Confronting a narcissistic spouse

How To Deal With Narcissistic Behaviors in a Relationship

Having a close relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be frustrating. It may also be really hurtful at times.

As a mental health condition, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may manifest differently in every person.

Some people might experience less intense symptoms and can have long-term relationships.

Others might have developed defense mechanisms that lead them to use manipulation tactics on their partners, friends, and family members.

In either case, NPD is not a personal choice. It’s not a sign that someone is a “bad person.”

What may be tagged as “problematic behaviors” is a group of symptoms of a condition that may cause great distress and distort the way someone sees themselves and others.

On the other hand, being at the receiving end of hurtful behavior can also affect your well-being and mental health.

How can you handle narcissistic behaviors in a relationship? We explore the answer in this article.

NPD is one of 10 personality disorders characterized by fragile self-esteem, need for admiration, low empathy, and self-centeredness.

It’s estimated that between 0.5% and 5% of the U.S. population may have this mental health condition. It’s more common in males.

“Narcissism is a disorder in which individuals have difficulty maintaining realistic and stable self-esteem,” explains Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, a psychotherapist who practices in New York and California.

“Individuals with more severe narcissism typically have difficulty recognizing that other people have feelings, and often prioritize their own needs over the needs, feelings, and rights of others,” he says.

To diagnose NPD, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) says that the person must persistently exhibit at least five of the following nine symptoms:

a grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
a belief that they’re “special” and unique
a need for excessive admiration
a sense of entitlement
interpersonal manipulation tactics to achieve their own ends
a lack of empathy
arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Not everyone with NPD will experience all these symptoms or in the same intensity.

More importantly, narcissistic personality goes beyond a number of behaviors or attitudes. Only a mental health professional can accurately diagnose the condition.

Also, everyone may at some point show any of these behaviors. This doesn’t mean that they have a personality disorder.

For example, you may want praise and admiration from certain people, or you might use some manipulation tactics in your relationships. This alone does not translate into having the disorder.

Understanding that narcissistic personality is a mental health condition and not a personal choice is important. It doesn’t mean you have to accept being treated in a way that may hurt you, though.

Most people with the disorder aren’t fully aware of how they behave or the consequences these behaviors might have on others. It’s part of the condition’s complexity.

This is essential to understand because it might help you realize that trying to “change” them or “show” them their wrong ways may not always be fruitful.

The opposite may happen: Calling them out on their actions could sometimes result in rage and vindictive behaviors.

“Recognizing that narcissism exists on a spectrum is important,” Ettensohn says. “Not all forms of narcissistic pathology are equal, or equally disruptive to healthy relationships.”

In all cases, it’s important for you to develop coping skills that can protect you from getting hurt.

1. Educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder

One of the best ways to protect yourself from the emotional distress of being in a relationship with a narcissistic personality is to understand the disorder.

Learning about the symptoms and complexities of NPD can help you develop empathy for your partner but also protect yourself from believing anything they do or say is “personal.”

Indeed, understanding NPD can help you depersonalize any insults, criticisms, and otherwise hurtful actions.

Acknowledging that it’s not about you but rather their own mental health condition is a powerful tool in managing a relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality.

2. Don’t idealize your partner

People with NPD may be charming, engaging, and confident at times. Consequently, they can draw people in with their attitude and energy.

As with any other relationship, it’s important not to idealize the other person but rather see them as they really are, including their not-so-charming moments.

This means you might want to look at how they treat other people, how they talk about previous relationships, and how they behave with you when they’re upset.

Having realistic expectations for what you’ll be able to get out of your relationship is important. This also involves not justifying their behavior when you feel hurt.

3. Clearly communicate how their actions affect you

Since people with NPD may be less likely to be aware how their behaviors affect you, it’s important that you make your concerns heard.

Staying quiet just for the sake of “keeping the peace” might work against you in the end.

When someone lives with NPD, any criticisms, even slight ones, can rub them the wrong way. Being prepared for a strong reaction or defensive attitude when you talk with them is also important.

“Protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse involves not allowing another person to demean, diminish, or trample your authentic thoughts and feelings,” Ettensohn explains.

“Sometimes, a simple assertive statement like ‘Hey, my feelings are important, and I don’t feel that you are listening to them or taking them seriously,’ is sufficient,” he says.

4. Set clear boundaries

Some people with NPD may feel entitled to intrude on every part of your life.

In their eyes, your main purpose in life may be to serve their needs. They might not fully realize you have your own needs.

Setting boundaries can be incredibly beneficial for managing a healthy relationship.

“When dealing with any individual who is behaving in an inappropriate manner, I would recommend setting clear boundaries using simple and clear communication, and being willing to walk away if the other person does not respect the boundaries that you set,” Ettensohn says.

It’s also important to lay out these boundaries clearly and acknowledge when they’re disrespected or challenged.

Maybe your partner constantly texts or calls you when you’re out with friends, demanding your attention. They may even become really upset and accuse you of not giving them the attention they need at the moment.

Verbalizing your boundary then is important.

You may reply with a simple “I’m busy, and I’ll get back to you when I can.” You could also be more specific and say something like, “Please don’t disrupt me when you know I’m spending time with friends or family.”

Expect pushback, but try to hold firm.

5. Don’t internalize hurtful comments

Of course, building thick skin is easier said than done. Some people are naturally more sensitive than others, and it may be difficult not to let hurtful behaviors get to you.

It’s crucial to internalize the fact that their actions aren’t a reflection of you. They’re manifestations of a personality disorder.

Taking criticisms and insults personally will quickly degrade your confidence and self-worth.

Growing thicker skin can help you maintain a healthy sense of self and a realistic expectation of your relationship.

This doesn’t mean overlooking unacceptable behaviors, though. Even if they have a mental health condition, they don’t have the right to persistently mistreat or demean you.

6. Develop a support network

In some cases, you might not receive the support and attention you need from a partner with NPD.

Cultivating new friendships and maintaining existing bonds can help you get emotional fulfillment outside your relationship.

Some people with NPD might attempt to isolate you. They might try to maintain dominance and control, so they have your attention all the time.

This might make sustaining other bonds challenging at best.

However, consider that you also need attention and support. If you’re not getting enough from the relationship, you have the right to look for it somewhere else.

7. Get your own therapist

Whether or not your partner is receiving treatment for their mental health condition, it can also be a good idea to speak with a therapist yourself.

In addition to helping you learn about and understand your partner’s narcissistic personality, a therapist can provide guidance and support.

While you may be receiving blatant or subtle messages that your needs don’t matter from your partner, a therapist can remind you to prioritize yourself.

A mental health expert can also help you recognize when your partner uses manipulation tactics or other narcissistic tactics and when this behavior crosses into abuse.

8. Prepare ahead of time if you choose to leave

Leaving a relationship with someone who has NPD can be extremely difficult.

Some people with NPD may have a difficult time letting you go without trying to pull you back in repeatedly. In some instances, they might want to have the last word, too.

Whether someone is sowing doubt in your judgment or making you feel guilty for leaving, it’s important to remember the reasons why you made the decision.

It may also be necessary to prepare beforehand and lay out clear reasons for leaving.

Though it can feel like an effective means of correcting behavior, threatening to leave and then failing to follow through may backfire.

It may give them more power and reaffirm there’s no need for them to change.

Consider saying you’re leaving only when you’re actually prepared to do so.

It can also be helpful to cut off communication entirely, as they may make attempts at drawing you back to them. They may also move on quickly from the relationship and act cruelly to you.

Ending a relationship is always difficult. You may still have great love for your partner, even if their NPD has affected you significantly.

But when behavior crosses into emotional or physical abuse, it’s time to leave.

“Sometimes, you need to make a determination whether or not the relationship is likely to improve,” says Ettensohn, who is author of “Unmasking Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissist in Your Life. ”

“It’s time to leave any time someone behaves violently or threatens violence,” he added.

According to Ettensohn, other signs it may be time to leave is when your partner repeatedly fails to recognize your feelings and engages in:

emotional abuse
verbal abuse
physical abuse
sexual abuse

“Or if you feel strongly in your gut that the relationship is unhealthy and is likely to stay that way,” it may also be time to leave, Ettensohn says.

This includes:

feeling isolated from your friends and family
doubting your self-worth
having a difficult time enjoying activities
feeling fearful to be yourself or act in certain ways around your partner
frequently feeling guilty for expressing your opinion or needs

It’s natural to hold out hope that your partner will change or grow out of their narcissistic personality.

Research does show that some narcissistic traits may decrease with age.

Long-term psychotherapy can also be effective in treating NPD. However, not many people with the disorder seek out professional support.

However, if they choose to pursue therapy, offering praise and encouragement for their decision may motivate them to continue treatment.

If change happens, it’s often a slow and gradual process that takes time, but it is possible.

Being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality may be challenging.

Although not by personal choice, the way someone with the disorder behaves can be hurtful and abusive in some instances.

The constant need for praise, low empathy, and use of manipulation tactics may affect your bond with someone with NPD.

This is why it’s important to establish clear boundaries and plan different ways to manage their attempts to exert control.

Deciphering where manipulative behavior ends and abuse begins can also be hard.

You may want to consider talking with a mental health professional if you suspect you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic behaviors.

These resources can help:

American Psychiatric Association
American Psychological Association
Asian Mental Health Collective
Association of Black Psychologists
National Alliance on Mental Illness
National Institute of Mental Health
National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
Inclusive Therapists
National Domestic Violence Hotline and Chat Support

Tips for Confronting a Narcissist

Narcissistic abuse can be subtle, but ending the cycle is possible.

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Maintaining a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can sometimes feel like too much to handle.

Characteristics of narcissism that can make a relationship feel one-sided might include:

an inflated sense of self-worth
lack of empathy
a constant need for attention

Sometimes, narcissists can even be abusive toward certain people in their lives.

Narcissistic abuse can be:

emotional
mental
physical
sexual
financial
spiritual

The harm from this type of abuse may be obvious, but in many cases is more subtle.

If you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, it’s important to recognize that you don’t deserve this type of treatment and don’t have to tolerate it.

It’s understandable to be hesitant to confront the offender. Narcissists are usually good at using manipulation to shift the blame onto others. They might even try gaslighting to make you doubt your own perceptions.

The good news is, there are some effective ways to confront a narcissist who’s using abusive tactics.

Quick exit

While many adults display a few narcissistic traits, people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have an actual personality disorder. NPD affects up to 5.3% of people.

People with NPD aren’t making behavior decisions to be narcissistic. Rather, they have a disorder that causes them to act in ways that many people often find off-putting.

Still, you don’t have to tolerate abuse from anyone, regardless of their diagnosis.

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

People with NPD are commonly driven by a desire for power — including over others — often due to underlying shame and low self-esteem.

Some tell-tale signs of NPD can include:

an exaggerated sense of self-importance
a tendency to manipulate others
strong feelings of jealousy or envy
feeling superior to others
acting arrogant or overly confident
strong desire to be more successful, smart, powerful, or attractive than others
need for constant admiration
exaggerating achievements and talents
unable to recognize the needs of others
difficulty dealing with criticism
feels rage at a challenge to their sense of grandiosity

Not everyone who has NPD will exhibit abusive behaviors, and not all abusers have NPD.

Power, control, and narcissistic abuse

The goal of narcissistic abuse is usually power.

Narcissists may try to boost their control and authority while creating doubt, shame, or dependency in the person being abused. These types of behaviors can help narcissists hide their feelings of inferiority.

In a 2021 study, researchers found that narcissistic behaviors are commonly driven by insecurity, not an inflated sense of self.

People with NPD can exhibit extreme anger and violence, including sexual abuse. Or they can use subtle tactics to manipulate others. Either way, it’s still abuse.

A narcissist will rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Generally, they deny their actions and augment the abuse by blaming the person experiencing abuse.

Symptoms of narcissistic abuse can vary in tactics and severity. A person who is a narcissistic abuser might use violence or harsh words. Or, they may manipulate you by using the silent treatment.

Abusive tactics

Common tactics used by narcissistic abusers can include:

insisting you please them
isolating you from family or friends
gaslighting you
becoming angry or physically abusive if you don’t meet their needs
verbal abuse, including belittling, bullying, threatening, or shaming
demanding unconditional love while not giving it in return
controlling your money or privacy
spreading rumors about you
acting hyper-emotional to get what they want
focusing on your imperfections and insulting you

Effects of narcissistic abuse

Being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse can be a confusing, painful experience. It can be hard to identify and avoid being the target of abuse. For some, it can be even harder to escape the abuse and manipulation once it has begun.

However, it is possible to end the cycle and regain your strength and freedom after abuse. Understanding the effects of narcissistic abuse can help you identify it.

Effects of narcissistic abuse can include:

a constant feeling that something is wrong
questioning your self-worth or sanity
feeling overly concerned about your perceived failures and flaws
difficulty knowing what’s real and what’s not
holding a narcissistic person in high regard
doing whatever their abuser tells them to do
pulling away from friends and family

Quick exit

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse where someone uses nonphysical behaviors to:

control
frighten
isolate

Narcissistic abuse can be considered a type of emotional abuse, but it can also involve other harmful behaviors, such as physical abuse.

Confronting someone with narcissistic traits or an NPD person can be challenging, but it can be important to stand up for yourself.

If you choose to confront a narcissist, it doesn’t mean you have to fight or argue. Confrontation can look like speaking up for yourself clearly and calmly. It can also look like setting personal boundaries to protect your mind, emotions, and body.

Pushback from people with NPD can be common. Appearing weak is often a narcissistic person’s biggest fear. Knowing this, try to avoid taking the words of an abuser personally.

Safety and support for domestic violence

If you feel like you’re in physical danger, don’t confront your abuser. Create an exit plan, find a temporary place to stay, and get to safety.

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for free, confidential, 24/7 care and support.
You can call loveisrespect.org at 866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522 for support if you think you could be in an abusive relationship.

In addition, you can visit The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), a domestic violence prevention advocacy group with a list of resources for relationship abuse help.

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Be assertive

Know that you deserve respect and stay firm in that belief. Try to avoid being passive, which a narcissist commonly sees as a weakness.

Stay calm

Try not to react or become aggressive, even if the narcissist does.

Strategy

Try to keep your strategy and goals in mind. Before beginning a conversation, it can be helpful to clearly understand:

what you want specifically
what the narcissist might want
what your limits are
where you have power in the relationship

Boundaries

Boundaries are rules that govern how you want to be treated.

It’s important to know what your boundaries are before you can communicate them. Try to be as clear as you can about your boundaries, even if this upsets the narcissist.

Consequences

Consequences are not threats, but actions you take to protect yourself or meet your needs. Taking measures to invoke consequences can be important if your boundaries are ignored after they’re set.

Educate yourself on NPD

Learning about NPD and narcissistic traits may help you better understand narcissistic abuse and the disorder in general.

Separate the behavior from the person

If you’re pointing out a flaw, try to honor your needs by using “I” statements about the other person’s behavior. This can help remind the narcissistic person of your boundaries and limitations they may have overstepped and the treatment you’ll accept.

It’s not your fault

People with NPR or narcissistic traits often repeatedly deflect blame and avoid feelings like shame and guilt. Try to remain aware of this tendency and recognize when this is happening.

Even writing down mantras for yourself to revisit during or after a confrontation with a narcissistic person can assist with remembering your goals and adhering to boundaries to protect your self-worth.

Therapy

Therapy is often the main treatment method for NPD. If you feel comfortable speaking frankly, it might be helpful to suggest therapy to the narcissistic person.

Be prepared that they may or may not be receptive to this idea.

Realistic expectations

Keep in mind that narcissistic people don’t typically like to admit when they’re wrong or show vulnerability. It may be wise to keep your expectations in check when it comes to them opening up and seeing your side.

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Ending abuse frequently requires support. Reaching out to family and friends to let them know what’s going on can be a positive first step.

The peer support and skills discussed during Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) meetings can also be valuable. Narcissistic people often gravitate toward those with high empathy or tendencies for codependency.

Finding a good therapist can be helpful for guidance and support. A therapist can help you develop tools to protect yourself and raise your self-worth. Over time, this can help you heal.

Quick exit

Confronting a narcissist isn’t always easy. But with the right support system and resources, you can successfully stand up for yourself.

You deserve to be treated with respect — and you can get through this.

If you feel like you’re in physical danger or might be if you confront your abuser, don’t approach them. Instead, consider creating a safety plan to get away immediately.

Try to remember that you have options, whether you want to work through the relationship or end contact completely.

Narcissistic abuse resources

Some tools to help you heal from narcissistic abuse include:

therapy
support groups, like Narcissist Abuse Support and CoDa
educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

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How does the narcissist feel when the victim stops loving him? - Psychology on vc.ru

The relationship between the narcissist and the victim is a classic Karpman triangle, in other words, a co-dependent union in which both are tied to each other. Only one is due to emotional instability and a critical difference between internal and external self-esteem, and the other is forced, because it is suppressed by a tyrant. Hence the question - what does the narcissist feel when the victim stops loving him?

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The entire palette of feelings can be divided into two stages, each of which is characterized by certain defensive reactions of the psyche. In order to understand the feelings of a narcissist a little better, it is necessary to disassemble both stages and find out the reasons for their occurrence.

Reality Encounter

The narcissist is a typical person with a serious discrepancy in self-esteem. The internal is quite high, sometimes very overpriced. A person is convinced of his greatness, sincerely believes in superiority over others, or, against the background of hypercompensation, has fallen into dependence on recognition, as he urgently needs confirmation of his existing opinion about himself.

In a nutshell, it sounds like this - I'm cool and deserve the best. Parents could impose this kind of thinking, with rare exceptions this is the standard model. As a result, we get an individual who values himself highly, is focused on the merits and is well aware of his own "pluses".

External self-esteem is critically low, because the feedback is sharply negative. Others notice serious flaws and over and over again express opinions that are radically different from the beliefs of the narcissist.

This is a collision with reality, when someone who is confident in his greatness receives completely different signals from the outside. At work, they report unsuitability, relationships do not stick together, partners constantly reject or defend their personal boundaries, not wanting to worship a mediocre companion.

Failure becomes a traumatic event. Imagine you arrived at the competition absolutely confident in your victory. Look down on your opponents, walk like a peacock with your head held high and taunt those around you. Then you hear the starting whistle and after a minute you realize that you are trailing at the end and you can’t catch up with anyone.

Shock, horror, disappointment, despair. This process will have a strong impact on the psyche, she will suddenly discover that her analysis turned out to be erroneous and all information about herself is false. People around you can easily do without you, a more qualified employee was easily found in your place, nothing stopped or broke. Moreover - your absence has led to development. It hurts.

Analysis of one's own personality and its value

Since the discrepancy between internal and external self-esteem is too strong, the psyche is forced to reduce the distance between them. In the vast majority of cases, self-awareness is drawn precisely to internal self-esteem, since it is perceived as more reliable. But this is where the daffodils break down.

This happens according to an amazing principle. One protective mechanism crashes into another. First, consciousness, when evaluating a person, relies on the self-esteem that is lower, in this case, on the external one. But at the same second, another mechanism is triggered - protection from external influences and defense of beliefs.

If we listened to everyone we met, we would soon become slaves. To prevent this from happening, our psyche actively fights for internal beliefs and throws all resources into their defense. As a result, we have a logical, albeit erroneous, conclusion - those around me who speak negatively about me are enemies. All their phrases are an attempt to humiliate, insult, offend me.

And at this moment, the focus of attention shifts to internal self-esteem, and all external signals are perceived as hostile. Here we get the emotion of anger, which becomes the driving force of the organism. Narcissus turns to a desperate struggle and goes in search of a victim..

Search and suppression of the victim

What does the narcissist need at this stage? source of recognition. The one who will give the right feelings and emotions, namely the tools to increase the sense of self-worth. To do this, the victim must be dependent and weak. It is impossible to survive without a tyrant, and the oppressed must not only feel it himself, but also voice it.

Simply put, there is someone who is unable to survive without his tormentor. He informs him and everyone else that the narcissist is very smart, beautiful, understands everything, has resources, intelligence, talents, skills. He puts a high mark, which saves the tyrant from a feeling of inferiority and mediocrity. Recognizes his greatness.

In such a situation, there are two types of victims. The first is everyone around who is at least a little more successful than a narcissist. They are devalued, criticized, ridiculed. This one is not prettier than me, she just did a hundred operations and spent a billion on cosmetics. This one is not smarter, he generally got to his position by pull. These are not richer, they just stole money, I could do that too, but I'm not like that!

The second is a close person driven into addiction. As a rule, this is a child, or a partner in a romantic relationship. Here the situation is curious - the victim receives care, affection and love, but only until he stutters about his self-sufficiency and independence.

If this is a husband, then he must submit to his wife totally. If the wife became the victim, then she falls under the influence of a tyrant, has no right to her own opinion, must meet expectations, recognize her position under her husband and not object to this.

The child must be obedient, fulfill the unfulfilled dreams of the parent, follow all instructions, forget about his identity and never leave the significant adult. It is the parent who chooses the soulmate for his child, he (a) evaluates and gives consent. If not, then the children will have to end the relationship, otherwise their act will be perceived as a betrayal.

Act of aggression

Naturally, in most cases, the victim starts to resist. And this leads to the narcissist trying to prove his importance. The fight begins. So the spouse is deprived of what he needs to understand how much he needs a tyrant. It comes to a frank insertion of sticks into the wheels. There is only one goal - he must realize the value, crawl with an apology and return the crown to the head of his tormentor.

Narcissistic parents suppress their child's individuality, making him helpless and weak. Any distance will be perceived as betrayal and stupidity. Your wife doesn't love you like I do. Your husband is just using you, not like me. You will be lost without me, you lived with me like in a fairy tale.

Negative comments about oneself will appear to the narcissist as an act of attack. This is clearly seen in political dictators who simply cannot survive the protests from the people. Any negative assessments cause anger, because the narcissist is sure that I am great and all "normal" people see this, and the rest are just outcasts who dream of offending me!

The narcissistic mother will turn into a disgusting mother-in-law and mother-in-law. Romantic relationships with such people become a nightmare with regular emotional and even physical abuse. Getting a narcissist into power will end with a totalitarian regime with prohibitions, repressions and poverty of his own people. He is obliged to depend on the tyrant and beg for a piece of bread so that he once again feels his importance.

Instead of total

All that the narcissist feels when the victim stops loving him is anger, anger and hatred. From the point of view of psychology, the design is outrageously simple. The tyrant thinks he is beautiful, but others refuse to accept this and give a real assessment of his significance.

The psyche is unable to take such a heavy blow and first looks for those who will give opposite signals, that is, confirm the greatness of the poor fellow, and then proceeds to suppress the sources of negative assessments. And there are many of them, because a mediocre person can only hear praise out of flattery.

This is what causes anger, which results in aggressive behavior towards those who continue to remind the narcissist of the real state of affairs. The reality is so traumatic for such people that they have no choice but to fight for recognition. And in what ways to knock out the right words from others, it doesn’t matter anymore. I am great and beautiful, you better agree with this, otherwise I will be forced to defend myself!

what is it and how does it manifest itself? — Vladislav Kocheryzhkin on vc.ru

Group narcissism is a phenomenon in social psychology when an individual considers the group to which he belongs stronger, better and more worthy of all the others. As a result, each member of the team believes in its (the group's) superiority and expects special treatment, recognition, honor. He exaggerates the significance and importance of his society, puts him above others and shows aggression in case of refusal to obey.

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If someone refuses to appreciate their ideology and submissively accept their beliefs, we can observe two patterns of behavior. The first is based on the manifestation of force in order to suppress and force submission. The second is based on depreciation, humiliation and insults.

The emergence of the term "group narcissism"

This phenomenon was first discovered by the Polish psychologist Henri Teschfel. He studied the theory of social identity and, as a result of his work, came to the manifestations of narcissism described by Sigmund Freud a few years earlier.

Each member of the group, whether it is a team based on common interests, a common religion, nationality, language and cultural values, or a team performing common work duties, tends to look for positive features of the society in which he is located. Having discovered any advantages, he begins to associate himself with this group and the process of social identity is built on this.

When a person is expelled from all groups or is in danger of being expelled, there is a fear of rejection. When an individual does not feel self-sufficient and lives in dangerous conditions for life and health, there is a desire for conformity, that is, a desire to join the strongest team, regardless of the morality and beliefs of this group. The same Machiavellianism.

But Henri Taschfel noticed another strange pattern of behavior. Many people within the collective looked for the distinctive features and unique characteristics of their group, and then naively believed that all this was superior to the rest. Greatness, which must obey!

Causes of group narcissism

Taschfel's discovery was instantly picked up by both psychologists and sociologists. Together they studied narcissism, trying to understand how a new entity emerges, built on collective insanity. How does it happen that a mass of people, individual and unique personalities, suddenly begin to shout about their greatness and treat representatives of other groups with disdain? There must be something in common between them.

And this common thing was found. We are all part of several communities in one way or another. Speakers of the same language, representatives of the same religion, residents of a common territory, adherents of certain cultural values. This also includes nationality and nation. But not everyone is subject to group narcissism.

Psychologically, an individual must possess several personality traits in order to be subject to group narcissism. And when there are too many such people in the group, this phenomenon arises, collective insanity often turning into resentment.

Compensation

Psychologists, including the same Tashfel and Robert Raskin and Howard Terry, who followed him, called an unfulfilled desire for self-realization one of the first reasons for this behavior. The missed stage of self-actualization turns into an absolute failure in later life, and then the person begins to look for support in the outside world.

For many, the only salvation is a group in which they, weak and mediocre, feel strong and successful. Yes, I didn’t find myself in this life, I didn’t achieve anything and failed all my plans, but I’m part of a powerful community and this is my greatness!

Striving for power

This is also a form of compensation. In classical narcissism, a narcissistic mother suppresses her child in order to get the right emotions and feel superior in the moment of dependence on her. As long as the child is helpless and unable to live without a mother, she indulges her pride and feels her own value.

When the victim gets out of control, restraint tools are used, and if they fail, the child's success is called into question. Your wife does not feed you well, your husband does not provide for you, you are dirty, a mess, there is no love. Not like with me, I gave you all the best, you didn’t need anything.

The same thing happens in group narcissism. Representatives of the group seek to subjugate all other communities to their power and enjoy their obedience. They demand to admit that without them it was bad and only with them it became good. If this fails, then they resort to forceful suppression, or ridicule, insult and humiliate in order to rise.

Demonstration of superiority

Returning to classical narcissism, we see how the narcissist demonstrates his superiority over others. Likes to brag, flaunts all the achievements and successes. He often passes off minor victories as a great triumph, and benefits that do not depend on it (for example, appearance) as the result of his own work.

Group narcissists act in the same way, only on a community scale. We have what you do not have, we are better, our successes are the result of work and perseverance, and everything that you received fell from the sky, just lucky. Or it will end soon.

We could do it too, but we don't need it

At one fine moment, the narcissist is faced with a situation in which it becomes impossible to deny the successes of the "opponents". The representatives of the other group are really doing better and without their opponents they are doing great with everything. It's very hard to go through this.

Then protection by values and beliefs is activated. Yes, Tanya’s husband is both handsome and rich, and I have a drunkard, but I could also grab an oligarch for myself, they ran after me, I’m just a decent, caring, faithful and devoted woman. Let me have such a spouse, but I chose a man once and did not turn away from him no matter what. I am a heroine, and although you live better, you have no morals, you spit on values and sank to the bottom!

Representatives of group narcissism defend themselves in much the same way. We could also be rich and happy, but we have our own way, we are faithful to the choice that we made and follow our personal banner! It is better to live badly, poorly and sadly, if only not to become like you!

Dependent on approval

Narcissists are in dire need of approval and recognition. It is important for them to look perfect in the eyes of other people. When they receive this, they feel complete, otherwise they write down those around them as enemies. They are not destined to understand that people have the right not to praise them, if there is nothing for it.

Narcissus thinks he is so beautiful that odes of praise are a matter of course. If someone dares to put a low mark or speak negatively, then he is definitely an enemy and poses a threat. Everyone envy us, they want to destroy us, they threaten us and stuff like that.

Beliefs in the narcissistic group

As a result, all members of the community form a single conviction, which turns into a driving force. Each of them not only has a strange but strong opinion, but also reinforces it in communication with the rest. Collective madness relies on several destructive inferences.

First, others are obliged to recognize our authority, because the greatness of my group is undeniable and indisputable. Secondly, we have the right and duty to influence other groups in order to force them to a correct life, because they cannot do it without us. Third, if our community led all others, the world would be beautiful. Fourth, everyone should talk about us, often, a lot, and only in a positive way, because how can you underestimate our contribution to their fate?!

Fifth, we can't stop until we've achieved everything we set out to do, and that's what makes us different from others. Sixth - they must respect us, they don't want to love, let them be afraid. Seventh, representatives of other groups do not have their own values and are not ready to defend the rights of the collective, while we defend the interests of our community at any time and at any cost.

Struggle with individuality

For a healthy person, all his goals, desires, needs and dreams begin in himself. He understands that success can only be achieved through self-realization, raising education and gaining knowledge and skills. Self-reliance becomes a key factor in personal growth.

Group narcissism is built on losers, each of whom is desperate and does not see any resources in himself. Individually, these are people who are lost, living in fear that one day there will be a collision with reality and they will have to admit their worthlessness.

For them, there is only one way to avoid this fate - to become a member of a strong group. Let this group succeed and bring victories, and I'll just be one of the. . Didn't actually do anything, but it's me, it's us! Based on these beliefs, such people have a primitive idea - to subjugate those who are able to do something, achieve success and victories. And when he brings the trophy, I'll just join.

Group narcissism is always a rigid hierarchy with aggression within the community. They do not need a leader, they need someone who promises success and brings it, allowing them to consider themselves one of the winners without making any effort. They are ready to submit and praise, if only they were given a sense of greatness.

At the same time, individualists who do not want to stray into a pack, let alone share their achievements with losers, are declared enemies. Their refusal to drag the motionless and mediocre on their hump is perceived as an attack. At this moment, everyone turns to the one who promised victory and are waiting for decisive action. All dissenters must either be subdued, or exiled, or destroyed.

Why does group narcissism always end in defeat?

The hierarchy consists in the fact that there are several layers of participants in it. Those same compensators who want to feel like a normal, successful person at the expense of the group. An imaginary leader who received total power in exchange for victory and greatness for the community. Individualists who disagree with the behavior of the collective.

The first are waiting for trophies. They praise the leader but demand something that can be considered a victory, proof of superiority, evidence of power over other groups. Ready to endure and give up their needs, if only to eventually try on the crown without making any effort. The problem is that these people are not capable of anything and, with all their desire, do not deserve the crown.

The leader is trapped. Everything was given to him, he is praised, supported, approved, obeyed and idolized, which is very pleasant. But at the same time, as soon as the narcissistic collective realizes that it does not bring trophies, it is expelled. Because all these people can not achieve anything and all their obedience is based on the hope that the group gives them. If it is no more, then the meaning of participation is lost.

There are those very talented, self-sufficient, successful ones. But they don't want to be part of a group of losers. They want a real leader who is an example and a beacon. They demand freedom and conditions for self-development. These are the same people who are able to pull the group up and compete with opponents with dignity.

They are trying with all their might to subordinate their ideas, to which they will never agree. Then they are expelled or destroyed. As a result, the narcissistic group is a bunch of losers who are waiting for victories, but are unable to achieve them. At the head is a leader who is not one. He feeds on the resources of the crowd, but trophies are expected from him, which he himself is not able to bring. Relying on losers is a failed idea from the start, and individuals have long been banished from the community.

A weak team, built on the principle of hierarchy, is forced to act aggressively, because the main need of each of them is recognition.

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