillian over a simple homemade meal while she is in town, savoring the time we get to spend together. Look for small gifts for Emily—books I know she will like, local bath products, a funny card about in-laws. And I will follow Nala’s prompting—make a small alter with photographs of my grandmother and mom, adding this year, a photo of my dad, too. I will light a candle for each of them, talk to them lovingly.

And perhaps this is the best gift we can offer one another, our presence and kind words. In a culture and season that can feel so transactional, being shaped and nurtured by your people’s compassionate attention feels revolutionary.

Contact us at letters@time. com.

Why They're Key to Every Part of Your Well-Being

My female friendships have come a long way. In my youth, I was always the “guy’s girl”— as in “friends” with a bunch of guys and “acquaintances” with women. Looking back, I can now see why. Being friends with the dudes meant that I could keep a distance that didn’t require vulnerability–or competition. The boys never asked too many questions, and we tended to keep things light. I was the ultimate wing woman, free to make mistakes without the judgment of another women’s view of who I should be. In full honesty, I wasn’t exactly sure who I was or what I wanted to be, so this all felt like a safe space.

Fast forward to late adulthood and I could’t imagine my life without my girls. It’s easier now that I’m sure of who I am and what I stand for. To be fair, it’s probably inevitable that I would come to this place with a gang of girls. But I didn’t know until later in life all the power and strength that lies within female friendships. From how to navigate my career in a man’s world to sharing the joys and fears of motherhood—it’s all there. My female friendships lift and fill me up in a way my friendship with men cannot. So, this all got me thinking: Why was I so afraid of getting close to women? What was so complex and confusing about those relationships?

While popular culture has given us female friendship gems like Lena Dunham’s Girls and Pheobe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag, most romantic comedies include female best friends who help give context to the heroine and push her toward her love interest. The fact is, female friendship is deeply complex and overflowing with nuance, but there are also few bonds more beautiful or rewarding.

Feature image by Jenny Sathngam.

1 of 3PHOTO: Kristen Kilpatrick Photography,Target, Target Party, Camille Styles, Camille Styles Austin, Camille Styles Bungalow, Camille Styles Kristen Kilpatrick, Kristen Kilpatrick Austin, Kristen Kilpatrick Editorial, Editorial Photographer, Target Garden, Target Inspiration, Target Fashion, Target Apparel, Target Camille Styles, Target Furniture, Outdoor Furniture, Summer Parties, Summer Inspiration, Camille Styles Home, Austin TexasImage by Kristen Kilpatrick

Why Female Friendships Aren’t Just a Nice-to-Have

Female friendships are essential to our health and they can even help us live longer lives. Have you ever experienced that warm, elated feeling you get after leaving dinner with your best gal pal? Platonic closeness gives us a healthy, stress-busting boost of feel-good hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin—all vital to emotional wellbeing and physical longevity. Now more than ever, the intimacy we share with friends helps us avoid feelings of isolation, increases our sense of belonging, and helps us cope with the world around us.

In a society that considers romantic relationships to be the be-all and end-all, women can find friendships elusive and difficult to maintain—especially in adulthood. With that said, it’s never too late to build new relationships with women or work on the ones we already have. Plus, knowing the many benefits of friendship is a great reason to start investing in them in a new or different way. So what’s the secret to lifelong friendships?

Keep scrolling for three tips that will help you cultivate long-lasting female friendships.

2 of 3Image courtesy of Lizzy Mathis

Shine Together

One of the common reasons why women feel challenged in their friendships is jealousy and competition. The reason for this is rooted in evolution, where our ancestors competed for the safety and protection of mates. In a modern and patriarchal society, women often find themselves competing for the affection and approval of men. When our value becomes wrapped up in attaining male attention, rivalries can develop. Many women can similarly relate to the feeling of bitterness when they see a friend landing a big promotion or achieving a significant milestone before them. But since our friends are a direct reflection of ourselves, shouldn’t we be genuinely celebrating and lifting them up?

This is the idea behind Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman’s Shine Theory. It states that by consciously investing our full selves into our friendships, we can become allies instead of competitors. And when we encourage our friends to be their best selves, we also encourage ourselves. I don’t shine if you don’t shine, right? When we cultivate relationships based on mutual and unwavering support, we create the perfect conditions for long-lasting and ever-blossoming friendships.

Go Deep Together

In a world that places a great deal of emphasis on showing strength, vulnerability can feel like a weakness, and that means it can be hard to express it even in our closest friendships. Sometimes, it’s just easier to respond with the requisite “good, you?” when our friend asks how we’re doing. But when we choose to close ourselves off in this way, we also stifle the potential for genuine connection.

The truth is, vulnerability and openness help us cultivate closeness with those we love and support a sense of belonging and safety. When we let our guards down, we give ourselves an opportunity to communicate our true selves while creating the safe space that allows our friends to share theirs. When we allow ourselves to be seen—scars and all—we’re able to develop the true intimacy necessary to create long-lasting female friendships.

3 of 3PHOTO: Hannah Haston PhotographyImage by Hannah Haston

Commit To Each Other

We are all likely familiar with the defined stages of commitment within romantic relationships: moving in together, engagement, and marriage. Friendship, on the other hand, doesn’t have the same obvious milestones. Because of this, it can be easy to justify certain behaviors we would never accept in our significant others, like transience and inconsistency, for instance.

When we begin to see our friendships as investments, we can understand that commitment isn’t only reserved for romantic relationships. By making the conscious effort to choose our friends, we create the habit of consistency which provides us with enduring support over time. True long-lasting friendship means accepting where each of you are at all life stages, and choosing to evolve differently, but together.

How do you pour into and support your female friendships?

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