Does reverse psychology work on a narcissist

The Gullibility of the Narcissist: What You Need to Know

Source: Michelangelo Caravaggio/Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain

It’s supremely ironic. Narcissists are notorious for ruthlessly manipulating others to gain a strategic advantage over them. Yet they’re exceptionally vulnerable to being duped themselves because of their powerful psychological defenses, which—if recognized—can be vigorously used against them.

To adopt a common expression: “The bigger they [think they] are, the harder they fall.”

The DSM-5, the standard manual for diagnosing mental and emotional disorders, lists nine criteria for determining whether an individual is afflicted with this serious disorder. And this post will demonstrate how virtually all of these criteria indirectly suggest pathological narcissists’ curious susceptibility to others’ outmaneuvering them. For as rigidly constricted as the narcissist’s character structure is, their fabricated, super-sized “false self” still requires the assistance of others to remain securely (though artificially) inflated.

And as shrewd and scheming as they can be, they’re not without enormous blind spots. Paradoxically, their very defenses can make them defenseless in the face of anyone's desiring to use their self-protective armor against them. And in ways that, constitutionally, they may not be able to detect—until it’s too late.

Let’s start by exploring DSM’s introductory bird’s-eye view of pathological narcissism. For everything below will derive from this pithy description:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

What, reading between the lines, this characterization reveals is that, if it’s to feel stable and secure, the narcissist’s self-aggrandizing sense of superiority depends on others’ constant confirmation. And this need to have their alleged five-star glory outwardly validated is precisely what makes them dependent on others, rendering them vulnerable to those who, calculatingly, would corroborate their “specialness”—but only to achieve their own ends. Moreover, many times these ends amount to nothing more than avenging themselves against the narcissist who, in the past, callously exploited them, and by doing so left them with powerful feelings of anger and resentment.

Having been taken advantage of and inhumanely objectified, these victims felt not only exploited but demeaned, insulted, even humiliated—and all because of the narcissist’s egregious lack of empathy. So, in the simplest of terms, the DSM’s terse overview of the most distinctive narcissistic qualities suggests the interpersonal dynamic that accounts for how the narcissist’s manipulations can lead to their victims’ retaliatory counter-manipulations.

It’s important to explain this phenomenon on the basis of what psychoanalytic theory labels “narcissistic supply”—that which all malignant narcissists must rely on to fill the gnawing vacuum residing deep inside themselves. Emotionally disconnected from others, narcissists cannot value anyone independently of how they might address the demands of their ego, which are insatiable. So they’re destined to pursue others, but only to the degree that they can “supply” the narcissist with the attention, affirmation, admiration, praise, and respect they crave. For only then can the narcissist keep safely buried whatever ancient doubts they still harbor about their fundamental worth.

Most pathological narcissists are secretly plagued by self-esteem deficits originating in childhood and masked—or defended against—by rather primitive illusions of grandeur and an overblown sense of superiority and entitlement. And this need for others to admire them, to shore up the weak foundation of their carefully concocted persona, is what ultimately makes them so vulnerable to others’ words and behavior. If they’re so sensitive and angrily reactive to anything resembling criticism, it’s because of their deep-rooted insecurities. (See my post: The Narcissist’s Dilemma...)

This peculiar (and not generally recognized) dependency on others is a constant for them, and it can never be fully satisfied. Similar to mythic vampires, their emotional neediness requires a regular supply of fresh blood to sustain them. And just as these “undead” predators must depend on their victims for sustenance, so, too, do narcissists cultivate others to bolster their precarious self-image.

Consider, for example, how often narcissists boast about their unparalleled accomplishments, and how their efforts alone engendered them when typically they benefited from all sorts of outside help. But narcissists loathe sharing credit for anything or admitting dependency on others. Still, their outward reliance is all too real, and it can set them up for eventual defeat—particularly from irate individuals who've felt mercilessly exploited.

To put this a little differently, if the narcissist has a single, overarching goal in life it’s to achieve the loftiest possible self-image, one that’s unassailable. So they’re compelled to engage, or “enlist,” others for the sole purpose of assisting them in achieving this grandiose objective.

Let’s return now to the DSM criteria for narcissism to further expand on the points already made about how narcissists’ unavoidable dependence on their “narcissistic suppliers” render them especially gullible to those who can’t help but resent the inferior role to which they’ve been relegated.

The first benchmark in the DSM revolves around pathological narcissists’ “grandiose sense of self-importance.” It emphasizes how these disturbed individuals “exaggerate [read, ‘are dishonest about’] their achievements and talents.” In short, they pretend to know a lot more about things than they actually do. As one writer puts it:

Narcissists are often gullible, naive, and stunningly ignorant of anything outside their narrow circle of interests. (They’re often stunningly ignorant of things inside their circle of interests since clearly they have already mastered the topic and don’t need to study more or keep up on new developments.) . . . They take chances because it doesn’t occur to them that they could lose, make huge demands because it doesn’t occur to them they don’t have a right to ask for certain things, tell lies because it doesn’t occur to them that other people could see through them.

This characterization suggests how the narcissist's brash self-confidence; optimism, grounded in their illusionary grandiosity; unwarranted presumption of entitlement; and mendacity all relate to their impaired ability to accurately detect the reactions of others, thus making them all the more susceptible to rejection, failure—and exploitation. As desperate as they are to be seen in a particular way, they can be remarkably obtuse in how they see others, frequently projecting onto them qualities they can't let themselves recognize in themselves. And this striking short-sightedness can lead to blow-backs they'd never anticipate.

Complementing the 1st DSM criterion for narcissism, the 2nd further extends their grandiose thinking as it contributes to their gullibility: The narcissist "is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.”

Such grandiloquent imaginings set the narcissist up for ultimate betrayal by a reality far harsher than their self-aggrandizing fantasies. Author, professor, and self-confessed narcissist, Sam Vaknin, Ph.D., has written a seminal book on narcissism. Entitled Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, this work is distinguished for its many “insider” insights. Perhaps exaggerated in some of its contentions, it nonetheless depicts this personality disorder in ways that most readers, experientially, can easily relate to.

Here’s what Vaknin has to say about narcissists' custom-made (yet self-blinding) fantasies, which make them susceptible to being out-maneuvered, out-strategized—or flagrantly ripped off:

[Narcissists] live in a fantasy land all their own in which they are the center of the universe, admired, feared, held in awe, and respected for their omnipotence and omniscience. . . . Narcissists are prone to magical thinking. They hold themselves immune to the consequences of their actions (or inaction) and, therefore, beyond punishment and the laws of Man. Narcissists are easily persuaded to assume unreasonable risks and expect miracles to happen. They often find themselves on the receiving end of investment scams, for instance. . . . The narcissist believes that he is destined to greatness—or at least the easy life. He wakes up every morning fully ready for a fortuitous stroke of luck. That explains the narcissist's reckless behaviors and his lazed lack of self-discipline. It also explains why he is so easily duped.

Note how these astute observations tie in with the DSM’s 5th criterion: Namely, narcissists have "a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.”

As Vaknin notes:

Narcissists feel entitled to money, power, and honors incommensurate with their accomplishments or toil. [They think] the world owe[s] them a trouble-free, exalted, and luxurious existence. [So] they are rudely shocked when they are penalized for their misconduct or when their fantasies remain just that.

In short, the narcissist's all-encompassing sense of entitlement is rarely backed by the rest of the world. Hence, their pompously distorted self-perception is at any time subject to being shattered. As strenuously as they endeavor to convince themselves, they’re not above the law, or the court of public opinion. Consider this famous quote from Abraham Lincoln:

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

The DSM’s 3rd criterion: The narcissist "believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.” We can grasp that narcissists try so hard to ingratiate themselves with highly ranked individuals to keep their falsely elevated self-evaluation “anchored” in reality. Still, just below the surface, what’s revealed here is (as I suggested in a 2013 PT post) “a degree of insecurity vastly beyond anything they might be willing to avow”.

And these self-esteem deficits link to the DSM’s 4th criterion: The narcissist’s “requir[ing] excessive admiration. ” Obviously, the loftier the station of the person admiring them, the more meaningful to them such adulation will be. If narcissists so often fish for compliments—ideally, from those of high status, or who seem to reflect the success, power, brilliance, or beauty they themselves crave—they make themselves that much more vulnerable to those who would gladly offer them such adulation, but only to serve their own purposes.

These envied others, frequently exhibiting narcissistic traits themselves, “play into” the narcissist’s overblown pride so that, pivotally, they can employ the narcissist’s defenses against them. Furthermore, the narcissist’s egocentricity, or conceit, can render them blind to others’ motives of self-interest. And in their tunnel vision, they may not be able to detect that their perceived friends are actually using them.

It cannot be over-emphasized that, incapable of filling their inner void themselves, narcissists must continually locate outside “suppliers” to compensate for their chronic emptiness. And because authentic self-validation is so far beyond their capacity, they’re constantly at risk of being taken advantage of (and especially, by fellow narcissists, who would use them as narcissistic supplies).

Perhaps more than anything else, it’s the narcissist’s extraordinary dearth of compassion that impels others—whether self-protectively or in retaliation—to capitalize on their gullibility. As portrayed in DSM’s 7th criterion, the narcissist “lacks empathy: is [unable or] unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” And this criterion closely joins two others already foreshadowed—the narcissist’s interpersonal exploitativeness and their arrogant or haughty attitude.

In short, narcissists often inspire their victims with vindictiveness. Over time those they’ve harmed have learned that the best way to avenge themselves against the cruelty of these master manipulators is either to exploit to the max their everlasting need to be commended, sucked up to, or acclaimed; or goad them into getting so out-of-control angry that they’re driven to say or do something ruinous to their welfare. As regards the latter, when narcissists are “taken over” by their single, most self-sabotaging emotion—that is, their predominate rage—their judgment is seriously impaired, rendering them totally incapable of considering the consequences of unleashing their fury.

It’s precisely because they’re so abusive themselves that, as Vaknin succinctly puts it: “Narcissists attract abuse.” And elaborating on this rudimentary point, he adds:

Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome—they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies—they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.

Perhaps the ultimate irony is that narcissists, as cold-blooded as they are in objectifying others, are governed by one (already mentioned) overriding emotion—which constitutes the cornerstone of their various defenses. And that is their almost reflexive anger, which finally makes them vulnerable less to others than to themselves. Highly reactive to the slightest negative assessment—whether real or imagined—they can easily lose control of their rational faculties.

And that’s what, potentially, can make it so easy for others to gain control over them. As the unnamed writer already cited describes this susceptibility: “Get a narcissist frothing at the mouth, and [they’ll] tell you exactly what [they’re] doing, why, when, how, and to whom. It’s better than getting a Batman villain to monologue” (from “What to Remember When Dealing With a Narcissist”).

Sooner or later, the trickster may well become the tricked. And those ruthlessly abused by the narcissist can finally get the justice—or revenge—denied to them earlier.

NOTE: I’ve written many posts on narcissism. Here are just two (with links) that closely complement the present one: “The Catch-22 of Dealing With a Narcissist” and “The Vampire’s Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out.”

How to live or work with narcissists?

Narcissism facts -infographic

Dealing with a narcissist can be very challenging. Narcissists can drain people’s energy, make them feel miserable, and manage to focus all the attention on themselves. For a lot of people, dealing with a narcissist is simply too much and they will start to avoid them. For others, for instance the narcissist’s spouse or relative, this may be impossible. For them, life can be a living nightmare; the narcissist’s impulsive and self-centered behaviour can disrupt families, companies, and even nations. Their constant craving for power and control often leaves people feel helpless, powerless, and defeated.
Fortunately, there is a lot one can do to reduce the power and control someone with narcissistic personality disorder seems to have in conversations, discussions, negotiations, and in relationships. Dealing with a narcissist means gaining control over the situation, being ahead of ‘unexpected’ changes in strategy, and feeling happy again. This page covers tips, tricks, and coping strategies to make living with narcissists (a lot) easier. In case it’s difficult to bring these tips into practice, please contact us.

For more information:

What is narcissism?
NPD symptoms.
NPD test.
How to deal with a narcissistic parent?
Having a narcissistic mother-in-law.
Narcissistic boss.
Narcissism facts.
Online treatment for narcissism or guidance for those living with a narcissist.
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At Barends Psychology Practice, narcissistic personality disorder treatment is offered. Contact us to schedule a first, free of charge, appointment. (Depending on your health insurance, treatment may be reimbursed)

Dealing with a narcissist: the tips and tricks!

Here are the 7 tips and tricks you can use to start dealing with a narcissist in a healthy and productive way.

Identify the narcissist type you are dealing with.

Research shows that there are either two or three narcissism subtypes [2],[3]. The two subtypes are: narcissistic grandiosity and narcissistic vulnerability; the three subtypes are called: the fragile narcissist, the high-functioning/exhibitionistic narcissist, and the grandiose/malignant narcissist. The fragile narcissist and narcissistic vulnerability show a lot of overlap in symptoms and behaviours; narcissistic grandiosity and grandiose/malignant narcissist also show a lot of overlap in symptoms and behaviours.
Where the third one, the high functioning/exhibitionistic narcissist, functions pretty well and uses his narcissistic traits in a positive way [3], the grandiose and fragile narcissist often function bad, create chaos, and eventually damage themselves and people around them.

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Unfortunately, narcissistic behaviour of one subtype is not limited to that particular subtype only. In fact, the narcissist behaves different to each individual and its behaviour depends mainly on two factors: are you useful to the narcissist, and are you close to the narcissist. If the narcissist needs you (for a paycheck, a service or for leverage), then it is likely that dealing with a narcissist is easy for you; the narcissist will be kind and generous to you. When the narcissist is not close to you, he or she may come across friendly, charming, and funny. If, however, the narcissist does not need you or has power over you, he will use you or not give you any attention other than superficial attention.
The ones that suffer the most, are the ones that are close to the narcissist, because they witness their tantrums, their impulsiveness, and their tyranny from close by.
Here is a brief overview of the differences in approach/treatment:
If you are a distant friend, relative or a somewhat distant coworker of the narcissist, you may perceive him or her as friendly, social, charming, but also a little bit intimidating (verbally or non verbally). The narcissist may come across very confident and may make (negative) jokes about your achievement in a ‘kind’ way. When you get to know him better you may start to notice that they are persuasive, try to win you for them, and may put others down a little. At this moment, it is likely that the narcissist is identifying your weaknesses.
If you are a good friend, a relative or his partner you will see a different side. The main goal of someone with narcissistic personality disorder is to gain control, power, and attention. For as long as the narcissist thinks you are of use, they will treat you with respect.
If you are the submissive type of person, then it is likely you do not experience a lot of problems, other than the narcissist being dominant. The submissive personality type feeds the narcissist, because they give the narcissist the option to be dominant.
Other personality types, however, will experience more of a struggle for dominance, power, and attention. The same principle applies here: if you give the narcissist what they want, then they are Okay people. However, the moment you oppose or disagree with a narcissist, you can see the anger building up and you can see their behaviour change slowly or even suddenly. The narcissist wants to feel superior to you, tries to exploit you, denies you the pleasure of success (or tries to take credit for it), doesn’t really care about your feelings or needs, and doesn’t listen to you at all.
If you oppose him, he can get aggressive (verbally, non verbally, and physically), remorseless, and revengeful, or he may start playing the victim (crying, accusing you of selfishness; denying or twisting facts; will apply the following techniques: gas-lighting or splitting). And he demands admiration, a lot!
The romantic partners usually have to suffer the most. They are facing a constant power struggle, are being put down a lot, hardly ever receive compliments, and have to deal with their ever changing plans and lack of long term goals. For the romantic partner, dealing with a narcissist is extremely difficult, because they are the only ones who see the real narcissist (and often cannot convince others that their romantic partner is really that horrible to them). The narcissist enjoys to guilt-trip you and to make you feel if you ever want something for yourself. Where they can say they want a divorce a 1000 times, the moment you bring it up even once, they are offended and demand an apology. Narcissists also like to use gas-lighting (see below for an explanation) to make their partner insecure and question their own sanity.

NOTE: romantic partners of narcissists often complain about the fact that the narcissist used to be charming, funny, friendly, romantic, and caring, but that they changed over the course of months/years. It is important to realize that these people got to know the narcissist when they were not close to him or her and thus were treated differently.

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Realize that the narcissist you’re dealing with has issues.

Often, someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) had a difficult childhood; one without enough love, attention, care, and affection, or one with too much attention, praise, love, and no criticism. We are using the word ‘enough’, because each child has different needs. One may need a lot of attention, whereas the other may not need much at all [1]. As a result, narcissism can develop, (1) because a child can develop a sense of entitlement or grandiosity, or (2) because he can develop poor self-esteem, depression, and the need to exploit others [1]. In the first case, the narcissist needs to think of himself as a superior person and needs admiration from others to maintain his self-image [3]. In the second case, the narcissist never received love, affection, and empathy and simply doesn’t know how to show it himself. They do, however, know how to exploit others because they saw (one of) their parents do this all the time [3]. Knowing that the narcissist has issues, may help you to understand what is going on and why they behave the way they do.

In a way, dealing with a narcissist means dealing with someone who has issues himself. The problem is: they don’t know they have issues or will deny it when you confront them. In fact, they may even turn against you or walk away from you. In some cases, for instance at work or in a relationship, this is not really what you want. So now that you know that they have issues themselves what can you do to make dealing with a narcissist easier for you?

Setting healthy boundaries.

If your family is not a safe haven and you do not know when your parents will be nice to you or angry with you for no reason, you start to distrust people in general, and ‘the world becomes an unpredictable place’. For healthy people, the world is predictable: if you behave in a certain way, you know you will have no problems, you will receive love and attention. For narcissists, however, during their childhood, even normal behaviour could result in punishment, depending on their parent’s mood. In other words, the narcissist had little to no framework (set of rules, norms, values, and boundaries) to guide him through life.
It is the poor framework that leaves them clueless in more meaningful relationships and, in their eyes, justifies many of their behaviours. Dealing with a narcissist can be physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting, because they can suddenly turn against you, change their plans completely, and tend to create chaos. They are really good at playing tiring mind games without you being aware of it. They play these mind games because they want something from you. Whether it is a favor or simply control, attention or power, a narcissist always wants to have the better deal.
Therefore, it is very important to set healthy boundaries, to create a clear framework, and to stick to them. A narcissist needs boundaries to know what he or she can and cannot do. At the same time, you need consequences as well when they cross these boundaries. Without clear boundaries (and consequences), the narcissist assumes that they can do whatever they want. Depending on the subtype, the narcissist may respond with anger (malignant subtype) or by playing the victim (fragile) when you set clear boundaries. Be aware that this is plain manipulation. By becoming angry, they try to intimidate you and want you to adjust these boundaries. After all, your boundaries are not in their favor. The narcissists who play the victim try to manipulate you by making you feel guilty and consequently adjust your boundaries. In both cases the result is often the same: people adjust their boundaries. If, however, one does not give in, the narcissist will feel more anger/like a victim and most likely respond very offended, but they will respect your boundaries. Why? Because the consequences most likely mean: less contact or less control. A narcissist always wants to have control, power, and attention. By using this against them, they will always obey, which makes dealing with a narcissist easier. A very successful exercise we give our clients is to set a healthy contact boundary. The person is allowed to only contact our client so many times a day or week. If the narcissist crosses this boundary, the consequence is 2 weeks of radio silence and every time the narcissist tries to be in touch during these two weeks, the timer will be reset. Within a month the narcissist obeys. After a while they will test this boundary again, just like toddlers do, and it is up to you to be consequent.

Realize that they cannot offer you everything you need.

Despite the fact that most narcissists, especially in the beginning, are charming, kind, and funny, they have difficulty understanding what other people’s needs are. Even if they realize someone needs them for emotional or physical support, they usually see this in terms of: “How can I benefit from this sooner or later?”. If you expect someone with a narcissistic personality disorder to give you emotional support, to help you out with something, or to do you a (big) favor, then expect to get disappointed or to be presented with the bill afterwards. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting if you expect too much. Instead, ask yourself what you need of this person and see if this is what the narcissist can offer you. If they can’t offer you what you need, then stop asking for it and find someone else who can be there for you. Be aware: the narcissist can be very interested in your personal life and may ask a lot of questions, but they are just gathering information to use against you or someone else. Genuine interest from the narcissist is extremely rare, if it exists at all.
For the romantic partner of the narcissist, getting your needs fulfilled may be very frustrating: at times, the narcissist can be very kind, understanding, and sweet (usually after a fight), but they change within a few days and may use your need for emotional support against you. Exploiting someone’s weaknesses is what they do best, which is why it is wise to try to hide your weaknesses and needs. It will disarm the narcissist a little bit.
Realizing that the narcissist cannot give you want you a looking for in someone, may change the interaction between the both of you. This may be tricky, as the narcissist may start to consider you their enemy. In the image above/on the right, we illustrated how a friend can turn into an enemy in the eyes of the narcissist. Dealing with a narcissist in terms of staying friends can be very difficult and energy consuming. A narcissist can easily get disappointed in you(r efforts) and replace you for someone else.

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Stay away from mind games.

Dealing with a narcissist becomes a lot easier when you stay away from their mind games. Why? Because you’ll end up doing something you don’t want to or saying things you didn’t want to. Another reason is that the narcissist simply enjoys mind games, because that is when they are in control. Being in control is important for them. It gives them the feeling of power and of being better than you. The moment they are about to lose the discussion, they easily change tactics (like changing the subject or playing the victim) to gain control over the discussion again. If, somehow, they can’t get the upper-hand in the discussion don’t be surprised if they go berserk (shouting, screaming, throwing objects, cursing, and so on). Why do they go berserk? Probably because they can’t deal with the frustration of not being in control. You probably don’t want to have such a scene. So what can you do about it? The best thing is to recognize the game they are playing and to calling them out on it. They will most likely deny it and try to accuse you of something, but at the same time, this exposure makes them feel vulnerable. Vulnerability is something they absolutely do not like, and it is very likely that they will stop using this game. Another effective strategy is to ask for some time to think about the topic or question or accusation. This time-out will make their game less effective and gives you time to organize your thoughts. In any case, do not give them what they want or they will always go berserk if they do not get what they want. Here are a few examples of mind games narcissists like to play and some tips of how to deal with them:

Changing the subject – The moment you are about to win the argument or have the upper-hand in the discussion the narcissist will change the subject in such a way that they have the upper-hand again and that you have to defend yourself (again). A good way to deal with this mind game is to mention it: ˝Donald, I understand you want to talk about that topic as well, but we are not finished with our current topic yet. We can discuss your new topic after we finished this one˝. In this way you let them know you hear them and you validate their point. At the same time you go back to the initial topic. Keep repeating this.
Blaming you – By blaming you they are in control, they have the upper-hand. This approach makes you feel like defending yourself all the time and that makes you vulnerable. In relationships this is a powerful mind game. It’s easy to start blaming your partner as well, but it’s not constructive at all. A better way to deal with this mind game is to focus on solving the problem. If your partner blames you for something immediately focus on problem solving strategies. This way you don’t give the narcissist the time to continue their blame game. You also show you are not that vulnerable as the narcissist would like you to be. NOTE: some narcissists become even more angry when you admit your mistakes or wrongdoings, because it makes them feel entitled to punish you. If this is the case, then it is very important to not admit to your failures or mistakes.
Projection – Dealing with a narcissist can be really frustrating because of they can be hypocrites sometimes. They can blame or criticize you for things they do themselves as well. The reason they use projection is to shift the attention away from them. And they succeed in it when they provoke a reaction. The moment you start defending yourself, you give them what they want: (1) they are in control again, and (2) the focus is on you! So what can you do about this? Some people say you have to walk away. In some situations this is a wise thing to do. In other situations, talk about ‘we’ when mentioning that type of behaviour (and start recording when they do the same to you). It will either shift the attention to them or make it less of a problem. Also, propose a solution to the problematic behaviour. If they come up with a solution, you can use this whenever they show that type of behaviour.
Playing the victim – Even though they think they are perfect, they like to play the victim from time to time as well. They may do this because they want to get the upper-hand in the situation or because they need some attention.
They may play the victim when you are upset about what they did, when you are angry with them or when they don’t get what they want. For instance, when you are angry because they didn’t keep their promise, they may “be upset” about your response and try to make you feel guilty. Why do they do that? This way the attention shifts from their bad behaviour to their ‘I am a victim’ behaviour. The attention they get is not negative but positive, because you feel guilty. Also, they will regain control over the situation again. The best way to respond in this situation is to ignore their game and focus on what the narcissist did before. They will throw a more dramatic scene if you ignore them, but they will stop this if you set healthy boundaries.
Sometimes, however, they simply need some more attention. Common moments where the narcissist plays the victim is when someone else is in the spotlights or the day after they behaved really well (social and kind). If this is the case, then it is easier to give them just that little bit of extra attention and they will clear up almost instantly.
Gas-lighting – Dealing with a narcissist is tricky because they use the gas-lighting technique a lot. The gas-lighting technique means that the narcissist withholds information from you and replaces it with false information. They use denial, misdirection, contradiction and lying to make you doubt your own memory, perception or sanity. This way they are in control over the situation, and it’s easier for them to “persuade” you into taking their view/opinion. And that’s what they want. What can you do about this? Do not base your opinion on their information only. Try to find out what really happened and keep in mind that the narcissist may be playing games. Stick to your own memory and, if needed, write it down.
Interruption – By interrupting you or by talking louder and louder they try to gain control over the situation again. Allowing them to interrupt you or to “shout” at you means that you are on the losing end of the discussion. It’s more difficult for you to make your point when you get interrupted a lot or when the other is shouting at you. The easiest thing to do is to tell them that they can talk after you’ve finished making your point. Another good thing is to tell them that you are not impressed by their shouting and that they should talk like all adults do.
Silent treatment – The avoidance of certain topics and keeping the upper-hand in the relationship are two important goals for the narcissist. The silent treatment is a very effective way to achieve this. On top of that this treatment makes you feel guilty and makes you want to come to the narcissist to stop this silent treatment. In short: the sooner you get it over with the better. The approach may be tricky though: because they will just play the victim again. You can acknowledge their feelings briefly and then immediately continue the initial discussion. Don’t take too much time acknowledging their feelings because it’s what they want.
Using long and complex sentences – Most narcissists use long and complex sentences to answer questions or during a discussion. They like to use difficult words as well. There are several reasons why they do this, (1) to illustrate how intelligent they are, (2) to confuse you, (3) to get way off topic, and (4) to make you agree with whatever they are saying so they can use that against you again. It is important to cut the narcissist short and ask them to give you short answers.

Don’t try to win the narcissist for you.

Winning the narcissist for you isn’t a very realistic goal given the fact that they only care about themselves. So the moment a narcissist likes you a lot it’s probably because you feed their ego, because you make them feel very important, and because they can exploit you (emotionally, mentally, and physically). The moment they find a better person for their needs or the moment they can’t use you anymore, they will simply drop you like a rock. It’s a lot easier to keep the narcissist on a safe distance.
When it comes to business or responsibilities, please think twice and never decide on the spot. Ask for some time to think about all the pros and cons, and do not let them pressure you. Any form of pressure from them is a red flag and almost begs for even more delay from your side. Also, do not accept their nice gestures (gifts or nice gestures), because they will use it as leverage against you. Sooner or later, they will come to you and remind you of how they gave you something, and that it is time for you to return the favor. https://bongo.gg This favor is always bigger than what they gave you in the first place, and often is more risky or involves responsibilities or is part of more involvement in their lives (and means getting caught in their web).

Avoid challenging the narcissist’s desires and wishes.

By challenging the narcissist’s desires and wishes you may become their enemy, as mentioned before. Most narcissist enjoys seeing someone suffer, humiliating someone, and being in control all the time. Imagine what happens if you become their enemy? The narcissist will do everything to make you suffer. Everything they can use against you they Will use against you. Try to avoid challenging the narcissist’s desires and wishes, try to stay out of it. Dealing with a narcissist sometimes means taking distance rather than engaging in contact.

Dealing with a narcissist – Literature

[1] The handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatment. W. Keith Cambell & Joshua D. Miller, 2011.
[2] Pincus, A. L., Ansell, E. B., Pimentel, C. A., Cain, N. M., Wright, A. G., & Levy, K. N. (2009). Initial construction and validation of the Pathological Narcissism Inventory. Psychological assessment, 21, 365.
[3] Russ, E., Shedler, J., Bradley, R., & Westen, D. (2008). Refining the construct of narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic criteria and subtypes. American Journal of Psychiatry, 165, 1473-1481.

Reverse psychology: how does it work?

You must have done this many times, and you didn't even suspect that you were doing exactly that - reverse psychology. This phenomenon has a simple principle of operation. You want someone to do something, but are absolutely sure of refusal, even after a polite request. So you're asking the person to do the exact opposite of what you want. For example, you unsuccessfully ask your husband to paint the bedroom. But as soon as you tell him: "Don't worry, I'll paint it myself - anyway, I can paint walls better than you," rest assured, your husband will immediately pick up a brush.

"Reverse psychology often works because each person needs independence," says Dr. Jeanette Raymond, a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, and relationship expert in Los Angeles. “It’s much more uplifting to feel that you did something of your own accord, and not because someone forced you, forced, shamed or threatened to end the relationship.”

In psychotherapy, reverse psychology is called "paradoxical intervention" (the term "reverse psychology" appeared under the influence of the media). In a paradoxical intervention, the therapist tells the client to behave in exactly the way the client most wants. For example, if a client wants to overcome procrastination, the therapist suggests that the client procrastinate for one hour a day. The point is that this will help the client focus on the behavior and its possible consequences and allow him to see that the behavior is voluntary and therefore controllable.

There are some doubts about the ethics of a paradoxical intervention performed by a professional. Sometimes the patient's problem may be one of fear or pain, in which case asking the patient to intentionally create that state does not seem to be acceptable.

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Who does reverse psychology work for?

Reverse psychology, or paradoxical intervention, is a relatively new concept in psychotherapy, but it has folk origins. For example, it is believed that parents should not warn their child against marriage with an unsuccessful passion, otherwise the wedding will certainly take place. But does it work for everyone and in every situation?

Experts believe that reverse psychology is more likely to work for those who do not like to be in control - teenagers. rebels, daffodils, for example. Most passive people will happily do what you ask, so there is no need for reverse psychology for them. It will also work better for those who often make emotional decisions rather than calmly consider their moves.

Reverse psychology is more likely to work for those who do not like to be controlled

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Janet Raymond argues that the effectiveness of this method depends less on personality type than on relationship dynamics. “Where a person is fighting for his independence and individuality, a paradoxical intervention can work, because a person seeks to do what you forbid him.”

She mentions Julian Assange, the head of WikiLeaks, as an example. “The more he was called to stop and the more threats he received from powerful countries like the United States, the more he ignored them and the sooner he acquired the aura of a martyr,” says the psychotherapist. “If he had been told that his work is cool and demanded to continue in the same spirit, he probably would not have stuck his line so hard.”

Fortunately, it is not often that we are faced with the task of using reverse psychology to stop the spread of top-secret government information. Most of us use this method for much more peaceful purposes—towards our children and our partner, and to achieve business goals, which you will learn about later.

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Reverse psychology and children

When all else fails, parents often use reverse psychology techniques with their children.

Anyone who has children must have often experienced this method with them. Children very often do the exact opposite of what their parents want them to do. And like many of us, they don't like being told what to do.

In one experiment, 2-year-olds were forbidden to play with a certain toy. And now they suddenly really needed to play with her. Older children were asked to choose any picture out of five - but immediately after that they were told that one of them could not be chosen. And what is the result? The forbidden picture was urgently needed by everyone. Other studies also showed that special warning signs made the item very appealing to children, such as those that appear on screen during a TV show with images of violence.

So what's the point? Parents can use reverse psychology to keep their children's natural desire for independence from getting in the way of their rational desires. But parents should do it responsibly and selectively. If you use reverse psychology too often, it will become habitual and stop working. Your children will perceive you as a manipulator, which, of course, is not very good.

Also, never use "negative" reverse psychology, which can harm the child's personality. For example, never tell your child that you will hide his bike, because he cannot get into the garage without scratching the cars nearby. Choose positive and harmless forms of influence. For example, your daughter does not want to have dinner. Say that this is fine, but when dinner time is over, it will be time to sleep and she simply will not have time to eat.

Adolescents work well when you let them make their own choices. For example, if your 16-year-old wants to go to some suspicious activity, tell him or her that you can't force him or her to stay at home, even if you think it might be dangerous. So you will have to decide for yourself how it will be smarter to act. Thus, you will successfully resign, and in the end, the child may even listen to your advice.

"The paradoxical intervention does not give permission to the child to do what he wants, not his parent," says Raymond. “You just inspire a child to do wrong, and in the end it just becomes not interesting to him.”

Some psychologists oppose the use of reverse methods in all circumstances. Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a child clinical psychologist, says that if you praise your child for doing something you didn't ask for—for example, you told your son to keep growing his hair long, and he responded by doing short haircut - you teach him not to obey you. The child will also understand that what you say is not always true.

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Using Reverse Psychology in Relationships and Business

Sometimes in a relationship, partners avoid talking openly about certain topics and don't talk about their feelings and emotions. If you understand that this is happening in your couple, you can try to apply reverse psychology. Maybe your significant other is telling you that they want to take time out because you're too meticulous. Cheerfully let him know that you just realized that you probably put too much on him. And leave it alone for a while. Most likely, he will dramatically change his mind and your relationship will continue.

Or perhaps you are discussing whether or not to have children with your wife. You are firmly convinced that she wants children right now, but says that it would be wiser to wait a bit. You say, "Okay, let's wait a couple of years." Be prepared for what she suddenly says - let's not wait, let's go right now.

In the case of business, reverse psychology is most effective in sales. Don't use this technique to get people to buy what they don't need. But using it with buyers who are interested in your products is completely justified.

There are several ways to apply the reverse approach in sales. The first is "client disqualification". In this scenario, you're telling a customer that they can't afford or don't really need a particular product, expecting the customer to want that product even more.

For example, you are helping a couple find a car. You show them all the cars in the showroom except for the two expensive cars in the corner. They will ask you why they weren't shown these cars. You tell them that these cars are too expensive and it seems to you that, most likely, the couple will not be able to afford them. Buyers insist on watching and end up buying one to prove you wrong.

Another common technique is to ask the customer to rate your product on a scale of 1 to 10 after you have given the customer complete information about the product. The buyer evaluates the product at 7 points. You pretend to be surprised and say that, based on his reaction, you expected a mark of no higher than 3-4 points. Often, the client further argues his assessment and, as he explains, sells this product to himself.

High conversions!

From: science.howstuffworks.comimage source dave-h8fl

19-02-2016

Psychologist told how to break off relations with the daffodil-Moscow 24, 04/27/2021

April 27, 2021, 08:00

Society

Photo: Depositphotos/Syda_productions

Psychologist, specialist in in the field of individual psychological counseling and psychodiagnosis of personality, Daria Zakharova told Moscow 24 how to recognize a narcissist in a partner and break off relations with him.

The psychologist reported that narcissists confuse the concepts of love and admiration, so at the first stage of acquaintance they tend to please everyone and are very attractive. According to Zakharova, the first signal that you are dating a narcissist may be a large number of compliments from him.

At the very beginning of the acquaintance, the narcissist idealizes the partner. He showers him with compliments, spoils him with attention and gifts. So a person falls into the trap of dependence on relationships. Further, the narcissist discovers that his partner is not perfect. And here begins the depreciation of the partner, his successes and life.

Darya Zakharova

psychologist, specialist in the field of individual psychological counseling and personality psychodiagnostics

In addition, according to the psychologist, narcissists are very jealous, they like power over another person and treat him as property. At the same time, the narcissist himself can flirt in front of a partner and not feel guilty at the same time. These people are not capable of empathy and may be cruel, the expert noted.

According to Zakharova, both men and women can be narcissists, and anyone can fall under their spell.

People with stable self-esteem who trust their inner feelings recognize a narcissist fairly quickly and get out of such a relationship. The victims of the narcissist are kind and sympathetic people who are not prone to conflicts and quarrels, ready to sacrifice themselves, their interests and time in the name of relationships.

Daria Zakharova

psychologist, specialist in the field of individual psychological counseling and personality psychodiagnostics

According to the psychologist, financial dependence, low self-esteem, fear of revenge from a narcissist partner, psychological dependence and the illusion that the partner will change prevent you from breaking off relations with a narcissist. In addition, the fear of being alone and the fear of losing children can play a big role.

In order to break off a relationship with a narcissist, the psychologist recommends giving up hope that this person will change, despite all his vows of love and temporary changes in behavior. Also, don't blame yourself for being the victim of a narcissist, otherwise it will be harder for you to end this relationship.

It is important to enlist the support of those who will be your like-minded people and help you on the path of parting. These are friends, psychologists, lawyers. Look for support groups where you can find people who have been able to end similar relationships.

Daria Zakharova

psychologist, specialist in the field of individual psychological counseling and personality psychodiagnostics

The psychologist also recommends developing a plan for getting out of such relationships. With financial dependence, you need to start saving money in reserve, look for work, and receive additional education.

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