Emotional abuse from boyfriend
21 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Not all kinds of abuse come with visible signs or warnings. Some, like emotional abuse, may affect you before you realize what’s happening.
Emotional mistreatment and abuse can take many forms. Sometimes, it can sneak up on you and hide in sweet words. Other times, it comes in waves of complete silence.
It can be difficult to know when you’re experiencing emotional abuse. You may not recognize some of the signs. Maybe you’ve been led to believe you’re too sensitive, or all relationships are like this.
But when you start feeling isolated, powerless, or worthless in your relationships, you might want to pay closer attention.
There’s never a good reason for you to feel this way. You deserve respect, love, and care.
Learning to pinpoint the red flags in your relationship can help you make empowered decisions about it.
Abuse refers to words and behaviors that intentionally cause harm. It can range from physically violent acts to sexual assault to neglect and humiliation.
Abuse can happen only once, or it can be a pattern of behavior that repeats over time and across situations.
Abuse is always intentional. You might hurt others with words or actions, but this doesn’t always qualify as abuse.
Doing something with the intention of taking advantage of or hurting someone else, qualifies as abuse.
Someone may not be aware that their behavior is defined as abuse. But, if the intention of their actions is to exert control, take your power away, manipulate you, or retain you against your will, then that is abusive behavior.
Abuse is defined by the intention and not always by the impact. In other words, someone may say hurtful things and push you around with the intention to cause you harm. Even if you don’t get hurt by what they do, their actions qualify as abuse.
Emotional abuse
Abuse isn’t always physical or evident. You don’t need to have visible “proof” someone is causing you harm.
Emotional abuse occurs when someone uses words and nonviolent behaviors to exert power and control over you.
It’s sometimes referred to as mental or psychological abuse.
Emotional abuse can be any harmful behavior that may negatively affect your emotional state. Even if you don’t experience a negative impact from what the other person is saying or doing, if their intention was to hurt you, that is abuse.
Emotional abuse often leads you to develop a negative self-image and poor confidence.
Someone with emotionally abusive behaviors may try to isolate you from loved ones, for example. They may use manipulation tactics to prevent you from doing things you enjoy.
Sometimes, emotional unavailability and emotional abandonment may also be considered emotional abuse.
You may find emotional abuse gradually takes away your freedom, individuality, and sense of self.
Over 10 years ago, national survey data showed approximately half of people in the United States had at some point experienced emotional abuse by a romantic partner.
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to come from a partner, though.
It can also come from employers, co-workers, family, and friends.
Example of nonpartner emotional abuse
Something important happened at work and you’re running late to meet your mom for dinner.
When you call her to let her know, she replies, “It’s fine. You always have something more important than me, anyway. I’m used to it.”
You’re hurt by her comment, but convince yourself her words are justified because you’re the one running late.
When you get to the restaurant, she barely speaks to you. When you say your goodbyes, she says, “I’m busy next week with your brother. He’s a good son and never forgets about me.”
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to happen regularly. It can be a one-time occurrence, or it may happen several times.
You may experience emotional abuse throughout an entire relationship with someone.
Emotional abuse is never OK. But abusive patterns may have greater psychological consequences compared to one-time events.
If someone has a singular abusive behavior, sometimes that behavior can be addressed and changed.
Abusive patterns, however, work over time by affecting your thoughts and emotions, wearing you down.
It’s not always easy to spot signs of emotional abuse. You can learn to recognize abusive behaviors in others. But if you’re experiencing abuse, you may notice your own behavior changes, too.
11 behavioral signs of emotional abuse in others
Some of these attitudes and behaviors may signal someone is emotionally abusing you.
Shaming
Shaming is any action or word intended to make you feel ashamed of being you.
Shaming can make you feel in the wrong for your thoughts or actions.
It can include expressions like, “Why would you do that?” It may also take the form of comments that target insecurities, such as your body image.
Blaming
Emotionally abusive blaming can take the form of “flipping the switch,” or suddenly blaming you for someone else’s behaviors or reactions.
“I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t made me so angry,” is an example of blaming that removes responsibility from the person with abusive behaviors.
Criticizing
Criticism that’s cruel or isn’t constructive may be emotionally abusive. Interrupting you mid-conversation to say you don’t know when to shut up, for example, can be a form of emotional abuse.
Guilting
Guilt can be a powerful manipulation tactic. When you feel as though you’ve let someone down, you’re not good enough, or you’re a disappointment, you may change your behavior to avoid that feeling in the future.
Humiliating
One of the more obvious forms of emotional abuse is humiliating. This may come as public embarrassment, or private behaviors that degrade you and make you feel less than human.
Ridiculing
Name-calling, mean “jokes,” and sarcasm can all be forms of abusive ridicule.
Dismissing
When your thoughts, values, or opinions are dismissed, it can make you feel unimportant.
Over time, you may question if your input has any value.
Accusing
Unfair accusations can manipulate you into people-pleasing behaviors. If someone is constantly accusing you of infidelity, for example, you may go to extra lengths to be attentive toward them. You might also stop leaving the house out of fear they might confront you about where you are.
Neglecting
When your physical or emotional needs aren’t met, this can be a form of neglect. Emotional neglect might mean deliberately withholding affection, or punishing you with the silent treatment.
Monitoring
Monitoring can destroy your sense of privacy. Reading your messages, scanning your social media, and showing up at events you’re attending are all forms of monitoring.
Verbally berating
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to be subtle. Sometimes it comes as verbal attacks, mood swings, or fits of yelling.
10 signs of emotional abuse in yourself
When emotionally abusive behaviors in someone else are difficult to spot, you may be able to identify the abuse by exploring yourself.
Personal signs you may be experiencing emotional abuse can include:
- Social withdrawal. You feel isolated or withdrawn from others.
- Low self-esteem. You become self-critical or feel worthless.
- Fear. You walk on eggshells or avoid saying or doing things that could cause a reaction.
- Adapting to other people’s expectations. You change your appearance or interests despite your preferences.
- Losing your identity. You give up activities you enjoy.
- Dependence or codependence. You lose your sense of independence.
- Voice and power. You don’t contribute to decisions or participate in projects that affect both of you.
- Shame. You feel guilty or anxious about who you are.
- Physical changes. You notice changes in your sleeping, eating, or weight patterns.
- Psychological symptoms.
You experience mental health conditions such as depression.
The effects of emotional abuse can be broad and often depend on your unique circumstances.
Emotional abuse from a parent, for example, may create different challenges compared with those that result from partner abuse.
The effects of emotional abuse on you may also vary depending on your emotional resources and support network.
If you feel you may be experiencing abuse in your relationship, support is available. There are many ways to deal with the situation.
No matter what type of emotional abuse you’ve experienced, speaking with a mental health professional may help.
You can explore coping strategies and learn how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries can protect your mental health and help you make the right decisions for yourself.
You may also find it helpful to reach out to someone who can understand what you’re going through. These resources are available right now:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Call 800-799-7233, text “start” at 88788, or chat here. - Crisis Text Line. Text 741741 or start a chat by typing “home” via this link.
Abuse refers to any behavior that has the intention to control, overpower, or hurt you. It can come from romantic partners, family members, friends, co-workers, or strangers.
Emotional abuse may be more subtle, but it can gradually affect your self-esteem and sense of personal power. It’s never your fault, though over time, experiencing emotional abuse may make you think you’re to blame.
The signs of emotional abuse can be difficult to spot. You may not be able to recognize some of the abusive behaviors in someone else, but you could identify some changes in yourself.
Feeling withdrawn, worthless, or fearful are just some personal indications you may be experiencing emotional abuse.
Exiting an abusive situation is possible and healing can be achieved. You’re not alone, and you deserve to start your path toward respect and care.
21 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Not all kinds of abuse come with visible signs or warnings. Some, like emotional abuse, may affect you before you realize what’s happening.
Emotional mistreatment and abuse can take many forms. Sometimes, it can sneak up on you and hide in sweet words. Other times, it comes in waves of complete silence.
It can be difficult to know when you’re experiencing emotional abuse. You may not recognize some of the signs. Maybe you’ve been led to believe you’re too sensitive, or all relationships are like this.
But when you start feeling isolated, powerless, or worthless in your relationships, you might want to pay closer attention.
There’s never a good reason for you to feel this way. You deserve respect, love, and care.
Learning to pinpoint the red flags in your relationship can help you make empowered decisions about it.
Abuse refers to words and behaviors that intentionally cause harm. It can range from physically violent acts to sexual assault to neglect and humiliation.
Abuse can happen only once, or it can be a pattern of behavior that repeats over time and across situations.
Abuse is always intentional. You might hurt others with words or actions, but this doesn’t always qualify as abuse.
Doing something with the intention of taking advantage of or hurting someone else, qualifies as abuse.
Someone may not be aware that their behavior is defined as abuse. But, if the intention of their actions is to exert control, take your power away, manipulate you, or retain you against your will, then that is abusive behavior.
Abuse is defined by the intention and not always by the impact. In other words, someone may say hurtful things and push you around with the intention to cause you harm. Even if you don’t get hurt by what they do, their actions qualify as abuse.
Emotional abuse
Abuse isn’t always physical or evident. You don’t need to have visible “proof” someone is causing you harm.
Emotional abuse occurs when someone uses words and nonviolent behaviors to exert power and control over you.
It’s sometimes referred to as mental or psychological abuse.
Emotional abuse can be any harmful behavior that may negatively affect your emotional state. Even if you don’t experience a negative impact from what the other person is saying or doing, if their intention was to hurt you, that is abuse.
Emotional abuse often leads you to develop a negative self-image and poor confidence.
Someone with emotionally abusive behaviors may try to isolate you from loved ones, for example. They may use manipulation tactics to prevent you from doing things you enjoy.
Sometimes, emotional unavailability and emotional abandonment may also be considered emotional abuse.
You may find emotional abuse gradually takes away your freedom, individuality, and sense of self.
Over 10 years ago, national survey data showed approximately half of people in the United States had at some point experienced emotional abuse by a romantic partner.
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to come from a partner, though.
It can also come from employers, co-workers, family, and friends.
Example of nonpartner emotional abuse
Something important happened at work and you’re running late to meet your mom for dinner.
When you call her to let her know, she replies, “It’s fine. You always have something more important than me, anyway. I’m used to it.”
You’re hurt by her comment, but convince yourself her words are justified because you’re the one running late.
When you get to the restaurant, she barely speaks to you. When you say your goodbyes, she says, “I’m busy next week with your brother. He’s a good son and never forgets about me.”
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to happen regularly. It can be a one-time occurrence, or it may happen several times.
You may experience emotional abuse throughout an entire relationship with someone.
Emotional abuse is never OK. But abusive patterns may have greater psychological consequences compared to one-time events.
If someone has a singular abusive behavior, sometimes that behavior can be addressed and changed.
Abusive patterns, however, work over time by affecting your thoughts and emotions, wearing you down.
It’s not always easy to spot signs of emotional abuse. You can learn to recognize abusive behaviors in others. But if you’re experiencing abuse, you may notice your own behavior changes, too.
11 behavioral signs of emotional abuse in others
Some of these attitudes and behaviors may signal someone is emotionally abusing you.
Shaming
Shaming is any action or word intended to make you feel ashamed of being you.
Shaming can make you feel in the wrong for your thoughts or actions.
It can include expressions like, “Why would you do that?” It may also take the form of comments that target insecurities, such as your body image.
Blaming
Emotionally abusive blaming can take the form of “flipping the switch,” or suddenly blaming you for someone else’s behaviors or reactions.
“I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t made me so angry,” is an example of blaming that removes responsibility from the person with abusive behaviors.
Criticizing
Criticism that’s cruel or isn’t constructive may be emotionally abusive. Interrupting you mid-conversation to say you don’t know when to shut up, for example, can be a form of emotional abuse.
Guilting
Guilt can be a powerful manipulation tactic. When you feel as though you’ve let someone down, you’re not good enough, or you’re a disappointment, you may change your behavior to avoid that feeling in the future.
Humiliating
One of the more obvious forms of emotional abuse is humiliating. This may come as public embarrassment, or private behaviors that degrade you and make you feel less than human.
Ridiculing
Name-calling, mean “jokes,” and sarcasm can all be forms of abusive ridicule.
Dismissing
When your thoughts, values, or opinions are dismissed, it can make you feel unimportant.
Over time, you may question if your input has any value.
Accusing
Unfair accusations can manipulate you into people-pleasing behaviors. If someone is constantly accusing you of infidelity, for example, you may go to extra lengths to be attentive toward them. You might also stop leaving the house out of fear they might confront you about where you are.
Neglecting
When your physical or emotional needs aren’t met, this can be a form of neglect. Emotional neglect might mean deliberately withholding affection, or punishing you with the silent treatment.
Monitoring
Monitoring can destroy your sense of privacy. Reading your messages, scanning your social media, and showing up at events you’re attending are all forms of monitoring.
Verbally berating
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to be subtle. Sometimes it comes as verbal attacks, mood swings, or fits of yelling.
10 signs of emotional abuse in yourself
When emotionally abusive behaviors in someone else are difficult to spot, you may be able to identify the abuse by exploring yourself.
Personal signs you may be experiencing emotional abuse can include:
- Social withdrawal. You feel isolated or withdrawn from others.
- Low self-esteem. You become self-critical or feel worthless.
- Fear. You walk on eggshells or avoid saying or doing things that could cause a reaction.
- Adapting to other people’s expectations. You change your appearance or interests despite your preferences.
- Losing your identity. You give up activities you enjoy.
- Dependence or codependence. You lose your sense of independence.
- Voice and power. You don’t contribute to decisions or participate in projects that affect both of you.
- Shame. You feel guilty or anxious about who you are.
- Physical changes. You notice changes in your sleeping, eating, or weight patterns.
- Psychological symptoms.
You experience mental health conditions such as depression.
The effects of emotional abuse can be broad and often depend on your unique circumstances.
Emotional abuse from a parent, for example, may create different challenges compared with those that result from partner abuse.
The effects of emotional abuse on you may also vary depending on your emotional resources and support network.
If you feel you may be experiencing abuse in your relationship, support is available. There are many ways to deal with the situation.
No matter what type of emotional abuse you’ve experienced, speaking with a mental health professional may help.
You can explore coping strategies and learn how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries can protect your mental health and help you make the right decisions for yourself.
You may also find it helpful to reach out to someone who can understand what you’re going through. These resources are available right now:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Call 800-799-7233, text “start” at 88788, or chat here. - Crisis Text Line. Text 741741 or start a chat by typing “home” via this link.
Abuse refers to any behavior that has the intention to control, overpower, or hurt you. It can come from romantic partners, family members, friends, co-workers, or strangers.
Emotional abuse may be more subtle, but it can gradually affect your self-esteem and sense of personal power. It’s never your fault, though over time, experiencing emotional abuse may make you think you’re to blame.
The signs of emotional abuse can be difficult to spot. You may not be able to recognize some of the abusive behaviors in someone else, but you could identify some changes in yourself.
Feeling withdrawn, worthless, or fearful are just some personal indications you may be experiencing emotional abuse.
Exiting an abusive situation is possible and healing can be achieved. You’re not alone, and you deserve to start your path toward respect and care.
If the partner does not beat, but deprives the will. 7 Ways to Recognize Psychological Abuse
Moral abuse is an even more subtle topic than physical abuse. The partner does not drink, does not raise his hand to you, but deprives you of the will psychologically.
With the recognition of physical violence, modern people are more or less clear. Thanks to the educational work of psychologists, it is no longer a secret that violence is not necessarily sexual coercion or beatings. Keep a person at home when he wants to leave or, on the contrary, not let him in when he wants to go home; taking away keys, phone, documents or money to make it difficult for him to move around is also physical abuse. Yelling or hitting a wall/table to break your will during an outbreak of conflict is physical abuse, even if no one has even touched you (yet).
An abusive partner intuitively argues very simply: rough physical actions in your presence, in front of your eyes, frighten you and paralyze your will. nine0005
Finished reading here
But what about moral violence? There is no noise, no destruction. No punches, no slaps. No broken things, no other people's letters read without permission. How to recognize him? Let's look at the types of psychological abuse.
Let's start with the harmless. Hearing that you don't want to visit his parents again this weekend, your partner silently draws a face. The look was covered with frost, lips in a thread. He says OK. But his voice! It's like he just wrote you a ticket. Clearly, guests cannot be canceled (you guessed it). nine0005
2. Partial disregard.
Filter questions according to your goals. If you cut a pancake cake, then it is striped on the cut. It also looks like "on the cut" communication with a moral abuser. Some answers are successful, others are not.
- How about Friday? I missed.
— Yes, dear!
— And who is Masha Hibiscus, does she flirt with you on Facebook?
He does not answer.
— Honey, what do you want for dinner?
– Please bake my favorite sea bass with lemon and rosemary. nine0005
— Hey, why do you talk on the phone from the bathroom in the evenings with the shower on? Do you have someone?
He does not answer.
You can, of course, go for broke, wait for the meeting and ask: why do you skip uncomfortable questions? In such cases, moral rapists have other tricks.
3. Stare without comment. This is when he is the Kaa Boa, and you ... you yourself understand who.
- Dear, we could reschedule the trip out of town, I absolutely need to get to this conference for work. nine0005
In response, he looks at you without looking away.
- Did I ask something wrong?
Without blinking, he continues to pierce the bridge of your nose with his eyes.
You got scared and your question disappeared somewhere.
Then, when you ask: “Are you not happy that I refused that conference, because you were so against it ...”, he will say with a yawn: “I was against it? Stop blaming me for your own mistakes." And he will be right. He didn't say he was against it. He just looked between your eyes. By the way, try to squeal that he somehow looked wrong. He will say: “Did I watch? I stood with my back to you and mixed Cointreau with a martini. Perhaps you drank too much that evening? And it's already called... nine0005
4. Gaslighting. Detective film "Gas Light" in 1948 about how a young wife became a hostage to her husband's criminal goals. He made her look crazy in the eyes of her relatives, and most importantly, made her doubt her own sanity. Gaslighting refers to the intentional "madness" of another person. The gaslighter deliberately asserts and even "proves" that the victim's psyche is flawed and cannot be relied upon.
And the victim believes. Your friend does small things (like lying a little all the time) or even some big things (spending the general money on his personal climbing equipment, blackmailing you into having an abortion, or sleeping with your girlfriend). And then he says one of the phrases: “What is wrong with you?”, “Are you in a bad mood?”, “It’s not true, we agreed”, “You yourself wanted this”, “Oh, are you starting again?”, “I don’t meant it”, “You misunderstood me”, “It never happened”. In romantic relationships, gaslighters use the universal property of falling in love - regression. Are you in love and feel like a little child? So nice to submit to a wise and charismatic friend? Let him do as he sees fit, to dissolve in it - a pleasure? If your man is strong and mature, he will thank you for your trust and will only love you more. If you are dealing with a moral abuser, waking up from love, you will find yourself in a relationship where you decide nothing and where everything is against you if you do not agree with it.
And to the question "why is everything so?" He will say: "You yourself wanted this." And he will be right. nine0005
5. Blackmail, shame or guilt and seduction. Your friend reports that because of a missed visit to the family nest, mom has a bad heart, dad tore his meniscus while running to the pharmacy, and he is now so upset that he doubts the prospects of your relationship. (as usual, he looks down the bridge of your nose). In this example, the whole “package” is visible: the manipulation of guilt, an attempt to shame / scare you, blackmail by breaking up a relationship. If you come to your senses and immediately promise everything that you refused yesterday, he will immediately become nice and make amends with affection, sex or a walk in your favorite park. nine0005
6. Ignoring, disappearing for the purpose of punishment. The once-famous pediatrician Benjamin Spock did not recommend going in at night to a crying baby so that he would "understand" that good babies sleep at night, and do not cry.
At the same time, another doctor, John Bowlby, with numbers in his hands, proved that the baby, again and again experiencing the inability to call on his mother, plunges into "anaclitic depression", from which he can even die despite complete care. We also experience a weak solution of infantile horror-despair when a dear person disappears “from the radar” without any comments. Moral abusers intuitively use this tool to intimidate their partners: “Nice girls don’t ask their lover uncomfortable questions about flirting and phone calls from the bathroom. Twitch, sort out our quarrel on the personnel. Find the mistake, guess where you were wrong. And the day after tomorrow, perhaps, I will forgive you.” nine0005
7. In fact, he is the victim. Remember that Sunday when you didn't want to go to visit, and he heavily hinted that he would leave you? If one day you risk outplaying him and immediately react with blackmail for blackmail, you will be amazed at the enchanting metamorphosis.
Say: “Darling, I get so upset when they put pressure on me that I don’t even know what the prospects for our relationship are ...” - here you need to look at him for a long time between the eyebrows. I know a story when yesterday's moral rapist cried for two weeks without a break and littered all the messengers of his girlfriend with pleas to forgive him. It turned out he was unaware of her discomfort. When blackmail stops working, and seduction is inappropriate, he presses on pity. You soften and everything starts again. nine0005
The core of any violence is the object manipulation of another person. Even wrapped in politeness, seduction or cunning, violence betrays itself according to the main feature - in a relationship you are an object, not a subject, not a person, not a person with his own feelings and will. And they treat you like an object: they manipulate you functionally, sorting through different techniques, looking for master keys.
If you are malleable, use soft tricks. If soft ones are not effective, use pressure.
Very often a partner prone to psychological violence alternates aggression with seduction. As soon as you stop bending, he becomes charming and in a deep velvety voice asks you for reconciliation. And gives a ticket for a musical or a tour to Bali. You relax, and after a couple of days he again scolds you, drills his eyes and punishes you with silence. Against moral rapists there is only one remedy, but it is enough. You need to know exactly what you want (or do not want) and be able to say it out loud. I will talk about this in the next article. nine0005
There are no bruises, but the soul is crippled: answers to important questions about psychological abuse
Does emotional abuse necessarily lead to physical abuse? Why do victims of psychological abuse not always understand what they are facing? Why do those who find themselves in a particularly difficult situation refuse help? Is it possible to “cure” relationships that involve non-physical abuse? We deal with the psychologist
Not so long ago, Netflix released the series Maid (aka "The Cleaner: The Story of a Single Mother" in Russian translation), dedicated to the problem of emotional and psychological violence in the family.
According to the plot of the series, Alex (Margaret Qualley) leaves her husband, who cannot control his outbursts of anger. Alex is especially frightened by his behavior while intoxicated. The heroine finds the strength to break off these relations, but does not immediately seek help - it is difficult for her to admit and accept that she faced violence, because the aggressor did not beat her. nine0080 Co-founder and supervisor of the NeTerpi psychological assistance center, former psychologist of the Nasiliyu.net center (recognized as a foreign agent in Russia) Tatyana Orlova explains why it is difficult for a person who has found himself in a situation of emotional abuse to realize what is happening, whether the only reason for aggression is alcohol and where to turn to the victims.
Finished reading here
Related material
A person may not always realize that he is in a situation of psychological violence
Why is this happening? There may be several reasons for this.
A person who has experienced violence may have lived in similar relationships as a child - for example, he was severely punished or ignored. He takes it as the norm. Or violence arises very gradually, is added in small portions. Then our consciousness manages to adapt to it, create protective mechanisms (for example, pity for the offender) - and also ceases to notice it. There is a third reason: immediately a very cruel attitude that causes serious injury. And the trauma is experienced by our consciousness due to repression: we seem to forget the episodes that traumatize us and therefore we cannot draw proper conclusions from them. nine0005
Psychological abuse is difficult to notice at an early stage
Therefore, if the relationship develops too rapidly, if the partner constantly requires you to make some kind of sacrifice, if he is very jealous, scolds and blames former partners and friends, or talks about cases of cruelty and revenge against them, it is worth behaving carefully and giving yourself time.
If you do not approach too quickly, it will gradually become clear who is in front of you and whether you can build a dialogue with such a person, find something in common and build respectful contact. nine0005
Emotional abuse is no less and often more damaging to the individual than physical abuse
Psychological abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, but it is no less destructive to the individual
Relationships in which psychological abuse is present are much more common than relationships in which there is physical violence, and the first does not always lead to the second. But emotional abuse is no less, and often more damaging to the individual, than physical abuse. It implies humiliation, devaluation, comparisons, blackmail and threats, pressure and control.
When you live in such a relationship, you are forced to agree with what the one who uses emotional abuse inspires you, and gradually you begin to think that, indeed, “it’s all my fault”, “I really have problems with self-esteem, motivation , time management”, “I don’t dance well and I’m not smart enough”. Despite the fact that there are no bruises on the body, the human soul is wounded and crippled. nine0005
Survivors of psychological abuse tend to underestimate the seriousness of what is happening
This is not a property of victims as some special type of personality, but a property of any human psyche: our consciousness does not want to be in a state of helplessness. This is the most unpleasant state for consciousness, as there is a loss of control when it is impossible to manage your life. Therefore, consciousness hides such traumatic experiences from us whenever possible.
Therefore, to a person experiencing psychological abuse, it seems that nothing special has happened. nine0005
A person experiencing violence often cannot understand that it is time to seek help
It is usually those who are in a particularly difficult situation who tend to deny the need for help. It always seems to such a person that there is someone who needs more, and the situation is not too critical, maybe this time everything will work out. To really assess the danger, you need to understand whether there is a threat to life and health. If at least once there was physical violence, if scandals and threats are repeated and growing, if the offender uses drugs or alcohol, then the danger is very great. You should not wait for the next episode, you need to leave as soon as possible. Because you are around, the situation will not improve and the abuser will not improve, and you and your children will receive psychological trauma.
nine0005
Alcohol cannot be the only cause of aggression towards a partner Alcohol and drugs, of course, aggravate abuse - control over emotions is destroyed, and a person can no longer control his reactions. But even after quitting drinking, a person may not stop being an aggressor. It is certainly worth treating alcoholism, but this does not mean that it is worth continuing the relationship with the one who is being treated and forgetting about yourself for this. It is advisable to leave your needs in the first place. nine0005 If only the injured party wants changes and strives to “heal the relationship with his love”, then the matter is doomed to failure
Psychological abuse can be stopped, but both partners should want it only the victim, but also the one who uses violence.
Or if there are two aggressors in a pair, which is also very common. Then they should work in parallel with a psychologist dealing with the trauma of violence, and an EFT therapist (EFT - emotionally focused therapy. - Forbes Woman ), which will help restore trust in a couple and improve communication between partners.
But if only the injured party wants changes and seeks to “heal the relationship with his love”, then the matter is doomed to failure. Because the more love is invested and the more forgiveness and humility the injured partner demonstrates, the more the abuser can afford and the more he will think that his behavior has no negative consequences.
It will not be possible to change the offender
All efforts aimed at achieving this are in vain. You also need to realize that while you live in such a relationship, you not only receive damage yourself, but also do not allow the aggressor to change, because you serve as a resource that allows him to behave this way.
It is not necessary to diagnose yourself and another like “I am a victim” or “he is an abuser”: this does not always change the situation. What is needed is a workable escape plan, support from outside, and recognition of the impossibility of changing anything in this relationship. nine0005
The one who produces violence often feels like a victim
He sees a threat in a partner, for example, he is afraid that he will leave him or will humiliate him - and therefore he attacks first. At the same time, he thinks he is defending himself. This is a perceptual error. Probably, in the past - mostly in childhood - a person had enough episodes when he was really a victim, and now he projects this experience onto reality.
Related material
Psychological violence can occur not only in partnerships, but also in working relationships
Almost everyone, in some cases, uses elements of psychological violence and experiences it himself.
We know how to defend ourselves against it, and it does not become something categorically harmful and bad for us, if it does not turn out to be a constant factor in relationships.
For example, a boss might ask for overtime work, implying that non-hard-working employees do not work for this company. Here, a person may have a choice: to comply with the requirement or to defend the right to rest and subsequently, possibly, face a deterioration in attitude. If at least theoretically a person has the opportunity to change jobs, for him this choice is not so critical, he can say “no” in this situation. But if it is difficult with work or in a previous experience (for example, in childhood) a person did not have the opportunity to refuse, since this was followed by punishment, the person loses this choice. He is forced to agree, and if such manipulations continue, he may become a victim of violence. nine0005
This state can be noticed by the feeling of hopelessness, anxiety and fear arising in contact with a person or people who violate the boundaries; by feelings of shame and guilt; internal monologues in their defense.
Such relationships destroy self-esteem and eventually lead to burnout.
Recognizing a victim of psychological abuse can be difficult, but if you find out about such a person, tell him about the organizations that help. Often they devalue the danger and harm that such a relationship causes them. Therefore, even if we see that a person does not resist when he is treated badly, we should not think that he likes it or is fine with it. nine0005
Professional help is needed to deal with this. Therefore, it is important not to blame the victim and not to insist on immediate changes. But it’s definitely worth telling the person that there are free services where you can talk about your situation and better understand it. For example, the oldest center "Anna" (recognized as a "foreign agent") has an excellent help map on the site.
Victims of psychological and financial violence are entitled to help from organizations dealing with the problem of domestic violence, but obtaining asylum in Russia is not always easy
Recently, many public organizations have appeared in Russia that provide assistance to victims of psychological and other types of non-physical violence.
