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Dumped by a narcissistic man


Reasons Not to be Upset When You Are Dumped by a Narcissist

People have the hardest time breaking up with narcissists because they are very addictive. They tend to be charming and seemingly authentic in their ways. Because of the initial idealization phase, where the narcissist showers you with love and attention, you get “hooked,” and then over time the positive attention wanes to the point that not getting criticized becomes appreciated. Your expectations have been managed down.

And then they leave.

You’re devastated. But, why? Because the illusion originally presented turned out to be just that – an illusion; smoke and mirrors; a mirage. The narcissist presented to you a fantasy person, offering you your deepest heart’s desires. This was a manipulation, a type of “grooming” to get you to trust them.

I am writing this article in hopes to encourage you and remind you of the truth. Following is a list of traits that tend to be common with narcissists that make them terrible friends, partners, bosses, or family members. In fact, when you think about it, you see that narcissists are not even truly likable:

  • The are selfish and self absorbed. Because of this they don’t see you for who you are, but only for how you can serve them. They don’t care a single thing about you or what matters to you. Nor do they care about anyone else. The serve one master – him/herself.
  • They don’t listen. One of the most loving acts a person can do is listen to another. Listening is one of the most important communication skills a person can possess. Narcissists are terrible listeners. This leaves conversations with them very one-sided and disappointing.
  • They don’t value your autonomy. Think of a narcissist as a person who sets the stage and writes the script, and you’re job is to fulfill a role in his/her play. If you step out of your role you will pay dearly. The harsh truth is that you, as an individual, are irrelevant to them.
  • They are utilitarian. This means they use people for their purposes. An analogy for this is that you are a tool in the narcissist’s toolbox. He/she doesn’t always need a screwdriver. If you’re not meeting the current needs of the narcissist then you really are of no use and will most likely be treated as such.
  • Narcissists are rude. Aren’t you sick and tired of being treated inconsiderately? Don’t you just want to scream when your narcissist bosses you around or acts annoyed by what you say, or when he/she doesn’t say excuse me or please or thank you? The list goes on and on of the insensitive comments and behaviors of narcissists.
  • They think in terms of “me” not “we.” It is impossible to work with a narcissist or plan a life with one because he/she only cares about things that impact him, and could not care less about your concerns, wants, or desires.
  • They ignore people’s boundaries. You may try to set boundaries with a narcissist, but as you have already discovered, he/she steps right on over them and couldn’t care less how it affects you, or anyone else for that matter.
  • Narcissists are ungrateful. No matter what you do for a narcissist to please him/her, they will never appreciate it. You may raise the kids, keep the house clean, pay all the bills, sacrifice every bit of your life for him/her; it will never be enough and it will never be appreciated.
  • Narcissists are liars. And cheaters. They create reality to suit whatever the narrative is they need or want you to believe. And if they’re faithful to you, then there is a self-serving motive behind that decision as well.
  • They are critical. Even compliments are insulting: “You don’t look as fat as usual.” After spending any portion of your life with a narcissist, you begin to lose your self-esteem. Some people get so depressed from all the put downs that they need to take psychotropic medication or abuse drugs or alcohol just to stay in the relationship.

As you read this list, start being grateful for the fact that this person is gone. Seriously, who wants or needs a selfish, self-absorbed, ungrateful, rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, lying, cheating person in their life? Better to be alone than subject yourself to this type of person for any length of time.

The person you are missing is not a real person. You are missing a fantasy of what you wanted the person to be. Better to live in reality than to spend your life being treated poorly by a narcissist. Remind yourself that every day without a narcissist is a good day.

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What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You?

Last Updated on February 14, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Relationships with narcissists tend to follow a pattern that plays out again and again. They draw you in close, then when you least expect it, they abruptly withdraw. When they are done with you, they will dump you. Usually, for a reason that seems due to no fault of your own.

However, the narcissist often returns when they think they have something to gain from you again. This is known as the idealize-devalue-discard-hoover cycle for how narcissists approach relationships.

So although it may seem like your narcissist is finished with you when they dump you, it’s likely that they’re not done meddling in your life. In order to be completely rid of them, ignoring them might be your only option. 

In this article, I will outline why you should ignore a narcissist who dumped you, how best to ignore them, how they might react, and how to deal with this reaction. 

What happens when you ignore a narcissist who dumped you? Let’s start with why you would want to ignore a Narc?

Table of Contents:

  • Why ignoring?
  • Effects of Ignoring?
  • Does Ignoring Work?

Why Ignore a Narcissist?

If you want to finally break the narcissistic cycle that you’ve found yourself trapped in, ignoring your narcissist might be the best thing to do. This is especially true if your narcissist has been abusing you, physically or emotionally.

Why you should ignore a narcissist who dumped you?

If you’ve been through the cycle a few times now, it’s likely that you’re exhausted. Completely ignoring the narcissist may be the only way to get the space that you need to heal. 

Narcissists love to get a reaction and as soon as you give them this, you are handing your power away. This is how they get their kicks, knowing they have affected you. In order to be free of them you need to stop giving them a reaction and totally ignore them. This means giving them zero of your energy – positive or negative. 

Those with NPD feed their self-beliefs with attention and admiration from those who surround them (1). We know this as narcissistic supply and it is arguably a form of addiction (2). Whilst you’re still feeding the narcissist with supply through your reactions, you will remain in the cycle of abuse. Breaking the cycle starts with emotionally unhooking.

Nothing hurts a narcissist more than being ignored as it makes them feel insignificant and meaningless, which is their greatest fear. However, you shouldn’t ignore your narcissist purely to hurt them or to elicit a response.

Ignoring them will only work if you truly want nothing more to do with them, otherwise they will play you at your own game and probably end up winning. 

You’ll want to check up on them and may be tempted to look at their social media or contact them to see if your ignoring them has really hurt them. But it’s crucial that you don’t do this; as if you do they will know they still have your attention. 

How to Ignore a narcissist?

There is a method known as the ‘grey rock’ method when dealing with narcissists. This encourages victims to make their life seem as dull, motionless and static as possible, in the hopes the narcissist will eventually get bored and leave the victim alone.

Another method is the ‘no contact’ method, which obviously involves cutting all communication with the narcissist. If this is not possible then you should try to ignore the things they do that trigger you and avoid reacting. Basically, the narcissist should believe they are no longer the center of your world. 

What Are The Effects of ignoring a narcissist?

All narcissists have some characteristics in common – that’s how they can be defined as a narcissist. However, there is no ‘one size fits all’ as each individual narcissist is different. I will first discuss the different types of Narcissists and how they are different from each other. Then I will discuss how this influences the effects of ignoring the narcissist and what the effects of ignoring a Narcissist exactly are.

The 2 Different Types of Narcissists 

How your narcissist will react to being ignored depends on what type of narcissist they are. They can go a few different ways, depending on their personal style. One might shrug off being ignored while another might feel like their world has ended. 

It has been suggested that there are different levels of narcissism, with some narcissists reacting in more extreme ways to being ignored than others. Some have tried to put narcissists into categories; however, even these cannot predict exactly how your narcissist will react to being ignored, although, they may provide a useful framework. 

Cooper (1981) suggested there are two subgroups of narcissists: 

Reading Suggestion: How To Make a Narcissist Miss You?

  • Extroverted or ‘oblivious’ narcissists – need to be the center of attention at all times and will react extremely badly to being ignored
  • Introverted or ‘timid’ narcissists – the inhibited type whose narcissism mostly plays out in fantasy, so will not act out as much when being ignored(Also known as vulnerable narcissist)

How a narcissist will react to being ignored 

If you want to try and predict how your narcissist is going to react to being ignored, try to examine how they have behaved in the past. Although, we cannot predict exactly how a narcissistic individual will react, there are some typical reactions that have been observed:

  • They mimic your behaviour and ignore you right back – at first, a narcissist won’t try to reach out and find out why you’re ignoring them because they don’t care about your feelings. They will want to ‘one-up’ you by doing more of the same or at a higher intensity. This is them trying to reassert their power. Behaviours might include purposely ignoring your texts or blocking you on social media. 
  • They will lash out – narcissists thrive on using others as a source to make them feel important. If you ignore them and deny them of their source, they may become enraged. They will essentially have a tantrum and throw insults and threats at you. In pronounced cases, behaviour can resemble sociopathic traits and may even get violent. Expressions of this ‘out of control’ rage will vary but may include:
  1. Stalking you on social media 
  2. Stalking you physically 
  3. Sending angry, nasty text messages
  4. Trying to gain information about you from your friends and family
  5. Flaunting a new partner to get back at you
  • They will use calculated and controlled manipulation – following narcissistic ‘out of control’ rage, they may shift back to more calculated and controlled manipulation. We know this as the ‘cruelty’ stage and aims to show you that they still have complete power over you. They do this to punish you and cause harm. In the mind of the Narcissist, they are entitled to do this and you deserve it. Common strategies include: 
  • Baiting – deliberately provoking and antagonizing you
  • Gaslighting – making you question your own sense of reality and/or mental health
  • Withholding or stonewalling – removing your access to information and emotional/physical resources
  • Smear campaigns – spreading false information and gossip to discredit, undermine and isolate you.

Reading Suggestion: How to deal with The Narcissist’s Smear Campaign?

  • They manipulate you by showing false kindness and respect – they will try to trick you into thinking they have changed. Narcissists can’t bear to lose and they may see you ignoring them as a loss. This is too bruising to their inflated egos so they will pursue you even harder, using charm and flattery to lure you back in. They might tell you that they miss you and try to ‘love bomb’ you again and use other ‘hoovering’ techniques. But once they get what they want, this will all disappear and they’ll go back to their manipulative ways. 
  • They will make you feel guilty – this is to appear the victim so that you might return to the relationship with them. They may show remorse and pull at your heartstrings with promises to turn over a new leaf. They may even threaten to hurt themselves or worse, to guilt you back in to doing whatever they want 

Some narcissists may even try all of these steps in succession to try and get you back under their control.

Why Narcissists React to Being Ignored 

Narcissists actually have incredibly fragile egos, although it might not seem like it as they overcompensate for this. When ignored they will react to protect themselves from seeming vulnerable.  

Positive or negative engagement is a win for a narcissist; this is why they will try different techniques to get any sort of rise out of you. 

Ignoring a narcissist causes a re-enactment of a core wound in their inner child. When parents fail to satisfy developmental needs, pathological narcissism can be the result (3), as well as psychological barriers to protect themselves from pain (4). This is also known as a ‘contact-shunning personality’ (5). Losing the admiration that they are addicted to will make them feel rejected, betrayed and lonely, and their self-esteem will take a huge hit.

The narcissist’s true feelings about their self are disastrous, so they have created a fictitious character to hide their inner wounds. This character is known as their ‘ego’ or ‘false self’ and allows them to cut off from their emotions. Anything you do that challenges the reality of the false self is a threat and must be eliminated (6). 

When narcissists are being ignored, the only way they know how to regain control and get back to feeling safe, is to re-establish power over you. Invalidating you validates their false selves (7). 

How to deal with a narcissist’s reaction to being ignored?

You are bound to find ignoring your narcissist quite difficult at first. Particularly if you have been in and out of relationships with them for a number of years or if they have emotionally damaged you into thinking you need them to survive. 

You’ll probably be tempted to engage them, but it’s important to stay strong. You need to be completely determined and ready to rid yourself of the narcissist. It’s important to surround yourself with supportive friends and family who know about your situation and who you can talk to. 

Go full no contact. This means no calls, emails, texts and especially no in-person meetings. You must continue to ignore them indefinitely until they move on. If your narcissist reacts in a particularly violent or aggressive way to being ignored you may want to consider:

  • Changing your phone number
  • Removing them from social media
  • Contacting their friends and family 
  • Staying away from them and places they may go to
  • Involving the police
  • Filing for a restraining order 

Does Ignoring a Narcissist Work?

This depends on what you would like the outcome to be. If you’re hoping to make your narcissist have feelings for you, it’s probably not going to work, as they don’t feel emotions the same way as you do. Emotions are simply tools the narcissist uses to manipulate others. But, if you just want to finally be rid of your narcissist, ignoring them might achieve this. 

They will move on to another source of Narcissistic Supply if they realize you are really done with them and can no longer be manipulated into doing what they want. If they see no gain from continuing to pursue you, they will finally leave you alone. 

If they don’t have another source of supply lined up, they could go into ‘narcissistic collapse’ and enter a state of physiological withdrawal, not unlike people who are detoxing off hard drugs (8). If you take away their supply and they can’t find it anywhere else, they may break down which could cause them to realize their narcissistic ways and seek help. In this way, we can say that ignoring a narcissist works.  

However, ignoring a narcissist who ignores you can actually encourage them to ‘hoover’ as they know you want their love and respect and they can easily trick you into thinking they have changed. 

But ultimately, if the narcissist realizes their game is truly up and you no longer represent usefulness, they will discard you for good. Although, they will only do this once they know you have figured them out and they no longer have anything to lose. 

References used for this article

1. Lakey, C. E., Rose, P., Campbell, W. K., & Goodie, A. S. (2008). Probing the link between narcissism and gambling: the mediating role of judgment and decision‐making biases. Journal of behavioral decision making, 21(2), 113-137.

2. Diamond, D., Clarkin, J. F., Levy, K. N., Meehan, K. B., Cain, N. M., Yeomans, F. E., & Kernberg, O. F. (2014). Change in attachment and reflective function in borderline patients with and without comorbid narcissistic personality disorder in transference focused psychotherapy.  Contemporary psychoanalysis, 50(1-2), 175-210.

3. Watson, P. J., & Morris, R. J. (1991). Narcissism, empathy and social desirability. Personality and Individual Differences, 12(6), 575-579.

4. Kohut, H., & Wolf, E. S. (1978). The disorders of the self and their treatment: An outline. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 59, 413-425.

5. Banai, E., Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2005). ” Selfobject” Needs in Kohut’s Self Psychology: Links With Attachment, Self-Cohesion, Affect Regulation, and Adjustment. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 22(2), 224.

6. Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493.

7. Wetzel, E., Brown, A., Hill, P. L., Chung, J. M., Robins, R. W., & Roberts, B. W. (2017). The narcissism epidemic is dead; long live the narcissism epidemic. Psychological science, 28(12), 1833-1847.

8. Vaknin, S. (2019). Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Source of Supply.

Pain to the rescue: how to live if you are abandoned by a narcissist

14,716

Man and woman

It is hard to part with narcissists, they know how to cause real dependence on themselves. They are often charming and seem sincere and natural.

“At the beginning of a relationship, the narcissist bathes us in love and attention, and we “get hooked”, but gradually he begins to treat us more and more coldly, and in the end we are happy when he simply does not criticize us,” explains the psychotherapist Shari Stines.

And suddenly the daffodil leaves. Breaking up becomes a heavy blow. Why? Because it completely dispels the illusion.

“We had a fantastic image of a person who promised to satisfy all our desires and needs. But it was just a manipulation in order to gain confidence, ”says Stines.

Don't get upset. Let's take a look at the qualities narcissists have that make them terrible partners (as well as friends, family, co-workers, and bosses).

  1. They are selfish and self-centered. Not able to see us as a real person, we are just a means to them. They don't care about us or anything that matters to us. They don't care about anyone but themselves.
  2. They don't know how to listen. One of the main manifestations of love is the ability to listen to another. It is also an essential communication skill. Narcissists are completely devoid of it. Any conversation with them takes place in a one-sided manner and leaves only disappointment.
  3. They do not value our autonomy. Imagine that the narcissist is setting up the scenery and writing the script, and you are just playing a given role in his play. For any deviation from this role, you will be punished. You as a person are indifferent to him.
  4. They think utilitarian. Narcissists simply use others for their own ends. To him, you are just another tool in the kit. Often you are simply not needed, as, for example, a screwdriver is not needed. At such moments, the attitude towards you will be appropriate - as a useless thing.
  5. They are rude. Aren't you tired of his rude and unceremonious treatment? Don't you want to scream with anger when he starts commanding you or gets annoyed with every word you say? When does he always "forget" to say "thank you" or "sorry"? The list of manifestations of rudeness and rudeness on his part can be continued indefinitely.
  6. "I" is always more important to them than "we". It is impossible to work normally with a narcissist or plan a life together, because he only cares about his problems, and your desires and concerns are indifferent to him.
  7. They don't respect other people's boundaries. You may try to set personal boundaries with a narcissist, but as you may have noticed, he constantly violates them, with absolutely no regard for your feelings.
  8. They are ungrateful. No matter what you do for the narcissist, trying to please him, he will never appreciate your efforts. Let you take on the upbringing of children, cleaning, paying all bills, sacrificing everything, for him this will never be enough and you will not wait for gratitude.
  9. They are false. And prone to change. They create an illusion for you that is beneficial to them. Even if he will remain faithful to you, he probably has his own selfish reasons for this.
  10. They criticize you all the time. Even their “compliments” sound like insults: “And you don’t look so full anymore!” Living together with a narcissist destroys our self-esteem. Some become depressed because of constant abuse and start drinking antidepressants or seeking solace in alcohol or drugs.

After rereading this list, you will surely understand that parting with such a partner can only be joyful. Well, do you really need a narcissistic egoist, an ungrateful, unceremonious, deceitful and unfaithful brute? It is much better to be alone than to live with such a person.

“After all, you yearn not for a real person, but for that ideal image that you have created for yourself. Come back to reality and enjoy your newfound freedom,” urges Shari Stines.

Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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Can a male narcissist abandon his "victim" himself?

#1

#2

003

#4

#5

Slavyanka.

Who is a nirciss man and what kind of victim can he have?)) Trouble).
Maybe it's enough to suffer nonsense.

#6

Slavyanka.

Who is a nirciss man and what kind of victim can he have?)) Trouble).
Maybe it's enough to suffer nonsense. 9February 29, 2020

#11

#12

Slavyanka.

So explain to me?
Or are you that same narcissist?

#13

Guest

Google to the rescue. I ask for advice from knowledgeable people

#14

Guest

Google help. I'm asking for advice from knowledgeable people

#15

Guest

the best way to show superiority is to quit without explaining the reasons. so continuous painful uncertainty
And the responsibility? He just avoided her, so if he received a frying pan on the bulldozer goodbye, or at least listened to everything that had accumulated about himself, then he would have carried it

#16

Guest

do you even know the legend of Narcissus yourself? You are aware that he did not love himself

#17

#18

Guest

Pukan burns? Have you been in my situation? No. So, if I ask, then I have an idea about what.

#19

Guest

Already said a hundred times. But this time, he made up his mind. And I think he will regret it. And if I had left him, he would have accepted it out of desperation.

#20

9000 2020, 21:48

#23

Other

Usually daffodils don't abandon their victims. They are periodically announced in order to find out how you are doing there - whether you suffer or not, or maybe even died) Their ego blooms with all the colors of the rainbow from this. The best punishment for them is complete disregard.

#24

Other

Narcissists don't usually abandon their victims. They are periodically announced in order to find out how you are doing there - whether you suffer or not, or maybe even died) Their ego blooms with all the colors of the rainbow from this. The best punishment for them is complete disregard.

#25

Elizabeth who, according to legend, committed suicide. Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in the river, and so he died of hunger, unable to move away from his reflection.
The answer to your question is that a narcissist always leaves girls, he doesn’t need them at all, because. he loves only himself.

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#26

Elizabeth of which, according to legend, committed suicide. Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in the river, and so he died of hunger, unable to move away from his reflection.
The answer to your question is that a narcissist always leaves girls, he doesn’t need them at all, because. he loves only himself.

#27

#28

9000

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    .. How will you cope if you are left all alone? February 29, 2020, 22:02

    #30

    #32

    Zhanna

    And how do they perceive ignore? Offends them?

    #33

    #34

    Zhanna

    If the narcissist ignores the victim, he gets high. Right? After all, he punished the victim.
    And if he is ignored, then he pulls the strings.

    #35

    Guest

    Pindui pindui from here sheep

    9000 to play it again. If the victim is out of reach, the narcissist is very worried about this (only their experiences are somewhat different, people are things for them) and in most cases tramples on the next victim. It is almost impossible to kill him morally, unfortunately, but it is real to teach him a lesson. At least he will often remember you with an unkind word) 9February 29, 2020 Narcissism is not about looks. It's a personality disorder

    #38

    Guest

    Huh? Someone abandoned him so beautiful? February 29, 2020 What is the end goal?

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    #41

    Other

    Narcissists are different. Some just like to manipulate, play with feelings, but they usually cannot cause serious harm, while others do their best to break the victim, make them their shadow, deprive her of her own self, shake her whole soul, drive her to suicide (this is the handwriting of perverse narcissists, psychopaths)

    #42

    #43

    #44

    Another

    When he finds a new victim, when the old one for some reason ceased to suit, he just got tired. But even if it puts an end to the previous relationship, it is always blurry.

    #45

    #46

    #47

    normally.

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