Critical of others psychology
5 Tips I Psych Central
It’s not always easy being on the receiving end of criticism. But with a few expert tips, you can learn how to handle overly critical people.
Dealing with criticism and feedback is a part of life.
When that criticism is negative, you might feel judged. Your natural response may be to try to defend yourself or simply walk away. But doing so can sometimes escalate the situation.
There are ways you can handle unhelpful criticisms and avoid making the situation worse.
When most people think of criticisms, they think of rude or negative comments.
You may immediately think of that person who judges your decisions or talks at length about what you’re doing wrong, or rarely has anything nice to say.
According to a 2020 study, criticisms are defined as negative feedback from others that’s often unpleasant but not uncommon. The researchers note that these criticisms are a part of daily social interactions with others that can’t be avoided.
Too much negative feedback can affect a person’s mental health, often playing a role in the developing and recurrence of conditions such as depression and schizophrenia.
Negative criticism from mothers may even predict whether a child will develop depression, according to a 2021 study.
On the other hand, criticism can also be positive.
A 2020 study found that positive criticism can lead to positive improvements and boost self-efficiency — a person’s belief in their ability to complete particular tasks. And higher self-efficiency has been linked to lower symptoms of depression and anxiety.
There are several reasons why a person may be more negatively critical of others.
Erica Cramer, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, says, “When someone is overly critical, chances are it has more to do with them than you.”
Most of the time, people who are overly critical of others may not even be aware that they’re doing it.
Neena Lall, a licensed clinical social worker also based in New York, adds that critical people may also feel anxious.
This can lead them to subconsciously think that criticizing others may help them manage their anxiety.
If your mother teaches you how to drive and she’s an anxious driver herself, she may manage her anxiety by criticizing you, Lall says.
Other reasons a person might be more critical include:
- low self-esteem
- insecurity
- sense of superiority
- history of receiving criticisms in childhood
When you’re faced with a critical person, you can use strategies to help you deal with the person and their comments.
Share on PinterestHelpful Ways to Deal with Critical People Design by Maya Chastain
Consider the source
Consider who is criticizing you. Is it your mom? Your best friend? A co-worker?
“Before jumping to feeling bad about yourself, consider how much credibility you’re giving the person,” Cramer says.
Try to remind yourself that this person might not be an expert on this topic, or they may have other underlying reasons for being more critical about this particular situation.
Cramer suggests taking some opinions with a “grain of salt.”
Don’t take it personally
Criticisms may be more of a reflection of that person than of you.
“Sometimes people are critical because they’re projecting their own insecurities on you,” Lall says.
For example, if a friend feels insecure about their own body, they may criticize or make negative comments about your body.
Take a moment
It’s natural to react in anger to criticisms or to feel hurt or embarrassed, according to a 2020 study.
When we feel hurt, we may react defensively, leading to confrontation or an argument.
Before you respond, try to take a time-out. Consider excusing yourself from the conversation and taking a walk or taking a few deep breaths.
Taking a moment can sometimes help you get some perspective and process everything. This may help avoid arguments and make an already awkward situation even worse.
Become a rock
People who are critical of others are usually looking for a reaction.
If you suspect this is happening, Lall suggests using the gray rock technique.
“This means giving boring non-answers to any criticisms you receive,” Lall says.
Here are a few example responses Lall suggests.
- “I’ll consider that” (even though you may not).
- “I heard you” (you heard the words, but you may not agree).
- “That’s a point” (they made a point, but it may not be right for you).
Take an empathetic approach
Instead of casting someone off because they’re difficult, try to cultivate some empathy for them.
“Sometimes, when people are hurtful, it’s helpful to take a more empathetic approach,” Cramer says.
Often people hurt others because they feel hurt themselves, Cramer adds.
Try to see the world from their point of view. This may help you understand the reasons behind their behavior. Once you understand this, you can feel compassion for that person.
Dealing with criticisms isn’t easy. Often, a natural response is to try to defend yourself, but this can sometimes make the situation worse.
Instead of becoming defensive, it may be helpful to consider the source. There may be some underlying reason why they’re being overly critical. Then try to see the situation from their perspective.
Trying these strategies may ease tension and prevent a situation from getting worse.
If you’ve tried these or other strategies and nothing has changed, it may be time to end that relationship.
If you need additional help, consider speaking with a mental health professional. They can help you learn to set boundaries or discuss other methods of dealing with critical people.
5 Tips I Psych Central
It’s not always easy being on the receiving end of criticism. But with a few expert tips, you can learn how to handle overly critical people.
Dealing with criticism and feedback is a part of life.
When that criticism is negative, you might feel judged. Your natural response may be to try to defend yourself or simply walk away. But doing so can sometimes escalate the situation.
There are ways you can handle unhelpful criticisms and avoid making the situation worse.
When most people think of criticisms, they think of rude or negative comments.
You may immediately think of that person who judges your decisions or talks at length about what you’re doing wrong, or rarely has anything nice to say.
According to a 2020 study, criticisms are defined as negative feedback from others that’s often unpleasant but not uncommon. The researchers note that these criticisms are a part of daily social interactions with others that can’t be avoided.
Too much negative feedback can affect a person’s mental health, often playing a role in the developing and recurrence of conditions such as depression and schizophrenia.
Negative criticism from mothers may even predict whether a child will develop depression, according to a 2021 study.
On the other hand, criticism can also be positive.
A 2020 study found that positive criticism can lead to positive improvements and boost self-efficiency — a person’s belief in their ability to complete particular tasks.
And higher self-efficiency has been linked to lower symptoms of depression and anxiety.
There are several reasons why a person may be more negatively critical of others.
Erica Cramer, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, says, “When someone is overly critical, chances are it has more to do with them than you.”
Most of the time, people who are overly critical of others may not even be aware that they’re doing it.
Neena Lall, a licensed clinical social worker also based in New York, adds that critical people may also feel anxious. This can lead them to subconsciously think that criticizing others may help them manage their anxiety.
If your mother teaches you how to drive and she’s an anxious driver herself, she may manage her anxiety by criticizing you, Lall says.
Other reasons a person might be more critical include:
- low self-esteem
- insecurity
- sense of superiority
- history of receiving criticisms in childhood
When you’re faced with a critical person, you can use strategies to help you deal with the person and their comments.
Share on PinterestHelpful Ways to Deal with Critical People Design by Maya Chastain
Consider the source
Consider who is criticizing you. Is it your mom? Your best friend? A co-worker?
“Before jumping to feeling bad about yourself, consider how much credibility you’re giving the person,” Cramer says.
Try to remind yourself that this person might not be an expert on this topic, or they may have other underlying reasons for being more critical about this particular situation.
Cramer suggests taking some opinions with a “grain of salt.”
Don’t take it personally
Criticisms may be more of a reflection of that person than of you.
“Sometimes people are critical because they’re projecting their own insecurities on you,” Lall says.
For example, if a friend feels insecure about their own body, they may criticize or make negative comments about your body.
Take a moment
It’s natural to react in anger to criticisms or to feel hurt or embarrassed, according to a 2020 study.
When we feel hurt, we may react defensively, leading to confrontation or an argument.
Before you respond, try to take a time-out. Consider excusing yourself from the conversation and taking a walk or taking a few deep breaths.
Taking a moment can sometimes help you get some perspective and process everything. This may help avoid arguments and make an already awkward situation even worse.
Become a rock
People who are critical of others are usually looking for a reaction. If you suspect this is happening, Lall suggests using the gray rock technique.
“This means giving boring non-answers to any criticisms you receive,” Lall says.
Here are a few example responses Lall suggests.
- “I’ll consider that” (even though you may not).
- “I heard you” (you heard the words, but you may not agree).
- “That’s a point” (they made a point, but it may not be right for you).
Take an empathetic approach
Instead of casting someone off because they’re difficult, try to cultivate some empathy for them.
“Sometimes, when people are hurtful, it’s helpful to take a more empathetic approach,” Cramer says.
Often people hurt others because they feel hurt themselves, Cramer adds.
Try to see the world from their point of view. This may help you understand the reasons behind their behavior. Once you understand this, you can feel compassion for that person.
Dealing with criticisms isn’t easy. Often, a natural response is to try to defend yourself, but this can sometimes make the situation worse.
Instead of becoming defensive, it may be helpful to consider the source. There may be some underlying reason why they’re being overly critical. Then try to see the situation from their perspective.
Trying these strategies may ease tension and prevent a situation from getting worse.
If you’ve tried these or other strategies and nothing has changed, it may be time to end that relationship.
If you need additional help, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
They can help you learn to set boundaries or discuss other methods of dealing with critical people.
how to properly respond to comments addressed to you - T & P
Criticism is as unpleasant as praise is pleasant - only 10 times worse. It may seem that only neurotics and incorrigible pessimists think so, but this is not so. You can often find stories about how one remark made someone forget about a dozen positive reviews. Writer David Kane writes on his blog Raptitude that this is normal for human nature.
Criticism outweighs praise on emotional scales. Negative events are more vividly imprinted in the memory, so the loss has more emotional weight than the gain. If you think about it, this is quite logical from the point of view of survival. Remembering the danger and presenting it in brighter colors is more important than thinking about the reward. The damage from negative events (from a sharp remark or a cut finger - it does not matter) teaches how to avoid physical danger and be on good terms with the environment.
Good events are useful and it is important to remember how to achieve them, but thinking about them for a long time does not make much sense. A similar point of view in his study confirms the social psychologist, Professor Roy Baumeister: "Negative emotions, judging parents and critical reactions have a greater impact on us than good ones."
A natural side effect of this overestimation of the negative is greater passivity in life. It seems that the damage from a bad result is greater than the reward for a good one, so it is wise to take as little as possible and try something new. As writer Elbert Hubbard said, “If you want to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”
In general, it is clear what Hubbard is driving at: although criticism is very painful, completely rejecting it is too costly in terms of social life and creative goals. Or maybe it's not possible at all. However, even if we understand that we overestimate the value of criticism, one remark can torment us all night, even if nothing bad happened all day.
How to prevent criticism from invading thoughts in this way?
Criticism is an event in someone else's head
First of all, one must realize that criticism is based entirely on the experience of the critic, not the object. It all starts with the critic's inner reaction, with the relationship between what he sees and what it reminds him of. If at work someone considers you a sycophant, then perhaps you just remind that person of a sycophant from his former job. Maybe you use the same phrases in speech and wear the same sweaters. In this person’s head, you are the embodiment of negative experiences from the past, so he treats you badly out of habit or as a result of association, and everything you do passes through this prism.
We constantly react to how others behave by comparing what we see with what we have seen in the past, and this happens very quickly. This is controlled by emotions, and we do not have time to think whether conclusions about this or that person are premature, and in general, these are conclusions or just observations.
This analysis takes place without our knowledge and desire. The only difference between a critical and non-critical view of things is whether thoughts are voiced or not.
Criticism, in its everyday, non-scientific sense, concerns external features. We look at a person and see something that we don't like. The thought develops like this: "I've seen this before, it's bad." But all situations are different, even if the participant in them is the same. You haven't seen this scene before, at least it wasn't like that. You simply cannot, in the time it takes to form a judgment, understand and evaluate the myriad invisible factors that can cause the person to say or act on which you are currently focused.
The only difference between a critical and non-critical view of things is whether thoughts are voiced or not.
So, for a critic, the process of judgment is often very superficial and ephemeral, while the object often perceives criticism addressed to him as an indictment that directly concerns his inner essence.
What the critic really wants to say is, "I don't like the way this looks." In the mind of the addressee, the phrase turns into "You should not be the way you are."
For hours, days, you resent how someone dared to say something bad about you. But this is not about you. Criticism was really just a reaction to a fleeting external manifestation where you turned out to be a random participant. It is passed through a person's worldview, his emotional state and personal experience. Criticism is an external manifestation of an internal alarm signal that concerns you only due to circumstances. Any person is much more complex than one of his 10 thousand external manifestations, but most critical judgments are based, first of all, on what you appeared to be on a certain day, at a certain point in time.
Of course, despite the superficiality of criticism, the remark may turn out to be quite accurate. This works especially well if the object of criticism knows about it, because in this case one has to admit that sometimes he is petty, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, or guilty of some other human sin.
But even if criticism reveals your shortcomings, the negative impression of the critic and your wounded image are not the same thing. Critics do not see what you see: they did not look into your soul, did not see its flaws, they were simply involuntarily reminded of something that they do not like.
These two feelings, the critic and the object, are like ships in the night: everyone thinks he is alone in the sea. Therefore, you should not take ordinary criticism as something very personal. You may learn something new about yourself by noticing how you unwittingly agree with what people say, but this does not mean that their criticism is a meaningful assessment of your personality. Of course, there are exceptions to this: for example, when a long-time friend who knows you well criticizes you on some old issue. But this only happens a few times in a lifetime, and usually it's good.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes
In any case, it's much more beneficial and beneficial (it minimizes internal anguish) to think that criticism is just an event in someone else's head.
If we don't fall into the defensive trap, we can use one of the most powerful tools for responding to criticism: empathy.
Initially, the focus is on the relationship between external criticism and our inner feelings. Will you be able to take this first “prick” and remember what criticism really is? This is an internal relationship between what the critic sees and the feeling that arises from this.
Richard Carlson, in his book Don't Worry Over Little Things, gave the key to solving the problem: "Just out of curiosity, agree with the criticism directed at you (and see how it recedes on its own)." It's more efficient than it looks. The point is not only to give relaxation to the critic and deprive him of the object of criticism (although this can already help). It is more important to understand what you are doing that may cause suspicion or fear in an outside observer.
When you notice that you are beginning to react to criticism, remind yourself that you are simply observing the outward manifestation of an involuntary game of free association in the other person's head.
The critic may have no real reason at all: he may misunderstand something, assume incorrectly, or have too limited a view of the world to realize the value of what you said or did. But in any case, most of the time you can figure out what provokes criticism if you try. It may turn out that this is what you often criticize others for: arrogance, excessive admiration for your own ideas, insecurity, hypocrisy - these are just some of the qualities that everyone has.
Even if you are sure that criticism is groundless, you can understand a lot if you ask where it comes from. The reason may turn out to be quite reasonable (you just haven’t thought about it before), or maybe this is a common misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up. The situation may also suggest that not everyone will understand the reason for your action, which may be quite normal. In any case, it cools the ardor and dulls the desire to enter into an argument or attack the other person.
When you find yourself beginning to react to criticism, remind yourself that you are simply observing the outward manifestation of an involuntary game of free association in the other person's head.
In what you say or do, they see their own past, not you.
Icons: 1) Mister Pixel, 2) Andrew J. Young, Luis Prado.
How criticizing others ruins our lives and how to comment
Health
© Shutterstock
March 27, 2019
Criticism and condemnation have long and firmly entered our lives: we criticize colleagues, friends, celebrities and strangers on Instagram. We’ll tell you why it’s time to stop judging everyone in a row and how to competently criticize if you can’t do without it.
Long before the “Comment” button appeared on Facebook, people learned to discuss news, events and other people, evaluate their actions and appearance, gossip and criticize.
The ability to see the negative aspects of anything is inherent in us by evolution: it helped our species to literally critically assess the situation, identify enemies in time and survive. When we moved from the wild to the villages and then to the cities, criticism had a new function - to form communities and strengthen their internal hierarchy.
The positive and negative ratings that people assign to each other can be considered a kind of social currency: the more “pluses” we get, the higher our chance to climb the social ladder. That is why we so love to put other people in a bad light (in a conversation with someone or even in our own thoughts) - by lowering someone's status, we seem to make ourselves a place under the sun.
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In this regard, the modern world is no different from primitive tribes. We gossip about our colleagues, discuss mutual acquaintances with friends, comment on celebrity news, or even gather in “hater” communities to criticize someone's life. Of course, there are no good intentions behind this.
Such criticism has one goal in mind - to amuse the vanity of the critic. Focusing on the shortcomings of others, we smooth out our own complexes. “Yes, I have a small salary, but I don’t miss a child’s matinees in kindergarten because of work.
” “Let me have a couple of extra pounds, but I will never allow myself to leave the house with a dirty head.” "I feel tired all the time, but I have an active life position - not like some people." Such criticism can hurt the addressee if it is spoken out loud. But the critic himself will suffer from it in any case.
By cultivating inner condemnation, we feed our own complexes and lower our self-esteem - in this situation, it completely depends on the successes and failures of other people. The more we concentrate on others, the less energy remains to work on ourselves. It may seem that you are trying to improve yourself and learn from the mistakes of others, but in fact you are just competing. But such a race cannot have a winner.
© Priscilla Du Preez/Unsplash
The first thing to do is to acknowledge that you are criticizing. In this context, any negative judgment about another person, object or phenomenon (which is usually created or born by people) can be considered criticism.
When you don't like something and you definitely want to share these feelings, think about what specific things annoy you and why you think they are wrong, that is, determine what your values \u200b\u200bare contrary to them. Now answer two important questions. Does the object of criticism affect your life? Are you ready to take steps to really make a difference? If the answer is “no” in both cases, criticism should be refrained from. The answer to the first question gives an understanding of whether there is any threat to you personally. For example, when you and a colleague are working on the same project and he slows down the process, this can become your personal problem, so it makes sense to discuss it. But if it just seems to you that the girl from the next department is working slowly, it is better to keep your opinion to yourself. The second question - about actions - shows whether you want to help or it is simply important for you to speak out. Let's look at a slow colleague - are you ready (if asked) to advise, develop a plan to improve efficiency and help at some stages of project implementation? Or do you just feel like discussing his slowness with another colleague over a cup of tea?
To overcome the passion for criticism, it makes sense to constantly criticize your own motives and cultivate tolerance - the acceptance of other people's values, even if they run counter to yours.
You can use the method of comparison ("He probably enjoys watching a reality show at the end of the day as I enjoy reading Baudelaire. Well, everyone has the right to relax"), train empathy ("She must be very tired and therefore can't seem to pull himself together") and focus on other people's virtues ("Yes, he has a habit of interrupting, but he does deliver apt remarks"). The main thing is not to forget about yourself and your own shortcomings in assessing others.
© Shutterstock
Sometimes criticism can be useful, then we call it adequate and justified. Here you need to follow a few important rules.
- Wish the other person well, even if you criticize, to protect yourself. Make it a priority to help the person, not to humiliate or insult them.
- Address your thoughts directly, don't gossip behind your back.
- Think of effective solutions to the problem you want to fix.
- Use the "sandwich method" when a critical comment is sealed on both sides with positive feedback.
