How to solve misunderstanding between lovers

9 Tips For Better Communication

So what do you do to prevent or solve misunderstandings from getting in the way of your relationship? Here are some tips:

Practice active listening

“Most of us listen to defend our viewpoint, but we should really be listening to understand,” explains Odona Ezell-Whiddon, a licensed professional counselor. “When we listen to defend, we often interrupt one another and things escalate. Listening to understand allows a little more space to think about your partner’s viewpoint.”

That’s why active listening can help because it is setting aside your own agenda, thoughts, interpretation, judgments, emotions, and your need to be right. Instead, you focus on trying to understand their perspective and feelings.

“You may still disagree, but your approach to talking about how you disagree becomes more clear and your partner feels more respected,” Ezell-Whiddon adds.

Do a “perception check”

“What we hear our partner saying is often wildly different from what they are actually saying,” explains Marin Rieger, marriage and family therapist and founder of Elm Therapy and Wellness. Instead, “we are hearing something based on our fears, not on our reality.”

For example, if your partner has a fear of abandonment based on their childhood experiences, when you say, “I need some time to be with my friends or on my own,” they might hear that you don’t enjoy being with them — even if that’s not what you meant.

“Because of past wounds, the receiver can ascribe the most negative meanings to the partner’s behaviors,” explains Nancy Landrum, MA, author, and relationship coach. “Then, usually, before checking it out with the partner, the receiver begins a narrative, a story, based on their interpretation.”

“This fiction usually creates a scenario that makes the partner into the villain and the receiver into the victim, sending the argument into the stratosphere of ‘I know what you meant’ and ‘No, I didn’t mean that’ — a dialogue that no one can win.”

So, rather than let that happen, check in with your partner and ask them what happened or why they said something. Sometimes paraphrasing what you hear to them allows them to clarify if you’re misunderstanding.

Believe your partner’s explanation

After you ask your partner why they said or did something, listen and, Landrum says,”believe your partner’s words when they tell you the true meaning behind whatever they said or did. Then drop it.”

Admittedly, this can be difficult, Landrum concedes. You may be tempted to not believe their explanation. But when you don’t believe them, she explains, “you are saying that you know more about the internal workings of their thoughts, feelings, and motivations than they do, and that is impossible.”

You have to make the assumption, she says, “that in a loving relationship, both partners want to hear and tell the truth as the basis for their healthy relationship.”

Avoid assumptions

It’s easy for us to make assumptions about how our partner will or won’t react to something, based on past experiences. For example, you could decide to not talk to your partner about something because you “already know” how they will respond or react.

When doing this, you don’t give your partner the opportunity to surprise you and surpass your expectations. They main respond with more understanding than you are expecting.

“This can build resentment based on something that has not even happened,” says Danielle McGraw, a clinical psychologist in Phoenix, Arizona.

Just like doing a perception check, simply talking with your partner in a kind and compassionate way or asking them questions can help you avoid misunderstandings.

Try not to attack

It’s easy, when we’re frustrated or angry, to launch into an attack on our partner, but this can only deepen misunderstandings because it forces your partner into a defensive position where they do not want to hear you out or validate your feelings.

So rather than come at your partner with “you statements” (think “you’re always late”), try using an “I” statement to express your feelings.

For example, if your partner is late, you could say “I feel unappreciated when you are not home on time.

It’s also helpful to avoid using words like “always” and “never,” such as “you never clean up” or “you always blow me off.” When you speak in broad strokes about your partner’s behavior, you give them little room to show improvement and derail the conversation away from compromise or progress.

State your needs

Using the other tips mentioned above (like “I” statements), try to state your needs in a relationship by first describing how you feel before saying what you need.

For example, says Rachel Brandwene, licensed therapist and relationship coach, you could say “I feel nervous and I worry when I don’t know what time you’ll be home.”

Then, Brandwene recommends, “follow this statement by clearly asserting what it is that you need or want.”

For example, you could ask that they send you a text to let you know when they are running late or on their way home.

“Make sure to be kind and compassionate while stating this,” she says. “Appear confident and remain mindful of the other person’s response. This will allow both of you to have a productive conversation with open honesty and transparency.”

Allow room for compromise

At the end of the day, no one is perfect and no one wants to change themselves completely to meet the needs and desires of their partner.

So it’s important in a relationship to be willing to negotiate, looking for a place that is comfortable for both of you.

Stay on topic

It’s easy when you’re frustrated to let a conversation or argument get off topic — especially when you’re feeling defensive or guilty about something you did. This can be a way to deflect or minimize your responsibility and protect yourself.

“I can understand why a conversation about chores turns into a conversation about something your mother-in-law said 10 years ago,” says Rieger, “Sometimes it all feels related. However, it’s not helpful and will likely prevent you from solving other problems.”

Take space

This will help you stay on topic and keep the conversation productive.

“Having a conversation when you are emotionally charged will almost always end poorly,” says Brandwene, so “before beginning a productive conversation following a miscommunication or a conflict, make sure that you have taken some space to process.”

“I recommend taking at the very least 20 minutes of space to reflect on how you are feeling and what you want to discuss when returning back to each other,” she continues.

“In those 20 minutes, try not to engage in blame or negativity towards that person but rather do something that nourishes you such as getting out into nature for a walk or connecting to your breath.”

“It’s incredibly common to have misunderstandings in arguments,” says McGraw. In fact, she says, it’s one of the most common reasons why people seek her help as a relationship therapist.

It can be difficult for us to break old patterns or bad communication habits with our partners on our own. So if you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship stemming from misunderstandings, remember you’re not alone.

This is why therapy — including couples therapy if your partner is open to it — can help. Your therapist can help work with you to develop different tools and skills so that you can let go of past resentments and work together toward a healthier relationship.

Brandwene R. (2022). Personal interview.

Ezell-Whiddon O. (2022). Personal interview

Landrum N. (2022). Personal interview.

McGraw D. (2022). Personal interview.

Rieger M. (2022). Personal interview.

10 Common Causes of Misunderstanding in Relationships

In This Article

The process of navigating a relationship requires patience, love, and understanding. There are moments when issues will arise, which takes these three factors to solve and get both parties on track. One of the factors that can keep a relationship in disarray is a misunderstanding.

Usually, misunderstanding is portrayed by having little or no clarity about something. 

Misunderstanding is the result of an assumption with no proof. And it would continue to cause 

conflict in a relationship until things become more transparent. In this piece, we will be looking at how to deal with misunderstandings in relationships and identify the common causes.

What causes misunderstanding

Misunderstanding in a relationship occurs when one or both parties refuses to understand correctly. Therefore, misconception and misapprehension occur when there is no moral clarity because a false impression is created. Different things can cause misunderstanding, but the root cause is usually not getting a clear picture of the situation.

To know why others misunderstand you, it is important to know the origin. Ken Voges’ book titled Understanding How Others Misunderstand you comes with a unique plan for strengthening relationships. 

What can you do when a misunderstanding happens in a relationship?

When misunderstanding happens, one of the first things to do is to try and understand the situation. You might need to take some steps backward to understand better what is going on. It will be easy to take the right steps when you understand the situation.

Many spouses experience unresolvable conflicts because they are not patient enough to figure out the root cause of the misunderstanding.

If the misunderstanding gets out of hand, you can seek help from a professional or trusted and experienced friends.

Related Reading: How to Improve Understanding in a Relationship

Is it a normal thing for misunderstandings to occur in a relationship

It is pretty standard for misunderstandings to happen in a relationship because you and your partner might have different viewpoints on some things. However, what matters is how you settle the misunderstanding.

If the right approach is used, misunderstandings can be a way to learn more about your partner and love them as you should. Also, knowing why misunderstandings are happening can help you develop deliberate methods to value your relationship more.

10 reasons why misunderstanding happens in relationships

Misunderstanding in a relationship means having a false impression about any issue related to your partner. Until you get cleared on the issue from your partner, you will continue to have unfounded decisions and thoughts.

Here are some common causes of misunderstanding among couples

1. Poor listening skills

One of the reasons why misunderstanding in a relationship occurs is because both parties might not exhibit good listening skills when their partner is conversing with them. Usually, when two people are discussing, one of the individuals might not go beyond the hearing phase. 

Therefore, they might forget some key points in the discussion. If this happens regularly, there would be a misunderstanding in the relationship.

2. Disrespecting your partner’s feelings

Some spouses are used to invalidating their partner’s feelings which should not be. In a relationship, you need to respect your partner’s emotions and feelings and try your best to provide a solution.

If you can take a moment to figure out why your partner is behaving in a certain way, you will have a clear head on how to approach the situation. 

Also, when your partner complains about something to you, don’t wave it off like it’s nothing. Ensure you understand what they are talking about, and see eye-to-eye with them.

3. Seeing your partner as a competitor

In some relationships, spouses view each other as competitors instead of partners. This is one of the reasons why common misunderstandings in relationships occur. You need to always remember that you and your partner should move the relationship to greater heights. 

This can be achieved when your minds are in sync. If you are always competing with your partner instead of complementing them, you might experience misunderstandings in the relationship.

Related Reading: 20 Signs You Are in a Competitive Relationship

4. Comparing your partner to another person

Another mistake that causes misunderstanding in a relationship is when partners compare each other to a third party. It is a sign of disrespect that can cause conflict in a union. Frequently, it is perceived as compelling someone to drop their identity for another person. 

Rather than comparing your partner to another person, try to appreciate them for their uniqueness. Eventually, you will discover that their unique attributes make them outstanding and probably better than those you compare them to.

5. Compatibility problems

If you and your partner do not align on several fronts, misunderstandings in a relationship can happen quite regularly. Compatibility is one reason partners find it hard to see each other’s standpoint because they are fixated on theirs. 

To be compatible with your partner, your value system, mindset, and other factors must be similar to theirs.

6. Assumptions

Many partners fall into the assumption zone unknowingly, which is why a relationship occurs. You need to know that until your partner confirms something to you, you might not know how they are feeling or what is going on.

However, some spouses are not patient enough to discover what is happening with their partner. Instead, they assume based on their instincts which gets the other party fired up. 

Assumptions can wreck a relationship if it is a habit, and it should be avoided by all means. To avoid assuming, you can make excuses for your partner till you find out the true story.

7. Choice of friends and acquaintances

Sometimes, misunderstanding in a relationship happens when there is a disagreement on the choice of friends and acquaintances to keep. Not all spouses are comfortable with the type of friendship that their other half keep, and it can cause conflict between the two of them.

One of the reasons could be insecurity because they can lose their partner to another person. Another reason might be the fear of their partner being influenced by friends and acquaintances whose characters cannot be vouched for.

Related Reading: 8 Signs Indicating Insecurity in Relationships

8. Finances

Another reason a partner might feel misunderstood in a relationship might be financed. If one partner is earning higher than the other, their actions might be misinterpreted lots of times because of their financial status. 

Also, when it comes to footing the bills amongst other expenses, it could be a cause of conflict because finances is a sensitive issue.

Related Reading: How to Handle Finances Together and Improve Relationship

9. Always claiming to be right

When it comes to the causes of misunderstanding in communication, one of the things to look out for is when partners claim to be correct. Before you take your stance on anything, you need to consider where your partner is coming from.

Even when you claim to be correct, putting your partner down can get them angered and result in conflict. Partners who know they are suitable to communicate their reasons to the second party diplomatically without making them feel bad.

10. No quality time with your partner

Not spending quality time with your partner or giving them good attention can be another reason why misunderstanding in a relationship happens. You need to know that your partner is one of the most critical aspects of your life that should be given high priority.

They can react unpleasantly when they feel taken for granted because of a lack of quality time. It is important to be skilled at balancing all facets of your life, including your relationship, so that none of them suffer.

The study conducted by Renee Edwards and other brilliant authors is exciting. It compares the misunderstanding between romantic partners and normal friends. This research study will see why misunderstanding between lovers is rated more serious than friendship. 

Here’s how you can make your relationship a happy place:

What is the effect of misunderstanding on relationships?

One of the major effects of misunderstanding in a relationship is it causes bad blood between the partners if it is not resolved. They might end up holding opinions about each other which may not be entirely correct. 

Misunderstanding in communication and relationship can also make the union sour and uninteresting, and more conflicts will arise in due time because there are unresolved ones.

How to solve misunderstandings in a relationship

Misunderstandings are inevitable in a relationship, but they can be solved by incorporating the right solutions. Here are some ways on how to solve misunderstanding between lovers.

1. Listen to your partner genuinely

It would help if you showed particular interest in anything your partner has to say so that you don’t miss the central theme of their message. This will help you communicate effectively with them and help out in any capacity. 

You can avoid conflicts in your relationship if you are a great listener, and it would help you resolve misunderstandings between you and your partner.

2. Don’t try to be on the right side every time

If you always try to prove a point every time, you can get quickly drained. To find a solution to miscommunication in relationships, don’t always try to establish who is wrong or right. If you have offended your partner or committed a mistake, don’t shy away from apologizing or giving excuses.

3. See your partner as an equal team player

Refrain from seeing your partner as a rival instead of an equal spouse. You don’t need to compete over who brings home the most money, the kid’s favorite, and a host of other issues. 

You and your partner need to adopt the team player mentality to resolve issues in your relationship quickly.

4. Be conscious about improving your relationship

Remember that your relationship can get better if you deliberate about your actions. The relationship does not have to start declining before you seek a solution to revive it. 

Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your relationship. You can take cues from successful relationships and implement them in your union.

5. Work on your shortcomings

If your partner regularly complains about unpleasant behaviors, you need to work on them. You can also ask your partner for ways on how to get better. When you acknowledge your shortcomings and promise to work on them, you indirectly motivate your partner to follow suit.

6. Have fun with your partner more often

Another way on how to avoid misunderstandings is to ensure you have fun with them often. Misunderstandings will often happen if you are too focused on other aspects of your life without paying good attention to your partner. 

Therefore, make it a conscious habit to have beautiful moments with your partner.

7. Stop assuming

Many partners mistake assuming different things when their partner has not confirmed them. This is why conflicts occur because they act on what they’re not sure of. If you are not certain about anything, you need to confirm with your partner before holding on to unproven beliefs.

8. Learn to apologize

When you offend your partner, you don’t have to keep claiming that you’re right. If your partner feels offended, it is best to apologize and assure them that you won’t repeat it. You should also let your partner know that you have their best interests at heart.

Related Reading: The 5 Languages of Apology & Ways to Figure Out Yours

9. See a relationship counselor

The role of a relationship counselor is often underrated because some people are not comfortable with the idea of opening up to someone. 

Hence, when you discover that misunderstanding in a relationship is frequently happening, you need to see a relationship counselor. The counselor helps you understand the root cause of the misunderstanding to resolve it.

The great part is that the conflicts and misunderstandings can always be resolved couples are willing to put in conscious efforts. In this book by Aaron T. Beck titled Love is Never Enough, couples can learn how to handle misunderstandings and solve relationship problems. 


With the information and advice in this piece, you know what causes misunderstanding in a relationship and its solution. The next time misunderstanding happens in your relationship, you need to see beyond the present. Ensure you gain clarity on the particular issue, and put deliberate efforts into making the relationship better and worth fighting for. 

Love lover. What to do if you are stuck in a dependent relationship

It happens that a married woman is disappointed in marriage and finds solace in the arms of another man. Over time, relationships without obligations develop into deep affection, and the lady faces a difficult question: “I love my lover, what should I do?”. There are many ways of developing events in such a situation. It is not known which of them a woman will prefer, but in any case, she will have to face doubts, anxieties and fears. How to make the right choice and not lose yourself will be discussed in our article. nine0004

From this article you will learn:

  • Why women start cheating
  • How to seduce a man
  • Is it possible to maintain a relationship with both her husband and her lover
  • Why there is no future in a relationship with a lover
  • How to survive a breakup with a lover
  • How to control yourself and not fall in love with your lover

What pushes a woman to have a lover

There is an opinion that men change under the influence of instincts, and a woman - because of serious emotional and psychological problems. Therefore, if the wife has a lover, then the family really is not all right. Perhaps the husband has been busy with his career for many years and does not pay attention to his wife. Or he is preoccupied only with himself, and does not help a woman with solving everyday problems, and she gets herself a lover to distract herself from routine and dissatisfaction with life. nine0006

Sometimes the reason for infidelity lies in the fact that the lady is not satisfied with sex with her husband. She tried many times to discuss her problem with her husband, but each time she ran into a wall of misunderstanding and indifference. After all, it can be difficult for a man to admit even to himself that he is not fire in bed. And listening to criticism from his wife is all the more unpleasant, because this is such a blow to pride. So the couple finds themselves at a dead end because of their unwillingness to listen to each other and compromise.

Cheating can be for profit, such as when a woman sleeps with her boss to get her husband a good job. But in this case, the emergence of sincere feelings between lovers is most likely impossible, because both realize that they are participating in a mutually beneficial process, nothing more. nine0006

Infidelity can act as a weapon of revenge. For example, a woman knows that her husband periodically communicates with other ladies. She was tired of being jealous, exhausted from the fear of being abandoned, and out of desperation decided to have a lover in order to take revenge on her husband.

Other reasons why women cheat:

There can be many reasons why women in marriage cheat on their husbands. Different circumstances push the ladies to take such a step, but the result is the same: there is a lover and you need to understand what to do next with this fact. First of all, try to be honest with yourself. Answer the questions, what pushed you into the arms of another man, and why do you need it. Are you ready to lose your family because of your act? Is your lover really giving you something vital? nine0006

As a rule, it is not difficult for a woman to find out the reason for infidelity. Most likely, she was known even before committing treason. So treat the romance on the side as a way to heal emotional wounds and solve personal problems.

But let's imagine that the worst has already happened, and you fell in love with your new boyfriend, but he does not reciprocate. You do not give up and try your best to arouse sincere and deep feelings in him. The following suggestions may help you with this. nine0006


How to make a lover fall in love with you

Watch your appearance

Men like it when a woman looks good. Therefore, no matter how deep your inner world is, try to ensure that the appearance does not lag behind it. Take care of yourself, love yourself, because only in this case the man will understand that you are worthy of his affection.

One should not concentrate on any one part of the external appearance, for example, on clothes, and neglect the rest. You need to take care of yourself comprehensively. nine0006

The body must be taut. If you don't want to go to the gym, work out at home. Buy a simulator, download video tutorials. It is not necessary to torment yourself with diets in an effort to be thin, but taking care of muscle tone is simply necessary.

Assess the condition of your hair. They should be shiny, with a beautiful haircut and, if necessary, dyed in a timely manner.

Don't forget to take care of your nails and body skin. In winter, due to temperature changes, frost and heating, the skin dries very much and needs strong hydration. nine0006

If nature has not endowed you with a bright appearance, do not neglect makeup. With its help, you can favorably emphasize the natural beauty.

A man loves to conquer, so if you become a worthy trophy, he will not be able to resist you.

Be nice and smile

A positive attitude, peace-loving character and a sincere smile can enchant any gentleman. Indeed, in the company of a cheerful and benevolent person, you can relax, not be afraid of an offensive word addressed to you, in general, it is easy to be yourself. nine0006

If a man is trying to impress you, play along. Smile more, laugh at his jokes, compliment him, praise him when he talks about his achievements.

Show interest

Everyone loves to be the center of attention and feel genuine interest in their person. Support this desire in your beloved. Be aware of his affairs, empathize, but in no case advise anything unless you are asked about it, and do not impose your point of view. nine0006

Gently touch him

Light, pleasant touches will tell about your feelings and awaken desire in a man. Do not be afraid to take his hand or hug him when you meet. Tactile contacts are better than words to help people get closer.

Be inaccessible

Easy victories are not appreciated and not remembered, so keep your distance, be self-sufficient, no need to hang yourself on a man's neck. Do not text every hour, do not make sacrifices for a fleeting meeting, do not beg to stay with you for another hour. Respect your dignity, then the man will treat you the same way. nine0006

Agree only with what suits you

If any moments in communication violate your comfort zone, immediately refuse them, do not endure. Be open about your desires, don't be afraid to sound stupid or funny. You are an adult who has the right to have his opinion taken into account.

Do not confess your love before him

Even if you want to shout about your feelings, endure, otherwise you can ruin everything. Upon learning of your affection, a man may lose interest, realizing that the goal has been achieved, the prey has fallen into a trap, or he will relax, confident that he is keeping you on a short leash. The longer the partner doubts your feelings, the longer the candy-bouquet period will be. nine0006

Husband loves, lover loves: what to do and how to combine relationships

There are situations when a woman loves her lover and her husband at the same time and does not know what to do. And it happens the other way around: both men love a lady at once, but she is confused and is not ready to make a choice at the moment. If a woman decides to be in a relationship with both her husband and her lover at the same time, the following ideas will help her:

  • Lover should be perceived as a way to relieve stress and sexual frustration. nine0002 Do not drive yourself into a dead end with affection for both men at once. This can lead to personality disorder and deep depression. Leave love to your legal spouse, because you are connected by years of marriage, common children and many happy moments.
  • Do not compare men. You have known your husband for a long time. During this time, in your perception, the merits could fade, and the shortcomings become aggravated. The lover is perceived in a rosy light. He is still a new person for you, only his attractive sides are striking. Due to the fact that you are under the control of emotions and cannot be objective, do not compare men. nine0009
  • Choose a lover who will play by your rules. First, understand why you need a lover. If you want to leave your husband, then immediately look for a single man who can love you and offer you a hand and heart. If your goal is sex or money, then select the appropriate partner who will give you what you need, but do not want a serious relationship.
  • Don't convince yourself that your lover is better than your husband. At first glance, all people seem good, but it takes years to really get to know a person. Therefore, do not neglect your husband, who has never let you down and has always been there in difficult situations, do not idealize your lover. nine0009
  • Choose a lover who will keep his mouth shut. The safest option is if the lover is married, then both of you will be in the same position.

“I love a lover who is married…”

It all started as a harmless affair. He is married, you are married. You were satisfied with secret short meetings with rough sex when adrenaline rolls over and it seems that you are 20 years old again.

When you come home, you gradually come to your senses, return to the circle of everyday worries, begin to forget your love affair and even feel a little ashamed of it, until passion again takes over. nine0006

Psychologists say that a woman inevitably falls in love with the man she sleeps with. Such is the nature of the female psyche, which is impossible to resist. Therefore, one day you suddenly realize that you are just going crazy from a storm of emotions and constantly repeating: I love a married lover, what should I do!?

Thoughts appear in the head, one more naive than the other:

  • We would have amazing sex every day! Not like now with her husband: rarely, quickly and there is nothing to remember. nine0009
  • We would bathe in romance! No routine and gray days!
  • We are two halves who finally found each other! Our first marriages are a fatal mistake.

A woman will rush to share her thoughts with her partner and will most likely meet with misunderstanding. Men are more rational and not inclined to be led by emotions. The lover is likely to be scared off by the partner's confessions.

While two people are connected by a secret relationship, adrenaline boils in the blood, thrills dilute the insipid everyday life. As soon as the game of hide and seek is over, and the couple decides to get together, all extreme will disappear, violent passion will give way to the same routine. A man understands all this perfectly, while a woman can be captive of her fantasies and think that romance and passionate love will never stop. nine0006

Life will quickly dispel illusions and put everything in its place. He will begin to annoy her child, and she will be nervous and scandalous because he visits his children too often. Over time, a longing for a past life will appear, in which everything was so harmoniously debugged, calm and reliable, albeit monotonous.

The saddest thing will happen when lovers realize that they have made the biggest mistake. The bitterness of the deed and the inability to turn everything back will poison the new family life. nine0006

How to fall out of love with a lover and break up with him

A breakup is always hard. To deal with emotions, use the following tips:

  • Invent a new dream for yourself

Do not attach too much importance to the beloved on the side. Do not make him the personification of all your dreams and desires. Set yourself an ambitious new goal. It may have nothing to do with relationships with the opposite sex.

  • Forget about pleasant moments

To erase a lover from memory, first you need to remove all reminders of him from real life. Delete the correspondence, erase his number and joint photos on the phone. Focus on the negative aspects of your communication. For example, remember that your partner often deceived you, and you hate lies.

  • Get rid of gifts

Say goodbye to gifts and souvenirs that remind you of your loved one. Constantly confronted with them, you will only be upset in vain and remember the time spent together. nine0006

  • Rearrange

If you met on your territory, then rearrange or even repair the apartment. Buy new pieces of furniture or home accessories. So you will occupy your head with new ideas, and housing will no longer remind you of dates with your lover.

  • Get out of the house

Do not fence yourself off from the outside world, savoring your longing. Lead an active life, go to exhibitions, to the cinema, ride the carousels with your children in the park. Life is beautiful, so don't waste it on being sad about a person who wouldn't make you happy anyway. nine0006

  • Start a new hobby

Since you have decided to say goodbye to the past and start all over again, find yourself an original hobby that you have never encountered before. Creativity clears the mind, distracts from bad thoughts, helps relieve stress and charges with positive.

Recommended articles on this topic:

  • Manipulation, worship and narcissism: how to live with a narcissist man?
  • Phrases for dating, after which a man will call you on a date
  • How often do men think about sex: details in numbers
  • Unleash your emotions

Don't keep feelings to yourself. Unlived emotions accumulate in the body and can lead to health problems. If you want to cry, cry. Beat the dishes, hit the punching bag until your hands hurt, run around the park until you feel completely exhausted and cleansed of negative feelings.

How to cope with depression after a breakup

Any relationship will eventually end. To put out the fire of love and not burn yourself out, you need to know how to cope in a difficult situation:

  • Taboo phone calls to an ex-lover

If you have made the decision to end the relationship with your lover, then follow it to the end. No need to call him every day, keep silent on the phone or pretend that you just want to chat about trifles, like with an old friend. Every time you pick up your phone and start dialing a number you've learned by heart, stop. Even if you are not afraid to look stupid, just show respect for yourself and your choice. Do not stir up the past, be firm in the intention to start everything from scratch. nine0006

  • Treat yourself

You are now going through a difficult period in your life, which can be complicated by not sharing your sadness with anyone in particular. In this difficult moment, try to support yourself on your own. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, buy beautiful things or your favorite food. Do not deny yourself a piece of cake or a box of chocolates, because you really need positive emotions now.

  • Get your feelings out on paper

When longing becomes unbearable, throw it out on paper. Write about what you feel and think. Do not try to express thoughts smoothly. Write what comes to mind spontaneously, without thinking or analyzing. This is one of the methods of knowing yourself and dealing with stress, used in psychotherapy. After some time, you can reread the records, but this is not necessary. You can even destroy them. The main thing is to throw out the accumulated negative emotions. It is advisable to arrange such sessions every day until you feel better. Make it a rule to write a page of text every morning, and in a few weeks you will feel much better. nine0006

  • Find yourself among fellow sufferers

Do you think you are the only one who suffers from the thought “I love my lover, what should I do”? No, there are many such women, there are even communities on social networks dedicated to this problem. If you have no one to trust in your inner circle, try chatting with people on forums or in groups. Firstly, you will find yourself in a circle of comrades in misfortune who will listen to you and sympathize. Secondly, you may find it funny that adults are constantly whining and crying into each other's vest, and you will reconsider your behavior. nine0006

  • Do not suppress your feelings

There is no need to pretend and forcefully smile when you really want to cry. So you will not alleviate your grief, but only aggravate it. After all, in order for longing to pass, it must be fully lived. This is the only way to get rid of painful emotions. Wake up every morning with faith in yourself and your strength. Notice everything good and good around you, this will be the anchor of your new life.

How not to fall in love with a lover

Falling in love with a sexual partner is very easy. Romance, passion and secret dates turn everyday life into an exciting film. Against this background, the lover appears as a fairy-tale hero who came to free the princess from the clutches of her monster husband. nine0006

However, do not give in to temptation and lose your head from falling in love. Think back to your relationship with your husband. Surely, between you there were passion, and romance, and nights of violent sex. Then you got married, got a mortgage, had a baby, got a promotion for your husband, and he started working hard. The monotonous life has replaced the ardent passion.
And this is no coincidence. Otherwise, the person simply would not have survived. After all, strong emotions burn a lot of energy, suppress all other feelings, blind themselves. You can not live long at the peak of passions. It can burn out like a match. Ordinary, monotonous everyday life protects our psyche from overload. nine0006

In addition, in real life, the lover, most likely, will turn out to be completely different from the person you imagined him to be. He can scatter dirty socks, leave dirty dishes on the table, not raise the toilet seat and do other things that annoy you terribly.

If you feel that you love your lover, and do not know what to do, try to find the strength in yourself and break off relations with him. To make it easier to do this, find negative traits in your partner and think about them. Perhaps, after analyzing the weaknesses of a lover, you really understand that he is not your other half, and falling in love will pass by itself. nine0006

Thank you for reading this article to the end

Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy halves, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.

What inspires me more than anything is the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life. nine0004

My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

Relationship crises: why they arise and how to work with them

The first phase of falling in love passes, and instead of hormones that used to help to ignore difficulties, the need to speak heart to heart and put up with each other's shortcomings comes to the fore. Science has proven that love does not necessarily end after three years, but people often perceive relationship crises as an excuse to leave them under the pretext that "passion has disappeared. " Others look for a way out in betrayal, which happens even in happy families. We figure out what moments in a relationship provoke crises and how to survive them. nine0006

  • First sex crisis

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What's going on. The sacralization of virginity is gradually becoming a thing of the past, and today physical intimacy often becomes the threshold for entering relationships. But even if you really like a man or woman, the first sex with a new partner can easily disappoint and become an occasion to think about whether to continue the affair.

How to get out of the crisis. nine0268 “It's hard to guess another person's sexual needs right off the bat, especially when you don't know them well enough,” says practicing psychotherapist Marina Filonenko. - Therefore, if you want certain actions from your partner, it is better to overcome embarrassment and tell him about your desires and expectations. If a man or girl did not like the smell, and tactile sensations cause severe discomfort, it is useless to persuade yourself: it is unlikely that something will stick together. Alas, nothing can be done about the obvious physical rejection. And you don't need to." nine0006

  • Acquaintance crisis with family and friends

What's going on. Of course, there are marriages in which people know each other from school and from childhood have one circle of friends for two. But more often, a partner still has to be introduced into your company and introduced to relatives who are far from always ready to unconditionally accept a new person. Often this is the reason for parting.

How to get out of the crisis. “Absolutely, you should not divide life into sectors and tell your partner: at home, you and I can be happy, but as soon as we find ourselves on the street, I go my own way, and you go yours. Such a "compromise" will sooner or later lead to sad consequences. Much depends on the maturity of the individual. Does a person understand why the family considers it possible to dictate their own rules to him: take this one into the house, but don’t take this one? Has he tried anything to improve the situation? The responsibility for solving the problem lies primarily with the one who introduces the partner or partner to the parents and their company. It must be firmly made clear: this is my other half and you can think about it whatever you want, but I expect you to accept it and take care of it. nine0006

  • Crisis in the beginning of a life together

What's going on. When two people decide to live together, this means that they need to rebuild their usual existence, if not completely, then at least partially. Many are not ready for this: they are waiting for the romance of joint awakenings, and it turns out that time has to be spent on finding out who sleeps on the right side of the bed and who sleeps on the left.

How to get out of the crisis. nine0268 “It is necessary to clearly agree on responsibilities. Distribute what part of the life each of the partners takes on. Learn each other's habits. Find out how you spend your free time from now on - always together or separately. And of course, you definitely need to discuss what your budget will be: joint, separate, or both of you are ready to give a certain amount "for the household", and spend the rest at your discretion. Talking about money, especially with a loved one, can be awkward, but if you immediately find a way to distribute funds that is comfortable for both, you can avoid a lot of omissions and conflicts. nine0006

  • Marriage crisis

What's going on. Official marriage is a new level of responsibility. Just living with a person, even for a very long time, we travel together, choose wallpaper for a common apartment, make plans, but do not necessarily feel that we are responsible for a partner and for relationships. A wedding changes things. After the stamp in the passport is put, we begin to inform society about ourselves in a different way: others perceive us differently, expect certain behavior from us, and the desire to meet these expectations also creates tension in the couple. nine0006

How to get out of the crisis. “The ritual of marriage implicitly actualizes all the questions that we ask ourselves at the stage of acquaintance with the future groom or bride. Is this my person, do I share his values, what future awaits us? It is worth trying again to honestly answer them to yourself in order to once again make sure that you are marrying someone with whom you are really ready to build a life together, and everything will be fine. Well, or find out that it’s better not to rush with the wedding. ” nine0006

© Image Source/getty images

  • Childlessness Crisis

What's going on. When a husband and wife agree that they want to delay the birth of a child or not to have children at all, this does not always mean that both of them actually adhere to such a position. For example, out of fear of losing a man, a woman may pretend to agree to his condition of being a childless couple, in the hope of persuading him to change his mind over time. nine0006

How to get out of the crisis. “In society, it is customary to regard children as a great value. But your partner has every right not to want to have them, and your desire to become a parent does not outweigh his unwillingness to take on this role. At the same time, the perception of parenthood is a very important component of the relationship, and if a couple cannot come to an agreement for a long time, at this stage it makes sense to contact a family therapist to understand why one is obsessed with the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhaving a child, while the other is opposed to it. Perhaps people simply have not yet been able to find the right words, and a specialist will help them with this. One thing is for sure: it is not necessary to persuade or, even worse, to force someone who is not ready for this yet to become a parent. Everything that is done through force does not lead to anything good. nine0006

  • Pregnancy crisis

What's going on. Suppose a couple decides to have a child and the woman becomes pregnant. During this period, she often becomes more vulnerable, may feel worse than usual, and is not always able to cope with the responsibilities that lay on her. The new, unusual state of the wife irritates the man and becomes a reason for quarrels.

How to get out of the crisis. “It is clear that a man should show more patience: in fact, he has a chance to practice before the appearance of a child who will need even more attention than a vulnerable, but still independent, adult. It is important to understand that if a woman begins to manipulate her husband during pregnancy, it is likely that she has done this before and will continue to do so. So the framework must be set initially. Yes, during the period of bearing a child, it can be more difficult to control yourself, but no one throws tantrums for no reason. Therefore, you should not attribute behavior that seems not quite adequate to pregnancy: you still need to sit down and figure out why a woman is crying and what exactly offends or does not suit her. nine0006

  • Baby Crisis

What's going on. The appearance of a child is another round of relationships, implying a redistribution of roles in the family. Crises at this stage occur, among other things, due to the intervention of third parties. They may be more experienced friends of the couple, but more often we are still talking about older relatives. When a grandmother seeks to take up the upbringing of a baby from the first days of his life, arguing that, due to her age, she knows exactly how to feed and bathe him properly, the newly-minted parents themselves begin to feel like children and get lost. nine0006

How to get out of the crisis. “Young mom and dad should be a team: it is very important to immediately agree on which path they are going. They temper the child or wrap him up, feed him by the hour or give him a free schedule, use the services of a nanny or not, who spends more time with the baby, and who brings money into the house. Yes, in Russian realities, the role of the breadwinner is still often given to a man, and in Scandinavia the husband takes an equivalent decree. But a universal family model suitable for all without exception does not exist in principle. Everything that suits both spouses is good. It will be difficult for a particularly active grandmother to break in with her advice in a family where clear rules have already been established. nine0006

  • Empty nest crisis

What's going on. Children grow up and begin an independent life, and parents are partially relieved of responsibility and understand that now they can do what they did not allow themselves before. Travel, improve yourself, get an education. Well, or disperse, if before that they kept the family only "for the sake of the children. "

How to get out of the crisis. “What is good about any crisis? The fact that it allows you to re-build plans for the future. The crisis of the empty nest in this sense can be especially productive, since the spouses again find themselves left to each other and to themselves. Their task is to develop a strategy for how they will continue to build their life together. If this fails, quite naturally there is a misunderstanding of where the relationship is going. At the same time, paradoxically, partings and even divorces can be quite useful: they help people reassess their perception of a spouse and a lost family, and find a balance. Many after a divorce converge again and no longer part. nine0006

© Daniel Tafjord/Unsplash

  • Disease Crisis

What's going on. Even a protracted flu changes the life of a family, not to mention serious, prolonged illnesses. At the same time, the researchers found that men leave wives who have been diagnosed with cancer six times more often than wives with cancer husbands. On the other hand, the one who is ill often becomes the initiator of a divorce: he or she does not want to be a burden for the second half. nine0006

How to get out of the crisis. “Severe diseases, especially cancer, are often associated with guilt. The patient blames himself for making life difficult for the family, including because his treatment may require large material investments. In turn, the spouse blames himself for overlooking, not noticing the first signs of illness in time. These processes are interconnected: it does not happen that one person eats himself to eat, and everyone around him is happy. The main thing here is to accept the new reality. Do not fall into despair, but start functioning in the changed circumstances. Schedule the procedures that need to be done during the day, allocate the budget. A clear action plan and mutual support will help the family to mobilize and get through a difficult stage.” nine0006

  • Job loss crisis

What's going on. For someone who brings money to the family, the loss of a job can be a real tragedy. It is not only a matter of a decrease in wealth: a man or woman, as it were, falls out of the family structure, ceases to be a person on whom one can rely. As a result, his perception of himself changes - usually for the worse.

How to get out of the crisis. “Your task is not to let your partner get bogged down in experiences. If you tell your husband day after day that he is a loser, pretty soon he will begin to perceive himself as such. Out of such a crisis is the family in which there is support. But if there is no support, a person naturally looks for it on the side. It is not only about a lover or mistress, but also about drinking companions. It creates the illusion that only those with whom you drink understand you, so the loss of a job often leads to the development of alcoholism. So it is important to pay attention to who and how the unemployed spouse spends time with. nine0006

  • Crisis of going to psychotherapy

What's going on. Little is said about this, but when one of the partners begins to go to psychotherapy, as a result, he may take a fresh look at the relationship and even want to end it. By understanding ourselves more deeply, we are better aware of what we want from marriage and whether a spouse can give it.

How to get out of the crisis. “Psychotherapy is useful in that it helps to isolate where you are and where social stereotypes and imposed desires are. And if the process of realizing that you may have made the wrong choice has already begun, then it is unlikely to be stopped, even if the therapy is abruptly interrupted. So there are two options: either the spouses go to a specialist together and consciously work on their marriage, or they really diverge. In any case, there are no relationships without crises, and each of them is a great opportunity to move to a new level of development for both the couple and the partners' personalities.

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