How to survive cheating in a relationship
How to Deal with and Get Over an Affair
These steps are the slow and careful way to surviving infidelity, but if you and your spouse work together, you can rebuild your relationship.
Our editors and experts handpick every product we feature. We may earn a commission from your purchases.
Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard, painful work; both of you must be committed to repairing the damage, rebuilding trust, and reconnecting. The unfaithful spouse must be willing to stop the affair, provide all details honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove his or her trustworthiness. (Here are the signs you have a cheating spouse). The betrayed spouse must take the job of healing seriously—by not minimizing or trying to speed up the process and, at times, by setting aside overwhelming anger and despair in order to learn more about what’s happened. Stopping secrecy and building a more honest union are the keys.
wavebreakmedia/ShutterstockIf you both make a commitment to follow these strategies with your whole heart, your marriage has a good chance of surviving infidelity—and emerging stronger on the other side.
1. Promise to stop the affair—and to stop seeing your lover—immediately
Agree to sever all contact. This lifts secrecy and creates a sense of safety for the betrayed spouse. Stopping an affair and surviving infidelity goes beyond no dinner dates or sex. All phone calls, in-person conversations, and quick coffee breaks together must stop. If you work with the person with whom you had an affair, keep your encounters strictly businesslike—and tell your spouse everything that happens. Avoid private lunch dates and closed-door meetings. It’s also important to report any chance meetings with your former lover to your spouse before he or she asks about it. Talk about your conversation. If your former lover contacts you, announce that too. This will help rebuild trust in your relationship.
2. Answer any and all questions
More marriage experts agree that couples heal better after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or her betrayed partner.
In one study of 1,083 betrayed husbands and wives, those whose spouses were the most honest felt better emotionally and reconciled more completely, reports affairs expert Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, who developed the international Beyond Affairs Network. “I’ve talked with plenty of people who say with pride that they never talked about the affair,” she says. “That’s not healing. You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover. My own husband had 12 affairs over seven years. I’m convinced the main reason I recovered was his willingness to answer all of my questions.” It’s counterintuitive—many spouses (and therapists) think that going over the details will only further upset the aggrieved partner. Truth is, willingness to talk rebuilds trust. The key? Not holding back—no more secrets. If you leave out details that emerge later, your spouse may feel newly betrayed.
Here’s what else you should do if you’re caught cheating.
3. Show your spouse empathy, no matter what
The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows when the betrayed spouse gets emotional about the pain caused by the affair, according to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Use these tips to increase your empathy.
4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes
Though all couples should improve and strengthen their listening skills, it’s especially important in a situation of infidelity. You can’t speed up your spouse’s healing process, and you shouldn’t ever negate its significance. Be ready to answer questions at any time, even months or years after the affair has ended. And listen to his or her reactions without anger or blame—this is key for surviving infidelity.
5. Take responsibility
Blaming your partner for the affair won’t heal your marriage. Showing sincere regret and remorse will.
Apologize often and vow to never commit adultery again. It may seem obvious to you that you’ll never stray again, but your spouse may have worries, so renew your commitment to your spouse as your one-and-only.
Your partner may be in deep pain or shock. Expect tears, rage, and anger.
wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock9 Steps for the Betrayed SpouseYou want to scream and rail at your partner. You want all the details about the affair. Above all, you want the secrecy to stop. These strategies can help you find what you need to heal, to repair your marriage, and to move forward with your life.
1. Ask lots of questions
At first, you may want all the factual details: How often did you meet? When did you cross the line from friends to lovers? What sexual acts did you share? How many times? Where? How much money did you spend on him or her? Who else knows about your affair? Later, your questions may shift as you think about your partner’s emotions, about the reasons he or she was pushed and pulled into the affair, about whether the affair has turned a spotlight on a hidden weakness in your own marriage.
2. Balance your rage with your need for information
You want to scream, cry, and lash out—but big emotions may prevent your spouse from making the full disclosure that leads to recovery and surviving infidelity. Now, it’s more important than ever that you improve communication with your partner. To get the truth (and form a tighter connection with your spouse), be compassionate about your partner’s emotions. “When you get all the facts, you’re not obsessed anymore,” Vaughan says. “The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who’ve had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they’re worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions.” If one of you becomes upset, it’s time to stop the discussion for now.
nd3000/Shutterstock
3. Set a time limit on affair talk
Restrict yourselves to 15 to 30 minutes. Don’t let the affair take over your lives.
Do ask questions as they arise instead of building up resentment and long lists of questions. “Don’t let your worries go underground. Keep talking,” Vaughan says.
4. Expect curveballs
The spouse who had the affair may become angry or even accuse you of betraying him or her. Keep the focus on the affair itself.
5. Talk about how the affair has affected you
Discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger, and sadness about surviving infidelity. As your partner builds a wall between him- or herself and the former lover, help open a window of intimacy between the two of you. Don’t hold back.
6. Don’t forgive quickly or easily
You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust. Before you can truly forgive your spouse, find out what science can teach us about forgiveness.
7. Find support
Reconnecting with family and friends, and even finding a support group to join, can help you feel less isolated while you’re in the middle of surviving infidelity.
8. Spend time together without talking about the affair
Connect as friends and romantic partners by doing the things you’ve always enjoyed. Need ideas? Start out with some of these daily habits of couples in healthy relationships.
9. Forgive only when you’re ready
You’ll never forget an affair, but the painful memories will fade with time. Forgiveness allows you to move past the pain and rage and to reconcile with your partner. Take this important step only when you feel ready to let go of your negative feelings, when your partner has been completely honest and has taken steps to rebuild your trust.
Excerpted from 7 Stages of Marriage
Popular Videos
ⓘ
Signs of Cheating: How to Tell You've Got a Cheating Spouse
Is your partner stepping out? Pay attention to these potential signs of infidelity.
1 / 12
iStock/KatarzynaBialasiewicz
They come home later
Are you used to your husband or wife arriving home by 6 p.
m. to share a much-needed end-of-day martini or help with dinner, baths, and bedtime? A sudden change in that routine may be a sign of cheating. “When someone stops coming home at the regular time, on a regular basis, be wary,” says dating and relationship advice and etiquette expert April Masini. “When a schedule changes and there’s no comment about why or what he or she is doing differently, it may be because your spouse is cheating on you.” Some people will offer an excuse for their change in routine—like going to the gym late because it’s less crowded (and because you’re less likely to question the “post-workout shower”), says Masini. Already know you have a cheating spouse? These are the 15 steps to surviving an affair.
2 / 12
iStock/SolStock
Date night has been replaced by a new guys-only club
Not cool. Date night is a hallmark of marriage, so when your date night with your spouse disappears, it might be because they’re having a date night with someone else.
According to Masini, author of Think & Date Like a Man, a more experienced cheating spouse will keep your date night, but end it early because they have a “work issue” or a “poker game” that runs until after midnight. “Breaking up the night to make time for date night with another lady is one way you’ll know you’re with someone who’s probably cheating,” she says. Don’t miss these secrets marriage counselors won’t tell you for free.
3 / 12
iStock/MachineHeadz
They no longer want you to do laundry
While this sounds like a break for you, this may be one of the signs of cheating. “When your spouse stops letting you do his or her laundry or drop off his or her dry cleaning, you often have a cheating situation on your hands,” says Masini. “There may be evidence on the clothes or in the pockets, and it’s much safer for someone who’s cheating to handle their own laundry and dry cleaning.” She says to pay attention to a spouse who acts like they’re doing you a favor because it’s more about keeping a secret.
4 / 12
iStock/lucky336
You found a credit card in your spouse’s name you didn’t know about
Most married couples have joint accounts or share information about family finances. There are budgets to consider and conversations about spending before a big purchase. “When you find a credit card, you’ve got a smoking gun,” Masini says. “Unless this is a work credit card, which you’d probably know about, a secret credit card is pretty hard and fast evidence that you’ve got a cheating spouse.” This is the day of the week your partner is most likely to cheat.
5 / 12
iStock/Martin Dimitrov
Your spouse is too cool about the cell phone
Most women who think their man is having an affair will immediately ask to see their phone to scroll through texts and incoming/outgoing calls. Don’t be fooled if he lets you, says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, MD, author of the book The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity.
“If he gives you full access, it’s a sign he may have a second phone,” Dr. Haltzman says. Similarly, these are the 10 things your partner should never ask you to do.
6 / 12
iStock/Nadya Lukic
Or, he won’t let you near his phone
Helen, a married mom with a toddler son, says her husband never had a password on his phone because their child loved accessing the fun apps. All of a sudden that changed, and when Helen asked for the four-digit code, her husband declined and typed it in privately. Red flag alert! This is definitely one of the signs of cheating. “Something is definitely wrong,” says Laurie Puhn, JD, a couples mediator in private practice in New York City and author of the book Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. Passwords should be shared in a marriage; there are random times when you need the phone number for the plumber and it’s in your husband’s phone or email account, or you need to check an e-receipt that was sent to your husband.
“It’s not that you need a list of his passwords, but should you ask for one—for a legitimate reason—he should give it to you,” says Puhn. This should not be a big deal. By not telling you the code, your spouse may be admitting to a secret of some sort.
7 / 12
iStock/BraunS
Your marriage has turned sexless
“Not wanting to have sex anymore—or a lot less than usual—can mean many things, including that he or she might be cheating,” says Puhn. “Essentially if your partner is pulling away from you.” Now, this might not be one of the signs of cheating; this could also be because he is focused on an upsetting job situation, financial stress, or a family health issue, but whatever the reason, you must bring it up soon, with warmth and tact. “Let him know that you noticed a difference and try to rekindle with daily hugs, warm smiles, a touch on the back and, of course, pursue sex. See if this opens the door to a warm heartfelt conversation.
”
8 / 12
iStock/andresr
Your husband is suddenly Mr. Gift Giver
A “just because” spa gift card or new purse—completely unrelated to a birthday, anniversary, or work promotion—could be a lovely surprise, or it could be a clue that your partner is feeling guilty about something and trying to compensate. “Have a direct conversation,” advises Puhn. You could say something like: “It’s only been in the last few months that you are bringing me surprise presents. While this is thoughtful, I am wondering if something led you to start doing this?” See what he says and watch how he acts. “Also, look for other clues, like if he cancels plans and those long-stem roses are some sort of consolation prize.” It could signal you’ve got a cheating spouse on your hands.
9 / 12
iStock/svariophoto
He has a special Facebook friend
Nicole sat down to her family computer and up popped a big surprise: a message from a woman that read, “I can’t stop thinking about you, baby.
When will I see you again?” Face it: Social media friends don’t message like that. They congratulate each other on the birth of a new baby or a cool vacation photo. When the conversation gets racy, it’s one of the very clear signs of cheating. “Most cheaters these days are caught via text or on social media,” says dating and relationship expert Rachel Russo. “When women snoop on a man or accidentally find something, it’s often what they suspected. There could be incriminating photos, texts, or a call history that would prove to be evidence of an affair.” These are the 10 things never to do after your partner cheats.
10 / 12
iStock/Paolo Cipriani
There are blackouts
“I’m not talking about someone being unconscious,” says Masini. “I’m talking about a spouse having blackout periods where you don’t know where he or she is, you can’t reach them, and you don’t get a viable explanation about where they’ve been or why they didn’t respond to a call or text.
” It takes two seconds to send a text and it’s not normal for a married or seriously committed couple to be out of touch for hours wondering what the heck is going on.
11 / 12
iStock/SolStock
They ditch family time with the kids
“When a partner starts pulling away from people and occasions that are usually a high priority, it could be a cause for concern,” says relationship expert Amy Spencer, author of Meeting Your Half-Orange. “Every person is unique in how they balance work and family, so the key lies in whether or not a behavior is ‘so not like him.’” Work does get in the way of family occasions, Spencer acknowledges, and let’s be honest, sometimes it’s a handy “get out of jail free card” for family events he might not be as into. “But if your partner has always enjoyed BBQs with the family and kids, and if work has never gotten in the way of events like this before, it raises a red flag.
”
12 / 12
iStock/Geber86
They have new hobbies that exclude you
“Of course it’s wonderful if a partner takes on a new hobby, especially one that contributes to his/her health,” says Spencer of this one of our signs of cheating. “But there are two causes for concern. First, if they appear to dive into a hobby out of the blue, rather than talking about the hobby a lot or easing slowly into it. And second, if they devote an unusual amount of hours or efforts to it.” For example, a person who suddenly begins running every night for stretches as long as three hours. One way to gauge the truth is to tell your partner that you support his hobby and it would be nice to follow along on their progress. Then, think about how a person who really is devoted to running would respond. They would likely be proud to share the route they’re mapping out or the time they’re trying to beat. “If your partner insists on being vague, that could be a concern.
” Now, find out what to do if you’re the one who was caught cheating.
Originally Published: June 03, 2019
Originally Published in Reader's Digest
Christine Coppa
Christine Coppa is a print + digital journalist with 16 years of experience writing about health, wellness, parenting and lifestyle. She has written for Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Health, Elle, Woman's Day, Good Housekeeping, Parents and their supporting websites. Coppa is also a fact-checker, research editor and brand content copywriter. Her book, Rattled! was published by Crown in 2009. Find her on the soccer sidelines cheering on her son, Jack.
3 proven ways to help you survive the betrayal of a loved one
And yet it happened - you found out that your partner cheated on you. Is it worth it to immediately put an end to the relationship? There are situations when a person wants to forgive, not to chop off the shoulder.
But is it possible to come to terms with the betrayal of a loved one? Yes, it is quite. And if you do not have the opportunity to go to a specialist, we suggest considering several techniques prepared just by psychologists.
Accept your feelings
Stop hiding your own emotions from yourself - label your feelings. Aloud or start keeping a diary where you write down thoughts and feelings. Photo © Freepik
As soon as you come to a session with a psychologist or psychotherapist, the specialist will ask you a question about feelings at your very first story. "And how do you feel about it?" If you can’t go to the doctor yet, at least stop hiding your own emotions from yourself. Faced with the betrayal of a loved one, it is perfectly normal to experience resentment, anger, grief, pain. Of course, for the first, and maybe for a long time, you will continue to scroll through this situation of infidelity, returning to negative emotions again and again. Psychologists advise not to keep them in yourself - it certainly won’t become easier from hushing up.
The first thing to do if you want to survive the betrayal of a loved one and move on is to identify your feelings. Speak them out loud or start keeping a diary where you write down thoughts and feelings. At the same time, you will understand what is constantly spinning on your mind, what you are experiencing and how to deal with it.
Stop idealizing the relationship that existed before the betrayal
It is worth letting go of all ideas about the ideality of your relationship before what happened. The split of something "ideal" is much more difficult for the psyche than something "usual". Photo © Freepik
One of the techniques developed by psychologists specifically for partners who had to deal with cheating is as follows. It is worth letting go of all ideas about the ideality of your relationship before what happened. In the case of betrayal, it almost never happens that only one partner is to blame. Most likely, you simply did not notice all those prerequisites or difficult moments.
Idealization is extremely dangerous for both relationships and personality. The split of something "ideal" is much more difficult for the psyche than something "usual". Therefore, psychologists, working with people who are faced with the campaign of a loved one to the left, often begin with the technique of avoiding perfectionism. Nobody is perfect: not you, not your partner, not your relationship. We all have some flaws, so we need to find and accept them. So it will become easier to survive the betrayal and understand its causes, the motives of a person.
Don't let yourself slide into hopeless negativity
Psychologists insist: don't go in cycles and certainly don't give up on yourself. Try to track the moment the negativity begins and stop it. Photo © Freepik
Or in other words: watch your thoughts. Yes, facing an infidelity and cheating spouse is an incredibly painful blow. But it can be experienced if you make an effort and want it. Everything comes from our head. Therefore, psychologists insist: there is no need to get hung up and certainly you should not put an end to yourself. Most girls who have been cheated on begin to think exclusively negatively. "It happened once, it will happen again later", "I will always come across partners who cheat", "I'm not good enough, so they cheat on me." If you have already decided not to part with your partner after infidelity, but to try to survive the situation, drive away bad thoughts. Try to keep track of the moment when you are again drawn to the "dark side", to stop it. But the best solution is still to contact a competent specialist who will help.
5 working life hacks on how to forget your ex
June 25, 2022, 07:15
0000 How to get over cheating, forgive the cheater, and move on
381,693
Cheating Man and woman Relationship crisis
“Many of my clients come to their appointments with a similar problem,” says family therapist Andrew J. Marshall. “Having survived the betrayal of a loved one, they decide to save the relationship, but even if everything looks good in a couple, many still periodically return to what happened in their thoughts and cannot completely forgive their partner.”
In such cases, he advises to write down and analyze your thoughts and emotions, as this will help you manage them. And in working with such clients, he uses an approach based on five simple techniques.
Accept your feelings
Please don't beat yourself up about not being able to magically leave it all in the past and move on as if nothing had happened. Perhaps your husband's infidelity has been the biggest shock in your life so far and it poses a serious threat to your well-being, so I'm not surprised that the pain keeps coming back and the same thoughts are spinning in your head. And you still can't understand how this monstrous betrayal could even happen.
Practice #1
Name your feelings out loud, instead of letting them rage inside forever, it really helps. Tell yourself, "I feel angry, I'm worried, I'm confused" or something else. You don't have to do anything about these feelings - just acknowledge them.
Sometimes I ask my clients to start keeping a diary of feelings, where they record the time, the feeling and the reason that caused it at the moment
Keep it for several days or weeks, and you will find certain patterns. Believe me: if you notice your feelings, observe them, and do not suppress them, they will gradually weaken and become more manageable over time.
Work on your thoughts
Many feelings arise as a result of our thoughts. We tend to believe everything that our inner voice broadcasts as the ultimate truth. However, he often exaggerates or combines events from different life situations to provide us with irrefutable evidence that life is over. (I call this "catastrophic thinking.")
Practice #2
Don't let bad thoughts poison your life, write them down. Write as if your inner voice is dictating to you. And when you write everything, word by word, you will see that there is nothing particularly frightening there. Go back to the beginning of the text and look for exaggerations. For example, you wrote: "I'm so tired of thinking about cheating every day." I would be hooked by the phrase "every day." I think the word "often" reflects reality more accurately.
I know it's a very minor change, but the new word doesn't feel so helpless anymore, does it?
And then you might want to add a few clarifications. And write: “I often think about cheating and sometimes feel exhausted after it, although it also happens that after that I feel better.” I guess that the latter option is not only softer, but also more accurate. Reread the text again and pay attention to “always”, “never”, “should”, “should” and other words from the category of black and white vocabulary.
Think about what these memories want to tell you
You remember your husband's infidelity for a reason. Not because you are a bad person and are not able to forgive the betrayal of a partner or do not want to save the marriage. Most likely, your feelings are trying to tell you that some issues remain unresolved and that your relationship needs to be given more attention.
For example, your sex life has become too insipid, or your husband is constantly in conflict with your daughter, and you are forced to be torn between them, as if between two fires. If you continue to ignore these warning signals, your unconscious mind will send them over and over again.
Session #3
Go back to the diary entries that your inner voice dictated to you. Once you've filtered out the exaggerations, you're left with a few fairly straightforward tasks.
For example, balance work and home life; go out somewhere together, because you have not done this even once in the last couple of months. Since you have already guessed what the memories are telling you, it would be quite logical to take practical steps to solve these problems. For example, turn off the phone after 9pm or book a table at your favorite restaurant.
Stop expecting the impossible from your partner and move on
If a person works as a secretary in the reception, you are unlikely to expect that he will balance correctly or conduct excellent business negotiations. But I sometimes meet pioneers who expect from their partner some special spiritual subtlety, the ability to be aware of their own and other people's feelings, which in no way corresponds to his upbringing and character traits.
In particular, to the question “Why did you need this novel?” in many cases, the answers will be incomprehensible, simply because up to this point no one has asked a person about motivation. You may be counting on your partner to listen and sympathize even when you get angry, criticize, or shame him, when what he needs most right now is to work with a therapist who can get through the shell to the person who is looking for support.
Reception No.
4 We tend to see our partners as we like to see them, rather than as they really are. And yet, for some reason, we are sure that they think exactly the same as we do. Although girls are usually raised differently than boys, the appearance of children affects women and men differently. Try to accept in a partner not only his strengths, but also his shortcomings. Be aware that there is something impossible for him, beyond his strength.
Get rid of perfectionism
The most destructive of all emotions is shame. You will feel embarrassed for the recent tantrum or outburst of anger, and even more ashamed of you for being cheated on, and for the fact that you, apparently, are not good enough.
Since this feeling is unpleasant for us, we try desperately to avoid it. The most typical way is to try to be perfect in everything and hope that this will protect us from possible future suffering. We try to be the best for our partner and hope that he too will turn out to be the perfect repentant sinner.
I also often meet people who portray their relationship before their betrayal as ideal and then become doubly angry at their spouse, who ruined this whole idyll.
Reception No. 5
I like the phrase of the German philosopher Immanuel Kant: “You can’t cut anything straight out of such a crooked log as a person.” In other words, we cannot be perfect because we are human. And when we make a mistake or fail to achieve the impossible, we are nonetheless ashamed of it.
Returning to the first point, take this feeling in yourself and analyze the thoughts that arise about this. It's certainly worth aiming to be the best version of yourself and your marriage to be the best version of yourself, but please, let's not aim for absolute perfection.
diary
A handy and compact diary will help you keep track of your thoughts and feelings in order to survive infidelity. It will be convenient for you not only to set goals and plan days, but also to write down your thoughts.
