Counselors specializing in narcissistic abuse near me

2. They seem invisible. These children may not have an idea about themselves (their true "I"), about what they want or need. The grandiosity of the parents overshadowed the child so much that as a result a person appeared who had no idea who he really was as a person.

3. They become so accustomed to narcissism that they can either choose narcissistic relationships or avoid relationships entirely. Neglect, abuse, anger, lack of empathy, and emotional play can be so overwhelming that they can cause a child to grow up expecting such treatment in all human relationships, develop insecure attachments or distrust of other people, and completely withdraw from emotional intimacy with other people.

4. Narcissism breeds codependency, low self-esteem, guilt, or more narcissism. These children often adapt, either by erasing themselves (denying their own selves), sacrificing their own needs, developing PTSD, or joining the "winning" side and becoming narcissists.

Parenting with children of a parent with NPD

Young children of a mother or father with narcissistic personality disorder are the real victims of their parent and his disorder - just like any child who lives with a dependent parent (alcoholic, drug addict) or guilty of physical or sexual abuse. Narcissistic parents abuse children in a very subtle and sophisticated way: they inflict severe emotional and mental abuse, although no one outside the family will ever suspect anything wrong. These child victims quite often go unnoticed, receive no treatment, and receive no help from adults other than their next of kin. This is due to the nature of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

The main behavioral feature of parents with NPD is the almost complete lack of care for their child. Outwardly, in public, a parent with NPD is often not seen as an abusive person. Inside the family, the child has no doubt that something is very, very wrong. In some cases, this parent starts to "warm up" and make mistakes that draw negative attention to him and shed light on his NPD, but in most cases, the abuse continues for years.

M

You can think of NPD as a kind of "spectrum" with varying degrees of chaotic and inconsistent behavior. While some adults with NPD express their frustration rather mildly (for example, a mom or dad forces their child to play a sport they don't want to play for a beauty contest), others are experts at covering up abuse and can manipulate other people at will. (including teachers, officials, police, lawyers and even judges).

Because of their disorder, parents with NPD pay little or no attention to their child's personality, ambitions, or emotions. This parent just thinks about himself all the time. This is a very difficult concept for most normal people to understand ; it is difficult to find a parent who does not care for their child, and it is also difficult to understand how this child can improve the mental state of his parent, or how a child can be a source of "narcissistic energy". People with NPD are constantly seeking out and getting to know people, using their charm, false interest, and lavish gifts to get people into a relationship with them. If a person with NPD has a child, then he is the supplier of food (energy) for his ego. A person with NPD it is absolutely necessary to see the reaction of others in order to convince yourself of your own identity . And they don't really care about the consequences of an act until they get a reaction from those around them. In this way, the NPD parent quickly goes from the most charming, loving, and helpful parent on the planet to the most angry, insensitive, and abusive parent imaginable (think of the movie Mommy Dearest ).

Young children of parents with narcissistic personality disorder are the true victims of their parent and their disorder, just as much as any child who lives with a dependent parent, or a parent who physically or sexually abuses the child.

Abuse of a child by a parent with NPD

People complain about spoiled children, but in reality children have very little power over their parents. This is even more true in the case of a child with an NPD parent, as that child is well aware of the unpredictability, implied threats, and intense rage that such a parent exhibits. The child learns early to "crouch and cover" by constantly appeasing the childhood whims (which are constantly changing) of the parent with NPD. The child is frightened that if he tells anyone outside the family about his very ill parent, no one will listen to him or believe him, because the NPD parent is a master of "false face" (hypocrisy) in public. Secondly, the child is afraid that his complaint will come back to the parent with NPD and he will take revenge on the child.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers cause intense fear in the child in several ways.

· First, they may tell the child that they have “eyes and ears everywhere” and the child cannot hide anything from them. One father of three little girls gave them necklaces that he told them they should wear all the time because he has a special ability and can see everything the kids are doing through the necklaces. They were afraid not to take them off and were afraid to take them off.

· Another way NPD parents foment fear is by implicit or direct threats to the child that the parent will leave them or that the parent will not be able to live if the child does not obey the will of the parents. The child naturally loves his parents and wants to please them; NPD parents can never be satisfied, and a child is never good enough for them.

Some NPD parents make it clear to the child "between the lines" (indirect hints) that if the child is ever disloyal to the parent, serious and dangerous things will happen, up to and including harm to their other non-NPD parent or the child himself.

Victim children of parents with NPD live only to please and delight their parents; The parent needs the child to always adore them and agree with them, which the child is very good at doing in the presence of the parent. Away from their parents, these children are often depressed, anxious, and gloomy, as if they had simply ceased to be normal children. Although some school counselors or coaches may notice that a child is having difficulty, they may never suspect that it is due to NPD parent abuse, especially if they know the child's parent. If a child tells an adult about his parent, he will suspect that the child has a congenital emotional or mental health problem; which plays into the hands of the NPD parent when the school counselor calls him for a meeting. The child then falls into a terrible trap: the child is diagnosed with a mental health problem.

Parents with a personality disorder can sometimes make mistakes in showing their true character. This can happen when a parent who wants what they want creates an awkward public scene with the child present. In fact, they sometimes use their children as leverage in social situations to get others to back down or give them what they want. Witnesses to such public anger are only required to save the child from the intense embarrassment that their parents are willing to put through.

The child learns that he must put aside what is important to him or what he would like to do, because only what the NPD parent wants matters. Parents always put their own wants and needs ahead of the interests of the child, often masking this fact with the altruistic claim that the parent is simply doing what is best for the child. The child has no real choice not to succumb to the parent's plan for them, even if the child has no desire or any real talent for the activity the parent forces him to do. Emotional blackmail is a given. On the other hand, some parents with NPD simply ignore any accomplishment the child makes on their own and may even belittle the child's accomplishments in private, taking credit for the child's accomplishments in public if the accomplishment elevates the NPD parent's reputation as Parent of the Year.

Within the family, NPD parents will present the child as either overly controlling, completely insensitive and evil, or overly kind, generous and understanding. These ideas of theirs can quickly alternate, constantly leaving the child emotionally unbalanced, anxious from a misunderstanding of what is happening with the parent. Essentially a form of mind control and torture well known to survivors of POW camps . Thus, the child is faced with a very narrow choice of how to respond: he may choose total submission (and thus lose his identity), wait patiently until he is eighteen years old, and then move as far away from the parent as possible and try to find a cure or, through constant exposure and training, become a narcissistic adult himself. A parent may treat the last child like a little prince or princess at the expense of any other siblings who have chosen a different coping path.

Narcissistic injury refers to any threat (real or imagined) the narcissist perceives to his grandiose false self at any given moment. With every narcissistic injury that the narcissist's fragile ego experiences, he will exhibit a reflexive drive to violent rage.

- Christine Louis de Canonville

Growing and adult children of narcissistic parents

The normal development of children dictates that they begin to individuate and differentiate as they grow, which means that they blossom into their unique being. This normal progress picks up speed with age. The NPD parent begins to feel uncomfortable when the child begins to assert his or her individuality or independence; the parent perceives this as betrayal, disloyalty, or disobedience. Children often become aware of their parents' illness quite early in elementary school, when they have the opportunity to compare other children's parents with their own. As the child grows older, the stress in the family system can rise to unbearable levels .

Some NPD parents may earn a reputation in society as at least difficult people, and at worst they are considered unpredictable and dangerous. NPDs can get "horny" and pose a real danger because they view their children (and spouse) as property that they have the right to dispose of if they want. Many cases of domestic violence and homicide can be attributed to a person with NPD.

The truth is that narcissistic parents don't understand children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children, so they have automatic, internal relationships in which they have power, relationships in which the narcissist can write his own rules without any checks and balances.

- Seth Meyers, PhD

NPD Parent Campaign

Even if the non-NPD parent can get the upper hand and find help to get out of these autological relationships, the courts often uphold standard custody agreements. The child, fearful of a narcissistic parent, may not talk about the family situation with counselors, lawyers, or judges. The parent with a personality disorder proves time and time again that he will not be discovered for who he really is and that he will not be blamed or held accountable. The child does not believe that these adults in court can help. In fact, the narcissistic parent often "plays" with the legal system so well that lawyers and judges fall into the trap of believing that the non-personality parent is dramatizing the situation because of the emotions associated with the divorce situation. Indeed, stories by non-IDP parents about an ex-spouse with NPD often sound so "unusual" that the judge finds it hard to believe. The child believes that there is no one in the world who can help him in protecting him from a narcissistic parent, so he will support him in public.

Clinical counselors (psychologists and psychiatrists) are always very hesitant - if not completely avoiding the question of how to treat children involved in custody cases when one of the parents is believed to have NPD. Most clinicians very rarely publicly identify a person as suffering from a personality disorder, lest the narcissist turn all their anger on the counselor (i.e., drag him to court to testify or, more commonly, harass him about his work, competence, and etc. ). Again, the narcissistic parent doesn't really care about the child or what the child needs in terms of therapeutic support, only how the narcissistic parent can use a counselor against the other parent and make themselves look better in court.

Judicial intervention

Ultimately, true interference in a child's life can only come from the court system , because that is the only institution that the narcissist respects and fears . Again, the problem is that judges often overlook the fact that one of the parents they are dealing with has this personality disorder. In addition, it is often very difficult to demonstrate emotional and mental abuse to a court because the nature of the NPD parent-child relationship prohibits the child from speaking honestly with the judge, and the opinion of the other parent is most often considered biased. Because few, if any, counselors are willing to testify about abuse and take the path of dealing with the narcissist, the court is left to recognize these difficult things for itself. By recognizing the many signature behavioral patterns that NPD parents inevitably leave behind, child custody courts can begin to identify and then take important action for children of parents with NPD.

If a court were to order a child's contact with an NPD parent, it could give the child enough time to begin the recovery process and build up the courage to undergo psychotherapeutic treatment in a way that can actually benefit him. In addition, the court will need to provide more protection for the counselor from being called to court and testifying (which effectively destroys the therapeutic relationship with the child in the future) so that they can do their job and help the child recover and develop coping skills, mechanisms for more effective interactions with their NPD parent.

How narcissistic personality disorder will affect divorce and custody

In a nutshell: expect a fight . Because in order to support and feed their grandiose and inflated ego, the narcissist will engage in a divorce and custody battle, intending to win at all costs. A rough, dirty, bloody battle will be unpleasant for everyone, but especially for the child, who will be manipulated and used as a pawn to win and cause maximum emotional damage to the target parent .

The target parent can be helped by meticulous journaling documenting the child's visits, or a folder full of emails and screenshots of text messages. Find a lawyer who has experience with personality disorders and knows what to expect.

The contents of this article are accurate and truthful to the best of the author's knowledge and are not intended to replace the formal and individual advice of a qualified professional.

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Tags: William Krill, narcissistic personality disorder, alienating behavior, consequences for the child

Narcissism - what it is, signs and causes of narcissistic personality disorder

Surely among your acquaintances there is someone about whom you thought “yes, he is a typical narcissist”. Most likely, the description of this person will look like this: self-confident, ambitious, somewhat selfish. Possibly manipulative.

The term "narcissism" sounds everywhere: in psychological blogs, films, "Tiktok". There are articles and studies about him. But often in them this phenomenon is simplified and stigmatized. Who are narcissists, should they be avoided, and when can one speak of a narcissistic disorder?

What is narcissism

Narcissism in psychology is an exaggerated opinion about one's contribution to society or a group, otherwise known as excessive narcissism or even egocentrism. This is not a monolithic concept, but a whole spectrum. To some extent, its features are present in many of us, this is normal and even useful in some ways. For example, people with a narcissistic temperament are often ambitious, take care of themselves and achieve great success in their careers.

Depending on how pronounced narcissistic tendencies are and whether they interfere with life, the spectrum of narcissism can be divided into four parts:

• individual features
• character
• accentuation
• personality disorder.

Character and accentuation are options for a healthy manifestation of narcissism, and personality disorder is already a psychiatric diagnosis.

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The extreme degree of the norm is the narcissistic accentuation of the personality. This means that the narcissistic qualities of character are so pronounced that in some cases they begin to interfere with a person's life. They can affect his relationships with others or the professional sphere. However, their influence is not so serious as to diagnose a personality disorder. For example, they can lead to conflicts with superiors or prevent a person from sincerely opening up to another, removing the mask of ideality.

What qualities are considered narcissistic

Based on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, one of the most popular tools for identifying non-clinical cases of narcissism, the following qualities can be considered narcissistic:

• Demonstration. It is expressed in the idea of ​​one's own unusualness, uniqueness, physical attractiveness and ability to influence others
• Authority. Confidence in possessing leadership qualities, the ability to influence others, power over people, the ability to succeed.
• Chosenness. The feeling of one's own peculiarity, the expectation of an exceptionally good attitude, respect, recognition of one's merits, submission to one's requirements and desires.
• Vanity. The desire to look good in the eyes of others, the need to confirm one's superiority, the desire to hear flattery from other people.

• Self-sufficiency. Confidence in one's independence from people in achieving results, competence, responsibility for making decisions, confidence in the correctness of one's actions, the ability to live in accordance with one's desires, the ability to become a great person.
• Excellence. Conviction in the extraordinary and uniqueness of one's personality, the presence of special achievements and talents, the deserving of appropriate recognition from others.
• Operation. Confidence in one's ability to use other people, the ease of manipulating others to achieve one's own goals, the ability to understand others well, influence their behavior, and convince of something.

Along with these traits, there are often such characteristics as increased sensitivity to shame, perfectionism, a feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness.

People with a narcissistic psychotype are demonized, attributing to them aggressiveness, lack of empathy, a tendency to violence

The traits listed above are manifestations of narcissism as a personality trait, that is, a norm. To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-5 American Classification of Diseases, a person must exhibit five or more of the following characteristics of narcissism in early adulthood:

Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited achievement, influence, power, intelligence, beauty, or ideal love.

In Russia, however, since January 2022 it has become impossible to get a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because our doctors do not follow the DSM-5, but the International Classification of Diseases from the World Health Organization. In the latest edition, the division into individual personality disorders was removed: now they look at whether a person has general signs of a personality disorder, the degree of their severity and specific manifestations. This will make the approach more comprehensive and personalized.

Is it worth labeling a person "narcissist"

There are two sides to using such labels. They can be a guide, explain individual patterns in their own and others' behavior, feelings and thinking; can help you get the big picture. But they can also become a stigmatizing stigma, if you do not pay attention to the individual characteristics of a person. Unfortunately, in modern culture, this often happens and any people with a narcissistic psychotype are demonized, attributing to them aggressiveness, lack of empathy, a tendency to violence, and offering to avoid any contact with them. But this will not be true for every person with narcissistic traits. Because of such generalizations, even the expression "narcissist" itself has acquired a negative connotation, and its use is considered not entirely ethical.

In addition, in psychology there are many different classifications of narcissism that better convey the shades of this phenomenon than one term.

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What types of narcissism are distinguished by psychologists

Most often they talk about two types:

Grandiose. Such a person wants to be the best. Faster, higher, stronger than all. Career, appearance, relationships - everything should be perfect. This characteristic fits well with the modern philosophy of success and achievement, so often this type achieves a lot in life. Grandiose narcissists can embellish reality to fit their ideal image if reality falls short. The self-esteem of such people is unstable: from the outside it may seem high or even inflated, but inside they often feel empty and dissatisfied.

Vulnerable. He is also hidden or thin-skinned. Clinical psychologist Paul Wink in his work "The Two Faces of Narcissism" described the mental portrait of representatives of this type as prone to introversion, submission, anxiety, vulnerability and always being on the defensive. However, like the grandiose type, they are vain, interested in others, impulsive, and often take risks.

While grandiose narcissists tend to exalt themselves in the eyes of others, vulnerable narcissists may appear to hate themselves. In fact, this is the same idealization, but turned inside out. While grandiose narcissists tend to see themselves as the best, covert narcissists tend to see themselves as the worst, stupidest, most miserable. Keyword: most.

From the grandiose pole, a person with narcissism can fall into the other extreme: feel like a partner unworthy of love in principle

Some researchers believe that these types are not mutually exclusive, but can change depending on the circumstances of a person's life. For example, there was a successful period at work: a person exceeded KPI and received praise from his superiors. At this point, he will be inclined to idealize himself, to feel his own exclusivity and superiority, life will seem beautiful. A week later, the partner shares that some aspect of the relationship does not suit him. From the grandiose pole, a person with narcissism can fall into the other extreme: to feel like a disgusting partner, unworthy of love in principle. And at the same time devalue all previous achievements. In this state, a person may impulsively propose a breakup or show aggression, trying to avoid corrosive shame.

And if the narcissistic disorder is accompanied by features of sociopathy (indifference, aggressiveness, disregard for social norms), one can speak of perverse narcissism. It is this type that is prone to emotional violence and even crime due to a lack of empathy. Perverted narcissists are people who prove their worth and value through the humiliation of others. It is extremely difficult for them to build a healthy relationship, as they are not able to empathize, lie, manipulate and overly control their partner. This type rarely turns to a psychotherapist, and it is difficult for him to stay in therapy.

Narcissism in men and women

Scientists at the Buffalo Institute reviewed studies of narcissistic personality disorder published over the past 30 years and found that it is more common in men and manifests itself somewhat differently than in women.

First, men are more likely to exploit others and feel entitled to enjoy privileges. Secondly, they show more desire for power and leadership. But in the manifestations of vanity and egocentrism, there was no particular difference. Scientists suggest that such results may be the result of a certain gender socialization - that is, the attitudes broadcast by society about what men and women can and cannot be.

Because women are often criticized for being aggressive and authoritarian, they can suppress these narcissistic traits while men do not have to. But the authors note that this topic requires further study.

Causes of narcissism

There are different concepts as to why people develop narcissism. The conducted studies have not proved an unambiguous connection with genetics, so the sociocultural concept remains the main one.

Representatives of psychoanalysis paid a special attention to the nature of narcissism. For example, Sigmund Freud and Heinz Kohut were of the opinion that at a certain stage in the development of a child, the emergence of narcissism is a natural and healthy phenomenon - this is called primary narcissism. In infancy, the child has no other needs than his own, and he does not have to make any effort to satisfy them. In fact, he is the center of his own universe. This is a normal developmental stage that everyone goes through.

However, certain circumstances can lead to secondary narcissism - that is, its unhealthy form. Such a circumstance could be a lack of parental love and acceptance. Moreover, the child did not necessarily encounter excessive severity, cruelty or indifference. It is quite possible that his parents, on the contrary, praised him for any reason and did not forbid anything. Child idealization and permissiveness can also be perceived as dislike and cause secondary narcissism, according to Karen Horney. When only the positive side is seen in a child, ignoring the existence of negative traits, he feels unseen. As if they love not him, but some other person, an image. In both cases, the defensive reaction is the creation of an imaginary ideal "I", designed to deserve the love and attention of others.

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Psychoanalyst Andre Green considers another reason in his article "Dead Mother". He talks about a situation in which the mother was physically alive, but was emotionally unavailable and absent due to depression. For this reason, the child did not receive love, care, support in the proper amount. The researcher believed that the mother's depression becomes a trauma for the child, since the baby, up to a certain age, sees in himself the cause of everything that happens around him and, among other things, blames himself for his mother's condition.

Lack of communication and warmth leads to the fact that the child tries to "bring the mother back to life", changing behavior, attracting attention. Failures give rise to tremendous anxiety and a feeling of a bottomless hole inside. Over time, the baby begins to feel the emptiness, which he will later try to fill: with achievements, attention, other people. In this case, those around him can become his narcissistic extension - like an extension of his personality, an attribute to maintain status and high self-esteem. Other consequences are the replacement of emotions with reasoning, a tendency to depression, aggressiveness, the inability to let someone in, to accept and experience love, to build warm trusting relationships.

Narcissistic trauma

Trauma associated with the narcissistic part of the personality can occur not only in childhood. According to Freud, a narcissistic injury is a situation in which the narcissist feels that his hidden true self has been discovered. Its imperfection is revealed. For example, if he faced failure or his authority was called into question. Narcissistic trauma can lead to depression or what is known as narcissistic rage, an attempt to regain control and avenge the pain.

Treatment of narcissism

Both narcissistic personality disorder and narcissism in the broadest sense are generally amenable to psychotherapy. It's not exactly a "treatment" in the medical sense of the word. Rather, the process of knowing, accepting and adapting to the characteristics of one's personality.

For therapy to be effective, the person must be interested in it. In many cases, the benefits of narcissistic character traits and the difficulty in recognizing one's own imperfection lead to the fact that a person is not too willing to change something in his life and turn to a psychotherapist. And in a situation where we are talking simply about character traits that do not interfere with the person himself and do not harm others, the therapy of narcissism is, in principle, not needed.

If you feel bad in a relationship, then whether the person is a narcissist or not, it makes sense to think about parting. Working with the deep structures of personality requires a lot of effort and time. But at the same time, the very arrival of psychotherapy already has a positive effect. The therapeutic relationship is built on trust, acceptance, and recognition of the person in all of his manifestations, and this is exactly the kind of experience that people with narcissistic disorder or pronounced narcissism practically do not have.

Together with the client, the therapist looks for points of support and support. The psychologist is able to endure regular cycles of idealization and devaluation, which allows the relationship to last. Teaches the client to see himself, not to fall into one of the poles of adoration and hatred, to endure his fears, doubts, vulnerability, envy and a constant sense of shame. See the value of other people in isolation from himself and, if necessary, control his aggression.

Having received the experience of warm acceptance of different aspects of his personality in therapy, a person with narcissism learns to apply this experience in everyday life, to build relationships with the world and himself in a new way.

How to communicate with a person if you suspect narcissism or NPD

There are two main principles to follow: focus on how you feel in contact with this person and not try to save him. In general, these rules can be applied to any relationship, regardless of the type of person.

It is not so important to recognize how pronounced narcissism is, but to pay attention to the quality of your relationship:

• whether there is disrespect, manipulation, aggression or violence
• Does your self-esteem suffer? No, it makes sense to think about parting. In the case of an abusive relationship without outside support, this can be very difficult.

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