Controlling mother 2

Problem No. 2. Misunderstanding of oneself

Both narcissists and controlling mothers focus on the external characteristics of their children. What matters to them is what their daughter does, not who she is. Therefore, daughters do not pay attention to their thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Growing up, they know too little about themselves, because their true nature is hidden deep inside.

Problem #3. Perverted concept of love

Narcissists and controlling mothers teach their daughters that love is based on mutual benefit and affection. Such an understanding of love can remain with the daughter for the rest of her life. She will probably be attracted to people who will treat her the same way as her mother. We are always attracted to what we are familiar with, even if it does not bring us happiness. This also applies to our understanding of love.

Influence of a narcissistic mother

Since narcissistic mothers are skilled manipulators who try to attract attention in every possible way, their influence on their daughters depends on whether the daughter is ready to make concessions. Mother's approval usually means that the daughter ignores her own needs and feelings. If a daughter does not feel affection for her mother, she may herself exhibit narcissistic traits. She usually understands the toxicity of the relationship with her mother, but suffers from internal chaos. She may pay attention to her own feelings and needs or continue to try to win her mother's love. In any case, the negative influence of a narcissistic mother on her daughter will be strong:

• Daughter doubts her decisions and criticizes herself. Difficulties in the mother's relationship with her daughter (for example, the mother's constant statements about the inferiority of her daughter) strongly affect her. Outwardly, the daughter can be quite successful, but inside - insecure. When it comes to success in life, the daughters of narcissists either achieve significant success or fail. There is no third.
• The daughter considers the narcissist's behavior normal . Young children believe that in all families people live the same way. Daughters of narcissistic mothers think that all mothers treat their children the same way, and it is normal to win the mother's attention. Therefore, they are convinced that they need to hide their true selves and become what their mother wants them to be. It is likely that in adulthood the daughter will also be attracted to daffodils. And it will take time for her to understand her childhood trauma.
• Daughter has connection and intimacy problems . A girl may have a need for intimacy, but the inability to overcome her fears and attraction to those who, by their behavior, remind her of her mother, does not allow her to experience intimacy.

Influence of a controlling mother

Today, instead of the word “control”, the term “overprotective” is often used, and this is alarming - because the new term sounds quite benevolent. However, the daughters of controlling mothers feel inferior because they constantly hear the phrase “You mean nothing without me. ” This leads to a number of problems.

• The daughter perceives power incorrectly. She tries to justify her mother's behavior, thinking: "It's hard for me with her, but it's all for my own good," "Mom wants me well," "Mom doesn't understand what hurts me." At the same time, the daughter does not see the difference between power and control. It is likely that in adulthood she will be inclined to obey, although at the same time she may feel unhappy, because those around her will ignore her interests in the same way as her mother.
• Daughter lacks stamina. Women who have been subject to control in childhood may be so developed in the habit of self-criticism that they will by all means avoid failure. Everyone makes mistakes, but such daughters see this as confirmation that without a mother they cannot cope with problems. The attitudes received in childhood from mothers are deeply rooted in their psyche.
• Daughter unable to make decisions . A controlling mother does not give her daughter the opportunity to make her own choices, trust her instincts and opinions. In adulthood, such girls will be afraid to make their own choice. They often rely on someone else's opinion or obey someone else's will. If no one tells them what to do, they tend to let everything take its course (this applies to situations both at work and in personal life). And that makes them feel miserable.

"I was not allowed to make a single decision." How Mothers Ruin Their Daughters' Lives

Peg Streep was an unloved child. This painful experience haunted her throughout her life. Therefore, the publicist researched the topic of maternal love for 10 years and communicated with those who desperately lacked it in childhood. In the "Unloved Daughter" study, the author describes eight types of destructive maternal behavior that her respondents encountered. In Russia, in June, the book was published by the Alpina non-fiction publishing house.

Ignoring mother

…Ignoring mothers neglect the thoughts and feelings of their daughters, considering them insignificant or not paying attention to them. Here is the story of 39-year-old Ruby:

“If I complained to my mother that I was unhappy and explained why, she went about her business as if I hadn't said anything. I asked if she heard me, and she, without turning her head, answered something like: "Well, it's okay, I also have a problem." By adolescence, I gave up any attempt to talk to her about anything.

Other neglectful mothers openly express contempt for their daughters and humiliate them in a disguised or overt way. An ignoring mother does not give her daughter what she needs, and thereby causes great damage. Without noticing her presence, her feelings and needs, the mother sends her a signal: "You are not important to me, it does not matter what you feel and think." It is a devastating blow to the developing personality and a hidden form of emotional abuse.

As the daughter gets older, the mother's constant inattention—ignoring her appeals, habit of not listening to her and acting as if she hadn't said anything worthy of an answer—often sets off a cycle of protest behavior. In all ways, productive and unproductive, the daughter tries to get the attention of her mother. <…>

Even very successful daughters of neglecting mothers often suffer from deep self-doubt, feel worthless or unlovable. An ignoring mother robs a child of a sense of belonging, whether he is alone in the family or has siblings.

Many daughters of ignorant mothers get into the habit of pleasing everyone and everyone, forever putting their own needs last, in part because they have become imbued with their mother's words and attitude and do not believe that their desires mean anything. The combination of a desperate need to serve and a feeling of being invisible makes them, in friendship and in love, reach out to people who treat them the same way as their mother. <…>

Typical consequences

- Difficulty understanding and expressing your needs and desires.
- Avoiding conflicts and arguments, even if others are wrong.
Tendency to please or please others.
- Social unpreparedness and difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships.
- Acceptance of other people's beliefs and attitudes as one's own and the inability to insist on one's own, even when a feeling of anger or disappointment arises.
- Low self-esteem.

Photo: Emiliano Vittoriosi\unsplash.com

Controlling mother

…This is what Ella, 48, had to say about her childhood:

“All the neighbors admired my mother. It seemed that everything in her life was perfect: a well-groomed house, a luxurious garden and an outwardly successful child. It was believed that this was about me - an excellent student, a cheerleader, a girl dressed to the nines. But while I was growing up, I was not allowed to make a single decision. None. Not in clothes, not in choosing friends, not even in choosing a college. You know, I didn’t realize that I was being controlled until I was 30, until I broke down after my marriage collapsed, and when I looked into myself, I saw one emptiness. ”

A controlling mother deprives her daughter of the right to vote, the opportunity to make her own choices and learn from her mistakes, and most importantly, to be perceived as she is, and not a projection of maternal needs and desires. If the ignoring mother is not interested in her daughter's life, then the controlling mother delves into everything, invariably sending a signal: "Without me, you are nobody, if I were not there, you would fall at every step, it will be my way or nothing."

A controlling mother may be a perfectionist who needs everything in her life, including her children, to be "perfect", but often deep down she experiences self-doubt, fear of making a mistake and being seen as "not fitting" by others. She sees her children as extensions of herself, rather than independent individuals with their own voice, and is determined to ensure that they represent her in the best possible light. Otherwise, it takes effect immediately. <…>

A controlling mother teaches her children that love is "given out" on certain terms and if you fail or disappoint, no one will love you.

Typical consequences

... Daughter of a controlling mother:
- defines herself by how others perceive her and is alienated from her inner self;
- reaches out to other controlling people because he is afraid of failure or choice;
- intolerant of other people's doubts, because she is convinced that life is arranged "according to the rules";
- emotionally unstable;
- does not realize himself as an independent person;
- whether she plays by the rules or rebels against them, she always acts reactively.

Emotionally unavailable mother

. .. She ignores and does not take her children's emotional selves seriously, does not try to maintain close bonds with them, and feels more comfortable at a physical and emotional distance from them.

Natalie, 46, recalls: “I think growing up I literally craved love and attention. The more mother rejected me, the more obsessed I became. I became a problem child because I knew that she would pay attention to me, even at the cost of punishment ... "

Such mothers do not necessarily resort to verbal aggression or belittle their daughters as ignorant, but the withdrawal of approval and attention is a form of emotional abuse. While some mothers are naturally cold and unreceptive—they themselves have an avoidant attachment style—others use their emotional unavailability intentionally and calculatedly to feel their power. In any case, such behavior tells the daughter that she is worthless, that in this life she means no one and nothing. <…>

Photo: Tiago Bandeira/unsplash. com

“Growing up I was constantly rejected, so I built up my armor,” one reader wrote me, “and I don’t like to depend on anyone.” Her confession reveals an avoidant kind of insecure attachment. Such women keep their distance even in intimate relationships and are proud of their independence.

However, the emotional unavailability of the mother—who is physically present in the house, but out of reach, which drives her mad—can also form an unsettling pattern of relationships filled with anguish, overshadowed by difficulties and disappointments, and overwhelmed by alienation and pain.

Typical consequences

- Turning to unhealthy substitutes for motherly love and addiction.
- Distrust of people.
- Extreme emotional dependence and problems setting boundaries or withdrawn and self-isolating.
- Difficulty establishing friendships and other close relationships.
- Difficulty understanding and expressing one's feelings.
- The aggravation of the main conflict due to the extreme need for maternal love.

A fickle mother

…Such a mother does not control her own emotions and rushes from one extreme to another: from an unbearably intrusive presence — importunity, intrusion into personal space, complete disrespect for the boundaries established by the child — to emotional unavailability and rejection. <…>

Such mothers vacillate between hyper-involvement and detachment. <...> Because of this, the child constantly experiences fear and emotional paralysis, because he never knows what kind of mother he will face - good or bad.

A type of attachment is formed, aptly named "disoriented". The daughter experiences internal conflict. The need for a mother makes one strive for her and seek her attention, and the fear of the “other mother” repels and keeps from contact. This emotional turmoil—the psychological tug of war—affects the daughter in so many ways. <…>

During adolescence, daughters may exhibit alternating anxious and avoidant behavior. They are both desperate for love and acceptance and afraid of the consequences of meeting that need. One woman told me about what she realized only in hindsight:

“My mother could at some point be loving (apparently), but it all suddenly turned into nothing. There came a time when I stopped trusting her kind treatment. I saw such terrible cruelty that moments of kindness seemed like a hoax.

The daughters of such mothers have great difficulty in controlling their emotions and understanding their own feelings. They have an insatiable need to make their mother love them, but all their attempts instill fear and a sense of hopelessness in them. For them, the main conflict - between the thirst for motherly love and the understanding of the need to save themselves - is even more intense and complex than for other unloved daughters.

Typical consequences

- Aggravated and even extreme incredulity.
- Emotional instability and inability to self-regulate.
- Reconnecting with mother by getting close to violent people.
- Attraction to friends and lovers of the controlling type, since control is mistaken for consistency and reliability.
- Underdevelopment of emotional intelligence and the ability to identify and process emotions.
- An aggravated form of the main conflict with a high degree of inability to sort out one's feelings.

Self-centered mother

…She is the sun in her own universe, and the children are the planets that revolve around her. Her attitude towards them is self-centered and superficial, it is not surprising that she is not capable of genuine receptivity, since she lacks empathy. She controls the children, but not as openly as the controlling mother. She favors those children who allow her to look in a good light, and punishes others by belittling them. <...>

Firstly, such a mother takes the opportunity to exalt herself with the help of the child, both literally and symbolically. Again, the most important thing is the opinion of others, and not the feelings or true desires of the daughter. Second, she downplays her daughter's thoughts and feelings—especially if they don't match her own—which is why they are often replaced and ignored, despite the child's accomplishments. <…>

Such mothers place great value on how they look in the eyes of others, and in the family there is a huge pressure on children to succeed and shine, being in fact a walking demonstration of what an amazing mother they have.

But the most dangerous—and psychologically significant—lesson taught by a self-absorbed mother is that attention must be won, it is not given simply or without preconditions. In addition, it is given in doses and serves as a substitute for love.

…Because such mothers' attention is focused on outward success—it's pointless to talk to them about a person's soulfulness or good character—their daughters often become careerists, as this puts them in a winning position in mommy's orbit. However, all their achievements do not fill the void in the heart left by the insensitivity of the mother or the understanding of how weak the emotional connection between them is.

The most destructive legacy of the self-centered mother is the belief that love must be won. <…>

Typical consequences

— Isolation from one's own feelings and thoughts and problems understanding them.
- Lack of true self-respect, an urgent need for evaluation and recognition from the outside.
- Lack of feeling of happiness with the inability to understand the reasons for this, since the situation is taken as the norm.
- Difficulty establishing close relationships.
- Feeling of loneliness and loss, the causes of which are not clear.
- Attraction to people with narcissistic traits.
- In the case of "superfluous" - deep immersion in the main conflict. The Wonder Child is not aware of the conflict at all.

Photo: Ian Keefe\unsplash. com

The bellicose mother

She is very serious about absolute and unconditional power over the house and children and becomes furious at the slightest provocation. She sees herself as determined and outspoken rather than heavy-handed and oppressive, and takes pride in her toughness as she believes it gives her authority and authority.

In some cases (but not always) she is a tyrant who is tyrannized by an even more irascible and unrestrained husband. In other houses, the father is simply a compromiser, withdrawing from parental duties and allowing the wife to act as she pleases. In addition to being extremely hot-tempered, many mothers of this type are hypercritical, obsessed with the desire to make family life look “perfect”, at least from the outside; they do not tolerate the slightest deviation from the rules they have established and do not hide their displeasure. Woe to the child who does not consider such a mother.

Like the narcissistic or self-absorbed mother, the belligerent mother sees her child as an extension of herself and demands high standards. In this case, too, there is a huge gap between what is seen by others and what happens behind closed doors, as evidenced by Gehry's account:

“My mother's public persona was carefully constructed. She was always very well-groomed and careful to appear "deep", the first to volunteer to participate in a charity cookie sale or fundraiser, but behaved like a despot and a brawler. I went crazy trying to figure out who my mother really was - this woman who harassed me for being too fat and lazy, this ideal housewife, whose garden and pastries delighted the neighbors. No wonder I didn't tell anyone. Who would believe me? <…>

This type of mother prefers verbal aggression, although she may also resort to physical aggression at times. She explains hypercriticality and verbal abuse by the need to correct the shortcomings of children or justifies her words and deeds by the fact that she was “driven”. Denial is another level of violence. The constant shifting of the blame for one's own behavior onto the children is in itself an abuse. ..
<...>
A belligerent mother is the easiest to identify, but she leaves her daughter with the most painful legacy - fear.

Typical consequences

- Daughter's inability to understand and control her feelings.
- Acute reaction even with a slight hint of conflict.
Difficulties with trust and intimacy.
- Non-adaptive behavior in any tension in interpersonal relationships.
- Problems with emotional regulation.

Obsessive mother

... The daughter of an obsessive mother disappears in the burning glow of the spotlight of her attention. She lacks a sense of self, because the mother sees in her only an extension of herself and does not respect boundaries at all. It is very difficult and very rare to break out of these extremely closely interwoven bonds, because although the daughter feels that the connection with her mother suffocates her, she at the same time feels loved. This is a complex paradox.

Such mothers really love their daughters, but they are so engrossed that they still maim them. Own needs for such a mother are above all. <…>

The mother's own unsatisfied needs determine and govern the nature of her bond with her daughter. Often the daughter is the only child, but may be the last in a series of children born after a long break. The daughter, who does not know where she begins and where her mother ends, looks for everything in her mother: both a senior adviser and a companion, unconsciously replacing her needs and desires (if she can recognize them at all) with those of her mother.

In childhood and adolescence, the mother's obsession can irritate the daughter, but in many cases she simply gives up and gets used to the rules established by the person who claims to know everything better. In young years, the daughter often experiences a crisis, as she tries to gain independence, and her mother does not let her go. Some go off to college and achieve the opportunity to live their minds, but not everyone succeeds, and they return to the safe, albeit suffocating, atmosphere of their childhood.

This problem is very difficult to solve without professional help, but even under the guidance of a psychotherapist, the task is difficult. <...> Relations with an obsessive mother can sometimes be healed by setting strict boundaries. Mothers of this type are not unloving; they simply cannot allow children to live and breathe on their own.

Typical consequences

- Alternating anger, guilt, confusion of feelings.
- Not fully formed self-perception.
- Difficulty gaining independence, articulating one's own needs and acting accordingly.
- Unhealthy mechanisms of psychological adaptation.
- Failure to clearly see the underlying conflict.

Photo: dashu83\freepik.com

Role Reversing Mother

This is the least common pattern, according to the evidence, usually seen when the mother is very young or overburdened (has too many responsibilities or children and not enough resources), physically or mentally ill or experienced another crisis that turned life upside down. Responsibility for the family is shifted to the daughter, usually the eldest, sometimes the most capable. Regardless of age, the girl actually becomes the "mother" of the family.

Such a mother is not necessarily unloving - many mothers of this type love their children wholeheartedly, but for one reason or another she is unable to fulfill motherly duties. This, however, does not negate the harm done: she robs her daughter of her childhood and youth, places an unbearable burden on her and forces her to play an adult role that is not suitable for her. <...>

Sometimes the role of the best friend or confidant of a single mother is imposed on the daughter, which does not allow her to remain a child, burdens her with an excess of adult information and destroys the necessary boundaries. Such relationships have their negative consequences, as 39 told me-year-old Grace:

“My father divorced my mother, moved away and remarried when I was six. Have you seen the movie Anywhere But Here? This is how I lived.

---

Learn more

• 
  Diagnose yourself mental health
• 
  Asking for direction
• 
  Signs and symptoms bulimia
• 
  Celebrities who have bipolar
• 
  Psychology of oral sex
• 
  I am very emotional
• 
  Signs my child has adhd
• 
  Grief 3 months after death
• 
  How to masturbate secretly
• 
  How to get past divorce depression
• 
  Bipolar fish oil