Why cant i be in a relationship
8 Reasons You’re Still Single When You Don't Want to Be
After summer, fall often feels like a time for growth, for change – a time to reconnect with work, start new projects, and maybe even get serious about making a relationship happen. There are countless reasons why, despite your readiness, a relationship may elude you.
In my practice, I have seen many themes emerge that can explain why people are single when they don’t want to be. Working to find self-compassion and patience for the reasons you got to this dissatisfying and frustrating place can help you begin to feel less stuck.
While of course there are many, many reasons why you might not be in a relationship right now, we will look at some of the most common themes that contribute to the pain and, at times, shame of being single when you so don’t want to be.
Here are eight of the main reasons why people have trouble finding or sustaining a romantic relationship:
1. Feeling Undeserving
How do you understand who you are, your self-worth, and self-esteem? Even extensive studies of online dating show that we tend to date people who are very near our own perceived level of attractiveness, income, and education — we tend to choose mates who we think are very near how we think about ourselves.
So how do you think about yourself? If you feel great shame about the way you look or about things that have happened to you in your life, or feel you are painfully flawed in who you are, then this shame can overpower your ability to initiate contact or can draw you to people who are unable to commit for similar or even for very different reasons that still somehow feel familiar. You might feel as if your shame, your self-perceived "ugliness" or your painful shyness make it virtually impossible to find a mate, so why try? Or you may feel like anyone you could get, you wouldn’t want anyway. Maybe you were so badly hurt in a previous relationship that you are still stinging and full of shame at having been rejected, and you feel undeserving and fearful of the vulnerability required to find love again or for the first time.
Despite all these obstacles, you have an intense longing for connection. Feeling undeserving of romantic intimacy can at times contribute to participating in activities you feel shameful about, which can, in turn, increase your shame and make you feel less deserving — a vicious cycle.
There are some people who feel so profoundly undeserving of an intimate, connected, reciprocal relationship that they may seek out other ways to approximate intimacy that may ultimately feel even more demeaning to them. They may “pay” for intimacy rather than cultivating it on their own merits because they experience themselves as unlovable, so they instead go for a quick fix and then leave.
2. Intense, Insatiable Neediness
However you arrived at this place of intense need, it drives you to overwhelm your prospective partners. You have a constant, insatiable need for reassurance. Nothing is enough. Nothing feels good enough. You ask for praise, even beg for it, but then can't accept when it's given to you.
The level of insecurity you feel leaves little if any room to establish a healthy reciprocal relationship because conversations with prospective partners must involve reasons why you are lovable, and without that reassurance, you feel unlovable.
As you have painfully discovered, it is often just too much to ask for, and you end up alone, which in turn creates even more insecurity, shame, and despair.
Working on understanding how your need for reassurance reached this insatiable point may help you feel compassion for yourself because chances are something was terribly awry in your past. Recognizing how much your neediness is interfering with finding and sustaining a relationship are the first steps to developing healthier ways to seek the reassurance you long for from yourself first and foremost, which will make it far easier for prospective partners.
3. Being Unrealistically Discriminating
Maybe your parents had a hard time giving you praise or weren’t satisfied with your achievements as a child. Maybe the opposite was true: You received immense amounts of praise and learned to expect perfection as the norm, or maybe it's both. Regardless, over time these experiences created a loud voice in your head that tells you your prospective mates aren’t good enough.
This opinion is so dominant that you don't give partners a chance. You may even have retrospective regret about ending past relationships because you recognize you were too picky — if it weren’t for your need for perfection, oh what could have been with various partners in your past? Or, you may feel that there just isn’t anyone you have come across that you like enough to partner with. You might believe prospective partners out there are as picky as you have been, and therefore wouldn’t find you appealing, so again, why not cut it off before it begins?
Another scenario: You may feel like you have already gone through the pack of prospects and none of them worked out, so based on this limited group you are convinced that there is no one right for you out there, therefore, the right person simply doesn't exist.
In these cases, it’s important to recognize that regardless of how expansive you think the pond that you've fished in is, there is still a whole ocean out there you haven’t yet discovered.
Maybe in addition to reevaluating your requirements for a partner, you can work on recognizing that you are unfairly limiting your options. It might be time to work on taking a step back, expanding your belief system, reinvigorating your hopefulness, and even opening up the pool in which you’re searching.
Even if you’re not interested in a long-distance relationship, options exist now that never did before (the internet) that at the very least allow you to look out into the world at other people in other places to remind you that there are, in fact, great people out there — you just haven’t met them yet. Knowing people exist outside your limited pool can be inspiring in its own right, and can create an experience of hopefulness, which is a powerful and motivating feeling to have in any circumstance.
4. Pressure
You are painfully aware of how badly your family wants you to couple. All your friends are in relationships. Now this external pressure has intensified your own need and your own fears about remaining single.
Pressure can also promote a feeling of shame, hopelessness, and despair, and can compel you to choose indiscriminately at times. Because these reactions belong to the pressure and not to you, they are more likely to add to your frustration than to assuage the pressure. If not identified, the pressure can start to pervade every part of your being – even when no one says a word to you, you still feel it. It can be paralyzing. Understanding the overwhelming nature of this pressure is the first step toward diluting its power.
5. Burned Badly
If you’ve been devastated in past relationships, it can make it hard to trust new ones. Despite wanting a relationship, you can have a tough time entering or maintaining a new relationship. Think about it: Of course, if every time you did something it resulted in being slapped in the face, you start to expect you’ll be slapped in the face and therefore you try to avoid those situations or assume everyone is out to get you.
Furthermore, in your shame, frustration, anger, and despair at having been so badly hurt, you may have lost the incentive (for the time being) to take care of yourself physically, which most certainly makes it more difficult to feel confident in getting out there and meeting someone new. No matter what, it doesn’t take away from the solid, kind, loving person that you are, and those qualities, whether they are recognized right now by a prospective partner or not are the foundation that will ultimately lead you to a meaningful relationship. But for now, your pattern of negative beliefs about yourself physically and emotionally is unfortunately reinforcing. Your inability to trust may even compel you to see everyone who comes your way as potentially predatory – wanting something from you before they abandon you. This conditioned belief system can make you wary, angry, defensive, fearful, and suspicious about entering a new relationship despite your intense longing for connection.
6.
Driving Past Partners Away
Perhaps you see yourself as having sabotaged a previous relationship? Deep down, this experience can make you feel undeserving of a new one (see #1). Or you may just feel like you’re bound to mess things up so why try? Why not just beat your prospective partner to the punch, mess things up first, and get it over with? Sabotaging the relationship allows you to be able to say, “See I told you so. I’m undeserving of a relationship.” But, in actuality, you may have purposefully and excessively tested the relationship to try to make yourself feel confident in its strength (see #2). Either way, it’s a mess – these dynamics do not encourage a healthy relationship. When your past experiences interfere with and pollute your current prospects, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Think about your past relationships. Were you abandoned or did you sabotage? Was it a combination of both? If you’ve intentionally or unintentionally driven people away in the past, it can feel insurmountably difficult to avoid this pattern in future relationships.
But, it’s not impossible. The most important part is to work hard on viewing each prospective partner as different than the previous one who hurt you, even if you can find tons of similarities. They are still different people with different histories and different life experiences. It is much easier to lump your previous partners together with current and future prospects, but then you end up missing valuable, unique qualities and differences that can help you see new potential in new mates that help you to be open to possibilities.
7. Trauma
Trauma comes in many insidious forms. If not addressed and managed in a nurturing and supportive setting, it can mess up your perspective and your capacity to love and trust. If you were traumatized at any time in your life or in earlier relationships, you can be left feeling untrusting and suspicious. If you do happen to accidentally or even somehow purposely repeat patterns that were traumatic, the experience can be disorganizing, disconcerting, and alarming.
It can make you feel as if you are destined to repeat the dysfunction as if you have no hope for a rewarding, reciprocal, mutually supportive, and trusting relationship yourself. When trauma occurs, it is crucial to find a safe person and a safe space to process the trauma, to understand its impact on you, and to begin the work of disentangling yourself from its ugly hold. Doing so begins to dilute its power, which in turn can help you work toward not continuing to repeat damaging patterns in your relationships.
8. The Timing Has Just Been Off
You may know you are an amazing, wonderful, attractive person. You may have grown up in a way that lets you remain confident in how amazing and wonderful you are. You may have little if any, significant negative relationship history. You may identify somewhat with some of the reasons in this article, but nothing extreme enough that you wouldn’t be able to overcome these challenges if and when the opportunity presents.
The problem is, the opportunity hasn’t been presented. You know you’re not defective. But still, things just don’t align. You find yourself without a partner, no matter how badly you want one. That’s likely due to difficult, unfortunate timing. It can become so frustrating that you end up feeling intensely pressured (see #4).
There are a number of ways to understand this experience. It’s entirely possible that despite difficult, challenging timing, deep down you continue to long for a relationship. In this situation, patience is a virtue. But patience doesn’t mean sitting around! You don’t need to throw yourself at the singles bars like a ball in a pinball machine, but rather, work on being okay with being single for now while continuing to be in the world. Patience means doing the things you enjoy. It means hanging out with your married friends. It means continuing to experience new things while remaining open to the possibility that eventually a light bulb will go off above some potentially interested mate’s head.
Until then, there may just be circumstances that make a relationship unrealistic right now, and that's okay.
When you think about it, what’s the point of not remaining hopeful in the world? Continuing to push yourself into interesting, new experiences and working on enjoying your everyday experiences allows you to find fulfillment in life without a partner while continuing to remain open to the possibility that your timing will change and that you’ll eventually find someone.
Another possibility is that it may be less complicated to make peace with your misaligned timing and learn to be okay single (for now), rather than continuing to hope for a relationship. There are some people that may feel confused by societal or familial pressure, but really are more comfortable on their own (see my previous post). Maybe your unfortunate timing isn’t exactly that – maybe you’re more comfortable being single than you have given yourself credit for, and that's okay too.
What holds you back in your quest for a relationship? Is it one of the eight reasons I listed above? Are you a combination of more than one? For you, what are some of the reasons that I didn't get into in this post that you help you understand why you are single when you don't want to be? By doing some self-exploration and working on identifying how aspects of your previous experiences and sense of self interfere with being in a relationship, you can begin to sort through the obstacles in your path.
Or, if part of the reason you aren’t in a relationship is that you are just not ready, or maybe just not interested, you can work on honoring your own timeline, and revisit the idea of a relationship in another season.
There are so many reasons that people find themselves single when they don’t want to be. This is only a quick sampling – a preview that can help you start to look inside yourself for the real reasons that hold you back. By deepening your compassion for yourself and your understanding of your own contributions to how and why you’re single, you begin to make room for self-acceptance as a single person, which in turn can potentially create new relationship possibilities. All the possibilities you can think of are reasonable. Find your reasons. Embrace them. Process them. This process may allow you to be surprised in a positive way.
Can't Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be Stopping You
By: El Payo
By Andrea M. Darcy
Worry that you’ve never actually been in love but are just pretending? Or that something is wrong with you and you actually can’t fall in love? Have you decided that love is silly anyways, you don’t really need it?
Psychologically speaking, we do need love.
Not the false representation offered by films and novels (more often than not a culture of addictive relationships over real love). But consistent connection and support from others that helps us recognise our value.
Shutting down to love can lead not just to loneliness but to depression, anxiety, and a lowered immune system.
So before you decide that you can’t fall in love, consider if these psychological blocks are the real problem.
10 Psychological issues that mean you can’t fall in love
1. Fear of intimacy.
Is there a point part way into any relationship where you start to experience feelings of panic? And either sabotage the connection or just leave? Do people tell you you have a ‘wall’ they can’t get past?
Just because you appear confident and positive in relationships doesn’t mean you don’t suffer from fear of intimacy. We can’t fall in love unless we trust others enough to show them our weak side and our worries.
So fear of intimacy is fear of being fully seen for all that you are, and also fear of being seen as imperfect.
[Read more in our popular article, ‘7 Surprising Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy’].
2. Low self-worth.
Do thoughts occasionally pop into your head like, ‘I am just too hard to love”, or, “there are too many things wrong with me”? Do you often feel flawed, ugly, or useless?
Low self-worth means you feel like you are not as good as other people or that there is something wrong with you that can’t be fixed. It’s normal to struggle with self-esteem now and then. But if you truly feel you are worthless, it either attracts someone who will take advantage of you over love you, or means you might hide from love, worried others will only see the negative things you focus on.
[Our comprehensive ‘Guide to Self-Esteem Issues’ can help you recognise if this is something you are struggling with].
3. Dependency.
Do you get so needy whenever someone likes you that you scare them away?
Dependency is when you have a core belief that you cannot manage life by yourself and need others to take care of you.
You are unable to see your own inner resources. It might mean as a child you were heavily criticised or discouraged from being independent.
4. Abandonment issues.
By: er madx
Do you constantly worry the person you are dating is going to cheat on you or leave you? Do you often leave at the slightest sign they are not happy with you?
Being let down or neglected by the adults around us as a child, even if as an adult we can rationalise what happened (a family death, a divorce that was for the best), can affect our capacity to trust others. Which can mean we can’t fall in love easily, or at all.
5. Codependency.
Do you want to make others happy in relationships, but somehow always end up feeling unhappy and drained yourself? Do you often feel you are madly in love, then suddenly you see your partner totally differently and panic?
Codependency involves confusing pleasing others with love. It often stems from a childhood where you were only given attention if you were a ‘good’ child, or were forced to take care of others instead of being taken care of.
6. Attachment issues.
Are you an independent person who is horrified to feel needy and manipulative whenever you try to like someone? Do relationships cause fear and anxiety for you? Or do you just feel completely unable to trust anyone to do what they say?
Attachment theory believes that to grow up into an emotionally stable adult, we need to have had a strong, trusting bond with a caregiver as an infant. And we needed that bond to be consistent no matter what our behaviour was; happy, sad, or upset. Otherwise we grow up into the codependent or intimacy-fearing adults mentioned above who feel they can’t fall in love.
7. Childhood abuse.
Do you just not trust anyone? Or are you attracted to the wrong types of people despite yourself?
Abuse of any kind, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse, can leave you an adult who is wary of letting others close.
Left unresolved, childhood abuse can also lead to choosing partners who are abusive, neglectful, or unavailable, replicating the pattern you learned as a child.
Even if you convince yourself it is love at first, it isn’t. Abuse never is.
8. Addictive behaviours.
Do you mean to find love, but your work is so important that each year a relationship gets put to the bottom of the pile? Or do you not have time for a relationship because you spend two hours at the gym every night?
Just because a behaviour is socially acceptable doesn’t mean it’s healthy. If something like work, exercise, or overeating has become an addiction for you, it can not only mean there is no room in your life for love. But that you have deeper issues around relationships you are using your addictive behaviours to hide from.
By: Pixel Addict
9. Perfectionism can mean you can’t fall in love.
Are you endlessly seeking for the perfect partner but can’t find them?
There is having standards and self-respect, and then there is using perfectionism to block love and hold so tightly to an unrealistic view of love you end up alone.
Perfectionism becomes a psychological issue when it is used to hide fear of intimacy and low self-esteem, as well as things like black and white thinking.
10. Personality disorders.
Do you just feel completely confused by why you can’t have a good relationship, or not understand why it seems so easy for others when you try so hard but fail?
It might be you have a personality disorder, which refers to consistent patterns of thinking and behaving you would have had since adolescence that are markedly different from the norm.
Because you think and feel differently than others, it makes it hard for others to understand you and be in a relationship with you. It can sometimes mean, like in the case of schizoid personality disorder, for example, you don’t even feel an attraction to others in the first place.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) in particular is known for making healthy relationships a challenge.
Sufferers deeply want to be loved, but are so emotionally sensitive and afraid of abandonment that trying to fall in love is overwhelming. It leads to overreacting, sabotage, and depression.
And if these issues are why I can’t fall in love?
First of all, don’t panic. You are far from alone with your issues. Sadly, we live in a society that often means children don’t receive the protection and care they need to grow up allowing themselves to be loved. All of the above issues are actually ones that counsellors and psychotherapists deal with all the time.
The good news is that you can absolutely learn to overcome, or at the very least manage, the issues that block you from receiving and giving love. Can’t fall in love becomes a can. All forms of counselling and psychotherapy help you with relating to others simply as they give you a clearer idea of who you are and what you want from life and relationships.
For example, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a popular short-term therapy that helps you change the way you think and feel, including how you feel about yourself and others.
And some forms of therapy even specialise just in looking at your patterns or relating to those around you, including cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) and dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT).
Want to work with a therapist who can help you break your blocks to love? We connect you with top therapists in Central London. If you aren’t in London, find a registered UK therapist on our booking platform, where you’ll also find Skype therapists you can talk to from anywhere in the world.
Have we forgotten a psychological issue that means you can’t fall in love? Share below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this site. You can find her @am_darcy.
Why you don't want relationships with the opposite sex at all: 5 reasons
In many cultures, the preference to remain a bachelor (as a person who does not want a relationship is called) is not considered the norm and is condemned by society.
But this does not mean that the absence of a pair is wrong.
There are many reasons why people prefer to be alone. There is nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship at all, no need to explain why this is so. However, if an event in the past is holding you back from emotional attachment, this may be an issue that needs to be worked out with a professional.
What could be the reasons why a person does not want a relationship?
1. "No concessions!"
Relationships are about endless compromise and collaboration. Loners can do whatever they want, when they want. They can only think about their duties and how to make themselves happy. But in a relationship, we always think about the partner. If we are making plans, we should think about how it will affect the other person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your freedom. This may be one of the reasons that keep you from entering into a serious relationship.
2.
Emotional inaccessibility Many do not like to express their feelings and keep them to themselves. They do not want to share experiences with others, and sometimes they do not want to experience strong emotions at all. After all, it makes them feel vulnerable, weak, afraid of rejection.
Relationships mean deep communication with a partner and the opportunity to open up to another. To some, this seems impossible, so they avoid a serious relationship at all costs.
3. Trauma of the past
Negative experiences can be another reason why a person does not want to have a relationship with the opposite sex. Traumatic events can cause feelings of anxiety, fear, and even symptoms of depression. And if they are involved with a romantic partner, it is obvious that you will not want to start a relationship in the near future.
If the injury was severe enough, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur. PTSD can cause a person to be genuinely afraid of a relationship, or it can lead to significant stress with new intimacy with someone.
In this case, it is highly recommended to seek the help of a specialist.
4. Self-doubt
Low self-esteem is a common reason people choose not to get into relationships. The fear of rejection is too great and we don't want to risk it.
In order to be in a serious relationship, we must truly love ourselves. We must understand that the partner sees us as a special person to trust him (or her) when we are told about love. That's why we hear the phrase so often: "You can't love others if you don't love yourself."
5. "So good"
Many singles don't see the need to commit themselves to anyone. We live in a modern world, and a certain number of people find satisfaction in the single life because they like it.
You may be focused on a career or on self-improvement. If you are happy, then stay alone for as long as you want. Just because others find someone for marriage and commitment doesn't mean it's for everyone.
If you feel comfortable and happy without a partner, there is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to get romantically involved because that's what society wants. If you decide to be single for the sake of feeling free and happy, that's fine, and you have to justify your decision.
On the other hand, if the phrase “I don't want a relationship” hides resentment, anger and unprocessed trauma, you should admit it and seek help from a psychologist.
Source
Unstable ties, or why long-term relationships don't work out
A still from Gone with the Wind
Today we see more and more successful, beautiful, smart women who want to create long-term and lasting relationships, but each time they fail . And if at first it may seem to you that the reason is in the man, in his character, or simply in the circumstances, then with each subsequent unsuccessful romance, more and more questions will arise for you about your own person.
Of course, any case is individual, but there are also general behavioral tendencies that block the path to personal happiness. We tell you which ones.
You stand on tiptoe
When a relationship is just beginning, the desire to please is mutual for lovers. You want to do something nice for him, to please and please. And, it would seem, there is nothing reprehensible in this desire - until such time as the matter goes too far ( read also: "6 things that should never be done for a man").
For some people, expressing their desires openly is not an easy task. Calmly stating that you do not want to watch this movie, that you want a steak, not a salad, and that you suffer from heartburn from red dry, may seem shameful and unacceptable to you. But is it really so?
A frame from the movie "Bridget Jones's Diary"
"To stand on tiptoe" means to seem better than you really are. And the most surprising thing here is that for a partner, your “best” image may not be as attractive as you think, but, on the contrary, excessive and repulsive.
In an effort to show oneself on the good side, there is an unconscious desire to receive approval and be accepted. But if you look deeper, then in fact this attitude is laid down from childhood - in order for your mother to be satisfied and love, you need to be a good girl. Phrases that come from every playground - "behave", "don't be mean" or even the question "are you a good girl?" - are practically sewn into the culture of education.
The problem with "good girls" is that they give up their desires for the sake of others and do not accept all of themselves at all, preferring only socially approved behavior.
A frame from the film "The Good Girl"
A holistic personality is one that is multifaceted, spontaneous and reactive in its manifestations. To give a negative reaction to an insult without lowering your eyes to the floor is the norm. It is also normal to refuse the first kiss if you are not ready for it yet, without fear that a man will consider you touchy and leave.
In family life, the “stand on tiptoe” attitude turns into the fact that a woman endures and holds back every time she doesn’t like something. But sooner or later, even angelic patience comes to an end: and then a tub of mud is poured on the head of an unsuspecting spouse. But all this time he was in the illusion of an ideal relationship.
You don't talk about relationships
In 90% of cases, all disagreements and conflicts in a relationship are due to the inability to correctly convey your need to another. We are more often silent, we leave the conversation, we are offended, trying to show our partner our displeasure with all our looks. Man is a social being, and he builds his communication using not only facial expressions and gestures, but also the main means of communication - speech. It is not difficult to assume that in order to fulfill the needs of another person, we need to hear and realize this need.
A seemingly easy way to start talking about your desires is actually a skill that needs to be worked on.
Still from the film "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"
In psychology, the word "show up" is often used, that is, to openly declare one's feelings and emotions. For example: “I get angry when you talk to me in that tone,” or “I feel very hurt when you leave me alone in an unfamiliar company.” At first glance, it may seem that these phrases are no different from accusations. However, on closer examination, you can see that they do not have a hint of an assessment of the behavior of another - only facts.
It is important to remember that, as a rule, it is the assessment that causes a strong reaction from the partner and is perceived negatively. Phrases that begin with the presentation of their feelings, on the contrary, contain great potential for conflict resolution and a field for productive conversation. In family therapy, in the presence of a psychologist, it is possible to maintain many unions of two loving people, thanks to the skill of open communication. Using such phrases, already at the first stages, you can say a lot about yourself and understand a lot about your lover.
You don't know how to ask
The topic of women, who are sometimes ahead of many men in strength of spirit and grasp, is being discussed especially actively today. The trend is this: strong women are taught to be weak, or at least appear to be. They are taught to ask for help, to allow themselves to be taken care of, and to forget about their wallet when they bring a check to a cafe on a first date.
There is nothing wrong with playing this role once or twice, but when it comes to long-term relationships, the philosophy of life of a strong woman will still make itself felt sooner or later. Which men are most attracted to them? As a rule - soft, flexible, able to accept someone else's point of view without much discussion, able to please, executive. And what kind of men does such a woman want to see next to her? Strong, demanding, assertive, assertive, tenacious, self-confident, persistent. In fact, she wants to be with a man equal to herself - but she meets the complete opposite.
Still from the film “The Disappeared”
The behavior of a strong woman is most often based on a difficult, broken relationship with her mother. From early childhood, a girl may be deprived of maternal care and love for various reasons. In this case, the mother is actually present in her daughter's life, but she plays her parental role purely formally. In such relationships there is no deep affection, warmth and trust.
In another case, the mother does not take part in the upbringing of the child at all. It happens that the relationship between parents is built on the principle of "strong woman - weak man." The father may not really be one, but the child does not have the opportunity at an early age to realize the true relationship between the parents. The setting is fixed: mom says what to do - dad does. An inverted, distorted model of behavior in the family of parents has every chance to be realized later in your own life ( read also: “Loves but leaves: 7 reasons why men leave those they are really in love with”).
You embrace someone else's ideals
Each generation has its own set of stereotypes that influence the choices we make. Today, for example, people still continue to speak with disdain about those who have given birth and those who have stayed too long in brides. Mothers pass on to their daughters attitudes from the series “in our family, all women got married at 18” or “all men cheat, the main thing is to bring home a salary.” And the media continue to publish statistics of marriages, as if slightly condemning those who made the decision to divorce ( see also: "This is sexism: how modern society humiliates women").
Formed behavior that was successful in the past may be completely irrelevant in the present, and yet we continue to blindly follow it. Taken for granted, but not understood, these old attitudes lie like a heavy stone in the depths of our psyche. Like undigested food, they prevent us from living - but it seems impossible to do otherwise and break the trend in behavior.
In fact, we do not even wonder why it is necessary to get married at the age of 18 and what is the need for this? What does the meaning of the word “old-timer” really mean, and what difficulties can a woman who decides to become a mother at 20 or 35 years old face? Blindly following what has been said, women are in a hurry to find a husband, and not a beloved man, to get married, because it's time and time is running out.
There is usually no talk of love and mutual understanding in marriages concluded, in fact, just like that. The life span of such unions can be very long, but happiness is not measured by the number of years lived together.
You are waiting for a prince from a fairy tale
Even if you grew up in a prosperous family, successfully graduated from an educational institution and found a decent job, there is no guarantee that you will meet the same man. Most often, it is not customary in families to conduct an open dialogue with children on the topic of relationships.
Through fairy tales and folklore, the same model of married life is instilled in girls from early childhood - take at least "Beauty and the Beast", "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", "Cinderella" or "The Frog Princess". Few parents discuss the plot of the picture and interpret the meaning of what they see in a language understandable to the child. Even fewer are those who teach the child to reason and draw their own conclusions.
Fairy tales and cartoons are a means of entertainment, but through them a clear stereotype of behavior in married life is laid.
Having become an adult, a woman acts out the script laid down in her childhood. Choosing a man, she seems to go with the flow, not realizing that everything that happens is the work of her unconscious. Someone implements the "Rescuer" scenario: meeting men with addictions, they try to change the chosen one, making him better. Others play the role of a victim, getting into a family with a decent man, but an unbearable mother-in-law, similar to the stepmother from Cinderella.
