Emotional sabotage relationships
Why You're Sabotaging Your Relationship + How To Stop
For some people, this is such an ingrained behavior that it can be hard to even recognize, let alone stop it.
Although often subconscious, there are several reasons someone might want to sabotage a perfectly healthy relationship. One big reason is low self-esteem and self-worth, according to clinical psychologist Maggie Dancel, Psy.D. If you're worried your partner may like you enough, you might subconsciously act out or push them away so you don't have to feel the sting of rejection.
Stirring up relationship drama can also be a way to keep your partner interested, Dancel tells mbg: "Individuals may not feel that they can get better, so they settle for any attention, affection, and connection, negative or positive."
On the other side of the spectrum, some individuals might fear commitment due to what the relationship will mean for their independence, leading them to self-sabotage the relationship in order to keep their distance and maintain a sense of freedom.
"Much of the reasoning behind someone self-sabotaging a relationship has to do with an individual's attachment style," Madeline Cooper, a psychotherapist and clinical social worker specializing in sexuality and relationships, tells mbg. Your attachment style is the way you deal with relationships, which is learned from our earliest childhood relationships with caregivers.
Individuals with anxious attachment styles often desire intimacy and fear rejection because of experiences of abandonment in childhood, which can lead them to project these negative outcomes of the relationship onto their partner.
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often avoid closeness and intimacy because their childhood taught them to be self-sufficient, which may lead them to delay commitment or demonstrate a dismissive nature.
Because the desire to self-sabotage is so linked to our attachment style, people can often self-sabotage relationships subconsciously by repeating the relational patterns that we learned as children.
"We repeat behaviors over and over again because the negative cycle is familiar," Dancel says.
RELATED: The 5 Stages Of A Relationship Every Couple Goes Through
1.
Not addressing negative emotions
A big red flag for self-sabotage is having negative emotions about your partner or relationship but refusing to address them. Feeling anxiety, anger, frustration, or doubt in any relationship, romantic or not, is totally normal—but refusing to speak to your partner about these fears signals that you're not interested in fixing the problems you're seeing or keeping your relationship alive.
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2.
Extreme paranoia
"I have seen clients who suspect their partners of cheating with no evidence to prove it but are so convinced because of their own insecurities," Cooper says, describing this as an example of self-sabotaging a relationship.
It's hard not to get paranoid sometimes in relationships, but if you are constantly worried that your partner is cheating or wants to leave you, this could be a projection of your own fears and anxieties about the relationship.
3.
Criticism toward your partner
The best partnerships involve at least some constructive criticism, but if you are always criticizing your partner for small behaviors, this could also be a sign of self-sabotage. Critiquing your partner when they do not deserve it could mean that you are subconsciously trying to create a wedge between you two or drive them away.
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4.
Engaging in unhealthy behavior
While it might not seem like it, eating poorly, drinking or smoking excessively, and overall not taking care of yourself can be a sign of self-sabotage in a relationship. These negative behaviors can function as a coping mechanism for individuals who are unhappy in a relationship but do not know how to fix it.
These unhealthy patterns can also be a scapegoat for the issues in a relationship—if someone is focused on their excessive smoking, for example, they can blame their relationship troubles on that rather than looking for deeper problems.
5.
Holding grudges
Everyone holds a grudge once in a while, but if you are constantly annoyed by small things your partner does and can't seem to let go of that anger, this may be a sign of self-sabotage. Often, holding grudges in a relationship can lead to poor communication and delayed anger and fighting, which can greatly hurt any partnership. You may be subconsciously holding a grudge to avoid talking to your partner about the issues in your relationship.
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6.
Putting energy into everything except your relationship
A big sign of self-sabotage is if you are concerned about the state of your relationship but also not putting time into mending it.
If you have suddenly become hyper-focused on work, your hobbies, or the other people in your life and are ignoring your partner completely, you might be trying to convince yourself you don't have time to fix the issues in your relationship, when really you are just prioritizing other things.
7.
Having unrealistic expectations
Intimate relationships can be difficult to manage, and it's hard to always have a perfect set of expectations for what you and your partner owe each other. That being said, if you are regularly upset that your partner is not meeting your expectations and are not communicating your disappointment to them, this could also be a sign that you have already deemed your partner unfit for you in your head and don't think the relationship is worth fighting for.
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8.
Not keeping small promises
Small things add up.
If you regularly break promises regarding what time you will be home or when you and your partner will be spending quality time, this could mean that you are training your partner to resent you.
9.
Focusing on your and your partner's imperfections
Another red flag is if you are unable to see the good in your partner or relationship and can instead only focus on small imperfections on both sides. This negative pattern is often a sign that you are trying to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner.
10.
Giving up on sex
It's normal for couples to go through phrases of lackluster sex (or no sex at all), but Cooper says it's telling when one person has given up and accepted the unfulfilling sexual relationship. "Because many people are uncomfortable talking about sexuality and intimacy, they will not tell their partner if they are unsatisfied in the sexual relationship. This can lead to frustration, resentment, or even 'the grass is greener' syndrome, where someone wonders if something else is better," she says.
11.
Using the "silent treatment"
One of the biggest signs of self-sabotage is poor communication or a lack thereof. The "silent treatment," or refusing to speak to someone in your life out of anger or to teach them a lesson, is an extremely toxic form of communication that can be very harmful to any relationship.
1.
Understand both partners' attachment styles
Understanding both your own and your partner's attachment styles can help you both learn how to better provide for each other's needs. There are easy tests online that allow people to quickly discover their attachment style and give helpful tips on what individuals with each style desire most out of a relationship.
"Knowing your and your partner's attachment style will help each person understand why they act in a certain way within the relationship and can help reframe the action from sabotaging to a pattern created based on a relationship and family history," said Cooper. "By becoming more self-aware of these patterns, people can start to intentionally work to create new patterns by confronting and being honest about their feelings surrounding intimacy, developing direct communication skills with their partner, and working to let go of any fears surrounding relationships and commitment.
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2.
Have an honest discussion
If you are feeling anxious or having doubts in any relationship, it is important that you initiate an open discussion about these fears. You and your partner should speak openly about what problems you're having and what the best next steps for your relationship could be. If you feel like you have some growing up to do before the relationship can change, taking a temporary break might be a move to consider.
3.
Seek counseling
If you feel like you and your partner cannot solve these issues on your own, counseling can be a great next step. Both individual and couples' therapy provide a great outlet to discuss your relationship fears in a supportive, nonjudgmental, and empathetic environment. If you feel like your issues are only surrounding your relationship, couples' therapy is probably the route to try. However, if you feel like your relationship troubles are stemming from bigger issues in your own life, it might be time to try individualized therapy to unpack some of your own life experiences that might be affecting how you're showing up in your relationships.
4.
Be patient
Relationships are never easy, and it's important to be patient while you are putting in all this hard work. Remember that you have a support system to help you through rough times and that you should be proud of yourself for recognizing unhealthy behavior and taking the necessary steps to fix it. "Life is hard!" Dancel lamented. "We are all just trying to make it in this world. It's important for people to be understanding and patient with themselves."
RELATED: 9 Signs It's Time To End Your Relationship, From A Therapist
14 Signs Of Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship & How To Stop
Self-sabotaging in relationships is a harmful behavior as it threatens your success and is one of the toughest things to deal with. It is like an enemy who knows you completely and attacks accordingly. Psychologists say that it is a subconscious act that permits specific people to destruct their lives. This behavior is often a result of self-criticism, self-doubt, or self-hatred.
However, self-harm is different from this; it is when someone purposely hurts to make themselves feel better (generally by imposing pain).
Self-sabotage may not appear as destructive as self-harm, but ultimately it causes more damage in the long run. Be it your job, relationships, or health, almost everything can get impacted due to this condition. Keep reading this article to know more about how these habits develop and affect relationships and tips to control them.
In This Article
Where Does This Behavior Arise From?
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Self-sabotage can happen for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you were raised in a complex environment, and it is part of how you live life. You do not just wake up one morning and decide to sabotage your relationship. Such behavior can be traced back to specific life events or people and this shaped who you are today.
Over time, self-defeating habits can become so deeply ingrained that they are almost automatic, which is why it may be hard for you to see them.
Here are some triggers for self-sabotaging tendencies:
- Things That Happened In Your Past
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Self-sabotaging behavior is often caused by an unresolved trauma, such as childhood abuse or the death of someone close, over which the person has had no control. It may even be related to an addiction problem that needs more serious treatment than self-help methods. Patterns established in early relationships may be seen over time in other relationships. Your present circumstance differs from the past, but it may be tough to break out of similar negative habits.
Related: 15 Signs Of Emotional Detachment In Your Relationship
- Fear Of Failure
The reason self-sabotage is so universal, and we all do it to some extent. As infants, we rely on our parents for everything — food, comfort, nurturing, and love. As we grow older, most of us assume that self-worth comes from outside ourselves.
Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” or “My best isn’t good enough” undermine even the most confident person’s productivity and sense of self-worth. Avoiding failure can lead you to avoid attempting in the first place. So, your subconscious mind feeds you with reasons and methods for sabotaging yourself.
- An Attempt In Self-Preservation
Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism that people use to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or going through a painful experience again. They may also do it while trying to make themselves feel better about their decisions or life choices, trying to escape from reality and responsibility, or fulfilling self-destructive tendencies. Self-sabotaging habits can also be caused by a desire to control events. You may feel safe, strong, and ready to face whatever comes your way when you are in command.
Whatever may be the reason you resort to self-sabotaging, it is clear that nothing good can come of it.
So, read on to understand how this behavior can manifest in a relationship and avoid harming your relationship subconsciously or unconsciously.
Related: 10 Best Qualities Of A Good Woman In A Relationship
Quick Tip
Self-sabotage works in a constant loop, making it difficult to come out of it. Often, people realize they are self-sabotaging and cannot overcome their internalized negative triggers.
14 Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
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- You Concentrate On The Negative First: Constant complaining may lead to a separation. It’s just as easy to concentrate on the positive as it is to constantly focus on what’s wrong.
- You Must Always Be Right: Compromise is essential in any relationship. However, if you have a need to be right all the time, you will most likely be lonely as well. No one wants to be in a relationship where their opinions are always met with resistance.
- You Show A Lack Of Trust In Your Partner: Anyone who feels continuously second-guessed or that their partner assumes the worst, no matter what they do, will not want to stay around for long. Your partner shouldn’t have to constantly earn your trust unless they have broken any promises previously.
- You Often Talk About Past Relationships: If you constantly discuss or complain about the person who came before your present partner, you will likely leave a negative impression. It is fair if you want to give some background or context to explain any traumatic history or how it affects your perspective in relationships so your new partner can better understand, but you should not be speaking about an ex constantly. It’s time to move on; you are with someone new now.
- You Have Outgrown Your Capacity To Be Charming: Romance does not have to end the moment a relationship becomes official. Maintaining a relationship is all about keeping up the romance and making your partner feel loved.
- You Are Pretending To Be Someone You Are Not: It may appear like a wonderful idea to participate in your partner’s interests and pastimes until you eventually confess that you despise those activities. There’s a limited amount of time a relationship founded on inauthenticity can last. Not to mention, pretending to be someone or something you are not is tiring and can become exhausting after a while.
- You Undervalue Your Partner: It’s easy to overlook your significant other just because you are in a relationship. If you constantly criticize your partner’s opinions and feelings and take them for granted, you are on the fastest road to becoming single.
- You Feel Unworthy Of Love: If you have self-esteem issues, it’s time to get the help you need. Your problems are not your partner’s responsibility.
- You Don’t Spend Enough Time Together: If this is the case, your relationship is dying a slow death.
You need to make more of an effort to see your partner and spend time with them. Quality time and making memories with your partner is an important part of any relationship dynamic. - You Have Difficulty Expressing Your Needs: You may desire more alone time but you find yourself withholding that need because of fear or insecurity. Your partner would not want to hurt your feelings. It’s better to communicate openly.
- Walking Away Is Easy For You: People expect everything to go perfectly all the time. So, when you feel disappointed, it’s best to communicate with your partner rather than cut ties arbitrarily.
- You Feel Uncomfortable When Things Go Too Well: When a person has had prior bad experiences, this is frequently the case. As a result, you may believe that you don’t deserve it or something is wrong when things are going well.
- You Make Excuses Not To Be Intimate: Intimacy is important in a healthy relationship.
When you start avoiding conversations that matter and make excuses not to have sex, you might be sabotaging your relationship. - You Don’t Respect Boundaries: When there is a clear line between you and your partner, you harm yourself by crossing it. If you keep putting yourself in the position to violate this boundary, it shows that you don’t value your partner’s feelings.
It is, thus, important to have mutual respect and open communication in any relationship. If you think you might be engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, go to the next section to understand how you can keep it in check.
Related: 14 Effective Ways To Get Him To Commit In A Relationship
Things You Can Do To Control This Tendency
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- Always speak from the highest self-esteem. Don’t put yourself down or say negative things about yourself around your partner. Practice self-love, self-compassion, and positive self-affirmations.
- Don’t compare yourself to other people.
Realize your self-worth because you don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself. - Start to think about the qualities you want in your partner. It will guide you to make better decisions when meeting people. You can start filtering out those who don’t fit the qualities.
- Start meditating. Self-awareness helps you work through your feelings and avoid acting on impulse. Meditation will help clear your mind of negative self-talk that pumps into your subconsciousness.
- Don’t be greedy or self-centered with your relationship. Don’t rush things or try to corner your partner into moving too fast. Selfless acts are usually what keep the peace when things get tough. It will help keep your self-esteem in check and will prevent you from hurting your partner.
- Control your anger before it controls you. Avoid any form of violence. Anger is self-destructive and, when left unchecked, can put a severe strain on the relationship. It’s not about suppressing your feelings but channeling them in the right direction.
- Be happy for your partner when they are successful, even if it means you are not benefiting from their success. Learn how to be self-satisfied with yourself instead of trying to live vicariously through your partner.
- Don’t wait for your partner to solve your problems. Self-reliance helps develop self-sufficiency and self-esteem. In addition, a strong personality makes better decisions when involved with people and will make them more likely to want to commit to you long-term.
- Be self-assured when you are in social situations. Self-sabotage often happens out of embarrassment or self-doubt. Make sure your confidence is always high so no one can bring you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
- Discover all the bad habits you have and work towards quitting them. A self-destructive person is unlikely to be in a self-sustaining relationship. Your bad self-esteem will be projected onto your partner, creating constant tension and harm.
Quick Tip
Practicing positive affirmations is a simple yet effective way to avoid self-sabotaging.
Look in the mirror and say kind and appreciative things about yourself. It might seem absurd, but it will soon become a healthy practice.
The road of self-growth ultimately leads to healthy relationships. However, if you feel that certain things are overwhelming or out of your control, there’s no harm in approaching a professional. Read on to find out when’s the right time to consult a therapist.
Related: How To Stop Liking Someone – 14 Tips
When Should You Seek Professional Help?
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When self-sabotage reaches a point where it’s too detrimental to a person’s mental health and daily functioning, it should be considered a form of self-harm. It is then that consulting a professional therapist can prove quite helpful.
However, self-sabotage can also manifest subtly and not affect one’s life in drastic ways. In this case, self-sabotage has more to do with self-esteem and not self-harm. Books can be an excellent place to begin self-improvement in such scenarios.
Self-help books are usually written by experienced psychologists and mental health professionals. They can be very helpful in recognizing one’s issues and self-defeating behavior.
Another way to make progress is to work with a self-help group. It will allow one to see that they are not alone in their self-sabotaging behavior and learn other coping mechanisms.
Working with a self-help group or a therapist are both healthy options for self-improvement that won’t cost you much, compared to the damage self-sabotage may cause.
Experts say that self-sabotaging in relationships develops due to a person’s traumatic past experiences or fear of failure. Constantly concentrating on negative experiences, lack of trust in your partner, and difficulty expressing your emotions can frustrate your partner and create problems in the relationship. To keep yourself from engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, start meditating, control your anger, and realize how special and important you are.
However, if self-sabotaging behavior starts affecting your mental health and daily functioning, read books or consult a mental health professional for further help.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do depressed people self-sabotage?
Yes, people struggling with depression may have low self-esteem that may lead to self-sabotaging behaviour and habits.
Is self-sabotaging a toxic trait?
While it may affect the person and those around them negatively in different aspects of life, it’s usually not considered a toxic trait. It can be managed and changed with the right guidance, support, and awareness.
Is self-sabotaging a symptom of bipolar?
Yes, it could be a concerning symptom of bipolar disorderi XA mental health condition in which a person experiences extreme mood swings, unusual shifts in energy, insomnia, and depression. .
Is self-sabotaging a symptom of BPD?
Borderline personality disorderi XA mental health disorder that leads to extreme mood swings, emotional distress, and unstable relations due the body’s inability to control emotions.
affects your thoughts and emotions, and may lead to self-sabotaging acts and behaviours.
Key Takeaways
- Self-sabotaging behavior may be caused by an underlying unresolved trauma, a fear of failure or a need for self preservation.
- Showing a lack of trust, not feeling worthy of love, avoiding intimacy, undervaluing your partner and always focusing on the negatives are a few signs that you are self-sabotaging your relationship.
- You can check this behavior pattern and turn it around by believing yourself to be worthy of love and a good relationship, always coming from a place of your highest self-esteem, and pursuing self-awareness through meditation or therapy.
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Why We Sabotage Relationships Before They've Even Started - The-Femme
Despite all of our unique differences, most single people have at least one thing in common: they look for a partner who attracts them, with who have a great connection and with whom they can be in a serious relationship.
The point is that we ourselves do a lot of things that can sabotage new, potentially good relationships before they even begin to develop.
No one is trying to deliberately sabotage relationships. In fact, sabotage is an unconscious attempt to protect oneself. As humans, we are wired to respond to potential threats, whether those threats are physical or emotional.
New relationships can be difficult. There are unanswered questions, the pressure to find a partner, and often it's a time when everything seems precarious and you don't know where the relationship is or where it's going. This can be an alarming time.
Depending on the quality of their upbringing and past relationships (including the family system), many people are programmed to respond to stress when they fear emotional trauma. For many people, the fear of rejection or the fear of absorption (an overwhelming level of attention and dependence on another person) can cause them to act unconsciously. Some common unconscious beliefs that cause fear and resistance that lead to relationship sabotage include:
- I am impossible to love.
Nobody will love me if they see the real me. - I have to give up myself in order to be in a relationship. I don't want to lose my freedom.
- I can't handle rejection. I don't want to get hurt.
If any of these attitudes sound familiar to you, explore the following five ways we sabotage our romantic relationships before they develop.
Look for what is wrong in a relationship .
We tend to get more of what we pay attention to. We live in a world that we create by simply choosing what we focus on. Always looking for what's wrong in a person is a relationship killer. Noticing red flags is helpful at the beginning of a relationship, but dwelling on the other person's harmless qualities can cause problems. Remember why you like him and try to accept his flaws.
Expect your partner to think and act like you.
Throughout our development, we form many ideas of what relationships should look like, often based on our unrealistic standards.
It is very important to give your partner the space to have an opinion. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you have three solid options: celebrate them, soften them up, or destroy them. Fred Rogers said it best: “Love is not a state of perfect care. This is an active action, a struggle. Loving someone means striving to accept that person exactly as he or she is right now.”
Look for a special meaning in everything.
Repeat after me: assumptions are useless. Assumptions are a projection of our own reality. Whether you're making special sense of the way the message is written, angry that your phone call wasn't answered quickly enough, or you're overanalyzing your last date, do yourself a favor and walk away from those musings. Looking for something wrong with everything is one of the most common things that cause unnecessary anxiety when a relationship should be fun.
Play games.
Let's face it, we've all done this in some way because we wanted to make sure the person liked us.
Not answering someone's call or text for a period of time to seem "cooler" or to get revenge because they answered you late is a bad idea. Lead by example. Sincerity is one of the most important things in a relationship, including in the beginning.
Expect too much too soon.
Whether it's spending time together, constant communication throughout the day, you need to accept that everyone moves at their own pace for their own reasons. Sometimes one person is more confident and wants things to move faster. I know it can be difficult, but the best thing you can do for yourself in a situation like this is to slow down and manage your anxiety.
Love is not a state of ideal care. This is an active action, a struggle. Loving someone means striving to accept that person exactly as he or she is right now.
Good news? It is possible to recover from such types of behavior. This can be done by first recognizing that the common denominator in the above examples is fear.
Before you get too demoralized or start blaming yourself for everything, remember what I mentioned earlier - what we bring to a relationship is directly related to things from our past. You don't sabotage the relationship on purpose. But, if we really want to grow, we must be willing to dig deep. We can gain a tremendous amount of insight by looking at our most ingrained influences and be prepared to challenge our oldest defenses.
Here are some ways to practice this:
Notice self-judgment. Try to be kinder and more compassionate towards yourself. When you can accept your painful feelings with understanding instead of judgment, you won't be so afraid of being hurt.
Consciously perceive mistakes and failures as the key to success, and not as a definition of your value. Give yourself permission to fail. Failures and mistakes show us where we need to grow, they are not indicators of your intelligence or worth.
Change your own definition of your value.
Define yourself by loving actions you do for yourself and others, not by the result of actions.
If these practices seem too difficult for you, and most likely they are, consider seeking help. Working with a therapist can be incredibly helpful in healing past wounds that are causing these unconscious behaviors in the first place.
When it comes to finding love, you don't have to be your own worst enemy. If you look at yourself in the mirror and measure yourself against these behaviors, your love life will be happier, healthier, and ultimately more fulfilling.
how we interfere with ourselves. Effective achievement of goals.
What to do and what not to do during sabotage: what mechanisms of passivity we use to escape from the problem, and what techniques of focusing attention and reducing resistance I suggest instead.
Who do you think hinders us the most on the way to the realization of our goals and plans? Oddly enough, as a rule, it is ourselves.
How does this happen?
Often a person who, on a conscious level, wants to achieve something, deep down, does not really want it. Admitting this to yourself is usually difficult, so most people come up with some kind of replacement activity for themselves. In particular, “passivity mechanisms” are used for this, which make it impossible to effectively achieve goals.
- doing nothing
- Overadaptation
- Agitation
- Grandiosomania
- Violence
- Helplessness
doing nothing
This is a classic form of passivity, sometimes referred to as laziness or procrastination. In this case, the person agrees to anything, but never does anything. It is even difficult to get any commitment from him. The maximum that he is ready to say is “I will try, I will try.” This is how children tell their parents “I will try” when they know for sure that they will not do anything.
Overadaptation
These are people who are needed by everyone except themselves. They are always busy, always busy, doing something for others, busying themselves, running about other people's business. This is a great way to do nothing for your own destiny and success and still look and feel very busy and needed.
Agitation
Remember how the fans yell at the stadiums when a football player scores a goal? Or how at concerts the crowd roars, listening to the idol, and the girls go crazy for the vocalist/guitarist? This is an artificially created arousal, with the help of which people provide themselves with some kind of activity, emotional arousal, and at the same time do nothing for themselves. Like the previous method, agitation helps to create the illusion of activity, which replaces real actions to achieve the goal.
Grandiosomania
In such a situation, a person occupies his mind with grandiose plans - the most serious and large, in comparison with which everyday affairs seem to be complete nonsense.
All these plans and ideas remain exclusively in the head, and a person does not even start them. But on the other hand, he can talk about them to his entire environment, receiving attention and enthusiasm about the solidity of his plans.
Violence
This is one of the "best" ways to distract from your own failures and unwillingness to change something. Show aggression towards others and vent your dissatisfaction on them and thus feel at least somewhat stronger. Without solving his own problems, a person can at least feel that he is affecting someone else.
Helplessness
This is the previous way, directed at yourself. If a person cannot show violence towards others, he begins to spoil his own life. Helplessness is a great way to change nothing, relieve yourself of responsibility and, by the way, continue to ruin the lives of others - after all, they most often become a victim of emotional blackmail and begin to help and save a helpless neighbor.
WHAT IS YOURS?
Analyze what ways to sabotage work on yourself and self-development are characteristic of you. You can apply them unconsciously or see how they work, but somehow it slows you down on the path to realizing your desires.
Causes of sabotage
Of course, behind these mechanisms there are certain reasons why a person does not want to become healthy, happy and joyful. And self-sabotage is just a tool.
And after you understand what mechanisms of passivity you use, try to diagnose which reason for self-sabotage is more suitable for you.
Diagnostics
The two most common ways we fail to accomplish our goals are lack of energy or too much resistance.
If it’s difficult for you to do anything at all, there is a general apathy, you don’t want anything - most likely, it’s a lack of energy. And if in general there are forces, but as soon as you get down to business, they disappear somewhere, then there is too much resistance inside.
Sabotage can be useful!
When dealing with sabotage, it is important to remember that it is not always harmful. It can perform a protective function. We often need time to readjust, digest changes, and stopping is necessary for this. Otherwise, the mind runs the risk of overstressing.
Therefore, it is important to be able to reconfigure, direct yourself and your activity to other areas of life. There are various techniques for this.
SABOTAGE TECHNIQUES
The "methods" to redirect energy, which are described at the beginning of the article, are among the non-constructive and do not help to solve the problem - neither at the moment of sabotage, nor later. They only create the illusion of decision, employment, or their own strength. Therefore, I offer you several techniques that will help you survive sabotage to your advantage, without forcing yourself, but also without indulging the desire to do nothing at all.
During sabotage, the first thing to do is to switch to "power saving mode". Do the bare minimum, the routine that is relatively easy to do, and pause the rest. And already from this mode, begin to apply the techniques of focusing attention and reducing resistance.
Energy Focusing Methods
Carnival. You just turn off your brain and "go to the carnival": to dance, to a party, to karaoke - wherever you want. You can even, for more relaxation, consciously choose an activity where you will look a little stupid - for example, having no hearing, go to karaoke.
How is this method different from the agitation described above? Outwardly, it may even be nothing. The most important thing is your inner awareness and the motivation with which you go to have fun. When it is a technique, you have a specific task. In this case, distract, redirect energy. You realize that the same rock concert is not a substitute for your self-realization, but simply a way to switch and relieve stress.
You remain in the center of events, at the edge of consciousness, remember yourself and your goals.
Retract. If you don't feel like doing something, you can say to yourself: “Okay. I won't be doing this today. But I'll dig into it for half an hour, just for the sake of order. We sit down and do 15-20-30 minutes. If it goes well, we move on, if not, we stop and switch. Then you can repeat. If possible, you can work all day with such “raids”. This technique is described in detail in the article "How to do more"
Switchover. If we feel that as soon as we approach the matter, a breakdown occurs, we switch to some other business and after a while we go to the second round, we try to start working again. The technique works well together with the previous method.
External stimulants. As a rule, these are our contacts. These are like-minded people who energize us, support loved ones. When sabotage occurs, you need to communicate with people who do not currently have it.
You can read more about the influence of the environment in the material at the link.
When there is sabotage, don't be afraid to ask for support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If the right relationships are built, you can go straight ahead and formulate: “I feel bad, I’m not lucky, I need support and a little energy.”
OPERATION WITH RESISTANCE
No struggle and no self-blame. In no case should one fight against sabotage, force oneself to do something by force. This only leads to frustration and frustration. You can achieve some temporary result, but then this technique of achieving goals results in a strong negative. It is important to use the principle of balance - do not force yourself, but do not turn into a "vegetable". Too often we slip, turn into jelly, "want nothing." Therefore, we do something, but do not force ourselves too much. Do the basic, routine things. It is important not to focus on sabotage and not berate yourself for this crisis.
Very often people fall into self-accusation, self-blame, this is not true. You need to try to do different things, switch attention.
Surveillance. Learn to observe what is happening. High alert mode. When you are in sabotage, when you are covered, you don’t feel like doing anything, start observing what you like, what you don’t like. And ask yourself - what am I resisting. You need to go into inner introspection.
Answer the questions:
- What is happening, what am I resisting, what changes?
- What is my subconscious afraid of?
- What in my “why” and in other techniques is under-twisted, unfinished?
This is self-study. During it, you open the deep layers of your subconscious programs.
We do not prevent the psyche from doing what it does. It is important to understand that the maintenance of the brain and body is now taking place at some level incomprehensible to you.
