How to deal with narcissistic child

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

My daughter who is 18 fits most of these (narcissistic) examples. For the last year, after her second suicide attempt, I have probably been way too lenient on her because of my fear of losing her. I truly feel at my wit’s end with her unfair accusations and manipulative behavior and have now had to reconcile losing her in one way or another in order to save myself. She lives with me. How can I support her while still enforcing safe boundaries? What strategies have helped others, especially when she wants to engage in a battle with me (at 1 am) and starts threatening to move out, sleep in the car, or harm herself?

This is an excerpt taken from a comment on the article Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. The mother is struggling with how to cope, manage, and deal with an adult narcissistic child who threatens to harm themselves. Her concern is very valid as narcissists have one of the highest suicidal rates of any personality disorder. Here are some strategies she can use to help both herself and her child:

Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterward.
Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to hide that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissists abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesnt re-traumatize, and energy to release pent-up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is essential to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.

Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyones behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood dramatically increases. Confronting head-on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
Dont tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissists abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints an entirely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
Dont lose your identity. Narcissists have a way of trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that others lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

These strategies can help when living with a narcissist. Whether you find yourself related to a narcissist through blood or marriage, creating these healthy boundaries and limiting the amount of control the narcissist has over you and others will help to create a safer environment for all involved parties. Remember, if you are having difficulty on your own, there are always resources you can use to seek help, something you should never hesitate to do if needed.

Last medically reviewed on August 31, 2018

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

Conditions
- Featured
  - Addictions
  - Anxiety Disorder
  - ADHD
  - Bipolar Disorder
  - Depression
  - PTSD
  - Schizophrenia
- Articles
  - Adjustment Disorder
  - Agoraphobia
  - Borderline Personality Disorder
  - Childhood ADHD
  - Dissociative Identity Disorder
  - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  - Narcolepsy
  - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
  - Panic Attack
  - Postpartum Depression
  - Schizoaffective Disorder
  - Seasonal Affective Disorder
  - Sex Addiction
  - Specific Phobias
  - Teenage Depression
  - Trauma
Discover
- Wellness Topics
  - Black Mental Health
  - Grief
  - Emotional Health
  - Sex & Relationships
  - Trauma
  - Understanding Therapy
  - Workplace Mental Health
- Original Series
  - My Life with OCD
  - Caregivers Chronicles
  - Empathy at Work
  - Sex, Love & All of the Above
  - Parent Central
  - Mindful Moment
- News & Events
  - Mental Health News
  - COVID-19
  - Live Town Hall: Mental Health in Focus
- Podcasts
  - Inside Mental Health
  - Inside Schizophrenia
  - Inside Bipolar
Quizzes
- Conditions
  - ADHD Symptoms Quiz
  - Anxiety Symptoms Quiz
  - Autism Quiz: Family & Friends
  - Autism Symptoms Quiz
  - Bipolar Disorder Quiz
  - Borderline Personality Test
  - Childhood ADHD Quiz
  - Depression Symptoms Quiz
  - Eating Disorder Quiz
  - Narcissim Symptoms Test
  - OCD Symptoms Quiz
  - Psychopathy Test
  - PTSD Symptoms Quiz
  - Schizophrenia Quiz
- Lifestyle
  - Attachment Style Quiz
  - Career Test
  - Do I Need Therapy Quiz?
  - Domestic Violence Screening Quiz
  - Emotional Type Quiz
  - Loneliness Quiz
  - Parenting Style Quiz
  - Personality Test
  - Relationship Quiz
  - Stress Test
  - What's Your Sleep Like?
Resources
- Treatment & Support
  - Find Support
  - Suicide Prevention
  - Drugs & Medications
  - Find a Therapist

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterward.
Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to hide that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissists abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesnt re-traumatize, and energy to release pent-up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is essential to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.
Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyones behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood dramatically increases. Confronting head-on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
Dont tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissists abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints an entirely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
Dont lose your identity. Narcissists have a way of trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that others lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

Last medically reviewed on August 31, 2018

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

How to behave with a narcissistic child

Photo depositphotos

What to do if a child constantly demands attention, provokes others and behaves defiantly and defiantly. In Europe, in such cases, it is customary to immediately invite parents and a teacher to a special coach who will help to understand the child and find their own approaches to raising him. There are no such programs in Russia yet. Teachers themselves have to find ways to interact with such children. The author of the telegram channel "Atypical Narcissism" Tanya Pieters tells what can and cannot be done with difficult children.

What is narcissism in children

9-year-old Vadim asked his classmate to play with his typewriter, and then threw it out the window. The toy fell on the concrete pavement and shattered into pieces. When Vadim was asked why he did this, he replied that the classmate was to blame, and gave his version of what happened. The boy was unhappy that his friend brought an expensive car to school, because he himself does not have one.

12-year-old Olesya argues with everyone until she is proven right. Even if she is wrong a hundred times, it is impossible to convince her of this. Only her opinion matters and only her words are true.

11-year-old Pavlik does not offend anyone and is generally a very quiet boy. Very quietly, Pavlik does nasty things, shifting responsibility onto someone else. And then he enjoys the spectacle of someone else's quarrel, and if he's lucky, then fights.

You probably recognize a student in the class or your child in these stories. Children who are narcissists are usually very visible.

Narcissism is the ability of a person to admire only himself and take only himself seriously. Only one's own desires matter, only their state is important. In adults, narcissism is diagnosed and classified. And then it is treated, though not always successfully.

According to Jean Piaget's theory of human development, narcissism is a natural part of the formation of personality, which takes place at the second stage of four and falls on the primary school age. Children during this period are filled with egocentrism and undeveloped cause-and-effect thinking. When the child enters another stage of development, the narcissistic manifestations will disappear. The main thing is that the personality does not get stuck in the stages of development.

How to deal with daffodils for teachers

Firstly, accept for yourself that this behavior is part of personality development and it will not work to change the child's behavior quickly. Children do not yet know how to masterfully cope with their emotions. Often they do not even understand what they are experiencing in the current situation. This frightens them, and in order to drown out this fear, they may behave inappropriately. However, this behavior can be considered the norm. You need a clear understanding that at this moment the child needs help. Real professional help should be provided by a family psychologist, not teachers.

True, sometimes such students have inadequate parents, so when talking, you must be extremely correct and accurate so that this child is not accidentally killed by angry parents.

Secondly, must strictly observe the boundaries, that is, be strict, but not aggressive. Do not get into arguments with such a child. As soon as you start arguing with him, you have lost. It doesn’t matter here whether you are right, whether you plugged him into the belt with your arguments or kicked him out of the class. You lost because you moved from the major league of "wise teacher" to the "negligent student" battlefield. In other words, you showed your weakness.

Of course, there are children who will deliberately tease you, test your boundaries, show off their bad behavior in front of classmates. It is very difficult to stay within the boundaries at such moments. Try to take care of yourself first. Let your stress out at home. During the conflict itself, try to focus on your breath. Count your inhales and exhales, not out loud, of course. Often the silence of an adult has a greater effect on a child than all the cries put together.

Third, don't ignore the problem. Sometimes there is a temptation to "just ignore" in the hope that the child will calm down on his own without receiving the necessary recognition. If possible, try to take the raging student to the school psychologist. They know exactly what to do.
Try to figure out the reason for such an act of the child. Did he want to draw attention to himself at any cost and did his deskmates help him in this, the losers from the next row - all became providers of the necessary emotions. Or did he want to avoid the test in this way, knowing that you would put him out? In the latter case, you can conduct an individual control test with him, keeping an eye on him and not letting him cheat.

Fourth, be consistent. If you decide to scare a bully with an unscheduled test, do it. If you say that the whole class is going on an excursion, except for him, make sure that this can really be implemented. Empty threats are very easy to see through and it will no longer be possible to use them, and the student will feel his strength.

In general, this advice applies not only to punishments. Try to be honest with students. Children sense lies and lose respect for you. Well, with those whom you do not respect, you can behave as you like, it is even an honor.

Be sure to talk to the school psychologist about the student. There can be a lot of reasons for such behavior, starting from the hypersensitivity of the child himself and ending with domestic violence. In any case, he needs the help of adults to go through this difficult period of personal development.

From the author: Tanya Pieters, the author of the Atypical Narcissism telegram channel.

My child is a daffodil! What to do – DW – 01/18/2022

Photo: khosro Rajabkordi/Zoonar/picture alliance

SocietyGlobal topics

Julia Vergin | Pavel Mylnikov

January 18, 2022

The desire to be in the center of attention, an excessive sense of self-importance and the desire to achieve one's own - such signs of narcissism can also appear in children. What should parents do?

https://p.dw.com/p/45de7

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Narcissism has an unenviable reputation. Most of us immediately come to mind narcissistic and extremely sensitive to criticism egoists. And besides, they are capable of showing aggression if they do not receive the admiration that, in their own opinion, they deserve.

However, from the point of view of developmental psychology, the narcissistic phase in a child's life is not only natural, but also extremely important for the development of a stable psyche. Such natural or healthy narcissism helps a person to build scenarios for the future, believe in himself and his own worth, and achieve a kind of autarky - the ability to develop their own plans and turn them into reality, write psychiatrists Michael Lipp (Michael Lipp) and Anne Karow (Anne Karow) in an article about childhood and adolescent narcissism.

Therefore, specialists are very careful when talking about narcissistic personality disorder when it comes to children or adolescents. The origins of personality disorders originate in early childhood and manifest themselves as they grow older. But the diagnosis is often made only in adulthood.

How does narcissism manifest itself in children?

However, it is important to recognize an exaggerated tendency to narcissism in one's own child, not only because the behavior of children, showing delusions of grandeur and constantly seeking attention to themselves, is extremely tiring for parents, teachers and peers.

"Narcissism does not make a person happy," says Eddie Brummelman, a developmental psychologist at the University of Amsterdam who studies the development of self-awareness in children. His writings are sure to catch the eye of any student of the subject.

"People-narcissists constantly ask themselves the question: "What do others think of me?" Their self-esteem is subject to strong fluctuations, because they depend on the approval of others and must always present themselves as special, "the expert notes. It is important for parents to recognize that their child experiences severe stress as a result.

In addition, narcissism is directly related to aggressive behavior, according to a meta-analysis by Sophie Kierwick and Brad Bushman of Ohio State University. This is why it is important to get to the bottom of the possible causes of a child's narcissistic behavior at an early stage. Like other personality traits, signs of narcissism can be at least partially hereditary, Eddie Brummelman points out.

But they can also be the result of certain methods of raising a child. In 2015, Brummelman conducted a study of 565 children and their parents in which a developmental psychologist and his team tested two theories about the origins of narcissism.

More talented, smarter - and more narcissistic

According to one theory, parents value their offspring beyond measure and thus contribute to the development of narcissism. Another suggests that narcissistic behavior is a reaction of children to the coldness and detachment of their parents. The results of Brummelman's research support the first theory: children who are praised to the skies by their fathers and mothers are more likely to develop narcissistic traits.

"These parents believe that their child is more talented, smarter and more capable than other children," the expert points out. Thus, the standard that the child must meet also rises. Here Brummelman points out another problem: "Love for one's own child is conditional. If the child fails to live up to the expectations of the parents, he will become afraid that they will be disappointed or even ashamed."

Fragment of the painting "Narcissus" by the Italian artist Caravaggio Photo: Gallerie Nazionali di Arte Antica, Rom Photo: Mauro Coen

to make me stand out from the masses" and "I am not valued for my personality, but only for my achievements." As a result, a narcissistic personality develops without a stable sense of self-worth.

"Of course, all parents think their own children are special - and that's okay! Parental warmth and affection without any conditions is important for self-confidence," says Brummelman. There is nothing wrong with praise - if it is realistic.

Not to compare with others, but to celebrate progress

Instead of constantly comparing the achievements of their child and other children, parents should focus on the progress of their own child. For example, point out: "Look, last year you didn't succeed, but now you can!"

This opinion is shared by Renate Schepker, board member of the German Association for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Psychosomatics and Psychotherapy (DGKJP). She has encountered children and adolescents with excessive narcissistic behavior in daily clinical practice. "Parents can be proud of their children and express it when the child has learned something new," says the expert.

Problems arise when parents fail to set boundaries and their expectations do not match the child's developmental level. "A certain culture of controversy is part of good parenting," Schepker notes. Children need to be able to cope with such situations - when dad and mom have a bad day or when they reproach the offspring: "You are unbearable today!" And vice versa: the child needs to be able to tell his parents the same thing.

Learn more

How to deal with narcissistic child

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

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10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

Read this next

How to behave with a narcissistic child

What is narcissism in children

How to deal with daffodils for teachers

My child is a daffodil! What to do – DW – 01/18/2022

How does narcissism manifest itself in children?

More talented, smarter - and more narcissistic

Not to compare with others, but to celebrate progress