Spousal emotional abuse facts
10 Surprising Facts About Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is defined as verbal insults.
False. While that’s the most common definition, emotional abuse can include any of the following:
- Intentionally embarrassing you.
- Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
- Telling you what to do and wear.
- Using social media or cell phones to control or intimidate you.
- Blaming you for their unhealthy behaviors.
- Stalking you.
- Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
- Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
- Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
- Threatening to expose your secrets.
- Starting rumors about you.
- Threatening to have your children taken away.
An abusive relationship may start as the perfect romance.
True. Abuse doesn't always start immediately. At first, it can seem as though he’s prince charming. He may want an exclusive relationship very fast, and some women enjoy being pursued.
An abusive guy can seem protective at first.
True. He may call often to make sure you’re “safe.” He wants you to be available to him whenever he calls or stops by.
Many women don’t even know they are being abused.
True. It can actually seem normal. Emotional abuse can sneak up like an odorless, colorless, poisonous gas. Before the woman realizes, she’s trapped with seemingly no way out.
Friends and family may identify an abuser before the woman does.
True. Sometimes friends and family see things the woman doesn't. Maybe they've seen him out with other women. Maybe they've noticed his snarky comments. A woman in an emotionally abusive relationship may not want to believe the worst, so she may ignore comments from concerned friends and family.
Most abusers are alcoholics.
False. According to the Truth About Abuse 2013 survey, most abusers are not alcoholics. Even though the abuser may use alcohol, it’s not the cause. Abuse is about power and control.
Abusive relationships often include roses and promises.
True. Abuse usually cycles. It begins with a honeymoon phase that includes gifts, flowers, compliments, promises of change. After that, things may get tense. Abusers may make threats, become sarcastic or emotionally distant. Finally, the abuser may throw things, slam doors or use physical or verbal assaults. This cycle may repeat itself for years because the woman wants so badly to believe the honeymoon stage will last.
Emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse.
True. Verbal abuse can lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on its unhealthy path. It can sometimes take years for verbal abuse to turn physical, but it often does.
An abuser never apologizes.
False. In the honeymoon stage of domestic violence, abusers often apologize. They may begin attending therapy or church and appear to be sincere. These behaviors may actually strengthen the bond between the abuser and woman.
A woman just needs some good friends to help her end the relationship.
False. Although having a strong support group of friends and family is very important, sometimes it’s not enough. Emotional abuse victims often believe what they've been told by their abusers. They think they are stupid, ugly and unworthy of being in a relationship at all. If the abuse has gone on long enough, women may experience a host of symptoms including severe anxiety, insomnia or depression. Women may benefit by seeking help from a medical professional or licensed counselor.
Today’s guest post is by Rachel Madson Zarling. Besides being a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant, Rachel is a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
She resides in Milwaukee with her husband, Jake, and son Mack. She has a master’s degree in community counseling and volunteers regularly with her local domestic violence shelter.
6 Effects of Spousal Emotional Abuse in a Marriage
In This Article
You don’t see it. There’s no bruising. There are no broken bones. There’s no physical injury present.
What is emotional abuse in a marriage?
Emotional abuse can fly under the radar from an objective point of view, but its insidious nature deteriorates a marriage from the inside.
Like a virus that shows no outward physical symptoms, emotional abuse can go unnoticed for an observer but is felt deep within.
The cutting remarks. The putdowns. The constant verbal onslaught. It can be subtle or explicit. Regardless of the delivery, the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are usually the same.
Emotional and psychological abuse can be one of the greatest poisons to a relationship and marriage.
Below we’ll explore some of the major effects of emotional abuse in marriage, both to the person being abused and the relationship as a whole.
1. Depleted self-worth
When a spouse intentionally degrades the worth of their partner through their actions or words, it can turn the victim of the abuse into a shell of themselves.
Each word or insult thrown their way just chips away at the person that they are. It could be as bold as “Oh my God, you’re fat,” or as subtle as “Have you put on a few pounds?”
No matter the intent, the person, being verbally and emotionally abused, watches their confidence in themselves disappear.
Since their husband or wife, the person that has committed their life to them, shows them that they aren’t worthy of love, they don’t expect it from others as well.
They close up. They put up walls. When someone is a victim of an emotionally abusive husband or wife for a certain length of time, it’s hard for them to see why anyone would love them ever.
Also watch:
Related Reading: How Emotional Abuse in a Relationship Is Destroying You
2. Denial
It’s hard for someone to admit that their marriage is troubled, let alone that they are married to an emotionally abusive spouse.
We’ve all either experienced this ourselves or seen it in a friend’s relationship over the years.
Objectively, it seems clear that one party is being treated poorly. But the person that is in the relationship can’t seem to see the glaring problem. Or even if they do see it, they don’t want to admit it.
They act as though their relationship is normal, and cover it up with an insecure “Everyone fights, right?”
Well, yes. Sort of. Everyone disagrees from time to time in their marriage, but not everyone spends hours cursing each other out and putting each other down.
In an attempt to sidestep the embarrassment they may feel, they turn a blind eye to the real problem. They can’t see their spousal emotional abuse because they don’t want to.
The longer a victim goes on living in denial, the more severe the long term effects of emotional abuse get.
Related Reading: Signs for Recognizing Emotional Abuse
3. Lack of trust
Beautiful marriages are built on a solid foundation of trust and honesty. When a relationship becomes emotionally abusive, that foundation crumbles.
The victim of an emotionally abusive marriage doesn’t know what to expect from their partner, and they can’t trust them to keep things civil.
They ride a roller coaster of emotion, waiting for the next lethal put down to rock their world.
In this dynamic of abuse , they can’t trust their partner to be faithful, be loving, or even be nice. It’s a life of constantly walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next insult to be tossed their way.
Mental and emotional abuse in marriage causes a lack of trust, which can leave the victim afraid of trusting others, even someone as close as their parents.
Related Reading: Strategies to Deal With Emotional Abuse in a Relationship
4. Fear
Following the depletion of trust, someone who is a victim of emotional abuse lives in a constant state of fear.
Every action that they take and every word that they say may come back to them in the form of an insult or a form of manipulation.
One of the consequences of emotional abuse is chronic anxiety that the victim develops eventually.
Also, if their partner is so willing to abuse verbally and emotionally, who’s to say that they won’t cross the line of physical abuse?
It’s clear that the predatory partner doesn’t have much regard for the worthiness of their partner, so why wouldn’t they escalate their behavior into the physical realm.
The constant of not knowing when their partner is going to erupt leaves the victim of abuse in a sustained state of fear. It’s nearly impossible to shake once the abuse has been ingrained in the relationship.
Also Try: Do I Have Ptsd From Emotional Abuse Quiz
5. State of the children
Emotional abuse is bad enough when it’s only experienced between two adults, but throw a kid or two in the mix, and it gets that much worse.
The negative results of emotional abuse are not limited to the couple alone; the children experience it too.
Two scenarios could play out, both of them detrimental to the wellbeing of the child.
The first is if the abuser in the relationship doesn’t solely slander their spouse, but takes aim at the child in the home as well.
It’s unlikely that someone who is willing to abuse their spouse, someone that they’ve committed to love, will stop short of abusing their son’s or daughter’s emotions.
When this becomes the case, the damage that it could do to the children is dangerous. Their young minds may not be able to rationalize why their mom or their dad is acting that way.
Worse yet, they could start to perceive themselves as a normal family.
Research has indicated that childhood emotional abuse is a stronger predictor of future relationship violence.
The second scenario is one where the children are simply observers of their parents’ emotional abuse.
They aren’t in the line of fire of the emotional abuse, but they have front row seats to the action.
Similar to the scenario before, their observation of their parents’ marriage in it’s darkest moments may be seen as normal.
They may see their mom crying uncontrollably from something their dad said, or their dad stoic and cold due to a cutting remark from their mom, and assume that’s how all relationships are.
Somewhere down the line, they’ll come to accept that same treatment because it’s what they grew up observing.
When someone experiences emotional abuse by husband or wife, they think as long as their children are not at the same end of the stick as they are, they will be fine.
But that is not the case. Children are extremely impressionable, and even witnessing emotional cruelty in the marriage of their parents can leave a lasting negative impact on them.
Related reading: Effects Of Domestic Violence On ChildrenConclusion
The effects of emotional abuse in a marriage are many, but each one poisons the roots of a strong marriage.
Emotional cruelty in marriage evokes denial, fear, and dangerously low levels of self-worth in waves.
It is a hard thing to escape, and usually can’t be seen unless objective eyes call it out.
If you find yourself in a relationship that is emotionally abusive, confide in a friend or seek the help of a counselor.
The effects of spousal emotional abuse don’t have to be permanent, but the longer that it persists in a marriage or relationship, the harder your life after emotional abuse would be.
Talk to someone who can help you; the sooner, the better.
How not to become a victim of domestic violence: advice from experts
Self-isolation is a difficult test for families in which mutual claims and dissatisfaction are ripe. People get tired, contradictions intensify. How to understand that the conflict develops into violence? What to do about it? At the webinar of the Institute of Further Professional Education of social workers, useful advice was given by the director of the Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children, Natalya Zavyalova and the head. department of psychological assistance of the Lyubov Vyzhanova Center.
How conflict differs from violence
Disputes on various issues break out in any family. When there are not enough arguments, emotions take their place and conflict arises. In this conflict, of course, there is a place for both irritation and anger, but, in fact, this is nothing more than a search for a solution to the issue.
The task of the conflict is either to accept one of the points of view, or to find a compromise that will satisfy everyone. Once a solution is found, the conflict ends.
The purpose of violence is quite different. For the offender, the main thing is not to resolve the issue, but to prove his superiority, to assert his power, so the subject of the collision is not important for him. Violence is not generated by external circumstances, it is caused by the internal state of a person. Unlike conflict, it is repeated for any, sometimes the most insignificant reasons.
So:
- conflict always has a real cause - violence is looking for a reason;
- the conflict has a local character - violence is repeated regularly.
Violent actions are far from being only assault. In psychology, there are four types of violence: physical, psychological, sexual, economic. If derogatory assessments, insults appear in a conversation, it means that psychological violence occurs.
If the breadwinner of the family uses economic repression, then he uses economic violence.
Abuse scenario
The offender-victim relationship is cyclical. Their life is divided into four phases, repeating in an unchanging sequence. American psychologist Lenore Walker described this "cycle of violence" in a married couple.
- Voltage rise.
- Violent incident.
- Reconciliation.
- Honeymoon.
After a stormy quarrel, as a rule, an equally stormy reconciliation takes place, and then the partners live for some time in an idyll reminiscent of their honeymoon. If not for the third and fourth phases, it would be easier for the victim to get out of the pathological relationship. But another "honeymoon" is coming, love flares up with renewed vigor, and it seems that this time everything will be fine. Unfortunately, it is not.
Features of the potential aggressor's behavior
This is a person who constantly needs confirmation of his power.
It limits the freedom of a partner, controls him, isolates him from communication with relatives and friends. When a woman lives in social isolation, communicates only with her family, for psychologists this is a serious signal of family trouble.
The aggressor may force the partner to do something, humiliate or mock him in the presence of strangers.
He is not ready to take responsibility for his actions. As a rule, such people do not admit the fact of violence (“I didn’t beat her, I just pushed her a little”) or shift the blame on the victim (“She herself is to blame”).
The aggressor is not empathic by nature, so he can be cruel even with children. Reproaches of heartlessness and calls for sympathy are useless here. They only add fuel to the fire.
Aggressors are characterized by emotional instability, sudden mood swings.
Domestic abusers know how to make a good impression on others. If this is a man, acquaintances see him as a caring father and husband, his family is considered exemplary.
No one can even imagine that at home behind closed doors this is a completely different person.
What makes the victim endure violence
According to official statistics, women are the most often victims in the family, so we are talking about them. But everything said is just as true in relation to men.
Victims of domestic violence tend to be people with low self-esteem. They are suggestible, anxious, insecure, have an exaggerated sense of guilt. They easily blame themselves for everything. Isn't a woman responsible for peace in the family? Shouldn't she be the guardian of the hearth, a caring wife and mother? These stereotypes only reinforce the victim in the thought that the offender is not to blame, and she suppresses her feelings of anger.
A woman often hides the fact of domestic violence out of shame and fear of judgment. She is sure that no one will help her and that she does not deserve help.
Fear of independent living and the difficulties that will have to be overcome can keep the victim close to the perpetrator.
First of all, this applies to women who have abandoned their professional careers and devoted themselves to their families. Often they simply have nowhere to go and nothing to start a new life.
In psychology there is such a term - "learned helplessness". If a person has made several attempts to change circumstances, but nothing has come of it, he gives up and no longer seeks to improve his life, although he has such an opportunity. This is what happens to the victim. Many women try to influence the situation in the family - they leave home, have soul-saving conversations with the aggressor, threaten the court, and so on. Having spent all her resource and having achieved nothing, a woman falls into apathy and remains with the aggressor.
Advice for those who want to make a difference
Saying "I'm leaving you" is the worst possible solution. The offender will be furious if the world he has built suddenly collapses. Statistics say: the greatest number of quarrels with the use of force occurs precisely at the moment of a sharp break.
Therefore, one must act not impulsively, but according to a well-thought-out plan. This plan should include the following points.
- Go to a safe place, such as your parents or friends. You can contact the Center for Help for Women and Children. Being safe, a person returns to himself, begins to hear himself. From this state, you can start thinking about what to do next.
- Take with you everything you need (money, clothes, medicines, etc.)
- Tell partner: “I have decided to think about our relationship. I am safe."
- If you left with your children, report this to the guardianship authorities so that later you will not be accused of stealing children.
- Start working with specialists: lawyers, doctors, psychologists. How economically dependent are you? How legally vulnerable? How strong is your emotional attachment to the abuser? Comprehensive work will help analyze all aspects of your life. Now the necessary consultations can be obtained online.
- Gather evidence. Record all cases of harassment: take screenshots of correspondence with threats, record calls. Report to the police, especially if the stalker breaks the law (damages things, attacks on the street). Even if the police limit themselves to “talking”, the offender will know that he is also under surveillance.
- Do not enter into negotiations. If possible, do not make contact with the offender. Do not respond to messages, and, of course, do not agree to a personal meeting.
- Refrain from posting on social networks. The abuser can determine your location.
What's next?
What will be the way out of your situation is impossible to predict. Each case is individual. For some couples, it is enough to go through a crisis once in order to rethink their attitude towards each other. This is possible if both partners want to keep the relationship and agree to work with a psychologist.
If your partner is not ready for dialogue, you have a lot of work to do, the result of which should be a safe way out of a traumatic situation.
If your own resources are not enough, you can always contact Crisis Center for Assistance to women and children :
8 (499) 977-20-10
(Monday-Subbota, 9:00-20:00),
(499) 492-46-89
(Monday-Sunday, 9:00-21:00)
Site KRizis-centr.ru
using the webinar “No Home Options”, held in home violence, held in home violence within the framework of the IDPO project « On - line workshop. Watch the webinar: https://events.webinar.ru/19610373/3793966/record-new/3865712
READ ALSO
all this can be a serious test of the strength of relationships in the family. Read the advice of psychologists and take tests on the topic of a family crisis on the I'm at Home portal.
NGO HELP
Psychologists and lawyers from several non-profit organizations also work with the problem of domestic violence in Moscow.
Specialists will help you understand the situation and choose a strategy for getting out of the problem. On the NGO website you can find a video instruction for victims of violence
help.nasiliu.net
8 (495) 916-30-00 Weekdays 11:00 am to 07:00 pm Moscow time
Mercy's Mom's Home Crisis Center provides temporary housing for pregnant women who have nowhere else to go.
All-Russian Free trust phone for women who have undergone violence
8 (800) 700-06-00 on weekdays from 07:00 to 21:00 Moscow time
Psychological violence and methods coping
Zyuzkina Anastasia Andreevna, psychologist of the health care institution "City Clinical Psychiatric Dispensary"
Domestic violence against women and children is often not perceived as an act of violence.
The topic of psychological abuse is broad, this issue is relevant not only in the field of the family system, but also in the sphere of work.
For example, in the scientific literature, psychological violence is called mobbing - the employer's disrespectful attitude towards employees in the context of labor relations. Situations where periodically (at least once a week) the employee is humiliated and harassed by the team or the manager, the purpose of which is to dismiss the employee during the period of employment. Mobbing is manifested in the oppression of a long period of time and includes negative statements, unfounded criticism, social isolation of an employee, dissemination of deliberately false information about a person, and more.
Psychological consequences for the object of mobbing are so serious that social significance is perceived as traumatic and compared with murder, rape and robbery. Some people even think about suicide.
Most often, psychological abuse occurs in the family. The main victims of domestic violence are women and children. The consequences of psychological violence include sleep and appetite disorders, alcoholism, reckless committing of traumatic actions, a change in the nature of the individual.
Psychological violence is a form of influence on the emotions or psyche of a partner through threats, intimidation, insults, criticism, condemnation, etc. That is, a constant verbal negative impact on another person. More often this type of violence is subjected to wives from their husbands, much less often vice versa.
Psychological abuse can escalate into physical abuse.
Domestic violence also spreads in cohabitation as cohabitation. Most often it is a form of psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is on a par with physical abuse, since the personality is violated by suppressing self-esteem. Under such conditions, the person who is targeted by the negative impact does not assess the situation as dangerous and sometimes it is necessary to convince them that they have become precisely the victims. Beliefs are formed as if she herself is to blame, misunderstood, did not tolerate, did not prove, provoked. As a result, personal characteristics are formed: self-restraint, alienation, negativism, refusal to express one's own position.
Insults, violence, mistreatment in psychology is called abuse. The person who forces to do something, offends, forces to perform actions that are unpleasant to another person, respectively, is an abuser.
The reasons why one partner affects the psyche of another are varied, the most common: the need for self-realization and self-affirmation at the expense of the other, difficulties in the inability to express one's desires and thoughts, past experience, financial dependence on one's partner, the perception of violence as a norm in family behavior, propaganda of violence in the media / movies / video games, psychological deviations in the form of a psychological trauma.
With constant criticism, the self-esteem of the victim decreases to a certain level and self-confidence is shaky, in this state it is easier for the tyrant to impose his opinion and desired behavior. The victim in such a state of mind doubts the correctness of his actions, a feeling of insignificance and guilt is instilled.
By psychologically influencing such a person, another model of life is laid, the position of a tyrant is adopted and control is exercised on his part.
There are many signs of psychological violence and a combination of signs is used to determine it, and not each factor individually:
- criticism - a rough assessment of shortcomings, comments about appearance, intelligence, taste preferences, such criticism may be followed by insults.
- Humiliation - insults, rough treatment.
- Accusation - conviction of guilt, for example, in family failures and shifting responsibility for everything that happens.
- Despotism - commanding tone in communication, orders and instructions instead of requests.
- Intimidation - Threats of physical violence to the victim and their loved ones, limiting prohibitions on contact with children and threats from the tyrant to commit suicide.
- Prohibition to communicate with relatives, friends, colleagues, deprivation of means of communication.
- Prohibited from visiting places outside the home and obtaining permission from a partner to leave the house.
- Permanent presence, partner rarely leaves alone.
- Monitoring behavior and communication outside the home, checking personal messages, checking call lists, checking email, installing software, hidden or open surveillance (video surveillance).
Emotional abuse also includes jealousy, which manifests itself in constant accusations of adultery.
A psychological abuser has such qualities as: disrespectful attitude towards a partner and his life principles; the imposition of help that was not asked for, generosity that puts you in an awkward position; total control; jealousy; threatening behavior; the presence of double standards “I can, but you can’t”; life credo "a man (woman) is never guilty of anything."
There are several types of psychological violence. Gaslighting is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse.
The gaslighter denies their partner or child adequateness using the phrases “it seemed to you”, “it didn’t happen”, “you just don’t understand it”. The victim is instilled that the perception of the environment is erroneous, therefore, the victim is convinced that she is going crazy. Neglekt - ignoring any needs, arguing that a person does not need it, deliberate negligence. Sometimes the abuser pushes his partner to plastic surgery, refuses to deal with everyday life and children. In this situation, it is best to isolate yourself from the abuser. Visholding - refusal to discuss an exciting topic. Emotional blackmail - ignoring any action of the victim, emotional coldness, silence, blackmail with personal information. The purpose of such behavior is the subordination of another person, deprivation of one's own will, and only by limiting communication can one protect himself from this. Ignoring - emotional withdrawal.
Isolation - prohibition of contact with everyone except the abuser himself, so the request for help is difficult to carry out. Control - tight control over any actions of the partner. Criticism - pointing out shortcomings and miscalculations, that in front of other people it looks like ridicule. The purpose of such behavior is to form an inferiority complex, after such an impact it is difficult to recover from such a relationship, faith in oneself, partnership is lost.
It is best for the victim to get out of the situation of violence (even run away, disappear from view). Victims of psychological abuse cannot avoid mental problems. Such people are in a state of psychological trauma and experience anxiety, fear, may become depressed, and suicidal attempts are not excluded. There is also emotional dependence, neglect of one's needs, various addictions may arise, for example, alcohol or drugs.
According to studies, in those families where various types of violence (physical, psychological) are used, signs of a delay in physical and neuropsychic development in children are noticed.
