Why are men scared of commitment

Eight Common Fears That Men Have of Making a Commitment

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Over the years as a clinical psychologist and researcher, I’ve found that guys have eight common fears of commitment, all of which have their roots in childhood and adolescence. The process of picking, projecting and provoking these fears can lead men to recreate their negative relationship scenarios and sabotage themselves when it comes to romance and love. Unfortunately, if a man is not growing and working on his issues, he will often follow these same patterns over and over again with woman after woman—sinking his possibilities of committed love into the netherworld.

I know you may be all too familiar with men’s fears in this department, but bear with me. I want you to have a much deeper understanding of the minds of men. Remember, there is a matter of degree of difficulty: some men are truly mired in their issues, while others are growing and working on themselves. You want to determine if your prospective partner is in the mired-in-quicksand category so that you can get out quickly and cut your losses. But if he is moving forward with developing himself, understanding these self-sabotaging patterns will help you know how to key into his psychology.

1. Fear of Rejection

This is a man who is afraid a woman will suddenly lose interest and abandon him. Because of this, he has a hard time having honest straight talk and is very afraid of conflict. When the inevitable disagreements and differences come up in a relationship, he stuffs his feelings and drifts away. He prefers email or texts when dealing with uncomfortable issues. He doesn’t have the courage to stand up to his partner, so problems fester and blow up. When tension reaches the boiling point, he doesn’t have the cajones to break up. Instead he becomes passive-aggressive, gently slipping away as his texts and calls fade out—or he quickly dumps you before you can dump him. Above all, he fears rejection, a feeling so painful, that it is almost like annihilation, like being completely destroyed. So he slithers around any direct conflict.

Many men suffer from some degree of this conflict-avoidant pattern. That’s because guys tend to have much more difficulty in dealing with stress. Research shows that after an argument, men’s heart rates and blood pressure readings get more elevated than women’s[i]. And they stay elevated. Why? Because men, unlike women, have a more difficult time soothing and quieting themselves down after any kind of upset. So they may pull away and distance themselves emotionally in order to calm down.

Fear of Rejection: The Story of Emmett

Emmett, one of my therapy clients, was a computer security expert who had a history of falling for gorgeous Asian women whom he believed were “out of his league.” Emmett met Riko, a much younger Japanese woman, online. He was awestruck by her delicate beauty. Riko looked up to Emmett and his great intelligence. Nonetheless, he told me in numerous sessions how he was sure she would get disenchanted and leave him. After several months, Emmett was very unhappy with Riko’s passivity during sex. He shared his unhappiness with me but even after my prodding, he refused to tell his lover. Eventually, Emmett agreed to a joint session with Riko. He was very nervous that when he was straight with Riko she would storm out (like his mother, who had a difficult personality). But with support, he was able to speak his truth. Riko was fine about it. She had her own issues about Emmett’s lack of support for her work as a graphic designer. Whenever she brought this up, Emmett tended to clam up and withdraw. But he was committed to therapy and over time the couple worked together and to Emmett’s great relief, became engaged.

Fear of Rejection Warning Signs: He avoids angry exchanges like the plague. If there is a disagreement, he tends to pull away and use text/email or simply does not respond to your messages.

2. Fear of Being Controlled and Smothered

Because of the strong mothering pressure that most men experience growing up, fear of being controlled is also a common pattern. In my experience, men value their independence and freedom even more greatly than women. Remember that in order to define their own separate identities, they really had to pull away from their mother early on in their lives. This battle for a separate identity is, according to some scholars on gender differences, harder for men than women.[ii] As a result, many men grow up with a view of women as weights that hold them down or as controlling objects that won’t let them go. You can hear these fears echoed in the phrases men use, like, “the ball and chain,” and “she had me by the balls.” It’s easy to see then how marriage becomes the definite marker of an imbalance of power—where the woman-as-wife simply takes over the man’s life.

When the fear of smothering is very strong, it leads to classic commitment phobia. Talk of a future makes this guy quiet, nervous, upset, or angry. He may be reluctant to act like he’s in a couple when you are with friends or out in public. He may only speak in the first person, saying “I” instead of “we” or “me” instead of “us. ” He may keep you away from his friends and family. Guys who are afraid of smothering may be in an on-again-off-again relationship for years—where he always seems to want you when you break up because he then feels free and unencumbered—yet he just cannot pull the trigger and commit when you are together because it feels like he is losing his independence.

If the relationship has progressed to having regular sex, he may need to make an escape by asking you to leave or going home instead of spending the night. He may feel distant and emotionally unavailable to you. He may say he is not sure what love really is or that he is incapable of experiencing love. This is the guy who comes right out and says that he does not believe in love and marriage or getting serious and settling down with one person.

No matter how much love he feels, this is a man who is terrified of jumping fully into a long-term relationship. Bottom line: he believes he can’t be himself and fully be with a woman. In his view, he has to give up the lead role in his own life if he is stuck in a supporting role with you and/or the children. It seems like his golf, buddies, bar days, sports, and even the Super Bowl are going to be ripped away by the all-powerful, all-controlling vortex of the couple. For this man, commitment, love, and marriage mean being trapped in a cage from which there is no escape.

Fear of Being Controlled: The Story of Jon

Jon, a 40-year-old businessman had a series of relationships each lasting around six months to a year. He fell madly in love with brunette after brunette and pursued each of them vigorously until the moment things became serious and “her thoughts of marriage” were in the air. At that moment everything would reverse and he would feel like the hunted one instead of the hunter. Jon would become anxious, and agitated and feel like he had to get away from each woman at all costs as if his very life depended on it. In his last relationship, Jon claimed that he was forced into an actual engagement. But he was saved by an unlikely ally. He told me that right after he gave her the ring, he started having full-blown panic attacks. Jon described them as attacks in which he couldn’t breathe and his chest became so tight and painful that he thought he was having a heart attack. With these frightening symptoms, Jon felt like he had the excuse he needed. He told his girlfriend that something was really wrong with him and he broke up with her.

During therapy, Jon came to realize that his fear of being smothered had destroyed his last relationship and would prevent him from any chance at real love. Only then did he begin working seriously on facing and overcoming his severe commitment fears.

Fear Of Being Controlled Warning Signs: He may act like a super confident captain of industry until he has to say the three magic words or you want a definite date or commitment. Then he turns and runs for cover. Or he may act like your knight in shining armor where he takes orders from you, always looking to please you in a way that feels like he is one-down in the relationship. Until he balks when it comes to moving in together or getting engaged. Only then do you realize that his cooperation was an illusion.

3. Fear of Not Being Lovable

Because of not being prized and validated growing up, a man may have a core unconscious fear that he is simply not lovable. He feels insecure and not good enough. This type of guy is looking to you for approval, asking what you think, before he makes decisions. In the beginning, he tries hard and works overtime to make you happy. His feelings depend on what you think and feel. If you are sad, disappointed, or afraid, he is really upset and takes it as a measure of his fundamental lack of worth.

The net effect is that he feels emotionally uncomfortable in the relationship, like it is not a good fit for him. He may feel like the woman is out of his league. So when it comes time to take that next step to commitment, to say the "L" word or talk about a future, he is passive, quiet and tends to pull away from you.

Another sign of this particular type is the man that cannot tolerate your innocent flirting with guys or talking about your ex. He gets depressed, moody and withdraws. If you cheat, forget about it: this man will not fight to win you back. Instead he will collapse internally under a mountain of self-hate.

Fear of Not Being Lovable: The Story of Jason

Jason, a 31-year-old internet marketer, suffered from a fear of not being lovable, or worthy. At a local bar, he met Felicia, a sloe-eyed and beautiful Pilates trainer. Jason was tipsy and confident as he swept Felicia away with his quick wit. They wound up sharing that first night together. Felicia pursued Jason, asking him to join her at various parties and events. Jason came along, but usually had a few drinks to loosen up. A few “good” months went by. One night, Felicia met her ex at a party and flirted with him. Seeing this, Jason sulked and withdrew from her. He was not responsive to any of her attempts to reconnect, even refusing to come over for “make-up” sex. A few weeks later, he called the whole thing off, rejecting Felicia apparently before she could reject him.

Fear of Not Being Lovable Warning Signs: He may be very quiet or shy. Or he seeks approval by doing things that are helpful or giving. He finds it hard to talk about his own wants and needs. He is more passive and tends to enjoy solitary activities including sports or computer games. He cannot handle any competition from other guys—it usually spells the end of the relationship.

4. Fear of Not Measuring Up

While the fear of not measuring up is closely related to the fear of not being lovable, it has its roots in men’s biology and in our culture. Men are biologically wired to perform and produce. Plus they have been taught by this materialistic culture that the measure of a man’s worth is how successful he is in terms of power and money. Men often feel they must succeed at everything they do: in school; sports; video games; relationships; as lovers; as parents; and, as breadwinners. Some men feel that if they fail in any of these arenas, they are losers.

The fear of not measuring up also has its origins in families where boys are driven to be perfect; to get all “A”s, to excel on the football field or by their mothers (often single or divorced) to be the “men of the house.” It’s very difficult if not impossible for a boy or even an 18- or 21-year-old to feel like a man. So you can understand how he might still feel like he isn’t man enough or that he doesn’t measure up.

This particular fear can make it very difficult to move forward into a committed relationship with a partner, no matter how terrific she is. At his core, this type of man is terrified that he can’t give a woman what she deserves or needs. His anxiety can be magnified if he is really smitten with her—so the more he is into her, the faster he thinks he will fail in some irretrievable way.

Often this type of guy needs a “trophy” girlfriend who is sexy and over-the-top beautiful to “prove” that he is measuring up as a successful man. He may or may not have real feelings for her, even if they are together for years.

Fear of Not Measuring Up: The Story of Wayne

Wayne, a 29-year-old event promoter had a strong fear of not measuring up. He grew up with a “Great Santini” father, a career military man who constantly pushed Wayne but rarely praised him. Yet, Wayne turned out to be very successful at a relatively young age winning over club owners with his brash can-do attitude. On top of that, Wayne had managed to win the heart of the stunning Li, a 30-year-old Broadway dancer, who had her choice of suitors. They had been together for two years, but as she pressed to move into his place, he nervously told her he was not sure, that he did not know what love really was. When Wayne’s business slowed down, he began withdrawing from Li so that they were down to seeing each other about once a week. Then, at one of his events, Wayne met a young model and took her right to bed. He began courting the new girlfriend while still maintaining some contact with Li. Finally, Li confronted Wayne and he confessed. Wayne tried to make it up to her but he refused to make a commitment for the future. After a few torturous months, Li told him that she was done. Li packed up the things she had left at Wayne’s apartment and slammed the door while he watched helplessly. That’s when Wayne came to see me.

After a few months of therapy, Wayne realized how he had self-destructed when his business started to fail. His fears of not measuring up had grabbed him by the throat and to make himself feel like a man again he went after the model. Unfortunately, that only worked for a short period of time. Wayne told me that he was ashamed that his fears had driven away the only woman he had ever loved.

With my encouragement, Wayne asked Li to come back. Actually, he begged her. Wayne also invited her to join him in a few therapy sessions. When Li saw that Wayne had true remorse and after he asked her to marry him (with a ring) she did forgive him. They continued in couple’s therapy until after they were married.

Fear of Not Measuring Up Warning Signs: He brags and may exaggerate his accomplishments to the point of lying about them. Winning at work or with women is critical to his feeling OK. If this type of guy experiences a setback in work, he may slink away in shame or like Wayne find another woman to boost his ego.

5. Fear of Being Found Out

As a man gets closer to a woman, he may fear that he will become exposed, because he has to reveal fears or feelings that are “unmanly” or a shameful family secret. This is especially true if he had difficult, demanding parents that shamed him when he cried or acted like a “wuss.” A similar fear of commitment can also develop when a man is ashamed about his history or family. He may harbor secrets about relatives who are in mental hospitals, in jail or just poor.

You may have seen this type of guy depicted on film or TV as the man who can only get married if he completely hides his past. On the award-winning series Mad Men, the super successful hunky lead, ad executive Don Draper, has completely hidden his background and even changed his identity including his name. For a long time on the show, no one, including his beleaguered upper-middle-class wife, knows his true history. Draper’s whole life is about keeping secrets, all driven by the fear of being found out. For this type of guy, opening up and expressing his deeper feelings is impossible because he will have to come clean. And in his world, confession is definitely not good for the soul.

Another variation of this fear has to do with an inner sense of having some horrible and unfix-able flaw. It might be a perceived physical defect like his height or the size of his “package.” Or it might be a feeling of intellectual inferiority, a sense of being a “B” player who’s not good enough to be an “A.” This type of man works harder, tries harder and puts down competitors with sarcasm or contempt.

In relationships, he will often project onto his partner by being super critical and judgmental and looking for her fatal flaw. Unconsciously, he doesn’t want to be with anyone who would be in a club that would have him. In therapy, he says that there are no great women out there and that he is super picky because he deserves “the perfect woman.” As he makes progress in therapy or some other growth process, he will admit that the truth is that he is afraid to commit because he’s afraid he will be found out as the imperfect man.

Fear of Being Found Out: The Story of Guy, the Little Napoleon

Guy was a lawyer who was somewhat short in stature, something that had bothered him since he stopped growing at 14. His brutal father, a big and burly Italian pizza restaurant owner, frequently beat him when he was a child. But Guy was tenacious, studied hard, and made it into one of the top law schools. Years went by and with his hard work ethic and pitbull attitude, he became one of the top litigators in Philadelphia.

When I first met him, he was dressed impeccably in head-to-toe Armani. He had dated Sherri, a quiet social worker for three years. She looked up to Guy and was very shy socially. Guy complained that even though Sherri was kind and beautiful, that she was boring, especially in bed. According to Guy, his friends really liked her because Sherri had humanized him, that he was “tolerable to be with.” Guy told me all this with a smirk as if he gave a crap about “being more human.” I wanted to meet Sherri but Guy refused because then “we would gang up on him.” Despite my jokes about how he wanted two women to gang up on him, Guy really was afraid for Sherri to find out the truth about him: that he came from a brutal and humble family of modest means.

Finally, as Guy continued to waffle, Sherri got the courage to have “the talk.” Faced with what he saw as an ultimatum, Guy broke up with her. It was only then that Guy’s progress in therapy really began. He lost a great gal but the next woman he really liked learned about his sad but true history.

Fear of Being Found Out Warning Signs: He denies having any needy-type feelings, like being anxious, insecure, or lonely. He may not be able to use the "L" word. He is extremely judgmental about others, especially if they make demands of him.

6. Fear of Trusting A Woman

If a man had an erratic or manipulative mother and a history of being cheated on, used or disappointed by women, he may have major trust issues when it comes to making a commitment. Mistrusting all women, he vows never to be vulnerable again--because if he is, he will just be hurt. If he took a hit financially in a divorce and/or is wealthy, he may be afraid that women just want him for his money. He may fear that all women are mean, manipulative and exploitative.

Sometimes this fear can develop when a guy is stuck struggling to extricate himself from an ugly divorce or an angry battle with his ex over their children. He may come right out and say that he will never marry again.

Fear of Trusting a Woman: The Story of Kai

Kai was a flight attendant who navigated a difficult divorce from a very nasty alcoholic woman, who was very much like his raging mother. In order to get out, he basically caved in and gave his wife the house that he loved and “most” of his money. When he met Saidah, an earthy warm woman on one of his flights, he was entranced. They had a delightful six months together. But when she started asking about a future, he started to experience her as pushy, just like his ex. He said he didn’t think he would ever be able to live with a woman again—and definitely would never marry.

Saidah was patient and kind. She felt Kai would come around, especially if she nurtured him. But after two years went by with very little movement on Kai’s part, she gave him an ultimatum: move in together or break up. Kai felt put upon and abused. He went MIA, finally writing her a long goodbye letter. Saidah, on the other hand, learned her lesson and went to one of my trained love Mentors. She started dating guys who were more open to creating a committed love relationship.

Fear of Trusting a Woman Warning Signs: He talks negatively about his mother and/or exes. He feels like he has been victimized by women. He may come right out and say he doesn’t believe in love or will never marry.

7. Fear of Growing Up

A man may not feel like he is an adult who is ready to take on the responsibilities of a relationship, children, and family life. This so-called Peter Pan syndrome may have its roots in various types of family dysfunction. He may have been coddled by his parents who protected him from the real world, from the possibility of failure. Any difficulty or trial at school might have been dismissed as someone else’s problem and never his responsibility. Or he may have never been encouraged to try something really hard like a competitive sport or an accelerated school subject where trying and not winning or getting a high grade is a real possibility. Or he may have been sickly and had overprotective parents who wouldn’t allow him to play with other kids and compete in sports. Other Peter Pan guys were just ignored by a divorced or missing father and an overworked Mom.

As a result of any of these dynamics, the young man fails to build up his identity as a competent and solid adult male. Internally, he feels like a child, a kid who wants to play, get high, sleep late and work menial jobs with little no responsibility. No wonder then that our Peter Pan is boyish in his leisure activities. He may be a video game addict, who is glued to his game console at all times. Or he may spend many hours watching or playing sports. Or he worries about his health while smoking pot every day. He may be still living at home into his 30s. This is a guy who wants to date and have fun, but balks when it comes to having a committed ongoing and serious relationship.

Fear of Growing Up: The Story of Jermaine

Jermaine was an eternal student, with a master's degree and not a pot to pee in. He worked at Starbucks and lived with his single mom, who was a teacher. His main passion was writing and although he had never published anything, he was always starting a new novel—“his big breakthrough. " When Shelly, a frustrated nurse whose dream was also to be a wife and mom, first met Jermaine in a graduate course, she was drawn to his creativity and over-the-top ability to spin yarns. He had a childish air about him that Shelly found endearing. Thus began an on-again-off-again relationship that lasted 10 years. During that time, Shelly would leave Jermaine because the relationship and his career were “going nowhere.” He would then pull his act together and get a full-time job. They would reunite, but never in a serious fulfilling way. Eventually, Shelly met with me and decided to end the relationship for good. Once she was finally free, she began dating men who actually had their own places and real careers that were also looking to be in permanent relationships. Eventually, through an on-line service, she met the “nerdy guy” of her dreams, a man who was successful and crazy about her. They are married and have adorable twin rascals.

Fear of Growing Up Warning Signs: He acts juvenile, makes ridiculous jokes or even burps or farts like a little boy. In a conflict, he tends to either quickly back down or have a tantrum to get his way. He may be very concerned with his bodily functions or getting ill.

8. Fear That He Can’t Make The “Right “Decision

This type of man has a very hard time making up his mind or trusting his own judgment. When he picks one movie to see, he immediately regrets not choosing another. He is not sure that the company he works at is really the best one for him. This guy is afraid of making a decision that forecloses on all his other options including choosing you. Every time he does so, he has a burst of anxiety and thoughts about other, “better” women.

Fear He Can’t Make the “Right” Decision: The Story of George

Leeza, a 40-something cosmetics manager at a department store, was a stunning blonde who met George online. George was a community college professor who was close to 50 and yet had never been married. Leeza was drawn to George’s brilliant mind and loved the fact that he didn’t have an ex or kids. George took her out for dinner and bought her expensive gifts at high-end department stores. At first, Leeza was blown away. But as the months wore on, she noticed that George was really very depressed and never seemed to enjoy the fantastic activities they shared. He was always worrying about work, reading his “Crackberry,” or quipping that the service or the meal wasn’t good enough.

After about nine months, Leeza wanted to know where things were heading in the relationship. George said that he just didn’t know for sure if marriage was for him, although he thought it was time and Leeza was really terrific. Leeza asked him to figure out where she stood but all he could say was that he was afraid of making a mistake. With the encouragement of her Love Mentor (see Chapter Five), Leeza finally left him and started dating other guys. George begged her to come back. After he went into therapy and attended some growth courses with her, Leeza did take him back, under the condition that they get engaged. George says it was the best decision he ever made.

Fear He Can’t Make the “Right” Decision Warning Signs: He is very intellectual. He tends to overly think things through and obsess. He is always second-guessing himself. Often this type of guy needs to be left to realize what he’s lost.

The Fear-O-Meter

You can think of the Fear-O-Meter as a continuum of intensity of the eight fears. They can occur at normal level, where they are being faced and overcome or they can be exaggerated to the point that the man is so neurotic as to be unable to move into a committed relationship.

Signs of Extreme Commitment Fears

When men’s fears of commitment are extreme, they can play out in many different ways. Some men become addicts: compulsive video game-players, eaters, drinkers, or workaholics. Others become argumentative, contemptuous, critical or domineering. Still others may act extremely passive or shy or withdraw from any meaningful conversations about the future. Some act more like hypochondriacs or child-like. Others disappear on you. Still others cheat. When fears are extreme and the guy is acting out in response to those fears there is often nothing that can be done. Their fear is operating at an unconscious level and therefore controls the outcome of any love relationship. In other words, it goes nowhere.

Once the deeper fear is triggered, whether it is by the prospect of seeing each other more regularly, discussing a future together, moving in or getting engaged, a man with extreme fear will at a fundamental level do all he can to pull back. He is not willing to examine himself, his motives or his fears. Here’s what you need to get: this type of guy is fundamentally happy with the status quo of his love life and does not want to change. Therefore, it’s best to get out quickly and cut your losses. No matter how hard or unfair it seems. You’re better off leaving because if you stay, all you will end up with is a lot of wasted years you can never get back, not to mention bitter disappointment and heartache.

Normal Fears

All of us are faced with two conflicting urges: to merge and become one vs. being independent and free. When a man and woman fall in love and come together, it is normal and common to have fears come up about losing one’s separate sense of self, one’s space, one’s own identity, and unique pursuits and interests. Both men and women experience these fears. This is reasonable—compromises have to be made in order to have a relationship. Time needs to be set aside. After all, how many times has it happened that you get involved with some guy and wind up having little time for your girlfriends?

It is normal in the development of a new relationship for your boyfriend to have doubts, to have some measure of virtually all the fears we have been talking about. The key variable here is this: If a man’s fears are at the normal level, they do not stop him from moving forward over time into increasing intimacy and commitment.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if a guy has an unworkable commitment phobia or more normal fears that he is willing to work on. You have to examine whether your boyfriend is trying to be self-reflective and willing to grow. Is he taking growth courses, on a spiritual path, or in therapy? In the last several months or year, is he making progress in his ability to move forward with you? In opening his social world of friends and family to you? In sharing his physical space? In his ability to discuss what he wants for the future? In his willingness to express love for you? Is he growing more open to taking the next step in moving forward together, i.e., moving in together or getting engaged? If he is moving forward in many of these ways, it shows that his fears are more manageable and in the normal range.

Helping Him Overcome Normal Fears

If a guy is truly into you and willing to grow, he will face down his fears and make it work with you. Especially if you accept his need for space and independence, validate his worth and continue to nurture yourself. Remember, he will tend to project his fears and negative expectations onto you and even unconsciously provoke you into being angry, critical or distant. If you understand this, you can practice loving kindness and not engage in that negative pattern from his past. You can show him that love is possible. You can gently let him know that, as James Baldwin says, To defend oneself against a fear is simply to ensure that one will, one day, be conquered by it; fears must be faced.[iii]
Helping a guy face his demons is not so easy to do. Especially when you have your own issues about love and commitment, as well as your own needs, as we all do. In my newly revised book, Love in 90 Days, I show you how to handle the baggage from your past^iv that will allow you the freedom to not drag old wounds or bitterness into your future. So you will be able to love from your best and highest perspective of self and, in so doing, inspire your beloved to find his strength and courage.

16 Big Reasons Why SOME Men Are Afraid Of Commitment

Get expert help understanding a guy’s reluctance to commit and advice on what you should do. Click here to chat online to someone right now.

Let’s make one thing clear: not all men fear commitment.

In fact, even those who do will probably commit to someone at some point.

So why, you may be wondering, can’t he commit to you right now?

Well, timing is very important in relationships, and maybe he’s not ready yet. There are many reasons why some men fear commitment that have nothing to do with you as a person.

So, if you want to know why he’s not ready yet, here are some of the reasons why some men are scared of commitment:

1. They are afraid of losing their freedom.

Men value their freedom and independence and fear a woman will take that away from them.

If they commit to a woman, they believe she’d have to be informed of every move they make. They fear they’d have to ask for permission to do things that they can now freely do.

A man in a committed relationship will naturally need to include his partner when making decisions. Some men don’t like this and prefer to have their independence.

They want to be able to go out with their friends and party until the morning without anyone getting upset. They want to be able to leave the toilet seat up and do all the little things that would probably annoy their partner.

While a person can have a life outside of the relationship when they commit to someone, it’s really not the same life they had. They don’t enjoy the same freedom as when they can do whatever they please.

And being able to do whatever you want means a lot to a man.

Some men keep behaving the same way when they commit. They don’t consider their partner’s feelings and don’t ask for their opinion. This is not healthy for a relationship. But what’s the alternative?

Well, they could truly commit and change some things, or they could refuse to commit and stay the same. Some men choose the latter because freedom sometimes matters more than love.

2. They have trust issues.

A man must trust the woman that he’ll commit to. If he notices deceitfulness and dishonesty, he will not want that in his future. He could be worried that the woman won’t be loyal to him, and that’s a good enough reason not to commit.

If he can’t trust her, he can’t open up to her. And what’s the point in being with someone you can’t open up to?

Sure, a man can have a casual relationship with a woman he doesn’t trust. But when it’s time to commit to someone, he’ll search for someone honest and loyal.

However, problems with trust might not have anything to do with the woman in question. Many men have trust issues because they’ve been hurt in the past.

A woman could be loyal and honest, and a man still won’t be able to trust her if he has trust issues.

Maybe he thought his ex-girlfriend was honest and loyal, but she betrayed him and cheated on him. When this happens, it can take a while until a man can trust any woman again.

3. They’ve been burned before.

Speaking of ex-girlfriends, trust issues are only one of the problems men could develop.

Past relationships leave us with baggage, whether we’re male or female. Men who have been burned before will be afraid of getting into another serious relationship.

After all, they’ve already been in one, and it didn’t go well. If they were deeply hurt, they’re not going to want to get hurt again.

However, this is one of the easiest reasons to solve. If your man can’t commit because of his past relationships, he probably just needs some time to get over them.

Breakups hurt, but not every relationship can last forever, only one can. Maybe your man thought he was in that one relationship, but it turned out differently. After some time, he should realize that he can have that forever love with someone else.

It’s not easy to trust again, but he should eventually be able to get over his fears.

4. They still want to see other women.

Sometimes, the simplest explanation is the only true one.

Some men don’t want to commit because they’re still not done with other women.

They want to have casual sex or several relationships before settling down.

They could be with an amazing woman but still not want to commit to her. If they do, they’ll lose their chance to get involved with any other woman. And no matter how great one woman is, she is still only one woman.

We often judge men because of this, but we shouldn’t. It’s common to want to be with several people before settling with one. Most people want that experience so that they don’t settle down too soon and later end things because they want someone new.

There’s no right or wrong number of partners that a person should have before settling down with one. Some want hundreds, some want two, and some are even ready for ‘the one’ right away.

But this is something that everyone gets to decide for themselves.

If your man is not done with other women, it’s better to let him enjoy his life now than make him commit and lose him for the same reason later on.

Eventually, almost everyone wants to settle down with one person. However, they want to have enough new experiences before having the one that will last forever. How much is enough is only up to them to decide.

5. They are not mature enough.

When someone is young and full of lust for life, they’re often not ready to get married and have kids. They’re not mature enough for that, and that’s okay.

However, being mature doesn’t have to have anything to do with age. Yes, younger guys are more likely to fear commitment than older ones, but this is not a rule. Maturity and age don’t always go hand in hand. You can be 40 and still not be mature enough for a committed relationship.

A man has to grow up and let go of a lot of childish things, habits, and thoughts to be ready to commit. Some men are never mature enough, and you can’t force them to grow up.

If your man is still a teenager at heart, regardless of his age, you should find someone mature enough for a relationship. Eventually, he might grow up, but it might take a long time, and some never do.

Kids having kids is never a good idea, and no woman needs an immature boy as a husband. And, unfortunately, being mature is not just something he could decide and simply do.

Everyone matures at their own pace, and some take longer than others, a lot longer. In addition, women tend to mature sooner than men.

6. They’re afraid of rejection.

If you don’t commit, you can’t get rejected. For some men, it’s as simple as that.

A lot of people fear rejection, especially men. For them, it makes sense not to get into a committed relationship to avoid getting rejected.

When someone enters a serious relationship, they’re taking the leap of faith and getting attached. If they’re going to do it right, they’ll go all in. Just the thought of someone pulling the rug from under them at that point is enough for some men to give up on the whole idea.

Is there anything worse than a guy proposing to a girl just so she could say no?

The fear of rejection is not only related to dating; it applies to serious relationships as well. You can reject someone at any point in the dating process as well as in a relationship.

To prevent this from happening, some guys simply refuse to commit. Getting rejected when you’re just hitting on someone and getting rejected when you love someone are different things. Some guys could survive the first, but the second would destroy them. So, they protect themselves by refusing to commit.

7. They’re afraid of being exposed.

Everyone has secrets. And some people are so terrified of anyone finding out their secret that they won’t get close to anyone.

In a committed relationship, couples get to know each other for who they truly are. They discover all the skeletons in the closet, dark secrets, fears, insecurities, and a person’s past.

While some people enjoy sharing this part of themselves, some people are terrified of it. They don’t want anyone to get to know the real them, so they avoid serious relationships.

When a person doesn’t want anyone to get to know them on a deeper level, they’ll avoid getting too involved with them.

They would have to open up entirely and share their life with their partner. Even if they trust their partner, they might not want them to know everything about them. So, they keep their distance, which makes it impossible to be in a committed relationship.

8. They have other priorities.

A lot of things can be going on in a man’s life that make it impossible for him to focus on his love life.

After all, maintaining a relationship requires a lot of time and effort. With work, school, family, and other responsibilities, it can be difficult to balance everything. It can seem impossible to find the time and the energy necessary for a serious relationship.

Maybe your man has some goals that he needs to achieve before being ready to settle down. This is especially true if he’s yet to finish high school or college or find a steady job.

Maybe he’s working on his career or helping his sick parents instead. There are a lot of things that your man might need to do before being ready to commit.

Timing is crucial in relationships. While you might have your life all sorted out, if your partner doesn’t, he won’t be as ready as you are.

Sometimes, people are simply too young or not done with things they wanted to do before getting married. If your man’s not where he wants to be in life, you need to let him work on the life that he wants. If that leaves him with little to no time for you, you’ll have to wait or find someone ready.

9. They feel pressured.

Let’s admit it, we women can put a tremendous amount of pressure on a man.

We can picture a white picket fence and a golden retriever as soon as we hook up with a man.

We can start coming up with kids’ names on the second date.

Honestly, we can get a little crazy when we’re into someone.

And this makes us put tremendous pressure on a man. We can come off looking desperate, needy, clingy, possessive, and controlling just because we’re crazy in love.

Women tend to move at a faster pace than men when it comes to relationships. We are often ready much sooner than a man is, and we try to move the relationship forward at a pace.

So, we pressure the man to keep up with us even when we know that he’s in no way ready for that. Sadly, pressuring a man to commit will only push him away.

In addition, you don’t want him to commit just because he was pressured to do it.

Try to slow down and think like a man. Their biological clocks are not ticking in the same ways yours is, and they think that they have all the time in the world to get married and have kids.

This can be frustrating but try not to move too fast for your own sake too. There’s enough time for everything.

10. They’re afraid of change.

Things change in a committed relationship. A person must grow up and change, but the relationship itself changes too.

Some men are afraid of changing who they are, but some are afraid of the way the relationship will change.

When two people are just dating, it’s a lot different than when they’re sharing a life together. And while your man might enjoy dating you, committing to you might make him afraid because of how things will change between you.

He could also be afraid of the changes he’d have to make in his behavior and personality. These changes aren’t bad, but they are different, and some men simply don’t want things to be different.

Going on dates with you and having fun is a lot different than splitting house chores with you and discussing responsibilities.

A serious relationship means that things will go from fun to serious. That’s what some men think, and it’s the very reason why they avoid committing to a woman.

They are also afraid that the woman will change. While you make them laugh now, you might nag them later, or so they think. They want to know you as the smiling, fun, attractive woman that you are while you’re dating. They don’t want you to turn into a cranky, tired wife who nags them to wash the dishes.

11. They don’t want to waste their time.

A failed relationship can seem like a huge waste of time. People often need assurance that the relationship will really last forever before they commit to it.

If a relationship lasts for a few years and ends, we feel like we wasted a lot of our time for nothing. So, some guys need to be entirely sure that they’ve found the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with before they commit to her.

If they have doubts and don’t think that the relationship will last forever, they’ll rather choose not to spend too much time on it.

When you spend years of your life with someone and go back to being strangers, you haven’t made progress. You can end up feeling like you gave them the best years of your life just to end up brokenhearted and alone.

Some men avoid committing to avoid that.

12. They’re afraid of getting hurt.

It’s not just about the waste of time. When you spend years with someone and it ends, it hurts. Some men don’t want to commit because they’re afraid of getting hurt. If it doesn’t last forever, it’s going to end in heartbreak.

To test whether it can last forever, you need to open up and go all in. But what if it doesn’t work out after that?

Some people believe that it’s better to steer clear of serious relationships to avoid getting hurt. They don’t want to let themselves fall for someone because they know how much it will hurt if it ends.

And, they believe that it’s probably going to end eventually. So, they don’t want to get attached in the first place, even if they like someone.

Love hurts, and it’s a pity that some people avoid love just because it might hurt at some point.

Better safe than sorry, at least according to some men.

13. They’re afraid of monotony.

We all know that serious, long-term relationships tend to fall into a rut. Things get ‘samey,’ and men fear getting bored in the relationship.

They especially fear a boring sex life, but not just that. When you spend too much time with someone, monotony is going to knock on the door at some point.

You might run out of things to do and say, and the passion could fade. This is why some men don’t like the idea of being in a serious relationship.

When you’re dating someone new for the first time, everything is fun and exciting. Even when you’re in a relationship, there’s the honeymoon phase that makes you feel like you’re on cloud nine.

But what happens after the honeymoon phase is what makes some men fear commitment.

It won’t be quite so fun and exciting anymore. It will be more about chores and responsibilities and taking care of each other when you’re not well.

That’s how some men picture long-term relationships and why they avoid getting serious with a woman. When the passion is gone from the relationship, a man wants to be gone from the relationship too.

14. They’re not sure about the relationship.

This is not what you want to hear, but a man might be ready to commit, just not to you.

However, this doesn’t have to be about you in any way. If he is not sure about the relationship, it could be for many reasons.

Maybe the two of you are too different, and he thinks you’ll run out of things to talk about. Maybe he always pictured his wife with green eyes, and you have brown. Yes, it could even be something as trivial as that!

When a man is not sure about you, it’s better to let him go. However, sometimes it just takes time for him to decide whether you’re the woman he wants to settle down with.

He might not be sure because of the other fears that we mentioned so far. Maybe he’s afraid that you’ll cheat on him because he has trust issues. Whatever his reasons are for his doubts about the relationship, he might never be ready.

So, wait for him, but only for a reasonable amount of time. Don’t wait forever for a guy who isn’t sure about you when there could be a guy who’d know right away that you’re his future wife.

15. They don’t think that they could have a future with you.

Maybe he likes you, but he doesn’t think that the relationship can have a future.

This is similar to the previous point. Maybe you want different things in life, or you’re not the best match.

A man can like you and want to be with you but still give up on a committed relationship because he thinks that it will end at some point.

Pretty much no one wants to end up alone forever. Most people are searching for someone to commit to at some point. But, just like women look for partners they can have a future with, so do men.

Two people can be a great match in the present but realize that they can’t have a future together. A man can like you but not consider you wife-material.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about this. If your man thinks you can’t have a future together, consider whether he’s right. Your feelings for him might be tempting you to commit to him even though you, too, know that the future is not likely.

Don’t forget that it doesn’t have to last forever to be real love. A relationship can be meaningful even if it ends, or never begins in the first place.

16.

They are not done with the single lifestyle.

Drinking, partying, dating, sleeping around, and doing whatever you want whenever you want. There are many reasons why some men believe that it’s better to be single.

A man can like you and even think that you’re wife-material and still choose his single lifestyle over you. Some men are just not done being single. They eventually might be, but you can’t wait forever.

A man might want to sleep with more women, but not just that. He wants to enjoy his freedom and independence. They like being single because it gives them the freedom to do whatever they want. And, as mentioned before, this freedom means the world to a man.

So, if your man doesn’t want to commit to you, try to understand his reasons. Don’t pressure him into it if he’s not ready for it. Let him go, or enjoy a short-term romance with him.

You can learn about the ways to get a man to commit to you, and they might work, but keep in mind that you can’t control him. You can’t cast a spell on him and make him ready to settle down.

All you can do is try your best to show him that he’s not going to lose his freedom when he commits to you. Respect his independence and let him have a life outside of the relationship. Don’t be needy, controlling, or possessive.

Show him love and hope that he’ll realize that losing someone’s love is worse than losing a little freedom.

Still not sure why a particular guy is afraid of commitment? If this man is your partner, someone you’re dating, or someone you’d like to date, you need to get to the root of his concerns so that you can know what your next step should be. To do this, you could probably use some expert knowledge, experience, and guidance from someone who helps people like you deal with this sort of situation for a living. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.

You may also like:

10 Not-So-Subtle Signs Of Commitment Issues
Walking Away When He Won’t Commit – When Is The Right Time?
8 Things To Do When He Won’t Commit But Won’t Let Go
13 Core Reasons Why Men Pull Away (+ What YOU Can Do To Help)
“He Doesn’t Know What He Wants” – 6 Things It Might Mean & What To Do
7 Tips For Having The “Where Is This Going?” Relationship Talk With A Guy
How To Date Someone With Trust Issues: 6 No Bullsh*t Tips
How To Date And Be In A Relationship With An Avoidant Partner
How To Love Somebody With Abandonment Issues: 8 Key Tips
My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me Suddenly For No Reason. Now What?

10 reasons why a man avoids emotional attachment to a woman

A shot from the film "One Day"

Sometimes this alienation haunts from the very beginning of a relationship, but it is much more painful when we are already connected by a lot, and the partner suddenly becomes cold and indifferent. And we are at a loss as to what to look for the reason for such a change.

And such stories are very common. Take Mr Big from Sex and the City. How hard it was for Carrie to have a relationship with her beloved man, who did not let go, but did not let him get too close!

Let's not forget that men and women view relationships differently. Research shows that men are more likely than we are to remain emotionally isolated in love and marriage.

Why does the partner avoid emotional attachment? There are several explanations.

1. He's a gambler

Still from One Day

One of the most obvious reasons a partner remains emotionally aloof is that they don't take you and your relationship seriously. Men generally love adventure. Sometimes they deliberately look for a partner to dispel boredom or increase their self-esteem.

If you can't always understand what kind of relationship you have, and your chosen one often suddenly disappears from your life, also unexpectedly returning, coming up with a million reasons and excuses - unfortunately, you are dating a player.

2. He is a perfectionist

Perfection is good. But some people can be in search of the perfect couple all their lives. Regardless of how you behave, such a partner will always find fault with something. He will relentlessly try to change you because you are not perfect (and you can't, no one can). Such relationships almost always end according to one scenario - the man gives up fruitless attempts and leaves.

3. He is too independent or too dependent

A scene from Sex and the City

There is nothing good in both extremes. You may have met men who are constantly seeking approval or are very dependent on the opinion of the mother (even about whether or not to date a particular woman). Others, on the contrary, are so independent that they never show their emotions in order not to look vulnerable. Even in front of the closest people, including in front of the beloved woman. With men from both categories is not easy. They avoid emotional attachments in every possible way.

4. Experiences of difficult relationships

Another common reason a man is afraid of new relationships or does not want to be emotionally involved in them is that he has already experienced a toxic relationship. In any new girl he likes, he is afraid to see the features of the woman who hurt him, so he very slowly and carefully moves towards rapprochement.

5. He is a workaholic

A still from Jerry Maguire

Some men are at work all the time, even when they are sleeping, having breakfast or talking to you. For them, their career is in the first place, and there is simply not enough time to work on relationships. Work for such men is the center of life, and love always remains somewhere on the periphery.

6. Financial instability

Most men think that they should be the head of the family and the breadwinner. And the question here is not in the outdated views, but in the most elementary psychological attitudes from ancient times.

If he does not have financial stability, believe me, this will greatly shake his self-confidence and peace of mind. This will automatically affect the relationship with you. If he feels he can't buy you what you want or contribute to household expenses, he may begin to close in on himself and emotionally withdraw from you.

7. Problem childhood

Frame from the film “Friends with Sex”

As we know, our personality is the result of past experiences, including childhood experiences. Our childhood shapes our future.

If your man's parents broke up, did not give him enough attention and care, or even subjected their child to psychological or physical abuse, it is not surprising that in adulthood he remains emotionally distant in a relationship. Under all of the above circumstances, he may have difficulty with trust or self-expression.

8. He doesn't think he's good enough for you

Maybe you have a very prestigious job with a great salary. Or nature rewarded you with the looks of a Victoria's Secret model. All this can cause anxiety for your partner. He may be afraid that at any moment you can meet another person more worthy of you. His self-doubt and fear of losing you can affect the degree of emotional intimacy.

9. Personal problems

Still from the movie "Cat on a Hot Roof"

Perhaps your man has some kind of personal problem that you don't know about, and in which he is not yet (or at all) ready to involve you. This problem can weigh on him so much that a man decides that until he deals with it, he cannot afford close relationships. The same applies to possible family problems (sick parents, for example).

10. You have different goals in life

It may happen that you are both too different, and it seems to him that your relationship is preventing him from achieving his goals. For example, he was planning to move to another city for the sake of his career, or he was going to fly to study in another country, but then he met you, and now he faces a difficult choice between his plans and a relationship that has barely begun. Or maybe your aspirations and life choices are simply alien to him. In this case, the man will prefer not to get emotionally involved in the relationship.

Frame from the movie "One Day"

Men may look harsh and self-sufficient on the outside, but they really need love and women's care. However, in relations with them, you should not rely only on your illusions and hopes. Every woman is able to feel the signs that a partner is not capable of emotional attachment and harmonious, trusting relationships. Remember that you deserve the best and do not ignore your intuition, which says that you are not going along with this person.

You will need

The Power of Attachment by Sue Johnson

Advertising. OOO "Yandex"

Maria Tyumerina

Photo: archives of press services

Experts told why some men are in no hurry to get married

https://ria.ru/20131119/977949265.html

not in a hurry to get married

Experts told why some men are in no hurry to get married0003

Experts told why some men are in no hurry to get married

Psychologists say that modern men are infantile and afraid of responsibility. But it's not just the men themselves: the consumer society, which imposes false values on people, and the masculinization of women are also to blame.

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Society, Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation (Ministry of Health of Russia), Russia

Society, Worldwide, Europe, Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation (Ministry of Health of Russia), Russia

MOSCOW, November 19 — RIA Novosti. Relationships between a woman and a man can stretch for years, but not end with a wedding, even if the couple has already had children. Psychologists and psychotherapists on the eve of International Men's Day told RIA Novosti why the representatives of the stronger sex are increasingly postponing the creation of a family.

International Men's Day is celebrated on November 19th. It is designed to draw the attention of the world community to gender discrimination and the problem of gender inequality, as well as to emphasize the positive influence of men on the family and the upbringing of children.

A disease of big cities

According to the professor of the Department of Child and Family Psychotherapy of the Faculty of Counseling and Clinical Psychology of the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University (MGPPU), Candidate of Psychological Sciences Tatyana Gavrilova, unwillingness to marry and postponing the creation of a family are most characteristic of men who live in big cities.

Why is it harmful for men to live in a metropolis

February 22, 2013, 11:00

"It is unlikely that this can be found in Buryatia, Tatarstan and other regions where the concept of a traditional family is strong," she explained.

According to Gavrilova, it is impossible to say unequivocally whether men want to marry or not.

"There is no information about their intentions. We do not know whether they want to or not. But in fact, an increase in bachelors is recorded: more and more men are out of wedlock. There are people who openly admit that they do not intend to do this. Nothing about the intentions of others unknown," she explained.

Responsibility is not for us

According to Gavrilova, many modern men are infantile and afraid to take responsibility. “There is an assumption that they are afraid of responsibility, including for children,” she said.

Which acquaintances most often end in marriage

July 6, 2012, 18:03

Director of the Research Institute of Urology of the Ministry of Health of Russia, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor Oleg Apolikhin agrees with Gavrilova. He notes that today the leader in the family is more often a woman.

"This is the position of an attached person: not someone who is ready to take responsibility, but someone who can lean against someone. Recently, we increasingly see that a woman is the leader in a family. She is forced to take this position, because nature does not tolerate emptiness, and the person with whom she lives does not attract the title of "strong half," he explained. preferring cohabitation with a loved one outside of marriage.Gavrilova noted that many representatives of the stronger sex today choose a civil marriage.0003

"But civil marriage is the wrong name. It's cohabitation. Not all cohabitation is a trial marriage. Some people enter into these relationships without going further to legitimize them. This is some kind of attempt to get closer to a woman, but does not mean marriage intention," she explained .

Family as an example

Sexologist, psychotherapist, president of the professional association of sexologists Yevgeny Kulgavchuk believes that modern men enter into family relationships later and less often for a number of reasons.

"Some of them, from single-parent families, raised by their mother, have not seen examples of successful marriage in their lives, and therefore do not strive to create something that they do not believe in and do not know what it is," said the doctor to RIA Novosti .

Family play is becoming the norm in megacities: men are also dissatisfied

July 8, 2013, 08:42

Gavrilova noted that there is a category of men who put off marriage because of a very strong attachment to their mother.

"Unfortunately, some men are afraid to break away from their mother. Or they are so attached to her that any woman who appears as a candidate is devalued. A man, even at 40 years old and more, is afraid to break away from his mother, but at the same time she does not let him go. They have a family of "we" - explained the psychologist.0003

In addition, according to Kulgavchuk, in those families where the parents' relationship is strained, conflicting or indifferent, boys from childhood see a bad "commercial" of family relations.

Desire for pleasure

The consumer society imposes false values on people, Kulgavchuk believes. This also applies to starting a family.

"Children, marriage for some men are associated with a restriction on the ability to consume: women, services, travel. Many of them are not quite capable of creating, since they themselves are, in fact, big children. The infantilism of some men is transmitted from generation to generation," — he explained.

And even those who are able to create often spend their energy only on a career, education, in order to get even more opportunities to consume, the doctor added.

I don't believe that marriage is forever

January 25, 2013, 09:49

Gavrilova said that there is a percentage of men with a principled attitude to enjoyment.

"He will go skiing, change women. He believes that life is a joy, not a burden. "Enough of the burden at work, and I have to devote the rest of the time to myself," such men are sure. there are people who will say they want to get married, but this is not happening," she said.

Kulgavchuk also added that there are those who understand that true values are above all else.

"I am convinced that in our country it is necessary to promote family values within the framework of demographic and social projects," he said.

Too strong woman

Gavrilova also admits that one of the reasons for the alienation of men from the institution of the family, the unwillingness to create it, is the masculinization of women (weakening of typical female and strengthening of typical male personality traits).

What causes the low life expectancy of men in the Russian Federation

March 14, 2013, 14:45

"This does not mean that this is the root cause, but these are interconnected things. From generation to generation, children are brought up by a strong woman, an authoritarian, dominant woman.

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