Child with narcissistic personality disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder in childhood

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Case Reports

. 1989 Sep;12(3):671-94.

P F Kernberg¹

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Affiliation

¹ Cornell University Medical College, New York, New York.

PMID: 2798202

Case Reports

P F Kernberg. Psychiatr Clin North Am. 1989 Sep.

. 1989 Sep;12(3):671-94.

Author

P F Kernberg¹

Affiliation

¹ Cornell University Medical College, New York, New York.

PMID: 2798202

Abstract

Narcissistic personality disorders can be identified in childhood and adolescence using the same diagnostic criteria as for adults. There are, however, additional descriptive characteristics specific to children: in particular, quality of friendships, quality of performance in school, gaze aversion, pathologic play, and separation anxiety. Various developmental pathways may present a special risk for the formation of narcissistic personality disorder: having narcissistic parents, being adopted, being abused, being overindulged, having divorced parents, or losing a parent through death. The diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder has important implications for treatment. The goals of treatment (in intensive psychoanalytic psychotherapy) are to work on the grandiose self, the pathologic defense mechanisms that interfere with development, and interactions with parents and peers. Concomitant parent counseling or family therapy is strongly recommended to work on the maladaptive narcissistic defenses operating at the family level, which help to maintain the disorder.

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Childhood Roots of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Source: IMylu/iStockphoto

It’s estimated that up to 6 percent of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorder (narcissism for short), which is more common in men and has its roots in childhood. Extremely resistant to treatment, this severe mental condition leads affected individuals to create chaos as they harm other people. Before discussing how demands for support of ego and desires can go off the rails, let’s start with an overview of pertinent normal child development.

Small children are naturally selfish as a normal part of development in which they work to get their needs met and can’t understand other people’s needs and desires. Then as teenagers, kids are still typically self-centered as they struggle for independence.

As opposed to self-centeredness that should gradually decline, children need to develop healthy, lasting levels of self-esteem to be able to protect and care for themselves while caring about others, resist dangerous influences, and stay connected to family and society. Healthy levels of self-esteem indicate a child’s belief that he or she is loved and worthy as a person in the family and in society, and thus doesn’t deserve and is more resilient to mistreatment. In a nutshell, self-esteem isn’t self-centeredness because it doesn’t lead to putting oneself first to the detriment of other people’s needs and rights.

Typical childhood self-centeredness must change to pave the way to mental health in adulthood. To grow up able to function well in families and society, kids must gradually gain both the ability to see other people’s viewpoints and empathy for other people’s suffering. So, healthy kids should gradually show sincere signs of caring about the well-being of others. Not developing empathy while growing up is a warning sign of developing a serious personality disorder as an adult, including the narcissistic type.

How do people with narcissistic personality disorder (narcissists for short) act? Besides showing a lack of empathy (as judged not by words but by actions), narcissists filter information and react on the basis of the effect on their egos. Their actions reflect grandiose beliefs of superiority and uniqueness as well as their need for admiration and worship.

Source: Izusek/iStockphoto

Narcissists are arrogant and preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited self-importance, success, and power (including that they alone can do something) and exaggerate their accomplishments and popularity. They exploit or take advantage of people for personal gain including feeding their egos and thus require excessive admiration. They pit people against each other to get what they want—they divide people to conquer and gain power over them. They manipulate others by influencing emotions like fear and anger, and with threats and lies. Another manipulation technique used is redefining reality by repeatedly fabricating fiction and arguing about it as if it were fact (such as presenting alternative facts), which leads listeners to question their own understanding of reality. Victims often experience a “twilight zone” sensation that is accompanied by anxiety.

Narcissists make others miserable and get aggressive with people who won’t give them the agreement, admiration, and respect they feel entitled to, expecting automatic compliance. These traits are often found in dictators. Like most personality disorders, narcissism is very difficult to treat because people affected aren’t able to understand that anything is wrong with them and thus are not motivated to change.

A narcissist is toxic to situations and people, except perhaps to an inner circle of supporters—at least for as long as they continue to support the narcissist’s agenda.

Now let’s go back to youth. Preteens aren’t developed enough to manipulate and given that teenagers are typically self-centered, clinicians are reluctant to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder before age 18. Still, you might notice one or more of these warning signs in teenagers indicating a risk of developing narcissism:

Persistent bullying behaviors such as making fun of, threatening, degrading, or scapegoating people (including parents and other adults)
Persistent need to win no matter who is hurt
Persistent lying to benefit oneself (will lie about lying, turn lies into someone else’s fault, deflect accountability by attacking messengers who point out lies)
Egotistical view of extraordinary self-worth
Preoccupation with getting own needs met over other people’s
Entitled attitudes which lead to acting as if they deserve special treatment and to get whatever they want, no matter the circumstances
Aggressive responses to being criticized, wronged, or upset
Repetitively blaming others for bad outcomes
Being much more competitive than cooperative

If your child or one you know behaves this way, you can save your family and society from harm by focusing on doing the following:

Teach empathy
Value character traits like honesty and kindness over being tough or dominant
Change entitled attitudes and stop entitled actions
Squelch greed (say, “You’re acting selfishly and that’s not okay”)
Insist they put other people first routinely, remembering that actions speak louder than words (narcissists often say they are doing something to benefit others when they are really doing it for themselves)
Build healthy self-esteem (low self-esteem can also lead to entitlement and using others to support one’s ego)
Son’t allow false blame of other people for one’s own problems and failures.

Also avoid parenting styles linked to developing a narcissistic personality, such as neglect, indulgence (spoiling with privilege and possessions, and promoting entitled attitudes), and cold, overcontrolling authoritarian methods which insist on perfection, winning, and toughness from a child.

On the flip side, you can also help teens and young adults learn to recognize narcissists so they can avoid their toxic harm or survive it. A necessary foundation for this is the ability to think critically about what someone says or does, which starts to develop during adolescence.

Critical thinking skills help us tell lies from truths and determine when someone is manipulating us to take advantage of or scam us. Parents and mentors can help teach these empowering life skills that protect against deception by con artists and abusive bosses, friends, and partners.

You can give your child life-long protective gifts of healthy levels of self-esteem and critical thinking skills while squelching entitlement and narcissistic traits to benefit you, your child and family, and all of us. And don’t forget that there is no shame in seeking help to get it done—seeking knowledge and help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Children's narcissism - causes, correction

Narcissism is a personality dysfunction, expressed in exceptional narcissism and unjustified inflated self-esteem. The child psychologist believes that, if left uncorrected, narcissism will inevitably lead to personality disorders that negatively affect the quality of life - both in everyday life, interpersonal relationships, and in the professional sphere.

It is known that all young children go through a period of narcissism. With the correct, harmonious development of the personality and the reasonable behavior of the parents, this does not bring any harm. However, it is during this early period that the child is most at risk of developing narcissism, a disorder that is incredibly difficult to correct.

The main factors leading to the development of narcissism:

early parental assessment of the child's actions, admiration for the slightest achievements;
lack of love, desire to compensate for mother's coldness;
hereditary tendency, close communication with an emotionally significant adult-narcissist, manipulator.

A child who forms his own "I" with a conviction of personal exclusivity and greatness is distinguished by a complete rejection of criticism. People experience discomfort when dealing with narcissists. However, narcissists themselves are drawn to society, because it is much more pleasant for them to engage in narcissism against the backdrop of a “gray, faceless” mass. In the absence of social recognition, the erroneous overconfidence of the child can turn into a feeling of inferiority and lead to the development of numerous complexes and phobias.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

the need for constant admiration;
sense of one's own grandiose significance;
immersion in dreams of success and unlimited power;
lack of empathy, feelings of gratitude, empathy;
an all-consuming belief in one's own uniqueness;
envy of other people's victories and achievements;
feeling of privilege;
uncompromising, perfectionism;
exploitation of loved ones at the household level;
impudent, defiant, disrespectful, outrageous behavior.

Along with the above, there are also healthy signs of narcissism that allow a person to achieve excellent life results:

striving for success;
big ambitions;
great joy from their own achievements;
enjoyment of competition, etc.

The biggest and most serious problem is that narcissistic individuals who have experienced an early emotional breakup try to avoid disappointment in every possible way, do everything possible to protect themselves from potentially traumatic situations. The thoughtless mechanism of anticipatory rejection does not allow establishing close relationships, trusting people, loving and being loved. That excludes the very possibility of simple, human happiness.

Specialists of the Quartet Psychological Center have extensive practical experience in working with children with a tendency to narcissism and their parents. We use proven, effective therapies (transactional analysis, gestalt therapy) to control the manifestations of narcissism, as well as identify the causes leading to the development of this personality disorder and help to quickly neutralize them. Contact us, we will be happy to help!

How does a child become a narcissist? | PSYCHOLOGIES

16,737

Parents

I am often asked, “What type of parenting leads to a child developing narcissistic personality disorder?” Or, “Are the children of narcissistic parents at risk of becoming narcissists themselves?” Children adapt to the requirements of family members and the rules of their home.

And sometimes the most rational way to adapt to the poisonous influence of the family is ... the development of narcissistic traits. The following are some common scenarios that can contribute to this.

Scenario 1: Parents' Narcissistic Values

A family in which a child grows up can appreciate only high achievements. One or both parents are demonstrative individuals. Their motto is: if you can't be the best, why bother? Love in such a family is always conditioned by something: when a child wins, wins the Olympics, becomes the star of a school concert, he is showered with praise and attention.

In other cases, contempt and disappointment await him. Everyone in the family must be special and must prove it over and over again. No matter how much you achieve, the pressure does not decrease. It is difficult for children to enjoy something for nothing if it does not affect their status in any way.

Instead of exploring what they enjoy, they focus exclusively on what they can definitely get their parents' support for - high achievement. Parents are not interested in the real I of the child, but in how he "works" for the status and prestige of the family. They should always have something to brag about to their neighbors: “Look what my child did!”.

Children who grow up in such homes feel protected and worthy only when they are successful and recognized as "the best." The conditional love of parents who overemphasize status and achievement sets in motion a lifelong pattern of pursuit of success that becomes synonymous with happiness.

Example: Peter and his life on paper

Peter, a brilliant and successful man with narcissistic personality disorder, told me that he came to therapy because he knew he had lost his way. Everything he did now doesn't matter to him.

He says: “On paper, my biography looks great. But somewhere along the way, I lost touch with who I really am. I no longer feel genuine pleasure from my accomplishments. I enjoy what I do well, but I only do it because it impresses other people. I feel empty inside."

Scenario 2: Devaluing narcissistic parent

In this scenario, there is a very domineering and devaluing parent who always puts the child down. The parent is often irritable, loses his temper easily, and has unrealistically high expectations. If there are two or more children in the family, he will praise one and devalue the others. Moreover, "good" can quickly become "bad", and his sibling suddenly "good".

No one feels safe in the end, and everyone spends all their resources to calm the explosive parent. The “explosive” often treats the other parent in the same way as the children, and also humiliates him and devalues him if he suddenly disagrees with something. Children who grow up in such families feel angry, humiliated and inadequate. But they may react differently to their situation.

The defeated child. Some kids just give up and admit that they are worthless. In adolescence, they can slide into depression, which is based on shame and self-hatred. Then, to protect themselves from painful shame, they may seek oblivion in impulsive, addictive behavior. Some become alcoholics and drug addicts, others spend their days on the Internet. They never realize their potential because they are convinced of its absence.

Rebellious child. These children openly rebel against messages that they are "losers". And they often spend their lives trying to prove to themselves, the world and the devaluing parent that they are special and their parents are wrong. They succeed in every possible way. Proving that they are special becomes a lifelong mission, while they always have a harsh voice in their souls, criticizing their every mistake.

Angry child. He grows up with a sense of rage at the devaluing parent. Anyone who in any way reminds him of a parent becomes the target of his wrath. Sometimes he himself becomes a toxic and evil narcissist. It is not enough for him to achieve something, he must destroy.

Example: Pretty Woman

In this film, Richard Gere plays a wealthy businessman who buys and destroys companies. He likes to destroy the result of the life of the former owners of these companies, because they all symbolically replace his hated father. The film turns into a Cinderella story after he hires a prostitute (Julia Roberts) with whom he eventually falls in love.

Even his choice of love object is typical of a narcissist. I have met many wealthy narcissistic men who are only able to show love to women they "rescue" who are far below them in status and therefore safe for their self-esteem.

Scenario 3: The Golden Child

These parents tend to be covert narcissists and feel uncomfortable in the spotlight. Instead, they show off their capable child. Often the child is really talented and deserves praise, but parents bring admiration to worship. Such excessive idealization can lead to the development of narcissistic traits in the child.

Consequences of conditional and unconditional love

Everyone wants to be loved unconditionally, but at the same time perceived realistically. If children feel that their parents value them just because they are special, this can lead to feelings of insecurity. Nobody wins all the time. Nobody is better than others in every way.

Awareness of shortcomings and shame

Children idealized by their parents may begin to believe that they are worthy of love only when they are perfect. They are ashamed when they see some shortcomings in themselves. And they do their best to prove that they are flawless and deserve to be idealized.

Delayed development of the real self

In this process, children may lose contact with their real self, with real wants and needs, likes and dislikes. Instead of exploring who they really are and what their true interests and talents are, they may go completely astray and waste time only on what they are already good at and what they think will surely win parental approval.

Sometimes these children still resist the role of the "golden child" and do not become narcissists. They ignore excessive praise and refuse to play the role of genius imposed by the family. One mother told me: "My son is the hope of the family, he will glorify our family, our surname." Her son told me, "I just want to get off this endless treadmill and live my own life without living up to my parents' crazy expectations."

Scenario 4: "Exhibitionist" Admirer

Some children grow up in families where the narcissistic parent rewards them with praise and attention only as long as they admire and remain subservient to him. These children are not encouraged to expose themselves to the public. Their role in the family is to worship the greatness of their narcissistic parent, never trying to equal or surpass his achievements.

This strategy is a great way to create covert or covert narcissists. Children get used to "buying" attention and praise for not openly competing with the narcissistic parent. They know they will be devalued if they try to gain recognition as individuals.

As adults, these children feel too vulnerable to be comfortable in the spotlight, so their narcissism and self-esteem issues are less obvious to those who don't know them well. But some adapt well to this role at work, where they find a new object of admiration for themselves - a narcissistic "exhibitionist" supervisor.

Example: Maria and the “great person”

Maria was the personal assistant to the CEO of her company. She admired him and was happy to serve him. She felt special by being with him.

She cherished every little compliment she received from him over the years and treasured every holiday card he gave her. Maria did not marry because she was too focused on her work. Every man she met seemed to her not good enough compared to her boss.

For those who know what to look for, it is easy to see how a certain home environment contributes to the development of narcissistic traits in a child. Sometimes turning into a narcissist becomes the only possible and reasonable solution for him.

About the Expert: Elinor Greenberg is a psychologist and Gestalt Therapy Trainer who specializes in training psychotherapists to diagnose and treat borderline, narcissistic and schizoid adjustments. Author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Security. (“Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety”, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 2016).

Text: Maria Fedotova Photo credit: Getty Images

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Child with narcissistic personality disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder in childhood

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Publication types

MeSH terms

Childhood Roots of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Children's narcissism - causes, correction

How does a child become a narcissist? | PSYCHOLOGIES

Scenario 1: Parents' Narcissistic Values ​​

Scenario 2: Devaluing narcissistic parent

Scenario 3: The Golden Child

Scenario 4: "Exhibitionist" Admirer

Scenario 1: Parents' Narcissistic Values