Dating borderline personality disorder
What to Expect — Talkspace
Dating someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be difficult at times, but it doesn’t have to be something that harms your relationship. BPD symptoms can include complex and unhealthy thought processes, anxiety, poor self-image, and dramatic mood swings. People with BPD are also more inclined to exhibit impulsive behavior or self-harm.
As challenging as these symptoms can be, they don’t mean you should give up on someone you care about just because they have a BPD diagnosis. It just means that both of your lives — and your relationship — will benefit if you educate yourself about the condition, symptoms, and what to expect.
“Dating someone with BPD may be challenging, but with the proper knowledge and guidance from a medical or mental health professional, it is possible.” – Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, LCSWC
Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S
Read on to learn helpful advice about dating someone with BPD.
What to Expect When Dating Someone with BPD
Borderline personality disorder usually manifests in the late teen years through early adulthood. We don’t fully understand what causes borderline personality disorder in teens or young adults, but it’s believed that it stems from multiple factors. What we do know is that it’s equally prevalent in both genders, and that family history, genetics, and some social risk factors can play a role in whether or not someone might develop this mental health condition.
The most important thing to take from the information here is that your partner’s symptoms are not a result of something you did, or didn’t do, in your relationship. Just like they can’t control their behavior as it relates to BPD, you have no control either. That said, you can learn to react and manage your role in the relationship for a healthier, happier partnership.
How does BPD affect romantic relationships?
Some of the more common symptoms of BPD — like self-worth issues, intimacy and trust difficulties, mood swings, and more — can be understandably damaging to a romantic relationship.
You can mitigate some of this, though, by knowing what to expect and heading off instances when you see certain thought processes or behaviors your partner is engaging in.
Some of the key BPD symptoms that can have a negative impact on relationships might include:
Fear of abandonment
A fear of abandonment is central to BPD. That can present obvious problems in a relationship, especially when you’re just getting to know someone and have no idea where things are heading.
Unfortunately, intense fear can lead to your partner being clingy or making unreasonable demands on your time. They may also tend to show signs of (often unfounded) jealousy, convincing themself that you’re going to leave or betray them.
Instability
Instability is common in relationships where one person has BPD. Many people with BPD are afraid of intimacy, so instead of getting too close to someone they fear might leave or hurt them, they push them away or withdraw from the relationship.
People with BPD can look for signs (real or imagined) that their romantic partner is smothering them, which can also lead to them withdrawing emotionally and physically from the relationship.
Intimacy disconnect
Substantial research estimates that between 40% – 70% of adults with BPD survived some type of sexual abuse during their childhood. It’s not believed that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is the sole cause of BPD. However, it is widely accepted that when combined with other risk factors, CSA is likely an important risk factor. Sexual abuse can cause life-long complications in relationships.
Intimacy impulsivity
Intimacy issues can also stem from the opposite of a disconnect — sexual impulsiveness is often found in people with BPD. They might engage in sexual behavior that occurs very early in a relationship, and they can be very casual encounters commonly with multiple sexual partners.
Lying
Lying, of course, is damaging to any relationship since it erodes trust.
When one partner has BPD, lies, and deception can be common. This might be because they view reality very differently from those around them. It’s not unusual if they don’t feel they’re lying at all, which can lead to unstable relationships.
Demands for attention followed by demands to be left alone
One of the key signs you’re dating someone with BPD is dramatic mood swings. One minute they’re demanding your attention, and the next they just want to be left alone. It can be difficult to know how to react, and it can feel impossible to not take these mood swings personally, but it will be an important coping skill for you to develop.
“Confrontations and arguments can be typical reactions seen in BPD relationships. The more you know about the condition, the easier it is to understand what triggers the person and how to help them.”
Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S
4 Ways to Support Your Partner if They Have BPD
Below are some tips for dating someone with BPD.
Learning how to help someone with BPD can be the difference between maintaining a successful, healthy relationship, or not.
“Educating yourself about the condition can make a difference. Recognize your partner is separate from their BPD and the person you love. Find patterns so you can be aware of triggers and how both of you respond to each other.”
Talkspace therapist Cynthia V. Catchings, LCSW-S
1. Learn as much as you can about BPD
Knowledge is always power, especially when it comes to this mental health condition. Learning as much as possible about borderline personality disorder is one of the best tips for dating someone with BPD that we can give.
By educating yourself, you’ll be able to recognize symptoms of BPD more easily. This is key, so you can learn to react appropriately and defuse potentially confrontational situations before they become a relationship-ending fight.
2. Be empathetic and patient
Empathy and patience go a long way in any relationship.
That’s especially true when you’re dating someone with borderline personality disorder.
When you keep in mind that your partner is terrified of your relationship on many levels, you can offer them the affection and assurance they need to feel safe. Make sure they know that you’re in it for the long haul. The good news is that over time, most people with BPD will get healthier once they commit to a BPD treatment plan and are in a supportive, loving environment.
3. Be reassuring
When you care about someone with BPD, it’s essential that compassion is a big part of your relationship. Learning to recognize they’re often coming from a place of being hurt can help. Try to remember this even when they’re acting in ways you struggle to understand, or when their impulsive behavior seems unfounded. It’s the BPD at work, not their true feelings.
We’ve already mentioned that one of the signs you’re dating someone with BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. The best thing you can do to combat this fear is to reassure them that you care about them, you enjoy their company, and you want to spend time with them.
Yes, this can be exhausting at times, but it’ll go a long way in preserving and protecting your relationship.
4. Work on your communication skills
Every relationship can benefit from working on communication skills. Communication is even more important when it comes to having a partner with BPD. It’s easy to get defensive, take things personally, and shut down when we’re hurt.
The intensity of emotions and reactions is more magnified when you’re involved with someone who has BPD. They can easily view your communication issues as a sign that you’re getting ready to break up with them, whether it’s justified or not. Keeping the lines of communication open will be incredibly important.
Getting Support in Your Relationship
The last thing to stress is that you really need to take care of yourself and your partner. You can find support by:
- Reaching out to BPD support groups, either in person or online
- Seeking online therapy for yourself
- Developing and nurturing healthy relationships outside your romantic partnership
Having a rewarding relationship with someone with BPD is possible; you just need to meet them where they are and understand where they’re coming from.
See references
- Sansone, MD R, Sansone, MD L. Gender Patterns in Borderline Personality Disorder.
- Saldanha D, Menon P, Chaudhari B, Devabhaktuni S, Bhattacharya L. Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder.
- Sansone, MD R, Sansone, MD L. Sexual Behavior in Borderline Personality. Innov Clin Neurosci. 2011;8(2):14-18.
7 Things to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder
Have you started dating someone with borderline personality disorder? Was your partner recently diagnosed? The extreme shifting emotions that accompany the condition can often lead to intensity and instability. This article can help you learn more about this disorder and offers recommendations for navigating your relationship while also providing emotional support to your partner.
Jump Ahead:
- What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?
- Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
- Is It Bipolar Disorder?
- Treatments for BPD
- How Can BPD Affect Romantic Relationships?
What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a highly prevalent mental health disorder characterized by mood instability and difficulty regulating emotion.
Approximately 2% of the United States population has BPD. While the causes of BPD are still not well understood, psychologists believe that it may be linked to genetics, brain abnormalities and environmental factors.
Someone with BPD may experience intense anger, depression and anxiety and find it more challenging to return to an emotional baseline. When something bad happens, it can be challenging for someone with BPD to process everyday emotions and bounce back from an emotional setback.
Symptoms of BPD
BPD impacts the way you feel and think about yourself and others. Some notable symptoms of BPD include the following:
- Suicidal threats, suicidal behavior or self-injury
- Intense fear of abandonment or rejection
- Periods of stress-related paranoia and irrational thoughts
- Highly reactive and extended mood swings
- Ongoing feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
- Inappropriate or intense anger
- Feelings of dissociation
- Impulsive and risky behavior such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, substance abuse, binge eating or spending sprees
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If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm, seek help right away by calling the confidential and toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
In an emergency, dial 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Is It Bipolar Disorder?
BPD is often accompanied by other mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance abuse. However, many people believe they have bipolar disorder when they have BPD or vice versa due to their similarities. Symptoms of both BPD and bipolar disorder include mood swings and impulsiveness. However, unlike BPD, the mood swings of bipolar disorder can last for weeks or months and are not triggered by external conflicts or upsetting life events.
While BPD causes people to experience abrupt swings in mood, self-image, behavior and relationships from moment to moment, bipolar disorder is defined by alternating periods of depression and mania. These two disorders also require vastly different treatment plans.
Treatments for BPD
For the best prognosis, you should encourage your partner living with BPD to seek and stick to a treatment that will help them make healthier lifestyle choices and develop better coping mechanisms.
Two popular and effective forms of psychotherapy used to treat BPD symptoms include:
- Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can help people with BPD be more mindful of their emotional states and irrational thoughts. DBT can help someone learn how to control their intense emotions and reduce self-destructive behaviors.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help people identify and change problematic core beliefs and behaviors and better manage their symptoms.
Exploring options for therapy can be a substantial first step in taking charge of your and your loved one’s mental health together.
How Can BPD Affect Romantic Relationships?
People with BPD tend to have intense and highly reactive moods. They often have intense, unstable and conflicted relationships with others marked by turmoil and dysfunction from constant emotional ups and downs.
So what are some tips you can keep in mind when facing these potential challenges?
1.
Set Firm Limits and BoundariesBy learning to communicate your limits and thoughts to your partner, you will protect yourself from having to handle potential unhealthy behavior in the future. Remain calm and level-headed when establishing what you will and will not do and tolerate.
2. Practice Self-Care
People with BPD may move quickly from feelings of idealization to devaluation regarding their partner and are more likely to terminate relationships than people without BPD. If you are dating someone with BPD, you may find it easy to blame yourself for your partner’s erratic actions and symptoms.
During emotional crises, it’s important to remember to rest, eat healthily, exercise and reach out to others to maintain your own well-being. A strong support network and in-person or online professional counseling services will also benefit both you and your partner during times of conflict or high stress.
3. Understand Your Partner May Have Been Abused
Many people with BPD were exposed to stressful childhood experiences, such as abandonment, adversity, abuse and neglect.
Other people with BPD may have also been exposed to unstable, invalidating and hostile relationships. While people who have been abused or neglected have a higher risk of developing BPD, not all people living with BPD have experienced abuse.
4. Learn Better Communication Skills
Practicing open communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. To prevent miscommunications and your partner from getting defensive, you and your partner must develop trust and insight into each other’s feelings and experiences. Rather than accusing your partner of overreacting, make sure you listen actively and try to understand where your partner is coming from.
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5. Be Prepared to Offer Validation
It’s easy for people with BPD to feel insecure about themselves and their relationships. They often experience abandonment sensitivity as well as a tendency to withdraw from relationships due to a fear of intimacy.
If your partner has BPD, they may constantly watch for signs that you might leave them, experience intense periods of jealousy and interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent.
When your partner communicates their feelings, make them feel heard and show compassion for what they are experiencing regardless of whether you agree or disagree.
6. Encourage Responsibility
Rather than filling the role of caretaker for your partner, you should encourage them to take responsibility and accountability for themselves and their actions. Encouraging responsibility can even strengthen a relationship. Your partner needs to be committed to healing and improving themselves. Doting on your partner can instill an unhealthy dynamic into the relationship. Furthermore, you need to remember that you cannot change, control or cure your partner.
7. Remember That Managing BPD Takes Time
Anyone living with BPD can still lead satisfying lives and take pleasure in long-term relationships and even life partnerships. With the proper treatment and support, people with BPD can and do have healthy and happy relationships. Setting realistic and practical goals for improvement is central to making your relationship work.
You can educate yourself about BPD, seek professional help for yourself and your partner and offer unconditional emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
Find Supportive BPD Treatment Today
If you are struggling to manage your romantic relationship with someone with BPD, consider professional counseling. Taylor Counseling Group can provide you and your partner with the couples counseling you need to grow together and cope with relationship complications safely and productively.
You can choose any of our nine Central Texas locations to meet in person with a counselor, and we also provide an option for remote telehealth. Schedule an appointment for counseling with Taylor Counseling Group today for affordable, reliable and accessible care for you and your partner.
Related Articles & Resources
- How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member
- Mental Health vs. Mental Illness
- What Is Bipolar Disorder?: Understanding The Phases
- Individual Counseling
- Couples Counseling
Borderline personality and relationship disorder, how to be around a border guard, communication tips
RELATIONS WITH THE “BORDER GUARD”
“People with a difficult character” – who are they? Is there a so-called complex character hidden behind ambiguous actions (and then this should be taken for granted) or is it a manifestation of the peculiarities of the psyche? It's not always the same.
Sometimes behind bad deeds, strange or antisocial behavior, there really is a disorder of mental activity. And until it is diagnosed and treated, all areas of life will suffer, including relationships.
“Against whom, girls, are you friends?”
- Nastya, listen to me, send her to the ban. She will betray you again and again.
The telephone conversation between Nastya and Sasha exceeded twenty minutes - all this time Sasha was ardently and emotionally discussing how ugly their mutual friend behaved with Nastya.
She brought more and more arguments to confirm that the whole story of her acquaintance with this "unpleasant person" is a series of intrigues and set-ups woven by her.
It was strange for Nastya. Until recently, Sasha and Sveta - that was the name of this "center of evil" - were friends like water. Moreover, it was Sasha who introduced Nastya to Sveta, recommending the latter as a wonderful person, interesting and very sociable.
Why all of a sudden such changes in such a short time?
— She was always like that, you just didn't notice. Lying, petty and very, very vile, Sasha continued to denounce.
— But you were so friendly…, — Nastya timidly tried to recall the very recent past.
- Friends??? Yes, she was never my friend, it was just beneficial for her to be around. As long as I had money. And now it’s worse with them, so she went over to another company.
Nastya listened in confusion. Do you believe Sasha? Is their mutual friend really such a monster? And Nastya herself does not understand people at all?
Actually, Nastya is all right. She tries to make her own impression of her acquaintances and does not judge them by one act. Especially from other people's words. So it's perfectly normal to doubt her case. But about the accuser, Sasha, I want to talk a little more.
Some of what Nastya has just learned about Sasha is on the list of symptoms of one of the personality disorders, the so-called borderline disorder.
The fact that Sasha is a “border guard” cannot be considered a 100% fact: the above conversation of the girls contains too little data. However, let's find out more about Sasha.
So, from the beginning of this story, we already know that Nastya was surprised by three things: nothing remained of what Sasha liked so much at first.
- the swiftness with which Sasha was subdued at one time by her new acquaintance - and with the same swiftness she overthrew Sveta, branding her deceitful and vile.
- Sasha's confidence that the only possible reason for Sveta's distance is selfish interest.
Nastya herself adhered to the point of view that a person is a complex and multifaceted creature, he contains both honey and tar, and in indefinite proportions, and it is not always so necessary to immediately break off relations.
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by rapid mood swings and is a disorder of emotional stability. At the same time, the “border guards” blame others both for spoiling their mood and for ruining their relationship.
Another sign is a “black and white” perception of reality, without halftones and shades.
Other signs of borderline personality disorder include feelings of inner emptiness and worthlessness, intense fear of losing meaningful relationships, fear of being rejected. People with BPD are prone to suicidal behavior or self-harm. The internal vacuum often leads to involvement in bad companies, risky behavior, addictions to psychoactive substances.
Learn more about how BPD manifests itself in women and men.
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Girl, this is the bottom! — Such cases
I am a “border guard” Everything that is written here is personal experience. I hope it will be useful to someone, and maybe it will support someone in the decision to seek help
The psyche is torn to pieces, the hands are painted with scars from a kitchen knife, nervous breakdowns happen once or twice a week, and the panacea for everything that happens is alcohol.
This is my May 2007. By that time, my biography does not include group sex and hard drugs. And my life seems to be the most shitty thing you can think of.
At some point it will become clear: I can't cope. Having stepped over anger and shame, I will come to my father and ask him to find a psychotherapist for me. In a couple of weeks, sitting in a large leather chair and looking into the eyes of a psychologist, I will hear the verdict: borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Complete set
Everything before now seems like a story about someone else, and I don't want to reread it. But you can't do without a brief summary.
They say about such teenagers “tear it off and throw it away”. I study easily, but I spit on the educational process so much that I barely get a C-level certificate.
Scandals happen in our house almost every day. My father and I are trying to determine who still decides what my life should be like - him or me. We say a lot of terrible things to each other.
For some of them I still cannot forgive myself, for others - him. I know: he loves me, but as soon as he starts screaming, I burst out of fear and cannot stop.
I'm dating a guy I don't like, but we plan to get married when I turn eighteen. We will part two months before this date, and I will close myself in my room for six months.
A year before, I would get angry with my friend and, in order not to harm her, I would cut my hands. They will joke with me: “Anna, if she wanted to cut herself, she had to cut from the other side!” I did not want. I wanted it to hurt. Then it calmed me down.
Every evening you can find me where guys in torn jeans and leather jackets huddle together: Fox, Maurice, Hobbes, Hemp, Count, Gicha, Catastrophe... There are dozens of nicknames, but there are practically no names behind them. I don't ask about them.
I enter a paid law school, but run away from there: I can’t stand the legal clerk and home reports on my progress.
Online, I meet a person who lives on the other side of the Atlantic.
In a year and a half, he will drop everything and rush to my city, about which he knows practically nothing. Nice start, right? In another three months, he will try to strangle me - just like that, without any aggression or malice. He will be interested in what I feel, how I behave.
I listen to heavy music, walk around wastelands at night, become attached to the first person who gives me at least a little attention, and start to hate him as soon as I understand that the dose will not be increased.
I will see how long and hard it will be for my beloved grandparents to leave the world. The brother will commit suicide. A childhood friend is accidentally pushed into a pond by another friend, forgetting that the first one cannot swim. One friend will be stabbed to death in a stupid railway station fight, another will freeze to death on Christmas Eve, having overdosed on who knows what.
From my fifteen, all this will be flooded with an endless stream of alcohol. Even poisoning, after which I will come to my senses only with the help of an injection of adrenaline, will not stop, but will only aggravate this nightmare.
Twelve years from now, I will be writing this text, amazed and not believing that all this really happened in my life.
Welcome to the bottom
May 2007, almost twenty. I sit at home for weeks, barricading the door, and then hitchhiking to neighboring cities. My strategy at that time was to get drunk and forget. My mood changes every half an hour. I snap at those around me for the smallest reasons. I am ashamed of my behavior, but this only makes it worse. I don’t trust anyone, I get angry at everything and everyone, I no longer understand who I am, and I think about death too often. At some point, through the chaos going on in my head, the only sane thought breaks through: everything, girl, is the bottom. Then there will be narcology at best, a psychiatric hospital at worst.
My father had a talent for finding good people. Anna Vladimirovna became the third psychotherapist in my life. The first two attempts, which happened a few years before we met, were unsuccessful: I obviously frightened one psychologist, and I was completely indifferent to the second.
This time it was different. I grabbed therapy like a straw that should keep me at all costs. I didn’t care about diplomas or certificates, in which I didn’t understand anything. But in that office I was met by a woman who knew how to listen attentively, looking into her eyes, calmly ask questions and smoothly, almost imperceptibly direct the conversation so that I myself found first my tasks, and then their solutions. I wanted to trust her.
After several tests and tests, I was told my diagnosis. I didn't even take it seriously, didn't attach any importance. The preliminary conclusion given to me in my hands frightened me with something else - a complete discrepancy between reality and my ideas about myself. Despite all my problems, I considered myself at least an adult and reasonable. In reality, there was something unformed, lacking the skills to interact with the outside world, unaware of its own boundaries and the boundaries of those around it, entangled and split into some fragments, fragments, fragments.
I read the conclusion and tried to put it out of my head as quickly as possible, focusing on my first important goal - to stop grabbing the bottle as a cure for all problems.
The Miracle That Didn't Happen
For two years in a row, twice a week, I sat in Anna Vladimirovna's office, trying to comprehend what was happening to my life and expecting changes. I talked about our relationship with parents, friends, about the men who appeared in my life, about joyful and frightening moments for me. It seemed to me that with each visit I become better, more conscious, more balanced. But as soon as any trouble happened, I broke down again.
Illustration: Vlad Milushkin for Trade House
Over time, such breakdowns became less and less. I became interested in yoga, began to read a lot, tried to analyze everything that was happening to me, and kept diaries. I decided on the profession that I want to get, and entered the philological faculty in order to leave it six years later with a diploma in journalism.
But I preferred to bypass the most pressing questions, focusing on immediate needs and problems. Yes, my behavior changed for the better, I set myself the simplest tasks and achieved them. I began to treat alcohol more calmly, stopped seeing a potential enemy in every person, and seriously took up my studies. But I dreamed of being cured, I dreamed of a miracle that would turn my life around and make me happy. It never happened.
And in June 2009, dad died. The world really turned upside down, and then crumbled into pieces of a puzzle that had to be reassembled.
To prove that everything is not in vain
After the death of his father, regular therapy had to be stopped: there was no money. For the next eight years, I appeared in Anna Vladimirovna’s office once every few months, proving not to her, but to myself that those two years were not in vain: I can manage.
During this time, I managed to work as an HR specialist, a sales assistant, a realtor, and a reporter for a local weekly.
In 2011, at the suggestion of a close friend, I moved to Moscow. For two and a half years I was spinning in an unfamiliar city, working either as a copywriter or as a support operator for one of the mobile applications, while continuing to study. There were practically no breakdowns - the new living conditions forced me to be careful. In 2014, I finally received a diploma and got a job at the editorial office of one of the capital's newspapers.
The next three years passed in a permanent rush, anxiety and tension. Although I loved my job, it did not fit well with what was going on in my head. Vaguely remembering my diagnosis, I did not realize the real scale of the problem. Gradually all the old symptoms began to return. Again it seemed to me that the world turned against me. Ordinary work issues turned into a tragedy on a universal scale, the people around seemed either the closest friends, or enemies, waiting for the right moment to set me up. The mood rushed along the terrible amplitude from the inner ISS to the bottom of the personal Mariana Trench.
I got really scared in 2016 when I started getting drunk once every few months until I lost touch with reality, and then lashed out at people. Friends, acquaintances and colleagues gradually began to move away or even reduced communication with me to "no".
Going to the second round
By the fall of 2017, I had become the most unbearable version of myself of all possible. Apart from work, there is nothing left in my life. I came to the office early in the morning, and the devil knows what time I came back. Approaching our building, everything was already shrinking inside. I tried to get used to the constant screaming, rush, nervousness, lightning-fast task changes, impulsive leadership, but I never managed. Every day I exhausted myself to zero. On weekends, I either lay face down on the pillow or continued to work. I was terribly jealous of my colleagues who managed to adapt to the artificially frantic rhythm of our life, but I myself could not do that. In the end, I stopped sleeping normally - I woke up four or five times a night to feel like a weakling and a wreck in the morning, which hurts everything that can hurt.
I felt weak, and it is beyond words how she annoyed me. I got more and more angry, and at some point I broke down.
I yelled at people around me with or without reason. My reactions were unpredictable. Having started the day in a great mood, by lunchtime I was furious, and by the evening I felt like a small offended child. I had neither the strength nor the desire to restrain myself. It was hard to work with me, it was almost impossible to communicate. I have become a person who infuriates everything and who infuriates everyone.
I failed again. Ten years after my first psychotherapy session, I returned. But now I clearly knew: you need to work with the cause, and not with the consequences. I was waiting for my old diagnosis, from which I had turned away for so long - borderline personality disorder.
Anna Vladimirovna stayed in my hometown and conducted a personal reception. I didn’t know Moscow specialists, and besides, I understood: with a new therapist, I would have to start everything from the very beginning.
And I wanted to continue working with a person who knows me and whom I trust. Anna Vladimirovna met me halfway and agreed to an online consultation.
After a couple of months, I managed to find a quieter job, so that permanent jobs and stress no longer distract from the main goal - to figure out the crooked settings in my own head.
My brother, Anakin
In his guide to mental disorders for urban residents, Crazy! Daria Varlamova and Anton Zainiev tell how scientists from the University of Toulouse Hospital and the French Center for Applied Psychology Research found a number of symptoms of borderline personality disorder in Anakin Skywalker. Experts came to the conclusion that it was it, and not the dark side of the Force, that turned the hope of the Jedi into Darth Vader. Of course, not everyone agreed with them, but I like this version.
Borderline disorder has nine main symptoms: intolerance to loneliness, tense and contrasting relationships with others, problems with self-identification, impulsive and dangerous behavior, severe mood swings (emotional swings), poorly controlled outbursts of anger and aggression, paranoid or dissociative symptoms in a state of high stress, a constant feeling of inner emptiness and suicidal tendencies.
If you find at least five signs from this list in yourself, you should see a specialist. In my case, there was a combo - all nine.
At the same time, "border guards" are divided into two large groups: high-functioning and low-functioning. I am among the first. Such people can take care of themselves: get an education, find a decent job, hobbies, friends, love. But, as practice shows, if you let everything take its course, the symptoms of BPD will poison the life of both the “border guard” and his loved ones.
The situation is further complicated by the fact that there are no drugs for borderline disorder. But the good news is that there are pills for depression, anxiety, and the eating disorders that often accompany BPD. Removing them means making your life much easier. But the “borderline” itself will have to be dealt with in psychotherapy. There is no other option.
Box with slides
Anna Vladimirovna was in no hurry. Therapy for borderline disorder is a long history, averaging five to seven years.
But I wanted to deal with it as soon as possible, take a risk and complete this five-year plan in three years.
I had to remember and once again live everything that is briefly described at the beginning of this text, and much more. Each memory was like a slide that had been gathering dust in a box behind me for many years, and now caught in the beams of an internal spotlight so that I could see it in detail. If anyone still thinks that this process is a pleasant pastime, I assure you: you are mistaken.
A flurry of memories, associations and images came crashing down on me. The first six months were a real test of strength. I had dreams about events ten or even twenty years ago. Suddenly, I remembered people whom I had not seen for many years and hardly ever met, and began to have exhausting conversations with them in my own head. Each time I came to the consultation with a long list of questions to discuss. It rarely included less than ten items. Fears, doubts, guilt, shame for events that have nothing to do with my current life, false memories and incorrect interpretations of the actions of people dear to me, resentment, complexes, desires, ambitions - we gradually pulled everything out of my box and mercilessly threw away the unnecessary .
My head was buzzing and cracking at the seams, but I did not stop. I really got angry at the disorder that had plagued me for so many years. It worked, and consciousness, albeit reluctantly and with a creak, began to change.
It didn't work out smoothly. At times I was angry with Anna Vladimirovna, disappointed in what we were doing, I was ready to give up everything, despaired, but then I pulled myself together and moved on.
One of the most serious things that I had to realize during the first year of our work is that my “borderline” will stay with me forever. This is not a disease, but a feature of the development of the psyche. All I can do is accept it, study it and learn how to use this tool correctly.
Illustration: Vlad Milushkin for Trade House
The second conclusion came as a surprise: being a "border guard" revealed a number of advantages that I had not noticed before. Behind the nine monster symptoms was the ability to devote oneself to one's favorite business with one's head, to receive impressions of that brightness and intensity that are familiar only to teenagers, sensitivity to changes in the mood of others, a lot of energy that just needs to be channeled into a constructive channel.
And this is not a complete list.
The third acquisition was awareness. Gradually, I learned to set my own and respect other people's boundaries, recognize emotions and manage outbursts of anger, not demand far-fetched "ideality" from myself and those around me, respect my real self and accept people as they are. I finally began to ask myself what I really want, and not to participate in "hidden contracts", the conditions of which I was not initiated. I also realized that if there is too much aggression inside, then it's time to go to the pool or the gym. The main thing is without fanaticism.
Where there was fear, there will be nothing...*
At the end of Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts' character confesses: "I love eggs benedict and hate them in all other ways!" This phrase comes to mind every time I think about what therapy has led me to.
December 2019. I am thirty two years old. I do what I love most in the world - I create texts and tell stories that, perhaps, change something in the world around me.
And I don't want to do anything else.
I am an ordinary city dweller with a daily hustle on the subway, a job I love, a few interesting projects, an annual membership to the fitness center, a love of books, music, walking, coffee in pleasant company and a mortgage: this year I decided it was time to get my own home, where no one will ever tell me: "There is nothing of yours here."
For twelve years I have known about my borderline disorder, but I am no longer afraid of it, just as I am not afraid to talk about it openly, for example, in my telegram channel "Borderpost". This is not a brand. Yes, I am a highly functional "border guard". It is a fact. But this is not the main thing.
It is much more important to understand that I am an accomplished journalist, a beloved daughter and a good friend, according to those who spent many years with me. Among my friends there are people with whom we have known for more than ten and even fifteen years. There are those who came into my life relatively recently, but, apparently, do not plan to leave it.
The loneliness that I feared for so long is a phantom, fiction, self-deception. It's time to stop believing in ghosts.
I can't say that I went through my box of slides to the end. I think there are a couple more unpleasant surprises waiting for me at the bottom, but I already know what to do with them. I am no longer afraid of the past, and I am not ashamed of it. It was what it was. I don't have a time machine to change something in it. But I know where I once drove myself, how to get out of there and how to cut off all the ways back. By the way, I no longer have problems with alcohol - I don't want to either forget or run away.
Fear is gone, leaving room for a keen interest in everything that surrounds me. Following him, the emotional swing also left, giving the opportunity to feel the balance and ordinary calmness.
No matter how much time passes, my emotions will not lose their brightness. I will experience every event with full dedication. But now I know that all experiences are temporary.
