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Emotional abuse how to help


Safe Horizon | Supporting Someone in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Do’s and Don’ts

Emotionally abusive relationships often affect more than the people directly involved. If you suspect that a family member or friend is in an unhealthy relationship, you might want to do something – anything – to help. It’s natural for that urge to get even stronger when that person tells you that they are experiencing emotional abuse.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse involves nonphysical behavior that belittles another person. Emotional abuse can include insults, put downs, verbal threats or other tactics that make someone feel threatened, inferior, ashamed, or degraded. You can learn about the five signs of emotional abuse here.

Since emotional abuse is isolating, complicated and disorienting, it can be difficult to figure out how to support a friend or family member experiencing emotional abuse. Below are tips on how to support someone in an emotionally abusive relationship:

DO Listen

Give the person experiencing emotional abuse space to share their story. It may be difficult, but do not jump in with advice, your personal thoughts or emotions. When listening to a story that’s difficult to hear, check in to make sure you’re actively listening by paraphrasing or repeating what you’ve heard, for example: “I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like a lot.”

DON’T Shame, Judge, or Critique

Remember, emotional abuse is complicated and confusing. It’s natural to have a lot of questions but be aware of your tone and phrasing. The person sharing with you is experiencing a lot in their relationship and most likely already feels a mix of emotions, including guilt and shame. Try not to add onto that.

DO Believe Someone if They Tell You They’re Experiencing Emotional Abuse

Abusers are often very skilled at creating a façade: it may be hard to believe that they are capable of abuse. This doubt is a tool used to exercise control.

Believing someone when they tell you they were abused not only supports them but can also serve to loosen the control exercised over them by the person who is hurting them.

DON’T Make Excuses for the Abuser

Abusive behavior in relationships is typically motivated by a desire for power and control. Yet the specific circumstances of the abuser can vary widely. Whatever the situation, there’s no excuse for abuse. When your friend or family member is sharing their experience with you, it is not the right time to contemplate or try to understand “why” someone is abusive – even if your intentions are good, trying to understand the why in that moment can make the person experiencing the abuse feel dismissed, unheard, and unsupported.

DO Share and be Honest About Your Concerns

It’s okay to voice concerns you may have, but be sure to take a non-judgmental position. Communicate that you are coming from a place of compassion. Try starting by normalizing the experience using a phrase such as, “I think anyone who experienced what you have been through could feel that way”. Use “I” statements to express your concern, such as, “I feel: (emotion) when: (scenario/behavior) because: (reason). ” This example could sound like: “I feel worried when I hear about what you’ve been through because I don’t think this behavior is okay.”

DON’T Make it All About You

If a friend or family member is sharing details of their experience with emotional abuse, it’s normal to have a lot of strong emotions. You may be scared or confused. You may be upset, hurt or feel betrayed like they kept an important secret from you.

It’s okay for you to feel whatever you are feeling. Try and be aware of the impact your reaction may have on the person who is opening up to you. Share your concerns and keep in mind this person is coming to you for support, not the other way around. Try not to put them in a position where they feel they have to justify their actions or choices.

DO Research Resources

Knowledge is power. Collaborate with the person experiencing emotional abuse to figure out what kind of support they might need or want. This post about the five signs of emotional abuse can help in your conversation. Offer to do the leg work of making phone calls, scheduling appointments, or arranging transportation. If you’re stuck, try calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233; they can connect you to resources in your area. If you live in New York, visit our Hotlines page or call our 24-hour Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-621-HOPE(4673). For in-person, ongoing assistance, contact one of our Community Programs.

DON’T Pressure or Force your Opinions or Views

Pressuring or forcing someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship to leave or take action may end up pushing them away from you. It might feel like you’re helping them, but it can end up further isolating them. While you can offer resources and be there to listen and validate, know that you can’t force change. Help by supporting the person who is experiencing emotional abuse to make choices that are right for them, not you.

To learn more about emotional abuse, click here to read the five signs of emotional abuse. To learn more about Safe Horizon programs that may help, you can visit our Community Programs page, Hotlines page, or learn the facts about domestic violence.

DO Take Care of Yourself

It’s possible you may start feeling emotionally or physically exhausted as the result of supporting a friend or family member in an emotionally abusive relationship – this is known as compassion fatigue. People experiencing compassion fatigue often start to display a lack of empathy or indifference toward the person they are supporting and/or experience headaches, digestive problems, or feel overwhelmed and irritable.

If you are supporting someone in an emotionally abusive relationship, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or prioritizing other people’s needs before your own. That’s why it’s important that you make sure you check in with yourself and be open to seeking support. Here are some self-care tips our experts recommend.

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Emotional Abuse - Free 24/7 Support

What is Emotional Abuse?

Everyone has disagreements in relationships. There is a line, however, in which your run-of-the-mill disagreement transitions to abuse. Abuse—sometimes known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV)—is consistent behavior used to assert power or control over a partner in a relationship.

Abuse can take so many forms. The first thing’s first: abuse of any kind is never okay. And, if you are being abused it is not your fault. You are not alone. We’re here for you—always.

Emotional abuse is one type of relationship abuse. It is often sneaky and hard to detect because there are often no physical signs. Even though it flies under the radar, it’s very serious. Sometimes it’s a precursor to physical abuse. Other times, it’s relentless and ongoing. Over time, emotional abuse can be extremely damaging to your mental health.

Sometimes known as psychological abuse, emotional abuse is consistent actions and behaviors intended to psychologically manipulate someone else. (Think making someone feel shame or guilt over and over and over again.)

The bottom line: emotional abuse is hurtful. It can be detrimental to your identity, dignity, and self-worth, sometimes leading to anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

Myths about Emotional Abuse

Particularly because emotional abuse can be hard to spot, myths about what it is and when it happens can make it hard to seek help. Read on to get to the bottom of emotional abuse.

MYTH: Emotional and physical abuse always occur together.

REALITY: Emotional abuse can happen with no physical signs–that’s part of what makes it so hard to spot.

MYTH: Emotional abuse only happens to women.

REALITY: Like any abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone and in any relationship. Often, emotional abuse occurs between intimate partners, but it could occur among friends and peers, too.

MYTH: Emotional abuse isn’t “as bad” as physical abuse.

REALITY: Anything hurtful is just that—hurtful. There is no need to compare or judge one painful experience against another. Any abuse is never okay. And, if you are experiencing it in any way, you deserve help.

Help for Emotional Abuse

So, you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse. Now what?

Reaching out for help is brave. It’s especially brave if someone you are close to has used your emotions to assert their own power. We believe you and we’re here for you. Your emotions are valid. Let’s do this together.

Here are a few ways to get help and stay safe:

  • Reach out. Sharing your emotions with someone who can help you process and validate what you are going through can help you see light in even the darkest of times. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor.
    • Tip: For your safety, it may be wise to delete your texts after the conversation, particularly if your abuser has access to your phone.
  • Tell someone in your life. The benefits of confiding in someone in your life are two-fold: you can find an ally in your corner to process what you’re going through and you can spend some quality time away from the person who is abusing you. Work to build a core group of people who you know will always have your back.
  • Safety plan. Even when emotional abuse is not coupled with physical abuse, it is still unsafe. Think through and plan for all the ways you could get out of the relationship when you need to and are ready.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Because emotional abuse can be hard to pinpoint, it is important to look for patterns of behaviors that could indicate abuse.

  • Criticism. Unrelenting criticism of what you say or do with a specific intention to display power.
  • Shame and blame. Sometimes emotional abuse manifests as incessant blaming and shaming for anything and everything. And, this goes two ways. Abusers may deflect blame or their responsibility for any hurtful actions, leaving the survivor feeling like they are the one at fault 
  • Threats. Threatening in emotionally abusive relationships often happens two ways: threatening physical harm and threatening you to do something you do not want to do.
  • Control. Emotional abusers may control your finances in an attempt to force you to stay in an abusive relationship. (Sad fact: survivors often cite financial manipulation as a primary reason they stay with an abusive partner.)

Crisis Text Line can help you deal with emotional abuse, whether you’re in an abusive relationship or recovering from an unhealthy situation. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741741.

How to Cope with Emotional Abuse

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, know that you deserve love and support. Nobody deserves to be abused. Recovering from emotional abuse may take time. No matter who is abusing you, or how big of a part of your life they are, recovery is possible.

Here are a few ways to put yourself first in your recovery:

  • Find a pro. Recovering from abuse is not linear. And, it’s normal (healthy, even!) to need help processing your emotions in a healthy way. Many therapists are trained specifically to work with survivors of abuse. Reaching out to a for help from a professional could help you transform the way you think, act, and process the emotions around your relationships.
  • Self-care. If you’ve been living in any sort of abusive relationship, it’s likely that you’ve put caring for yourself on the backburner. Practicing self-care (going for a walk, eating the right food, listening to music) reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety that you may be feeling. Prioritizing your self-care could be the first step to resetting your life after abuse. So, put yourself first!
  • Find your people. Rebuilding your life after abuse can feel overwhelming. Like anything in life, the hard stuff is easier when you’ve got people in your corner. Try joining a new club, starting a regular workout class, or scheduling some quality time with the people who matter to you.
  • Text us. We’re here for any and all of the hard stuff. Even if you’re well on your way to recovery, you can reach out to us any time you are in crisis and need to chat with a real human. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor

We can help. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741471.

Pass 741741 On To A Friend

You never know who might need Crisis Text Line. Pass it on and tell the people in your life to text HOME to 741741 if they’re ever in crisis.

Psychological violence and ways of coping

Zyuzkina Anastasia Andreevna, psychologist of the health care institution "City Clinical Psychiatric Dispensary"

Often domestic violence against women and children is not perceived as an act of violence.

The topic of psychological abuse is broad, this issue is relevant not only in the field of the family system, but also in the sphere of work.

For example, in the scientific literature, psychological violence is called mobbing - the employer's disrespectful attitude towards employees in the context of labor relations. Situations where periodically (at least once a week) the employee is humiliated and harassed by the team or the manager, the purpose of which is to dismiss the employee during the period of employment. Mobbing is manifested in the oppression of a long period of time and includes negative statements, unfounded criticism, social isolation of an employee, dissemination of deliberately false information about a person, and more.

Psychological consequences for the object of mobbing are so serious that social significance is perceived as traumatic and compared with murder, rape and robbery. Some people even think about suicide.

Most often, psychological abuse occurs in the family. The main victims of domestic violence are women and children. The consequences of psychological violence include sleep and appetite disorders, alcoholism, reckless committing of traumatic actions, a change in the nature of the individual.

Psychological violence is a form of influencing the emotions or psyche of a partner through threats, intimidation, insults, criticism, condemnation, etc. That is, a constant verbal negative impact on another person. More often this type of violence is subjected to wives from their husbands, much less often vice versa.

Psychological abuse can escalate into physical abuse.

Domestic violence also spreads in cohabitation as cohabitation. Most often it is a form of psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is on a par with physical abuse, since the personality is violated by suppressing self-esteem. Under such conditions, the person who is targeted by the negative impact does not assess the situation as dangerous and sometimes it is necessary to convince them that they have become precisely the victims. Beliefs are formed as if she herself is to blame, misunderstood, did not tolerate, did not prove, provoked. As a result, personal characteristics are formed: self-restraint, alienation, negativism, refusal to express one's own position.

Insults, violence, mistreatment in psychology is called abuse. The person who forces to do something, offends, forces to perform actions that are unpleasant to another person, respectively, is an abuser.

The reasons why one partner affects the psyche of another are varied, the most common: the need for self-realization and self-affirmation at the expense of the other, difficulties in the inability to express one's desires and thoughts, past experience, financial dependence on one's partner, the perception of violence as a norm in family behavior, propaganda of violence in the media / movies / video games, psychological deviations in the form of a psychological trauma.

With constant criticism, the self-esteem of the victim decreases to a certain level and self-confidence is shaky, in this state it is easier for the tyrant to impose his opinion and desired behavior. The victim in such a state of mind doubts the correctness of his actions, a feeling of insignificance and guilt is instilled. By psychologically influencing such a person, another model of life is laid, the position of a tyrant is adopted and control is exercised on his part.

There are many signs of psychological violence and a combination of signs is used to determine it, and not each factor individually:

  • criticism - a rough assessment of shortcomings, comments about appearance, intelligence, taste preferences, such criticism may be followed by insults.
  • Humiliation - insults, rough treatment.
  • Accusation - conviction of guilt, for example, in family failures and shifting responsibility for everything that happens.
  • Despotism - commanding tone in communication, orders and instructions instead of requests.
  • Intimidation - Threats of physical violence against the victim and their loved ones, limiting prohibitions on contact with children and threats from the tyrant to commit suicide.
  • Prohibition to communicate with relatives, friends, colleagues, deprivation of means of communication.
  • Prohibited from visiting places outside the home and obtaining permission from a partner to leave the house.
  • Permanent presence, partner rarely leaves alone.
  • Monitoring behavior and communication outside the home, checking private messages, checking call lists, checking email, installing software, hidden or open surveillance (video surveillance).

Emotional abuse also includes jealousy, which manifests itself in constant accusations of adultery.

A psychological abuser has such qualities as: disrespectful attitude towards a partner and his life principles; the imposition of help that was not asked for, generosity that puts you in an awkward position; total control; jealousy; threatening behavior; the presence of double standards “I can, but you can’t”; life credo "a man (woman) is never guilty of anything."

There are several types of psychological violence. Gaslighting is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse. The gaslighter denies their partner or child adequateness using the phrases “it seemed to you”, “it didn’t happen”, “you just don’t understand it”. The victim is instilled that the perception of the environment is erroneous, therefore, the victim is convinced that she is going crazy. Neglect - ignoring any needs, arguing that a person does not need it, deliberate negligence. Sometimes the abuser pushes his partner to plastic surgery, refuses to deal with everyday life and children. In this situation, it is best to isolate yourself from the abuser. Visholding - refusal to discuss an exciting topic. Emotional blackmail - ignoring any action of the victim, emotional coldness, silence, blackmail with personal information. The purpose of such behavior is the subordination of another person, deprivation of one's own will, and only by limiting communication can one protect himself from this. Ignoring - emotional withdrawal. Isolation - prohibition of communication with everyone except the abuser himself, so the request for help is difficult to carry out. Control - tight control over any actions of the partner. Criticism - pointing out shortcomings and miscalculations, that in front of other people it looks like ridicule. The purpose of such behavior is to form an inferiority complex, after such an impact it is difficult to recover from such a relationship, faith in oneself, partnership is lost.

It is best for the victim to get out of the situation of violence (even run away, disappear from view). Victims of psychological abuse cannot avoid mental problems. Such people are in a state of psychological trauma and experience anxiety, fear, may become depressed, and suicidal attempts are not excluded. There is also emotional dependence, neglect of one's needs, various addictions may arise, for example, alcohol or drugs.

According to studies, in those families where various types of violence (physical, psychological) are used, signs of a delay in the physical and neuropsychic development of children are noticed.

In each specific case of violence, a psychological consultation is required.

It is important to take responsibility for your life, set your own goals, learn to listen to yourself and your feelings, stop negative influences and report what is unpleasant, not tolerate when something causes negative feelings.

In difficult social, economic and psychological situations, you should contact crisis centers to receive the necessary assistance.

For psychological support, you can contact the helpline, where they will listen, support and determine the type of assistance.

There are no bruises, but the soul is crippled: answers to important questions about psychological abuse

Does emotional abuse necessarily lead to physical abuse? Why do victims of psychological abuse not always understand what they are facing? Why do those who find themselves in a particularly difficult situation refuse help? Is it possible to “cure” relationships that involve non-physical abuse? Dealing with a psychologist

Not so long ago, Netflix released the series Maid (aka The Cleaner: The Story of a Single Mother in Russian translation), dedicated to the problem of emotional and psychological violence in the family. According to the plot of the series, Alex (Margaret Qualley) leaves her husband, who cannot control his outbursts of anger. Alex is especially frightened by his behavior while intoxicated. The heroine finds the strength to break off these relations, but does not immediately seek help - it is difficult for her to admit and accept that she faced violence, because the aggressor did not beat her. Co-founder and supervisor of the “NeTerpi” psychological assistance center, former psychologist of the “Nasiliyu.net” center (recognized as a foreign agent in Russia) Tatyana Orlova tells why it is difficult for a person who has found himself in a situation of emotional abuse to realize what is happening, whether the only reason for aggression is alcohol and where to turn to the victims.

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A person may not always be aware that he is in a situation of psychological violence

Why is this happening? There may be several reasons for this. A person who has experienced violence may have lived in similar relationships as a child - for example, he was severely punished or ignored. He takes it as the norm. Or violence arises very gradually, is added in small portions. Then our consciousness manages to adapt to it, create protective mechanisms (for example, pity for the offender) - and also ceases to notice it. There is a third reason: immediately a very cruel attitude that causes serious injury. And the trauma is experienced by our consciousness due to repression: we seem to forget the episodes that traumatize us and therefore we cannot draw proper conclusions from them.

Psychological abuse is difficult to notice at an early stage

Therefore, if the relationship develops too rapidly, if the partner constantly requires you to make some kind of sacrifice, if he is very jealous, scolds and blames former partners and friends, or talks about cases of cruelty and revenge against them, it is worth behaving carefully and giving yourself time. If you do not approach too quickly, it will gradually become clear who is in front of you and whether you can build a dialogue with such a person, find something in common and build respectful contact.

Emotional abuse is no less and often more damaging to the individual than physical abuse

Psychological abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, but it is no less destructive to the individual

Relationships in which psychological abuse is present are much more relationships in which there is physical violence, and the first does not always lead to the second. But emotional abuse is no less, and often more damaging to the individual, than physical abuse. It implies humiliation, devaluation, comparisons, blackmail and threats, pressure and control. When you live in such a relationship, you are forced to agree with what the one who uses emotional abuse inspires you, and gradually you begin to think that, indeed, “it’s all my fault”, “I really have problems with self-esteem, motivation , time management”, “I don’t dance well and I’m not smart enough”. Despite the fact that there are no bruises on the body, the human soul is wounded and crippled.

Survivors of psychological abuse tend to underestimate the seriousness of what is happening

This is not a property of victims as some special type of personality, but a property of any human psyche: our consciousness does not want to be in a state of helplessness. This is the most unpleasant state for consciousness, as there is a loss of control when it is impossible to manage your life. Therefore, consciousness hides such traumatic experiences from us whenever possible. Therefore, to a person experiencing psychological abuse, it seems that nothing special has happened.

A person experiencing violence often cannot understand that it is time to seek help

It is usually those who are in a particularly difficult situation who tend to deny the need for help. It always seems to such a person that there is someone who needs more, and the situation is not too critical, maybe this time everything will work out. To really assess the danger, you need to understand whether there is a threat to life and health. If at least once there was physical violence, if scandals and threats are repeated and growing, if the offender uses drugs or alcohol, then the danger is very great. You should not wait for the next episode, you need to leave as soon as possible. Because you are around, the situation will not improve and the abuser will not improve, and you and your children will receive psychological trauma.

Alcohol cannot be the only cause of aggression towards a partner. Alcohol and drugs, of course, aggravate abuse - control over emotions is destroyed, and a person can no longer control his reactions. But even after quitting drinking, a person may not stop being an aggressor. It is certainly worth treating alcoholism, but this does not mean that it is worth continuing the relationship with the one who is being treated and forgetting about yourself for this. It is advisable to leave your needs in the first place.

If only the injured party wants changes and seeks to “heal the relationship with his love”, then the matter is doomed to failure

Psychological abuse can be stopped, but both partners should want it only the victim, but also the one who uses violence. Or if there are two aggressors in a pair, which is also very common. Then they should work in parallel with a psychologist dealing with the trauma of violence, and an EFT therapist (EFT - emotionally focused therapy. - Forbes Woman ), which will help restore trust in a couple and improve communication between partners.

But if only the injured party wants changes and seeks to “heal the relationship with his love”, then the matter is doomed to failure. Because the more love is invested and the more forgiveness and humility the injured partner demonstrates, the more the abuser can afford and the more he will think that his behavior has no negative consequences.

It will not be possible to change the offender

All efforts aimed at achieving this are in vain. You also need to realize that while you live in such a relationship, you not only receive damage yourself, but also do not allow the aggressor to change, because you serve as a resource that allows him to behave this way. It is not necessary to diagnose yourself and another like “I am a victim” or “he is an abuser”: this does not always change the situation. What is needed is a workable escape plan, support from outside, and recognition of the impossibility of changing anything in this relationship.

The one who produces violence often feels like a victim

He sees a threat in a partner, for example, he is afraid that he will leave him or will humiliate him - and therefore he attacks first. At the same time, he thinks he is defending himself. This is a perceptual error. Probably, in the past - mostly in childhood - a person had enough episodes when he was really a victim, and now he projects this experience onto reality.

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Psychological violence can occur not only in partnerships, but also in working relationships

Almost everyone in some cases uses elements of psychological violence and experiences it himself. We know how to defend ourselves against it, and it does not become something categorically harmful and bad for us, if it does not turn out to be a constant factor in relationships.

For example, a boss might ask you to do overtime, implying that non-hard-working employees do not work for this company. Here, a person may have a choice: to comply with the requirement or to defend the right to rest and subsequently, possibly, face a deterioration in attitude. If at least theoretically a person has the opportunity to change jobs, for him this choice is not so critical, he can say “no” in this situation. But if it is difficult with work or in a previous experience (for example, in childhood) a person did not have the opportunity to refuse, since this was followed by punishment, the person loses this choice. He is forced to agree, and if such manipulations continue, he may become a victim of violence.

You can notice this state by the feeling of hopelessness, anxiety and fear arising in contact with a person or people who violate the boundaries; by feelings of shame and guilt; internal monologues in their defense. Such relationships destroy self-esteem and eventually lead to burnout.

Recognizing a victim of psychological abuse can be difficult, but if you know about such a person, tell him about the organizations that help. Often they devalue the danger and harm that such a relationship causes them. Therefore, even if we see that a person does not resist when he is treated badly, we should not think that he likes it or is fine with it.

Professional help is needed to deal with this. Therefore, it is important not to blame the victim and not to insist on immediate changes. But it’s definitely worth telling the person that there are free services where you can talk about your situation and better understand it. For example, the oldest center "Anna" (recognized as a "foreign agent") has an excellent help map on the site.

Victims of psychological and financial violence are entitled to help from organizations dealing with the problem of domestic violence, but obtaining asylum in Russia is not always easy

Recently, many public organizations have appeared in Russia that provide assistance to victims of psychological and other types of non-physical violence. For example, for a year now there has been a “NeTerpi” center, where you can get psychological and legal assistance in a situation of violence. Such centers generally do not have the financial means to create shelters, but not all victims need them: rather, they need to make a decision to leave, and for this they need support and psychological help most of all.

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