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Filming my roommate

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Chapter 8. Love Language 5: Touch

Chapter 1. What happens to love after marriage?

Chapter 2 Empty Vessels of Love

Chapter 3 Falling in Love

Chapter 4 Love Language 1: Words of Encouragement

Chapter 5 Love Language 2: Time

Chapter 6 Love Language 3: Gifts

Love Language 4: Help



It's no secret that touch is one way to express love. Studies confirm that babies who are often picked up, hugged, kissed, physically and emotionally develop faster than those who are left alone for a long time. However, this is not a modern discovery. When the Jews recognized Christ as a great teacher, they brought their children to him “so that he might touch them.”*

Remember, the disciples thought that Christ did not have time to deal with such trifles, and did not want to let these parents in. But Jesus was indignant and said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for of such is the kingdom of God. I tell you truly, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it. And embracing them, he laid his hands on them and blessed them.”** Wise parents know how much affection children need.

photo of Anna Gradovich

Touch can also express marital love.

For some, this is the only way to feel it. They need to hold hands. They need to be kissed and hugged. Then their vessels of love are filled and they know they are loved. Otherwise, they are not sure of the love of their spouse.

There is a saying: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." In other words, dinner will help you win love. Therefore, many women feed their husbands as for slaughter. And yet it would be more correct to say: "The way to the heart of some men is through the stomach." One person told me: “My wife spends the whole day at the stove. She cooks wonderfully, invents new dishes. For whom?! I love potatoes with meat. I don't need fine dining. When I tell her this, she gets offended. She thinks I don't appreciate her. And I just feel sorry for her wasting so much time. If she wasn't in the kitchen all day, we could be together and she'd have the energy to do something else." It was obvious that "something else" was much dearer to his heart than food.

This woman made a mistake. Her mother was an excellent cook, and every time, getting up from the table, her father said: “Everything was very tasty again! I love you so much!" He appreciated her efforts, at home and away, he did not miss the opportunity to praise his wife's culinary talent. His daughter learned: to please a man, you need to feed him deliciously. Yes, that's just her husband did not get her father. Her husband did not understand this language of love.

From a conversation with him, I quickly realized that "something else" meant sex. Then he believed in her love. But if, for some reason, she refused intimacy, all culinary delights were in vain, he doubted that she loved him. He also liked good food, but food could hardly replace what he called "true love."

Touch can express love and sometimes hate.

Sex is just one of the dialects of this language. Touch differs from the other four senses in that touch receptors are located throughout the body, rather than in any one area. They perceive external stimuli and convert them into electrical signals. The brain analyzes these signals. This is how we recognize hot and cold, hard and soft. We can feel good or hurt. So you can feel whether we are loved or hated.

Some parts of the body are more sensitive to external stimuli. This is explained by the fact that receptors are unevenly distributed throughout the body. So, on the tip of the tongue, on the fingertips, on the tip of the nose there are a lot of them, but on the shoulders and on the back there are relatively few. However, we will not delve into physiology. Consider this question from the point of view of psychology.

Touch can express love or hate. If your spouse speaks this language, he will believe touches more than the words "I love you" and "I hate you." A slap in the face is offensive to any child, but for a child whose mother tongue is touched, nothing could be worse. Kissing is pleasant to all children, but a child who speaks this language sees love in them. The same with adults.

You can express love to your spouse in the language of touch in different ways. There are tactile receptors throughout the body, which means that any gentle touch speaks of love. But some are more pleasant for your spouse. Which? Better to ask him about it. If you want to love him, you must know his dialect. You should touch him the way he likes and when he wants to. Perhaps some touches are unpleasant for him. And if he tells you about it, try to avoid them, otherwise you will no longer express love. This will mean that you only care about yourself, and he is indifferent to you. It would be a mistake to assume that what you like is also pleasant to him.

There are touches that require attention from you: massages, intimate relationships. But touches can also be fleeting. For example, pouring coffee into a cup, you put your hand on his shoulder; or, passing by, lightly snuggle up to him. Of course, the first kind of touch requires much more time, because first you need to understand what pleases your spouse. If he wants you to give him a massage, sign up for a massage course and learn. Spare neither time nor money. If his native dialect is sexual intimacy, read the appropriate books to help you express love to him.

Fleeting touches do not take time, but can be much more difficult for you, especially if this language is foreign to you and you are not used to tenderness. When you sit next to you and watch TV, hug your spouse, this does not require special strength, but it will tell him about love. When he leaves for work or comes home, kiss him, it won't take long, but it's very important to him.

Once you have realized that touch is your spouse's native language, you are only limited by your imagination. If you used to avoid tenderness in public, change your habits. In a restaurant, hold your wife's hand when leaving, hug her waist, kiss her when you get into the car. This is how you fill her vessel of love. If your wife is out shopping, kiss her goodbye and maybe she'll be back early. Be gentle. But do not forget to ask if your touch is pleasant to your spouse. Remember, he has the last word. You are learning his language.


My soul lives in my body. To touch my body means to touch me. To push him away means to move away from me. To greet each other, people shake hands when they meet. If someone suddenly refuses to give me a hand, I will understand that our relationship has deteriorated. Every nation has its own customs. Once in Europe, an American feels awkward when, upon meeting, they rush to him with hugs. But for a European, this is a common form of greeting.

There are social norms about what is acceptable and what is not when dealing with people of the opposite sex. In marriage, such norms are established only by the husband and wife. However, not everything is allowed here. Society stands up for victims of beatings and abuse.

When your spouse is in grief, you should support him. If touch is his native language, he finds solace in it.

Nowadays, many preach sexual freedom. We hear that husband and wife are not required to be faithful. Even if we do not consider adultery immoral, you must admit that we are not able to give a spouse such freedom. If we knew that he was deceiving us, we would be very hurt, the feeling of intimacy would be gone. But for someone who speaks the language of touch, this is a real trauma, and it is very difficult to recover from it. After all, for him it means that the spouse gave his love to another. The vessel of love is not just empty, it is broken. It will take a lot of time and effort to glue it.


When we are in trouble, we want someone to give us a hand. Literally. Why? Touch expresses love. And if a person is having a hard time, he needs love. Love helps him cope with trouble.

Tragedies happen in everyone's life. Parents are dying. Car accidents claim thousands of lives every year. When your spouse is in grief, you should support him. Nothing supports like love. If touch is his native language, he finds solace in it. It doesn't matter what you say; he will see your sympathy only when you hug him. In difficult times it is necessary to express love, it is remembered forever. Otherwise, your spouse will decide that you do not love him.

For many years I have been invited to two-day seminars in Florida. On one of these visits, I met Pete and Patsy. They moved to Florida twenty years ago (it seems that in this state all visitors) and have long settled down. My seminar was sponsored by a local church, and on the way from the airport, the pastor suggested that I stay not at the hotel, but with his parishioners, Pete and Patsy. I pretended to be delighted, although I knew from experience how it ends. All evening I will have to solve their family problems and I will go to bed long after midnight. However, I was in for a surprise, and not alone.

At home we found Patsy and a cat named Charlie. I was introduced to both. Finally, I could look around. I really liked the house, spacious, bright, in the Spanish style. One of two things, either Pete is a successful businessman, or he robs banks. As it turned out later, my first assumption was true. When I was taken to the guest room, I saw that Charlie was already there, right in the middle of the bed. I thought: "Yes, this cat is the owner here. "

Pete came soon after. We had a quick bite to eat and decided that after the seminar we would have dinner together. In the evening I asked myself when they would finally talk about their problems. I'm used to seeing dysfunctional families, that's my job. And here everything seems to be in order. Happy marriage. Even suspicious. I wanted to solve their secret, but I was too tired and decided to think about it tomorrow with a fresh mind. Besides, Pete and Patsy promised to give me a ride to the airport the next day, we'll have time to talk. I went to bed.

Charlie graciously gave me the bed and walked out the door. I could not stand on my feet from fatigue, put out the light and a minute later I was already dozing. But then something heavy fell on top of me. I heard that there are giant scorpions in Florida, but this one was even too big. Still half awake, I grabbed the monster and, with a wild howl, threw it against the wall. A thump followed. My hosts ran to the noise, the lights flashed, and we saw Charlie lying motionless on the floor.

A few seconds later he came to his senses and ran out into the corridor like a bullet. I will never forget this night. And Charlie is unlikely to forget me. Pete and Patsy later told me that the cat has been avoiding the guest room ever since.

I didn't think anyone from this family would have warm feelings for me, but I insulted their cat so much. But the fears were in vain. The next day, after the seminar ended, Pete came up to me: “Dr. Chapman, I have never heard anyone explain so well what happened in our family. Everything you say about love languages ​​is true. I can't wait to tell you our story!" A few minutes later I said goodbye to the participants of the seminar, and we went to the airport. On the way, I listened to Pete and Patsy's story.

photo by Anna Gradovich

They grew up together. Studied at the same school. Even then, everyone around said that "they were made for each other." They themselves thought so. Their parents belonged to the same circle. They had the same interests. Both loved to play tennis, ride a boat, read the same books. No one doubted, this is the perfect couple. How can people who are so similar can quarrel?

They noticed each other when they were in their senior year. Then they left home, went to different colleges, but at least once a month, and sometimes more often, they saw each other. At the end of the first year, they decided to get married, but first they had to finish their studies. Everything was going great. For three years they lived according to this schedule: on one weekend he comes to her, on the second - she to him, on the third they go home, but, of course, they spend more time with each other than with their parents ”then they rest from each other are minding their own business. And so every month. They broke the schedule only on special occasions, such as birthdays. They got married three weeks after they graduated, he was a manager, she was a sociologist. Two months later they moved to Florida, where Pete found a job. Parents were two thousand miles away. Ahead was the "eternal honeymoon."

And indeed, nothing overshadowed their life for the next three months: they were looking for an apartment, settling in a new place. The only time they argued was when Pete said Patsy couldn't wash dishes. Then they decided that they would take turns washing the dishes, that's all. They had been living together for six months, when Patsy suddenly felt that Pete was moving away from her. He worked late, and when he returned home, he immediately sat down at the computer. When she asked what was going on, he explained that it is always difficult for beginners, that he needs to prove himself well. Patsy, of course, was unhappy, but what could be done.

Patsy made friends with the neighbors, and when she knew that Pete would be back late, she went shopping with them. Sometimes Pete would come and she wasn't there yet. Of course, this annoyed him, he told her that she was irresponsible. Patsy replied: “Look at you! If anyone is irresponsible, it's you. How can I be at home when you arrive if I don't know when you will arrive? You never call, never warn. And anyway, why do you need a wife? Isn't a computer enough for you?

In response, Pete shouted: “You don't understand anything! I need a wife! Do you hear? Wife!"

Patsy didn't really understand what was going on. In search of an answer, she went to the library and borrowed several books on marriage. It shouldn't be like this, she decided. “We need to find a way out.” Now Pete was at the computer and she was reading. Sometimes until late at night. Pete would go to bed and, seeing her with a book, would say, "I wish you hadn't read so much in college, you'd be an A student." Patsy replied: “I'm not a student, I'm your wife. And now I would have had three. Pete was leaving.

A year has passed and Patsy is desperate to do something herself.

A year later, Patsy despaired of doing anything on her own and informed Pete that she wanted to see a psychologist. She asked:

- Will you come with me? Pete replied:

- I don't need a psychologist. I hate wasting time and money on this.

— Then I will go alone.

- Go. Maybe you'll learn something useful.

This ended the conversation. It seemed to Patsy that her husband didn't care what happened to their family. The next week she went to see a psychologist. She met with him three times, then managed to persuade Pete to go for a consultation. The healing process has begun. And six months later they were happy again. I asked:

— What did you learn then? What saved your marriage?

— I learned to speak Patsy's native language, and she mastered mine. Of course, our psychologist called it differently, but the essence was the same. When I listened to your lecture today, I understood this. I remembered what we did to improve relations. We really learned the language of another.

— And what is your native language? I asked Pete.

“Touches,” he answered confidently.

"Yes," Patsy confirmed.

— And yours? I turned to her.

- Time. I needed his attention. And he was engaged in work, spent hours sitting in front of the computer.

— How did you determine that the husband speaks the language of touch?

— It didn't become clear right away. The psychologist helped us. I don't think Pete himself realized how important this was to him.

“Yes, really,” Pete said. “I was very ill at the time, but I hardly knew why. I was so unsure of myself. And all because she didn't touch me. I never asked for it out loud, but I wanted to. The initiative always belonged to me, but before the wedding she responded to my caresses, we hugged, held hands. And after the wedding, she happened to push me away. Maybe she was tired at work. Don't know. But for me it was an insult. I thought she didn't like me. And I decided to leave her alone, no longer approached her.

I wondered when she herself would want to hug me. I've been waiting two months! It was unbearable. I began to stay late at work in order to see her less often. I was in so much pain. I thought she fell out of love with me.

"I didn't know he was in pain," said Patsy. - Of course, I noticed a change: he no longer hugged me, did not kiss. But I decided, probably, now that we are married, it is no longer so important to him. In addition, he was tired at work. I didn't think he was waiting for me to take the lead. It didn't even cross my mind. I cooked for him, cleaned the apartment, tried not to disturb him. I really didn't understand what he was missing. He didn't pay any attention to me. I was so worried. I never really wanted to touch him. It's not at all because he doesn't like me. It's just not the most important thing for me. I wanted to be with him more often. Then I would feel his love. We spent a lot of time to find the cause of all the troubles. But as soon as I discovered that I was not fulfilling his need for love, as soon as I began to take more initiative, everything changed. He became completely different. He wanted to be with me more often. I had a husband again.

- And the computer? Does he still work from home? I asked.

“Yes.” Patsy smiled. - But very rarely, when it is really necessary. And I'm no longer jealous of his computer. I know he loves me. After all, he is always so attentive.

“And you know,” Pete said, “what struck me today. Lecture on love languages. In twenty minutes, your listeners have learned everything that we have been studying for six months.

- It doesn't matter how long you have studied it; it's important that you get it right.

Pete is one of many for whom touch is their native language of love. They need to physically feel that their spouse is nearby. If your companion speaks this language, you should hold hands, massage him, hug him, kiss him. Any kindness is important to him, then he will feel your love.

to be continued…

“I will help myself” | PSYCHOLOGIES

My colleague Tatiana died of cancer. Smart, professional, very reliable, my age... Hard. But it was even harder to find out that she did not want to be treated - she did not even begin to clarify the diagnosis. She only said that her guru (and Tatyana has recently been fond of meditation and Zen Buddhism) said: chemotherapy will destroy her spirituality ... Spirituality. That's what I wanted to talk about.

Tatyana was a giver. Three own children, adopted children. She taught and healed them, gave herself. I remember how difficult it was for her to love adopted children. And Tatyana was always strict with herself, she was never fully satisfied with herself. This then helped to survive. This life was right for her. This was her spirituality.

When the children grew up, she was able to start studying psychotherapy, became a good coach and psychotherapist. The strength of her personality conquered. She has helped many people, students and clients. Helping her was like breathing. "Spirit" and "breath" are the same root words.

We need an honest look at ourselves. But even more we need not to give up on ourselves in a difficult situation

And so she did not consider it necessary to help herself. Even try. To take tests, do a biopsy, spend nights on the Internet in search of doctors and medicines. I'm sure she would have done it to help any of us. But for some reason she did not include herself in the list of people worthy of help.

I can stand up for myself, be responsible for myself, and it is important for me to look at myself critically. But are benevolence, a friendly attitude towards oneself added to this critical attitude?

We need an honest look at ourselves. But even more we need not to give up on ourselves in a difficult situation. We must try to understand ourselves, to reconnect with ourselves.

Yes, and repentance itself is also possible only when we can become close to ourselves again (we feel this closeness as a warm lump in the solar plexus or behind the sternum, it rises and bursts into tears through the lump in the throat). This is a source of strength necessary to correct the wrong, to fight for yourself, not to leave yourself in trouble.

In sorrow and in joy, we deserve devotion and friendly participation

It seems to me that this is the pinnacle of spirituality. Such an attitude towards oneself requires courage. As the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said: "No war requires from a person such courage, which is required by looking into oneself."

This is a touch of value - not the value that we have or have lost, but the unconditional value that we were, and are, and will remain, no matter how painful the experience of someone else's depreciation we may carry in ourselves. In sorrow and in joy, we deserve devotion and friendly participation. First of all, from myself - that, perhaps, the only person who has a long-term, deep and lasting relationship with us.

It is very important to live with this attitude. After all, then there will definitely be someone who will not leave me and will not betray me in trouble, who will look for a doctor, information about new drugs, money, finally.

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